Tag: Beck Bennett

The House with Chris Hemsworth

Chase… Beck Bennett

Eric… Chris Hemsworth

Bryan… Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with Chase and Eric watching a movie]

Chase: Man, what a good movie.

Eric: Yeah.

Chase: You done ordering some food?

Eric: eah, I’m gonna go and take a shower. So, let’s pick somewhere to eat when I get back.

Chase: Cool. I’ll look through some menus.

[Eric leaves and Chase is gong through some menus]

[Bryan walks in]

Bryan: Hey, man. I’m gonna pick up some groceries. I thinking of making dinner tonight.

[Cut to Chase being shocked]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: This is the first time I’ve heard anything about Bryan wanting to get groceries. I might have to tell him that Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Bryan being shocked.]

[Cut to Chase]

Would you wanna get in on that?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Wait, Eric and Chase are ordering food? Now I’m thinking I wanna order food too. I’m really confused.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Bryan: Hey, man. We need to talk.

Chase: Yeah. What’s up?

Bryan: I was thinking about ordering that food stuff. And I think– I think I definitely wanna order food with you guys.

Chase: Nice.

[Chase and Bryan hug each other]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Wow! It’s cool to have somebody in the house that I can finally be myself around.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Cool if I put my feet up?

Bryan: No problem. Just be yourself.

[Chase puts his feet up on the table.]

[Eric walks in]

Eric: Hey, Chase. I’m out of the shower and ready to decide where to order from.

[Eric looks at Chase and Bryan and become shocked.]

Wait, Bryan?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They both stand up.]

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Bryan wasn’t in the living room when I went to take a shower. And now he is? I gotta get to the bottom of this.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Someone wanting to explain to me what’s going on?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. Chase stands.]

Chase: Eric, something happened when you were in the shower.

[Cut to replay of what happened when Eric was not there in black and white.]

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Hold up. Earlier, I talked to Chase about getting dinner. Bryan, now you wanna order food too?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Dude!

[Cut to Bryan]

Bryan: Yeah!

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Is this actually happening right now?

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Welcome to the house.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Wait, wait. I gotta think about this.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan waiting for the answer.]

Bryan, you step forward please.

[Bryan steps forward.]

[Cut to Eric]

I admire you told me the truth. But you said that you wanted to get groceries. And then you changed your mind. Now, I’m not sure I can trust you.

[Cut to Bryan nodding his head.]

Chase, you step forward please.

[Chase steps forward.]

That’s too far. back.

[Chase steps a bit backward.]

To the right a little bit.

[Chase steps right]

[Cut to Eric]

That’s good. Now, you were one of the first people that I decided to order food with, but I’ve questioned your loyalty ever since you cheated on the midnight endurance challenge.

[Cut to midnight endurance challenge. All three of them are standing on logs carrying buckets on the both sides. Chase kicks Eric and Eric falls down.]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Oh, no! Eric fell?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: This is tough.

[Taran walks in. He is wearing a nice suit.]

Taran: Eric. One person has to leave the house tonight. It’s time to make your decision. Who is it going to be?

[suspense music playing]

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: The person who has to leave…

[Cut to Chase and Bryan looking at each other.]

the house tonight… is…

[Cut to Eric]

me. I’m going to grocery store and I’m gonna make dinner for everyone.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan getting angry and vandalizing the house]

Male voice: Coming up on “So you think you can live with Brina?”

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Eric’s dinner sucked so he had one last chance to secure the spot in the hosue.

[Cut to Eric singing]

Eric: Five, six, seven, eight…

[singing] You’re making me believe–

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They are the judges.]

Chase: No.

Bryan: No.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Fu–[bleep]

Avengers News Report

Janet… Cecily Strong

Dani Powel… Bobby Moynihan

Thor… Chirs Hemsworth

Iron Man… Taran Killam

Dr. Bruce Banner… Pete Davidson

Nick Fury… Jay Pharoah

Captain America… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Action News seven intro]

Male voice: This is Action News seven Special Report.

[Cut to Janet in her news set]

Janet: Breaking news. This afternoon as Ultron and his evil army of robots have been defeated. And once again, mankind has the Avengers to thank. We go live to downtown Washington DC where our reporter Dani is on the scene.

[Cut to Dani in in the scene. Thor is taking selfies with the public.]

Dani: Hi Janet, I stand here where just moments ago, the Avengers claimed victory over Ultron’s forces. Joining me if I can get him over here is the mighty Thor. Hey Thor!

[Thor walks in]

Thor: Woohoo!

Dani: Can we talk to you for a second?

Thor: [singing] We are the champions my friend

What’s up?

Dani: Oh, wow. Thor, what a spectacular showing from the Avengers. How are you feeling?

Thor: Oh, man! I am on pure adrenaline right now. I’m at like an 11. I’m cranked up. Whooo!

[Thor kisses Dani on his cheek]

Dani: Oh, my goodness!

Thor: I’m sorry. I totally just kissed your head. That was weird.

Dani: That’s okay. Yo, there was a moment there where it looked like Ultron was definitely going to kill everyone.

Thor: Yeah. I gotta give it up to those robots. They fought hard. But luckily, I’m Thor!

[The public behind him cheer for him.]

Pi-pi-pi-pi. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now.

[Iron Man walks in]

Iron Man: Hey, um, don’t listen to a word this guy says.

Thor: Oh my god! This guy. Love this guy!

Dani: Mr. Stark. Is there anything you’d like to say?

Iron Man: Um, yeah. [Iron Man takes the mic] To the owner of a Blue Honda Accord, your lights are on. Oh, yeah, also there’s a building on it. Relax, that was a joke. Rim shot! Keep up people! Peace in the middle east. I’m going to Disney World.

Dani: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Iron Man passes the mic back to Dani and leaves]

Thor: That guy has a dry sense of humor.

Dani: Oh-oh! And here comes Dr. Bruce Banner, a.k.a., the hulk.

[Dr. Bruce Banner walks in]

Dr. Banner.

Thor: This guy!

Dr. Bruce Banner: What happened?

Thor: You crushed it, man!

Dr. Bruce Banner: I think I ate a guy.

Thor: Yeah, you did. You ate a bunch of guys. You’re nut.

Dr. Bruce Banner: I need to sit down.

Thor: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Dani: Dr. Bruce Banner–

Thor: Ay-Ay- Where is everyone going after this? We’re going out?

[The public cheering for him]

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, it seems like the Avengers are confident there will be no further attacks.

[Cut to Thor is dancing behind him.]

Dani: No, I don’t have official word, Janet. But I would say that sounds very accurate considering Thor is doing the running man. But wait, oh, here’s someone who can give us some answers. Avenger’s leader, Nick Fury.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Mr. Fury.

Nick Fury: What?

Dani: Does Ultron still pose a threat?

Nick Fury: No!

Dani: Great! You heard it here first.

[Thor and Iron Man walk in and pours a bucket of ice and water on Nick Fury]

Nick Fury: I’m freezing!

Thor: Stark’s idea! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Captin America walks in]

Captin America: Hey, may I address your viewers?

Dani: Of course. Janet, I am joined now by Captain America.

Captin America: Citizens, please be aware. The mayor’s order to remain in your home is still in effect. [Thor is mocking Captin America from behind] Many buildings are unstable and several fires are not yet contained. Thank you.

Dani: Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, do you have any new information about the extent of the damage? And when those evacuated might be allowed to return to their home?

[Cut to Dani. Thor is dancing behind.]

Dani: No, but Thor just informed me that the victory party is at the Dave&Busters on 9th street. And there also might be some late night karaoke. Okay, hey Thor. Still going.

[Thor takes the mic from Dani]

Thor: Hey, can I do a shoutout?

Dani: Of course, yeah!

Thor: Shout out to my brother Loki. I mean, I know we had our differences in the past and he tried to take over the world, but I love you man! And um, my ex! My ex, Jane. How do you like me now? Boom! Ha-ha. What else? What else? Check out my podcast on Soundcloud. It’s sick. It’s sick. Oh, and I’m sorry, we just destroyed your city.I love my life. Whooo!

[public cheering for Thor]

[Dani gives his hand for a high-five. Thor gives Dani a high-five, it breaks Dani’s hand.]

Dani: [screaming] Oh, my god!

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Thank you, Dani. Our live coverage continues after this.

[Ends with Action News seven outro]

Mr. Riot Films

Kyle Mooney

Mario… Beck Bennett

[Starts with ‘A MrRiotFilms production’ video bumper.]

[Cut to Kyle and Mario vlogging in their apartment]

Kyle: Wad up, YouTube? As you know, we’ve made a lot of socially conscious videos that have changed the way you look at the world around you.

Mario: Like when we showed you awareness of when we gave a homeless man $100.

[Cut to the video of Kyle and Mario giving a homeless man $100.]

Homeless man: Oh, my god! Thank you very much!

[Kyle and Mario start jumping and hugging]

[Cut to Kyle and Mario in vlogging]

Kyle: But there are other problems in America too. Like, bullying.

Mario: That’s right. Which is why we put a mirror of the society to see how people would react when a bully was put in front of their very eyes.

Kyle: That’s another MrRiotFilms YouTube social experiment. Let’s go!

[Cut to MrRiotFilms video bumper.]

[Cut to Kyle eating his burger in a restaurant. The video is taken from far away outside of the restaurant.]

[Mario walks to Kyle and grabs his burger and eats it.]

Kyle: Hey, what are you doing? That’s my burger.

Mario: It’s mine now. What are you gonna do about it?

Kyle: Give it back to me. You’re acting like a bully.

Mario: I don’t care. Who’s gonna stop me?

Kyle: Give it to me!

[Kyle and Mario turn to people sitting next to them]

Mario: xcuse me, guys. Can I ask you a question? Why didn’t you stop me?

Kyle: He was being a bully to me.

Random person: That’s my bad.

Mario: You could have stopped me. You could have help him get his burger back and have impact to stopping bullying in America today.

[Kyle and Mario shake hands the those people]

Kyle: Alright, thank you. Just keep an eye around.

Random person: Good luck to you guys.

[Cut to Kyle and Mario vlogging]

Mario: Yo, but sometimes the biggest bully in life is the way society treats women.

Kyle: So, we wanted to see if anyone would change a course of history when they are face to face with injustice. Let’s go!

[Cut to MrRiotFilms video bumper.]

[Cut to Kyle and Mario in the shopping mall. Kyle is dressed as a woman but still is speaking like a man.]

Kyle: Hi, I’d like to apply for the new job.

Mario: Yeah, we can maybe give you the job but we’ll pay you less than a man.

Kyle: But that’s not fair. I can do the job just as good as a man. Plus, I got better qualifications.

Mario: No, I don’t care.

Kyle: [calling out a person passing by] Excuse me! Excuse me! Sir! You’re walking away from a woman who is being denied equal pay. Why didn’t you say anything?

Random person: No comment.

Kyle: What’s that sir? Come on y’all.

Mario: Gotta make our voices heard!

Kyle: No comment? And that’s part of the problem, isn’t it?

[Cut to Kyle and Mario vlogging]

Kyle: Every year, millions of children go missing. But if you saw a child who is lost, would you even do something about it? Let’s do this.

[Cut to MrRiotFilms video bumper.]

[Cut to Mario dressed up like a child with a teddy bear and a board that says ‘LOST’]

Mario: [to a random person] Can you help me find my mommy?

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Ayo! Everybody just walking away right now? Well, you all are on your cell phones sipping on your lattes. This kid almost died coz he was lost.

[Mario pretending to be crying]

Mario: Yo, I’m just a scared little kid. Why didn’t y’all try to help me? No, but it’s actually me Mario from MrRiotFilms. And I can’t believe y’all right now.

Kyle: We’re done y’all! We’re done!

Mario: Damn!

Kyle: Be part of the change.

[Cut to Kyle and Mario vlogging]

Mario: But that doesn’t even comparable what we found out in our final experiment. That’s its not just people being bullied.

[Cut to Kyle wearing a dog costume. There’s a bag of dog food and his plate in front of him.]

Kyle: [to random people] Excuse me, feed me. I’m a dog.

[One woman walks to him and pours the dog food into his place]

[Mario comes by running]

Mario: Excuse me! Excuse me, miss. Thank you. Um, you know, we don’t need the dog food but why did you decide to feed this dog?

Random woman: He asked me to.

Kyle: I actually have very awareness to tell you ma’am. I’m not a dog.

Random woman: I know you’re not a dog.

Kyle: Well, we just wanna say congratulations coz you have a social revolutionize. We appreciate it. Thank you, ma’am.

[The woman leaves being confused]

That’s change.

[Kyle and Mario hug each other.]

[Mario comes by running]

Mario: Well, there you have it.

Kyle: Bug up for your video next week. Well, we’re about to do a funny skit where I play Master Chief from Halo and he getting in trouble with his girl.

[Cut to animated game story. The girl and Master Chief are speaking but the voice is of Kyle]

The girl: I saw you with a girl last night.

Master Chief: Maybe I got a twin. Oh, snap!

[Cut to MrRiotFilms video bumper.]

Giuliani Cold Open

Gretchen Carlson… Venessa Bayer

Rudolph Giuliani… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Caroline

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson in her news set]

Gretchen Carlson: Welcome back. I am Gretchen Carlson. [cheers and applause.] Joining us now is former mayor Rudolph Giuliani [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani nodding his head] who got in some hot water last week at a private dinner for governor Scott Walker when he said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the President loves America.”

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Since then Mr. Giuliani has been arguing his point in the Wall Street Journals and many shows just like this one. And he is certainly not backing down [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Are you, Mr. mayor?

Rudolph Giuliani: No, not at all, Gretchen. [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani] I’m sorry, but this president doesn’t have the same love of our great country. Look, I know this is a horrible thing to say but he was brought up different. He’s just not like the rest of us. I mean, is that too much?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: Absolutely not. You warned us that what you were about to say would be horrible, so it’s fine. Let’s take a quick break and we’ll have more with mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Kyle: And we’re clear. Three minute break, guys.

[Kyle and Sasheer walk in the stage.]

Sasheer: That was really great Mr. Giuliani.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani. Sasheer is putting make up on Rudolph Giuliani]

We’re so glad to have you on the shoe.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: How did we end up here? In this dump. You were America’s mayor. Remember?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani]

Rudolph Giuliani: Um, I’m gonna take a walk. Excuse me.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands and walks away]

[Cut to a written video as “GIULIANI or (The unexpected virtue of ignorance)”]

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani at the hallway of the studio]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: I should have done that morning radio show they offered us. “Rise With Rudy.” It would have been 100 times more dignified than this.

[Rudolph Giuliani runs into Bobby]

Bobby: Sir, where are you going?

Rudolph Giuliani: Ah, I just need to take a walk.

Bobby: Okay, well, don’t go too far. We’ve got a very busy day today. You are crushing it, man! At C-PAC you are a rock star. Here, you are talking with Ted Cruz from 1 to 3 and tonight you’re doing a video message and archery demonstration with Ted Nugent. Wang-dang!

Rudolph Giuliani: Ya, ya, ya! That sounds great.

Bobby: Okay.

[Bobby gets on his way and Rudolph Giuliani starts walking in the hallway.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: You once stood at stage of Madison Square Garden with The Hoo and The Stones, man! The 9/11 benefit. Everyone loved you. And now, look at you. Jump in the water for an endless frenzy of cable news.

[Rudolph Giuliani walks in the dressing room. Caroline is there.]

Rudolph Giuliani: Caroline, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs.

Caroline: Are you excited, dad?

Rudolph Giuliani: What?

Caroline: Are you excited that you’re on TV again? You think you’re relevant? You’re not. You were in consulting business. You’re not on twitter. You haven’t been elected to any office in 15 years. No one cares.

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, yeah? Well if no one cares, why is everybody talking about what I said, huh? Whoah!

[Rudolph Giuliani gestures as pulling down the photo frame, and the frame actually drops down from the wall.]

[Rudolph Giuliani fixes his suit] Excuse me!

[Rudolph Giuliani walks out of the dressing room and is walking in the hallway again.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: She has no clue. You were almost president for a few months in 2007. You were front runner. You were one of the greats. You were… a hero.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands still. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought appears behind him with a black mask and black wings. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought is wearing the same suit as Rudolph Giuliani.]

We were strong, beloved and our hair rocked. Let’s go back one more time and show them what we’re capable of. Admit it, you like to see something terrible happen right now so you can save the day.

Rudolph Giuliani: I would not like that.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Come on, don’t be a panty-waste. A minor emergency. No one really gets hurt.

Rudolph Giuliani: No.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Fine! I’ll just pull the fire alarm

Rudolph Giuliani: Do not!

[Kyle walks in and Rudolph Giuliani’s thought leaves]

Kyle: Mr. Giuliani. Where were you? We got five seconds for you. Come on.

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, let’s go.

Kyle: Five, four, three, two and one.

[Cut to The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: We’re back with mayor Rudy Giuliani. [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Mr. Mayor, some are saying you might be promoting yourself at the expense of the republican.

[The alarm goes off]

Oh dear! What is that?

Rudolph Giuliani: [stands up] Fire alarm. Rudolph Giuliani gets a mic-speaker. Everyone remain calm. We’ll get through this together if you’ll listen to me. Save your ‘thank yous’ for later.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani’s thought]

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought: We’re back, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

The Magician’s Heckler

Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a magic show. There are Magician, Kenan and Blake on the stage.]

Magician: No, sir. If you’ll kindly place your card back into the deck just like that. Don’t let me see. Give it a shuffle. And what I want you to do is tap the top card. Sir, is this your card? [Magician shows the card]

Kenan: Oh, my god! That is.

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is laughing but Blake]

Blake: Not real!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: And you, ma’am? Do you still have the card I gave you and have you put in your pocket.

[Aidy looks for a card in her pockets]

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Fake. It’s just a trick.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, it’s not in my pocket.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha! You messed up the trick. I told you it was fake.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Oh, I see. I see. No, it is not in your pocket because it’s now in his.

[Kenan puts his hand in his pocket.]

Kenan: Oh, my! It’s right here.

[Everybody clapping]

That’s amazing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Give a hand to my two volunteers, please. [Kenan and Aidy leave the stage] Now, um, for my next trick–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Sir, can I ask you a question.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Um, I’m kind of in the middle of the show. But sure, what is it?

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: How in the hell did you do that?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Well, a magician never reveals his secrets.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, come on, man! We’re both adults.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Alright, you’re right. I’ll tell you. It was magic.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Real magic?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: That’s right. Now for my next trick, I’m gonna need several–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Make me rich.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: I’m sorry, what?

[Blake walks to the stage]

Oh, um, sir.

Blake: Use your powers and make me rich.

Magician: I can’t do that sir.

Blake: You can’t or you won’t?

Magician: Ha-ha-ha. Sir, if you’ll just have a seat.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Alright, this next trick, I’m gonna need two volunteers. How about you two? Come on, step up here. Sir, please if you’ll just step to the side.

[Beck and Kate walk to the stage to volunteer]

Great! Wow! That is a beautiful watch, my friend.

Beck: Oh, thank you. It’s an anniversary gift.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake ]Okay, now, um, [Magician gets a hat] what I need you to do is go ahead and place the watch inside this hat please.

[Beck puts his watch inside the hat]

Blake: Give me the power to know what women are thinking.

Magician: What? Now, I’m gonna–

Blake: So I can know what to say to them to get their tops off.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Please, sir. Go ahead. Hold this hat for me.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, the funny thing about time ladies and gentlemen, is that it flies.

[Magician mimics as he caught something. The he shows that the watch Beck had put in the hat is now in his wrist.]

[Magician opens the watch and gives it back to Beck]

Blake: Oh, my god! Make me rich, man!

Magician: Oh, come on dude! Now, ma’am, what I want you to do is go ahead and pick a card. [Magician places a deck of card in front of Kate]

Kate: Okay.

Blake: I wanna be able to slam dunk.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah, now I want you to write your address on the back of the card. Do not let me see.

Blake: Give me indestructible bones. Wolverine claws.

Magician: Buddy! Go ahead, place the card back in the deck.

Blake: I wanna be a black guy just for one day.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, you can all see that I am shuffling the cards.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] And, sir, what I want you to do is choose a second card.

Blake: Gun for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, don’t show it to me.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Well, go ahead. Obviously, look at it yourself.

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: And now show everybody else. [Beck is showing the card to the audience except Magician]

Blake: I want chicken nuggets with ranch.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Dude, he’s not a waiter. He’s not gonna get you chicken nuggets.

[Cut to the stage]

Blake: Activate guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah! You know what, guys! Let’s talk about this. Sir, [cut to Magician and Blake] okay, I don’t know what it is exactly you want me to do.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: Alright, I’m not gonna make you rich, okay?

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: Look, sir, I’m just trying to put on a show, make a couple of bucks.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: How are you not getting this? Please, I’m betting you. This is just a show.

Blake: Sir, I’m sorry. You’re right. Please continue.

[Cut to the stage]

Magician: Thank you. Finall, ha-ha-ha. Now, sir, [talking to Beck] have you memorized your card?

Beck: Yes.

Magician: Go ahead and place that card inside the hat.

Blake: Give me the power to go down on myself.

Magician: Alright, you want that? Fine! You have it! You have the power to go down on yourself. Congratulations.

Blake: You will not regret this! Yes! Thank you, sir. Thank you.

[Blake goes to the backstage behind the curtains]

Magician: Um, ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. This has never happened before.

[Blake is making noise behind the curtains]

Blake: Activate going down on myself!

[Blake comes back to the stage]

It didn’t work, man! I did get a little bit closer, but not all the way. Could you just use a little bit more magic? I do believe in magic.

Magician: Alright.
Blake: I do.

Magician: Okay.

Blake: I do believe.

Magician: Magic isn’t real.

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I knew it! He’s a fake! I told you guys. Man, you guys are idiots. Ha-ha. He’s a fake!

[Blake leaves the stage]

Magician: I’m just joking ladies and gentlemen. Magic obviously is [he has a card in his palm. He tries to make it disappear but everybody could see the card thrown back.] very real.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Power to go down on myself!

[cheers and applause]

Patriots Press Conference On Deflated Footballs

Gregg Gumble… Kenan Thompson

Bill Belichick… Beck Bennett

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

Dougie Spoons… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Inside The NFL intro]

Gregg Gumble: Hello, welcome. Welcome to Inside The NFL. I am Gregg Gumble, [pointing at his hair] the human microphone. With just a week to go before Super Bowl 49, the NFL is facing yet another scandal. And this time it actually has something to do with football. The New England Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs during the AFC championship. We now go live to Gillette stadium where Patriots coach Bill Belichick is holding a press conference.

[Cut to Bill Belichick at the podium of press conference.]

Bill Belichick: Good evening. As you can tell, I’m taking this very seriously. That’s why I got dressed up. I came here today to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to do with deflating those footballs and that’s all I have to say at the matter. Period! But I still have several minutes left. So, I’d like to spend the remaining of the press conference throwing my quarterback under the bus.

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant, but I remember, right before kickoff, Tom got this crazy look in his eye and he whispered to me, “I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna do something about those damn footballs.” Also, even though you didn’t ask, I’m just gonna say that I never really trusted the guy. Someone that good looking and rich, I mean, you’ve seen American Psycho.

Anyway, I loved him like a son. Just more of a strange son that I wouldn’t trust around footballs.

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions.]

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

I’m sure you have questions but I’d rather leave those questions to the person who did it, Tom Brady.

[Bill Belichick leaves an Tom Brady walks in.]

Tom Brady: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for being here. I just wanna address the elephant in the room. This is a vintage hat. Pretty cool, right? Alright, laters!

[Tom Brady walks away but Bill Belichick pushes him back to the podium]

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Tom. Hey, Tom. Did you have anything to do with deflating these footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Me? Absolutely not! Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that footballs could be inflated or deflated.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: You weren’t aware of that?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin. So, I just assume that air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: Tom! I think you’re pretending to know a lot less than you actually do.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: [in squeaky voice] Whaaaaat? Look, guys. I’m just a quarterback, alright? Once I take that snap, all I’m thinking about is throwing the bum ass spirals to grunt man! I’m not worried about the air pressure in the ball. That’s nerd stuff. Honestly, that’s above my pay grade.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: You make $26.5 million a year.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Yeah. Well, is that a lot? Guys, I don’t know things. I’m not a banker! I’m not a science computer!

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Did you just say science computer?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Isn’t that what you call it? I don’t know. Also, I just wanna change the sub– I don’t wanna change the subject here but remember how my former team mate Aaron Hernandez allegedly murdered 3 people? I mean, that seems like a huge story, right?

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Well, if you didn’t oversee the footballs, who did?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Okay, and for that I would like to turn it over to the real brains behind our entire operation, Assistant Equipment Co-Manager Dougie Spoons.

[Dougie Spoons walks in clapping]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Yeah! What’s up? Yeah! What’s going on? You guys wanna touch my balls or something? [laughing]

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Um, Dougie, is it?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Dougie Spoons.

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Dougie, did Tom Brady at any point instruct you to take air out of those footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: This man is a saint.

Tom Brady: Ah! Dougie!

Dougie Spoons: What? You think you can do what he does? He has won 3 Super Bowls. Six if you include the losses. This man is a legend, a hero, and one day he is gonna be the father of my child.

Tom Brady: I’m sorry, what?

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Dougie, we just want the truth.

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be inflated by men with pumps. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, reporter? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places, you don’t talk about at Super Bowl parties, you want me on that bowl. You need me on that bowl.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: I did the job I was told to do.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: [yelling] Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: [yelling] You’re damn right I did!

[Tom Brady slides out]

[Cut to the media looking shocked]

[Cut to Gregg Gumble in his news set]

[cheers and applause]

Gregg Gumble: Woah! Wow, that was not what I expected. This is basically the best episode of Inside The NFL ever! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Celebrity Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Adam Levine… Taran Killam

Pharell Williams… Jay Pharoan

Christina Aguilera… Cecily Strong

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

Nicki Minaj… Sasheer Zamata

Harry Connick Jr. … Beck Bennett

Steven Tyler… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the game stage of Family Feud]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud Celebrity Edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? It’s the first suit made by Hennessy. Yeah, they used to make fine cognacs. But thought that they give clothing a try. Yeah, it’s got a little pocket for a little 5 ouncer.

Okay, today we got celebrities from [Cut to the judges of The Voice] The Voice, taking on the team from [Cut to the judges of American Idol] American Idol.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

And leader of The Voice team is metrosexual lumberjack Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now, Blake, America knows you as a coach on The Voice. You ever tried singing yourself?

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Yes, Steve. I’ve sold like, 7 million Amazon on the radio all the time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Not in my neighborhood. Okay, next to Blake from the band Mark Maroon-5 is sexy, smothering, soprano scare crow, Adam Levine.

[Cut to Adam Levine]

Adam Levine: Hey! How you doing, Steve? Hope you check out my new album and my proactive commercial.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I would check out both, but I already went through puberty. And we also got fashion icon, Pharell. You looking good, playa!

[Cut to Pharell Williams]

Pharell Williams: Well, thank you. I got this hat from Smokey the Bear. All of you can prevent force fire, huh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I like you. any man who starts his day dressing from his hat down is okay with me. Then we got pop diva, Christina Alelera.

[Cut to Christina Aguilera]

Christina Aguilera: Hello, Steve. It’s an honor for this proud Latino woman.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Latino? Girl you Latino the same way Tacobell is Mexican food. And here in the American Idol team with a voice from god and hair from Jennifer Aniston, is a country singer, Keith Urban.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Steve, it’s lovely to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute. You’re Australian? Country music is supposed to be about living in the middle of nowhere and drinking beer, and starting fights. Okay, yeah, that’s Australia. And over here with her body turned up to 11, it’s Nicki Minaj.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I’m here to have fun, but I came to win!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Um, excuse me. I think this brass doll is possessed. Over here, he is the number one album seller of all time in Starbucks, it’s Harry Connick Jr.

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Thanks, Steve. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I like your music. Makes me feel like I’m in a white barber shop. And finally, one of the world’s greatest lady rockers, Ms. Stevey Knix.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: Come on, man! I’m Steven Tyler! [shouts somethings]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Steven Tyler? I don’t know, player! You look like a dream catcher came to life. Either way, let’s get two players up here.

[Cut to everybody. Blake Shelton and Keith Urban are walking to the buzzers.]

Keith Urban and Blake, look at this. You look like him if he ate one of those Super Mario Brother mushrooms. Blagaga-blgaga-blagaga. Now, how long has American Idol been on?

Keith Urban: About 12 years.

Steve Harvey: And what about The Voice?

Blake Shelton: 4 years, but we’re on our 17th season.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, NBC does run hell lot of that show. I see y’all on TV more than that Mutant-X Boogerman. Hilarious.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Okay, top 5 answers on the board. We asked 100 people. Name something you never ask a woman.

[Blake Shelton presses the buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: What did I do, Maranda?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Trouble just follows you, don’t it? Show me, ‘What did I do wrong?’

[Cut to the show screen. There is ‘What did I do wrong’ in the answers.]

Wow! [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] Man, I can’t believe that’s up there.

Blake Shelton: Well, I say it a lot.

Steve Harvey: Keith Uban?

Keith Urban: Alright.

Steve Harvey: Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Well, something I say all the time is, “Who did your highlights?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Yeah! Yeah, I once got my mustache highlighted. [Cut to Steve Harvey] I looked like a black Captain Crunch.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Let’s see, ‘How did you get the lady hair?’

[Cut to the show board. There is ‘Do you dye your hair?’ in the answers.]

Close enough. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] American Idol, you got the point.

Keith Urban: Alright!

[Steve Harvey and Keith Urban walk to American Idol side.]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I get this all the time. I’m gonna say, “Is it real?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Don’t matter. Real or not, I’m smacking it. Show me, ‘Is it real?’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not on there.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Harry Connick Jr., what do you never ask a woman?

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Steve, there’s nothing that makes a lady hit the road faster that looking her in the eye and say, “Well, you know I’m not Michael Bublé, right?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: I hear you, player. I dated a woman for three years who thought that I was Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. Show me, ‘not who she thought I was.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.] Okay, last chance. Steven Tyler, something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: I’ll tell you what, baby. If you’re talking to a woman, never bring up age.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Her age?

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: No, my age. [screams]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I see that. Show me, ‘too old to get figure.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ah, no!

[Steve Harvey walks to The Voice team]

Okay, The Voice team. You got a chance to steal.

[Cut to The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Who is prettier? You or me?

Pharell Williams: Wanna meet Robin Thicke?

Christina Aguilera: Why do you sound like Ooh-Ooh-Yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Blake, tell me something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Well, one question I see ladies get asked all the time and they really hate it is, ‘Are you Adam Levine?’

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, very good. You got me, Blake.

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Adam Levine]

Blake Shelton: Yeah, I did, pretty boy.

Adam Levine: Pretty? You really think I’m pretty?

Steve Harvey: What’s happening?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: Okay, here we go.

Adam Levine: Really?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Adam Levine: I think you’re very handsome.

[Blake Shelton and Adam Levine go below the table]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, wow! This is happening. That’s happening right now. This has been in the works for about three years. You know what? I’ma let these two work this out while I take a little bit of ‘me time’. [showing the bottle of Hennessy he had in his suit pocket.] Hennessy soup, y’all.

[cheers and applause]

Funk by James Brown

James Brown… Kevin Hart

Dave… Kenan Thompson

Steve… Taran Killam

Robbie… Bobby Moynihan

Ricki… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Samantha… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a band on a stage in 1971]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah, I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: One, two, three, four.

[band starts playing music.]

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Hey, now wait a minute. Should we get all funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Ay! Ah! I said, should we get more funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Now, before we get funky, I need to hear from each person individual.

Dave: Why?

James Brown: Well, I just wanna make sure I’m making the right decision, you know. Hey! Should we get more funky, Steve?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Steve: Yes!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah! Okay, that’s one. What about you, Robbie?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Robbie: Yeah!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Ha-ha-ha, fantastic. We’re halfway to funk-town people. Ay! Ricki, should we get more funky?

[Cut to Ricki is nodding his head yes.]

[Cut to James Brown]

That’s not good enough, Ricki. I need a verbal commitment.

[Cut to Ricki]

Ricki: Okay, yes.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Thank you. Ay, Dave, should we get more funky?

Dave: I don’t know.

James Brown: You don’t know? What don’t you know, Dave?

Dave: I don’t know if I wanna get more funky than this.

[Cut to Kyle playing bass guitar]

Kyle: Yeah, I think we’re pretty good. We’re at funk-wise.

[Cut to Robbie.]

Robbie: Yeah, man. I mean, this is fun right now.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave. Jay is playing drums at the back.]
James Brown: Okay, so wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. So, y’all don’t want to get more funky?

Dave: I mean, should we get more funky?

James Brown: Wait, what are you doing? I ask the questions.

Jay: Ay, I got a question

James Brown: Wait, what did I just say?

Jay: Hey, how come you’re the only one that get a cape?

Dave: Yeah, why don’t we all get capes?

James Brown: Coz if we all get capes, who’s gonna bring out the cape?

Dave: Maybe Samantha can bring out the capes.

James Brown: What? Samantha! You wanna bring out the capes?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha rocking her body to the music.]

Samantha: I’m not bringing out no damn capes.

[Cut to James Brown, Dave and Jay]

James Brown: Well, that settles cap thing. Hey!

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Ay! Now, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: I said, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: Steve, bridge?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No!

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Wait, just a flat no? Okay, I just heard you said ‘yeah’ with everybody else. What about you? Ay! Lauren, should we take it to the bridge?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: It’s Lorraine.

James Brown: Lorraine? Since when?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: Tuesday. I got married. [showing her ring]

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: You got married and you changed your first name? Hey! Hey, well, you know what? I don’t want to take it to the bridge no more.

Band: What?

James Brown: Yeah, I don’t wanna. This song says three words for about 20 minutes. You know what? I’m hungry. You guys hungry?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Should we get the chicken prawn?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hah! So that’s 10 chicken prawn.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Lorraine, you want the chicken prawn?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: With mustard.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: With mustard? Who wants mustard on a chicken prawn?

Dave: I do.

James Brown: Okay, fine. So, that’s 10 chicken prawns with mustard.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hey, now can I hit it to quit it?

Dave: I don’t know, James. Can you?

James Brown: May I, okay. May I hit it to quit it.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Wait, so if I stop singing, you all gonna stop playing?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Coz I don’t wanna stop singing, then you all keep playing. Then one thinks I made a mistake.

Dave: That’s not gonna happen dude.

James Brown: Okay, hit me!

[the band stops playing]

[still singing] stay on the scene…

Dammit! I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry. That’s my bad. Chicken prawn.

Chocolate Droppa’s Listening Party

Chocolate Droppa… Kevin Hart

Harry… Pete Davidson

Roy…Jay Pharoah

Caren… Leslie Jones

Mark… Bobby Moynihan

Carl… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Chocolate Droppa with his friends in the studio]

Chocolate Droppa: Yo! I just want to thank you all for coming to my listening party, man! It means a lot to me, you know that? Finally finished my first album. I’ma be honest man, I couldn’t have done it without my crew.

Harry: Yo, we love you Jamiel!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: No, no, no! Yo, yo, yo, yo! Drop the Jamiel stuff, y’all. It’s Chocolate Droppa now, man! That’s my name. I came up with it yesterday. Y’all like it?

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ha-ha-ha. Sort of.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Well, listen. Before I play this song, man, I just really want y’all to know that you guys, was the inspiration for this track. You know what I’m sayin? You’re my crew. I got you back, man!

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ah, man! Respect, dawg!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Look, I got the hook already but I really ain’t laid down vocals yet. So, what I’ma do is, I’ma sing the song live for y’all man.

[Chocolate Droppa’s friends clap for him]

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Caren: Alright. Let’s hear that thang!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Ay, look. Buckle up. Let me tell you something. Droppa’s about to spit it, you hear me? Alright, ay! [Cut to everybody] I’ma about to set it all for you, alright? [Chocolate Droppa plays the beat]

[rapping] Here I go, all day, let’s get ready, let’s go
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew pop-pop gunshot sounds

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Yo! That hook is super hard bro!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! It ain’t even started yet! Watch, yo!

here it go
I’m tight with my crew
we tell each other everything
I know all their secrets
so here’s a song about their secrets

[Cut to Harry looking confused]

Harry: Wait, what?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Uh!
first up, let me tell you about my boy Mark

[Cut to Mark looking confused]

Mark: Maybe don’t!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Uh! Uh! Yo! Yo!
Mark ain’t paid his taxes in ten years
owe the government about thirty thou
pow-pow
if convicted he could do up to ten
in the pen pow-pow-pow

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Come on, man!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Let’s go!
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew gunshot sounds
Yo! Next up is Carl. Here we go. Let’s go, uh!
Carl got the herps the lip kind
he tried to cover it with lipstick
but we all know it’s there Carl

[Cut to Carl covering his mouth.]

Carl: I din’t know what he’s talking about.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa:

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
yeah! uh! Harry! Harry!
Here it come! Harry, here it come!
Harry is a Muslim but he eat pork

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: That’s not true.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah, yeah, yeah
he popped gummy bears all day all day
gummy bears have gelatin
and gelatin come from pig
that’s pork! you didn’t know that, did you?
dumb bitch!

[cut to Harry. He spits the gummy bears out.]

Harry: Why didn’t anybody tell me?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Gun shots, what? Gun shots, what? Uh!

[music stops]

[cut to everybody]

Yo! Yeah! Yeah! Yo, y’all thought I was finished, didn’t y’all?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Nope!

[music playing]

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
Yo! Saving the best for last
Caren- Caren- Caren- Caren
Caren and Roy accidentally killed Steve
they think nobody know, I know
they don’t wanna get in trouble
now, it’s a “Weekend at Bernie’s(1989)”

[Cut to Royand Caren. Steve is sitting on sofa in front of them wearing sunglasses.]

Roy: Come on, man! [Royand Caren are holding Steve’s hands and waving them.] He good! He good! Man, look at him.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Pop-pop, pop-pop!

Yo! I love my friends, man! I love y’all. So, what did y’all think? It’s fire, right?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa’s friends. The’re pointing guns at Chocolate Droppa.]

Wait a minute. Hold on now. Wait, what’s going on? Wait, what part of the song made y’all mad?

[gun shot sounds]

[cheers and applause]

Office Christmas Party (Amy Adams)

Shy Girl, Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Jay Pharoah

Kevin… Beck Bennett

Randy… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with people in a party at office.]

Kathy: Ah! The party is terrible.

Carol: That’s the worst. [Cut to Tom dancing and using his laptop] Tom keeps playing Ghost Busters. [Cut to Jerry, Kathy and Carol] Why would he do that at a holiday party?

Jerry: You know what my Christmas wish is? This party was banging.

[Cut to Pete and Jay walking in from the door. They’re dressed for the party. There’s smoke as in the room as they enter.]

Jay: Did somebody make a wish?

[Cut to everybody]

Jerry: Um, I did.

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Pete: Well, it’s about to come true.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: What are you guys? Angels or something?

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Jay: It doesn’t matter.

Pete: Let’s turn this bitch up.

[Hiphop beat drops and the music video begins.]

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party

[The people in the office are drinking shots.]

Office Christmas Party
Shy girl from payroll sort of dancing
Office Christmas Party
Jerry and Kathy are hitting it off
Office Christmas Party
Dave did impression of an IT guy and crushed it
Office Christmas Party

Crazy seeing the cleaning lady not in the uniform
Office Christmas Party
Kevin still trying to finish some work
Office Christmas Party
Randy made a slideshow but can’t work the projector
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media is way too drunk
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media just jumped into the Christmas tree
Office Christmas Party
Someone control Carol from new media
This is getting out of hand
we love that people are having fun
but do us a favor and just be safe guys
Oh, snap! The boss is making it rain gift cards

[music stops]

[Cut to Shy Girl singing Christmas song]

Shy Girl: We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I’m Becky and I am from payroll. Out!

[Shy girl drops the mic and starts the rapping]

Now let’s get crazy

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Oh, snap!

[All the employees are partying]

Why is there a goat here?
Office Christmas Party

Jay: What?

Pete and Jay: Peace!