Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Maya Rudolph Monologue

Maya Rudolph

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Lauren Holt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Maya.

[Maya walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Maya: Thank you. Thank you so much. It makes me so happy to be here in the place that I love. I can’t tell you. Specially after a year that has been, shall we say, a real kick in the clam. But it feels like we’re starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You know? People are getting the vaccine. My parents got their’s. I’m really happy to report that. It’s spring, so, goodbye sweater weather, and hello leather weather? Some of you may know me because, well, I used to work here. And some of you may know me by the name Mommy, because I gave birth to you. I have four incredible kids and they’re all here tonight. Don’t make me cry. And just a heads up to my kids, tonight mommy’s gonna put on a lot of wigs, okay? And do a lot of weird voices, so it’s just gonna be like a typical day at home. I’ll just be wearing a bra. My kids are actually really huge fans of the show and having them here in the place where I grew up is so special. And it has me thinking about the new kids in the cast are starting out. And I feel like it’s my duty as an elder to impart to them the lessons I’ve learned on the stage. So, can I get the new cast out here? Send them out.

[Andrew, Punkie and Lauren walk to the stage]

Lauren: Hi, Maya. We’re so excited to have you here.

Maya: I know you are, baby. Come close. Mama won’t bite. Band, can you play some music to talk to babies too? [lullaby music playing] Let me tell you something. I am a big fan of all of you. You people are so talented, so unique. And I remember all your names. [pointing at Andrew] Chirpie, [pointing at Punkie] Little Deedee and [pointing at Lauren] Chalisto Vagina.

Lauren: Well, that’s not my name.

Maya: Please don’t talk. Now, I started on this show back in the year 2000. How old were you on the year 2000, Chirpie?

Andrew: Five.

Maya: You know what? Get him out of here. Get the hell out. [securities take Andrew away from the stage] So much better without Chirpie, isn’t it, girls?

Lauren: I guess.

Punkie: Absolutely.

Maya: Now, back in my day, things were a lot different. Let me see if I can remember. It was so long ago and my brain is a little foggy. Because I’ve been electrocuted one too many times.

Punkie: What?

Maya: Yes, my toaster keeps falling into the bath. What can I say? I like hot baths and I like hot toast. Let me tell you about the cast back then. See, I was the shy one. I was so nervous, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Oh, but Rachel Dratch, she was the princess. She was so perfect with the red hair and all the freckles. But she just did “16 candles”, so she had a lot of heat.

Lauren: She did?

Maya: Zip it. Now, Jimmy. Oh, Jimmy was the bad boy. Always strutting around in his jean jacket and his fingerless leather gloves. He was 100% trouble and 100% hot stuff. And the jock? Oh, he was none other than Mr. Emilio Estevez.

Punkie: Um, are you talking about the breakfast club?

Maya: Quiet! Now, Lorne. Hah, Lorne. He was the principle and he made us coming on Saturdays as punishment. He always said, “Don’t mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns. And I’d get so nervous, I’d just shake may hair and make my dandruff fall over my papers. You know, like, snow.

Lauren: Okay. That’s Allie Sheedy.

Maya: Oh! Oh, Calista. I hope you’re funny because you’re very stupid. The point is, we became family. Then right at the end, Jimmy punched his fist in the air and everything froze. And hundreds of names just scrolled all over his face. [singing] La-la-la-la-la. Then he did bride-maids. Some of the details are a little hazy. The point is no matter how tough things get, you kids are gonna be alright. We’re all gonna be alright.

All: Yeah!

[singing]

la-la-la
la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

Maya: We’ve got a great show. Jack Harlow is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Kamala

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Doug Emhoff… Martin Short

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Ella Emhoff… Chloe Fineman

Raphael Warnock… Kenan Thompson

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: And now a message from the vice-president of the United States.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Good evening, America. I’m vice-president Kamala Harris. This has been a difficult year for all of us but I really do feel that we are about to see some light. And what better night to celebrate a new beginning than Passover? Or as my adopted people call it – Pesach. That’s why it’s time for … [music playing] A Kamala Harris Unity Seder. Tonight, we’ll be asking four questions. How’s school? Did you eat? When are you giving me grandchildren? And what’s with that haircut? And I cannot have all by my lonesome. So help me host this, I’d like to introduce my rock, my everything, my Semitic smokes show, my step baby daddy, Doug Emhoff. Get on out here, sexy.

[Doug Emhoff walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Doug Emhoff: No, I can’t do this. I’m too shy. I’m just a shy entertainment lawyer.

Kamala Harris: Oh, come on. No, Doug. All you have to do is pretend it’s just us, baby.

Doug Emhoff: Oh. [romantic music playing. Doug Emhoff holds Kamala Harris from behind.] Well, I just want you to know– Listen to me, girl. I support you. Every time you look around, it’s so good to be there for you, honey.

Kamala Harris: Oh, you better be.

Doug Emhoff: But time to time, you’re gonna look around and I’m not going to be there.

Kamala Harris: Oh no.

Doug Emhoff: But that’s just me telling you – “You got this, baby!”

Kamala Harris: Oh, the support. You’re my load-bearing wall. You hold up my roof. And you’re always on top of my basement.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Strangers? I don’t like strangers. They frighten me.

Kamala Harris: It’s alright, babe. Our first guest is here. In the spirit of Pesach, I reached across the aisle. Joe Biden gave me a list of republicans to reach out to and I’m starting at the bottom.

[opens the door. Ted Cruz walks in with a tray of cookies.]

Ted Cruz: You started at the bottom and now I’m here.

Kamala Harris: Welcome to my home, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Well, hey. I’ve never been to a Jewish dinner. So, I brought some Israeli flag cupcakes. I’ve got a ton of these left over from C-PAC. And I got some pinks in the blanket.

Kamala Harris: Well, we can’t have pork or bread. So, thank you.

Ted Cruz: Ay, by the way, somebody scraped the crap out of Prius in your driveway. No idea who did it. Probably my daughters. Definitely wasn’t me. My only crime is loving too much and sedition.

Doug Emhoff: That’s my Prius, but it’s all good.

Kamala Harris: Ted, may I ask what’s going on with your hair, hun? I see serial killer on the side and bait and tackle stop owner in the front.

Ted Cruz: Well, in the honor of Passover, I had my haircut done by a moyle.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff suddenly walks in like walking on fashion show ramp.]

Ella Emhoff: Shalom to the children.

Kamala Harris: America, Ted, meet my beautiful and supremely talented step-daughter, Ella Emhoff.

Ted Cruz: Boy, boy. So, what am I looking at here?

Ella Emhoff: Am I breaking your eyes? Good. You may think I look insane but I assure you I’m the most normal looking girl in Bushwick. Mama list every month so I while I’m serving lukes.

Kamala Harris: Aw, thank you, Ella. You’re really elevating this seder.

Doug Emhoff: So put out the gefilte fish.

Ella Emhoff: Okay, dad. All this is going on my mood board because Issa-bibe.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff walks out like on the fashion show ramp.]

[doorbell ringing]

Kamala Harris: Oh, let’s see who’s at the door. [Kamala Harris opens the door. Raphael Warnock walks in with a bottle of wine] Well, it’s reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

Raphael Warnock: Alright. Shalom, y’all. Jon Osoff told me to bring some man-a-shevitz.

Kamala Harris: So, how are things going in Georgia?

Raphael Warnock: Oh, you saw “Roots”, right? That’s how it’s going in Georgia.

Kamala Harris: Well, we need to make sure we keep Georgia blue for the next presidential election. And the one after that.

Raphael Warnock: Well, that won’t be easy. They’ll do everything they can to keep black people from voting. We wouldn’t vote on anything if they had their way. Not even American Idol. Jennifer Hudson would have been knocked down in the first round. Jennifer damn Hudson, y’all!

Kamala Harris: No! Not J-Hud!

Raphael Warnock: Right? Oh! Raphael spies a boiled egg. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a nosh.

Kamala Harris: You get that egg, senator! Alright, go for it, reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Who could that be? Elijah?

Kamala Harris: Good one, sweetie.

[Joe Biden lets himself in]

Joe Biden: Hey.

Kamala Harris: Hey, it’s Joe Biden. How are you, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: Hey, folks. Did y’all catch my press conference? So easy. A lot of critics thought I wan’t mentally prepared enough but [reading his cheat sheet] I think I proved them all wrong. Oh, Kamala. I’m not sure if you heard but I’m putting you in charge of solving the immigration problem down at the Mexican border.

Kamala Harris: Yes. I did hear that. Wow. Thank you for the opportunity. Such a fun solve a problem. And what are you in charge of?

Joe Biden: Moi? Giving out checks. Who wants steemies? Whoo! Ha-ha. Make it rain.

Kamala Harris: Oh, Joe Biden. Oh, and guess what? I got a little Passover surprise for y’all. [Kamala Harris walks out and brings in a German Shepard] Here he is. Come on here. That’s right. That’s my dog, Major. He’s back from being retrained. It’s all better now, aren’t you, Major? Sweet pooch.

[Major growling]

Kamala Harris: Thank god we can all hangout and that we’re all vaccinated. Isn’t it great?

[Major jumps on Doug Emhoff. Doug Emhoff is trying to get rid of him.]

Ted Cruz: Thanks to president Trump, operation [Doug Emhoff grunting].

Kamala Harris: I don’t know about that. Did you catch my press conference, Ted?

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I did. Boring. I switched over to ice road and trucker’s marathon.

[the dog runs out and Doug Emhoff escapes]

Doug Emhoff: Thank god, something spooked that hell hound.

Kamala Harris: Well, it’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene getting in through the window]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s looks pretty swanky for ANTIFA headquarters.

Kamala Harris: Marjorie, why didn’t you just knock on the door?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, no. Ever since January 6, I’ve only been entering dwelling insurrection style. I don’t trust doors. Door’s what’s destroying this country. I’ll only enter rooms through HVAC ducts, windows and SURR systems.

Kamala Harris: Doug? Honey, a word?

[everyone leaves and it’s only Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff]

Doug Emhoff: What baby? What?

Kamala Harris: Baby I’m worried this unity thing is splitting everybody apart.

Doug Emhoff: Shh, come on. There’s a Passover seder song called Deyenu, and the refrain is it would have been enough. And if you’re just vice president–

Kamala Harris: On no, that won’t be enough.

Doug Emhoff: Okay. I want you. I want you. I want your lips.

Hot Ones

Sean Evans… Mikey Day

Beyonce… Maya Rudolph

DeMichelangelo… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Agent… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: “Hot Ones”, the show where celebrities answer hot questions while eating even hotter wings.

[Cut to the show]

Sean: Hi, I’m Sean Evans. I’m joined today by royalty Grammy winning recording artist, actress and icon, Deyonce Knowles-Carter. It is truly an honor.

Beyonce: Yeah, I know.

Sean: Like, I cannot believe you’re on hot ones.

Beyonce: I feel you. I can’t tell if this is beneath me. But my sister, Solange loves this show and said I’d have fun. So…

Sean: Well, I’m glad she did. So, we can start with a mild wing here.

Beyonce: Mild? Come on, now. I’m from Texas, baby. This girl can handle her wings. Let’s start with this one right here.

Sean: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. [showing the chilly sauce] This is Hitler’s anus roasted reaper sauce with the scoville rating of 135,600.

[both eat the wings]

Beyonce: [looking nervous] I don’t love that name but the wing look good.

Sean: Alright. You said in the 26th Vanity Fair article that as a child, being on stage set you free. Can you talk more about that?

Beyonce: Well. I was a shy kid. Umm… this is good, by the way. Spicy, though. But when I got– Whoo! Okay. This wing came correct. It’s very hot. I’m good though.

Sean: Okay. You have some ice water and milk there if you need any.

Beyonce: I’m not gonna drink big fat glass of milk on camera. That’s not a good look for Beyonce.

Sean: Yeah. Milk isn’t like, a sexy drink. I’m sorry. Now, there’s a lyrics in Bills, Bills, Bills. Are you okay?

[Beyonce is sweating all over her face]

Miss Knowles-Carter, are you good? Beyonce?

Beyonce: [spooky voice] Sorry, I’m good. Your girl’s throat just closed up for a second thought. Let’s do the next wing.

Sean: Okay. Are you sure?

Beyonce: Definitely, boo.

Sean: Okay. Alright. Next up, we have the Devil’s Diarrhea Scorpion sauce, scoville rating of 676,000.

[both eat the wigs]

Yeah, good, right? So, after the Destiny’s Child’s performance at the 2016 Super Bowl, fans speculated a possible–

Beyonce: Oh, damn!

Sean: Um, is there any chance–

Beyonce: [screaming] Ah! Sorry, what?

Sean: Um, is there any chance of reunion?

Beyonce: [screaming] Ooh! Kiss my ass! I’m sweating. Beyonce’s head is wet. Damn, this wing is recking me. I need to hydrate. [drinking water] Oh, this isn’t helping. Damn, water makes it worse. Oh lord, why is it worse? [starts drinking milk] Got my ass drinking milk now. Room temp milk? For real? Oh, Solange in trouble now!

Sean: Is Destiny’s Child reunion something you’ve thought about? No! No! Don’t touch your eyes!

[Beyonce is wiping away her tears with her hands]

Beyonce: I know that now, you bald ass bitch. Oh, my whole head is on fire. Where is my hair stylist? DeMichelangelo, come to my side.

DeMichelangelo: Yes, B.

Beyonce: Argh! I need you to take my wig off, put six ice cubes on my head, then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But B, you on camera.

Beyonce: I don’t care. Take my wig off. Put six ice cubes on my head then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But I don’t have my wig gloves. I might grease the hair, B.

Beyonce: Do it now or I will stomp you to death.

DeMichelangelo: Yes. Of course, B. Oh my lord, I’m doing a wig pop with my bare hands. Oh Jesus, help me.

[trying to take Beyonce’s wig off]

Ego: Hey! Hey! Hey! Bald man, do not film B taking her wig off. No. Not gonna happen.

Sean: We can always edit it out.

Ego: No. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the footage to exist. B, you good? Oh, she’s good. Continue.

Beyonce: [her hair is all messed up] I’m alright. I’m alright. Proceed.

Sean: Okay. Can you talk about the origin of this ‘now iconic’ move?

Beyonce: I forget.

Sean: Oh really? You don’t remember where it came from at all?

Beyonce: Dude, it’s taking all my concentration to keep from blowing out my pants on you Junkie ass show.

Sean: Okay. So, you need to stop?

Beyonce: Beyonce don’t quit. You have any more sauces out there?

Sean: There are six.

Beyonce: Oh, hell no. Get my agent out here. Tod, shut it down.

[Agents walk in shutting down the show]

Agent: Okay, folks. This never happened. Yeah? I need all footage and audio files destroyed. If you leave here without signing an NDA, you will be shot. Okay?

Boomers Got the Vax

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Kenan Thompson

Maya Rudolph

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

E-dith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with video clips from the news]

Newscaster: A majority of baby boomers have been vaccinated. Have been vaccinated.

[music playing]

Have been vaccinated, vaccinated
Vaccinated, vaccinated, vaccinated

Chris: Baby boomers, greatest generation
Got all the money, now we got the vaccination
Crash the economy, three whole times
But when it comes to the vax, we the first in line

Mikey: Got a job out of college, no student debt
Retirement funded, 100%
Voted for Trump, but just for the taxes
Don’t believe in Covid, still got the vaxes

Kyle: Pzifer, Moderna, I know you wur-na
Get one, but you gotta wait your tur-na
I get to the vax site, I get what I want son
You get what’s left bitch – Johnson & Johnson!

All: Money, stacked
Pants, khaks
Arm, vaxxed
No, mask

Chris: Biggest generation, ain’t no stopping me
Never gonna die, draining social security

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
No rumors, just facts, yeah
Give it up if you’re 70+
Everyone else gettin’ jealous of us, jealous of us

Kenan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(How you livin’ ladies?)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(Hah)

Maya: Ow! Covid can’t touch me now
Low mask in the store, nose poking out
When it’s time to pay, I whip the coupons out
Even though I got the stimmy in the bank account

Aidy: Y’all can’t see? Lemme give you a clear sense
We out here spending your inheritance
You in the parking lot eating by the trash right
We in the booth reading menus with the flashlight

Kate: Yeah, I know you missed us
Might book a trip on the Diamond Princess
Eat all the food, drink all the booze
Sail all the cruise, while you still on the Zoom

All: Job, retired
Climate, deniered
License, expired
But we still on fire

Maya: Stop by my house
Give my grandkids a hug
Now get the f— out
I’m tryna have fun!

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
Everyone else get to the back (get back), yeah
We comin’ first like we always do
We jumpin’ in front of you, and you, and you (And uh)
And you (And uh), and you (Uh), and you (Uh)

Kenan: I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y
That’s what I got, I got bodies-anti
I got the shot, that’s just how it is
You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids
I know you wanna live large like me
I got the big ass house and the SUV
I got the second house too, and the third house, three
And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami
Damn, I got five houses?
That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

Chris: Hit the links with the drinks for another golf sess
You on the vax website hittin’ the refresh
You whine and cry while we dine inside
We run the world since 1945, hah!

Mikey: Me? I spend my time playing tennis
Two things that don’t work, me and my pen-is
My shirt (What about it?), you know it’s gettin’ tucked
And my wife (What about her?), she left me (Oh)

E-dith Puthie: Hold up, hold up, I ain’t had my say yet
Yo, tell ’em what my name is

Kenan: Edith, Edith, Edith, Edith
E-dith Puthie!

E-dith Puthie: Edith Puthie on the track, you know I’m vaxxed out
Pop a Cialis, come throw yo’ back out
Hands in the air like your shoulder don’t hurt
Drop that ass to the floor like your knees still work

Melissa: Boomers got the vax, uhh
Boomers got the vax

Kenan: It is what it is sucka

Barfly Awards

Missy Shoots… Cecily Strong

Peanuts… Aidy Bryant

Flip Rick… Kenan Thompson

Pissy Carmichael… Alex Moffat

Sally O’Flappy… Maya Rudolph

Teeny Petey Rancini… Kyle Mooney

Nick Flint… Mikey Day

Peaches… Kate McKinnon

[starts with announcement]

Male voice: Live from Pickleback Auditorium, it’s the 2021 Barfly Awards. With your host Missy Shoots.

[Cut to Missy Shoots. She is on the stage with a martini in her hand.]

Missy Shoots: Welcome to the Barfly Awards. This year being a barfly has taken even more dedication, determination, swinging back and forth, you know what I’m saying? So, we honor them tonight.

Male voice: Coming to the stage, she won last year for longest two AM story, please welcome Peanuts.

[Peanuts walks in. She has a glass of whiskey in her hand.]

Peanuts: Okay. Our first reward of the night goes for wildest claim made at the bar. In your life, there’s gonna be so many people. So, here’s our nominees. Hannah NoMOney, “I had sex with a ghost”. Flip Rick, “I can run a two minute mile”

Flip Rick: I can. I just don’t want to do it right now.

Peanuts: Pissy Carmichael with “I speak fluent French”.

Pissy Carmichael: Ju-ju-pu-pu-ju.

Peanuts: And Sally O’Flappy, I came up with the idea of a rolly suitcase, I can show you the email”. And the Barfly Award, hold on- I got it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks on the stage and received the award]

Sally O’Flappy: Oh, man. I can’t believe. This is amazing. Everybody here perspires me. I have to say, the guy, the young guy, know him? But hey, oh I miss him. Okay, bye, bye. Love you.

Male voice: Comin up next, he won last year’s award for best story about his daughter with left her at the beach. It’s Teeny Petey Rancini.

[Teeny Petey Rancini walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Can I say Something? Money is not real. [Missy Shoots walks in to hold Teeny Petey Rancini as he’s too drunk] No, no, it’s not your turn. I’m presenting.

Missy Shoots: You’re standing nice. You’re a nice guy. Can I have a kiss? [kisses on Teeny Petey Rancini’s cheek]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Thank you. Here are the nominees for the most bummer detail. Big John, “It’s my last weekend with my foot”. Just Marge, “Member me?I’m your favorite teacher from high school”.

Just Marge: Look at you. You grew up.

Teeny Petey Rancini: Peaches, “I’m 41 years old”.

Peaches: Hi.

Teeny Petey Rancini: And Sally O’Flappy with “My husband’s in the jar”. Winner is- I can’t believe it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks in and receives the award again]

Sally O’Flappy: Thank you. I can’t believe. One too more. That’s phenomenon. I’m want to thank my dead husband because he was a phenomenon guy. [drops the jar she said her husband was] Oh-oh! Whoopsy! Sorry, dude. Well, goodnight!

Male voice: Please welcome our next presenter, winner of the foreign Barfly Award or hobby, Nick Flint.

[Nick Flint walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Nick Flint: Oi! If you’re a supporter of Manchester United, then this is for you. Wanker! Here are the nominees for best bar hookup. [cut to Flip Rick and Sally O’Flappy] Him and her. [cut to Teeny Petey Rancini and Andrew] Her and him. [Cut to Teeny Petey Rancini, Andrew and Just Marge] Her and him and that. And the winner is – Ah! That! Peaches. [Peaches walks to the stage and receives the award] Is also nominated tonight for most destructive trip to the bathroom.

Peaches: Cell phone, wallet, key. Okay, goodnight.

Male voice: Last call.

[All the audiences get angry]

All: Ah! What are you saying? Come on, now!

[All of them stand and walk away]

Missy Shoots: This has been 2021 Barfly Awards. Make sure you close at after party. We have to go midtown hungover tomorrow.

Demi Moore: 11/12/88: The World of Dr. Know-It-All

Dr. Know-It-All …..Phil Hartman

Tommy…………….. Dana Carvey

Becky……………….. Demi Moore

1st Announcer……. Don Pardo

2nd Announcer….. Kevin Nealon

[THEME MUSIC: Begins while the screen is still black, with a short downward harp glissando. As the picture comes on the screen, we hear a medium-tempo theme in a major key; its jaunty, classically-influenced melody is played by a deep, fussy-sounding woodwind instrument (a bassoon?)]

[SUPER: “THE WORLD OF Dr. KNOW-IT-ALL” – in all caps, except for the “r” in “Dr.”] (NOTE: The “A” in “Know-It-All” is designed in such a way that, as we follow the left diagonal line downward, it turns into a thunderbolt that extends below the natural “bottom” of the letter.)

1st Announcer (voiceover): It’s time for . . . Dr. Know-It-All! Today: “Air Pressure All Around Us.”

[SUPER: “Today’s Topic” on top; “AIR PRESSURE ALL AROUND US” below]

(Dr. Know-It-All, a middle-aged man wearing horn-rimmed glasses and suspenders, is in what appears to be a kitchen, adjusting a vacuum cleaner that sits on a counter in the middle of the room. Tommy and Becky enter the picture from behind him. NOTE: Throughout the sketch, Dr. Know-It-All tends to speak very melodically, as do Tommy and Becky. Dr. Know-It-All also pauses frequently, uses frequent hand gestures, and gives a not-entirely-convincing surface impression of endless patience and goodwill.)

Tommy: Hi, Dr. Know-It-All. Can we come in?

Dr. Know-It-All: Why, sure, Tommy. Hi, Becky.

Becky: Hi! Gosh, Dr. Know-It-All, why do you have your vacuum cleaner on the counter?

Dr. Know-It-All: Well, I’m conducting a little experiment with air pressure. Becky, why don’t you get Charlie the gerbil out of his cage, and –

Becky: OK.

Dr. Know-It-All: – put him in the box here?

Becky: Come on, little fella. Whoo! (continues “whoo”ing as she struggles to keep her grip on Charlie)

Dr. Know-It-All: He’s a frisky little – You got him?

Becky: Yeh. Whoo! (Puts Charlie in the box)

Dr. Know-It-All: Oo-kay, excellent. Okay, Tommy, you can, uh, turn on the vacuum cleaner now.

Tommy: OK, here it goes.

Dr. Know-It-All: OK. (As he picks up Charlie with the vacuum cleaner tube, we hear the sound of a squealing gerbil. Dr. K.’s lips form a thin smile. With a dainty push of his left index finger, he sends Charlie down the tube. The vacuum swallows up Charlie in one quick gulp, and the squealing stops. As Dr. K. turns quickly to his left, for a brief moment his smile is replaced by a stunned, open-mouthed look. The smile quickly reappears, then just as quickly disappears.)

Dr. Know-It-All (buoyantly): Okay, Tommy, if you’d snap it off . . . (Tommy turns off vacuum cleaner)

Tommy: OK.

Dr. Know-It-All: All right. Becky, maybe you can tell me what happened.

Becky: Well, I-I think, um, Charlie is inside the vacuum cleaner.

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s – right! (Raising left index finger, voice lowering dramatically in pitch): Why? And remember, we’re dealing – with air pressure.

Tommy: Um . . . well . . . um . . .

Dr. Know-It-All: Now: Is the air pressure inside the vacuum cleaner greater – or less – than the air pressure outside the vacuum? Becky?

Becky: Um, i-it’s . . . greater.

Dr. Know-It-All (raising his eyebrows a little; voice still pleasant): Tommy? (His voice on the last syllable sounds unexpectedly pinched and high-pitched, due perhaps to his feelings about Becky’s wrong answer.)

Tommy: Less.

Dr. Know-It-All: So, Becky, you say the air pressure is . . .

Becky: Greater.

Dr. Know-It-All: And Tommy, you say the air pressure is . . .

Tommy: Less.

Dr. Know-It-All: Now think about this, Becky. The gerbil moved . . . into the vacuum cleaner (touches opening of vacuum tube with his left index finger), which means the air pressure inside is . . .

Becky: Ohhhh . . . less! (smiles)

Dr. Know-It-All: Less. That’s correct. So Tommy, that means you are . . .

Tommy: Smart.

Dr. Know-It-All (smiling, shaking head): No, no (holds up left index finger). You’re . . . right! And that means Becky is . . .

Tommy: Wrong.

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s right. Now, why is Becky wrong?

Tommy: Because she didn’t understand that.

Dr. Know-It-All: Noooo . . .

Tommy: Because she didn’t know about –

Dr. Know-It-All: No. Becky is wrong because she’s a . . . girl!

Tommy: Ohhh. (Becky holds her head down, her feelings clearly hurt.)

Dr. Know-It-All: Yes! Becky is wrong because she is a girl, and this is . . . science!

Tommy: Ohh.

Dr. Know-It-All: Yes!. Okay!

Tommy: OK.

Dr. Know-It-All (enthusiastically): Now let’s step over to the aquarium.

Becky: Gosh, Dr. Know-It-All, where did you get all those fish?

Dr. Know-It-All: Well, I got them at the market. Yes I did. Now Tommy, if you’ll take the net, I bet you’ll be able to get one of those fish out, and we’ll do another little experiment with . . . (turns to Becky): What? Air pressure.

Becky: OK!

Tommy: I think I got one.

Becky: Oh!

Dr. Know-It-All: Okay, good.

Becky (watching fish struggle): Whoo!

Dr. Know-It-All: All right, move him over here to the counter.

Becky: Oh, wow. Wow, look at him go!

(The group chatters excitedly as Dr. Know-It-All pulls the fish out of the net onto the counter, and the fish flops around for dear life.)

Tommy: Why does he flop around like that?

Dr. Know-It-All: Well, maybe you can tell me!

Becky: Uh – because the pressure outside the tank is lower than inside the tank?

Dr. Know-It-All: Nooo . . . he’s flopping around because he can’t . . .

Tommy: Swim?

Dr. Know-It-All: Nooo . . .

Becky: He can’t stand up?

Dr. Know-It-All: No, he can’t brrrr . . .

Tommy and Becky (smiling): Breathe!

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s right, he can’t breathe!

Tommy: Look, he stopped!

Becky: Oh, he looks dead.

Dr. Know-It-All (a little thinly): Yes, he does! Why? Why does he look dead? Because we talked too . . .

Tommy: Loud?

Dr. Know-It-All: No, we talked too –

Becky: We talked to God?

Dr. Know-It-All (pauses, then smiles for just an instant, then lets out-breath): No, we talked too . . . loong.

Tommy and Becky (talking at once): Oh. Oh yeah. (etc.)

Dr. Know-It-All: We talked too long. (bringing fingertips of both hands together): Now what have we learned about air pressure so far? (With his left index finger, he counts off the day’s lessons on the fingers on his right hand, pausing after each lesson on the list.) Well, we’ve learned that the pressure inside the vacuum is less (touches index finger) . . . Tommy’s right (touches middle finger) . . . Becky’s wrong (ring finger) . . . she’s a girl (pinky finger) . . . this is science (touches thumb) . . . the fish is dead (points to fish) . . . and we talked too – long (touches pinky finger again and smiles thinly). We talked too long.

(Tommy and Becky smile.)

Becky: Gosh, Dr. Know-It-All, I never know what I’m gonna learn when I come here!

Dr. Know-It-All: (chuckles) Well Becky, we’re not finished! Come on over here. Do you know what this is?

Becky: Well, it’s the planets of our solar system.

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s right! Tommy and I made these last week, by putting papier-mache over balloons!

Tommy: Hey, Dr. Know-It-All, we were using air pressure!

Dr. Know-It-All: (chuckles) Well, yes, we were, inside the balloons! Very good. Now, I made the four outer planets, and Tommy made these planets. Now, look at my planets. They look . . . good. But Tommy’s planets look . . .

Tommy: Small?

Dr. Know-It-All: Nooo – bad. The planets you made look . . . bad. Right, Becky?

Becky: Yes. (smiles) (Tommy looks downcast, his mouth slightly open)

Dr. Know-It-All: Yes they do. That’s because Tommy’s a boy and I’m a . . .

Becky: Man. (smiles)

Dr. Know-It-All: That’s right, Becky. I’m a man, so my work is much better. Now, let’s come over here. Here’s some balloons for you. Becky, I want you to fill these up with water (theme music starts), and Tommy, you take this blindfold and stand over there . . . (starts to alternate between facing toward his students and facing the camera) Oh, I hear our theme, and that means we’re just about out of time. We’ll have to save this experiment for another day, okay?

Becky: OK.

Tommy: OK.

Dr. Know-It-All (to camera): Okay. Well, bye for now!

Becky (to camera): Buh-bye!

Tommy (to camera): Bye-bye.

[SUPER: “THE WORLD OF Dr. KNOW-IT-ALL” (same graphic as before]

2nd Announcer (voiceover): Dr. Know-It-All is played by Roy Huber.

Contributed by Matt Vandermast

Demi Moore: 11/12/88: Woman vs. Rattlesnake (a.k.a. Don’t Move)

Woman vs. Rattlesnake (a.k.a. Don’t Move)

Mike…..Kevin Nealon

Mike’s wife (a.k.a. “Wife”)….Demi Moore

(As the sketch starts, Mike and his wife are coming out of the woods into a clearing.)

Mike: Well, this is it, the place I’ve been tellin’ you about.

Wife: Oh, Mike, this is perfect.

Mike: Yeah? (They stop walking a few feet in front of what looks like one log on top of another, perhaps all that remains of what used to be a log cabin. Most of the ground is bare, though. We hear birds singing and see trees, patches of overgrown yellow grass and, in the distance, mountains. Except for the evergreens, the trees’ leaves have changed color and many trees have lost most or all of their leaves.)

Mike: Well, I figure I’ve been promisin’ ya a summer cabin for so long, the least I could do is find a place to build it on.

Wife: Mike, it’s wonderful. I mean, you’re so – I don’t even know what to say. (They hug.) Ooh!

Mike: Hmm! (after they separate): Well, it’s not built yet.

Wife: Oh, you know, this would make a great place for a picture window (draws a square in the air), facing right out here.

Mike: Yah. Yah.

(Mike’s wife sits on the logs. As she settles herself, we hear a loud rattling sound and see a snake curled on the top log, its head about a hand’s length from her right thigh. She is a similar distance from where the log ends on her left, in case she wants to inch away from the snake and slide off the log.)

Mike: (slowly) Whatever you do, don’t – move.

Wife: What? (turns to see the snake and gasps)

Mike: Don’t move. There’s a rattlesnake right beside you .

Wife: Oh, Mike!

(Mike stays put, perhaps six feet away from the snake, perhaps a little farther. He starts pulling a gun from a holster.)

Mike: Okay. Just don’t move a muscle. (speaks more slowly) Just remain per-fect-ly still . . .

(He takes aim. As the snake’s rattling continues, he fires at the snake without moving any closer. We hear a bang and the sound of a ricochet. As he keeps firing, never moving any closer, we hear an additional bang-and-ricochet one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine times. The rattling never stops.)

Wife (still sharing the log with the snake): Ooh!

Mike: Okay. I’m gonna reload now . . .

Wife: Ooh. Mike, do something!

Mike: It’s okay . . . it’s okay . . .

Wife: Aw, he looks real mad that you shot at him.

Mike: Just hold on . . .

(We see the snake strike toward Mike’s wife, an instant before the camera leaves her)

Wife: (shrieks) Oh! Oh, it bit me!

Mike: (quickly) Okay, don’t move. Just stay still or he might bite you again. (Mike’s wife moans repeatedly and breathes heavily.) Okay, just hold still . . .(Fires once, a split second after we see the snake strike again and hear another shriek from his wife.)

Wife: He bit me again! Ooh! Oh, Mike, it hurts!

Mike (a little louder): Okay, all right, don’t worry. It’ll get numb in a minute . . .You just – you just hold still.

(As he fires again, still from the same distance, we hear the now-familiar bang-and-ricochet combination one, two, three, four, five, six, seven times. Again, the rattling continues.)

Wife: Ow, you shot me in the elbow! (We see the snake strike again, biting her in the leg.)

Wife: (shrieks) He bit me again!

Mike: (over her moaning): Okay, okay, the gun thing’s not workin’! I’m gonna try something else. (pulls out hunting knife) Okay.

Wife: Oh,,no….

Mike: Stay perfectly still. (Still where he was when he fired the gun, he throws knife at snake.) Hi-yahh! (The knife falls short and bounces off log, in front of his wife.)

Wife: Ohh . . . I think that knife getting thrown at him is really making him madder.

Mike: OK.

Wife: He’s giving me a really weird look..

Mike: All right, just don’t look at him.

Wife: Okay.

Mike: All right honey. Very slowly. Do exactly as I say. Reach down, very slowly pick up my hunting knife . . .

Wife (starts to bend down): Oh. . . I don’t think he likes me doing this . . . (continues bending)

Mike: Very slowly. That’s it, now toss it back here gently. Gently? (She tosses the knife.) That’s it! (We hear him catch it.) Okay. (We see the snake strike and bite his wife’s arm.)

Wife: (shrieks) Oh, he bit me again! (holds her elbow, breathing heavily)

Mike (a foot or two closer): Just stay perfectly still . . . (as he throws knife again): Hi-yahh! (Knife bounces off snake, or passes just above it, and flies over the log. We see the snake bite Mike’s wife in the leg. Holding her elbow and leg now, she howls in pain.)

Mike: OK. OK. Did I get him?

Wife: No, no, no…

Mike: It looked like he jerked a little bit or something.

Wife: No, that was him biting me again. Look, look, can’t I just move now? I’ll move out real fast.(Waves her hands toward her left)

Mike: No no no no. No no, don’t move. Don’t move, okay? I see what’s happening here. The knife thing’s not workin.’

Wife: Oh, Mike, I’m starting to see rockets.

Mike: All right, just stay still. Stay perfectly still. I’m gonna – I’m gonna lasso him. (He pronounces it “las-soo.” He moves farther from the log.)

Wife: Oh, no, listen, maybe I can just…maybe I can just slip away, you know? He – he’s probably out of poison by now.

Mike: (tying the lasso): No, no. He’s a big one. He’s a big one, honey . . .

Wife: (moans in pain and exasperation)

Mike: . . . and he’s got plenty of poison. You just don’t move. (pause) Okay. All right. (adjusting lasso): Now the loop . . .has to be big enough . . . to pull the rope through the air . . .

Wife: Oh Mike . . .

Mike: . . . but small enough . . .to get around his neck, so that when I pull it tight . . .I don’t have to tighten it too much. Does that make sense to you? .

Wife: Oh . . . oh Mike, he just bit me three more times!

Mike: Okay. Okay, just stay still . . . (He twirls lasso, tosses it and misses. The snake bites Mike’s wife again in the leg.)

Wife: Ow! Oh, he bit me again, Mike!

Mike: OK. I know, I know. I know. Okay. All right. He’s getting slower though, have you noticed?

Wife: Noooo . . .

Mike: All right, listen, I got an idea. I got – I got a good idea. It’s crazy, but it might work. Okay? All right. Honey? (more slowly) With your open hand . . . reach down very, very slowly . . . and grab the snake.

Wife: Oh, but – grab the snake? He’ll – he’ll bite me some more!

Mike: No no, no he won’t. Now . . .

Wife: Yes, but . . .

Mike: . . . you-you’ve gotta trust me. Do you trust me?

Wife (moaning and frightened): Ohhh . . . oh, yes . . .

Mike: OK. Okay, very slowly, reach down . . . just reach down . . . (as she reaches): That’s it, that’s it. Now just . .

(The snake bites her hand; she pulls away).

Wife: Oh, he’s biting me! I told youuuu . . .

Mike: OK. It’s okay, it’s okay! Just – now, now – reach a little closer. Reach closer. Now – grab him! Grab the snake!!

(She does. The snake bites her arm as she holds on; she screams repeatedly)

Mike: All right, c’mon! Ignore him!! Now, throw him over there – throw him down, throw him down there . . .

(She throws the snake onto the ground behind the log. Mike walks up to the log and points his gun over it, aiming toward the ground. He fires one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven times at the snake – no ricochets now. The rattling has never stopped.)

Mike: Okay, where’d he go? Okay, I don’t see him. (Rattling gets fainter and eventually dies out) He’s gone. Okay. That’s the important thing. Okay, he’s gone. All right. Okay, honey. Okay – honey?

Wife: Huh? (We see something on her shoulder.)

Mike: Whatever you do, don’t move. There’s a tarantula on your shoulder.

Wife (as she brushes tarantula off her shoulder): Aw, shhhhaddup and just get me to the doctor. (stands up and starts walking)

Mike (excitedly): Okay, remain calm, that’s the important thing. You gotta remain calm. That’s what we’re looking here for [sic]. Calmness. Calmness . . . (They leave the clearing and walk back through the woods.)

Contributed by Matt Vandermast

Thank you, Matt!

Weekend Update LaVar Ball on His Son LaMelo Ball

Michael

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael: We are almost halfway through the NBA season and the front runner for the Rookie of the Year is point guard LaMelo Ball. Here to comment is his outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar slides in]

LaVar: How you doing, Michael? Me, I’m incredible!

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. We haven’t seen you in a while, man. I was worried with all this covid stuff that you might not be okay.

LaVar: Man, I’m perfect. I already got 10 shots of each vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and my own home remedy – the Val Tricks. It cures herpes brought on by the covid-19, AKA, the macoroni virus.

Michael: I don’t know about that, but it’s been a good year for you. LaMelo is playing really well. Your son.

LaVar: You’re damn right, he is. And he’s playing for the story franchise in all the basketball, the Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte, North Carolina, the regional bacon capital of the world. Gateway to gastonia. No mountains. No oceans. But enough humidity to make your balls sticky as taffy.

Michael: So, you think LaMelo is going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’?

LaVar: Oh, he’s got all the awards locked up. ‘Rookie of the Year’, locked up. ‘MVP’, locked up. ‘Pretty as hog at the Mecklenburg couty fair’, lockedu p. That means he has some good ass bacon. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael: MVP? What about LeBron or Giannis Antetokounmpo?

LaVar: Man, don’t you talk to me about no Yana-gasa-ka-chu-chu. LaMelo has got this. And after he has won, he’s gonna unite both north and south Carolina into a Super Carolina called “Carolasis”. “Carolasis”, monster of the south. Second cousin to Mothra. Never lost to Godzilla. Never to the Zilla.

Michael: It looks like it’s all coming together.

LaVar: It sure is, Michael. LaMelo is the queen of Charlotte. My other boy Lanzo is Baren of the Bio. LiAngelo is a G-league superstar. And I got a fourth son who’s tearing up the Australian league, LaDingo.

Michael: LaDingo?

LaVar: Yeah. He’ll dunk on you and steal your baby.

Michael: Well, with all your success, I was surprised you’re not cashing all your Big Baller brand.

LaVar: Oh, no, no. I am. I am. Introducing the newest Big Baller shoes, specially designed by LaMelo right in the Carolinas, presenting the Caro-melos. [pulls out a shoe shapes chocolate]

Michael: Is that a chocolate shoe?

LaVar: Yes, indeed. Now you can jump 30 feet in the air while your feet are covered in sweet. Coco-dego-dogo-dogoses. But that’s not all. [Michael Che laughing hard] What’s the matter, Mike? That’s not all. Every pair of Caro-melos comes with Caro-melo side. Look at this. [pulls out a cookie dipped in caramel from inside the shoe] It’s chocolate, caramel, nougat and it features Alexa. Alexa! What’s America’s top high performance edible footware?

Alexa: The 2021 Cara-melos. Never lost.

LaVar: Oh. Alexa, you’re a bad mama-jama. So, pick yourself a pair. $2,000, seven month wait list, available exclusively on my cell phone between the hours of three and six PM mountain time. Never lost.

Michael: LaVar Ball, everybody.

Weekend Update Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene on Science

Colin Jost

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene cause more controversy this week after she put up a sign outside the office of a congresswoman with a trans daughter that read – “There are two genders, male and female. Trust the science.” Here to comment is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene slides in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hello, Colin. Oh, I think I sat on a gun. [pulls out a gun] Is this mine or your’s?

Colin Jost: I think you know it’s your’s.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s mine. Okay.

Colin Jost: Well, you’ve only been in office a few weeks and you’ve already making a lot of news.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I know. You know what? They’re calling me congress’s new IT girl.

Colin Jost: IT, like the new thing?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No. IT, like the evil clown that prays on children.

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Well, why did you put up that sign outside your office?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Because we have to trust the sience. [Showing her t-shirt that says “Trust the sience”, that has ‘science’ misspelled.] You know me, I’m a sience person. I love sience. I’m always talking sience. Okay? Unless that sience is about climate change, coronavirus, space lasers, evolution, the metric system, the rhythm method, breastfeeding, living on Mars, Jesus’s skin color or Santa’s skin color. By the way, which is white. You see, sience teaches us that there are two genders because our bodies are made by god in a certain way. Okay? For women, it’s milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. Okay? And for boys, it’s big hairy chest just like King Kong, crack in the butt, two balls ding dong.

Colin Jost: This is what science–

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s sience!

Colin Jost: That’s what science teaches you?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, that’s sience. We’re all endowed with traditional gender roles, okay? I’m a woman. So, it’s my job to bully, threaten and fight my female colleagues. Sience has called this cat fight and it’s what girls do.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, you think I’m just crazy, right? Yeah, well, I’m not. Sorry, Colin. I have to sneeze. [sneezes like crazy] I’m sorry. Allergies.

Colin Jost: That was a sneeze?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, yes. See, when I was a little girl, I sneezed once and nobody said “Bless you”. So, a demon got in. Excuse me. [sneezes like crazy again] Sorry. Colin, I can’t help it. I’m a fighter. Okay? I have a boombastic personality. I fight the democrats. I fight the socialists. I fight traumatized teenagers walking on the street alone. I fight my own hair every morning with a flat iron and a bottle of aquinet. I mean, hell, I fight my own party. Those republicans and congress scissored me.

Colin Jost: I think you mean censored.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, that’s lesbian stuff.

Colin Jost: Okay, no. I think you got the words mixed up. And instead of picking fights, maybe you should be focused on things like the covid relief bill?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: The who what now? Hey, did you hear they are trying to cancel Mr. Potatohead?

Colin Jost: No.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yeah! The woke radical liberal just won’t him be proud of his big old god given potato penis. But oh, I’m the crazy one.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s the issue. And is that really a priority for a congress woman?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Look, all I’m saying is that if Mr. Potatohead is allowed to marry another Mr. Potatohead, I’ll kill myself. Is that so crazy?

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s crazy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

Weekend Update House Passes Bidens Stimulus Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of capitol at left top corner.]

Well, just like me when I’m drunk, congress decided to spend a bunch of money in 2:30 in the morning. They passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill and republicans are calling it a liberal wishlist. But I don’t know. I think a liberal wishlist would be avocado toast with Chrissy Teigen, free college for pets, and a hiphop musical about Anderson Cooper starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. Senator Lindsay Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include and increase to the minimum wage because over the years, Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Thune at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator John Thune said he opposed $15 minimum wage because he used to get by on six bucks an hour as a young man. But that was like, 40 years ago when rent was like a dollar and everybody had one porno tape. See, this is why democrats never get stuff done. You keep leaving it to a vote and taking no for an answer. When republicans lose a vote, the storm the Capitol. Why can’t y’all get that mad? Say what you will about a guy in a viking helmet taking a dump in Nancy Pelosi’s desk, but he will not be ignored.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, Donald Trump will give the keynote address at the conservative political action conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech, give your grandpa cocaine.

[picture changes to Ted Cruz]

Senator Ted Cruz who’s always the kill in F Mary Kill, he taped his half hour special at the CPAC this week. Here’s just a sample of his killer set.

[Cut to Ted Cruz’s special clip]

Ted Cruz: I gotta say, Orlando is awesome. It’s not as nice as Cancun.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. Stop. You don’t do that. No. You are not in on the joke. It is not for you to enjoy. Also, what grown man yells “Orlando is awesome”? If you hear a grown man yell “Orlando is awesome”, you should probably check his hard drive.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Biden administration is hoping to persuade more black people to get vaccinated by setting up vaccination sites in churches. And I’m sure Biden means well, but that is such an old white guy idea. You know the idea started with the words, “Hey, you know what those people love?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “First commercial to show lactating breasts”.]

Colin Jost: During the Golden Globes this Sunday, a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the green M&M.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson&Johnson. Johnson&Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier, the beach.