Tag: Beck Bennett

Bus Ride

Driver… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Taran Killam

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with a bus stopping at the bus stop]

Driver: Okay. Okay, this is Franklin station transfer here for M26 to Greenville.

[Leslie gets in the bus]

Leslie: Hello.

Driver: Hello ma’am.

[There is no seat available so Taran offers Leslie his seat]

Taran: Um, would you like to sit down miss?

Leslie: Yeah. Thanks.

Taran: You got it.

Leslie: So nice.

[Taran stands and Leslie takes his seat]

[Melissa makes way for Leslie to take the seat]

Melissa: Oh, that’s gotta feel good.

Leslie: Yes, it does. Chivalry isn’t dead, right?

Melissa: Hah! I kind of meant the other thing.

Leslie: What other thing?

Melissa: You know. White man gives up his seat in front of the bus. You gotta say, you’ve come a long way baby.

Leslie: Okay.

Melissa: I mean. You know, they’re showing Roots on television for February. And I have just been glued to this. They’re so good. Prime Ben Vareen. Prime OJ Simpson. I mean you can’t miss the cast really. You know what character I love is that Kunye Kenny.

Leslie: Um, Kunta Kinte.

Melissa: I don’t speak it but I enjoy the work.

Leslie: [to Taran] Hey, you sure you don’t wanna sit back down?

Taran: No, I’m good.

Melissa: You know, I gotta be honest, I don’t love a lot of black movies, but like the one where she poops in the pie and– where was that? I can’t remember what it’s called. She was a maid. She pooped in pie and made a lady eat. What is that? Is that called Poop Pie?

Leslie: No. It’s called ‘The Help’.

Melissa: Oh, that’s it. That’s it. That’s a little racy for me. But Roots. Roots, I do enjoy. You know, I told my husband Ron. I said if this is Roots, which one is Quest Love? [laughing] He did not get that one. God he was that. OJ is– was handsome. It’s a waste, huh?

Leslie: [to driver] Ay, man. I’m just gonna get out here.

Driver: This is a highway ma’am.

Leslie: That’s fine.

Melissa: You know, there’s another one I did love. It’s also got slaves in it. It’s not Roots. I think it’s– is it eight years I got to slave?

Leslie: No.

Melissa: Eight years I gotta slave.

Leslie: No. It’s 12 years of slave. 12 years of slave.

Melissa: Oh, is it 12 years? I didn’t see the whole thing. So.

Leslie: [to driver] Hey, man! You can just open up the door and I can just tuck and roll out. You ain’t even got to stop.

[Melissa holding Leslie’s hand]

Melissa: Look at that. We were like a banneton ad, huh? That’s sweet. I mean, if I had to choose, I would prefer white movies. They’re just so many great ones. The Godfather. The Gremlins. Star Wars. Oh, boy. But I did enjoy Roots just as much as any white movie. [Leslie is starting to look at window nicely] I mean you know what I was telling Ron? I said, “How about somebody make Root with all white cast. It’s a win– you can’t go wrong with that.

Leslie: Ay man, does this window open? I can just slide right out of this window.

Driver: One sec. [phone ringing] Wait, hold on. [on phone] Yeah. Why? A bomb? Now? Okay. I’m on. [hangs up the phone] Well folks, I just got word that if I go below 50 miles an hour, this bus will explode.

Leslie: What? I don’t wanna die with you. Oh!

Melissa: I don’t wanna die before seeing the end of Roots. I mean, do they ever get free?

Driver: Don’t worry ma’am. I got a full tank of gas in this baby so we can ride all night. I just gotta make one quick stop.

Everybody: No!

[The bus explodes]

Porn Doctor

Doctor… Adam Driver

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[The Doctor is in… My Butt 4 intro]

[Cut to Doctor]

Doctor: [talking on the phone] Nurse, who is my next patient? Oh no, he hurt his big thigh during the game? Send him in.

[Beck walks in. He is wearing sports shirt and shorts.]

Beck: Hi doctor. I need help with my body. [limping] Ou! Ou! Ooh! Ou! [sits on the chair] I hurt my big thigh during the big game right when I was bout to score.

Doctor: Well, maybe I can help you score. Right now. Where does it hurt?

Beck: Way up at the top part of my thigh. I don’t know. About a centimeter below my ball sack.

Doctor: Let me take a look. How does it feel when I do this?

[Doctor massages Beck’s thigh]

Beck: Ah! I don’t know doctor. I’m not gay.

Doctor: Are you sure?

Beck: Good point. I’m convinced. Let’s do sex.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, excuse me Dr. Rock Hard, I had a two o’clock appointment and I still have not been seen.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Huh?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah. All these big muscular guys keep cutting me but my mom said I need to see a doctor right away. I’ve been throwing up all day and my stomach is really sore.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Me too. My groin is sore.

Doctor: And I need to make it more sore.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: What? You’re gonna make it more sore? Alright! I mean, you’re the one who went to medical school. Not me.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Yeah. I graduated best top in my class.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! That’s awesome Dr. Rock Hard.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I’m always on bottom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, that’s nothing to brag about. Anyway, I’ll be in the waiting room with my mom. But please hurry Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out]

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: So, patient. You play soccer? Does that mean you’re good at juggling balls?

Beck: With my feet.

Doctor: Wow, that’s hot.

Beck: But there’s a problem, doctor. I don’t have health insurance.

Doctor: That’s okay. I think I can figure out another way for you to pay.

Beck: Oh-f!

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Excuse me, doctor. I kind of overheard because I wasn’t all the way gone yet. My mom also doesn’t have health insurance. So can we pay however he is paying?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um…

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I mean she does have health insurance but it doesn’t kick in until the first of the month. She has blue cross.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I have blue balls.

Doctor: Oh, no. You’ll need 50 CCs of boner, stacked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! All this medical talk goes right over my head. But I’m next right?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Are you positive?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah. But don’t tell or they’ll make me leave.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Whatever you say Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out]

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Oh no, doctor. Now my other big thigh hurts.

Doctor: You’re in luck. I got medication that cures anything. But I don’t know if you’ll be able to swallow it.

Beck: Why? Is it big?

Doctor: Oh, yeah. So big.

Beck: How big is it doctor?

Doctor: Too big for you to swallow.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, is it like a gel cap?

Doctor: A what?

Aidy: Coz I know those are big but I can get em’ down with water. And if not, my mom can cut them in half and put them in my mashed potatoes. So, please Dr. Rock Hard, give it to me. My stomach hurts really bad.

Doctor: I can’t give it to you. But I can give it to your mom. Hell, yeah!

Aidy: Oh, okay. That works too. Thank you Dr. Rock Hard. You know, my mom was nervous about this doctor’s office coz when she went on your website this morning, it crashed our whole computer. But I think you’re cool. So thanks for squeezing me in.

Doctor: I love to squeeze things in.

Aidy: I know. You’re gym packed today.

Doctor: About to be.

Aidy: Yeah. Well, it must be hard.

Doctor: It has to be hard.

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’ll get out of your hair.

Doctor: I don’t have any hair.

Aidy: Okay, thanks.

[Aidy walks out]

Doctor: Now let’s get back to your big thigh. But, I think I need a second, third, fourth and fifth opinion.

[four more men walk in tearing off their shirts and touching each other]

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey, wait a minute. All beefed doctors work here? Will someone please help me? Hello?

[The End]

Super Bowl Greeting

Cam Newton… Kenan Thompson

Peyton Mannnig… Taran Killam

Policemen… Beck Bennett, Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Super Bowl greeting intro]

Male voice: And now, a Super Bowl greeting from Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[Cut to Cam Newton and Peyton Manning sitting and playing the piano]

Cam Newton: Oh, hey there Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Oh, hey Cam.

Cam Newton: You ready for the big game tomorrow?

Peyton Manning: I mean, not physically, but otherwise sure!

Cam Newton: What a special match-up it’s gonna be, huh?

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory
facing off in Super Bowl 50

Cam Newton: The media coverage was interesting this week too.

Peyton Manning: Yeah. I’m just trying to enjoy the whole experience, you know? I’ve been smiling all week, giving people high-fives.

Cam Newton: That sounds great. And when you did that, did they accuse you of show boating and call you a thug?

Peyton Manning: No, not really.

Cam Newton: Hmm, maybe that’s because

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: In the press there’s a real discrepancy

Peyton Manning: Well, I will say I did get a couple of tough questions from reporters too.

Cam Newton: Tough questions?

Peyton Manning: Yes sir.

Cam Newton: Oh, that’s a shame. I got letters from angry mothers in Tennessee because I dance too much.

Peyton Manning: Well, you do celebrate a lot more than me

Cam Newton: Coz I have Bobby5 touchdowns and you have like, three

Peyton Manning: Actually, it was nine.

Cam Newton: In how many interceptions?

Peyton Manning: I don’t think they keep stats on that anymore. Look, white quarterbacks got tough time too, Cam. I mean look at Johnny Manziel. The Browns just released him.

Cam Newton: Yeah, and all he did was get drunk, missed practice and get accuse of assaulting his girlfriend. But he couldn’t do one thing that could save him… win!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: Why would anyone be afraid of me?
I do ads for Greek yogurt and Kids Tv

Peyton Manning: And I hang out with Papa John who’s like way creepy

Cam Newton: Yeah, what is the deal with that Papa John guy anyway?

Peyton Manning: Oh! Do not know man! The other day I walked in on the guy, he was kissing one of his pizzas. And I actually heard him whisper to it, “Let’s get you out those toppings.”

Cam Newton: Oh, damn!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, it was way bad man. Let’s just say that I think he might have lost his mind.

Cam Newton: I caught it. Well, if you do retire, we’re gonna miss you Peyton. You’re one of the greatest of all time.

Peyton Manning: Well, thank you very much Cam. And I know that whatever happens, the game is in very good hands with you. We may not have the same style, but I certainly do like your’s a lot.

Cam Newton: Oh, come on, man!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory
we’re as different as two quarterbacks could be
but there’s one thing we both agree
we are never gonna see that Concussion movie

Peyton Manning: Hey, I want to show you some of your famous moves of your game, huh?

Cam Newton: Alright! Alright!

[Cam Newton stands]

Look at my dab! Look at my dab!

[Two police officers come in]

Beck: Slow down. Hands where I see em’.

Bobby: Hey, you okay Mr. Manning?

Peyton Manning: Gosh, yea, yeah. He was just having fun.

Bobby: Okay, really? Coz earlier we saw him giving young child a large brown gun.

Cam Newton: Ay, man! That was a football.

[Cut to Super Bowl greeting outro]

Male voice: This has been a Super Bowl greeting form Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[The End]

Steam Ship

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Larry David

Kenan Thompson

Donovan … Vanessa Bayer

Bernie Sanders

[Starts with people panicking on a sinking ship]

Taran: We’re going down.

Beck: Evacuate the ship.

Kate: Have mercy on our son.

Bobby: Light the signal.

Larry: Light some.

Kenan: Lower down the life-boats.

Larry: Lower them.

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: What’s that?

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: Really?

Taran: Yes, really.

Larry: Shouldn’t it just be whoever is closest?

Bobby: Load the rations.

Taran: Tie them to the bust.

Kenan: Board the women and children. Save their lives.

Larry: And let’s not forget about the men’s lives.

[Kate gets on the boat with hers on]

That kid, he’s more of a man than I am!

Kenan: Hold on steady.

Bobby: Hold on.

Larry: Check his pants. Check for pubes.

Taran: No! We are absolutely not doing that.

Larry: You’re gonna let me drown but you won’t just do a simple pubes check?

Kenan: Help madam Donovan on to the life boat.

Larry: Her? What are you saving her for? She’s a threat to all of us. Have you gone through menopause, man!

Madam Donovan: That’s none of your business.

Larry: Oh, that answers my question. Sharks are going to be following up from miles if you’ll catch me drift.

Kenan: You suck, sir!

[Another woman and a kid gets on the boat]

Larry: Are you kidding me? That’s not a kid. that’s a midget, I can tell.

Kenan: Not cool.

Larry: I can say it. It’s old in times.

Taran: Alright men. Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.

Larry: Well, okay. I hate to pull this but my father is rich. I come from a wealthy family. Technically, my life is worth more than all of your’s put together. Especially these women and midgets. So if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna pop down in that lifeboat.

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Hold on! Hold on! Wait a second! I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment. Enough is enough. We need to unite and work together. If we’re all going to get through this.

Larry: Sounds like socialism to me.

Bernie Sanders: Democratic socialism.

Larry: Ah! What’s the difference?

Bernie Sanders: Huge difference.

Larry: Yuge?

Bernie Sanders: Huge.

Larry: Yuge with a Y? Who are you?

Bernie Sanders: I am Bernie Sanders Witsky. But we’re gonna change it when we get to America so it doesn’t sound so quite Jewish.

Larry: Yeah, that will trick them.

Taran: Hold on everyone. I’ve got great news. What we crossed into was Liberty Island. We’re in New York. Everyone off the boat!

[everybody cheering]

Bernie Sanders: Look at that!

Larry: Oh, wow! Not bad.

Bernie Sanders: Share a cab?

Larry: Nah! I think we’ve talked enough.

[The End]

Three’s A Crime

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Kara Torkelson… Ronda Rousey

Gaven Deli… Pete Davidson

Mrs. Deli… Kate McKinnon

Defense attorney… Taran Killam

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’re watching HLN, Headline News. Headline counts for two letters.

We now return to HLN’s coverage of Three’s A Crime: The Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson Civil Trial.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Bill: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott live at the Palo Alto Courthouse where another scandal has rocked this city schools.

Paula: High school teacher [Cut to Janet and Kara sitting in the court] Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson are accused of having an inappropriate group physical encounter with their student Mr. Deli [Cut to Gaven]who is just 16 at the time.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Bill: Deli’s mother is suing the defendants for emotional trauma inflicted upon her son.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Testimonies continues as Gaven Deli will be question by the defense.

[Cut to the courtroom]

Defense attorney: Now, Mr. Deli, can you point out your former teachers to the court?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. They’re right there, giving me butterflies.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Kara: Oh, my god.

Janet: So cheesy.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling] Monsters!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Ay, wait! Mrs. Deli, please try and control yourself. Continue counsel.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, do you recall the events of October 3rd, twothousandforteen? The day of the encounter?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, very clearly. I replay it like a movie in my head every single day.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Now your honor, I would like to present exhibit 7-A, a text conversation taken from Mr. Deli’s phone. [The TV is showing a text message from Ms. Luna] The defendant Ms. Luna texts, “I’m with Ms. Torkelson! Come over for some private tutoring”, winking emoji face. Can you describe your response Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. Um, I responded with a GIF of a cartoon bird exiting frame so fast that his feathers fly off to imply that I was happy and on my way as quickly as possible.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes, you certainly were to illustrate Mr. Deli’s attitude. I’d like to show traffic camera footage of Mr. Deli’s car the moment he received Ms. Luna’s text.

[Cut to a video clip of a car recklessly driving.]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Was that you driving Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven and Judge]

Gaven: Yes, that was the second coolest thing I did that day.

Judge: [looking proud] Second coolest, I see what you did there.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Gaven: And what happened when you arrived at Ms. Luna’s house.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I ran to the front door saying, “Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: I see. And when did things turn sexual between the three of you?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: After I walked in, I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself at the mirror and I said, “Your live begins today.” And then I came out and we got down.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And how long would you say the encounter lasted?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, about five hours.

[Cut to Judge looking shocked]

Judge: Oh, I remember those days.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, what happened when you left Ms. Luna’s house?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: I walked to the car with my arms out, kind of like, spinning in circles like a Disney princess. Like, mid song.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: Oh, my god!
Kara: So corny.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And in the days following, how did your classmates learn about what had happened?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I believe from me telling the story to anyone who would listen.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And were you ostracized in school because of this?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, no. I felt more like Forest Gump when he was running across America and people started following him because he represents hope.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yet your mother claims your peers called you names.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. Kids called me “The chosen one”, “King of everything”, “The Revenant”, “Three’s humpany”, “Diary of a pimpy kid”, “Velociraptor”, and “My man” but like Denzel Washington says it.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Um, I’m sorry. “My man” the way Denzel Washington–

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Wait, wait. Let the record show the witness means, [saying it the proud way] “My man!”

[Judge claps and shakes hands with Gaven]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes. And did this affect your relationship with your family at all?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. My grandpa and dad were estranged. This event brought them back together.

[Cut to Gaven’s dad and grandpa sitting in the court looking proud of him.]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: To illustrate Mr. Deli’s mental state in the days following here is a vine he posted the morning after the encounter.

[Cut to Gaven’s vine video. He is dancing willy and happily.]

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: I can’t with this kid.

Kara: What a dork.

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Alright, you know what? We’ll take a short recess and then we’ll resume testimony from My Man!

[Gaven and Judge high fives]

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Wow, absolutely riveting testimony.

Bill: I know, that kid rules. At 16, I was still all about playing with legos. More after this.

[Cut to HLN outro]

[The End]

Screen Guild Awards

Cecily Strong

Brad Dunn… Taran Killam

Ronda Rousey

Jay Pharoah

Drew Mackenzie… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

Barry Peele… Beck Bennett

Alan Smickel… Bobby Moynihan

Jacob Schultz… Jon Rudnitsky

Leslie Jones

Male voice: We now return to the Screen Guild Awards.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And now, the award for the best actor. There were so many great performances this year. It’s a shame we couldn’t nominate more. But I think we can all agree these were the best of the best. For ‘Punching Upward’ [Cut to Brad] as a boxing coach who wouldn’t give up on his pupil, Brad Dunn.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Punching Upward’]

Brad: So that’s it, huh? You’re just gonna quit?

Jay: Man, I don’t know why I’m doing this anyway. I’ll never beat Ruiz.

Brad: Ay! Screw Ruiz. You know who you gotta beat? Him! [showing the mirror] That guy right there. That’s the toughest opponent you’ll ever face in the world.

[Cut to Brad and Drew]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Shut Em Down’, a rockest look at rough and tumble 80s rap group Public Disaster, [Cut to Drew] in the role of Little Q, Drew Mackenzie.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Shut Em Down’]

Kenan: Man, they’ve been tryna’ shut us down from day one. Speak a little truth, and they tryna’ to take you out. But if anybody wants to leave, there’s the door. So who’s staying?

[Drew walks in]

Drew: Yeah, guys! Who’s staying? I know I am.

[Cut to Drew waving at the camera. Kenan is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Thurgood’, the story of the first black supreme court justice Thurgood Marshall, [Cut to Barry] playing the role of Dave, Barry Peele.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Thurgood’.]

Sasheer: I can’t wait forever Marshall. Do you love me? Or your books?

Marshall: Viv, if I’m gonna make it as a lawyer, I got to work 10 times as hard as these white folks. It’s the only way it’s gonna work.

[Barry walks in]

Barry: Hey guys, we close in five minutes.

Marshall: Thanks Dave.

[Barry walks away]

[Cut to Barry waving at the camera. The actor who played Marshall is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’, the story of African child soldiers and the ruthless warlord who led them, [Cut to Alan] for his role of white man with camera, Alan Smickel.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’.]

Jay: You will eat when I say. You will sleep when I say. You will kill when I say.

[Alan walks in with a camera in. Jay cannot see him so Alan just turns around and walks away.]

When we fight, we will eat the beating hearts.

[Cut to Alan smiling and looking at the camera. Jay is sitting beside him looking funnily. Alan gives him hand for a high-five but Jay ignores him.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Finally, for ‘Red Line’, the story of discriminatory housing practices between African Americans in Chicago, [Cut to Jacob] for his role as unseen voice on phone, Jacob Schultz.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Red Line’.]

Leslie: [on the phone][sobbing] You white people think you can take anything you want. Well, this is my house and it’s not right.

Jacob: Okay. I’ll give him the message.

[Cut to Jacob smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Leslie looking angry]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And the best actor is…[Cecily opens the card] Oh! Oh my god, I knew it. It’s five way tie. All the white guys!

[All the white guys walk to the stage happily]

Alan: Whoo! We did it!

[The End]

Ronda Rousey Monologue

Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.]

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

[Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Game at Debra’s House

Debra… Ronda Rousey

Robbie… Beck Bennett

Mikie… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Debra walking up to Robbie and Mikie]

Debra: Hey, Robbie. Hey, Mikie.

Robbie: Hey Debra.

Mikie: What’s up, Debra?

Debra: Were you guys able to talk to Don about the new customer service policies?

Robbie: Oh, not yet. But we’re definitely gonna get started digging our hands into it after lunch.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Great! Oh, and if you haven’t heard, I’m having some people over to game on Sunday, if you wanna come by.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, yes.

Mikie: Oh, yes!

Robbie: Okay.

Mikie: Big game, you’re having people over for it?

[Cut to everyone]

Debra: Yeah. I thought it might be fun.

Robbie: Oh, it’s party time. Alright!

Debra: Um, not quite a party but some people hope it for sure. No big deal.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Great! Me and him love parties. It’s one of our favorite things to go to.

Robbie: I always get invited to party. So, this is nothing new.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Oh well, mine’s Sunday starting at around 3.

[Cut to all. Debra is walking away.]

Mikie: Okay. Let me ask, morning or later?

Debra: 3 PM. Do not come to my house at 3 AM.

Mikie: Great! That’s actually easier for us.

Robbie: Yeah. Way easy for us. I’m actually scared at 3 AM.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Ah, okay. But there’s no reason to be scared.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: No. Not of a party.

Mikie: And of course, we’re gonna be doing what people do at party. So, a little bit of dancing, a little bit of what did you say?

[Cut to all]

Debra: Just watching football.

Robbie: Exactly! Yeah.

Debra: Feel free to bring something but no pressure.

[Debra is walking away]

Mikie: Um-hmm. Like a bucket.

Debra: We’re just going to be watching TV. So we don’t need buckets.

Mikie: Perfect!

Robbie: Oh, so yea, we’ll just bring in couple of TVs in?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I have a TV. You don’t have to bring one from home.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh that’s probably easier for us. We live two hours away. We don’t have a car.

Mikie: Yeah, thanks Obama.

Robbie: Oh, hey, do people have any allergies or–

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Okay, great. Then I’ll find a couple of dogs to bring.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Please don’t bring dogs to my house.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, okay. So you’re gonna provide the dogs?

Mikie: Oh, a very crazy affair.

Robbie: Ah!

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Have you guys not been to a party before?

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh yeah. Just not with other people.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Hey! I heard you guys talking about a party? I’m there. I’ll be the one with the nachos.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Ay, we’ll be the ones with the towels.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Don’t know what that can mean.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Coz we’re bringing towels to the party.

Robbie: Yeah, see you Sunday at 3 AM.

Mikie: PM.

Robbie: Oh, right!

[Cut to all]

Kenan: I’m gonna walk away right now.

Debra: I already have plenty of towels.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Lucky.

Mikie: We can bring rags.

Debra: Rags?

Mikie: You must know that those are little shredded towels.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I know what rags are. And I don’t need anything like that.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Say no more. That actually makes things a lot more easier for us.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: If you guys don’t wanna come, don’t stress.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, no. We’re not stressed. We got body massages today.

Mikie: Yeah. We’re not stressed at all. We’ve been to a party or two before.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I get it. Not your first ROYO.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: No one said anything about ROYO party.

Robbie: ROYO party. Either way, we get our clowns right?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: No. It’s very casual. I’ll see you at my house Sunday or not.

[Debra walking away]

Mikie: Roger that. Now, just a curiosity. How do we get inside your place?

[Cut to Debra getting annoyed]

Debra: What?

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Is there a climbing situation? Or do you want us to smash in the front door?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: No, it’s just a regular door and I’ll open it.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Perfect. Okay.

Mikie: That’s easier for us.

Robbie: Yeah.

[Cut to all]

Debra: Guys, you don’t really have to come.

Mikie: Oh, well, we do.

[Cut to Deb’s house at 3 AM]

[door bell ringing]

Robbie: Deb, wake up! We’re here to watch the game.

Mikie: We brought dogs and rags.

[door knocking]

[The End]

Flirting at the bar

Ronda Rousey

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

[Starts with three ladies walking to the bar at the club.]

Ronda: Three martinis please.

[Cut to three guys looking at the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Kate: Oh-oh! These guys were staring at you. [Cut to the guys walking towards the ladies] And I think they’re coming over here.

Jay: Yo, girl!

Taran: What’s up, girl?

Beck: Hello girl.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: Sorry guys, we’re kind of just having girls night.

[Cut to the guys]

Jay: Oh! Well, that’s perfect.

Taran: Yeah, coz actually we was looking to have girls night too.

Beck: Ha-ha. TJ, he’s such a mac. We’re all macs. We’re all player macs actually.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: Not interested.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: No, no, no. We’re not checking to see if you’re interested. We’re checking to see if you all think you can handle us.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.

[Cut to the guys]

Jay: Oh really?

[music playing]

[rapping] We won’t waste your time talking paper we stack in there
let us tell you about how we pack

Taran: Got a D so big you could ride it like a boat
throw it on the water, walk across it like a moat

Jay: I’ve even heard people say mine’s too much
I pulled it out my pants and I played double dutch

Taran: It’s no urban legend but take it from me
I let it sit shotgun, I can ride HOV

Beck: Don’t worry about mine I’ll go down on you

[Cut to the ladies looking confused]

[Cut to the guys. Jay and Taran are looking at Beck disappointed]

Jay: Faster than the train, you know what? Speeding bullet
so black and big, it was raised by Sandara Bullock

Taran: I walk with three lights when I’m not ever trying
If you was pinocchio’s nose, you’d know he was lying

Beck: Whatever! I’ll just go down on you
And I don’t take my pants off!

[Cut to the ladies looking speechless at what Beck is saying]

[Cut the guys]

Jay: You can get on the back and ride it like a rocket
it looked like an anaconda’s sticking out my pocket

Beck: Must be nice!

Taran: It stays hard like I keep it in the freezer
it leans to the left like the tower of Pisa

Beck: I’ll throw you on the bed, my pants are on
my shirt is on, my hat is on
my socks are on, my jacket’s on
blurred lines!

[Cut the the ladies shaking their heads]

Taran: I got more sausage than New Orleans got gumbo
When I pull down my pants, it looked just like Dumbo

Beck: When I pull down my pants, there’s another pair of pants
pants on, no negotiation!

Jay: Come on home with me, and I’ll break you off carpet
if my thing had a voice, it would sound like Mufasa

Beck: We’ve been doing all the talking let’s let her talk
like what’s your favorite passion and way to dance?
is it belly bottoms or the boogie-woogie?
or satin blows and cha-cha-cha

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re not even trying to rhyme.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: I am trying!

Taran: Yo girl, want some good time? Come roll with me
coz my thing goes deeper than poetry

Jay: When they see it, they get show
wank to it and use it as a lasso

Beck: I got a great job. I’ll go down on you. What are we even– I don’t love it but I’ll do it!

[Cut to the guys nodding to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: That was disgusting, immature and most of all, a bad rap.

[Beck walks forward and pushes Kate’s shoulder]

Beck:  absolutely disagree!

Jay: What are you doing, man?

Ronda: What the hell are you doing?

Beck: I barely pushed her.

[The ladies walk away]

I’m sorry.

[a girl walks by Beck]

I got a small penis but I’ll go down on you.

[The End]

BAMM – Bullies Against Mixed Martial Arts

Chad… Beck Bennett

Beckka… Ronda Rousey

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with a basketball court in college decorated with dim lights for a romantic vibe. Chad brings in Beckka.]

Chad: Keep your eyes closed.

Beckka: Of course, Chad.

Chad: No peeking. [they walk forward] Alright.

[Beckka opens her eyes. There is a table for two and a disco-ball over it.]

Sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant

Beckka: This is so much better. I love it. You did all of this for me?

Chad: Well, yeah! I like you. I just wanted tonight to be special. [they take seat]

Beckka: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Chad Channon. I didn’t even think you knew who I was.

Chad: Are you kidding me? I’ve had a crush on you for a while. [Beckka smiles] Try your soup.

Beckka: Wow, it’s so crunchy.

Chad: Do you like it?

Beckka: What is it?

[someone laughing at the mic]

Vanessa: It’s dog food.

[All the lights turn on. There are other girls laughing at Beckka.]

Congratulations, new girl.  You just ate real dog food. What’s the matter? Isn’t that what bitches eat?

[The girls come near Chad and Beckka]

Beckka: Chad, what’s going on?

Chad: What?

Vanessa: We played a trick on you, idiot! Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South Jeffery High would ask the weird new girl on a date? Wake up!

Beckka: You just pretended to like me chad?

Chad: Yeah, sorry.

Vanessa: How embarrassing for you. At least the whole school isn’t watching this on para-scope. Oh, wait! They are.

[Cut to Kate recording the video]

Kate: Say hi to the whole school.

Sasheer: A star is born.

Vanessa: What a shame too. She got all dolled up. Where did you get your dress? Is it from Walmart? See, I own this school. And you don’t talk to my boyfriend, and you cer–

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face]

[Vanessa is bleeding]

It’s okay, you guys. That barely hurt. [Vanessa walks to Beckka again] I hope it was worth it new girl because I am going to ruin your life. See, when you’re the popular–

[Beckka slaps Vanessa again]

Chad: Ah!

[Vanessa has Beckka’s palm marked on her cheek]

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face again]

Damn!

[Vanessa is clapping]

Vanessa: Bravo! But before you give an encore let me just say–

[Beckka slap-kicks Vanessa and Vanessa falls down]

[Everyone is shocked]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs new girl?

Beckka: No. I kicked you into them.

Vanessa: Ooh, cool words. Well– [Vanessa takes a ball and throws at Beckka] Think fast!

[Beckka hits Vanessa with a ball so fast and Vanessa falls.]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

You wanna play dirty? Give it to me. I got your diary. [reading diary] Dear Dolly.

[Beckka beats Vanessa up bad]

Chad: What?

[Vanessa is knocked out and Beckka starts walking out]

[Chad following Beckka]

Hey, Beckka. I saw what you did back there. It was pretty cool. You wanna grab a burger?

[Beckka hits Chad on his neck]

[Cut to Vanessa on the floor all beat up.]

Vanessa: I’m fine.

Male voice: One in five bullies will be a victim of mixed martial arts. Don’t be a statistic. Brought to you by BAMM! Bullies against mixed martial arts.