Tag: Beck Bennett

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.]

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]

Wallace Advertising

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Steve… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Mr. Wallace… Michael Keaton

[Starts with four people in the office of Wallace Advertising.]

Cecily: FYI folks, our CEO Mr. Wallace is going to be sitting in today.

Leslie: Mr. Wallace, why?

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Oh, he just said he wanna be more hands on in the creative process.

Steve: As long as he keeps hands off my lunch, I’ll be happy.

[everyone laughing]

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I just hope he keeps his hands off my lunch.

[Cut to everybody. No one laughs]

Oh, so you’re just gonna laugh at him but not laugh at me.

[Mr. Wallace walks in]

Mr. Wallace: Hey! How are you guys doing?

Cecily: Um, good Mr. Wallace. How are you?

Mr. Wallace: I’m good. I’m good. I’m good. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Everything alright with you folks? I was getting too soft at that quarter office. I needed to get back down here where the action and greatest stuff happens. What do we got? What are we pitching?

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Um, it’s an ad for Labatto’s. The official cereal of the Labat Blue Brewing company.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace:  Great, great, great. Lay your smoke around me. Just right down the middle. Give it to me.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Wallace starts using his nasal hair trimmer]

Beck: Sorry?

Mr. Wallace: This one’s a smoker. Right by me. Right down in the middle. Just was one by me. Come on! Right on my face! With me.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Okay. So, this smoker is still in the rough stages. But we thought we open in our suburban kitchen, mama’s setting down two  bowls of Labatto’s on the table.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Good. Good.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Uh, the dad comes in dressed for work and the son comes down also in a suit.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Ya.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The mom says, “Honey, what are you wearing?” He says, “I wanna go to work with daddy today.”

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: Yeah. And dad reaches down, tussle his son’s hair a little bit.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, and the mom’s got huge knockers. Go ahead!

Steve: Sure, sure. That can be part of it.

Mr. Wallace: No, no. It is part of it.

Steve: Sure. So, the mom has huge knockers.

Mr. Wallace: Good! Very good. Ya.

Steve: Exactly. And the kid says, “I want the same breakfast as daddy.”

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] No, no. You know what it is? [Cut to Mr. Wallace] he looks at knockers and he’s like, “I’ll have what he’s having.” [laughing] That’s very good. Really, that’s very good. What’s the hook though?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, well, okay, we thought maybe the mom would say, “If you keep keep eating your Labatto’s you can be like your dad.”

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, you cut to the kid and he put down his glasses and he goes right straight at the camera, he goes, “Whaaaat?” And the camera starts jiggling coz the cameraman is laughing. Go ahead.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Um, right. The camera jiggles. And the dad puts his arm around the mom, looks at the son, and he says–

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] He says, “You keep eating that Labatto’s, you’re gonna pork this big old thing.” [laughs] [Cut to Mr. Wallace] And he points to the mom who looks to the camera. She goes, “Whaaaat?” The camera shoots straight up. Straight up. Coz cameraman had a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

He’s very good guy. He’s nice.

Steve: So, the camera’s just pointing at the ceiling?

Mr. Wallace: Yeah! Yeah, that’s great. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Then the kid leans into the shot. He looks down and he says, “Houston, we have a boner.” [laughs]

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Mr. Wallace, your stomach is bleeding.

[Mr. Wallace’s stomach is bleeding all over his shirt.]

Mr. Wallace: Oh, shoot! Oh, god! [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Man! I’ve been flirting with his girl who got my bellybutton pierced. I think she might hit a vessel. Oh boy. Man, things we do for a piece of tail, huh Steve?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Steve: I guess so, sir. Yeah, don’t call me sir. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] That was my dad’s name. Call me Sir Sly. Now, who is another smoker at me?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Okay, well, we have a pitch for a Spatz’s family brand ketchup.

Mr. Wallace: Great. What is it?

Cecily: Okay. We open on a backyard barbecue. Grandma is there with her famous special sauce.

Mr. Wallace: Good, good.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: And then, someone put spats on her burger! Grand is–

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: A bit set in her ways.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: So, grandma sees him put the ketchup on.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: And she starts running over to him.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah. She trips, falls down. Her face right on the grill. Her head gets on fire. And she’s screaming. Go ahead.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Um…

Steve: Uh, grandpa comes up. Put the fire out.

Beck: Grandma heads towards–

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah, trips and falls faced on the grill this time, catches fire again. Go ahead.

Beck: And then grandpa…

Mr. Wallace: Pulls down his glasses. Go oh.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: And says, “Whaaaat?”

[Cut to Mr. Wallace being confused.]

Mr. Wallace: Explain!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I just..

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: No, no, no, no. You know what it is? Grandpa says, “You’re a little baby!” And then grandma pops up. By this time her whole old lady face is burnt right off. And now, she’s got a smoking hot babe face. And then, of course, the huge knockers we didn’t notice before. Everyone pulls down their sunglasses and are like, “Houston, we have another boner.” Go on!

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The camera starts shaking.

Mr. Wallace: Exactly. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Exactly. The cameraman is dying laughing. The camera flips around, we finally see the cameraman. He’s cool and fun than all of them. He thinks it’s about– Think about that guy, he’s the coolest one of all of em’. All of em’!

[Cut to everybody]

That’s good. Oh god! Jesus!

[Mr. Wallace’s shirt is all soaked in blood]

Everybody: Oh!

Mr. Wallace: Oh, man! This thing is getting worse. Okay, well, you guys keep working. I’ma– I’m gonna go to the hospital.

[ends]

[cheers and applause]

Smart Home

Cecily Strong

Michael Keaton

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a husband and wife in their house.]

Cecily: Oh, honey. I’m beginning to think our new neighbors aren’t gonna show up at our get together today.

Michael: Well, that’s surprising. You don’t think they want to get to know us?

Cecily: Well, let me just check outside the door, just in case.

[Cecily opens the door. There are few people outside the door.]

Oh, well. Honey, look. They’re all standing right out here. Now, were you all afraid to knock?

Venessa: Hi there, we’ve been ringing the bell.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Oh! That’s right. Our doorbell is currently disabled. And we’re in the process of turning our house into a smart-house.

[Cut to Cecily and the others]

Cecily: That’s right. Come on in. Welcome.

[The neighbors walk in]

Kate: Well, a smart-house? You know, that sounds so neat. What’s that intel?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: My husband is a professor. He’s great at science. Can I show them the toaster prototype?

Michael: Well, sure, sweetie. You got it going like this.

[Cecily brings in a red toaster. It looks really nice.]

Okay, now. This is a smart-toaster

[Cut to the neighbors.]

Beck: It don’t look any different from a regular toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Good eye. Great observation. He hasn’t added science to it yet.

Michael: Yeah, but once I do, it will be able to roll out to meet me wherever I am. And then it’ll use it’s rockets to shoot up and hover at eye level, to receive the toast.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kyle: Oh, okay. A floating toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Absolutely. And that’s not all. It will use percent to tell us how toasted your toast is. Like, it will say, “Mrs. Croford, your toast is 84% toasted.” And it will have human eyes to stare at you while it says that. Honey, turn it around so that they can see the eyes.

Michael: Sure.

[Michael turns the toaster around. It has two eyeballs.]

Now, there are just placed here until I’m able to connect the human eyes to it.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Oh, how nice.

Venessa: Oh, well, isn’t that something.

Kate: We should probably be going. We left our baby in a tub.

Kyle: That’s right. Um, we were giving our baby a bath.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, hang on. Just first listen to this other thing. [Cut to everyone] This is gonna be our smart couch.

Michael: Yeah, once I have it scienced to it, of course.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Oh, honey. They know that. Now, the idea here is that the smart couch will recognize you from your sitting on it.

Michael: Yeah. Now, how much do you think that’ll work? You, answer.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Um, I guess the couch recognizes your weight or something.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Ah! Wrong guess.

Cecily: Yes, exactly. Wrong guess. Every time you sit down, a small tube will go up into your back side to get to know you.

Michael: Yeah. All of our back side interiors are unique. Like, a thumbprint, or a snowflake.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: I don’t think I would like that.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: You’re telling me you wouldn’t like a couch that called you by your name?

Michael: I bet they’re worried about that tube that goes up inside.

Cecily: Oh, yeah. We’ve heard that before.

Michael: Yeah, tube isn’t that big. You shouldn’t notice it.

Cecily: No, it’s like a sports bottle straw, if you’re familiar.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: That still seems pretty intrusive.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Because it will have eyes on it, so it can see where it’s going.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: So, do you have to sit on the couch naked?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: [laughing] My word, no. Can you imagine? The tube is sharp enough so that it will go straight through your pants.

Michael: And as it comes back out, it secretes a small amount of pants glue to seal up the hole it made. Would you like for us to pretend to do it?

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: Pretend to do what?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, sit on the couch and have the tube recognize us, of course.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: No. I think we–

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Now, remember, I haven’t put any science on it yet. So, this is all still pretending.

[Cecily starts acting]

Cecily: Oh boy, have I had the day! I’m gonna sit on this couch and relax.

[Cecily sits on the couch]

Michael: Uh-huh! At this point a tube will come up.

[Michael pulls up a rod through the couch. It has eyes stuck to it as well.]

It will push in like this. Now, imagine, my wife sitting on this tube. It will look around, you know, to recognize it from the inside.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Oh, sweet reesy peesy.

Venessa: That’s bigger than a sports drink straw.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: [pretending to be the smart couch] Well, hello there Mrs. Croford. I recognize you from your inside.

Cecily: Oh! Isn’t that nice. I don’t feel a thing.

Michael: Well, that’s coz my tube has human eyes and it knows right where to go.

Cecily: Hey, my pants are gonna be all cut up from you, will they?

Michael: Definitely not. Just provide me 25 minutes to heat up my pants glue. Would you like me to begin that process now?

Cecily: Sure, I’ll sit here very still for 20 minutes while you heat that glue.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Now, we really do need to go. All of us at once.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael: Alright, alright! But hey, before you go, would you mind signing these non-disclosure agreement?

Cecily: You understand. It’s all patent pending.

Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: This says we agree to kill ourselves together.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Oh, man! Smart printer printed them wrong form.

Cecily: Alright. Well, just a second, guys. Let me get the printer tube.

[Cecily pulls out a large pipe with eyes]

Now, you won’t feel this. Who wants to go first?

College Basketball

Ernie Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kenny Smith… Jay Pharoan

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Mike Krzyzewski… Taran Killam

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Road to the Final Four intro]

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Ernie: Thank you for joining us on the CBS post game show. I’m Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Well, the teams are set. [Cut to Ernie] A big upset tonight as Wisconsin beats Kentucky and will play Duke for the man’s national championship. What an exciting performance by these student athletes, guys.

[Cut to all]

Kenny: Incredible.

Charles: Yeah. It really was. [Cut to Charles] I don’t even like college basketball. They just pay me to sit here for two weeks in March and keep talking until somebody hands me a sandwich.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Well, some tough news after the game guys. As Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski announced, his team may have major setback. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Mike in a press conference]

Mike: Um, thank you all for being here. While we are thrilled to be competing for a national championship, I am sorry to report that one of our student athletes had an emergency. And our starting forward Jahlil Okafor will not play on Monday.

[Cut to the press being shocked.]

Kyle: Is he hurt?

Pete: Is he sick

Cecily: Did he tear an ACL?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Um, no. No. He has a big biology test on Tuesday. Real big. It’s a tough break but what are you gonna do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wait, you’re gonna keep him out of the National Championship game because of a biology test?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Of course, I am. Guys, these are student athletes. Students. If they only came to college to play basketball, then we’d all look pretty silly.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Coach, millions of people will be watching. I mean, there are sponsors paying big money. Is this biology test really that important?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: It’s about more than the test, okay? It’s like I told all my players, college is the most important year of your life. Look, these guys get paid in education. And if we can’t give them that, it’s like they’re being robbed. It’s be as if Duke didn’t pay me my salary of $10 million this year. [laughing] I mean, insane! So right now. Jahlil is in the Buffalo Wildwing study tent quietly working on the paper.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: So, if Okafor isn’t playing, who will start?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Well, we still got Steve. Steve, you wanna come in here?

[Steve walks in with a basketball.]

Steve: Hey, what’s up? Yeah, let’s ball, am I right?

Mike: Steve is actually a walk on player. He is a 36 year old grad student.

Steve: Yeah. I went back to school to make my little girl proud.

Mike: Now, look. Is Steve better than Jahlil Okafor?

Steve: No.

Mike: Absolutely not.

Steve: No way.

Mike: Steve’s playing because he doesn’t have a test on Tuesday. That’s just how it works.

Steve: Yeah, we ballin’!

[Steve loses the ball from his hand]

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Ernie: Wow, tough break for Duke, specially for Jahlil Okafor.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean Okafor may feel bad today. But in the long run, it’s worth it. Remember, if he doesn’t take advantage of the college experience, he will just have to spend time the rest of his like a millionaire in NBA. That’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: So, when you guys played, everyone cared this much about their studies?

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Oh, absolutely Ernie. There in my time in Auburn, all I thought about was homework. One game, I missed all these free throws because I couldn’t stop thinking about my science project. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how much baking soda to put in volcanos. And I majored in volcanos.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean in North Carolina, I studied all the time. Because I’d be damned if I was going to be the only one in the NBA who did not know the poetry of Emily Dickerson. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Me too. Me too. College basketball, more than just a sport. It’s about tradition. It’s about values. It’s about a huge bet I made that Kentucky would at least cover this bread. Now I got to eat a basketball.

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Come on, man!

Ernie: We’ll see how it all goes down on Monday right here. And…

Ernie, Kenny and Charles: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Rock Obama Cold Open

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Tom Cotton… Kyle Mooney

John Boehner… Taran Killam

Ted Cruz… Bobby Moynihan

Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata

The Rock Obama… Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Agent… Beck Bennett

She Rock Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a meeting with Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Gentlemen, um, thank you for coming. Now, the reason I asked you all here is because we only have until end of March to get something done in my list. And that’s hard to do when you, senator Cotton are sending letters to Iranian government behind my back?

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: Yes, I did. [Tom Cotton looks at John Boehner and Ted Cruz]

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Alright. Or, when you, speaker Boehner are inviting the prime minister of Israel to speak to congress without consulting with me?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: I did do it.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Or when you, senator Cruz call Mr. Netanyahu, an extraordinary leader and side with him against your own president?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s just how I feel.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Now, look. I’m gonna try to not lost my temper. But what’s it gonna take for us to show a united front on this?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: Well, not to be rude, Mr. President, but the only reason I invited prime minister Netanyahu is because I wanted to meet a world leader whose people actually respect him.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

Ted Cruz: Yeah, you know? [Cut to Ted Cruz] And I’m impressed he even came to visit considering how much your bad your situation in the middle east.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: I’ve been in Wash in three months and I think I think I understand foreign policy better than you. And unrelated, I heard your file four bracket is totally busted.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off. He starts screaming and grunting.]

[Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner and Ted Cruz. Michelle Obama walks in the office.]

Michelle Obama: Oh, my god! It’s happening.

[Cut to a worn shirt and shoes being torn]

[Cut to The Hulk version of Barack Obama.]

[Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner, Ted Cruz and Michelle Obama. They look shocked.]

John Boehner: What’s happening?

Michelle Obama: What’s happening is you made Barack Obama very angry. And when you make him angry, he turns into ‘The Rock Obama’. Well, anyway, I just wanted to remind you about dinner Barack. Gentlemen, good luck!

[Michelle Obama leaves]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]
Barack Obama: Now, um, don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama much like Barack Obama, only larger and more violent. Now, where were we? You.

[Cut to John Boehner and The Rock Obama]

John Boehner: Me?

The Rock Obama: You invite Netanyahu without asking?

John Boehner: [scared] Um, I- I did. But–

[The Rock Obama carried John Boehner by his collar with one hand]

The Rock Obama: You like Israel?

John Boehner: Yes.

The Rock Obama: Oh, maybe you should go visit Israel.

[The Rock Obama throws John Boehner out of the window.]

You, Tom Cotton.

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Come here.

[Tom Cotton walks to The Rock Obama.]

Tom Cotton: Okay.

[Cut to Tom Cotton and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: You write letter to Iran?

Tom Cotton: I did, yes.

The Rock Obama: You like writing letters?

Tom Cotton: I guess.

The Rock Obama: How you write letter when you have no hand?

[The Rock Obama pulls off Tom Cotton’s hand]

Tom Cotton: Oh! Oh, god!

The Rock Obama: Watch, this. Obama from downtown.

[The Rock Obama throws Tom Cotton’s hand into the bin like scoring in basketball.]

Break! Okay, you go now.

[Tom Cotton jumps out of the window himself.]

[Cut to Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama.]

You! Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz: Alright.

The Rock Obama: Come, sit next to president.

[Ted Cruz sits near The Rock Obama]

Ted Cruz: Yes?

The Rock Obama: You shut down government? Very rude! The Rock Obama polite, so I ask, please, may I crush your head?

Ted Cruz: Oh, no!

[The Rock Obama is crushing Ted Cruz’s head]

[Cut to Michelle Obama walking in]

Michelle Obama: Barack, stop!

[cut to Michelle Obama, Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Oh, just kidding. Me no crush his head. Just tear it off.

Ted Cruz: Oh-oh!

Michelle Obama: Senator, you better go.

Ted Cruz: Okay, bye-bye.

[Ted Cruz runs out]

[Agent walks in]

Agent: Excuse me Mr. President.

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Yes, agent.

[Cut to Agent]

Agent: I’m afraid we have another little oopsie due over at the secret service. Turns out there has been a mentally ill vagrant living in the White House garden for the last two months.

[Cut to Agent and Michelle Obama]

Michelle Obama: [yelling] Are you kidding me? My garden?
[Michelle Obama is screaming and grunting]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Easy Michelle!

[Cut to Michelle Obama’s back. Her dress and shoes are being torn like The Hulk.]

[Cut to She Rock Obama screaming and grunting]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Barack not only one. There’s also “She Rock Obama”

[Cut to Agent and She Rock Obama]

She Rock Obama: You try to protect us, but who will protect you?

[She Rock Obama pulls off Agent’s arm. Agent faints.]

[Cut to She Rock Obama and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Michelle, high-five! Ah! Being president is fun.

The Rock Obama and She Rock Obama: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Jungle

Shortlong… Pete Davidson

Dr. Bones… Dwayne Johnson

Ms. Reece… Kate McKinnon

Tribal man… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

[Starts with TNT Movie Night intro]

Male voice: You’re watching TNT Movie Night. And now, back to the 1983 classic, Escape from Jungle Island.

[Cut to three people in the jungle]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones! Look! The Forbidden Temple of lost souls.

Dr. Bones: Excellent work, Shortlong. And you were a very talented translator Mrs. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Actually, it’s Ms. Reece, Dr. Bones. [Ms. Reece is feeling Dr. Bones’s muscles] I hope we share many more adventures together.

Dr. Bones: Well, let’s keep it professional, Ms. Reece. We have to retreat the priceless Yulu-Yulu crystal and get off the jungle island. There’s gotta be a lever here. There’s always a lever.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Uma-Uma-Uma. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Shortlong’s neck.]

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones. I’ve been hit by a poisonous dart.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, no!

Shortlong: This is the end of the line for me, Dr. Bones. I’m a goner.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you still have a chance. I’ll suck the poison out.

[Dr. Bones is sucking Shortlong’s neck.]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, sweet kiss!

[Cut to Dr. Bones and Shortlong. Dr. Bones sucks the poison out of Shortlong’s neck. Shortlong survives.]

Dr. Bones: There. Feel better, Shortlong?

Shortlong: Dr. Bones. You saved my life.

Dr. Bones: Ah! Well, I’d do the same thing for all my friends.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Really? Oh, well. [Ms. Reece acts as she’s been hit by a dart on her lips] Oh, no. I’m hit too. Right on my soft lips. You both heard it. Oh!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: I don’t see a dart, Ms. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Ya, but you’re just a guy. Maybe Dr. Boner should look.

Dr. Bones: It was probably a mosquito.

[Cut to another tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Bali-bali-bali. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s chest.]

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Bones: Ah! I’m hit. I’m hit right in the chest.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, I’ll suck it out. Me!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: No, no, no, no! Ms. Reece. Dr. Bones saved my life. Now, I must return the favor. It’s guy code.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, do you see the wound?

Shortlong: No.

[Dr. Bones is unbottoning his shirt.]

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: No.

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: Ah! He hit you right on the nipple.

Dr. Bones: Oh! Quick! Shortlong!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, give me! Give me!

Dr. Bones: Suck the poison out with your mouth.

[Cut to Shortlong sucking on Dr. Bones’s nipple]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Wait! What if you blow into that nipple while I suck on the other one? Will that work? Let me try that, please?

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Already done.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you’re a true friend.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Are you sure you got all the poison? Someone should check to make sure–

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Good idea, Ms. Reece.

[Shortlong sucks on Dr. Bones’s nipple again]

[Shortlong spits out]

There you go. I got it all.

Dr. Bones: Now, let’s open this door and retrieve that crystal.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Feti-feti-feti-feti. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s butt.]

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! He hit me in the rear!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, damn! I got you.

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: No, no, no, Ms. Reece. I’m close to Dr. Bone. By the time you get over here, the poison will enter his blood stream.

Dr. Bones: He’s right, Ms. Reece. I appreciate you trying to help. But it has to be Shortlong. He’s slightly closer and time is of the essence.

[Shortlong sucks poison out of Dr. Bones’s butt.]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: I can hold his butt firmly for you, you know? So you can just focus on getting the poison out.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Oh, there’s so much poison Dr. Bones.

Dr. Bones: Don’t stop sucking Shortlong until it’s all out.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Um, we can take shifts. I go now, you go when I’m done tomorrow.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Already done. It was so hard to get a good seal. His skin is so tight!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: I owe you one, Shortlong.

[Cut to two tribal men]

Tribal men: Dali-dali-dali!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Aim over here, and I’ll make you very rich men.

[Tribal men shoot Shortlong and Dr. Bones with a dart on their penis.]

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! We both were shot right between the legs.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, no! And it all falls on me because only one can be saved. Oh, no! [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece] Farewell brave Shortlong.

Dr. Bones: No! We can save each other. Shorlong, quick! Cartwheel up to me.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones are sucking on each other cartwheeling.]

Ms. Reece: Let me in there! Let me in there!

Dr. Bones: They’ll be out in 15 minutes.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones leave and the tribal men come and take Ms. Reece away.]

Pepboys

Bobby Moynihan

Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a video of Starbucks]

Female voice: Last week, Starbucks created the Race Together campaign, which encourage all the baristas across the country to start a dialog with their customers about race. It was a way to open minds and share thoughts. All over coffee. And we think Starbucks is on the right track.

[Cut to Pep Boys mechanics]

So, we at Pep Boys are starting a conversation too. This month, all Pep Boys mechanics are encouraged to start a dialog with you, the customer, about gender and sexual identity. As part of Pep Boys new Genderflect campaign.

[Cut to a Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Bobby: Listen, I should pull up whatever people wanna do. Like, if you were guy and you wanted to be a girl, that’s great. But me personally, I could never cut off my [bleep]

[The customer is confused and speechless]

Female voice: Because if we don’t talk about these issues, who will?

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Beck:  gotta question for you. You gay, right?

Colin: Yes, I am.

Beck: So, are you allowed to say, like, “That’s gay?”

Colin: I guess I can.

Beck: Oh, man! You are so lucky.

[Beck telling to his fellow staff at the counter] He get’s to say, “That’s gay!”

Kyle: Oh, so lucky.

Female voice: Our mechanics are ready to start a conversation with you about complex intersex issues.

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Aidy: If you got both parts down there, then be proud. If I had both, I’d be doing myself all day long.

[Kate doesn’t want to listen]

Kate: Please go get my car.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: You know what my favorite show is? Ellen. That’s important because she used to be a man.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Jay: Yes, she did.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Aidy: Yeah, she was a man.

Kate: Will you go get my car?

[cut to Aidy writing ‘Genderflect’ on a car’s windscreen.]

Female voice: Because Pep Boys knows that the only thing more important than your car is taking the time to genderfy.

[Cut to Kyle talking to a customer]

Kyle: I think my cousin’s kid got born wrong. Well, not wrong, you know? Coz that’s the thing, you know? It’s not wrong if it’s right the hip.

Sasheer: Uh-huh! Okay.

Kyle: Anyway. Your car is totaled.

Sasheer: What?

Female voice: Pep Boys.

Male voice: Or girls, or that third kind where you’re both.

[Cut to Aidy and Jay hugging Kate]

Kate: So, do I need new break pads or?

Improv Show

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Noah… Kyle Mooney

Robert Durst… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

[Starts with an Improvisational show]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, everyone. Let’s keep tonight moving. The next team is one of the best improv groups in the city. Give it up for Price Charmin’.

[music playing. Sasheer leaves the stage.]

[three guys and one lady come in dancing]

Aidy: Okay, turn it down in the booth, Frank. Thank you so much. We are Prince Charmin’. Everything you’re about to see is made up for you on the spot. It’s never been done before and it will never be done again.

[Noah walks front]

Noah: Yeah, one night only folks.

Aidy: [laughing] Okay, Noah. So, tonight we’re gonna improvise a whole show about one of you. So, who wants to get up here and get interviewed? Okay, yes! I see a small hand back there. Come on up here, dude. Come on up.

[Robert walks up]

Alright. Take a seat. What’s your name, bud?

Robert: My name is Robert Durst.

Aidy: Okay, Robert. So, Robert, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Oh! I don’t know. I’m from Scarsdale. I have black eyes. And one time, I chopped off my best friend. I don’t know, I’m a psycho.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ai-yai-yai! Robert! This is a comedy show. So, let’s keep things a little bit lighter, okay?

Robert: Yeah, of course I can do that.

Aidy: So, robert, what did you do today?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, I woke up. I shaved off my eyebrows. Then for lunch, I went to Wegman’s. I stole a chicken salad sandwich. I had $400,000 cash in the car. I just didn’t want to pay for it. I don’t know.

[Cut to everybody. Noah walks front.]

Noah: Hey, treats are on this guy!

Aidy: [laughing] Noah, you’re crazy!

Robert: [poinging at Aidy] You have too much energy. What’s your address?

Aidy: I live right across from JFK. So, now Robert, is there any special lady in your life? Or gentleman! Or gentleman.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, there is one lady. Her name is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ooh! And who is this Jeanine?

Robert: Um, she’s some bitch from New York.

Aidy: Oh, gosh! Well, I hope she’s not here tonight.

Jeanine: I am! [Cut to Jeanine] I’m always right behind you, Robert! And I’m gonna catch you with mine two gorgeously manicured hands. Or my name’s not Jeanine Pirro!

[Cut to the stage]

Robert: Ah! She’s gonna die.

[Beck walks front]

Beck: Um, what was that, dude?

Noah: You’re gonna kill her?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: [talking to himself] No, Robert. You did it again. Did what? Killed them all of course.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: Oh-oh! Okay. Very cool. Let’s give Robert up here a round of applause.

[everybody clapping]

[Robert leaves the stage]

Robert: What was this for?

Aidy: Okay, so now we’re gonna improvise a set based entirely on Robert Durst.

[Noah and Beck walk front]

Beck: Hey, will you hold this sandwich for me? I gotta go kill someone.

[Cut to Robert and Beck sitting next to each other in the audience.]

Robert: Oh, wow! That’s me!

[cheers and applause]

Dinner Date

Venessa Bayer

Jin… Kenan Thompson

Judy… Dwayne Johnson

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Venessa and Jin having dinner together at a restaurant]

Venessa: Jin, this dinner was amazing. What a perfect anniversary.

Jin: Oh, anything for you sweetheart.

[Judy and Jemma walk to Venessa and Jin]

Judy: Oh, ho! Oh, my god! Jin, this is crazy! You recognize me?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

This is nuts. I feel like just got F-ed in my brain without protection.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having trouble placing you.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Judy Duty. Remember? We sent that guy to the chair together.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Oh, yeah.

Venessa: You sent a guy to the chair?

Jin: Well, I didn’t want to. I just needed it to end.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Ay, can we join you? Oh, we should. Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Jemma. She’s British. Ay, but don’t get a boner when she talks, huh?

Jemma: [in British accent] Babe, don’t tuck me out so much. I’m Jemma. Okay, babe, let’s sit. I’m so hungry.

Judy: Scoot over lady. You got pretty of space. I don’t want to crunch him in and pop the bones back out your back.

Jemma: Okay, gross! Picturing you like that.

Judy: Oh, I’m sorry babe. I’m such a big bag of freaking meat balls. Ay, did I introduce you to my girl?

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma.

Venessa: Yes, we did this.

Judy: Yeah, yeah. She’s British. Tell em’ who you used to date.

Jemma: Footballers.

Judy: Isn’t that hot? Footballers. Makes you think about what she might do with her foot to you boy. Isn’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um…

Jemma: Babe! I want some nibble. Get some babe.

Judy: Oh, she means apps. She says nibbles. Hey, say it again.

Jemma: Nibbles.

Judy: A-ha-ha-ha. I’m as hard as a door knob right now. You know what I mean? You Jin? How about you?

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Umm… um…

Venessa: You’re not hard, are you Jin?

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Well, we need the apps. Where is the app guy? Where is the guy? The apps guy. We’re starving.

Jemma: Nibbles.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: We’re actually just finishing dessert and we were about to head home.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Yeah, it’s a bone, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ain’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um, possibly.

Jemma: Nibbles. I want nibbles now.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Ay, you guys have heard about onion rings? You gonna love em’.

[Waiter comes by]

Ay, you! How much are the onion rings? Like 25 cents a ring, right?

Waiter: We don’t really do it that way.

Jemma: Let’s get 200s.

Judy: Ha-ha. Babe, that’s like $800.

Jemma: Yeah, we can split it with them.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: Oh, no.

Jin: No.

[Cut to Judy, Jemma and Waiter]

Judy: Ay, yeah. Cool. Give me 200 onion rings, split it four ways. And quick checking out my girlfriend’s rack, hah!

Waiter: Okay.

Jemma: Babe, knock it off. [Cut to everybody] Quit being a mob.

Judy: She’s being shy. Isn’t that great? Is your’s shy? What’s her name?

Venessa: My name is–

Judy: No, no, no, no. I asked him. Ay, is she shy?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Women have to stand out girl power.

Judy: Ay, my girl likes your girl. They should be best friends now, right? Hey, do you wanna be best friends with that girl?

Jemma: Yeah, I really think so.

Judy: Jin, are you crazy stiff right now? I mean, that’s our girlfriends right. They’re like, best friends.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: You guys, it has been great running into you. But–

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you know what? She’s a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer. I’ve got a song called banana.

Judy: It’s a crazy hot club song. Imagine the track in the background.

[Judy starts banging on the sofa and Jemma starts singing.]

Jemma: [singing] Going out with my girls tonight

having fun with my girls tonight

big banana, long banana, short banana, white banana

let’s get bananas

five, four, three, two, banana.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]
Judy: Wow, how good was that?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: If you don’t have a boner right now, you should just kill yourself.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Nah, I’m good.

Venessa: Does that mean you have one?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter brings in the onion rings in a huge tray.]

Judy: Whoa! Hang on here. Hang on.! Who is this guy? Who is this guy looking at us like this?

Waiter: I’m your waiter. Remember? You just ordered 200 onion rings.

[Waiter puts the tray on the table]

Judy: You know what? I think you wanna kiss my girlfriend right in front of me. Like, I’m the joke of the day. I’ve got something for you. Come here.

[Judy pulls Waiter byhis collar and smashes his head on the table. Waiter faints.]

Jemma: Babe, is this an onion ring? That’s not what I thought. I don’t like this. It’s like, all onion. I can’t have onion.

Judy: Oh, well now what?

Jemma: Let’s give them to her.

[Cut to Venessa an Jin]

Jin: Yeah, she’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll just all hang out while she eats all these onion rings. And then when she’s done, then we’ll all leave.

Jemma: [clapping] Eat em’. Eat em’ up!

[Cut to everybody

Jin: Yeah. Start eating please.

[Venessa eats one onion ring]

Jemma: One! [claps]

[Venessa eats another onion ring]

Two! [claps]

[cheers and applause]

Brogaine

Kyle Mooney

Abraham… Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Cashier… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Erkhart… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with a house party]

[Kyle sees Abraham. He’s wearing a cap.]

Kyle: Yo, Abraham! You’re up? Keg stand!

Abraham: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Abraham doing the keg stand and Kyle and Pete holding his legs.]

Everybody: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

[Abraham finishes the drink and stand up. His cap falls off. He’s bald.]

Abraham: Whoo! Whoo!

[Everyone is looking him in awkward way]

What?

Pete: Abraham. Are you bald?

[Cut to Abraham denying.]

Abraham: No!

[Abraham runs out of the crowd and sits on the stairs alone.]

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Hey! Sorry about back there.

Abraham: It just sucks. No one wants to be the bald guy in the frat.

Kyle: I know. That’s why I use this.

[Kyle hands over a box to Abraham]

Abraham: Brogaine? For college age guys?

Kyle: You know, I was like you once.

[Cut to Kyle when he was bald walking to the college.]

Honestly, I felt like a creep around campus.

[Cut to Sasheer walking smiling. But when she sees Kyle, she makes her face salty.]

I couldn’t even get anyone to check my fake ID.

[Cut to bald Kyle buying a liquor. He tries to show the cashier his ID.]

Cashier: Oh, that’s not necessary, sir. [talking to another customer] Young man, have your ID out and ready.

[Cut to an old man standing beside Kyle.]

Kyle: That’s when my doctor told me about Brogaine.

[Cut to the doctor who is also bald.]

He explained pretty much your balding can be caused by stress brought on by things like midterms, nerds, think your frat dog may be alcoholic and you chanted the N-word in a viral video. The Brogaine helps fight hair loss by combining the hair growing properties of Minoxidil with other useful chemicals like creatine, vicodin and bud heavy.

[Cut to Kyle and Abraham]

Abraham: Wow, so it really does work, huh?

[The doctors walks in. He has very long hair.]

Dr. Erkhart: Ha-ha. It worked for me.

Kyle: Dr. Erkhart?

Dr. Erkhart: [looking at the party] So, um, we doing this?

Male voice: Brogaine, it’s nice!