Tag: Jay Pharoah

How 2 Dance with Janelle

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy… Kyle Mooney

Mom…Taraji P. Henson

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with How 2 dance with Janelle intro]

[Cut to Janelle streaming live with her friend Teddy sitting behind her.]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, a.k.a. Jay Train, a.k.a. Janelle. And I’m here as always with my best friend Teddy.

Teddy: [walks near to Janelle] Best friend and prom date.

Janelle: That’s right. We’re going together as a joke. [laughs]

Teddy: So funny!

Janelle: Anyway, we’re live streaming today in honor of my channel hitting 1 million subscribers. So, shout out to my 1 million subscriber, Jeremy Gates from Danberi state penitentiary. [Janelle hits the play button and the music starts playing] Okay, let’s get dancing.

[Janelle and Teddy stand]

Today we’re gonna learn how to do the Do Drop. Alright Teddy, first you have to shake your shoulders like you’re cold then roll your body like it’s a snake. It’s easy. Let’s try it full speed.

[Janelle starts dancing]

Teddy: Oh, my god!

[Mom opens the door enters the room]

Mom: Woo-hoo! Y’all better be kissing in here.

Janelle: Ew, gross!

Teddy: Yeah, that’d be so gross.

[Janelle pauses the music]

Janelle: Can you leave? I’m doing my dances.

Mom: Oh, I know baby. Your brothers and friends are all watching in the living room.

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Janelle! None of my friends want to play Xbox with me.

Mom: Michael! Go take the garbage!

Michael: Mom, it’s not even making sense!

Mom: You better get out of here boy!

[Michael leaves]

Baby, show me the dance you were doing?

Janelle: Oh, it’s call the Do Drop. Like this.

[Janelle shows the dance.]

Mom: Oh, no, no, no. That is not how we move in this house. I raised you better than that. We move like this.

[Mom shows Janelle how to move even better.]

Teddy: [looking at Mom] Oh, how cool pillow. I’m just gonna put it right here.

[Janelle puts the pillow over his lap.]

Janelle: Oh, mom!

Mom: Please! You know I auditioned to be a fly girl. Now let me show you how real real woman dances.

Janelle: But I’m not a woman.

Mom: Well, your body disagrees. Alright, step one, jam!

[Mom plays the music and starts dancing]

Ay! Ay! Step two, it’s all about arms and back. You gotta pop it like this. Pop! Pop! Pop it out! Pop it! Pop it!

Janelle: It looks like someone’s trying to punch you in the spine.

Mom: That’s what’s hot about it. Pop it! Pop it!

[Janelle and Mom are dancing together]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Now, how does that feel for you?

Janelle: It hurts everything.

Mom: Hah! Then you’re doing it right, baby. Now watch this. This is when you’re dropping it low.

[Mom starts shaking her butt]

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Mom, my friends are watching this!

Mom: Hey, boys! Don’t you eat all my food!

[Michael leaves]

Janelle: Teddy, get in here.

Mom: Yeah! Teddy!

[Janelle pulls Teddy in the middle of her and Mom.]

Mom: Come on, Teddy! You have to move your hips like this.

Janelle: Yeah, and move your arms and chest like this.

Mom: Yeah, go Teddy! Go Teddy!

[Teddy faints]

Is he alright?

Janelle: Yeah, he faints a lot. I’ll just get him some water.

Mom: Okay, baby. You go.

[Janelle leaves]

Mom: [looking at the computer] What’s that comment say? Do you know how to twerk? Oh, baby. I was made for–

[Michael storms in]

Michael: No, no, no, no.

[Michael is pressing all the buttons trying to stop the streaming]

[This livestream has now ended.]

Home 2

Jim Parsons… Taram Killam

Rihanna… Sasheer Zamata

Kendrick Lamar… Jay Pharoah

Missy Elliot… Leslie Jones

Nicki Minaj… Taraji P. Henson

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Rick Ross… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with DreamWorks Sneak Peek video bumper.]

[Cut to a trailer of animated movie ‘Home’]

Male voice: This April, DreamWork’s newest animated movie ‘Home’ is  dominating the Box Office. Thanks to the voice of Jim Parsons as a lovable alien outcast.

[Cut to Jim Parsons doing the voiceover]

Jim Parsons: My hands are in the air like I just do not care.

[Cut to a girl from animated movie]

Male voice: And Rihanna as an earth girl with an attitude.

[Cut to Rihanna doing the voiceover]

Rihanna: Our tradition is to punch you in the nose. Ay-ay-ay.

Male voice: So, DreamWorks is already at work on Home 2. With Jim Parsons and more hiphop than you can handle. Featuring characters like Twee Tor, the alien voiced by Kendrick Lamar.

[Cut to Kendrick Lamar doing the voiceover]

Kendrick Lamar: Yo, I’m Twee Tor

so let’s hit the skies in my bubble car

it runs a milk shakes from here to the north star

Male voice: It’s a G rated run featuring the OG’s of rap. Including Missy Elliot as Boop the sky.

[Cut to Missy Elliot doing the voiceover]

Missy Elliot: Well, I’m not from this galaxy. I’m from [mumbles]

Male voice: Nicky Minaj doing double duty as star cops Thwick & Thwack.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj doing the voiceover]

Nicki Minaj: I’m all so sorry but you’re under inter-gallectic arrest.

Jim Parsons: Well I’m–

Nicki Minaj: [interrupting] Bro, I ain’t sorry, coz Thwack don’t apologize.

Jim Parsons: You don’t under–

Nicki Minaj: You have the right to remain silent.
Jim Parsons: Oh!

Nicki Minaj: But I won’t remain silent. I have a right to remain violent.

Jim Parsons: Do I need to be here for this?

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Male voice: You’ll be spending all of your young money on this funky fresh sequel, featuring Sofia Vergara as nurse Bickle Bam. With Rick Ross as Sky Cat.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara and Rick Ross doing the voiceover]

Sofia Vergara: Oh, you have a wound rash.

Rick Ross: Sky Cat!

Sofia Vergara: You don’t have to say your name before every line.

Rick Ross: [looks around] Sky Cat!

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Male voice: And we’re pulling out all the hiphop starts with Alt rappers Die Antwoord, as alien babies Peebo & Quiggles.

[Cut to Jim Parsons and Die Antwoord members doing voiceover. Jim Parsons is scared of them.]

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Be sure to download the Home 2 soundtrack, featuring the hit single, Hustle Home.

[Cut to Jim Parsons singing]

Jim Parsons: [singing] Hustle home…

[Nicki Minaj comes in]

Nicki Minaj: [rapping] Don’t send me with a hustle
I’m the almighty hustler
They all must be talking
but nobody touch us

Male voice: Home 2. Coming this summer

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.]

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]

Connectatron

Xandar… Taran Killam

Dutch… Bobby Moynihan

Evelyn… Cecily Strong

Dante… Jay Pharoah

Mevis… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Connectatron intro]

[Cut to a half shark half dinosaur monster destroying the city. It’s a resemblance of Power Rangers.]

[Cut to Xandar wearing red suit]

Xandar: Oh, no! Zelda used his grow magic of that Shark-a-saur. Now, it’s destroying downtown.

[Cut to Dutch wearing yellow suit]

Dutch: He just crushed my favorite Hogi shop. Let me have him.

[Cut to Evelyn wearing pink suit]

Evelyn: It’s no use. Our ships are so weak against him.

[Cut to Dante wearing blue suit]

Dante: You all thinking what I’m thinking?

[Cut to the Tronners]

Xandar: Tronners, time to connect! Forming head and torso. Evelyn, attach right arm.

Evelyn: Comes up to that.

Xandar: Dante, attach left arm.

Dante: Happy to lend a hand.

Xandar: Dutch, attach right leg.

Dutch: You can lean on me.

Xandar: Mevis, attach left leg.

Mevis: No.

Xandar: Mevis, we need you to form Connectatron.

Mevis: I’m not stopping you.

Xandar: No, you literally are. We can’t move without you.

Dante: Shark-a-saur is attacking.

[Cut to Shark-a-saur attacking one legged Connectatron]

Xandar: Mevis, please! Please help us. Tell us what happened?

Mevis: Ask Dutch.

Dutch: What did I do?

Mevis: Why don’t you tell everybody what happened in the hallway?

Dutch: I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mevis: You bumped me and I spilled kombucha on my jacket.

Xandar: Dutch! Just apologize!

Dutch: Boy! I’m sorry!

Xandar: Okay, great! Attach left leg.

Mevis: Excuse me? Xander! Don’t you shout, coz you know you… hitting this thing.

[Other Tronners are laughing]

Xandar: Baby. please.

Mevis: Oh! So, now I’m baby when Shark-a-saur is winning.

Dante: Shield’s down to 15%. Hurry!

Xandar: Mevis. Please! Attach, we can’t do this without you.

Mevis: Let me control the head.

Xandar: Mevis, the cosmic being entrusted me with the responsibility–

Mevis: I’m not asking the cosmic being. I’m asking you baby! Let me control the head.

Dante: 2%!

Xandar: Okay, fine!

Mevis: Attaching!

[Cut to Shark-a-saur and Connectatron. Connectatron is now standing well.]

[Cut to Xandar. Mevis walks in and takes his chair.]

Alright, it’s on now! Take my rings off to whip your ass!

[Cut to Shark-a-saur and Connectatron. Connectatron beats Shark-a-saur.]

[The end]

Michael Keaton Tribute Monologue

Michael Keaton

Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[1 walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Keaton: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks very much. Thanks. Thanks a lot. It’s so good to be back here. It’s been a long time since I’ve been hosting Saturday Night Live. The first time I hosted was way back in 1982.

[cheers and applause]

I know. It’s a long time. I know. That’s pretty crazy. A lot has happened to me since then. Let’s see. I had a baby. [cheers and applause] She’s 31. I also have a new girlfriend. She’s 28. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding.

[Taran and Bobby walk in laughing]

Taran: Good one!

Bobby: Yeah. Sorry to interrupt Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: Oh, that’s okay. You guys have been hanging out all week. You know, you can use my first name.

Bobby: Oh, okay. Thanks Batman.

Michael Keaton: No, no. Michael.

Bobby: Right. Michael. Look, we just wanted to say, it is really an honor to have you here.

Taran: Absolutely. Honestly, your movies are what made me wanna be an actor.

Michael Keaton: Oh, thank you very much. It’s so great.

Bobby: You’re welcome. We kind of have a favor to ask.

Michael Keaton: Right now?

Taran: Ya, ya, ya. It will only take a second. Music.

Michael Keaton: Music?

[background music playing]

Taran: [singing] I was 7 years old, when just like that [snaps his fingers]
my whole world was set of blaze by man dressed as a bat
now he’s here in front of me, it’s a dream come true
and I’d never forgive myself, Michael, if I didn’t ask you

Michael Keaton: Ask what?

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?
come on up on the suit, we’ll be the villains at your pitan
it’s our real life fantasy, we don’t mean to be geeks

Michael Keaton: That’s too late.

Taran: But before you answer, you should know this

it was my birthday this week.

Michael Keaton: Oh, really? Well, happy birthday!

Taran: So you’ll do it?

Michael Keaton: No, no, no, no. I didn’t say that.

Taran: Okay. We understand. We don’t want to pressure you at all.

Michael Keaton: Thank you. Thank you.

[Jay walks in. He’s wearing half Batman and half Joker costume.]

Jay: Bat dance!

Bobby: No!

Taran: [yelling] Jay, he just said no. Dammit Jay!

Bobby: [yelling] You’re embarrassing us in front of our hero, Jay. [Jay leaves] My, sorry about that.

Michael Keaton: Yeah, that’s alright.

Bobby: Where were we?

[music playing]

Bobby: I was an awkward teen, had trouble fitting in
I saw a man up on the screen, and I was a weirdo, just like him
you were the ghost with the most, motherflipping Beetlejuice
now you’re the host of the most, and I just need one thing from you

Michael Keaton: Yeah, I bet I know what that is.

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?

Michael Keaton: Ay, someone bring Lorne.

Taran and Bobby: We can write a sand word and our bond will only deepen
Never seen that world, it’s a best gift you could give

Bobby: It would mean so much to my parents
coz I got only six weeks to live

Michael Keaton: Oh, man! Really?

Bobby: I mean, it’s just a guess I’ve made based on the choices I’ve made.

Michael Keaton: Ya, ya. Alright, look. This is gonna sound harsh but, I don’t know. Guys. Taran, you’re what? 30?

Taran: Yeah.

Michael Keaton: Bobby, you’re… 60?

Bobby: Yeah, sure. ;.

Michael Keaton: Yeah. So, what do you think we just really focus on making tonight really good?

Taran: You’re right. You’re right.

Bobby: Absolutely.

[Jay walks in dancing dressed as Harry Belafonte.]

Jay: Shake, shake, shake–

Taran: [yelling] Jay!

Bobby: [yelling] Why are you ruining this?

Taran: [yelling] We’re not doing that either, Jay.

Jay: [yelling] You guys told me to dress like this! Both of you!

[Jay leaves screaming]

Michael Keaton: Wow.

Bobby: He was Harry Belafonte.

Michael Keaton: Yeah, I got that. Look, guys, I’m sorry. It’s just not gonna happen.

Taran: Well, it kind of already did. Roll the tape?

[Cut to Taran and Bobby dressed as Joker and Penguin.]

Taran: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Bobby: You dare throw out our plan?

Taran: Who do you think you are?

[Cut to 1 sitting on a sofa reading the script. A mask and a Batman suit is edited on him.]

[Cut to Taran and Bobby in a graveyard. Bobby dressed as Otho and Taran dressed Delia Deetz]

Taran: Otho, we’re trapped in this spooky place. We need to get out.

Bobby: Oh, Delia, I know just the thing.

Taran and Bobby: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!

[Cut to 1 using his phone at the backstage of SNL. Beetlejuice clothes and hair are edited on him.]

[Cut to 1, Taran and Bobby on SNL monologue set]

Michael Keaton: Hey, yeah. That’s gotta be illegal.

Taran and Bobby: Right? Ha-ha-ha.

[singing] Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?

[Other members of SNL come in dancing wearing a Batman shirt.]

Michael Keaton: I need to get out of here.

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?
Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?
Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?

Michael Keaton: [yelling] Alright!

[Cut to 1 zoomed into his face]

I’m Batman!

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Taran, 1 and Bobby]

And boys, it’s show time.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to everybody]

We have a great show. Carly Rae Jepsen is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

CNN Newsroom

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Jacklyn Jackson… Sasheer Zamata

Jake McKinsey… Bobby Moynihan

Dan Leman… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with CNN Newsroom intro]

[Cut to Brooke in her news set]

Brooke: Welcome back.I’m Brooke Baldwin and you’re watching the loose collection of daytime nonsense we call the CNN Newsroom. That means you’re either sitting in an airport or you’re at home flipping through the channels and you’ve had a small stroke. Today’s top story, as it’s been for the last 11 days, the Germanwings airplane that crashed in the French alps last week, joining us now from Lucerne, France is our own Jacklyn Jackson.

[Cut to Jacklyn]

Jacklyn: Good to be here Brooke.

[Cut to split screen of Brooke and Jacklyn]

Brooke: Jacklyn, can you tell us what exactly happened to that plane.

Jacklyn: Even better, I can show you using one of CNN’s animated reenactments. Now, apparently one of the pilots was locked out of the cockpit and couldn’t open the door which we believe looked something like this.

[Cut to a bad quality animation of knocking the door.]

Brooke: So, that’s what it would look like if someone couldn’t open a door?

Jacklyn: Correct.

[Cut to Brooke and Jacklyn]

Brooke: Amazing. Now, why did the pilot leave the cockpit in the first place?

Jacklyn: He was apparently going to the bathroom or [hand gesturing quote.] tinkling, which we believe might have looked something like this.

[Cut to a bad quality animation of a man using the toilet.]

Brooke: Okay. So, that’s the pilot going to the bathroom? If you will?

Jacklyn: Um-hmm.

Brooke: That’s extremely informative, Jacklyn. Thank you.

[Cut to Brooke an Jacklyn]

Jacklyn: Yeah. The real thanks goes to the animators who put this whole thing together. We were lucky to get the same team that did the Dire Straits Money For Nothing music video from 1985.

Brooke: Well, kudos to them.

[Cut to Brooke]

Now, we hate to admit this here at CNN, but there are other stories happening in the world. Joining us from Switzerland where the US has negotiated a deal with Iran on nuclear weapons, it’s Jake McKinsey.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake, what’s the latest on those negotiation?

Jake: Um, we couldn’t get any footage from the actual negotiations but once again, CNN has the next best thing.

[Cut to reenactment of the meeting using puppets.]

A collection of puppets that can reenact what we think negotiations were like.

Brooke: Incredible. So, this is basically what it looked like.

[The puppets are yelling at each other]

Jake: Yes, clearly a very heated debate on both sides.

Brooke: And the puppet with the larger hair?

Jake: Is Secretary of State, John Carey. Correct.

Brooke: Okay. [two puppets shake their hands] Oh! And this appears to be the moment the deal took place.

[the puppets are celebrating]

There’s a handshake and they’re celebrating.

Jake: Yeah. Lot of joyous moment. You know, these puppets are a great resources because again, these were closed door negotiations.

[Cut to Brooke and Jake]

Brooke: And what does that mean? Closed door?

Jake: Um, I believe it looks something like this.

[Cut to the bad quality animation of knocking the door Jacklyn used before.]

Brooke: Okay. A lot to think about. [Cut to Brooke] That’s the biggest story in foreign policy. But here in America, many are focused on this so called ‘religious freedom laws’, now being hotly contested in Indiana and Arkansas. We couldn’t get a CNN reporter in either of those states, but we might have something even better. A local performance art group has agreed to give us a general sense of what’s been happening in both those states.

[Cut to CNN Reenactment Dance Troupe. A chef is in the middle.]

[A man and a woman wearing a shirt with ‘Gay’ written on it are rejected by the chef. They are showing this by dancing.]

So, as you can see, the customers who are in fact gay are approaching the store owner asking for goods and services and they’re being turned away. And I should say this again, this is not actual footage from Indiana. This is merely a highly accurate dramatization. Okay.

[Now, the chef, gay man and gay woman are dancing together.]

Well, now it appears they’ve lost the thread of the story entirely and they’re pretty much just dancing. So let’s go ahead and mix in some random commentary from our own Dan Leman.

[Dan appear at the bottom of the screen.]

Dan: Um, [his voice is auto-tuned] Black people need to pull up their pants. Bl-bl-bl-bl-black people need to pull up their pants- pull up their pants- pull up their pants.

Brooke: Hmm, that’s a nice touch. [Cut to Brooke] Great work all around by the CNN research team. Let’s take a quick break. When we return, has CNN obtained a video-tape that shows Hillary Clinton deleting her emails.

[Cut to a cat wearing a sweater and pearl necklace using a computer]

Close, but that’s actually not Hillary Clinton. It’s a cat.

[Cut to Brooke]

We’ll explain how, after this.

[Ends with outro]

The Rock Obama Cold Open

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Tom Cotton… Kyle Mooney

John Boehner… Taran Killam

Ted Cruz… Bobby Moynihan

Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata

The Rock Obama… Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Agent… Beck Bennett

She Rock Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a meeting with Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Gentlemen, um, thank you for coming. Now, the reason I asked you all here is because we only have until end of March to get something done in my list. And that’s hard to do when you, senator Cotton are sending letters to Iranian government behind my back?

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: Yes, I did. [Tom Cotton looks at John Boehner and Ted Cruz]

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Alright. Or, when you, speaker Boehner are inviting the prime minister of Israel to speak to congress without consulting with me?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: I did do it.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Or when you, senator Cruz call Mr. Netanyahu, an extraordinary leader and side with him against your own president?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s just how I feel.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Now, look. I’m gonna try to not lost my temper. But what’s it gonna take for us to show a united front on this?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: Well, not to be rude, Mr. President, but the only reason I invited prime minister Netanyahu is because I wanted to meet a world leader whose people actually respect him.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

Ted Cruz: Yeah, you know? [Cut to Ted Cruz] And I’m impressed he even came to visit considering how much your bad your situation in the middle east.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: I’ve been in Wash in three months and I think I think I understand foreign policy better than you. And unrelated, I heard your file four bracket is totally busted.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off. He starts screaming and grunting.]

[Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner and Ted Cruz. Michelle Obama walks in the office.]

Michelle Obama: Oh, my god! It’s happening.

[Cut to a worn shirt and shoes being torn]

[Cut to The Hulk version of Barack Obama.]

[Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner, Ted Cruz and Michelle Obama. They look shocked.]

John Boehner: What’s happening?

Michelle Obama: What’s happening is you made Barack Obama very angry. And when you make him angry, he turns into ‘The Rock Obama’. Well, anyway, I just wanted to remind you about dinner Barack. Gentlemen, good luck!

[Michelle Obama leaves]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]
Barack Obama: Now, um, don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama much like Barack Obama, only larger and more violent. Now, where were we? You.

[Cut to John Boehner and The Rock Obama]

John Boehner: Me?

The Rock Obama: You invite Netanyahu without asking?

John Boehner: [scared] Um, I- I did. But–

[The Rock Obama carried John Boehner by his collar with one hand]

The Rock Obama: You like Israel?

John Boehner: Yes.

The Rock Obama: Oh, maybe you should go visit Israel.

[The Rock Obama throws John Boehner out of the window.]

You, Tom Cotton.

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Come here.

[Tom Cotton walks to The Rock Obama.]

Tom Cotton: Okay.

[Cut to Tom Cotton and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: You write letter to Iran?

Tom Cotton: I did, yes.

The Rock Obama: You like writing letters?

Tom Cotton: I guess.

The Rock Obama: How you write letter when you have no hand?

[The Rock Obama pulls off Tom Cotton’s hand]

Tom Cotton: Oh! Oh, god!

The Rock Obama: Watch, this. Obama from downtown.

[The Rock Obama throws Tom Cotton’s hand into the bin like scoring in basketball.]

Break! Okay, you go now.

[Tom Cotton jumps out of the window himself.]

[Cut to Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama.]

You! Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz: Alright.

The Rock Obama: Come, sit next to president.

[Ted Cruz sits near The Rock Obama]

Ted Cruz: Yes?

The Rock Obama: You shut down government? Very rude! The Rock Obama polite, so I ask, please, may I crush your head?

Ted Cruz: Oh, no!

[The Rock Obama is crushing Ted Cruz’s head]

[Cut to Michelle Obama walking in]

Michelle Obama: Barack, stop!

[cut to Michelle Obama, Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Oh, just kidding. Me no crush his head. Just tear it off.

Ted Cruz: Oh-oh!

Michelle Obama: Senator, you better go.

Ted Cruz: Okay, bye-bye.

[Ted Cruz runs out]

[Agent walks in]

Agent: Excuse me Mr. President.

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Yes, agent.

[Cut to Agent]

Agent: I’m afraid we have another little oopsie due over at the secret service. Turns out there has been a mentally ill vagrant living in the White House garden for the last two months.

[Cut to Agent and Michelle Obama]

Michelle Obama: [yelling] Are you kidding me? My garden?
[Michelle Obama is screaming and grunting]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Easy Michelle!

[Cut to Michelle Obama’s back. Her dress and shoes are being torn like The Hulk.]

[Cut to She Rock Obama screaming and grunting]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Barack not only one. There’s also “She Rock Obama”

[Cut to Agent and She Rock Obama]

She Rock Obama: You try to protect us, but who will protect you?

[She Rock Obama pulls off Agent’s arm. Agent faints.]

[Cut to She Rock Obama and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Michelle, high-five! Ah! Being president is fun.

The Rock Obama and She Rock Obama: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Pepboys

Bobby Moynihan

Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a video of Starbucks]

Female voice: Last week, Starbucks created the Race Together campaign, which encourage all the baristas across the country to start a dialog with their customers about race. It was a way to open minds and share thoughts. All over coffee. And we think Starbucks is on the right track.

[Cut to Pep Boys mechanics]

So, we at Pep Boys are starting a conversation too. This month, all Pep Boys mechanics are encouraged to start a dialog with you, the customer, about gender and sexual identity. As part of Pep Boys new Genderflect campaign.

[Cut to a Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Bobby: Listen, I should pull up whatever people wanna do. Like, if you were guy and you wanted to be a girl, that’s great. But me personally, I could never cut off my [bleep]

[The customer is confused and speechless]

Female voice: Because if we don’t talk about these issues, who will?

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Beck:  gotta question for you. You gay, right?

Colin: Yes, I am.

Beck: So, are you allowed to say, like, “That’s gay?”

Colin: I guess I can.

Beck: Oh, man! You are so lucky.

[Beck telling to his fellow staff at the counter] He get’s to say, “That’s gay!”

Kyle: Oh, so lucky.

Female voice: Our mechanics are ready to start a conversation with you about complex intersex issues.

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Aidy: If you got both parts down there, then be proud. If I had both, I’d be doing myself all day long.

[Kate doesn’t want to listen]

Kate: Please go get my car.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: You know what my favorite show is? Ellen. That’s important because she used to be a man.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Jay: Yes, she did.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Aidy: Yeah, she was a man.

Kate: Will you go get my car?

[cut to Aidy writing ‘Genderflect’ on a car’s windscreen.]

Female voice: Because Pep Boys knows that the only thing more important than your car is taking the time to genderfy.

[Cut to Kyle talking to a customer]

Kyle: I think my cousin’s kid got born wrong. Well, not wrong, you know? Coz that’s the thing, you know? It’s not wrong if it’s right the hip.

Sasheer: Uh-huh! Okay.

Kyle: Anyway. Your car is totaled.

Sasheer: What?

Female voice: Pep Boys.

Male voice: Or girls, or that third kind where you’re both.

[Cut to Aidy and Jay hugging Kate]

Kate: So, do I need new break pads or?

New Disney Movie

Pete Davidson

Bambi… Dwayne Johnson

Thumper… Taran Killam

Flower, Ludacris … Jay Pharoah

Faline… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Disney movie teasers.]

Male voice: Walt Disney has brought the magic back by turning your favorite animated classics into live action. And in 2016, Disney brings you the biggest remake yet.

[Cut to Pete pinning a sign on a wood. The sign says ‘Hunting Season’.]

[A car stops behind him. Bambi walks out of the car.]

Pete: Who the hell are you?

[Cut to Bambi. He has big ears and is smoking.]

Bambi: I’m Bambi.

[Bambi starts shooting guns]

Male voice: From the duet of Furious 7, comes a new Disney Classic on Over Drive. Bambi. Starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson as Bambi.

[Bambi visits his mom’s graveyard]

Bambi: When I was a boy, they took away my mother.

[Cut to a deer hung on a wall]

[Cut to a boy screaming “Mommy”]

Now, it’s time for them to pay. Deerly!

[Cut to Thumper walking in. He has rabbit ears too.]

Male voice: Vin Diesel as Thumper.

[Cut to Bambi and Thumper]

Bambi: Why do they call you Thumper?

Thumper: Coz I’m always thumping.

Bambi: You’re always what?

Thumper: I’m always thumping.

Bambi: Yeah, yeah! It’s always something, huh?

Thumper: No. I’m always normal.

[Cut to Flower]

Male voice: Tyrese Gibson as Flower.

Flower: I smell bad, but I look good. Wow!

[Cut to Faline running and shooting.]

Male voice: And Michelle Rodriguez as Faline, AKA, the girl Bambi.

[Cut to Bambi, Thumper, Flower and Faline planning]

Bambi: They call themselves Tanglewood. They’re a hunting club. They kill for sport. Like it or not, we’re part of the game. Me, you and all our forest friends.

Thumper: I ain’t got friends. I got a herd.

Faline: It’s a suicide mission.

Bambi: Well, if we’re going out, we’re going out together.

Thumper: One last ride.

Flower: Whoow!

[A butter flies by and sits on Bambi’s nose]

[Cut to Bambi, Thumper, Flower and Faline walking with the guns going for the mission.]

[Cut to Bambi enters Tanglewood. There are two men sitting on sofas.]

Bambi: What’s the matter? Never seen a deer in the headlights?

[There is crossfire between the Tanglewood men and the animals]

Kyle: Where are they?

Bobby: When you see them, give me a sign.

[Cut to Bambi]

Bambi: Here’s the sign. Deer crossing mother-[bleep] [Bambi jumps and shoots]

Male voice: Bambi! Featuring the new single from Ludacris, “Wham, Bam, Bambi.”

[Cut to Ludacris music video]

Ludacris: [rapping] Wham, Bam, Bambi… Luda!

Male voice: Disney, Bambi. Get bucked, June 2016.

Iggy Azalea show

Iggy Azalea… Kate McKinnon

TI… Jay Pharoah

Azealia Banks… Sasheer Zamata

Rafty Drans… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Iggy Azalea show intro]

Male voice: It’s the Iggy Azalea show.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea in her set]

Iggy Azalea: Guys, welcome. Welcome to the show. I’m Iggy Azalea. Thank you all sory much. I like, can’t even believe you’re here for like, little Aussie me. Like, who even am I?

[music playing]

[rapping] I tell you who I am, see y’all murder been,
tear it up dirty m* you’re my witness
tick tock on the clock as I’m big in bitches
bang bang go to sound on me clipping bitches

You know what I mean? I don’t know. Oh, I love you guys so much. So much. And speaking of love, let me introduce my producer and rap daddy TI

[Cut to TI.]

TI: Nah, nah, nah. That is absolutely correctly. I created her. She’s my frank and fine, Ay!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea]

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god! I love you so much. TI, isn’t rap so fun? And you know what else is fun? Feuds. I’m in a new feud errday. So, my first guest is one of my top feud friends, fellow rapper, Azealia Banks.

[Azelia Banks dances to the set. Iggy Azalea dances with her.]

Azelia Banks: No, no, no, no! That’s mine.

Iggy Azalea: Cool. Okay. Azealia, welcome. Oh, my god. You’re so mad at me. Our feud is so hiphop.

Azelia Banks: I came here because I was told that you were gonna apologize to me.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, how’s this for an apology then?

[rapping] click clack popping cap

Azelia Banks: [interrupting] No, no, no! No!

Iggy Azalea: Okay. Great!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: Look, I’m over this feud. And I called you a poser or whatever, but I want to bury the hatchet. And… wait, did you just put my hat on your head?

[Cut to Iggy Azalea. She is wearing the same hat as Azelia Banks.]

Iggy Azalea: What? Oh, my god! I didn’t even realize. Now, we’re twinsies!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am no one’s twinsie.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Azelia Banks]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, you’re so funny. Okay, not it’s time for my second guest. He’s my cool older cousin and my hiphop mentor, Rafty Drans.

[Rafty Drans walks in dancing]

Rafty Drans: Yeah! Gand-bang boomerang! Thanks everyone for having me.

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god. Isn’t he cute little handfull of hiphop?

Rafty Drans: Stop it. You’re making me blush all over.

Iggy Azalea: Rafty taught me everything I know about hiphop and today he’s joining me in the segment called tip-hops.

[Cut to TI]

TI: Tip-hops! Hiphop tips!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Rafty Drans]

Rafty Drans: That’s right, that’s right. So, tip hop number one, guns. When you don’t know what to do when you rap, just make a gun sound like this. “Bang bang, click clack, tip tip.” That’s a tiny gun.

Iggy Azalea: Don’t use a real gun. Safety first, guys.

Rafty Drans: Yeah.

Iggy Azalea: Tip hop number two, lists. Every good rap has a list of cool things. So, right now, Rafty, me and Azealia are going to create a whole new rap for you by making a list.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am not doing that.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, cool. Just Rafty and I then. TI, hit the beats.

[music playing]

[rapping] Gold chain, paper cranes,
stuck up hundred horsy men

Rafty Drans: Man haters, sweet potatoes
bang bang like a lang

[Cut to TI]

TI: All day! Rafty put a gun sound in his list. Respect.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Rafty Drans: Tip hop number three. When your mouth gets tired of rapping, let your booty do the talking.

[music playing. Iggy Azalea stands up and starts twerking.]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, do you like how I dance?

Azelia Banks: No.

Rafty Drans: Like how I dance?

[Rafty Drans starts twerking at Azelia Banks’s face]

Azelia Banks: A little bit.

[music stops]

Iggy Azalea: Okay, we’re almost at a time, but before we go, I wanna debut a new track. It’s about where I came from. My roots. This song is called “Money Ass”. Play the track.

[music playing]

[rapping] money ass
got that ass, got that money
got that money ass
signing checks out them jeans

Rafty Drans: Bang, bang!

Iggy Azalea: You could take that ass to the bank
and buy my ass with it
that money ass.

Right? I think that was a pretty decent rap. That’s all the time we have. I love you guys so much. Bye.