Tag: episode 12

Jail Ad SNL

Abby Pudd… Willem Dafoe

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

[Starts with 1 narrating the ad]

Abby Pudd: Done something wrong? Gotten yourself in a pickle or a jam? And now you have to go to jail?  Don’t. People in there are so mean. So, come on down to Nice Jail. I invented it. It’s like regular jail but nice. Hi. My name is Amy Pudd– Abby Pudd. And I’m the founder of, and warden of, Nice Jail. Why make a nice jail? Because I went to actual jail once and frankly, people were mean. My cellmate took one look at me and said, “Oh, hell, no. I ain’t sharing no cell with your vampire-head ass.” Then, later, he said, “Why are you in bed, Dracula? You know y’all don’t sleep at night with your vampire-head ass.” That kind of thing would never happen at Nice Jail. I guarantee it. But don’t take it from me. Take it from one of our satisfied inmates.

Andrew: After I got arrested for public intoxication, I was scared to go to jail. So, I served 10 days at Nice Jail and no one was mean to me. Later, when I went to court, the judge told me that none of it counted. And then my lawyer said, “Who told you to do that?” I said, this guy named Abby who was standing in front of the DMV. “And then my lawyer turned to the judge and gave him a look like, “Can you believe this?” And the judge just shook his head like I was so stupid, it was causing him pain. Thanks, Nice Jail.

Abby Pudd: No, thank you. Now, as that observant young man noticed, legally speaking, Nice Jail doesn’t count. And, no, you can’t choose to come here instead of going to mean jail. So, you might be asking yourself, “Why would I go to Nice Jail?” There are so many reasons. You got released from real jail but think you could use a little more time. You did something wrong but no one knows yet. You always wanted to go to an escape room but you don’t like puzzles. You don’t want someone holding a mirror up to your face and asking, “Why does your vampire head-ass have a reflection?” Does that answer your question? If it doesn’t, here’s another glowing review.

Punkie: So, I came to Dallas thinking I had booked a room at the Marriott. Then, I got there and this guy Abby told me he bought the place and changed the name to Nice Jail. Then, he told me something about how no one here is gonna pass you in a cafeteria on Garlic Bread Day, knock down your tray and say, “I just saved your vampire-head ass. You’re welcome!” Anyway, I stayed in Nice Jail for three days and Abby kept in touch. Like,  a lot. Which I guess is nice.

Abby Pudd: It’s not just nice. It’s Nice Jail. And I keep in touch with all my former inmates, even the ones who have done something bad that no one knows about yet. Here are other nice things you can expect about Nice Jail. Compliments. Time to yourself. No one asking, “Where are your fangs with your vampire-head ass?” Dignity. Business center. No one coming up to you when you’re working in the library and saying, “Hey, we saw a bat on the yard. That was you, right?” And then you’re like, “How could that be me? I’m not a bat, and I’m in the library.” And then they’re like, “Quit lyin’ with your vampire-head ass. How come you don’t just fly out of jail?” And you’re like, “Don’t you think I would if I could?” I promise, that will never happen at Nice Jail. Even our staff is nice.

Chris: I was hired to run clerical matters here at Nice Jail, and it is a mess. The government pays for regular jail, but I’m pretty sure no one pays for this. Like, I don’t think Abby even bought the building. There’s no water, and he pays me in “I live here.” One time I asked for time off and he said, “That’s not nice. Why are you being mean to my vampire-head ass?” Seems like he’s really internalized this whole vampire thing. Anyways, I’m pretty sure the city will shut us down soon.

Abby Pudd: I’d like to see them try. So, come on down to Nice Jail! And remember…

All: It doesn’t count.

Male voice: Nice Jail. Seriously, it doesn’t count.

Good Morning Columbus

Langdon Lee… Bowen Yang

Cheryl Worth… Ego Nwodim

Scott… Mikey Day

Dr. Bloom… Willem Dafoe

Cindy… Heidi Gardner

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good news, it’s good morning Columbus.

[Cut to Langdon Lee and Cheryl Worth in their set]

Langdon Lee: Oh hi, oh hi.

Cheryl Worth: Ha-ha-ha. You are too much.

Langdon Lee: Welcome back. Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth.

Cheryl Worth: Lots ahead in the 9 o’clock hour, but first our man about town, Scott is with a local author who’s written a new self help book about finding happiness through self discovery. Hmm, sounds interesting.

Langdon Lee: Yeah. Sure does. Scott’s down at a book signing of Bergman’s books, with Dr. Benjamin Bloom, author of “Blowing Yourself”. Scott.

Scott: Thanks Langdon. I am standing next to a man who hopes to help millions of folks find happiness through self exploration.

Langdon Lee: Sorry, Scott. I have to jump in. I misspoke before. Dr. Bloom’s book is titled “Knowing yourself.” Not “Blowing yourself”. For a lot of B words in a row on the teleprompter, I got a little tongue tied. Sorry about that, Scott.

Scott: It has happens. Now, Dr. Bloom. Tell us about your book.

Dr. Bloom: Well, it’s a feel good book. It’s about learning how to love yourself by going down deep and embracing the part of you that you discovered down there.

Scott: Wow, that’s a lot to swallow.
Cheryl Worth: I’m sorry Scott. Need to jump in here. We are having an issue with our graphics that is making this interview seem very inappropriate. The book is “Knowing yourself”. We do apologize.

Langdon Lee: Come on, graphics department. What are you doing? Get it together. Ha-ha-ha. Scot.

Scott: Thanks, Langdon. Now, Dr. Bloom, I see you have your wife here with you.

Dr. Bloom: Yes, come on over, honey.

Scott: Hi.

Dr. Bloom: This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Scott: Now, Cindy, do you practice the techniques in your husband’s book?

Cindy: Oh, yes. It was a little harder for me to get there, though. I think women have to reach deeper into themselves to find the same happiness.

Dr. Bloom: Absolutely. Women are generally more complex. A lot more nooks and crannies to explore.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. You know, it can be an emotionally taxing process. You know, if you’re like me, your sensitive side is gonna take a lickin. But in the end, trust me, it’s so worth it. So buy his book. I had my nose buried in it for hours.

Scott: I’m sure you did. Thank you, Cindy. Now doctor, you’re going to teach me one of your breathing exercises here. Now, I tried yoga once and I was awful. So, hopefully I don’t suck here.

Dr. Bloom: It’s okay to suck. It’s how we learn.

Scott: Okay, good. We got some mats here.

Dr. Bloom: Let’s get down great.

Scott: Great.

Dr. Bloom: You can do this in a chair at home also. Okay. You want to center yourself like this.

Scott: Center.

Dr. Bloom: Now, breathe deeply. Really, fill your mouth with thoughts of–

Langdon Lee: Okay, no, no. Cut the audio. Folks. Oh, no. We are so deeply, deeply sorry. This looks very bad. Maybe go to sports? Yes, sports. Nick, you want to give people your Super Bowl predictions?

Nick: No, let’s let this play out.

Cheryl Worth: Thank you for nothing, Nick. Okay, looks like they’re wrapping up. Bring up the audio back.

Scott: Oh, wow. I have got a long way to go. I got to get practicing.

Dr. Bloom: Don’t go nuts when you’re just starting out. That’d be going too far.

Scott: Okay.

Dr. Bloom: But with time, I promise you’ll rise to the occasion and meet yourself halfway.

Scott: Yes, well said. And you’ve certainly made some fans out of our viewers. @IncelDadddy writes “This dude my hero. Teach me sensei. #nevergonnaleavethehouse” So, good stuff. Now, you’ll be down here all day, correct?

Dr. Bloom: Yes, I’ll be signing copies of my book and at noon, I’ll be demonstrating my technique live.

Scott: Oh! And now if you want to attend, you can make a reservation online at www.– Actually, they’re telling me no you can’t. I guess it’s sold out immediately. Mr. Popular. Back to you guys.

Cheryl Worth: Those people who made a reservation are going to be very disappointed.

Langdon Lee: All right, coming up in traffic something wandered onto the I-270 and is causing major traffic. That’s something get this. A 400 pound a wild whore– Boar! Wild boar. Wild boar. Let’s go to commercial.

Dog Show

Judas Chrysler…Willem Dafoe

Miriam Jeans… Aidy Bryant

Jane Bosworth… Kate McKinnon

Mickey Bosworth… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Fighters, barkers, humpers and shakers. Live from the Cujo arena, it’s the Bedminster dog show.

[Cut to Judas Chrysler and Miriam Jeans in their show set]

Judas Chrysler: Hello, I’m Judas Chrysler.

Miriam Jeans: And I’m Miriam Jeans. Dogs, they’re just like us. Some of them by kids.

Judas Chrysler: That’s correct. This show celebrates those canine freaks who prevent their owners from having company or intimacy.

Miriam Jeans: Today is for them.

Judas Chrysler: Here come on judges, Jane Bosworth and Mickey Bosworth.

Miriam Jeans: They run a desert based dog ranch that’s either an animal rescue or a hoarding situation.

Judas Chrysler: The dogs know not to mess with them, and frankly, neither would I. And here’s our first competitor. From the shaking group, it’s Luna.

Miriam Jeans: Now Luna hates the sound beat. And if she hears it, she will try and climb up to your hair. For her the 4th of July is a war. And the only safe space is behind the toilet.

Judas Chrysler: Luna is also scared of plastic bags, men in hats, pineapples, balloons, the Netflix startup sound, her owners being in two separate rooms, and this is embarrassing, the sound of spoken Spanish.

Miriam Jeans: And she also has what the vet calls tangy Vagina.

Judas Chrysler: A vet said that?

Miriam Jeans: Yes, she did. Let’s go to the judges.

Jane Bosworth: All right, tell us about Luna.

Owner: If her favorite blanket is not fluff correctly, she will cry real tears until I fix it. If my boyfriend comes home and he is near sitting me sitting on the couch, she will scream until he leaves. My life is hell and I miss my friends.

Mickey Bosworth: That’s good.

Jane Bosworth: Yes, take her around. No. No.

Mickey Bosworth: Don’t clap.

Jane Bosworth: Do not clap. If these dogs hear any sound, they will kill themselves.

Mickey Bosworth: Please do not clap.

Judas Chrysler: A reminder from the judges not to clap.

Miriam Jeans: Yes. And next from the mean group, it’s Pigeon.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon is the sexual predator. He’s been banned from every dog park in the state of Nevada.

Miriam Jeans: The vet called him not welcome here and the groomer called him manipulative.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon once tripped an old lady on purpose.

Miriam Jeans: His owner said quote “It looked like an accident but I swear to God, I saw him laugh.” Let’s check in with the judges.

Mickey Bosworth: Well, what is Pigeons daily routine?

Owner: Well, he wakes me up at five by biting my feet. Then he goes in the hamper, grabs my girlfriend’s underwear, drags it under the dining room table and barks aggressively.

Jane Bosworth: I see. And why did you choose this monster?

Owner: Oh, well, when we first got him he was so quiet. Turns out he was just traumatized. This is bad to say but I missed that version of him.

Miriam Jeans: Wow. Now, Judas, it says here that you and I are married. Isn’t that right?

Judas Chrysler: That is right. And now we do this.

Miriam Jeans: Ha-ha-ha. Yes. Well, from the non walking group, it’s Blueberry.

Owner: Sorry. Blueberry. Come on. Blueberry, please. I’m not picking you up. We flew here. Blueberry you grounded a flight.

Judas Chrysler: Blueberry once slipped on a tile floor and it permanently made him insane.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. He will only poop in the middle of the street and he is medically unable to be in a car.

Judas Chrysler: And to be clear, blueberry can walk. He just chooses not to.

Miriam Jeans: Amazing, truly pointless.

Judas Chrysler: And lastly, from the Medical Group, it’s Gizmo.

Miriam Jeans: Now Gizmo has bad feet, bad skin, bad teeth, bad anal glands and a bad brain. The total package.

Judas Chrysler: He’s allergic to anything that is or isn’t duck. Judges squinting at something on his tummy.

Jane Bosworth: Alright. Can you tell us about his weird little penis?

Owner: Yes. His weird little dog penis is too big for his frame. So, when he bends down a certain way, it gets stuck outside his body for hours. And it dries out so won’t go back in. And it has to be lubricated and reinserted by veterinary several times a week. I hate saying that and I say it a lot.

Jane Bosworth: Thank you.

Miriam Jeans: Well?

Judas Chrysler: Looks like the judges are about to announce the winner. Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor Thunder Shirt.

Miriam Jeans: Thunder Shirts, squeeze your stupid dog with Thunder shirt.

Jane Bosworth: The winner will take home the golden bathroom trash along with a lifetime supply of buffalo chicken bones from the sidewalk.

Mickey Bosworth: Yes. And the winner is Gizmo.

[cheers and applause]

Gizmo’s owner: No! No! Don’t get excited. Just put it back in. Aw! Gizmo!

Judas Chrysler: Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. Cut away. Goodnight.

Beauty and the Beast The Mirror

Beast… Pete Davidson

Belle… Chloe Fineman

Father… Willem Dafoe

Cogsworth… Kenan Thompson

Lumière… Mikey Day

[Stats with Beauty and the Beast dancing in the castle]

Beast: Belle, are you happy here with me?

Belle: I’m getting used to it.

Beast: What’s wrong?

Belle: If only I could see my father again? Just for a moment.

Beast: Well, perhaps there is a way. This magic mirror will show you anything in the world.

Belle: Anything?

Beast: Yes, Belle. Anything.

Belle: [to mirror] I’d like to see my father please.

[Her father appears in the mirror. He’s getting back to his home.]

Father: Is anybody home? Belle? Belle? Are you here? Hello?

Belle: Oh, calling for me. I knew my father missed me.

Beast: Of course he misses you, Belle. He’d be a fool if he didn’t.

[Father is alone in the house]

Father: Okay, so I’m just double checking. I’m definitely alone then. Nobody here in the cottage except little old me. Crazy old me.

Beast: Oh-oh!

Belle: What?

Beast: Well, it seems like your father really wants to make sure he’s alone.

Belle: Wow, he’s never been by himself before. He’s probably frightened.

Beast: Yeah, I think we’re the ones who should be frightened.

[Father is lighting up the candles]

Father: [humming] This is the best day of my life

Beast: Yep, yep, here we go. He’s lighting all the candles now.

Belle: Maybe he’s cold.

Beast: Nope, not a shot. I know exactly what’s happening here.

Belle: What’s he doing now?

[Father is putting all the pictures of his daughter down]

Father: Don’t look. Don’t. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. [looks at the picture of a horse] Look at me.

Belle: He just seems to be so lost without me.

Beast: Belle, this guy’s not thinking about you at all. And if he is we got bigger problems.

Belle: Oh my God, what’s he doing now?

[Father turns on the music and starts dancing]

Cogsworth: Well, that’s not something you see every day.

Lumière: I’ll tell you one thing. The mirror never disappoints.

Belle: Okay. Well, maybe we should do something else. Anyone want to sing “Be our guest” again? It’s a really, really good song.

Beast: Maybe later. This is some sick stuff.

[Father is spanking himself an dancing]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, I like this, dude. He nasty.

Belle: Okay, okay. I think we’ve seen enough. Anyone else want to look in the mirror?

Lumière: Quiet. The strangest thing of all is happening.

[Father is looking at a photograph]

Father: Oh my lady, look at how I’m carrying on since you’re passing. I just wish swish you were holding me close, kissing my neck, stroking my head, stomping on my groin, spanking my ass, biting my ass. So many wonderful things with my ass.

[throws and breaks the mirror]

Belle: Oops! I broke the mirror. Total accident. Can’t believe it. Anyway, see everyone had dinner. And let’s never talk about this again.

Cogsworth: I can’t believes she broke the mirror.

Beast: Don’t worry guys. I got like Father0 more of those in my room.

Chip: Wait, I don’t understand. What happened in that old man’s quadrant.

Beast: [singing] A tale as old as time

Which is a song I would sing if we had the rights.

Womens Theater

Molly… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Curtis… Andrew Dismukes

Regina King

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Molly giving her presentation in school]

Molly: And with that extra floor, we can have extra classrooms and another gym.

Mikey: Okay, thank you Molly for that presentation on why our school should be taller. We’ll definitely think about it. Alright, we have one final performance in our assembly here today. Now sadly, the magician that was going to tech you about the dangers of J Walking couldn’t make it.

Curtis: No!

Mikey: I know, but we’re very lucky that an amazing backup was available instead. They are a feminist theater ensemble that performas feminist monologues at 11 PM at an underground book store that serves moscato. I wouldn’t take you to that show, but I invited them to do an age appropriate version for you guys and we are thrilled. So, without further due, Fembox.

[Fembox walk in. They are three.]

Regina: Hot and wet, my source of life
Soft place to land for his member
my elbow blossom
hairy and magical
touching my elbow at night
playing, learning
my elbow is my own
I only have one elbow

Molly: She only has one elbow?

Mikey: Oh god!

Kate: What’s with kids these days? Waxing their elbows?
In my day, we didn’t even know what an elbow was till our wedding night
and then you felt, “Wow, that thing’s got a mind of it’s own

Chris: Hah?

Curtis: They’re talking about their elbows but they’re pointing to their laps.

Aidy: Ay, tough girls got elbows too, okay?
Mine’s like a chevy bel air
it’s got a glaze on it like a creme donut
smells like WD-40
and you know what? You know who loved it?
every man I ever met

Heidi: [to Mikey] I thought you said they could change their material.

Mikey: I guess they changed it as little as humanly possible.

Regina: Our elbows, they birth our babies, they please our men, they gush the blood of life
Curtis: Do they?

Regina: Secret powers between my thighs,
my charisma, my juice, my joy, my fruit,
my secret South Carolina, my beautiful elbow

Chris: That ain’t even rhyme. These old ladies are messed up.

Kate: For the longest time, I was afraid to look at my elbow in the mirror
the other day, I decided to do it, just off the cobwebs
I thought, “Wow, this thing’s huge. And you know what? It ain’t half bad.”

Molly: My mom has big elbows too.

Heidi: That’s great, Molly.

Aidy: 1978, once I find my elbow, I was rubbing it against everything.
The bus, the sofa, air conditioners and every pillow in Poughkeepsie. Hey, hey, hey.

Mikey: Oh my god, they’re not even trying.

Curtis: Do I have a bad elbow?

Heidi: Yeah, I’m not sure this applies to you, Curtis.

Curtis: Yeah, I’m kidding. I figured out what they’re talking about.

Regina: Why do we come up with other names just to avoid saying ‘Elbow’?
Gash, critter, slit, see you next Tuesday

Heidi: That’s so much worse.

Curtis: [giggling] Critter.

Heidi: We’re not going to pay them, right?

Mikey: No, they didn’t ask for our money. Just to use our library. None of them have printers.

Kate: I love my elbow just the way god gave it to me.

Heidi: That’s actually a pretty good message.

Kate: I told my husband, “Look, this is the elbow you married, this is the elbow you’re going to get. And it’s not like you’re going to win any prizes for your four inch flaccid dong.

Heidi: Yeah, never mind.

Mikey: It’s fine. The parents actually had no problem with the penis content.

Aidy: Everybody in this room, you either have an elbow or you came from an elbow.

Regina: Whether your’s is big or small.

Kate: A grilled cheese or a sloppy Joanne.

Aidy: It’s about confidence.

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Confidence.

Aidy: Coz when you love yourself…

Regina: That’s right.

Aidy: You’re going to be surrounded by love.

Kate: You sure are.

Aidy: You are going to have love…

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Up to your vaginas.

[Mikey runs in]

Mikey: Okay. We are done. Sorry, guys. That was not appropriate at all.

Chris: That was actually pretty empowering.

Students: [cheering] Elbows! Elbows! Elbows!

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted in Second Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s picture at left top corner.]

Well, like so many other men living in Florida, Donald Trump has once again escaped from justice. This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was. The jurors who were deciding The case were the ones attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then right after the trial ended, one of the jurors who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, “Someone’s got to prosecute this guy. He did it. This man belongs in jail. I mean, whatever you’re going to do? Are you going to impeach a president for anything, don’t you think it’s sending a mob to kill the vice-president? I feel bad for Pence. 43 of his work friends were like, “Oh come on, Mike, they only tried to hang you. Stop being such a drama queen.” I think it’d be hilarious if Biden now sent rioters back into the Capitol. And he was like, “What? You guys said it was fine.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the Capitol rioters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During Donald Trump’s impeachment, house manager showed security footage of Capitol rioters finally attacking police. But here’s a little black history lesson for you. Just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get conviction.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence and Mitt Romney.

Colin Jost: Video evidence of the violence in January six shows that the senator Mitt Romney and vice president Pence both had close calls with rioters. So, let me get this straight. You’re a white supremacist mob and you go after these guys? The two whitest guys I could think of. They make me look like Ice-T. And look, [Picture changes to Ted Cruz with his new hairstyle.] I know probably there are bigger things happening in the world, but can we talk about Ted Cruz’s hair for like, an hour? What happened here? It looks like he’s selling fireworks out of the back of El Camino. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this guy handcuffed crying on a curb in “Cops”. I mean, what are you doing, man? You’re a senator. Not the manager of a paintball range. At least the manager of the paintball range has some leadership skills.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York governor Andrew Cuomo who was the real life model for Moe Szyslak, announced that more New Yorkers will be eligible for the covid vaccine beginning next week. New Yorkers will have to provide documentation of their condition and answer medical questions like, “Whassa matter you?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Governor Cuomo also announced that he will allow sporting venues to open starting February Michael Che3rd but limit them to Colin Jost0% capacity, better known as Jets level.

Weekend Update The Pope Appoints Women Aunt Jemima Changes Name

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis has appointed two women at Vatican post that were previously held by men. Apparently, god came to him in a dream and told him he could pay women less.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Explosives missing from marine base” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A marine base in California revealed that 10 pounds of C4 explosives have gone missing from the facility. So, it’s either a domestic terror plot or someone’s having a gender reveal party.

[Picture changes to Morgan Wallen]

It was reported that after Morgan Wallen lost his recording contract and he was caught on video using the N words, sales for his album rose over 1000% proving my long held theory that if NBC would just let me say it, the ratings will go up.

[Cut to Michael Che shaking his head. There’s a picture of Popeyes burger at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Popeyes has introduced it’s first ever fish sandwich called the cajun flounder sandwich. It’s also the first ever fish sandwich to be made entirely of expired chicken.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: Actress Gina Carano was fired from the Mandalorian after sharing controversial anti semitic posts on social media. Yeah, I don’t know if Star Wars is the authority on what’s anti semitic. Remember that desert junk dealer from Phantom Menace?

[Cut to the video clip of the desert junk dealer]

Junk dealer: My trick’s gonna work. Gonna make all the money.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: If that’s not Nazi propaganda, I don’t know what is.

[Picture changes to an article that says “117 year old nun survives covid]

It was reported that 117 year old nun in France had survived coronavirus. And she’s actually starting to get insulted that god doesn’t want to meet her.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Larry Flynt at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler magazine has died at the age of 78. His family has asked that in lieu of flowers, you send full bushes.

[Picture changes to Aunt Jemima logo]

The makers of Aunt Jemima products which has been criticized for using racist imagery, are finally changing their name to “Pearl Milling Company”. Pearl Milling is the name of the white lady who owned Aunt Jemima.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s sign and a glass of orange drink at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After customers Tweeted for it online, McDonald’s announced that it will bring back the fan favorite HiC orange drink.  But to honor Ronald McDonald, they’re rebranding it as “Clown Urine.”

Weekend Update Stephanie Green on Conspiracy Theories

Colin Jost

Stephanie Greene… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Despite Joe Biden’s inauguration, millions of people still believe in the QAnon conspiracy theory. Here to help explain it is a member of QAnon. Please welcome, Stephanie Greene.

[Stephanie Greene slides in. She is a witch.]

Stephanie Greene: Hello. Very good to be here together.

Colin Jost: Yes. Well, thank you for being here, Stephanie. You said you’re a single gal from Ohio?

Stephanie Greene: Yes, that’s right. Normal gal. I work in an office for business. Coffee, pencils, the whole line.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. And you’re a member of QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Oh, big time. Yes. Q all the way.

Colin Jost: And what is QAnon all about.

Stephanie Greene: Okay, listen. Have you heard this? QAnon says there is an underground ring of very bad people. They gather to undermine Trump and to steal elections and to eat children. I hear that and I’m like, “Wow, where?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, it’s a very disturbing theory. So, what do you do with QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Yes. We try to get to the bottom of things. This underground cabal, what’s the deal? Who is part of it? How do you get an invite? Is it reservations or is it open table? Are there enough? Are there enough children to go round? Do you eat them on sight or do you take them home? Are they dipping sauces so much? So much to uncover.

Colin Jost: Right, yeah. It sounds like you’re pretty focused on the eating children part of QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Oh, it’s terrible. Yeah. I gotta get down there to stop them. I will grab those children right out of their mouths and take them to my house. My house is made of candy. And then I’ll eat them. I men I kill them. How am I doing?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Not great. I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to help children.

Stephanie Greene: No. I love children. All kinds. Girls, boys, barbecue, sour cream and onion, cool ranch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you want to eat them. Like maybe, that you’re only on the QAnon to find out where that’s happening.

Stephanie Greene: Why? Do you know? You’re a Hollywood elite, yes? Is there an email list? Wink for yes.

Colin Jost: I’ve just never heard of that. I’m not sure you’re actually going to find children to eat with QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Okay. I’m kind of glad you said that. Because I’m starting to get worried it isn’t real. The things, they keep not happening. I guess I’m starting to feel like maybe the whole thing is little bit coo-coo-bana. You know?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you might be right.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Look, can I make a confession? This is going to come out of left field. I am a witch.

Colin Jost: No. Yeah, that has been clear this whole time.

Stephanie Greene: My name is Grismelda. I live in a candy house in New Hampshire. I roast and eat whole children. But Colin, these people– These people are weird. They think celebrities eat babies so their skin can look younger. That ain’t what it does, queens. [pointing at her face]

Colin Jost: I think you look great.

Grismelda: Oh. This whole thing has been such a waste of time, Colin. The other day, I Skyped with a guy named Robert Lee-E, who told me that Jessica Chastein is the devil and then he showed me his penis. He thinks Hunter Biden is a laptop. His daughters were crying in the background. It was so sad.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m very sorry I have to break it to you Grismelda, but QAnon isn’t real. None of it.

Grismelda: [sigh] I knew it. Well, at least I can get the vaccine now. I’m 400 years old. So…

Colin Jost: 400?

Grismelda: Yes. I guess I’ll go back to being a witch. It’s hard because the children, they don’t eat candy anymore. No, no. I tried to build the house out of beyond beef, and it fell and the wolves came. I don’t know what the kids eat now. What do they eat? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I have to ask. What do you eat when you can’t eat children?

Grismelda: Oh, dogs.

Colin Jost: Oh, common!

Grismelda: No, I’m kidding. Chipotle. I’m not a monster.

Colin Jost: Grismelda, everyone.

Weekend Update Mackenzie TaylorJoy on Valentines Day

Michael Che

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy… Lauren Holt

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is tomorrow. And this year, couples are having to get creative with plans. Here with her tips is relationships expert and author of the book “If You’re Single, You’re Doing It Wrong”, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy.

[Mackenzie Taylor-Joy slides in]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Hey, Michael. So happy to share my expertise about love.

Michael Che: So, your advice is just for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Nothing against single people, but if I didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, I would lose it. Can you imagine? Anyway, St. V-day. [message alert] Oh, just got a text from Brandon, my lover. He always texts me the cutest things. Here, I’ll read it to you. “Hey Mackenzie, sorry to do it this way but…” [starts reading silently][breathing heavy]

Michael Che: Well, what did he say?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What did who say?

Michael Che: Your boyfriend. You were just going to read us text.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Oh, he just said that we’re dumped and that’s actually really good. [starts sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What? No way, Mr. Che. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you sure? Because weren’t you going to give us date ideas for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yes. People always think couple activities are meant for pairs, but who says you can’t ride a tandem bike alone? Ha-ha-ha. Specially if you’ve already rented one for tomorrow. You can just do front or back. You can put your bag on the other seat and just talk to yourself. That’s so fun. [sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Mackenzie, are you good?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Never been better. In fact, I got another one for you. I actually booked an Air B&B up state this weekend and guess what? B&-be by myself, alone, in the woods where the sun goes down at 4PM and it gets dark forever and it’s gonna rock. [sobbing][while wiping tears, she spoils all her eye makeup.]

Michael Che: Oh. Mackenzie, you got some makeup under your eyes.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh yes, it’s highlighter. It’s Rihanna’s brand. Pon de Replay.

Michael Che: No, hey. Do you want to maybe look at a monitor over there?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: No, I know what I look like.

Michael Che: Do you?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yeah. I look like an idiot for saying you can have fun on Valentine’s day by yourself. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I doing to do? Eat dinner alone? How does that even work?

Michael Che: Mackenzie, things will turn around soon. I promise.

[message alert]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, it’s from Brandon. Oh my god, okay, listen, listen, listen. He said, “Hey, sexy. I dumped Mackenzie. Sorry, wrong number.” Dammit!

Michael Che: Relationship expert, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, what’s on my face?

Michael Che: That’s what I was trying to tell you.