Tag: Kate McKinnon

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro]

[music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Game Show

Kurt Burton… Mikey Day

Don… Kate McKinnon

Todd… Bobby Moynihan

Marcie… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.

[Kurt Burton walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.

Marcie: Whoo!

Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.

Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

A pie on the first pick.

Marcie: Is there a towel?

Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.

Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.

Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.

Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.

Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.

Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.

[A confetti is blasted on Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.

[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]

Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.

Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.

Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Marcie: Stop.

Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?

Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.

Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?

Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.

Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.

Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.

Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.

Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!

Don: I’ll buy the pie.

Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–

Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!

Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.

Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.

Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.

Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.

[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.

Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.

Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.

Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.

Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’

First Birthday

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa McCarthy

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a group of women having a baby’s birthday party.]

Melissa Villaseñor: The kids are finally outside.

Sasheer: Great party, Jen.

Melissa Villaseñor: Thanks, guys. I know we just moved here so I really appreciate the neighborhood moms helping us celebrate little Jeremy’s first birthday. We feel really welcomed.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, well we remember what it’s like to be a young mom in a new town. And look, you have a great house and a great family. Now all you need is your animal.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, we don’t want a pet.

Sasheer: No, not a pet, silly. Your mom animal. You know, the one animal that every mom adopts as a symbol of her personality.

Melissa Villaseñor: Wait, animal?

All: Yes, your animal.

Cecily: Your animal makes everything easier. No more, what music does she like? How are her hobbies? Now, I’m just pigs. I’m done.

Melissa McCarthy: Once you embrace your animal, everything changes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at home and a voice said to me, “Your son is heading into a very important meeting.” So I chose that exact moment to call him and tell him about a girl he barely knew that had died.

Melissa Villaseñor: That seems like an inconvenient time to call.

Melissa McCarthy: I know. But I did it anyway because it was my dolphin nature.

Sasheer: I remember when I embraced my animal. Suddenly, whenever someone complimented my clothing, I respond with where I got it and how much it costs.

Leslie: Sheryl, I love that sweater.

Sasheer: Vera Wang, KOHLS, $2, jungle cats.

Melissa Villaseñor: So, how do you pick your animal?

[women laughing]

Kate: Silly girl. You seek an answer yet you do not even know the question. A deep and complex reason for your animal will come to you. For example, I think ladybugs are nice.

Leslie: My thing is angels.

Melissa Villaseñor: Um, I guess I’m just confused.

Vanessa: My animal came to me in a dream. I dreamt, I flew on great white wings. We sailed over my worries and soared over the Costco. Finally, we landed in the parking lot of the Panera Bread. And there he was, a majestic goose wearing a little hat. We made love that night.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. I’m sorry. But this sounds crazy. I don’t see how any of this applies to me.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this. Why does this pillow have a country chicken on it?

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t know. I just bought it.

Melissa McCarthy: You bought the chicken or you becoming the chicken?

Sasheer: Ladies, the animal is coming.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. No, I’ll never be like you.

Aidy: What has been put in motion cannot be undone. Soon, you’ll take your iPad to museum because your iPad is your camera.

Vanessa: All of your emails will begin with forward, forward, forward.

Melissa McCarthy: You’ll carry a nice purse and ruin it with a Purell key chain.

[All women start making their animal sound]

Leslie: I’m an angel!

[Now, Melissa Villaseñor is holding a chicken toy, wearing a chicken t-shirt]

Sasheer: Welcome, sister.

Leslie: I love you pin.

Melissa Villaseñor: The TJ Maxx by the hospital, 50 cents. Chickens!

Film Panel

Vanessa Bayer

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Lupita Nyong’o… Sasheer Zamata

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

Gay Fontaine… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Vanessa in her set]

Vanessa: Hello everyone, and welcome to Film Society of Lincoln center. Today’s panel is on the seat of women in film. I’m joined by two of today’s most sought after leading ladies., please welcome Marion Cotillard and Lupita Nyong’o.

Marion Cotillard: Bonjour. Hello.

Lupita Nyong’o: Very pretty to be here.

Vanessa: And we are honored to be joined by two film legends. First, a Hollywood icon Oscar nominee and would be victim of the black Dalia killer, the incomparable Debetter Goldry.

Debette Goldry: Debette? Debette Goldry? Is she still alive? Oh, wait, that’s me. Oh, happy spring.

Vanessa: And next to her is the silver screen siren who holds the record for most on screen love scenes at over 400. Please welcome the legendary Gay Fontaine.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, well, thank you for having booze.

Vanessa: We don’t have any alcohol.

Gay Fontaine: Alright, well, I will tell the same thing I told Richard Burton. Make it quick.

Vanessa: Hey, let’s talk about the current state of women in Hollywood.

Marion Cotillard: We must change who we are to please others.

Lupita Nyong’o: We must change our preferences to be considered agreeable.

Debette Goldry: We must remove our molars to make our faces less polish.

Gay Fontaine: Thanks Finkletown, baby.

Vanessa: I’m sorry, you did what?

Debette Goldry: Look at it. Back then, if you wanted to be a star, you had to lose a couple of bones.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, yeah, one time a producer came up to the two of us and he said, “If you remove half your ribs, I will put you in our movie.”

Marion Cotillard: My god, what did you do?

Debette Goldry: We removed half of our ribs.

Gay Fontaine: And he put us in his movie.

Debette Goldry: [holding her breasts] These are my lungs.

Vanessa: Okay. So, everybody started somewhere. What were your very first jobs in Hollywood?

Marion Cotillard: I had small parts on TV shows like Islander.

Lupita Nyong’o: I actually started in production before I went to Yale drama.

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow, yeah. My first job was as a grip.

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh, like lighting?

Debette Goldry: Oh, no, no. A grip. [gesturing like she’s holding something]

Marion Cotillard: That’s terrible.

Debette Goldry: It’s Awful judgy for someone named Marriott Courtyard.

Vanessa: So, it can be harder for actresses to get the same respect as male costars.

Gay Fontaine: You said it, sister. We were in a film where they credited us as a woman number two and woman number there.

Debette Goldry: There were only two women in the film.

Vanessa: What are some parts that you played that defied gender roles?

Lupita Nyong’o: Well, I think people were surprised to see me as an alien in ‘Star Wars.’

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow. Good for you little Peter. You know, Gay here was the first woman to fire a gun on screen.

Gay Fontaine: Now, it wasn’t in the script. It’s just that people have limits.

Debette Goldry: And for me, I was in the Sound of Music.

Gay Fontaine: What? No, you weren’t!

Debette Goldry: Oh, wait. You’re right. No, I was married to a Nazi. Sorry.

Vanessa: So, um, as actresses, you worked long days on set. How do you unwind your days off?

Debette Goldry: Oh. I’d go visit my little sister. Wink, wink. It’s my daughter.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, boy. Does she hate you?

Debette Goldry: She sure does. Happy Mother’s Day, sis.

Vanessa: Let’s pivot a little aside from your work in films. You have been the basis of major ad campaigns. How do you choose which brands to work with?

Marion Cotillard: Well, I only work with companies that empower women.

Debette Goldry: Oh, yeah, yeah. That’s too. Me and Gay were spokes models for American Lead paint.

Gay Fontaine: Now, with more lead.

Debette Goldry: We did a whistle stop tour all around the country to promote it.

Gay Fontaine: And in every stop, we would drink a little bit of lead paint.

Debette Goldry: Just to see how safe it was.

Gay Fontaine: We did great gig. It paid off my bookies.

Debette Goldry: And now I can see the future.

Vanessa: Well, it looks like we are running out of time.

Gay Fontaine: Well, you know what that means. Girls, down the ratch!

[Debette Goldry and Gay Fontaine pulls out lead paint]

Debette Goldry: Okay. We’ve got read or white. Who want’s what?

[Debette Goldry and Gay Fontaine starts eating the paint]

Amazon Echo

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with an old man looking in the mirror in his house]

Male voice: The new Amazon Echo has everyone asking Alexa for help.

Kenan: Alexa, what time is it? What the hell is wrong with this blasted thing? Amanda!

Male voice: But the latest technology isn’t always easy to use for people of a certain age.

Kenan: These kids have bought me a busted machine again. Odessa!

Male voice: That’s why, Amazon partnered with AARP to present the new Amazon Echo Silver. The only smart speaker designed specifically to be used by the greatest generation. It’s super loud and responds to any name even remotely close to Alexa. So they can find out the weather.

[Cut to Kate sitting in a couch]

Kate: Allegra! What is the weather outside?

Alexa: It is 74 degrees and sunny.

Kate: Huh?

Alexa: It is 74 degrees and sunny.

Kate: Where?

Alexa: Outside.

Kate: What about it?

Alexa: The temperature outside is 74 degrees and sunny.

Kate: I don’t know about that.

Male: The latest in sports.

Kenan: Collessa, how many did ol Satchel strike out last night?

Alexa: Satchel Page died in 1982.

Kenan: Yeah. How many he get?

Alexa: Satchel Page is dead.

Kenan: Whatnow?

Alexa: Died!

Kenan: Who did?

Alexa: Satchel Page.

Kenan: I don’t know about that.

Male voice: Even local news and pop culture.

Leslie: Anita! What them boys up to across the street?

Alexa: They are just playing.

Leslie: They what now?

Alexa: They are just playing.

Leslie: You say they’re just playing now?

Alexa: Yes, they are just plying.

Leslie: I don’t know about that.

Male voice: Pair to smart devices like your thermostat.

Kate: Allesandra, turn the heat up.

Alexa: The room is already 100 degrees.

Kate: Are you trying to kill me, Alexandra?

Male voice: The new Amazon Echo Silver plays all the music they loved when they were young.

Kyle: Angela, play black jazz.

Alexa: Play, uh… Jazz.

[music playing]

Male voice: It also has a quick scan feature to help them find things.

Aidy: Elelia, where did I put the phone?

Alexa: Ugh! The phone is in your right hand.

Male voice: And it has an ‘Uh-huh’ feature for long rambling stories.

Kenan: So then I gave him five dollars. And he said, “I only gave him one dollar.”

Alexa: Uh-huh.

Kenan: I said I know I gave you a five.

Alexa: Uh-huh.

Kenan: Cause I only had a five and one on me.

Alexa: Uh-huh.

Kenan: And this is the one right here. [showing five dollars]

Alexa: Uh-huh.

Kenan: So, I mean, you tell me who is crazy.

Male voice: Amazon Echo Silver. Get your’s today. I said get your’s today! To order Amazon Echo Silver, send a check or money order to Amazon.com right now.

Theme Song Game

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Jen… Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Brad… Chris Pine

[Starts with three couples playing a game in house]

Kenan: Okay, guys. Game night continues. You ready? Guess this theme. [singing] Thank you for being a friend.

Beck: Oh! Oh! It’s ‘Friends’.

Jen: Friends? No, it’s ‘Golden Girls.’

Kate: Honey, you know that.

Beck: I was close.

Kate: You weren’t close. Who’s up next?

Cecily: You know what? We haven’t gone yet.

Brad: Yeah. I think. Is it our turn?

Kenan: Yeah, guys. Go for it. Just pick a card and sing that thing.

Cecily: Okay. Alright. [picks a card]You know what? This one needs two people. Brad, do this one with me, honey.

Brad: You know what? I’m gonna grab a synthesizer.

Cecily: Oh! Should we?

Kate: No, you don’t have to do that. You can just sing it normal.

Cecily: Well, yeah. But we brought it.

Brad: It’s right behind the couch. It’s not a big issue.

Jen: It is.

Brad: Yeah.

[Jen passes the synthesizer to Brad.]

Cecily: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me just–

Brad: So, what are you–

Cecily: Alright, you wanna do the– you do that–

Brad: I’ll do that thing.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brad: Okay, so, five, six, seven…

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.]

Cecily: That’s right, Jie. Run to your work. Avoid your feelings. Just leave me behind without saying goodbye.

Brad: I didn’t think you cared to hear me.

Cecily: Didn’t think I care to hear it? Or didn’t have the nerve so say it to my face?

[Others are watching them with interest]

Brad: [singing] You know exactly what you mean to me

Cecily: I don’t, Joe. [Cecily and Brad stand] [ ] You keep everything up inside

Brad: That’s how my mind works flow
I said that when we met

Cecily: You guys, you know what it is yet?

Brad: Yeah. Nobody is guessing.

Cecily: Come on, it’s obvious.

[Others are now confused]

Kenan: This is a theme song from a show?

Beck: Is it Friends?

Brad: You’ll get it. Let’s keep going.

Cecily: Okay, okay.

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.]

[Cecily and Brad start walking around]

Cecily: Dammit, Joe! Look at what’s happened to us. [singing] I’m leaving coz it will never change

Brad: Your expectations are too big

Cecily: I respect myself to much
to love someone who never loved me back

Brad: You know that’s not true

Kate: We don’t know this.

[Cecily and Brad walk to the window and stare outside singing.]

Cecily: [singing] You cannot handle us, Joe
You can only handle you

Brad: Then I guess there’s nothing left

Cecily and Brad: Think it’s goodbye. 

Brad: I warned you this would happen! [Brad punches and breaks the window in front of him]

Kate: My god! Is that what we just saw? He just broke our window!

Beck: His hand is cut really bad.

Cecily: Here, here, Jen. Take over the Synth, okay? Just follow along.

Brad: We’ll take it from here.

[music playing]

Cecily: [singing] Give me your hand

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: You’re bleeding

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: Give me your hand, Joe
so I can wrap your wound

[Cecily tears the curtain of the window and wraps it on Brad’s wound.]

Kenan: Ay! Did she just rip our nice curtains?

Cecily: Does it hurt?

Brad: [singing] The pain was nothing compared to losing you

Cecily and Brad: I’m sorry if I hurt you
I only meant to love you

Beck: I have no idea what this is. Just grab their card.

[Kate pulls their card and looks at it]

Kate: It says Frasier.

Beck: You guys, it says Frasier!

Cecily: Yes!

Brad: That’s it!

Cecily: Well done.

Brad: You got it. Well done.

Kenan: Well, now hang on. Isn’t Frasier more like,  [singing] “say, say, baby, I hear the blues are calling
toss salad and scrambled eggs”

Cecily: No, no. Frasier is…

Cecily and Brad: [singing] I never meant to hurt you

I only meant to love you

Kate: That’s not Frasier.

Cecily: Yea. Yea, it is. It’s the broadway musical about Joe Frazier, the boxer.

Brad: The boxer. And his wife Florence Smith.

Jen: What?

Cecily: Yeah! Guys, it was written by Bradsky brother and his partner just right before they broke up. Hey, so we go again, right? Coz we got it?

Brad: Well, let’s see.

Cecily: Alright, here. You do it. [Cecily pulls a card and gives it to Brad]

Brad: Um, oh! ‘Caroline in the City’.

Kenan: Well, you just said it.

[Cecily pulls the synthesizer]

Cecily: Well, well, that’s alright. We can still do it, right? [Cecily starts playing synthesizer]

Cecily and Brad: [singing] Caroline mama’s drinking again

Kenan: I know what it is.

Jen: Oh, yeah.

Morning Joe

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborougn… Alex Moffat

Mike Barnicle… Bobby Moynihan

Mark Halperin… Beck Bennett

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

[Starts with ‘Morning Joe’ intro]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Mika Brzezinski: Good Morning.

Joe Scarborougn: How are you doing?

Mika Brzezinski: Good morning. That’s “Rock n’ roll all night” by Kiss.

Joe Scarborougn: Great song.

Mika Brzezinski: If you’re listening to loud classic rock followed by the most casual of political conversations, it must be ‘Morning Joe’.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, guys, they did it. Okay? The house has passed their healthcare plan which might take health insurance away from twentyfour million Americans. Many of them are swing voters in twentyeighteen, if morality doesn’t matter to them, maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: I mean maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe pure politics should?

Mika Brzezinski: I mean, it’s crazy.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika’s over.

Mika Brzezinski: I am. I’m up it. I’m over it. I’m past it. I’m in the driveway. The car is running. This part– this party– your party, republican party is–

Joe Scarborougn: Watch it.

Mika Brzezinski: — is completely morally bankrupt.

Joe Scarborougn: Oh, Mika!

Mika Brzezinski: I’ll just point. No–

Joe Scarborougn: That’s enough. Okay? You’re being sneaky because you know what pushes my button.

Mika Brzezinski: [looking at Joe Scarborougn] Does that? Push your buttons?

Joe Scarborougn: It does. [both looks to the camera] Mike Barnicle, what is going on with this bill?

[Cut to Mike Barnicle. He’s looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock]

Mike Barnicle: Ah, I don’t know what’s going on. This bill– This bill is puzzling.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, Mike. Congress doesn’t even have a CVO score on this. Is this just about– Is this just about getting a win? I mean there’s a lot of people with pre-existing conditions who are probably just furious right now.

Mika Brzezinski: Like, C-section.

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah.

Mika Brzezinski: A C-section is a pre-existing condition. And you know what’s not a pre-existing condition? Erectile dysfunction.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold on.

Mika Brzezinski: And isn’t that–

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, here we go. Mika, you’re being dramatic.

Mika Brzezinski: No, but here’s what I’m being.

Joe Scarborougn: Ay, Mika mouse, Mika mouse, you’re being a little stinker–

Mika Brzezinski: But let me finish.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re being a little stinker.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m not being a stinker.

Joe Scarborougn: Hey! Mika-boo.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn have come very close to each other.]

Mika Brzezinski: Am I being a stinker?

Joe Scarborougn: Yes, you’re being a stinker and it’s not gonna work.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah?

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn are about to kiss, but they pause and look at camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Mark Halperin, the senate can’t be pleased at the house just threw this in their lap. I mean, what is their relationship like now?

[Cut to Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with disgust.]

Mark Halperin: What is their relationship like? Confusing.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Willie Geist, what do you see in here?

[Cut to Willie Geist]

Willie Geist: Um, what am I seeing here? I have no idea. I have so many unanswered questions.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, what about Trump? He hasn’t read the bill.

Mika Brzezinski: I can’t.

Joe Scarborougn: And back during the election–

Mika Brzezinski: I won’t.

Joe Scarborougn: Trump called into our show but he doesn’t do it anymore because he just shut himself off from anyone who can challenge him.

Mika Brzezinski: It’s sad. It’s sad but it’s true. And for some insight into this, we’re gonna talk to a man who says he’s with Trump every single day on the phone. We have a publicist named John Miller live from the Whitehouse.

Joe Scarborougn: Terrific.

Male voice: Hello, Joe, Mica, this is John Miller. [it’s the voice of Donald Trump] I’m sort of a new here.

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, glad to finally hear from you, Mr. Miller.

Male voice: First, I wanna wish everyone a happy Cinco de Mayo which is the day all Mexicans eat a sink full of mayonnaise.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Miller. Do you work in the White House?

Male voice: I do. Yes. I do. I work very hard. So, incredibly hard. Mika, I’m just celebrating the fantastic success we had with congress yesterday. After congress voted, we had a party. There was bill, a disaster that Obamacare has finally been repealed

Joe Scarborougn: Hold on, sir. It’s not repealed yet. The bill still has to pass the senate.

Male voice: What now?

Joe Scarborougn: The bill goes through the senate. They might even re-write the entire thing if they pass it at all.

Male voice: But there was beer.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Mlller, the bill has a long way to go. So, it seems a little premature to celebrate.

Male voice: You know what? We’re going to look into this. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay.

Mika Brzezinski: Here’s what I want to say. Don’t stop me.

Joe Scarborougn: Go ahead.

Mika Brzezinski: The president is mentally ill.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold–

Mika Brzezinski: He has entered a state of psychosis.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika! Mika! You’re being naughty. Okay? You’re being very naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, I am being naughty?

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, you’re being real naughty.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn start getting close to each other again]

Mika Brzezinski: Why don’t you stop me?

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe you need some of the punishing for being naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m a bad journalist.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re not a bad journalist. You’re a bad kitty.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow.

[Mika Brzezinski bites Joe Scarborougn’s nose.]

[Cut to Mike Barnicle and Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock.]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn. They look to the camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Alright. We’re gonna address the elephant in the room.

Mika Brzezinski: Let’s! [inhales heavily]

Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Sully and Denise (Rachel Dratch)

Alex Moffat

Sully… Jimmy Fallon

Denise… Rachel Dratch

Cecily Strong

Little Denise… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video recorded by a camera phone. Alex is speaking.]

Alex: So, this is Straus hall originally built in 1926. It has been home to such notable alums as Burroughs and chief justice John Roberts

Sully: I remember my childhood habit. I showed up for a medical experiment. I slept for three days. They paid me $3.

Denise: Wicked pissa! This place is beautiful. It’s like Hogwarts with more asians.

Sully: I would be Gryffindor.

Denise: Your are Hufflepuff and you know it.

Sully: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out]

Alex: Great! Um, does anybody have any questions?

Cecily: Oh, yes. what percentage of freshman live on campus?

Sully: Also, is there an in-house Dunkin?

Denise: Yeah. I’m in dire need of a butter can Dunkinccino.

Alex: I’m sorry, folks. Who are you?

Sully: Um, my name is Patt Solven. This is my girl Denise.

Denise: Call me Zaa-Zoo. Unless I’m at work, in which case, call me doctor.

Cecily: Um, what kind of medice do you practice?

Denise: Oh, no, sweetheart. I wear a lab coat and insert hearts in the build-a-bears at the Burlington mall.

Alex: Um, I’m really sorry. This tour is for accepted students and their parents.

Denise: Uh, yeah! No durp Sherlock. Our daughter is over there pretending to be part of another family. [Little Denise is hiding behind Indian parents] Come on, say hi, lil Denise.

Little Denise: My gosh, dad, you promised me you weren’t going to film this.
Sully: Are you kidding me? It’s a momentous occasion. You are the first person in our family to complete an application.

Denise: Of any kind, of any kind. [pointing Sully] This one couldn’t get through an application to the Abby’s reward’s club.

Sully: It’s worth it though.

Little Denise: Mom, why did Tommy have to come? It’s 2017, you could cold the cameraphone yourself.

Denise: Ah! Don’t knock your uncle Tommy. He’s the only one that knows how to use those filters.

Sully: Hey, Tommy, hit me. Watch this. Watch.

[Sully and Denise have puppy snapchat filters]

Woof! Woof! Yea!

Alex: So, um, little Denise will be matriculating to Harvard in the fall?

Little Denise: Yes.

Sully: She’s undecided. It’s between Harvard and my Alma Mater, mcneelyheatingandcooling.com.

Denise: yeah. Little D’s is a certified brainiac. she’s like Good Will Hunting.

Sully: Yeah. She’s a math genius. And a violent prodigy.

Denise: She gets that from me though. I am a wiz a karaoke, right? [singing] Pour some sugar on me!

Little Denise: That’s not appropriate right now.

Denise: God bless you. God bless you, little D.  You always taught us what is and isn’t appropriate.

Sully: yeah, for example, we used to call each other re–

Little Denise: [interrupting] Dad! Dad!

Sully: But now we have to say you’re intellectually disabled.

Denise: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out.

Leslie: I have a question. What is this school’s policy on drinking on campus?

Alex: Um, sure. We have a very strict policy. We monitor all campus spaces and alcohol is not permitted anywhere on the premises.

[Denise is drinking her alcohol in one shot to finish it.]

Sully: Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Alright.

Little Denise: Please excuse my parent’s behavior. They ate a lot of paint chips growing up.

Sully: Yeah. We sure did. We called them radiator nachos.

Little Denise: Probably effected the development of the pre-frontal cortex.

Denise: Sweetheart, sweetheart, you know we can’t understand you when you talk all smart like that.

Little Denise: I was just saying you’re being wicked odd. Drop your rod socks, stick your head under a bubble before you end up getting hold back to bricker in the back of the crosa.

Denise: Copy that.

Sully: Message received. So, how much is a year?

Alex: Current tuition is $63,025.

Denise: A week?

Alex: No. A year.

Denise: No register, no better.

Sully: Hey, are there scholarships for ethnic students? Her middle name is Nomar.

Denise: Nomar!

Little Denise: Nomar!

Sully: Nomar!

Alex: Um, I am actually not sure that qualifies.

Sully: Um, well that price is a tag dear, but we can make sacrifices. For example, what does a man in my situation need with so many kidneys?

Denise: Yeah! I mean, I could get a night job doing night jobs by the bridge. I could.

Little Denise: No, you guys. It’s fine. I will go to McNeili. I will never fit in here with all these fancy kids.

Leslie: Um, excuse me, but do you know when this Manchester by the sea thing will be over so we can continue with the tour?

Denise: Come on! We on’t need these stuff shirt. Let’s go do donuts in the parking lot of Stop and Shop.

Little Denise: Oh, like we used to do when I was a kid.

Denise: Exactly.

[Sully, Denise and Little Denise leave]

Alex: Um, okay, back to our tour. Surrounding us are the freshman dorms. That’s Holas, that’s Stotten and that’s Hurlbutt.

[Sully and Denise run back]

Sully: Wait, seriously? Hurlbutt? That’s fur real?

Alex: Um, yes.

Little Denise: So, if you live there and someone asks where you live, you say…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: And if you eat of bunch of Chipotle and suddenly you have to run back to your dorn, you run back to…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: Oh, my god! Tommy, please tell me you got that.

Denise: Harvard it is. We’ll make it work.

Middle School Musical

Aidy Bryant

Hailey… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three girls at the dressing room of the musical show]

Aidy: It is so cool that Mrs. Harrity is letting us to Legally Blonde, the musical.

Hailey: Specially since we’re the first middle school in all of Kansas to perform it.

Kate: For most people in the audience, this is going to be the first time that they see this show.

Aidy: Which means, they’re gonna remember this show for the rest of their lives.

[Cut to the Musical Show. Aidy and Hailey are doing very bad mumbling gibberish.]

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Hailey: It sucks that Stephanie can’t still be in this play.

Kate: She missed two rehearsals.

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it’d be too hard to catch up on all that choreography.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are just running around and singing bad.]

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Kate: Can’t wait for my big solo number. Must me alone in the spotlight.

[Cut to Kate singing her solo on the stage. But the spotlight is not on her. She is at the dark spot.]

[Cut back to the dressing room. Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Hey, Hailey, I can’ wait for our song. Your vocal is just amazing.

Hailey: I think it’s just combination of our voices is what works. They literally become one.

Aidy: You guys honestly seem like a real couple.

Hailey: What?

[Cut to Hailey and Kyle on the stage. They’re singing very bad.]

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Aidy: Can middle school productions win Tony’s.

Kate: No.

Aidy: That’s not fair.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are singing bad. Aidy falls off the stage.]

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Hailey: Our finale is so good.

Aidy: I know they don’t use wires in the broadway version, but I think it can give our production a wow factor.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are singing bad. The choreography is very bad.]

Aidy: I think I’m getting my period.

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Aidy, Hailey and Kate: No mistakes!

[Cut to the stage where they are bowling after the show.]

Kate: How do you think it went?

Aidy: Perfect! [her nose is bleeding]

[cheers and applause]