Tag: Cecily Strong

Right Side Of the Bed With Matthew McConaughey

Cory Chisholm… Taran Killam

Gracelynn Chisholm… Cecily Strong

Buster Little… Matthew McConaughey

Sheila Lay… Aidy Bryant

Ed Sheeran… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV ATLANTA video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching WSB/TV ATLANTA. Up next, it’s Right Side Of the Bed.

[Cut to Right Side Of the Bed video bumper]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn on a sofa in their set]

Cory: Good great November morning, you guys!

Gracelynn: You’re watching Right Side Of The Bed. I’m Gracelynn Chisholm and I’m here with my husband Cory Chisholm, better known in the Chisholm house as the lip gloss thief.

Cory: Oh! I needed it because I could kiss all over my wife’s beautiful lips.

[Cory jumps on Gracelynn to kiss her]

Gracelynn: Cory! Get off!

Cory: I just can’t help it. Can’t help myself. I just wanna throw you down on pile of leaves and go insane on your body.

Gracelynn: Cory!

Cory: Give me.

Gracelynn: We got a show to do. It’s 9:CoryEd Sheeran am. It’s in the morning. You already looking like a cartoon pork chop.

Cory: Um… you just make me so hot, I can’t focus on my job.

Gracelynn: Okay, enough! It’s our special thanksgiving episode and we have a great guest coming up a little bit later. From Buster’s By You Buffet, it’s chef, hunter and butcher, Buster Little.

[Cut to Buster waving his hand]

Cory: Oh there he is. Oh, my now there he is.

Buster: [mumbling] I got something in my tongue. Excuse me. I say hello there. Buster Little’s here. If you need a turkey killed, cut, cooked, you know who to call. And by call, I mean like this. Coo-coo-cock-cock coo-coo-doo-doo-cock! Yeah!

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn]

Gracelynn: Okay, well that was something. We’ll be back with Buster later in the show. And I’m excited to taste that turkey.

Cory: Ah! Me too. I am gonna stuff myself this thanksgiving coz I’ve been so good on my diet.

Gracelynn: Diet? Oh please, Cory! You ate a tray of brownies in your bubble bath last night!

Cory: Dirty liar! If that’s so, how do I keep this body so ady-yady!

Gracelynn: It’s called the Kardashian waist trainer girdle and you wear it everyday.

Cory: [squeaky voice] What? Ah-ah! It’s not a girdle. It is a boydle, y’all! [showing his girdle]

Gracelynn: Okay, alright. If you’re joining us, we got a great show. Up later is Buster Little who’s talking everything turkey.

Cory: Oh, looks like he’s already got his fist in it there.

[Cut to Buster with his hand shoved inside the turkey]

Buster: Ho-ho, yeah! Hey there. Buster Little is here. Don’t you go getting scared y’all. I’m just spreading a little butter around the inside of this turkey. Even then, I’m about to do a puppet show. Check it out.

[Buster raises his hand with the turkey like a puppet]

Hey turkey!

Turkey: Yo, what’s up Buster?

Buster: You got a good joke for our pop you loving?

Turkey: Right, you know I do. What was a turkey for Halloween?

Buster: Well I don’t know. What was it?

Turkey: A goblin.

Buster: Ha-ha! Wait a minute, I don’t get it.

Turkey: Well, what’s not to get?

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn]

Gracelynn: Okay, I think this beard may have eaten his brain.

Cory: Um-hmm.

Gracelynn: Either that or he has spent too much time in the backwoods.

Cory: Yeah, well I’ve been trying to spend some time in your backwoods but there’s to much brush blocking the way.

Gracelynn: Cory! Cory Chisholm, what is shooting around the head of yours?

Cory: Hey! I’m just like every other football watching, beer drinking, pizza eating man in America. All I care about is getting some tail.

[Cory trying to kiss Gracelynn]

Gracelynn: Oh! Good lord! Let’s check back with our guest please!

Cory: Um-hmm.

Gracelynn: Oh, my gosh! His oven is smoking.

[Cut to Buster still with his hand inside the turkey. He looks drunk now.]

Buster: Hey, I don’t feel so good. My turkey friend here, he don’t feel so good either.

Turkey: Yeah, the room is spinning.

Buster: You alright?

Turkey: No!

[She slams his hand with the turkey on the table]

Buster: A turkey fainted! You better call 911.

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn]

Gracelynn: Oh! You know what? Sheila Lay, did you clean that oven today?

[Cut to Sheila Lay]

Sheila Lay: I sure did. With three cans of Easyoff. That’s more than nine times than what they say to you, so you’re welcome!

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn]

Cory: Oh my goodness. Sheila Lay.

Gracelynn: That’s why he’s talking so crazy. He’s tripping all over cleaner.

[You can see Buster sneaking in behind the sofa Cory and Gracelynn is sitting on.]

Cory: Anyway…

[Buster scares Cory and Gracelynn, still with a turkey on his hand.]

Buster: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Cory: Oh my god. You just scared a tiny fart right out of me.

[Buster’s turkey now has a mouth, nose, eyebrows, mustache and glasses]

Buster: Look at him. I got my turkey friend all dressed up for church.

Gracelynn: Oh lord! Our next guest is supposed to be Ed Sheeran but I don’t know if it’s safe for himto come out.

[Cut to Ed Sheeran with his guitar]

Ed Sheeran: Uh-uh! It just– It smells like petrol or something.

[singing] Honey I will be loving you

[Ed Sheeran faints because of the smoke]

[Cut to Cory, Gracelynn and Buster]

Cory: Oh my! That poor ginger fell damn so hard!

Gracelynn: We gotta get out of this studio and air it out.

Cory: Yeah, I tell her to air it out every night.

Gracelynn: Cory!

Cory: What? Krrrr!

Buster: Hey, you two a real couple?

Cory: What?

Gracelynn: What?

[The End]

A Thanksgiving Miracle

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Cathy… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Jamal… Jay Pharoah

Grandpa… Matthew McConaughey

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a family having dinner]

Beck: Alright guys, happy thanksgiving everyone.

[everyone wishes each other]

I am so thankful to have you all here today.

Vanessa: I am thankful that I only burned the turkey a little bit.

[everyone laughs]

Cathy: You know, I am thankful that our governor is not gonna let those refugees in here.

Cecily: Oh my god!

[Cut to a video that says “Thanksgiving with family can be hard.”]

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: You know, I heard the refugees are all ISIS in disguise.

[Cecily shaking her head]

Cathy: Oh yeah, that’s true. [Cut to Cathy] I actually saw an ISIS in the A&P today when I was picking up the yam.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: No, you didn’t aunt Cathy. That was an Asian woman.

[Cut to a video that says “Everyone has different opinions and beliefs.”]

[Cut to everybody]

Cathy: You know what? [pointing at Jamal. Jamal is the only black person at the table] I have a question for you. Why is it that your friends keep antagonizing the police?

[Jamal is offended]

Cecily: Why would you ask my boyfriend that?

Cathy: Well I’m just trying to get to know Jamal.

[Cut to a video that says “But there’s one thing that unites us all…”]

[Cut to everybody arguing with each other. The little girl sitting by Cathy gets up and plays Adele’s ‘Hello’ on the music player.]

[Everyone suddenly stops talking]

[Cut to Cathy lipsyncing to the song]

Cathy: Hello, it’s me.

[Cut to Vanessa lipsyncing to the song]

Vanessa: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

[Cut to Beck lipsyncing to the song]

Beck: To go over everything.

[Cut to Cathy and Jamal holding hands and lipsyincing to the song]

Jamal: They say that time’s supposed to heal you but I ain’t done much healing.

[doorbell rings]

Vanessa: Oh, your grandparents are here.

[Cut to the grandparents walking in]

Beck: How was the flight?

Grandpa: It was good. Good.

Grandma: I saw two transgender at the airport. They sure look all pretty.

Grandpa: Very interesting trend.

[Cut to Cecily and Jamal]

Cecily: Oh, my god!

Jamal: Transgender is not a trend Mr. Paul.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: There weren’t any around when I was younger.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, they were there but they couldn’t say anything so they lived sad lives and died.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No talking about…

[everyone starts arguing again]

[Cut to the little girl who plays the song again]

[The video changes to black and white. Everyone stands up lipsyncing to the song.]

All: Hello from the other side

[They have the wind blowing on them effect going on]

I must have called a thousand times

[Beck has his nails done like Adele in her video]

To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
When I called you never seemed to be home

[The burnt turkey turns into a well cooked turkey]

Hello from the other–

[The oven’s timer beeps]

Vanessa: Oh, the pies are ready.

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy: And I am ready to vote for Ben Carson.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You are such a–

[Cut to Vanessa walking to bring the pie but she slips and presses the button to play the song]

[Cut to the family lipsyincing to the song. The video changes to black and white again.]

All: Hello from the other side

[Everyone is wearing a coat like Adele in her video now]

At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart

[Now even men have long blonde hair like Adele]

but it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart

[Now everyone is at Adele’s ‘Hello’ shooting venue with a pond and flying autumn leaves.]

Anymore
anymore
anymore

[Cut to everybody. Little girl is also sitting at the table.]

Vanessa: Dig in, everyone.

[Little girl turns towards the camera]

Little girl: Thanks Adele.

[The End]

3D Printed Man

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

Matthew McConaughey

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

[Cut to Cecily with her product presentation]

Cecily: Bio Print 3D printers are in the half the hospitals in the country. Our technology has created new ears, skin graphs and even artificial limbs. But our mission is to keep innovating. And today, we prove why we remain on the fore front of the 3D printing revolution. Because Bio Print is now the first company to 3D print an entire human man.

[applause]

How realistic is this man? Well, why don’t you be the judge.

[The curtains open. there are three men sitting on the stage.]

I’d like to introduce three men to you. Two are humans, but one of them was printed with a Bio Print 3D printer. Can you tell who?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hello. Am I the 3D printed man?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Hi there. Am I the 3D printed man?

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Hi today. Am I the 3D printed man today?

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Clearly our 3D printed man is physically identical to a regular man. But can we 3D print human personality and emotion? Well you tell us. I invited anyone to ask our panel a question.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Well, hello to all three of you. Humans all enjoy eating. What’s your favorite food?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I know it’s not the healthiest choice but my weakness is buffalo wings.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Uh, as for me, I gotta say a good steak. Medium rare.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know I’ve gotta say every single one of the bananas.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Hm, yum. More questions?

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: Hello. I wanted to say to the one on the right. You’re different but you’re kind of cute.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: I could say the same about you. Ha-ha.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. My question is for all of you. What’s your favorite movie?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, well I have a daughter. So, I’ll go with the Little Mermaid. It was the first movie we saw together.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well I’m a scifi geek, so I gotta say Star Wars.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know I’ve gotta say Fight House.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah, I’ve never heard of Fight House.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: I could say the same about you. Ha-ha.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Okay. Yes, sir.

[Cut to Jon in the audience]

Jon: Hi there. Keeping our mind occupied is one thing that makes us human. What are you hobbies?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, I fish, I’m learning to cook.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know, I’m gonna have to say I’m playing all the sports and using pens. That’s cool and smooth like a real sunglasses guy.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Very, very funny, Bruce. Who else?

[Cut to Sasheer in the audience]

Sasheer: Can I ask what you do for a living?

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Get out of here in your town with that question. You’re making a sunglasses guy like me laugh hard from my face. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh yeah.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, I’m a contractor for a petroleum company.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: I’m in sales.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, I sell all the t-shirts. I also like milk.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Now I can tell most of you are still stumped. So let’s add a new wrinkle. Movement. Gentlemen, I’d like you all to go for a walk.

[Beck stands and walks around casually.]

Good.

[Taran stands and walks around casually.]

Okay, very nice.

[Bruce stands and walks around. He is walking around like a robot.]

Love that strud. Yes. Love that strud. Anybody up for some dancing?

[Cut to Beck and Taran. They stand and dance casually.]

Um, very nice. Looks like we got some real dancers here.

[Cut to Bruce. He is dancing wildly jumping around]

Bruce: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Bruce, stop. Stop, Bruce.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Is the 3D printed man Bruce?

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Wow. Yes. Incredible job. Now, if you want to come up here and meet Bruce, you all have about three minutes before he catches fire.

Bruce: Feeling hot.

[Bruce starts jumping around again]

Feeling hot. Feeling hot.

[The End]

Talking About Ghetto

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Megan… Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four ladies eating in a restaurant]

Cecily: I like the food here but the bathroom is ghetto as hell.

Sasheer: So ghetto.

Megan: Oh, my god. Yes.

Cecily: Like they sell those like, double faucet sink.
Vanessa: I know. I hate that. Like, what year is it? Please get it together.

Sasheer: Yeah. Speaking of ghetto, I took an Uber X here and for the first time my driver picked me up in a busted ass Toyota. And literally, his wife was in the front seat.

Megan: Whoa! That is so ghetto.

Sasheer: It was the worst.

Vanessa: Oh, my god. I would have just walked.

Cecily: Megan, how’s your living situation?

Megan: Oh, so ghetto. I’m still living with that poor family in low income government housing. And my roommate, Mr. Odis lost his job at the car wash again. So he doesn’t have his part of the rent for like, the millionth time. And now he’s back to selling pot again. So our apartment’s like, always filled with randoms.

Sasheer: You mean, literally in the ghetto?

Vanessa: Um, sounds really awful.

Cecily: Yeah, I’m sorry.

Megan: And the landlord was like, banging on our door all frigging night because he needs the rent money ‘right now’. For god knows what. And I’m like, “What the hell? Who needs $285 at 3 am. So ghetto.

Vanessa: So, yesterday I ran out of Sriracha and had to put Texas Pete in my Pad Thai.

Sasheer: [laughing] So ghetto.

Cecily: I had to eat sushi with a fork coz the delivery guy forgot to bring me chopsticks.

Megan: [laughing] The elevator in my building was broken again. So, I had to walk up like, 17 floors upstairs. Even though ones they go outside. And there was just like, some baby standing in the staircase. And he is literally wearing a pamper. Nothing else. I mean, how ghetto is that?

Vanessa: [nodding head] Um, very.

Sasheer: Was the baby okay?

Cecily: Did you call the cops?

Megan: Oh, as if. I freaking took out my phone to dial 911 and the baby literally said to me, “Snitches get stitches, bitch.” And I’m like, “Um, OMG. You’re literally three years old right now. What are you even saying?” And then he asked me if I was in Instagram coz apparently I have a fatty for a white girl.

Vanessa: Um, that’s actually the most ghetto thing I’ve ever heard.

Sasheer: Ya, why do you live there? Aren’t your parents loaded?

Megan: I mean, barely.

Cecily: Um, so, I went out for drinks with this guy and he literally asked me to split the bill.

Sasheer: Ew! That’s so ghetto.

Vanessa: I can’t even imagine. Guys are like, so cheap.

Megan: Ah! I asked to J’Marcus for a drink. He took me to a bodega. He bought me a gallon of fruit punch for $1.09 and then was so pissed that they raised the price 10 cents.

Cecily: Who is J’Marcus?

Megan: Oh, you know those nine guys that are always standing in front of my building?

Vanessa: Um, the guys that are always in winter coat even in the summer time?

Megan: Yes. But the one that’s always shirtless holding a pitbull leash but no pitbull on it.

Cecily: Okay.

Sasheer: Ya. I mean, he makes me so mad. One time I asked him to buy me cigarettes and he literally just bought me two. Two loose cigarettes. They weren’t even the same brand. It’s so ghetto.

Sasheer: Megan, you gotta get out of that neighborhood.

Cecily: Seriously, why are you there?

Megan: Coz, it’s only eleven bucks from the train. I’m in the city under two hours. And they have the best tacos.

Vanessa: Oh, I friggin love tacos.

Cecily: Right. I’ll basically eat anything from a truck.

[Jay walks in. He walks in with a shopping cart. He looks homeless.]

Jay: Ay! Is one of y’all name Megan?

Megan: Okay, that’s my Uber cart. So, see you gals.

[Megan gets on the cart]

Jay: So, you want some gum?

[Cecily, Sasheer and Vanessa are waving bye to Megan]

Cecily: That crackhead’s cart is so ghetto.

Vanessa: Um, let’s stop saying that forever.

Cecily and Sasheer: Yeah.

[The End]

Horny Song

Elizabeth Banks

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

[Starts with five women’s music video intro. They’re all wearing white outfits.]

Elizabeth: Hey, boys. We love all of you. But this song is for a few special men.

Kate: The ones who ignited our flames.

Vanessa: Who opened our eyes.

Aidy: And who first taught us how to be truly horny.

Cecily: [singing] I was in seventh grade, watching Tiara
when I had a feeling I had never felt
It was Carson Daily in normal jeans
and the blackest nails I had ever seen
I got up on the couch
and I knocked my first one out

Kate: 1996, I first heard about
started getting sweaty in my thermal top
Dala Hanslin’s lips and his long blonde hair
the most gorgeous woman anywhere
and that’s how I could tell
that I was gay as hell

All: You let the spark inside of me
you let my teeny tiny boobies free
yeah, we never met and we never will
but I thank you still coz I first got horny to you

Elizabeth: My guy was hot as hell, a real authority
it was Mr. Sheful from the Nanny
he was so refined, it made me insane
but I still don’t know that actor’s name
I look him up on my phone
just a second we’re alone

[music stops. Elizabeth is looking for him on her phone and all the other girls are watching.]

Charles Johnassy

Girls: Oh! Hmm…

[music begins]

Vanessa: Okay now, it’s me, mine is pretty bad
its those guys who kill their mom and dad
and the Mendez brothers, they were cute and young
I think Eric was the hotter one

Elizabeth: Vanessa, this is on TV

Vanessa: Oh right! Then I’ll say JTT.

All: You let the spark inside of me
you were my porn in 1993
and I never saw you without a shirt
but it still works, coz I first got horny to you

Aidy: I came alive back in 94, I felt for a carnivore
that’s right, the hunting son from dinosaur
I would sit on my hands and scoop
to a man in a lizard suit

All: You let the spark inside of me
other time just for me
I was on pillow put it down
and just go to tell when I first got horny to you

Kate: So horny, yeah!

All: When I first got horny to you
coz I first got horny to you

[Cut to the dinosaur opening his dinosaur mask in front of Aidy. He is so old that Aidy starts screaming out of fear.]

[The End]

White House 2018

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

General… Kenan Thompson

Secretary… Sasheer Zamata

Jimmy… Kyle Mooney

Jon Rudnitsky

Ivanka Trump

Enrique… Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

[Starts with White House in 2018.]

Bobby: Well, Mr. President, you did it.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the oval office]

Donald Trump: Just like I promised, right?

[Cut to Donald Trump and the others]

Bobby: Half way through into your first term and prosperity is at all time high. [Cut to Bobby] In two years, you really made American great again.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: See? I told you. It is more than just words and the silly hat.

Donald Trump: First lady Melania is hundred% correct.

Melania Trump: Aw!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I gotta admit, you know, I didn’t think it could happen this fast. Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrific. Just terrific. General, how are we dong in Syria?

[Cut to General]

General: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace. All the refugees have returned and they have great jobs as blackjack dealers in the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So, everyone’s happy?

[Cut to General]

General: They’re so happy, Mr. President.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

[Cut to Secretary]

Secretary: Never better. After your face to face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not wanna be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’m sorry. I just had to do that. Keep up the good work, you’re doing fantastic. Jimmy, how is the economy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Amazing, sir. Um, in the words of our new national anthem, it’s huge! After your tough negotiations with China, you are killing them on trade. They’re not borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? I don’t have to get specific. With me, it’s just works, you know? It’s magic. It’s just magic. It’s always been that way my whole life. So, let’s just see what happens over here but I wasn’t sure what’s it all like.

Melania Trump: Yes, you know, it’s hard to be president because the White House, it’s the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived. You konw?

Donald Trump: True.

Melania Trump: But we made it work.

[Cut to Jon on the door]

Jon: Mr. President. Your daughter, the secretary of interior is here.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Perfect timing Ivanka. [Ivanka walks in] How is the White House has everything going and how are the renovations doing?

Ivanka: Actually, not surprisingly, we are ahead of schedule and under budget. The private swimming pool in Cabanas are already completed. And now if you’ll excuse me, today we are covering the Washington monument in gold mirrored glass.

Donald Trump: Wow. [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump] That’s gonna look so elegant.

Melania Trump: Oh, like beautiful hotel.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: Mr. President, the President of Mexico is here to see you.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Send him in.

[Enrique walks in]

Oh!

Enrique: Donald!

Donald Trump: Enrique.

Enrique: I brought you the check for the wall.

[Donald Trump and Enrique hug out]

Donald Trump: Go on. It’s so wonderful.

[Donald Trump looks at the check]

This is far too much money. I don’t know–

Enrique: No, I insist! Consider it as an apology for doubting you. As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall.

Donald Trump: Well, I told you and it’s– I’m so proud of you. And changing Telemundo to all English for me, you changed that to all English, it’s a great thing.

Enrique: Of course.

Donald Trump: I am so proud of you.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Mr. President, I am so sorry to interrupt but we have got a big problem.

Donald Trump: What is it?

Taran: It’s the American people, sir.

Donald Trump: What?

Taran: They’re just sick of winning. They’re winning so much. It’s just too great, sir.

Donald Trump: Look, I know how they feel. It’s exhausting. But that’s what really– I mean that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough, it’s not that easy. If you think that’s how it’s going to be when I’m president, you’re wrong.

[Donald Trump walks to the camera and everyone else is blacked out.]

It’s going to be even better. I said to the writers of this sketch, “Keep it modest, okay?” It’s better to start with low expectations. That way you have no where to go but up.

[Melania Trump walks to Donald Trump]

Melania Trump: So, this election season, before you vote, dream. Dream of Melania for first lady.

Donald Trump: Wouldn’t she be a great first lady?

Male voice: This message paid for by The Melania for First Lady foundation. A Trump Organization Company.

Trump’s Tweets

Donald Trump

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Donald Trump sitting on a couch]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. I hate to break it to you guys but I’m not going to be on the next sketch. It was too busy and I was too busy and I just didn’t want to rehearse. You know what? It’s still going to going to be great. And since I can’t do it and be in it, I’ll do the next best thing, I’ll live tweet it. Sit back, relax, enjoy the sketch and enjoy my tweets.

[Cut to Cecily and Taran at a restaurant]

Taran: Ah! I have got to say there is nothing more romantic than celebrating our honeymoon here in Italy.

Cecily: Aw, I’m so sad this is our last night in Rome.

Taran: I know. Tomorrow, it’s back to Cleveland.

Donald Trump’s tweet: This sketch is not funn. @TaranKillam is a dumb loser.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Cecily: Ha-ha. I’m so excited for dinner. You know, the guide book says this is the most romantic restaurant in the city.

Taran: Ooh!

Cecily: Yeah.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Cecily Strong is not a nice person.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Taran: Ah! Well, the menu says that the place is family run and the couple who owns it has been married for fourty years.

Cecily: Aw, that’s so sweet. I think that will be us one day.

Taran: Oh, it better be.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Yeah right. Who would marry @TaranKillam? He’s an over-rated clown.

[audience laughing]

Taran: Why are people laughing?

Cecily: Is he tweeting bad stuffs about us?

Taran: I don’t know. I can’t see.

Cecily: Okay.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Welcome to Amore, the most romantic restaurant in all of italy.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Kate McKinnon was born stupid.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Okay. So, I am Carmela. And back in the kitchen is my husband Javani. We are in a middle of a huge fight but don’t worry, it won’t affect your meal tonight. Now, let me tell you about the special. First up we have the ‘my husband is stupid’ spaghetti.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Not funny.

Kate: [In Italian accent] We also have ‘I can’t stand my husband’ cavatelli.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Here’s my impression of Kate McKinnon. ‘I’m a low-class slob.’

Kate: What’s it? What is he saying?

Taran: I don’t know.

Kate: [In Italian accent] And finally for dessert, we have ice-cream-you-scream-we-all-scream-at-my-husband.

Donald Trump’s tweet: I love SNL. SNL loves me. But everyone in this sketch is a total loser who can bite my dust.

Kate: Is he ripping us apart?

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. He definitely is.

Taran: I don’t know why. He has been nice all week. [Cut to Taran] I mean I know he likes me .

Donald Trump’s tweet: Oh great, more screen time for super dud @TaranKillam.

Taran: Well, Carmela, I think we are ready to order.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Oh, great! But before you do, my husband Javani has some corrections to the menu.

[Kenan walks in looking very concerned]

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Hi. I am Jevani.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Who’s this nobody?

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Tonight, I am out of steak. I’m out of emotions. I am out of a patience with my wife Carmela

Donald Trump’s tweet: An extremely credible source just told me that Kenan Thompson’s birth certificate is a fraud.

Kenan: What? What do you think he just tweeted?

Donald Trump’s tweet: Sorry folks, but add a “y” to “Kenan” and you get “Kenyan.”

[audience laughing hard]

Kenan: Probably something with like, Kenan and Kenyan right?

Kate: I know.

Cecily: I mean yeah.

Taran: That’s exactly what it is.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Anyway. Please don’t let my husband ruin the mood. Your night should be romantic. That’s why our grandson little Luca is now gonna sing a song for you.

[Cut to Vanessa dressed as a little boy.]

Vanessa: I don’t wanna be in this sketch anymore.

[Cut to Kate and Kenan]

Kenan: Vanessa, you have to. This is live.

[Cut to Vanessa]

[music playing]

Vanessa: [singing] When you have too much wine
so you scream all the time

that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is an average talent and a total loser.

Vanessa: What’s he saying? Is it about my teeth? [yelling] These aren’t my real teeth.

[singing] When my nana throws plates at my no-nose dump face that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is a lazy performer and should be deported.

Vanessa: Cut away! Cut away from me.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily, Kate and Kenan]

Taran: Vanessa. You can’t do that.

Kate: No.

[Leslie walks in with Vanessa]

Leslie: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m sorry y’all. I’m sorry to interrupt this sketch. [laughing] Sorry Lorne. But you guys, y’all have to see what Donald Trump is tweeting about y’all. He hates you Taran. He hates you.

Taran: Me? Why?

Donald Trump’s tweet: I have tremendous respect for Leslie Jones. She’s a winner.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] Hah! He just tweeted about me. He hates y’all but he likes me. I love you too, Donald.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Thanks Leslie. AndI love the blacks.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] What?

[Leslie rages towards the camera]

What you! You is a mons–

[Video shuts down]

[The End]

Donald Trump’s Presidential Ad

Becky… Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Ronald McDonald McTrump… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

[Starts with ‘Trump 2016’ banner on the screen]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement for Donald Trump for president.

[Cut to Becky wearing a black and red dress]

Becky: Liberty.

[Cut to Cecily wearing the same dress]

Cecily: Patriosm.

[Cut to Becky]

Becky: Peg-oligance.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Free-some.

[Cut to Becky and Cecily. They both take few steps forward.]

[Becky and Cecily talk at the same time but they say different things like they have not prepared the script.]

Both: Donald Tramp.

[The banner at the bottom of the screen clearly has ‘Donald Trump’ written on it]

Cecily: Agolar shriety of the perfect presiment.

Becky: You feel like you’re getting a Yankee doodle handy.

Both: With Donald Tramp.

Becky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Becky.

Cecily: And I’m alive again.

Becky: And we’re not porn stars anymore but that doesn’t mean we don’t know a perfect presiment when he steps into the oral office.

[Ronald walks in with a red clown wig]

Ronald: [speaking like Donald Trump] Did somebody say it’s huge?

Becky and Cecily: Not yet.

Becky: Please get out.

Ronald: Okay.

[Ronald walks out]

Becky: Other candidates are just the sleepy doctor and Carly Marinara.

[Cecily covers her eyes with her palm]

Cecily: Marco.

Becky: Rubo.

Cecily: Marco.

Becky: Rubo.

Cecily: But Donald Tramp is a billionairest.

Becky: And when it comes to Russia, he’ll stand up to Put-it-in.

Cecily: No, it’s Putin. Remember? Coz we dated him.

Becky: Oh, right. Yeah, okay.

Cecily: You’ll feel as noble as a ball-gagged eagle.

Becky: Or like you’re signing the dongleration of in-the-pants-ness. (trying to say independence)

Cecily: Or singing the star strangled boner.

[Ronald walks in again]

Ronald: Did someone say it’s huge?

Cecily: Don’t!

Becky: Not yet, please get out.

Ronald: Okay.

[Ronald walks out again]

Both: With Donald Tramp.

Cecily: One time, I thought I got banged back to 1776. But I was just banged by 1776 guys dressed as pilgrims. I vote no on that, but yes for Trump.

Becky: One time I thought I banged Teddy Roosevelt but it was just Teddy Ruxpin. Sorry kid’s birthday.

Cecily: I thought I had the right to bear arms but I was just banging a bear with my right arm. [showing her left arm]

Becky: I guess it’s true what Smogy says, “Only you can put your whole arm in.” Oh, hey. Remember the apprentice?

Both: You’re fire. You’re fire.

[Ronald walks in again]

Ronald: Did someone say huge?

Becky: Okay.

Cecily: You can go now.

Ronald: Thank you. HI, I’m Ronald McDonald McTrump. I specialize in clown themed political pornos, such as “Wag the Dong”, “Fist/Nixon”, “All the president’s men, plus a horse”, Lee Daniel’s “In the buttler”, and “Milk”. But you know who’s not clowning around with the presidency? It’s Donald Trump.

Becky: Hey, hey, hey, don’t boost for us. We’re trying to do this ad for Donald Tramp so he let’s us live in his hotels.

Cecily: Yeah, maybe visit the White House. I haven’t been there since the 90s.

Becky: Oh, yeah.

[audience clapping and laughing]

Oh, yeah. I hit my head on the desk.

Cecily: Yeah.

Ronald: So, next December 25th, vote for Donald Trump for Santa Claus. And to my clown college professor who said, “You might as well be doing pornos”, I’m suddenly realizing you were being sarcastic.

[Ronald moves to the side]

Becky and Cecily: With Donald Tramp.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Oh! I’m Donald Trump and I in no way, shape or form approve of this message. Didn’t you used to be a brunette?

Becky, Cecily and Ronald: Yeah.

Donald Trump: That’s what I thought.

[Cut to Trump 2016 banner]

[The End]

Democratic Candidates Forum

Rachael Madow… Cecily Strong

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Candidates Forum intro]

[Cut to Rachael standing in the set. The audiences are clapping.]

Rachael: Good evening. Good evening, I’m Rachael Madow and welcome to MSNBC first in the south democratic forum. In case you were wondering what a forum is, it’s a debate that no one watches. Tonight we’re coming to you live from Winthrop University in beautiful South Carolina. And to remind you of that, all night we’ll be cutting to very tight shots of black people in the audience. The camera will be very close to their faces and we’ll often catch them off guard like this.

[Cut to Kenan. He’s an audience of the show and takes time to realize that he’s on TV.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Tonight, I’ll be speaking one on one with the three remaining democratic candidates. We’ll get to the fun ones in a sec, but first we have to eat our vegetables. Please welcome Martin O’Malley.

[Martin O’Malley walks in]

Martin O’Malley: Thanks for having me, Rachael.

Rachael: Governor O’Malley, here’s my first question. Did you get here okay?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: You have a– You have a good flight?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: Okay, governor O’Malley, everyone.

[Martin O’Malley stands and waves at the audience, and then leaves.]

Our next candidate this evening is hot off crushing the Benghazi hearings, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: 11 hours, baby. It couldn’t break me and it never will.

Rachael: Okay, Hillary, let’s dive in to some tough questions. But, oh, don’t worry. Not actually tough, just MSNBC tough.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Of course, but first excuse me while I try to sit casually in this chair.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is finding a comfortable posture to sit on.]

There we go.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Secretary Clinton, here is your question. You lived in Arkansas for 20 years, but after the White House, you moved to New York instead of returning down South. So, how can the people in the South trust that you care about them?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Rachael, I love the South. I love to eat Hush Puppies and wear Hush Puppies. But you know, I also love New York, with their bagels and their logs. I could never forget about it. But I also could never forget about sitting on a porch and eating some Southern grills.

[Cut to Jay sitting in audience. He is shocked to see himself on the screen.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay, now, since this is not a debate, it’s just a forum, let’s move on to some stupid little games.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Pick an envelope and inside are some surprise questions. Sounds fun?

Hillary Clinton: Ha-hah! Yes. I love being surprised on TV. [laughing]

Rachael: Alright, this one. Okay.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Alright, question one, what language would you most like to learn?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm. I think I’m gonna say casual English. Um, you know, there are so many phrases I hear but I don’t know how to use. Like, “hang out”, or “I’m good either way”.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Question two, introvert or extrovert?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Rachael, I would say I’m a little bit of both. I’m an extrovert because I love meeting people and connecting with them and smiling with them. But, I’m an introvert because no, I don’t.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Rachael: Okay. Thank you for being here. Secretary Clinton, everyone.

[Hillary Clinton stands, waves at everyone and leaves]

Time for our final candidate. He’s a second term senator of–

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Okay, okay, I don’t need no–

[cheers and applause]

I don’t need no fancy introduction. I’m not Elvis Presley. Let’s just get on with it.

Rachael: Okay, well, thanks for being here senator Sanders. Are you ready for some questions?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’ve actually got a question for you. What the hell is this tonight? Why are we even doing this?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Beats me. Now, senator, let’s get to our first question. You’ve said many times that you wanna raise taxes for large corporations. What exactly would you invest that money in?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We need to rebuild our nation’s infrastructure. It’s crumbling.  That’s why I no longer drive on bridges or through tunnels. I won’t do it, Rachael. It’s too risky. Instead, I keep a kayak strapped to the top of my car. Whenever I get to a bridge, I park, abandon my car and paddle to the other side. So, if you ever see a soaking wet man pulling a kayak out of a river and screaming about bridges, give him a hand. Coz he’s your next president.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Senator Sanders, I’m gonna ask you another question. Please don’t hate me.

Bernie Sanders: Of course I hate you. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I hate everyone. What’s to like? The only people I like are my seven adorable grandchildren. The youngest one is so cute. He just turned 40.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Um, now, you’ve been very vocal about campaign finance reform. How is the way your financing your campaign different from the other candidates in either party?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Listen, Rachael, the other candidates, they’re taking millions of dollars from the Coke Brothers and Nexon Mobile. But not me. I only accept coins. And I’m not talking about fancy coins like dimes and quarters. I just want nickles and pennies. The coins of the middle class. And Rachael, I don’t want new pennies. I’m talking about those old pennies that are covered in hard black gum, you can’t even read the date. So, America, if you believe in Bernie, I need you to go home, open your closet, pull out your vacuum, dump it upside down and send me all the pennies fall out of it. That’s right. I’m Bernie Sanders and I want your vacuum pennies.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Interesting strategy, senator.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Rachael, don’t poo-poo the vacuum penny.

[Cut to Rachael and Bernie Sanders]

Rachael: I won’t.

Bernie Sanders: Don’t poo-poo it.

Rachael: I won’t. But now, it’s time again to play some stupid little game, okay? Pick an envelope.

Bernie Sanders: The one on the far left. So far left, it could never be elected.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Rachael: Oh, this actually isn’t a question. It’s a dare. Senator Sanders,I dare you to take my phone and call your crush.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can’t call my crush. It would take too long because my crush is every black person in America.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience looking un-convinced.]

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Black people love me, Rachael. When I ran for senator in Vermont, I got 50% of the black vote. His name was Marcus.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Alright, finally, are there any last words you’d like to offer the American people?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes. If you vote for me, I will work hard, I will never give up and Live from New York… ay! You get it!

[The End]

Band with Laser Harp

Kenan Thompson

Tommy T. Vilaris… Beck Bennett

Tanya Grapes… Aidy Bryant

Joe Hobs… Jay Pharoah

Shina Ray… Cecily Strong

Blade… Kate McKinnon

Jean Breads… Donald Trump

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a band playing in a bar]

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: Are we there yet?

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: I bet he feels just like me

[music stops]

Thank you very much, Lake George. Wow, what a great crowd tonight. So, let’s meet the band. On the bass guitar, it’s Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: On the keyboards, give it up for miss Tanya Grapes.

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: He’s our drummer and our band’s resting hound, Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. And over here, singing back up vocals and light dancing, Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Alright. And where would we be without our very own, Jean Breads on laser harp.

[Cut to Jean on laser harp. He just plays two keys and looks at Kenan]

[Cut to Kenan disappointed.]

Kenan: Is that it? Is that your whole solo?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I guess it has to be.

[Cut to Tommy]

Tommy: What do you mean? What’s wrong, Jean Breads?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, nothing. It’s just every night, everyone’s solos get longer and longer, by the time I get there nobody is even listening.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Blade: Jean, we’re doing the same thing we always do. We always– we go…

[Shina and Blade start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Now, Shina Ray, Blade, let him finish his thought.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: It doesn’t matter. I mean, I’m only playing the most fantastic instrument ever made. It’s lasers!

[Cut to Tanya]

Tanya: Well then, play them Jean Breads.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, easy Tanya. We are in front of an audience.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Shina: That’s right guys. There are eight people here that wanna kill our show.

[Cut to the eight people in the audience]

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Whoop! Sorry, there’s nine now. Sorry, I just got here.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, well great. Would you like us to re-introduce ourselves?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah. I would love that. Just so I know who’s on what instrument. Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. Real fast so that there’s plenty of time for Jean at the end. Let’s go. Tanya Grapes!

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Jean. He is dancing.]

Jean: Here we go. It’s my moment.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hang on a second. I almost forgot, I sometimes play the sax.

[Kenan starts playing sax solo]

[Cut to Jean getting disappointed]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: And Jean Breads–

Jean: I quit.

Kenan: –on the laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Let me just tell ya’. I quit.

[Cut to the band]

All: No.

Joe: Don’t be like that, Jean.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I joined this band to be a part of a team.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: But you are, Jean Breads. You are a part of this.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I’m not if you don’t give me a chance to shine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You’re right. Please take all the time you need. Play your laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Great! I’m about to rock this place down.

[Jean starts playing his laser harp and dancing]

[Tommy comes in]

Tommy: Oh, he’s doing it. Look at the audience.

[Tommy leaves]

[Cut to the bar. There is no audience.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Wow!

Joe: I guess they’re leaving to tell their friends. Hit it guys!

[The End]\