Tag: Kenan Thompson

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’]

[right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’]

[right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

Ariana Grande Monologue

Ariana Grande

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana Grande.

[Ariana Grande walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ariana Grande: Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I’m Ariana Grande and I’m a singer, not a Starbucks drink. I’m so honored and excited to be hosting and performing tonight. It’s been a dream of mine to be on this stage ever since I was a little girl which was two months go. I’ve been singing and acting since I was eight. I started my career on kids TV doing Nickelodeon.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, indeed. Yes. What an amazing place to launch a career, am I right?

Ariana Grande: That’s right, Kenan. We both started out doing Nickelodeon shows but of course that’s not the only thing people know us for anymore.

Kenan: Well, speak for yourself. I’ve been doing show for 30 damn years and people still ask me twice a week, “Where is Kel?”

Ariana Grande: Classic. I loved you guys. Do you guys still stay in touch?

Kenan: [yelling] A little bit!

[Kenan walks away]

Ariana Grande: Yeah, it can be tough growing up in show business. A lot of kid stars end up doing drugs, are in jail or pregnant, or get caught looking at doughnut they didn’t pay for. Which, yes, was childish and stupid. I’ve learned that it’s really time to grow up. I think I’m in a place where I am ready to be caught in a real adult scandal.

[music playing]

A real scandal, you know? Something to take my career to next level. Something that says, “Welcome to Hollywood, kid.” Miley’s had em, Bieber’s had em, everyone’s had em and each day I sit by my window and I dream what will my scandal be?

[singing] They’ll say, “She’s a hot mess”
or “What a disgrace”
They’ll say, “Is that botox in her butt and in her face?”
That tweet about the Jews wasn’t really point at taste
Oh what will my scandal be?

Maybe I’ll throw a fit in in LA hotel
or make life for the staff, a true living hell
I’ll puke in the pool, or pimp stop Adele, oh shit!
What will my scandal be?

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Ariana! I was just in your dressing room smelling all your clothes and you just left your cell phone out girl. You have to be careful, you know? Someone could hack into and just post everything on the internet.

Ariana Grande: Oh my god, that would be amazing.

Cecily: No, no, no.

Ariana Grande: When I was a little girl, my mama told me that I’d grow up and make millions of strangers mad at me. And now it’s finally happening. Thank you.

[Cecily leaves]

[singing] Maybe diet pills with scramble my brain
I’ll light up in first class and get kicked off of plane.
Maybe I’ll have a love child with Drake or 2Chainz
What will my scandal be?

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey, Ariana. I overheard. Do you like to smoke some pot or something?

Ariana Grande: Pot? Let’s smoke some crack, man!

Pete: I’m good.

[Pete turns around and leaves]

Ariana Grande: [singing] Imagine what they’ll say
Imagine what they’ll write
I could sleep in at the Super Bowl
And ruin my career overnight

My very own scandal
My very own scandal

Oh, what will my scandal be?

We’ve got a great show. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Silver Star Catering

Taran Killam

Toby… Jonah Hill

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

[Starts with colleagues having a meal together]

Taran: Alright, I think we can all agree that the basic financials make sense. Let’s get into the needy greedy of the merger. I’m really sorry we had to work through dinner but we’ve got a lot to go through.

[Toby walks in]

Toby: And don’t worry. We have enough food because the whole event is catered by Silver Star Catering.

Taran: That’s right. I actually forget to mention. We are trying a new caterer out. So, enjoy. Okay, now what I wanna do is focus on–

[Toby walks in again]

Toby: All bunches in the snack platters have been made by hand. Enjoy.

Taran: Okay. Great. Thank you again. Dave, you brought the latest proposal.

Beck: Got it right here, sir. Pass these out please. Alright. And you see, [Beck picks up chips and eats it] um.

Toby: And we’re a freaking hit!

Beck: As you can see from the latest proposal, there’s going to be hiring freeze. If not, some short term layoffs.

[Cut to Toby talking on the phone]

Toby: Mike, it’s Toby. Just wanna give you a little run down of what’s happening. The food is on absolute runaway. Smash hit!

[Cut to Kenan and 5]

Kenan: So obviously this will need to be approached with some delicacy?

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Of course. Lot of hard choices to be made on both sides.

[Cut to Toby talking on the phone]

Toby: They liking it? I’ll tell ya’. Everything! The chicken wraps, munched! The roast piece sandwiches, munched!

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Um, sir.

Toby: Kinwa, munched! House!

Taran: Hey, excuse me!

Toby: Dry pepper paneer, scorfed!

Taran: Excuse me! Excuse me.

Toby: Yeah, I’m on the phone.

Taran: Yeah, I know, and you’re being very loud.

Toby: Pigs in a blanket, let me check. Absolutely munched! Even the new monkey bird is gobbled.

Taran: Okay, you know what Toby? I think we have a bit of a problem here.

Toby: Mike, we’re a hit. I’m crying. The spicy humus, chomped! It’s a miracle. We’re gonna need to scale up. Hire five black guys.

[Cut to Kenan looking at Toby angrily]

Kenan: Black guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Toby: And Mike, don’t get me started on the goodies. Twizzlers, munched! Bon M&ms, no nice way to say it, raped! Italian cookies, finger blasted.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Toby!

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Bola ranch, gang-banged! Dallas 500, it took em’ all. It took em all and it loved it.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No one has even touched the ranch.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: I’m on the phone. It’s a business call. [whispering] Sorry Mike, it’s a mad house. What? What do you mean your’e getting robbed?

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: okay, why doesn’t everybody just read the proposal on their own quietly?

[Toby leans toward’s 6’s and Toby’s ears]

Toby: Oh, they’re eating like hogs in a truck full of hog slob midge, midge, midge. She didn’t even come up for air. She’s deep-throating the broccoli, Mike. What do you mean you’re still getting robbed? Fight back, Mike. Fight back. Hand the phone to them. Hello. Let go of Mike. He started? He tied to rob you first? Oh, Mike!

Taran: Alright! Should we take a break, maybe order some pizzas?

[Everyone stands and walks away. They haven’t ate anything.]

Toby: Let’s see what we got here.

[Toby picks a piece, puts it in his mouth, then spits it]

Oh, my god! This is gross. No wonder Sam’s club is throwing it out.

[The End]

Murder Interrogation

Mr. Duflapy… Kenan Thompson

Inspector… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Mr. Westin… Jonah Hill

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

[Starts with some people being gathered by inspector in a castle]

Mr. Duflapy: Alright inspector, why have you called us here? My train departs in an hour.

Inspector: No one’s going anywhere as currently your host Mr. Foxso lies in his bedroom dead from a bullet wound making one of you a murderer.

Cecily: Well, this is ridiculous. I’m an American. I have rights.

Mr. Westin: Yes, inspector. Please do get to the point.

Inspector: Of course. All I need to know is where each of you were this evening between the hours of 6:30 and eight pm.

Kate: I was plucking the feathers from the pheasant and putting little carrots in his throat and onions in it’s bum, the way Mr. Foxso prefers. Sweet to the top and savory in the ass.

Aidy: And I saw her on the way to the rose garden.

Mr. Duflapy: Where she saw me doing my kind of things and my deep knee bends.

Cecily: And we were at the library having intercourse on the table. I’m not ashamed, I’m an American.

Beck: Indeed.

Inspector: Well, then Mr. Westin, it seems that everyone has been accounted for except for you.

Mr. Westin: To be honest inspector, I can’t even recall where I was between 6:30 to eight.

Kate: I just remembered something. While I was plucking that pheasant, I heard 24 separate toilet flushes in a span of 90 minutes coming from Mr. Westin’s bathroom. Does that help your investigation?

Inspector: Hmm, it is curious. Does that sound familiar to you Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [laughing] It really doesn’t. I would recall doing something like that.

Cecily: I just remembered something too. While in the library, we could hear the pipes through the wall sounding as if they were handling something they had never handled before. It was almost as if they were crying.

Mr. Westin: Okay, I fear like, this is hanging in a direction I’m not comfortable with. Maybe we should look for fingerprints.

Aidy: Wait! I can’t believe I forgot this but I heard a terrible groaning and someone muttering, “No, no, no, this is too much. There are people around. Why today? I did this already this morning.” Does that help with the murder inspector?

Mr. Westin: What are you doing to me?

Mr. Duflapy: The geese!

Inspector: What about the geese, Mr. Duflapy.

Mr. Duflapy: Well, it was the strangest thing. I was doing my back bends so I was facing the sky when I noticed two hands open Mr. Westin’s bathroom window. At the same moment, a flock of geese flew by the very same window and drops dead instantly.

Mr. Westin: I didn’t kill geese.

Kate: Well, the geese were dead. They were all lying there with their little wings over their noses and their eyes were crossed.

Mr. Westin: Geese can’t cross their eyes.

Beck: Actually they can. I studied them in the Island. Geese will cross their eyes when confronted with physical horror.

Mr. Westin: This has nothing to do with the murder. He was killed downstairs. God!

Cecily: Downstairs? Well, wait a second. I do remember now seeing the char remains of men’s white underpants as well as trousers. It was as if someone burnt them in shame and ran out of the room as I entered.

Mr. Westin: This is ridiculous.

Inspector: Mr. Westin! When exactly did you change in to these women’s lace bloomers?

Aidy: Why? Those are mine!

Inspector: It almost looks ex– pardon me! It looks like you had to replace your trousers suddenly. Do you care to explain, Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [yelling] Alright! I was in the bathroom for hour and half going through a catastrophe.

Beck: What is the state of the bathroom at this time?

Mr. Westin: Oh, my god! Not good! Okay? I will take care of it. And P.S., there’s still a murder on the loose. Do we still care about that?

Inspector: Oh, there is no murderer on the loose. She is sitting right next to me.

[Inspector catches Kate by her arm]

Kate: I’ve done it. Walk me away.

Inspector: It was obvious because there was gun powder on the pheasant.

Cecily: Inspector, you’re a genius.

Mr. Westin: You’re fanny whore. You knew that entire time she did it and yet we spent time making me a monster for something everyone does in the bathroom.

Mr. Duflapy: But it was just so extreme.

Mr. Westin: I know! I know, I was there. I was scared. And now I don’t know how to boat. I just remember, I didn’t drive here. So I need a ride to town. So, who’s going to be cool? It could be anybody.

[Everyone just leaves the room]

Okay, so everyone’s just breaking into groups and walking away talking. Great!

[The End]

 

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away]

[Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones’s List

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Manwel… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day has officially started right now and here to comment is our Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! How y’all doing? Thanks for having me, Colin. Happy valentine’s day everybody.

Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day Leslie. Are you having a good one? Are you having a good valentine’s day?

Leslie Jones: I am not you sexy miracle whip. I just wanna spread you on my sandwich. Listen, [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m happy being single on valentine’s day because I know the perfect man is out there for me.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. Well, they say there’s someone for everyone. Do you know what you’re looking for?

Leslie Jones: Absolutely. You want a list? [Cut to Leslie Jones] Let’s dim the lights. [The lights dim] Give me something smooth Manwel.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Who is Manwel?

Leslie Jones: He is my piano player.

[Cut to Manwel playing piano]

Manwel: Ola.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Take it away, Manwel. My perfect man is happy, kind, a good kisser but not wet. Don’t slob on me. Good breath. Treats me with respect. Tight ass. Considerate. I’m talking about an ass so tight, it can crack walnuts. I love walnuts. Good hair. Nice skin. Smells like an Israeli. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] Have you ever smelled an Israeli?

Colin Jost: Definitely not. No.

Leslie Jones: [whispering] So good.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Generous. Punctual. Good size penis. One that is circumcised and functioning all the time. Big smile, which shouldn’t be a problem if your penis is functioning all the time. I wanna man who is confident. Likes flowers but don’t send me any flowers because I don’t life flowers. Flowers is death. You know how body decomposes and starts to stink? That’s what you sending me when you sending me flowers. Coz you done already cut them up and you sending to me coz they dead! And they stink of death. Death-fumes. I got a bag full of rotten garbage dead flowers. A bag full of death.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [putting his hand of Leslie’s shoulder] Are you okay, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: [looks at his hand touching her and smiles] I’m fine.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Patient. [Colin laughing] Hate avocados. I need a man that talks dirty to me but not so dirty where I gotta give him this look. [makes faces] I want a man that’s loyal. Funny, but not funnier than me. And so far, that has not been problem. [Michael Che laughing] Smokes weed. Mom loves me but not enough where she wants to hang out with me, unless she smokes weed. I want a man who can grill a steak without having to cut into it and check if it’s cooked [looking at Colin] like a little bitch.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey! How many steaks have you seen me cut?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Completely despises avocados.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, wait! You already mentioned the avocados

Leslie Jones: Then clearly that is important to me Jost!

Colin Jost: I have to say Leslie, this is quite a list of demands.

Leslie Jones: Because these are the qualities that I admire about myself. Except for the part about the good sized penis. But make no mistake, that if I had a penis, it would be huge!

Colin Jost: [laughing] Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: Huge!

Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]

Dude!

Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]

Cul-De-Sac Reaction

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Dadi… Melissa McCarthy

Diane… Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Cul-De-Sac test screening]

Cecily: Okay, hi there folks. Again, we appreciate you all attending our test screening this evening. Now, we reviewed your comment cards and the Cul-De-Sac was one of our highest scoring horror movies in four years.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, man. I loved it, man. Y’all twisted and I like that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, that is great to hear. Now show hands, how many of you experienced a jump scare during the film? That’s where you physically jumped in your seat.

[Cut to many people raising their hands]

Dadi: One or two jump scares in there for me. Spilled a little bit of soda. I think he got heat on your hands.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, let’s hope so. As you know, were were taping the audience during the screening for our television and web ads and you guys gave us some great reactions we’d like to use. Now, we wanted to show you some before you sign the releases.

[Cecily plays the video]

[Cut to the audience reaction video.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Ah! had a little jump there.

[Cut to Diane]

Diane: Oh, my god! It’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. Now, this was taken during the first murder scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi spits soda all over Vanessa who is sitting in front of her, and then spills her soda at Kenan at the back when getting scared.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wow! Dadi, you were pretty scared there.

[Cut to Dadi and Diane]

Dadi: Um, I think that clip might have been Diane.

Diane: No. It was you.

Dadi: Well, I guess it’s kind of hard to tell with night vision.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Now here’s you guys watching the monsters in the trees sequence.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Leslie gets scared. Dadi is puking. Vanessa looks at her but Dadi punches her face and pukes again.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: By the way, that young woman who was punched is shaken, but she’s otherwise fine.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Well, for the record, I barely touched her. I think she’s a little bit of a drama queen.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. You guys, you gave us some real great stuff during that final chase scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi is making a scene at the theatre. She pulls off Pete’s shirt. Pete runs away scared of Dadi.]

Dadi in reaction video: I’m pissing myself. I’m pissing myself.

[Leslie is laughing at her]

Leslie in reaction video: Man, this bitch is pissing on herself.

[Dadi pushes everyone making her way to run outside the theatre]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So, you’re all okay with these? We have some releases for you.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh! I’d love to be on TV. I’m not sure if it’s worth losing my dignity over.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, you’ll get $250.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh, yeah. Deal.

[Cut to a commercial board with the poster of the movie and picture of Dadi puking.]

Super Bowl Greeting

Cam Newton… Kenan Thompson

Peyton Mannnig… Taran Killam

Policemen… Beck Bennett, Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Super Bowl greeting intro]

Male voice: And now, a Super Bowl greeting from Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[Cut to Cam Newton and Peyton Manning sitting and playing the piano]

Cam Newton: Oh, hey there Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Oh, hey Cam.

Cam Newton: You ready for the big game tomorrow?

Peyton Manning: I mean, not physically, but otherwise sure!

Cam Newton: What a special match-up it’s gonna be, huh?

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory
facing off in Super Bowl 50

Cam Newton: The media coverage was interesting this week too.

Peyton Manning: Yeah. I’m just trying to enjoy the whole experience, you know? I’ve been smiling all week, giving people high-fives.

Cam Newton: That sounds great. And when you did that, did they accuse you of show boating and call you a thug?

Peyton Manning: No, not really.

Cam Newton: Hmm, maybe that’s because

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: In the press there’s a real discrepancy

Peyton Manning: Well, I will say I did get a couple of tough questions from reporters too.

Cam Newton: Tough questions?

Peyton Manning: Yes sir.

Cam Newton: Oh, that’s a shame. I got letters from angry mothers in Tennessee because I dance too much.

Peyton Manning: Well, you do celebrate a lot more than me

Cam Newton: Coz I have Bobby5 touchdowns and you have like, three

Peyton Manning: Actually, it was nine.

Cam Newton: In how many interceptions?

Peyton Manning: I don’t think they keep stats on that anymore. Look, white quarterbacks got tough time too, Cam. I mean look at Johnny Manziel. The Browns just released him.

Cam Newton: Yeah, and all he did was get drunk, missed practice and get accuse of assaulting his girlfriend. But he couldn’t do one thing that could save him… win!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: Why would anyone be afraid of me?
I do ads for Greek yogurt and Kids Tv

Peyton Manning: And I hang out with Papa John who’s like way creepy

Cam Newton: Yeah, what is the deal with that Papa John guy anyway?

Peyton Manning: Oh! Do not know man! The other day I walked in on the guy, he was kissing one of his pizzas. And I actually heard him whisper to it, “Let’s get you out those toppings.”

Cam Newton: Oh, damn!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, it was way bad man. Let’s just say that I think he might have lost his mind.

Cam Newton: I caught it. Well, if you do retire, we’re gonna miss you Peyton. You’re one of the greatest of all time.

Peyton Manning: Well, thank you very much Cam. And I know that whatever happens, the game is in very good hands with you. We may not have the same style, but I certainly do like your’s a lot.

Cam Newton: Oh, come on, man!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory
we’re as different as two quarterbacks could be
but there’s one thing we both agree
we are never gonna see that Concussion movie

Peyton Manning: Hey, I want to show you some of your famous moves of your game, huh?

Cam Newton: Alright! Alright!

[Cam Newton stands]

Look at my dab! Look at my dab!

[Two police officers come in]

Beck: Slow down. Hands where I see em’.

Bobby: Hey, you okay Mr. Manning?

Peyton Manning: Gosh, yea, yeah. He was just having fun.

Bobby: Okay, really? Coz earlier we saw him giving young child a large brown gun.

Cam Newton: Ay, man! That was a football.

[Cut to Super Bowl greeting outro]

Male voice: This has been a Super Bowl greeting form Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[The End]

Steam Ship

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Larry David

Kenan Thompson

Donovan … Vanessa Bayer

Bernie Sanders

[Starts with people panicking on a sinking ship]

Taran: We’re going down.

Beck: Evacuate the ship.

Kate: Have mercy on our son.

Bobby: Light the signal.

Larry: Light some.

Kenan: Lower down the life-boats.

Larry: Lower them.

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: What’s that?

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: Really?

Taran: Yes, really.

Larry: Shouldn’t it just be whoever is closest?

Bobby: Load the rations.

Taran: Tie them to the bust.

Kenan: Board the women and children. Save their lives.

Larry: And let’s not forget about the men’s lives.

[Kate gets on the boat with hers on]

That kid, he’s more of a man than I am!

Kenan: Hold on steady.

Bobby: Hold on.

Larry: Check his pants. Check for pubes.

Taran: No! We are absolutely not doing that.

Larry: You’re gonna let me drown but you won’t just do a simple pubes check?

Kenan: Help madam Donovan on to the life boat.

Larry: Her? What are you saving her for? She’s a threat to all of us. Have you gone through menopause, man!

Madam Donovan: That’s none of your business.

Larry: Oh, that answers my question. Sharks are going to be following up from miles if you’ll catch me drift.

Kenan: You suck, sir!

[Another woman and a kid gets on the boat]

Larry: Are you kidding me? That’s not a kid. that’s a midget, I can tell.

Kenan: Not cool.

Larry: I can say it. It’s old in times.

Taran: Alright men. Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.

Larry: Well, okay. I hate to pull this but my father is rich. I come from a wealthy family. Technically, my life is worth more than all of your’s put together. Especially these women and midgets. So if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna pop down in that lifeboat.

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Hold on! Hold on! Wait a second! I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment. Enough is enough. We need to unite and work together. If we’re all going to get through this.

Larry: Sounds like socialism to me.

Bernie Sanders: Democratic socialism.

Larry: Ah! What’s the difference?

Bernie Sanders: Huge difference.

Larry: Yuge?

Bernie Sanders: Huge.

Larry: Yuge with a Y? Who are you?

Bernie Sanders: I am Bernie Sanders Witsky. But we’re gonna change it when we get to America so it doesn’t sound so quite Jewish.

Larry: Yeah, that will trick them.

Taran: Hold on everyone. I’ve got great news. What we crossed into was Liberty Island. We’re in New York. Everyone off the boat!

[everybody cheering]

Bernie Sanders: Look at that!

Larry: Oh, wow! Not bad.

Bernie Sanders: Share a cab?

Larry: Nah! I think we’ve talked enough.

[The End]