Cecily Strong Archives - Page 51 of 54 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Trump Press Conference Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 13

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

William Barr… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with press waiting for Donald Trump for his message]

Narrator: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking up to lectern]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. I’m here to declare a very urgent important national emergency. This is a big one so I don’t want to waste any time. That’s why first I would like to blow my own horn a little bit. I just had a great health exam. I’m still standing 6’7”, 185 pounds, shredded.

Also, we have another summit coming up in Hanoi with the North Korean leader, Chairman Kim, who by the way is very cool, misunderstood guy. I’m looking forward to seeing him next week. It is dinner for smugs as he calls.

Let’s cut to the chase folks. We need wall. Okay? We have tremendous amount of drugs flowing into this country from the southern border or the brown line as many people have asked me not to call it. That’s why we need wall. Because wall works. Wall makes safe. You don’t have to be smart to understand that, in fact it’s even easier to understand if you are not. You can see why I got to fake this national emergency run. I have to because I want to. It’s really simple.

We have a problem. Drugs are coming into this country through no wall. I asked President Xi if they had a drug problem in China. I’m not going to do the voice, but he said, “No, no, no. Me no like drugs. Me like death penalty.” It would have sounded better with the voice I think I must say. But imagine if we used the death penalty for nonviolent crimes here. You shot the [Hand gesturing as shooting guns] ‘bing-bing’ two in the back of the head. Just something to kick around.

I’m basically taking military money so I can have wall. I’m going to sign these papers for emergency and I will immediately be sued and it will not go in my favor and end up in the supreme court and call my buddy, Kavanaugh and I will say, “It’s under the pay of Donny”, and I’ll say “New phone, who dis?” And the Mueller report will be released, crumbling my house of cards and I can pled instantly and do a few months in the factory. And my personal hell of playing president will finally be over.

I should probably take a few soft ball questions right now. Who do we got here? Oh, NBC has their hand up, but they suck, so not them. ABC sucks too, but they have Agency Of Shield. We love the Shield though. So I guess I will start with you. Go ahead.

[Cut to press reporters. Cecily Strong is standing.]

Cecily Strong: Mr. President, do you feel like enough progress has been made in the talks with China to end the increase of tariffs by March 1st?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Look, you are asking the wrong guy. I friggin’ love tariffs. Not as much as wall, but I do love them. I know we will strike a big, big deal with China and no matter how awesome it is, it will be awesome. Chuck Schumer is going to say, and I will not do the voice, he will say something like “Oy Vay”. You know what? I’m going to do the voice. “Oy Vay, what do you mean, me suge that”. That’s just the kind of dirty, ugly, vicious toilet bowl politics they wanted me to do. Yes you, where are you from?

[Cut to press reporters. Mikey Day is standing.]

Mikey Day: Playboy magazine.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Sweet, sweet, sweet. Many nights in the Grot Oh, am I right?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. Numbers from your own border patrol say that illegal immigration is actually down.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, sit down. I don’t like that question. Sit down.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I didn’t ask my question yet.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Look, I just found out my campaign manager is going to die in prison, Okay? So, take it easy on me, will you?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m not going to sit until you answer m question.

Donald Trump: Sit down or I’m switching back to hustler. Look, before I take the question, I want to swerve way the heal out of my own way and point out that Attorney General William Barr, please stand up. [Cut to William Barr standing] Congratulations. This guy is going to do [Cut to Donald Trump] such a great job, but still he’s working for me, so I give him three months, tops. Dead man walking right there. [Cut to William Barr. He is scared] Next question. [Cut to Donald Trump] Let’s do a girl one. You.

[Cut to press reporters. Heidi Gardner is standing.]

Heidi Gardner: Wow. Very cool In your remarks today, you said you were too new to politics earlier in your administration. Is that an admission that you are in fact just kind of winging it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Doll. I’m learning. Let’s not forget, technically this is my first real job, okay? I remember when Obama explained president to me in the oval office, and won’t do the voice because I lost a bunch of you with the Schumer Impersonation, but I thought Obama was joking. Had I known then what I know now, I would have told Putin to give the job to Hillary instead. Next question.

[Cut to press reporters. Kyle Mooney is standing.]

Kyle Mooney: Mr. President, Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, seriously man? How do you keep getting in this room. I would love to build a wall around Jim.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: There is numbers showing undocumented immigrants committing crimes at much lower numbers than native born Americans.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, Jim. Those numbers are faker than this emergency. Look folks, we need major immigration reform, translation, wall. Do you know that right now we have something called chain migration? It says any bad person or gangster or wisenheimer can come in this country with 27 or 47 or Barr, give me a number.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: 91?

Donald Trump: 91. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’m told as many as 91 of their family members. I’m talking ‘abuelas’ and ‘bebes’ unless you give me wall. Now iF that doesn’t scare the crap out of the old white people, I don’t know what will. Anyway, in conclusion, this is a total emergency. A five-alarm blaze, which means I need to go to Mar A Lago to play some golf. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

State Meeting | Season 44 Episode 12

Kenan

Glen… Pete Davidson

Tom… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Phil… Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Halsey

[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]

Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.

Glen: You going to get mad?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Mr. T.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.

[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]

Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.

Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.

Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?

[Cut to everybody. Kyle raises his hand.]

Kyle Mooney: I have a question.

Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.

Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who is your hero?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.

Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?

Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Still wrong.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I just answered that.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What was the contest?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Blackest face.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Am I in hell?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you even ask?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: For next time.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.

Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.

[Cut to everyone]

Barbara: That is an awesome idea.

Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.

[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Or the 90s.

[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.]

[Cut to Kenan]

All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.

[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]

Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.

Tom: We can still do the voice, right?

Everyone: Yeah. Of course.

Women of Congress | Season 44 Episode 12

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Annie Kuster… Aidy Bryant

Abigail Spanberger… Heidi Gardner

Rashida Tlaib… Halsey

[Starts with intro of Women of Congress]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there were women. And then they became fed up women. And then they became congress women. They fight crime, they right wrongs. They wear white. But they\re not all white and we love them. They’re the Women of Congress! Featuring [Cut to Nancy Pelosi clapping] Nancy ‘Madam Clap Back’ Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: I’m so woke. I can’t close my eyes.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using her mobile phone]

Narrator: Alexandria ‘I Say What I meme’ [Alexandria throws her phone to hit the security guard] Ocasio-Cortez.

Melissa Villaseñor: You’retrying to rip apart my green new deal. Leave me alone, I will dog walk you.

[Cut to Maxine Waters showing off her kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Maxine ‘Don’t Go Chasing’ Waters.

Maxine Waters: They call me auntie Maxine but I’m gonna make Trump say ‘Uncle’.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema]

Narrator: Kyrsten ‘Kookie Arizona Lady’ Sinema.

Kyrsten Sinema: I used to be in the house. But now I’m in the senate. I’m bicameral, bipartisan, and bi. Deal with it.

[Cut to Ilhan Omar climbing the building from the outside]

Narrator: Ilhan ‘Get The Hi-Job Done’ Omar.

Ilhan Omar: I’m a proud Muslim woman and proud American. When Ted Cruz sees me, he crosses the street.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Narrator: Annie ‘Raise the Roof ’Kuster.

[Annie raising her hand up and down]

Annie Kuster: Raise the roof! And break that glass ceiling.

[Cut to Abigail Spanberger showing her Kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Abigail, ‘Say My Name, Say My Name’ Spanberger.

Abigail Spanberger: My opponents thought he could hurt me by saying a vote for me was a vote for Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy joins Abigail]

Nancy Pelosi: Uh-huh. How did that work out? Good?

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Narrator: And Rashida ‘Impeach The Mother****’ Tlaib.

Rashida Tlaib: Impeach the mother** [Bleep]. Bitch!

Narrator: They are the Women of Congress.

[Cut to video clip of White house]

[Cut to all Women of Congress inside a room]

Nancy Pelosi: Ladies, this is a message from President Trump.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi playing the voice message]

Donald Trump: Congratulations, women of congress. You know, since I’ve been president, we have more women serving in congress than ever before.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Annie Kuster: You don’t get to take credit for that.

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Rashida Tlaib: That is not because of you. That’s in spite of you!

[Cut to everyone complaining out loud] [Cut to Rashida Tlaib breaks the speaker from there the message isplayin]

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: And you’re not rich!

[Cut to outro of The Women of Congress]

Narrator: They are the women of congress!

Meet The Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 12

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Eugene Robinson… Kenan Thompson

Peggy Noonal… Cecily Strong

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Matt Whitaker… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his news set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, and welcome to Meet the Press. I’m Chuck Todd and I’m still figuring out my whole look. As always, I’m joined by the leading journalists in the world. Pulitzer prize winning columnist for The Washington Post. Eugene Robinson.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Best selling author and colonist for the “Wall Street Journal,” Peggy Noonan.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: Hi Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And political strategist, author and former chair of the DNC, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Great to be here.

Chuck Todd: All right. Let’s start with what [Cut to everybody] everyone’s talking about and a new low for journalism, the ‘National Enquirer’ [Cut to Chuck Todd] was accused this week of blackmailing Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. You are all highly respected journalists. So when all is said and done, what do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is going to look like?

[Cut to Donna Brazile, she looks confused]

Donna Brazile: Excuse me?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I know, normally high minded journalists would not talk about something like this, but it does involve the richest man in America and the president of the United States. So, Jeff Bezos’ penis. [Cut to Peggy Noonan] What do you think it’s going to look like?

Peggy Noonan: I’m going to jump right in, Chuck. Now, when I hear billionaire’s penis, I immediately think small potatoes. Like they say, if it’s small and looks funny, you better have the money, honey.

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Small potatoes?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, your thoughts?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Well as a journalist, this is not something I thought I would have to cover. But as a human being, I’m naturally curious. Is he working with something the size of an Amazon Echo or is it more of a dot?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: My money is on Echo. Now, there are obviously major implications for the story beyond Jeff Bezos’s penis. It brings us back to blackmail and invasion of privacy and potentially even crimes committed by foreign agents. My question is, what do you think the coloration is like?

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Oh, my god, Chuck?

Peggy Noonan: I will take this one. I think it’s going to be [Cut to Peggy Noonan] splotchy, Chuck. A man his age, plus he’s a runner and it’s probably jangled around a lot down there over time. That’s going to lead to patchy sections.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: No, no. I completely disagree, Peggy. He’s a man of means, so I’m sure there are oils and precious minerals that can smooth and replenish that.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: What is happening right now.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, what do you think this says about our country in general?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s a disgraceful. It’s awful. I mean this is a clear violation of someone’s privacy.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And what about when the pictures do come out?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: I will look at them. I will make them into hilarious memes and send them to all my friends.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Now, obviously the mainstream media has a responsible to handle the story in a mature, adult manner. As you can see, from the New York post headline, [Chuck takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’ out] ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’. Eugene, what do you think of that?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s insane. You call yourself a respectable publication? I would have gone with your [Eugene takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Amazon package is on its way’ out] ‘Amazon package is on its way’. That’s you just me.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: That’s interesting see. I would have done [Peggy takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’ out] ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Did you guys make your own fake headlines?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: All right, let’s pivot away from penises for a moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Awe!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And focus on the state of the union. The president used the speech to champion his tax cuts and policy of deregulation. Here to explain further is the secretary of commerce, billionaire Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: Hello. I’m sorry. Before we started the producer put something in my ear and I have been hearing ghosts.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Wilbur, that’s just an earpiece so you can hear what we are seeing.

Wilbur Ross: But it sounded like you kept saying penis.

Chuck Todd: Yes, we were talking about the Jeff Bezos story.

Wilbur Ross: I don’t want to talk about penises. I’m not one of the guys. I like watching sports and drinking a cold glass of blood.

Chuck Todd: Okay great. So, Mr. Ross, you are familiar with this story then?

Wilbur Ross: Yes, of course. I know what a dick pic is. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] When you hire the services of 10 homeless gentlemen and they show you their penises and you pick one and say, “Let’s switch”, and you give them $100 and now their penis is your penis. But choose carefully because if it’s too big, you will fall over.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Okay, my thanks to Mr. Ross. [Cut to Chuck Todd] Of course yesterday congressional testimony from acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker turned extremely contentious. Here with his side of the story is Matt Whitaker.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: Yeah, what?

Chuck Todd: Mr. Whitaker?

Matt Whitaker: Hurry up, Chuck. I don’t got a lot of time.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right]

Chuck Todd: Very true. You are almost done with your tenure in the Justice Department.

Matt Whitaker: Yes, that’s right. I was U.S. Attorney General for three months and soon I will go back to my job of breaking up fights on the Jerry Springer show.

Chuck Todd: Sir, the Justice Department investigates the claims that Jeff Bezos has made against the enquirer and the president.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: I don’t have a lot of Sympathy for Jeff Bezos. Every time I post a photo of myself it gets flagged as a dick pic.

Chuck Todd: Just to be clear, president Trump [Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right] ever directed you interfere in the Mueller investigation?

Matt Whitaker: Well, you know what, chuck? [Cut to Matt Whitaker] I’m going to say something I left out of my testimony. This is going to blow everything out of the water here. Mr. Trump called me and whispered to me –

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I’m sorry to interrupt, but the Bezos pics have actually come out at this very moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Oh, Christmas in February!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Let’s stay on this topic for the entire show and live from New York, it’s a Saturday Night.

Virgin Hunk | Season 44 Episode 8

Dalton… James McAvoy

Hanna C… Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Jessica C… Heidi Gardner

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Adocku… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Virgin Hunk intro]

Narrator: A 26 year old virgin whose job is exercises, has to choose between 30 women who didn’t vote. This season on ‘Virgin Hunk’.

[Cut to Dalton in suit with a rose]

Dalton: Hi, I’m Dalton and I’m from Turd River, Colorado. There are a few reasons that I could be a virgin, so just pick one and go with that. I’m ready to find love with one of these randos.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Hanna C: I missed you.

Dalton: Oh, tell me something about you.

Hanna C: I’m Hanna C. [Cut to Hanna C] I’m 31 so I’m almost dead. My ex-boyfriend is Dirty John. But he dumped me because I’m too clingy.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Dalton: I have such a connection with you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Kate sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Yeah, I had so much fun on [Cut to Dalton] our date today. Skydiving with Post Malone. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, I’m from Rest Area, Missouri. And I can’t wait until you visit my hometown where you’ll see that all my busted brothers have a crush on me.

[Jessica C. comes in]

Jessica C.: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves and Jessica sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Okay. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Jessica C.]

Jessica C.: I’m Jessica C. and I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been myself even once.

[Cut to Dalton and Jessica]

Dalton: [Looking at the pageant sash that probably says ‘Miss Virginia’. Jessica has her hand over the title] Well, I can see that you’re Miss Virginia.

Jessica C.: Oh, almost. [Jessica takes her hand off. The pageant sash says ‘Miss Vagina’.]

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Jessica leaves and Aidy sits with Dalton] I missed you. I loved our date today where I dry humped you at medieval times.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Yeah, I’m sorry my pants exploded, I’m super backed up. So tell me about yourself?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I’m 20-frunk years old. And I’m a content creator. And that content is porn.

[Hanna C. walks in]

Hanna C: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Aidy leaves and Hanna C sits with Dalton again] I missed you.

Dalton: So what makes you you?

Hanna C: Well, I mostly do P.R. Puerto Ricans.

Dalton: Oh, cool. So how’s it going in the house?

[Cut to Hanna C]

Hanna C: Actually I do have something to confess. I grew up with Kaitlyn S. and she’s a toxic lying bitch with no teeth. Does that make you like me more?

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Melissa sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You can probably tell because I’m the only Brunette here that my family fled from Cuba. But don’t worry, I’m anti-immigration. If I could have closed the door behind me, I would have.

[Adocku walks in]

Adocku: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Melissa leaves and Adocku sits with Dalton] I missed you. Do you remember my name?

Dalton: You know I don’t . And if I guess, you’ll guess I’m a racist.

Adocku: My name id Adocku.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Wow. I’m never going to say that.

[Cut to Adocku and Dalton]

Adocku: Okay, I’m Katie now.

Dalton: Hey, I like that.

Adocku: Anyway, I’m black and have short hair, so I just want to say goodbye. Okay.

Dalton: Van’s out front. [Adocku leaves. Aidy Bryant joins Dalton]

Aidy Bryant: Hi, it’s me from before, but more drunk.

Dalton: So we’re on a date. Tell me the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, it’s tough to say. It’s either my awkward phase or when my mom combusted in front of me.

[Cut to Dalton and Aidy]

Dalton: That sounds really hard.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, so, mouth stuff now or – [with idea of kissing]

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I need more time. [Kate takes her keys out, shows it to Aidy then throws it] I’m going to get that.

[Aidy leaves and Kate sits with Dalton]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, I brought you this peach because I live in Georgia. [Kate gives Dalton a peach] And this is a banana [Kate takes a banana out] because if you pick me then—[Kate gestures sexual idea to Dalton]

[Cut to Kate and Dalton]

Dalton: Oh, this is making me fall for you. I’m not saving myself until marriage. I’m saving myself until the producers say go.

Kate McKinnon: I have a secret. I’m also a virgin.

Dalton: Why, what’s wrong with you? I’ll walk you out.

[Dalton and Kate leave]

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall | Season 44 Episode 11

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, the government is back up and running. Trump has agreed to a short term deal to end the government shutdown with no wall funding. Here to elaborate, is the love of my life, and the lady who’s always screaming outside of my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne joins Michael Che. Cathy looks like she is a drug addict.]

Cathy Anne: It it ain’t the one that got away? You know what Michael Che? You know what blows my mind the most, I can’t believe all of this is over a damn wall. Right? [Cut to Cathy] Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack. Right? He’s like, [Making impression of a drug addict] “Where’s that wall? Give me that wall. It’s not even that good wall.”