Tag: Cecily Strong

Bad Girls

Stacey… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Gretchen… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Bayer

Josh… Beck Bennett

[Starts a Bad Girls band’s music video with girls posing in a car]

Stacey: Life is short. And we only get one chance to live it. So we do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want. Because we’re bad girls and we do it well.

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Shorty’s fast food. Cecily is approaching the counter.]

Kenan: Hey, what can I get for you?

Cecily: Um, can I just do a turkey and avocado sandwich?

Kenan: Sure. You want a drink with that?

Cecily: No, no, no. That’s okay. But you know what? Actually, can I just do like a free cup for water…

[Cut to Cecily at the soda station looking around]

… that I’ma fill with lemonade.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to an elevator. Few people are getting in.]

Kyle: Hey, what floor guys?

Pete: Um, 62 please.

Jon: 66 for me please.

Kyle: For you?

Gretchen: 2.0

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer trying to get in the fine dining restaurant]

Taran: Um, we only receive full parties. Are all four of your members here?

Leslie: Oh, yeah. She’s just in the bathroom.

Taran: Fantastic. Right this way.

Leslie: The bathroom at her house.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Bobby with the trolley at the grocery store. Venessa comes with few items to put in the trolley]

Venessa: Okay, I think I got everything. Milk, broccoli and ice-cream.

Bobby: Oh! We already got an ice-cream.

Venessa: Oh, okay. I’ll just put it back… right here… by the bread.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer at the restaurant]

Sasheer: God, our waitress was terrible.

Leslie: Yeah, such a bad service.

Stacey: Well, it’s time to leave the tip. Think what I’m gonna do. Let’s still tip 20% because being server is hard and you don’t know what’s going on her day today.

Sasheer: Yeah.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Josh doing the dishes]

Josh: Dishes are all done babe. Can you just take out the trash? I think it’s full.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Um, sure.

[Gretchen looks at the bin. The bin looks full. She just kick-pushes the trash in to squeeze in making space available in the bin.]

Actually, it’s not full.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls —

[Cut to Stacey at the restroom using the toilet. She’s out of toilet-tissues.]

Stacey: Shoot!

[Stacey looks at the socks she’s wearing, opens it and used it as a tissue]

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[The girls are shooting guns at the sky]

Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey! Hey! Hey! Gretchen!

Gretchen: Hi baby.

Josh: What are you dong? I told you to take out the trash and now you’re out here shooting guns with like, 50 women?

Gretchen: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Girls, I gotta go. But, Bad Girls for life, right?

[Gretchen hugs goodbye to her girls and runs to Josh]

Bye girls. Bye, bye, bye.

Stacey: [Smiling at Josh] Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Stacey.

Stacey: We’re Bad Girls.

[The End]

The Loveliest Kingdom

Judith… Aidy Bryant

Thomas… Bobby Moynihan

School Mam… Kate McKinnon

Avanathy… Jon Rudnitsky

Pastor Dane… Taran Killam

Bernard… Tracy Morgan

Cecily Strong

Branda… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with the book ‘The Loveliest Kingdom’.]

[Cut to Judith and Thomas in the market]

Judith: Good morning, farmer Thomas.

Thomas: Oh, good morning spinster Judith. Care for an apple?

Judith: Oh, how generous. I’ll pay for it with a kiss.

Thomas: No need.

Judith and Thomas: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Mam and Avanathy]

Mam: Well, good morning, Avanathy.

Avanathy: Good morning School Mam.

Mam: Shouldn’t you be in school?

Avanathy: Well, shouldn’t you?

Mam: Well, it’s okay for adults to take beautiful days off.

Mam and Avanathy: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Pastor Dane and Bernard]

Pastor Dane: Ah! Good morning clock maker Bernard.

Bernard: Well, hello there Pastor Dane.

Pastor Dane: Oh, this morning finds you in a jolly mood.

Bernard: I should be.

Pastor Dane: Oh, do tell.

Bernard: I saw a horse take a wiz. It was insane.

Pastor Dane: What

Bernard: It made a puddle so big, our duck landed in it.

Pastor Dane and Bernard: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Bernard leaves and Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Good morning, Pastor Dane. Is there something of matter?

Pastor Dane: Oh, no. No. I don’t think so. I was just talking to Bernard the clock maker. [Bernard walks in]

Bernard: Hey, can I ask you a girl question?

Cecily: Ah! I bet I know what it is and yes, you may have a buttercup.

Bernard: No. Do you cross your legs when you sit on the toilet?

Cecily: Why do I do what?

Bernard: You know, so if someone walks in, you look like a lady.

Bernard and Cecily: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Dancers are dancing behind Pastor Dane, Bernard and Cecily. Everyone joins them.]

Everybody: This morning is like no morning before

This morning teachers mornings what mornings are for

[Branda walks by]

Pastor Dane: Oh, good morning cheese maker Branda.

Branda: Oh, yes. What a wonderful day it is.

Bernard: It sure is. I wrote a song about titties. Anybody wants to hear it?

Thomas: Bernard! It is 8 am and you are out here in the middle of the square talking utter nonsense. What is wrong with you?

Bernard: I’m just expressing myself. If something’s going on with me? I just say it. Sometimes I don’t even think. You guys are too uptight to say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Judith: He has a point.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: So? Who wants to go first?

[Cut to Pastor Dane]

Pastor Dane: Well, I guess it shall be me.

[Pastor Dane pulls Avanathy]

I’m sleeping with this boy child.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: Wait! [Bernard walks to Pastor Dane and Avanathy] You dong what?

Pastor Dane: Well, Bernard, maybe child is not the right word. He is 18.

Avanathy: He waited till I was 18, so it’s cool

Bernard: No, no, no. You did what?

Pastor Dane: Let’s get the music going.

Bernard: Dude, there ain’t no music. You shouldn’t have told us that.

Pastor Dane: Someone else can take a turn. Cheese lady, go.

[Cut to Branda]

Branda: I can’t even talk right now.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Avanathy: It’s okay. If anything, I pushed for it.

Bernard: Alright, it’s okay, as long as you’re happy. It just seems weird.

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, did I tell you about the puddle the horse made?

Everybody: [singing] And on our way we go!

[The End]

Family Feud Extended Family

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jackie Williams… Leslie Jones

Martin Williams… Jay Pharoah

Layla Williams… Sasheer Zamata

Raymond Williams… Michael Che

Darrel Williams-Magill… Tracy Morgan

Maria Williams-Magill… Cecily Strong

Rachael Magill… Venessa Bayer

Blake Magill… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Family Feud. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now, welcome to Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? I got the tie from Shaq’s fist tie knot, knot as thick as Shaq’s fist. Okay, let’s meet our two families. [Cut to the Williams] Over here, we got the Williams family. How you doing, darling?

Jackie: I’m good, Steve. I’m Jackie and these are my three kids, Martin, Layla and Raymond.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, your husband didn’t want to play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Well, I’ve been divorced for about six months but we’re doing alright.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, so you fresh on a scene. Okay. And over here, we got the Williams-Magill family. [cut to the Williams-Magill family] How are you doing today player?

Darrel: How you dong, Steve? I’m Darrel, and this is my beautiful wife Maria. My two step kids, Rachael and Blake.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you look lovely today darling. [Cut to Darrel and Maria] How long have you been married?

Maria: About six months.

[Cut to Steve Harvey. He is suspicious.]

Steve Harvey: Hold up. Williams. Williams-Magill.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Yes! Darrel is my ex-husband and these are his kids.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve Harvey: So, you left her and then you married her. And now you’re both here together. Oh, damn!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Darrel: The heart wants what it wants, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That ain’t the heart, player!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Maria: It’s okay coz we are all working through this and doing our best.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: [laughing] I love this. [Cut to Darrel, Maria and Rachael] So, how you liking your new daddy?

Rachael: He’s cool, I guess. It might be nice if he put some clothes on when he cooks breakfast.

Darrel: And get baking grease on my new t-shirts? Uh-uh! I do a baby boy style.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, it’s only getting better. Oh, get me two people. Let’s play the feud. Come on!

[Jackie and Darrel walk forward]

[Steve Harvey look at Jackie and Darrel’s faces]

Y’all okay?

Jackie: I told you, we are working through it.

Steve Harvey: Alright then. 100 people survey, top five answers on the board. Name something that people frequently forget.

[Jackie hits the buzzer]

Jackie: Their family.

Steve Harvey: Oh, right out the jump. Right out the jump. She’s going to jump right in with that one. Okay, I don’t know if that’s right, but I know it’s real. Show me, forget the kids.

[Cut to the answer screen. There is ‘family obligations’.]

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Okay, okay. There’s a lot of dead beats out there. Darrel, you got a better answer? Something that people forget?

Darrel: How about your password?

[Cut to Williams-Magill clapping]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: That’s a good answer. That’s a good answer. Show me ‘password’.

[Cut to the answer screen.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Oh, sorry player. Looks like we surveyed 100 divorced women. Okay, Williams family, you up.

[Steve Harvey walk to the Williams]

Martin, name something that people frequently forget.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: To come to your residal coz they say they have to work.

[Cut to Darrel looking hurt]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Um, I’m sorry. That’s not an answer.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Exactly! That’s what I thought too.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: I love you Martin. But no man should be forced to watch his son play the clavenet.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Wound is still fresh. Oh! Show me somebody ain’t show up somewhere.

[Cut to the answer screen]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, well, Layla. Something that people forget.

Layla: I know something. Your morality.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: How you talking about morals when you out there stripping every night?

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: I got to make money.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: It’s not even a real strip-club. It’s a car-wash with a room in the back.

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: That’s what happens when your daddy abandons you for a cruise ship director. You ain’t around! You weren’t around us.

Steve Harvey: Wait! Folks, let’s just remember hurt can go a long way. Show me keep em off the pole.

[Cut to answer screen]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

I’m sorry. Let’s go over to Raymond.

[Raymond is not there]

Wait! Hold up, where did he go?

[Cut to the Williams-Magill. Raymond is standing behind them.]

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Raymond, what are you doing?

[Cut to Raymond and the Williams-Magill]

Raymond: Look mom, I’m sorry. But these people are happy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Well, you can’t fault a man for wanting some happiness. We back to Jackie, something that people forget.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You know what, Steve? I’m gonna give a real answer. Because I’m not gonna let them win. Okay, something you forget is… commitment!

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: Oh! Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You took a vow, Darrel, of love, at the Fort-Queens hotel and casino in Las Vegas. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

[Cut to the answer screen]

[wrong buzzer]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

[yelling] I loved you Darrel. I had your kids.

[wrong buzzer]

Steve Harvey: That means stop. That’s what that means. It’s over. I’m sorry, that is not up there. Looks like the Williams-Magill family has a chance to steal.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: [yelling] He has stolen enough from me, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I guess I walked right into that one.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Okay, give me some good ides. Williams-Magill, come on!

Maria: Your keys.

Rachael: Your phone.

Blake: Your ID.

Raymond: To follow your heart, daddy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Darrel]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Darrel, something that people forget.

Darrel: Look, man! I’m a man. Sometimes men make mistakes. Like I did in my previous marriage. We were young, horny, and I liked it raw. I’m old school.

Steve Harvey: Hey, Darrel, I hear you player. Loud and clear. Show me, ‘I forgot to pull out’.

[Cut to answer screen]

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Williams-Magill wins again. You know what? I’ll just write this family a check for everything in my bank account right now. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

Astronaut Jones

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Jones… Tracy Morgan

Marcina… Tina Fey

[Starts with Cecily briefing an incident to her staff]

Cecily: Here’s what we know so far. At around 4:30 am yesterday our satellites detected a storm approaching the area’s three mission site on mars. The storm escalated to severe and we had no choice but to abort the mission. But during the evacuation, one of our men was lost. We’ll give you more information as we get it.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Captain, you need to see something.

[Cut to Kate on a computer. Taran and Cecily walk in.]

Show her.

Kate: This is the Satellite feed of Mars right now.

Taran: Look at those robo tracks. Someone has been moving around up there.

Cecily: What are you saying?

Taran: It’s him.

Cecily: That’s impossible.

Taran: He’s still alive up there.

Cecily: He died in the storm.

[alert bell ringing]

Kate: Oh, my god. We just received an incoming video message from Mars.

Cecily: This can’t be happening.

Taran: Play it. Play the message.

[Cut to the video message. It’s an astronaut without his space helmet in outer space]

Jones: Hello, it’s me astronaut Jones.

[music start playing]

[Astronaut Jones intro starts]

[singing] I’m taking a rocket
I’m packing my suitcase
and look out moon
yeah, on rocket
into outer space
goodbye human race
I’ll be there soon
pass out for an adventure
yes, I said adventure
collecting stones
yeah, it’s my way
on the space highway
that’s why they all say
there goes astronaut Jones

Male voice: Hey! It’s Astronaut Jones in the Martian.

[Cut to Jones]

Jones: This is astronaut Jones. My crew left without me. I’m alone on the planet Mars. Oh, wait! I hear somebody.

[Marcina walks in in a pink glossy dress]

Marcina: Space man, my name is Marcina. Proud ruler of the Martian people.

Jones: Yeah, right.

Marcina: We understand [Jones is mumbling things that sound like what Marcina is saying] that you’ve been abandoned here and require subsistence  just arrived for 400 souls. Until you can be returned to your home, we are willing to help you. Give you food and water. In return, help us make contact with the earthlings and understand their strange way. What do you say, space man?

Jones: I say you take that butt out of the space suit and let me see it clap.

[Cut to Astronaut Jones video bumper]

I’m taking a rocket
I’m packing my suitcase

Male voice: Astronaut Jones, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb production.

City Council Meeting

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary Lumus… Kenan Thompson

Baby… Amy Schumer

Caren… Leslie Jones

Rick… Pete Davidson

[Starts with City Council Meeting]

Bobby: Alright. Motion to put a stop sign on Walnut Avenue passes.

Cecily: And we now begin the Baker’s Field citizens forum and invite members of the community to the podium.

[Cut to Jan walking to the podium]

Jan: My name is Jan Krang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ms. Krang. Can you pull back from the microphone?

Jan: No! [Cut to Jan] I cannot. My grievance is with the teens who loiter in the Zappy’s lazer tag parking lot at night. They do wheelie, they smoke e-cigarettes, they dry hump in their cars. Now, I know they’re doing it because I can hear the sound of the denim on the denim.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Have you contacted Zappy’s management?

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Hundreds of times. And they have blocked my number. Now, all in favor of having Zappy’s parking lot bull-do say, “Yes, yes!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Um, Ms. Krang, we’re not voting on that. I suggest you file a formal noise complaint with the sheriff’s department.

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Jan Krang, J-A-N K-rang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yea, we have your name. Thank you miss Krang. Yess, hello sir.

[cut to the podium. Jan leaves and MC Strategy walks to it.]

MC Strategy: [speaking with an accent] Hello, my name is MC Strategy of the Mythic Insight’s crew. I recently moved here from Holland because of the underground hip-hop community here. I want to make sure that musical act you fired for the fall carnival is not mainstream making cream, all about the money, fake MCs with store bought flows. May I suggest MC Strategy performs. The realist MC.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The city events committee handles  the fall carnival. You can contact them through the city’s website.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Thank you for being part of the movement. Real hip-hop.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yes. You’re very welcome. Yes, the man in the Halloween themed tie.

[Cut to Gary. He’swearing Halloween tie and his jacket has a pumpkin on it’s right patch.]

Gary: Well, that’s me, scary Gary Lumus. As you know, the 31st of this month is all hallow’s eve where goons and goblins take to the streets for the spookiest nights. My question is, may I shut down 10 city blocks near my home for the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: What is the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Gary]

Gary: A goolish parade of 400 freaky friends, ghosties, mummies, pumpkin people, and a host of haunts all armed with ooze cannons marches through the streets, singing a goolish chorus. It will truly be a fright… [Gary shows his hands. They’re hugs green and best like.] to remember. Monster hands!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, I see that. I’m sorry Mr. Lumus but we cannot close major streets for private events. Thank you. Yes, hello, the little girl. Hi there.

[Cut to Baby.]

Baby: Hello. My name is Amy Berry Willer Schumer and I’m this many years old. [showing six fingers] Praise our lord Jesus Christ. He’s the best.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Aren’t you adorable. Do you have a question for us?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, babe. I was wondering if you could make recess longer at school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Aw! I think that’s up to your school, sweetheart. Anything else?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes! I wanna be allowed to bring my firearm to school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: You own a gun?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, sir. A bunch. A very pro life. Also, could we make bible class to Jesus’s teacher. Also, could you pass a federal mandate to ban all gay marriage? It’s not natural. It’s not natural.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Okay. Okay. You’re freaking me out, so we’re gonna move on. Um, yes, hello ma’am. You.

[Cut to Caren on the podium]

Caren: Hello. Okay, you can do this Caren. My name is Caren and I’m an alcoholic.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh, you know what? This isn’t– that’s not what this is.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: Please don’t interrupt me. This is difficult for me. I’ve been sober now for 20 minutes. I decided to seek help because I was drinking on a job which was affecting my performance as a school bus driver.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ma’am. This is not an alcoholic synonymous meeting. They meet here  on Wednesday nights.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: For real? Man, I thought this was Wednesday.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, someone find out what school she works in. Alright, hello there, young man.

[Cut to Rick on the podium]

Rick: Wad up? I’m Rick. Um, you guys see Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Did.. Did.. Did we see Justin Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was… It was alright, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily. Bobby is nodding his head and smiling]

Bobby: Yeah. I thought it was pretty good.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Do you have a question that pertains to a city related issue?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: No. I do not. Peace!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Great! Well, that concludes the citizen’s forum. After party at Zappy’s guys? I think that would be a great idea.

[The End]

Baby Shower

Sasheer Zamata

Teresa .. Venessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Jessie… Amy Schumer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies having a Baby shower]

Sasheer: How far long are you, Teresa ? You look like your’e about to pop.

Teresa: Ah, we think two months. We haven’t been keeping count.

Sasheer: What?

Teresa: We don’t really know how it works and we don’t believe in doctors. We’re just kind of winging it.

Sasheer: Cool.

[Aidy walks n]

Aidy: Okay, everybody. Let’s get this baby shower started.

[All the ladies sit down]

So I’ve got paper and pen so we can play some fun shower games.

[Jessie walks in]

Jessie: Okay, so fun. Where should I sit? I know I’m not invited. I don’t wanna make, like, everybody annoyed.

[Jessie takes a seat in between Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: She can sit next to me, right? She’s my best friend. It’s okay that I brought Jessie, right?

[Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: Yeah, I guess I didn’t say not to do it. So…

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: Oh, okay. Good. I just like, don’t wanna take away your day or whatever.

[Cut to Aidy and Sasheer]

Aidy: So, how do you two know each other?

[cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, she bartends at the bar I spend all my nights in.

Jessie: Yeah. We became best friends.

Cecily: Yeah, Jessie totally has my back.

Jessie: Coz she used to order like, rail vodka and I was like, “Oh, Absolute.” Hello, right?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Well, why don’t you start opening your gifts?

[Cut to everybody]

Teresa: Okay, alright. [picks up a present] Oh, the wrapping is so cute.

Cecily: Wait, wait, wait. I wanna take a picture. Let me get my purse.

[Cecily walks away to get her purse]

[Teresa is opening the present]

Jessie: Wait! Hold on! She’s getting her purse.
[Cecily walks back]

Cecily: Jessie, my purse is gone.

Jessie: What? What do you mean? Like, your purse is like, completely gone?

Cecily: Yeah.

Jessie: Okay, so someone took it.

Cecily: What? I don’t know.

Kate: No, no. I’m sure no one took it.

Jessie: No, if it’s not there then yes, someone took it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: Can she open her present now?

Cecily: Did someone took my purse?

[Cut to Kate, Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: No, someone took it. You don’t move a purse. You take it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, everything is fine. I’m not mad. Just please tell me where it is.

Jessie: And then, maybe explain why you took it because like, she deserves answers?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Then where is it?

Jessie: Okay, don’t freak out. Nobody is leaving here. And if it turns out that one of them took it, they will pay.

[Cut to everybody]

Does that sound okay with everybody? Is that cool?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: No one took your purse.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Okay, can someone write down that she just said that in case we need it?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: I just want my purse.

Kate: It’s here somewhere. I know it’s here.

[Jessie stares at Kate furiously]

Aidy: You know what? Let’s just play a baby shower game and have some fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Fine! I’ll shut the hell up.

Jessie: No, like, your friends are ridiculous right now.

Aidy: Okay, so everybody take a marker and write down a baby name. And then, Teresa has to guess who wrote what name.

[Everybody takes a paper and writes on it]

[Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: This is fun. This will be great.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Okay, Teresa, pick one.

Teresa: Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Teresa]

First name is… [picks up a paper] did you take my purse. Are you serious?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Yes, answer the question.

Cecily: [sobbing] Guys, please, my purse has everything in it. Just give me my purse.

Jessie: What was in there, sweetie? Tell them what’s in your purse?

Cecily: My parent’s address and information. My passport and I’m going to Mexico in a month. My UTI medics and my heart burn pills.

Jessie: No, keep going. Tell them what they took from you.

Cecily: My phone charger and my sunglasses and my norse.

Jessie: Your norse? Wait, they took your norse?

Cecily: Yes, they took it all and everything else.

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: You know what? I can’t stand it. [Jessie throws everything on the table away] God damn, you people! Everybody get up!

[Everybody gets up]

Get up, I don’t care if you’re pregnant. Get up!

[Jessie starts throwing stuffs here and there]

Teresa: What are you doing?

Jessie: Look, I don’t care if you guys like me. I’m never gonna see any of you again. I don’t care if you think I’m a bitch coz I wont’ see you unless you come into my bar. And if you come in and you don’t tip 20%, guess what? Your ass is getting kicked out.

Sasheer: Wait, is that your purse right under where your friend was sitting?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily looking at the purse]

Jessie: Oh, my god. Check it. Is that your purse?

Cecily: Ah! This is it.

Jessie: Wait! Make sure everything’s in it, because if even one thing’s missing, I’m calling the police.

Cecily: It’s all here.

Jessie: God! Okay, so you guys clean up. I’m gonna use the upstairs bathroom and let’s get this shower back on track!

Cecily: Woo-hoo!

[The End]

Weekend Update Jill Davenport flirts with Colin

Colin Jost

Jill Davenport… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday shopping season is officially under way. Here to tell us the best tech gadgets for the guy in your life is reporter from Glamour magazine, Jill Davenport.

[Jill slides in]

Jill: Thank you, Colin. [Jill is flirt-gesturing] It’s so great to be here. I’m like, a huge fan.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Thank you so much, Jill.

Jill: Wait, how did you say my name?

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m sorry. Did I miss pronounce it? Jill?

Jill: No. You sort of like, funny. Like, I’m watching you! Alright. [Jill is playing with her hair] So, the best gadgets– My god! I’m like, so hot out here. Do you mind if I take my jacket off, first? [take off her jacket]

Colin Jost: No, that’s fine.

Jill: [laughs] Of course you don’t mind. It’s like a free show. [Jill is playing with her hair]

Colin Jost: Jill, I have to say. I feel like you’re kind of trying to flirt with me.

Jill: What? Colin! I have like, a boyfriend. Can we just talk about gadgets?

Colin Jost: Yes, please. Let’s.

Jill: Please? Oh, Mr. Manners. Okay, professional. [looking into her shirt.] Oh, my god! What’s in my shirt. [looks at Colin Jost] Oh, my god! Did you just see down my shirt? I’m so embarrassed.

Colin Jost: Jill, no. I was not looking–

Jill: Are you making fun of me? Oh, my god. You are so laughing at me right now. You are! Michael, is Colin laughing at me?

[Cut to Michael. He has his headphones on and is nodding to the music.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jill]

Oh, my god. I’m like, freezing out here. I’m so cold. Can I have your coat?

Colin Jost: You want my coat?

[Jill nods her head]

Okay, sure. It feels like you just had one, but that’s great.

[Colin Jost opens his coat and gives it to Jill]

Jill: Gentlemen. I guess they still do exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Here you go. Alright. So, gadgets–

Jill: Oh, my god. Do I look like a baby in your coat?

Colin Jost: Jill, are you only out here to flirt with me?

Jill: Stop! I have a boyfriend. You’re making me laugh. Wait, can you open this jar for me.

[Jill hands Colin Jost a red jar]

Colin Jost: Is this about gadgets?

Jill: Yes, basically.

[Colin Jost opens the jar’s lid]

Thank you.

[Colin Jost takes a popsicle out and starts licking it.]

Colin Jost: Wait! That jar just had a popsible in it?

Jill: Get your mind out of the gutter!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Look, just tell me one tech gadget.

Jill: You are so bad. You know, I might have to go out with you after all.

Colin Jost: Go out? You just said you have a boyfriend.

Jill: Yeah, but he died.

Colin Jost: Jill Davenport, everyone. I need my coat back.

Ryan Gosling’s Magazine Cover Story

Ryan Gosling

Laura Sumner… Cecily Strong

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Trevor… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Ryan and Laura in a bar in Cornwall, Ontario]

Ryan: So, yea, this is the bar where I had my first legal beer. But, I may have slipped a couple before that. You know what I mean? [whispering] You can write that down.

Laura: [laughing] Okay. Your hometown is perfect for the stories. Readers are gonna love to know what it was like growing up Gosling.

Ryan: Well, you know, I’m an open book.

[Jerry comes in]

Jerry: Hey, glad you’re back Ryan. The Notebook is like, one of my favorite movies. Don’t tell my buddies though.

Ryan: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, seriously. Don’t tell them.

Ryan: Okay.

Jerry: Anyway, look, um, these are from the guy at the end of the bar over there.

[Cut to Trevor. He is waving at Ryan.]

[Cut to everybody]

Ryan: Oh, god!

Laura: What’s wrong?

Ryan: Oh, it’s this guy Trevor I went to school with.

Trevor: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If it isn’t the little bitch I used to beat up in high school. Cryan Ryan Gosling. And who do we have here?

Ryan: [clears throat] Trevor, this is Laura Sumner.

Laura: Pleasure. I am writing an article on Ryan for GQ.

Trevor: Oh, Mr. Hotshot here is gonna be a little cover clown boy. Anyway, you’re not nervous about Tammy typewriter discovering some old secrets, are you?

Laura: Oh, I love secrets.

Ryan: Come on, Trevor. Now now.

Trevor: What’s the matter? Embarrassed Mr. Melody can’t quite hit the high notes anymore.

Laura: Did you sing growing up? Is it?

Ryan: Yeah, little bit. I don’t know. Yeah. I– just, please don’t do this Trevor.

Trevor: Oh, come on. I’m sure pretty pencil here would love to see you put on a little show for us. Hey, Jerry, why don’t you put on C-14.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: You got this, Ryan!

Ryan: I really don’t wanna do this.

[music playing]

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Ryan: [singing] No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way

I’m living without you

[Cut to Trevor. He shuts the music off.]

Trevor: Boring!

[Trevor walks to Ryan and Laura]

When we don’t we put ourselves to sleep, we’d watch your movies. But let’s face it. We only watch the trailers.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Hey, you’re making us proud, Ryan.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Very impressive voice.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: Oh, you like being impressed, huh? Well, crying Ryan here wasn’t just a sally song stress. He also used to dance around like a Tari-tu-tu.

[Cut to Ryan]

Ryan: He’s trying to say that I used to dance when I was a kid. I was a child dancer.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Oh, you know what? This is great stuff.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: You know what else would be great? If Ryan put on a special residal for our little Nancy newspaper.

Laura: Oh! GQ is a magazine.

Trevor: And maybe the whole bar would like to see that too.

Ryan: You know what? Fine! Alright? Hey, Jerry, can you throw on B-26?

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Yeah, B-26, of course.

[music playing]

[Cut to Ryan. He starts to dance. Two other girls start dancing with him.]

[cheers and applause]

[Trevor walks in laughing]

Trevor: Did everybody see that? A dancing boy? What’s next? You’re gonna put on a skirt and make us a breakfast? Right?

[Everybody is ignoring Trevor]

[Cut to Laura and Jerry]

Laura: My god, Ryan, you were amazing.

[Cut to Ryan and Trevor]

Ryan: Okay, you know, I think we should just go. It was nice running into each other.

[Ryan and Laura are walking]

Trevor: Leaving so soon? I thought we get to see all our friend. Scrony Iony.

Laura: Did you use to be skinny?

Ryan: I guess. I was smaller, yeah.

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: This guy was a toothpick. Still is, if you asked me. I bet he wish he could look like this. [Opens his shirt]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor. Ryan is laughing from the inside.]

Ryan: What are you doing?

Trevor: We’re taking off our shirts to compare our bodies.

[cheers and applause]

Ryan: I really do not want to do this, okay?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: You’re not better than me. I can dance. [Trevor starts dancing horribly.]

[Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor.]

I can sing too. [Trevor starts singing horribly]

[Trevor starts crying]

Ryan: It’s okay, man. It’s okay to cry. That takes guts.

Trevor: I just miss your around here, Ryan.

Laura: I think I got my cover story.

[Cut to GQ magazine front page with Ryan and Trevor’s picture. The title says, ‘Ryan Gosling has lame friends’.]

[The End]

Ryan Gosling Monologue on Canadian Christmas

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mike Myers

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m so excited to be here hosting Hat– Saturday Night Live. I can’t even say it. I’m so excited to be back home, New York city. You know? Man, I love this city at Christmas time. It’s just brings back all these great memories of growing up as a kid. You know, you got the tree in Rockefeller center. You got the rockets. Getting the slice of za with my boys. And Brooklyn, what’s up? Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Cecily Strong in the audience]

Cecily Strong: Ya, Ryan, aren’t you actually from Canada?

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

Ryan Gosling: Canada? I don’t– where would I get this accent?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, it sounds like you got it from those old Phil Rizzuto ads for the money store. Also, I looked it up and you’re definitely from Cornwall Ontario.

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

Ryan Gosling: Look, alright, not everybody is a big fan of immigrants right now. You know what I mean. I’m not sure I wanna be shouting it from the rafters.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, well now I’m looking at Google images of you so I stopped listening. [Cecily Strong takes her seat]

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

[3 walks in wearing ‘Toronto Maple Leafs’ shirt.]

Mike Myers: It’s okay guys. I’ll take it from here. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll take it from here. I’ll take it from here.

Ryan Gosling: Mike Myers? Where did you come from?

Mike Myers: I live backstage. Now Ryan, are you ashamed to be Canadian?

Ryan Gosling: Mike, I am very proud to be Canadian, okay? It’s one of the greatest countries in the world. You know? Thank you. It’s just, nobody really wants a dramatic actor from Canada, you know? People don’t really think of Canada that way. They just sort of think of it as America’s hat.

Mike Myers: But we’ve got so much to be proud of. Come on, people! Our hunky new prime minister Trudeau. Hello. The grassy junior high? Sir Justin Bieber. Come on! And you wanna talk Christmas? No one does Christmas better than Canada! Waking up at dawn. Snow up to your nugs. Watching a government funded production of the nutcracker. And of course, [a snowman walks in] Bonhomme De Neige. Right? Bonhomme De Neige. Or, the good man of the snow. Who is a watchful snowman who puts you in a Maple sack and beats you with the lacrosse sticks if you’ve been telling lies. Everyone knows that, right?

[the snowman leaves]

Ryan Gosling: Look, my uncle was town’s Bonhomme De Neige, okay? I’ve been in Bonhomme De Neige’s sack. It was no fun.

Mike Myers: No, no, no, no. It is not fun. No.

Ryan Gosling: Mike, you’re right. Okay. I shouldn’t have lied. I’m sorry.

Mike Myers: [Acts like he didn’t understand] Sorry?

Ryan Gosling: [in Canadian accent] I’m sorry.

Mike Myers: Oh! Okay. Alrighty! He’s sorry. Well, you know, don’t be sorry.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I am. I am sorry.

Mike Myers: No, no, no, no. Don’t be sorry. It’s Christmas time. How about we sing a Canadian Christmas song, ay? Alright?

[music playing]

[singing] From Ottawa to Manitoba

Ryan Gosling and 3: There’s a feeling in the air.

Mike Myers: Oh, sorry. I sang your line.

Ryan Gosling: No, I’m sorry. No, you go ahead. You’re Mike Myers.

Mike Myers: That’s a little true. It’s a little true. Let’s both sing. Come on.

[music playing]

Ryan Gosling and 3: Santa’s coming so don’t you pow
it’s time to break the Mosins out
or club some seals and then we’ll shout
that’s what Canadian Christmas is about

Ryan Gosling: This was written by an Americans, you know? I don’t drink Mosin. I don’t club seals. I don’t say ‘abot’. Do you?

Mike Myers: No! No! I mean, it depends on what you’re talking about. But…

Ryan Gosling: Yeah, I bet you they made you wear that Maple Leaf jerseys too, you know? They think we’re this Cliche.

Mike Myers: Well actually, this is my jersey I wear pretty much everyday. Okay.

Ryan Gosling and 3: Put on your slippers and pass the kipper
it’s the trees three meters high
we’re in heavy sweaters in the freezy weather
if you go outside you’ll die.
Santa please, take the quickest route
if you get stuck, we’ll dig you out
if you get lost, we’ll send a scoot
that’s what Canadian Christmas is about. 

Mike Myers: Hah! Canadian Christmas dance number, go!

[Ryan Gosling and starts tap dancing turn by turn]

Hah!

[cheers and applause]

Let’s move on.

Ryan Gosling and 3: So, kiss the Tabag and cover your nogen with a hat

Mike Myers: You mean a tuke.

Ryan Gosling: That’s right.

Mike Myers: Then we’ll get real and club some seals
and drink mosins till we puke
Everybody!

[Other SNL members are coming in singing]

Everybody: Santa’s coming, there’s no doubt
it’s time to put the presents out
and in the morning, we all shout.
That’s what Canadian Christmas is about.

Ryan Gosling: We have a great show for you tonight. Leon Bridges is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back..

[cheers and applause]

Close Encounter

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Ms. Raperdy… Kate McKinnon

Tod… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with NSAs interrogating three citizens]

Aidy: I am agent Loris with the NSA and this is special agent Kerpatrick.  Now we know, you’ve all been through quite an ordeal. So, we appreciate you making a trip to Washington on such short notice.

Bobby: Yes. You three experienced the first verified case of alien abduction. So, naturally you are great interest of United States government.

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: It’s nuts, man! I mean, we’re just small town buds who saw a UFO in the woods. I mean, we never hand out with the government.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, now, after the blue light pulled you into the space craft, what is your next memory?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: I came to and saw a beautiful being made of like a beautiful calming light.

Tod: Yea, same here. That being touched my head and I felt every emotion in it’s purest form. It was amazing. I cried, sir.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. And you, Ms. Raperdy?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Ms. Raperdy is smoking a cigarette.]

Ms. Raperdy: Wow, what floor were you guys on? I woke up in a dirty middle dome and 40 little gray aliens watch me pee in a steel bowl. And they took the bowl and walked out.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Interesting. Were these beings also bathed in light?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No. They were grey with big fat eyes, little mouths. They just stared while I peed. I don’t think I was dealing with the top brass.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: And how did they instruct you to urinate? Was that telepathically?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: Um, no. I woke up, I had to pee like a camel. So, I started peeing and one of the grey aliens slapped the wall and pointed at the bowl. So I got the hint. I kind of duck-walked over the bowl, peed in it.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Yes, I see. Now, when you all awoke, were you clothed?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: I was wrapped in like, a robe, man. Warm, glowing energy.

Tod: Yeah, like a blanket made out of pure love.

Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, it worked different for me. Um, I had the shirt I came in with but my pants were gone. So, my cuckoo was out. It’s full porky pig in a drafty dome.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Now, did you all stay on the same ship the entire time? Or…?

[Cut to Sharon and Tod]

Tod: Well, you know, my body did but my consciousness was shown what lies beyond time and space. [sobbing] It was so beautiful. I’m sorry, I’m just crying about this thing a little bit.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Okay. Do you need a tissue?

[Cut to Sharon and Tod]

Tod: What? No. Sorry, I’ll use my shirt.

Sharon: Um, the aliens showed my mind the furness of all creation that we would call god.

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy looking at Sharon and Tod]

Ms. Raperdy: What? These fancy cats are seeing god. Meanwhile, I’m starting phase two which is me sitting on a stool while 40 grey aliens take turns gently batting my knockers. Did y’all get the knocker stuff?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: No.

Tod: No.

Sharon: No knocker stuff. Sorry.

[Cut to Aidy an Bobby]
Aidy: And, did you feel threatened, Ms. Raperdy?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No, no, no, no, no. They were real respectful about it. They were in a line and then one by one, they’d step up, slap a knocker, and then go to the end of line and wait for another turn. It didn’t hurt. It was like, I’m sorry, pardon me Sharon. [Cut to Sharon and Ms. Raperdy. Ms. Raperdy starting patting Sharon’s breasts.] It was like that. No harm, no foul.

Sharon: It huts a little. It hurts.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Perhaps they were collecting biological data?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No. No. It felt super off the books. I swear to god, there was one grey alien by a door just kind of peeking in and out. I think he was the look-out. Look, it’s one of my worst Wednesday night.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: And how did the aliens returned you all to earth?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]

Sharon: Oh, I was carried down gently. [Sharon looks at] He’s crying. I was carried down gently in a cradle of light placed into a soft bed of wallflowers.

Tod: Yeah. Yeah. The light layed me down like a baby in a meadow near my house. I was smiling and weeping tears of joy, sir.

Ms. Raperdy: Alright, now this miss me a little bit. Coz, my grand exit was out of what was basically like a big airplane toilet, okay? I dropped down seven feet on the roof of a long John Silvers. They threw out my pants separately. They missed the roof. My slacks landed on a freaking pine tree, 30 feet away. So, I had to just chill up there with my damn cuckoo hanging till the place open up.

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]

Sharon: Man!

Tod: Man, you got screwed.

Ms. Raperdy: Oh, you think Tod?

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Well, we’d like to take you guys for physical examinations now.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, alright. There’s gonna be a knocker stuff?

Aidy: Possibly. I’m sorry.

Ms. Raperdy: Na-na. Don’t be. Just be gentle. Tell me about god. What’s god deal?

[The End]