Tag: episode 12

Italian Waiters

Ego: This place is so cute.

Heidi: Look at all those grapes on the wall.

[waiter walks in]

Pedro: Oh, buona sera. Please. Welcome to Angeleno’s Real Italian restaurant. And this is the most beautiful table I have ever seen. You take my breath away. Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella.. Smart. I’ll be right back with the menu.

Sarah: Did he say smart?

Chloe: That’s a compliment.

Ego: Maybe he likes you more.

Marcello: Buongiorno, mi scusi. I have water for you. Bellissima, Bellissima, Bellissima, Bellissima, and the funny one.

Sarah: Sorry, do I look weird today or something?

Heidi: Of course, not.

Chloe: No, no way.

Pedro: Now, let me guess. [to Ego] You are a model.

Ego: You are sweet. No.

Pedro: You are a statue.

Ego: No. I’m a nurse.

Pedro: No, this is a crime. Okay, I try again. [to Sarah] You are a writer.

Sarah: No, I’m actually an actor. I was even in a movie.

Pedro: Yes. Babadook.

Sarah: I’m not the Babadook. Just go. What is my vibe today?

Marcello: Ladies, I want to introduce you to chef Dino. He wants to give you gift, a little bite.

Kenan: Yes. For such beautiful, you deserve something very special.

Heidi: Oh, pretty.

Kenan: This for you. This for you. And for you, Chili.

Sarah: Chili? This is huge.

Kenan: Oh yes, a big boy chili. Enjoy.

Sarah: Why do they even have that here?

Heidi: I think it was nice they made you something special.

Ego: Yeah.

Pedro: Ladies, do you have a question about the menu?

Chloe: Oh, yes. Can I get the spaghetti with extra meatballs?

Pedro: Anything for you? Now, I have a question. Will you marry me?

Chloe: Oh, that is so sweet. But I’m already married.

Pedro: Oh, lucky, man.

Sarah: Actually, I’m married too.

Pedro: Oh, to your career?

Sarah: Oh my god.

Heidi: Jen, I don’t know what’s going on. Those two guys seriously just have weird taste.

Mikey: Buonanotte, Buonanotte, candles for the ladies. And let me just unscrew this light. [takes away the bulb that’s just aboe Sarah.] Much better. Ain’t seen you order. Your Harley Davidson is leaking oil all over the street. Can you move it?

Sarah: I don’t drive a Harley.

Mikey: My mistake.

Sarah: Whatever. Where is our waiter?

Pedro: Yes, what can I do for you?

Sarah: Can we just order? And by the way, I actually am beautiful.

Pedro: Everyone is beautiful. And you most of all, because it’s the kind that’s on the inside.

Sarah: You know what? I’ve had enough insult. I’m just gonna go home and have a salad.

Pedro: Oh, this is so sad. Was it something I said?

Ego: Yeah, everything you said. Why were you like that to her?

Pedro: Oh, I must confess. Whenever there’s a group of women, we team up against one and flattered the others for more tips. Is that bad?

Ego: Oh. I see.

Chloe: I mean, it was definitely working on me. I was gonna give the biggest tip of my life.

Heidi: But hey, you seriously misread our friend by the way. [engine starting] What was that?

Marcello: Oh, it is your friend. She’s outside. Look.

Pedro: So smart.

Marcello: Big boy chili.

Male voice: Big Boy Chili, for your prettiest friend.

HBO Mario Kart Trailer

Mario… Pedro Pascal

Princess… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: HBO’s The Last of Us is a hit, proving a video game can become a prestige dystopian drama. HBO is doing it again with another iconic game.

Female voice: It’s been 10 years since our kingdom fell. The only thing we have left, hope.

Heidi: I have important cargo I need smuggled to Rambo road. People say you used to drive?

Mario: People say a lot of things.

Heidi: You got a name?

Mario: It’s a me Mario. So what’s the cargo?

Heidi: Not what? Who? She’s a princess. Really, she was? Until he took over.

Mario: We’ll never make it on foot.

Heidi: You won’t have to.

[Heidi shows him a Mario Kart]

Mario: Let’s a-go.

Male voice: From the producers of “The Last of Us” and the master storytellers behind Mario Kart 1 through 8.

Princess: What’s it like out here?

Mario: Carting out out here isn’t a game. We’re gonna make it? We need all the help we can get.

Luigi: It’s a Luigi time.

Mario: Everything on this road wants us dead.

Princess: What is the thing?

Luigi: Goomba, cinci and fungus with shoes for legs.

Male voice: All your favorite wacky racers reimagined as complex dramatic HBO characters.

Yoshi: I’m Yoshi. I’m bisexual.

Toad: My name’s Toad. Also, I’m bisexual.

Male voice: “HBO pick the wrong game to do this with”, reads Variety. “Yeah, this ain’t it,” adds the New York Times.

Princess: [seeing Mario eat the mushroom] You eat that poison?

Mario: It makes me feel big, okay? I need to feel big. Because Bowser is out there. And he’s the main bad guy.

Mario narrating: When we’re out there in our carts…

Luigi: Woohoo, I love this.

Mario narrating: … I need you to trust me.

Mario: Hold on. Ah!

Mario narrating: I’ll get you to Rainbow Road.

Toad: There’s a shell on my seat.

Mario: You can do it.

Toad: No. It’s red.

[Toad’s cart gets destroyed]

Princess: What if we crash?

Mario: Little guy in a cloud comes and uses a fishing pole to put you back on the road.

Princess: Oh, okay.

Fancam Assembly

Mr. Ben … Pedro Pascal

James: Okay students is St. Lawrence High School, welcome to your assembly about student technology use. [students booing] Settled down, all right? Here to give the presentation, please welcome your favorite teacher Mr. Ben. [students cheering]

Bowen: Mr. Ben, he has rizz.

Mr. Ben: Thank you, I think. Okay, let’s start. First rule do not access inappropriate content online. And do not bully on social media.

Ego: Come on, girl, eat it up.

Mr. Ben: Thank you. I think. And here’s a new rule. As of today, do not make fancams of school staff such as this.

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Bowen: No, skinny legend, why are you doing this?

Mr. Ben: Because you have made thousands of fancams of me and I’m not sure what they mean, but I know it has to stop.

Sarah: But we make them because you’re our beloved and you have us in a chokehold.

Mr. Ben: Okay, don’t say that. I just don’t understand why do you make sparkly fast romantic montages of me every single day? Like this?

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Devon: I mean, we don’t make them every day.

Bowen: Yeah, just on the days you send us or give us life.

Mr. Ben: What does that mean?

Ego: Don’t worry. It just means your foot is always on our necks. See?

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Mr. Ben: Is that is that me right now? How did you make that so fast? And how did you take over access to the monitor?

Devon: Mr. Ben, why are you so mad? You’re in your assembly era?

Mr. Ben: I’m not mad. I’m confused. Is “the way I ate this up” a compliment because it was nom nom delish and had you gagged?

Ego: Exactly, we love you down, Mr. Ben?

Sarah: You’re so father, period.

Mr. Ben: Okay, see but if fancams are- If fan- If okay. If fan cams are because I’m father then why did you make thin cams of Lady lunch Polina?

Bowen: Because Paulina is mother.

[TikTok video of Polina playing on screen]

Polina: Kids on phone, too much grow up wrong.

Mr. Ben: Guys, I’m trying to understand the fan cams for good or bad. Did you make a Fan Cam of lunch lady Polina to make fun of her?

Bowen: No, we made it because she ate us up and left no crumbs.

Mr. Ben: Left no crumbs? Okay, that’s it. Fancams are officially banned from school.

Students: No.

Devon: Well, Mr. Ben, we thought you were different, but you’re just like everyone else. Mid.

Mr. Ben: I’m sorry. I want to be a cool teacher. I know I’m your bias and then I always munch on it. But I just don’t get it. Why does your generation have to make everyone a celebrity? Why do you film everything? Why?

Bowen: Fine? You really want to know? It’s because COVID.

Mr. Ben: What? What do you mean?

Sarah: Because three years, COVID made us online forever.

Ego: Because COVID locked us down when we were 11, and now we’re 14, so now we have to make you daddy.

Bowen: Because mommy works remotely all day and doesn’t have time to eat it up no crumbs left. So we made you daddy and Ms. Jenny mommy.

Mr. Ben: What? Why is Ms. Jenny mommy?

Ms. Jenny: Guys. We told you, there is nothing going on between me and Mr. Ben.

Devon: Oh really? That explain this.

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben and Ms. Jenny playing on screen]

Mr. Ben: Honey, they’d been through so much. Let’s just tell them the truth. Ms. Jenny and I were in love.

[students teasing them]

Ms. Jenny: Fine, it’s true. He’s Daddy. I’m Mommy. And we’re all a happy family. No crumbs left.

Students: Yayy!

Weekend Update Peyton Manning on the NFL Playoffs

Colin Jost

Peyton Manning

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week’s NFL games were some of the most exciting football ever and the playoffs continue tomorrow with the AFC and NFC championships. Here to comment is Hall of Fame quarterback and two time Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning.

[Peyton Manning slides in]

Peyton Manning: Thank you everyone. Thank you. Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m very happy you’re here. Peyton, you probably have a better perspective on this than almost anyone in history. How great were those games?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I heard they were incredible.

Colin Jost: You heard?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, sounds like all the teams did a great job. Lots of passing and all the touchdowns were in the end zone.

Colin Jost: So, you didn’t watch any of the games?

Peyton Manning: Well, I plan to. But I had an hour to kill before the first game and just for fun, I put on the first episode of Emily in Paris, season two. And I watched the entire season straight through. Oh my god, Colin. This show has everything. Romance, adventure, sensuality, culture. A fresh take on feminism, finally. Not gonna mention a culinary tapestry so rich, I can only describe it as food porn.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, I’m glad you liked Emily in Paris. But in football news, did you hear the rumors that Tom Brady might be retiring?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I’m not sure it’s true. I think it’s probably just speculation. But if it were me, I probably would retire if it gave me more time to watch Emily in Paris. I really think for Tom right now. It’s just a tough decision between balancing his career and relationships. Sort of like Emily. Let me break it down for you. This is a classic showdown between Emily’s career and her love life. Early on the O’s were getting completely dominated by the axis. And there were a lot of X’s if, you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: I do not know.

Peyton Manning: Gabrielle, Matthew, kiddo, Timothy, Doug from Chicago, obviously. Now Emily wants to go deep on a relationship with Gabrielle and to get ahead at work. But as long as Camille is blocking her, she’s got to go through her progressions and check down to Alfie in the flat. Sure. It feels like a broken play and she’s just dumping it off. But emotionally she’s making forward progress.

Colin Jost: How much time did you spend on this?

Peyton Manning: And don’t even get me started on the coaching, okay? Her friend Mindy seriously told Emily to break her pinky promise to forget about Gabrielle and stay true to Alfie? Saclay blue man. It’s time of season two. You got to call a time out there. Ooh, la la? More like, “Oh no, you didn’t girl.”

Colin Jost: Oh man, I don’t know.

Peyton Manning: But you know what’s not sitting on the sidelines? The fashion. Stripped parachute pants, plaid newsboy hat, fur trim cardigan and fingerless driving gloves? She might not be driving a car, but she sure knows how to drive an episode down the field with these lutes. By the way, that’s look, but it’s spelled L-E-W-K.

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks, man. I got it. Honestly, I just cannot believe that you just spent Colin Jost0 straight hours watching Emily in Paris. You could have seen Josh Allen, Patrick Mahomes, one of the best quarterback duels in history.
Peyton Manning: Sure, watching football was the safe thing to do. That’s what everyone expected me to do. But if I’ve learned anything from Emily, it’s to follow my passions and always be true to myself. The French How to saying, “Polly boo francais”, Which means you do you girl.

Colin Jost: No. I’m pretty sure that just means “Do you speak French?”

Peyton Manning: I don’t speak French Colin. But thanks to Emily, I speak love.

Colin Jost: Wow. Alright, so you think that season two was even better than season one?

Peyton Manning: Wait, there’s a season one?

Colin Jost:  Peyton Manning, everyone.

Peyton Manning: Go Bills!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Peloton Heart Attacks Alcoholic Mountain Dew

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peloton is concerned after the TV show Billions became the second series in recent weeks to show a character having a heart attack while using their exercise bike. And they’re extremely worried about how they factor into Season 2 of Squid Game.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Item from the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s personal library are being auctioned off. They’re selling the books and the desk, but to honor Ginsburg’s legacy they’re gonna hang on to the seat for way longer than they should. [he puts on the glasses similar to Ginsburg’s] I’ll put on the glasses.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “Horse that played seabiscuit dies”]

The horse that played Seabiscuit in the 2003 film has died at the age of 24. So let’s pour one out for a legend. [Picture changes to a pouring glue]

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a Full House mansion at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The creator of Full House is selling his Beverly Hills mansion which was built on the site of a Manson Family murder. Wow, it is crazy to think that house has connections to a sick twisted criminal. I’m sure she’s fine.

[Picture changes to a burger]

McDonald’s has introduced a new sandwich that combines beef, fish and chicken that they’re calling the land air and sea. Wait is air the chicken? Does McDonald’s think chickens fly? Or do they think this is a chicken? [Picture changes to pigeon]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dolphin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study of female bottlenose dolphins suggests that their clitoris can experience pleasure during sexual stimulation. But sadly their fins can’t reach.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new can of drink at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Mountain Dew’s Baja Blast is being converted into a new alcoholic Seltzer, which is then being converted into your third DUI.

Willem Dafoe Monologue

Willem Dafoe

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Willem Dafoe.

[Willem Dafoe walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Willem Dafoe: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be back home in New York. This is where I started. I moved here when I was 21, had no money and rented an apartment on 10th Avenue A for 200 bucks a month. And that’s where I learned how to act. For example, I had to act like I enjoyed having a bathtub in my kitchen. I got started in experimental theater. I was an original member of the Wooster Group. And that background really taught me how to throw myself into a role. Some people tell me that my acting is over the top. But to me, one man’s over the top is another man’s engaged performance. For instance, in this scene, people assume I’m about to toss somebody off a building. When in reality, I was just reading a really good book. I can’t help them have an expressive face. I can’t control it. I don’t think about controlling it. I’m not one of those subtle actors like Nicolas Cage or Al Pacino. Maybe that’s why people come up to me and say, “You know what role you’d be perfect for? The Joker.” Always nice to hear that you get the vibe of a sociopath.

Listen, I wanna thank you all for coming out in the snowstorm. When I was a kid in Appleton, Wisconsin, winters were–

Aidy: Excuse me! Did someone say Appleton Wisconsin?

Willem Dafoe: Yeah, I did.

Aidy: Well, you’re never going to believe this. But we are from Appleton too.

Mikey: Yeah. Born and raised.

Willem Dafoe: That’s nice. You came here to support one of your own.

Mikey: No, no, we got tickets from the lottery.

Aidy: Yeah, I had no idea you were hosting but we’re huge fans. We’ve seen all your Spider-Man movies. Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man the new one.

Willem Dafoe: You know I have done other films.

Mikey: Oh, yeah, we know. We know we loved you in full metal jacket.

Willem Dafoe: I actually wasn’t in that one. Maybe you’re thinking of Platoon.

Mikey: No, no.

Aidy: And you were great in the Passion of the Christ.

Willem Dafoe: I wasn’t in that one either. I was in “Last Temptation of Christ.”

Aidy: Well what about “Speed 2: Cruise Control?”

Mikey: Yeah, that was you in Speed 2, right?

Willem Dafoe: That was me.

Aidy: Well, Appleton is just so proud of you. I mean, you’re out there making movies with big Hollywood stars like Timothy Chalamet and Shrek.

Mikey: We just wish you still had your Wisconsin accent.

Willem Dafoe: Oh, well, I can I can still speak Wisconsin.

Aidy: Oh, well, can you do for it us?

Mikey: Oh yeah, I bet everyone back home would just flip if you did a real Wisconsin accent on TV.

Willem Dafoe: Okay, sure. Ay you guys? Let’s go down to Graham Bose and get a drink from the bubbler.

Aidy: You still got it.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, has anyone told you, you should play the Joker?

Willem Dafoe: We got a great show for you tonight. Katy Perry is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.

Russian Disinformation Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Alex Moffat

Mikayla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with officials holding a meeting at the president’s office]

Kenan: Mr. President the situation in Ukraine is growing tension by the hour. Putin has amassed over hundredthousand troops at the border.

Ego: We’re even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded. But those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired. So, take it with a grain of salt.

Ego: What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?

Kenan: Well, every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany. They’re staying out of it.

Joe Biden: Oh, man. Germany doesn’t want to go to war. You know, it’s bad.

Alex: Sir, if I may, Russia’s military presence may be the least of our problems.

Ego: We’ve been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine. And there are some lies, Ukrainians don’t know what to believe anymore.

Joe Biden: Russia tried that during our last election too. But it didn’t work.

Kenan: Well, 40% of Americans think you lost the election. So, it kinda did.

Alex: Take a look at these posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook. [They’re reading news headlines] Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops.

Ego: Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug.

Alex: Ukrainian president horny for drama, wants war: “Slap me harder, Daddy.”

Joe Biden: I’m gonna break my New Year’s resolution and say it. Malarkey!

Ego: They’re also bringing our country into it. American CDC strongly recommends Russia invade Ukraine.

Kenan: Wait, didn’t the CDC really recommend that?

Joe Biden: For a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.

Alex: There was also this. Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrender.

Ego: And this one’s unbelievable. Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of love? 100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you, at soldiersonly.com.

Joe Biden: My god. I mean, it is a good idea for a website.

Alex: They’re even turning our most beloved heroes against us. I don’t always get invaded but when I do I prefer Russia.

Ego: Not to mention this. Why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away? Nothing is sacred to them. Not even guy checking out hot girl.

Alex: And it’s not only meme sir. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok?

[Cut to a tiktok where two guys are dressed Russian and Ukrainian army and dancing together]

Joe Biden: What the hell was that?

Alex: Sir, it’s a video with 8.7 million views.

Joe Biden: No, no, I mean, what the hell was that dancing? Choreography wasn’t even crisp. Gonna log in and flame those guys in the comments.

Ego: Unfortunately, Mr. President, this goes beyond social media. Look at this commercial that’s airing on Ukrainian MTV.

[Cut to a made up video]

Kyle: I can’t take it anymore, Bae. I’m a typical Ukrainian teenager and I have no hope for my future.

Kate: Tell me about its years. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.

Kyle: Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!

Kate: That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away, mining arsenic and potash. And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to the end.

Kyle: But Russia is too popular. We’ll never get in.

Kate: You’re right. If only Russia could come to us.

Female voice: Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Cuz Russia can get it Periodt.

Joe Biden: That’s ridiculous. Now which one of those two was Zendaya?

Alex: Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television. I mean, look at this one.

[Cut to another commercial]

Pete: Oh, no. I am American ball toss player Aaron Rodgers. And my car is broken down in Ukraine. Only one thing to do, like a good neighbor. Russia is there.

Chris: Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?

Pete: Jay from Russia? Can you get me out of this Ukraine?

Chris: Of course, I will take you to meet our president. He would love to see a Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while.

Pete and Chris: [singing] Like a good neighbor, you are there, Russia.

Pete: Yes, there we go.

Joe Biden: Wait. So, you’re telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe that’s the real Aaron Rodgers.

Kenan: Apparently, that is the real Aaron Rodgers. I guess he left the Packers to play for Russia.

Joe Biden: So, what can we do to fight back against all these propaganda.

Ego: Well, we have to fight fire with fire. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to our new Secretary of Defense, Mikayla.

[Mikayla walks in]

Mikayla: Hi. I’m Mikayla, spelled the worst way. I a junior at a vicious Girls High School and y’all work for me now.

Joe Biden: Oh, hold on, hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.

Mikayla: Ahem-ahem. They do and it’s rough. Look at what your agents made. “I like democracy then. Then don’t side with me, I’m Russia?”

Kenan: Oh my god. That’s choogy.

Mikayla: Facts, literally facts. I know. The only thing more pathetic was our attempt at TikTok.

[Cut to a TikTok video of a woman who doing 2021 to 2022 transformation.]

Kenan: What does that even mean? Almost looks like if Russia invades it will turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Joe Biden: Let’s just do something fun and simple that everyone can get by. Like a drone strike.

Mikayla: Okay, okay, Mr. President, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine. Like, we don’t believe in drone strikes. We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically. That’s why I’m gonna DM Putin and say, “Oh my god, I loved your outfit the other day. Was that Old Navy?” Already, he’s spiraling. He’s all like, “Do they think I’m poor?” In three weeks he will have completely lost his mind.

Joe Biden: You done this before?

Mikayla: Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Office Song

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Jeremiah… Willem Dafoe

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of employees in their office]

Heidi: Okay, gang, these are all the files for the Innotech case. We’re looking for any transactions that point to funneling of funds into improper overseas accounts.

Melissa: These files go back six years. This is gonna take all night.

Andrew: I mean, if we’re lucky.

Kyle: Guys, I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do. But I did ask our new temp, Jeremiah, to order pizza.

Jeremiah: Done and done boss. I hope 24 biggies are enough.

Punkie: It seems like plenty, Jeremiah. Yo. And I think it’s great that you’re reentering the workforce at your age.

Jeremiah: Well, thank you ma’am. Retirement wasn’t for me. So I thought what the heck? I don’t know. I’m excited.

Heidi: Okay, well, come on everybody. Grab a box and dig in. The clock’s ticking. We might as well get started.

Andrew: Great.

[Andrew starts to play a beat with his pencil on the desk]

Punkie: Okay. Okay. Wait.

[Punkie makes clicking sounds with the stapler]

[Melissa makes tinging sound with the glass]

[Jeremiah is looking around smiling. He’s enjoying.]

Heidi: [singing] Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: I like that.

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Andrew: Pumpada-pumpada-pow

Kyle: In the jungle, the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

Kyle and Melissa: In the jungle, the quiet jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

[Jeremiah getting too excited throws a chair out of the window breaking the glass.]
do not eat in the jungle the quiet jungle

Heidi: Jerimiah!

Punkie: Why did you do that?

Jeremiah: I was trying to join in. I thought it would bounce off the window and make a cool sound.

Andrew: We’re 15 stories up, man. He’s gonna kill someone.

Heidi: What were you gonna do? Throw another chair every eight bar?

Jeremiah: Well, if it sounded cool, I would have.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Ay, who threw a damn chair out this damn building?

Melissa: I’m sorry sir. Our temp had a little bit of a mishap.

Kenan: A mishap? Man, that chair just crushed my brand new Mercedes S class.

Jeremiah: We were signing an impromptu songs sir. Made it up on the spot. Then someone threw a chair. Do we remember who? Who did that?

Kenan: Man! You did a million dollars worth of damage.

Andrew: Sir, please. Look, I know this is bad. But it is his first day. Remember my first day? I was so nervous. I kept calling you daddy. You gave me a second chance.

Heidi: He’s got a point sir. What do you say?

Kenan: Hmm. I’m gonna regret this. But I’ll see you all here tomorrow.

[The next day]

Kenan: All right, let’s see it.

Andrew: Okay, Jeremiah. You can do this. Ready?

[They try to teach Jeremiah how to make sounds using office tools. But Jeremiah mistakenly throws the table top name plate at Heidi and she falls out of the window.]

All: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. She’s okay. She’s hanging on the ledge.

Jeremiah: I’ll throw another chair to help her climb out.

All: Jeremiah, no!

Kenan: Put the chair down.

Andrew: The worst temp ever!

Nugenix

Mark… Mikey Day

Frank Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Doug Flutie… Kyle Mooney

William Defoe

[Starts with a guy playing golf video game. Frank Thomas walks in.]

Mark: Whoa! Frank Thomas?

Frank Thomas: That’s me. What’s your name?

Mark: I’m Mark. I’m a huge fan.

Frank Thomas: I get that a lot.

Mark: Well, I don’t want to bother you. But you look great.

Frank Thomas: Well, in my age, I try to stay in the gym as much as possible.

Mark: I hear you. But once I turned William Defoe0…

Frank Thomas:  Let me get this energy? Put on a few pounds?

Mark:  You said it.

Frank Thomas: Lower drive? Can’t get hard anymore?

Mark: Well, lower drive.

Frank Thomas: It’s not your fault. It happens to every man. Testosterone levels drop as you age. That’s why you can’t get hard anymore.

Mark: I didn’t say that. [Doug Flutie walks in] Holy crap! Doug Flutie.

Doug Flutie: Yes.

Frank Thomas: Mark You just turned William Defoe0.

Doug Flutie: Let me guess you can’t get hard anymore.

Frank Thomas: Bingo.

Mark: No. I never said that.

Doug Flutie: It’s okay. It happens to every man.

Mark: Right. I can still get hard.

Frank Thomas: Sure you can, Mark. You just need a little boost. We all do, to get hard.

Mark: No, seriously. Guys, I’m actually fine down there.

Doug Flutie: You don’t have to lie to us, Mark. It’s okay. See, as you get older–

Mark: Testosterone levels drop. Yeah, I know. He already said it.

[William Defoe walks in]

William Defoe: What are you guys talking about?

Mark: Oh my god, Sir William Defoe.

William Defoe: Sir Willem? I’m not even British.

Mark: Oh, why did I think you were British?

William Defoe: I don’t know, man.

Doug Flutie: This is Mark. He came up to us and told us he couldn’t get hard anymore.

Mark: Stop saying that.

William Defoe: Let me guess you just turn the big three-O.

Mark: Thirty?

William Defoe: It happens every man. Especially me.

Mark: I’m sorry. How do you guys all know each other?

Doug Flutie: From boner stuff. We met at a meeting.

William Defoe: Yeah, we all have the same problems as you.

Mark: Okay. I want to say again, for the record, I can still get very hard.

William Defoe: Damn right, you can. Now, with Nugenix.

Mark: Nugenix? What’s Nugenix?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now you’re interested. Huh?

William Defoe: He’s all yours now?

Mark: No, I was just asking because–

Doug Flutie: At first he was like, “No way. I can get hard all the time.”

Frank Thomas: Right? And now he’s like, “Um, what’s Nugenix?”

William Defoe: “Please tell me more, sir.”

Mark: Alright, well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Melissa: Honey. What’s taking so long?

Doug Flutie: We’re trying to help your husband get hard again.

Melissa: What? [looks at William Defoe] Oh my god, aren’t you–

William Defoe: Sir Willem Defoe. Pleasure is all mine, my lady.

Melissa: Ooh, charmer.  Even more handsome in person?

[sound of a machine engine]

Mark: What the hell is that?

William Defoe: That’s Nugenix.

Mark: What?

William Defoe: That sound. It’s me getting hard.

Melissa: I’m sorry, what?

Doug Flutie: See, when a man reaches a certain age, you can never get hard again.

William Defoe: Until now. With Nugenix.

[sound of a machine engine]

Frank Thomas: Oh, and there’s mine.

Melissa: Oh y god, it’s so loud.

[sound of a machine engine]

Doug Flutie: Right, now I’m getting hard too.

Mark: So, Nugenix is a machine?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now he’s interested.

[sound of electric shock]

William Defoe: Ah!

Melissa: Are you okay?

William Defoe: It’s fine. It’s just your perfume smells lovely, my lady.

Mark: Okay, let’s get out of here.

[Mark and Melissa leave]

[Frank Thomas, Doug Flutie and William Defoe are getting electric shock]

Male voice: Nugenix, testosterone boosting male enhancement. Try it for free. Oh, now you’re interested!