Tag: Kenan Thompson

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was a historic week in NBA. The Golden State Warriors set a record with 73 wins. Kobe Bryant retired after 20 seasons. And the NBA playoff started today. Here to give their takes are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[1 and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

Charles Barkley: How are you doing, Michael? Wow, big year for the NBA.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq like beard. Real beard. Big more than little.

Michael Che: Okay, so Kobe Bryant had an incredible last game. He’s 37 years old and scored 60 points.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. But it took 50 shots. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] That’s like putting a chip on every single number in a roulette board. You’re bound to win once, unless you’re me, and you bet it all on number twe-ive.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Twe-ive? That’s not a number.

Charles Barkley: Oh, man. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] Too bad you don’t work at the counter.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq will still play. Shaq can win a championship. With Kobe.

Charles Barkley: No, you could not, Shaq. Look at you. It’s like you’re having a staring contest with yourself. [pulling three fingers out] How many fingers am I holding out?

Shaquille O’Neal: 44.

Charles Barkley: Damn. There must have been a gas leak in your home for the past 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Now, what do you think Kobe is gonna do now?

Charles Barkley: Oh, there’s lots of things a retired player can do. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] You can do commercials. Like, Shaq is a spokesman for ‘I say hot’.

Shaquille O’Neal: Hmm, it’s delicious. I put it on Texas toast. Toast is warm and cool at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Dammit Shaq! I think blood tried to flow all the way up to your brain but then gets too tired, just hangs out on your shoulders as say, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Look Michael, you gotta be careful with your money after you retire. Last week, I bet somebody a $100,000 that I could eat 10 hamburgers and I couldn’t do it.

Michael Che: Why would you even think you could do that?

Charles Barkley: Because few minutes before I made that bet, I ate 10 hamburgers.

[Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Charles Barkley: What you laughing at?

Shaquille O’Neal: Because I got a joke. Listen. A horse walked into a bar.

[silence]

Charles Barkley: Then what?

Shaquille O’Neal: It’s funny. A horse shouldn’t be in a bar. it don’t have no ID.

Charles Barkley: Why couldn’t I have picked Michael Jordan to be my life companion? Put yourself together, Shaq. You got twe-ive kids.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal, everybody.

Charles Barkley: Anybody wants 10 hamburgers?

God is a Boob Man Trailer

Beth… Vanessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

Schmul… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Governor… Bobby Moynihan

[Starting of a movie trailer]

Male voice: Beth was a small town baker without a care.

[Taran walks in Beth’s bakery[

Taran: Hi there. I’d like to order a wedding cake.

Beth: Of course. Where is the lucky bride?

[Taran looks around]

Taran: He is right here.

[Jon walks to Taran and holds him]

Male voice: Until her fate was tested.

Taran: Now, make the cake.

Male voice: They wanted her to spit in the face of god.

[Beth is making the cake while Taran and Jon are watching]

Taran: I said make the cake.

Beth: I can’t do it.

Male voice: From the makers of God on the Run and Angel in Denim: The Kim Davis Story.

[Cut to Beth and Sasheer behind their bakery.]

Sasheer: What are you thinking? Gays are the most powerful force in America.

Male voice: A story of liberal elites run wild.

Taran: You’ll be hearing from our Jewish lawyer.

[Cut to Beth called in for the case]

Schmul : My name is Schmul from the SOU. You are in lot of trouble, Beth.

Beth: What do you people want from me?

Schmul : My clients just need you to say three simple words.

Taran: [counting the words in his fingers] God is gay.

Beth: But he is not gay. God is as straight as they come.

Schmul : Then I guess we’ll be seeing you in court.

[Cut to Beth walking to the court. The song ‘Fight Song’ by Rachel Platten is playing.]

Beth: Gays are trying to force their agenda. They’re even teaching it in school.

Male voice: Only she has the courage to say.

Beth: [To Sasheer] They say we’re bigot but Christians are the most oppressed group in this country.

Sasheer: Maybe!

Beth: But I’m gonna prove once and for all that god is straight.

[talking in court] If god is gay then why aren’t there any gay priests?

Judge: Miss Walsh, you are on thin ice. You know god is gay. Just admit it!

Beth: No.

Male voice: She needed an aliy.

[Cut to governor’s meeting]

Cecily: Governor, we are the poorest state in the country, second in obesity, third in teen pregnancy. We have to do something.

[Beth walks in the meeting]

Governor: Well, hold that thought. [To Beth] What’s wrong ma’am?

Beth: I wanna deny basic goods and services to gay people.

Governor: [looks around] Everybody out. This is the priority now.

[Cut to the court]

Judge: Last chance miss Walsh. Let’s hear it.

[Beth stands]

Beth: God… is… [Taran and Jon are watching her] a boob man!

[everybody in the court cheer for her]

Male voice: God is a Boob Man. Rated R for graphic gay sexual content.

Cinema Classics Marla Barlett

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

William… Taran Killam

Marla Barlett… Julia louis-Drefus

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese De’What. Tonight we look back at the career of one of golden era Hollywood’s most accomplished film actresses Marla Bartlett. Inspired by fellow actor Marlin Brando, Marla would sometimes hide snippets of her lines around the set so she could discover them in the moment and deliver them fresh. Why did she go to these lengths? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She said, “Guess what I want for my birthday.” And I said, “Your face from 10 years ago?” Worst IBF appointment ever! Let’s watch a scene from 1953’s classic drama ‘Women Tormented’, starring Marla Bartlett and see if you can spot where she hit he lines on the set.

[Cut to a clip from the drama ‘Women Tormented’]

William: I know you never told me to come back. But I can’t resist you, Elinor. This probably won’t mean much now but I brought you this. [puts a necklace on Marla’s neck] Just a small token of my affection. Do tell me you like it. What do you think?

[Marla looks at the mirror. There is “It’s beautiful, William.” written on the mirror.]

[Marla looks around]

Marla: It’s beautiful, William.

William: Then I suppose the only question is, what are we going to do about my wife?

[Marla runs towards the window and opens the curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “What if she went”.]

Marla: What if she went…

[Marla opens another curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “Missing”.]

missing.

[Cut to William]

William: Are you suggesting what I think you are?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks under it. There’s written “Yes”.]

[Marla walks to William]

Marla: [softly] Yes.

William: Are you positive?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks at the ‘Yes’ written under it again.]

Marla: Yes.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see any of her lines? I think I saw like, three. Was that right? [looking around] Hello? Is it just me here? Am I the only one working today? Soon, Marla was completely dependent on the hidden lines. But as filming progressed, her dark secret was exposed that she was too vein for her reading glasses. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

William: Darling, I can’t go through with this. I love you, but we’re talking about murder.

[Marla walks away and looks behind a pot and reads.]

Marla: Murder is such a strong word.

[Marla picks up a clock and is searching for her lines]

Don’t you think?

[Marla picks up a glass of drink and starts drinking it as her line is written at the bottom of the glass.]

I certainly do.

[Marla picks up an ashtray beside the glass and reads.]

[sobbing] Made in China.

[Cut to Marla]

William: But Elinor, if we get caught it would mean the chair.

[Marla runs to William and unbuttons his shirt. There’s her lines written on his chest.]

Marla: William. Don’t be foolish. It’s too late. Far, far too late. I think we both know that. [reads her lines] And now kick me.

William: [whispering] I think it says ‘kiss me’.

Marla: [reads the lines again] No, it says kick me.

William: I guarantee it does not say ‘kick me’.

Marla: Kick me like you mean it.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? That other actor looked straight into the camera and gave a little mouth blow like [mimicking the mouth blow]. The director only let him kick her two times before he called cut. Let’s watch one final scene where Marla’s co-star’s frustration is clearly apparent.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

[William and Marla are standing facing each other when Kate walks in]
Kate: William, how could you?

William: Darling, I’m so sorry. But I have to do this.

[William pulls out a gun]

Kate: Oh, William, why? Why? You love me, remember? Come to your senses.

William: I’m– I’m sorry.

[William shoots at Marla and Marla falls on a piano. Marla is now looking for her lines on the fruits.]

Marla: I’ve been shot.

[Cut to William and Kate]

Kate: Are you sure?

[Marla falls and is crawling towards William and Kate]

William: Where are you going?

Marla: I need the shell that says ‘Yes’.

William: Then why don’t you just say ‘Yes’?

Marla: Shell.

[William brings the shell to her]

Marla: Yes!

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Okay, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We used to do good movies. I don’t know what happened. Well, for Cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium]

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in]

[romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Politics Nation- Voter I.D. Disaster

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

Cristie Jacobs… Sasheer Zamata

Charles Richards… Al Sharpton

[Starts with Al Sharpton in his set]

Al Sharpton: Good Sunday morning. I’m Reverend Al Sharpton. The New York primary is this Tuesday and states across the country has set up this voter ID laws. But it’s the real purpose to diss in french fries, people. Let’s talk about this.

[Cut to Politics Nation intro]

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: Joining me now to talk about the new laws is a senior blogger for the Daily Kos, Craisty Jacobs.

[Cut to Christie Jacobs]

Christie Jacobs: Ah, hello Reverend. My name is Christie, not Craisty.

[Cut to split screen]

Al Sharpton: Not in my church. Now, is the real purpose of these ID laws to suplex– excuse me, suppress the minority vote?

Christie Jacobs: Absolutely. Why do they need IDs all of a sudden? Usually they just skip that step and say, “Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.” They say that these laws will stop fraud. Is voter fraud that big of a problem in this country?

Al Sharpton: Sure it is. I have mothers calling me all the time, saying “Help me Reverend Sharpton. My son is out there on the streets committing voter fraud.”

Christie Jacobs: Really?

Al Sharpton: No. But thank you for joining us, Craisty Jacobs.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Now on to the democratic primary. Despite Bernie Sanders win this week in Wisconsin, it’s not secret that Hillary Clinton is raising nits– excuse me, resonating more with black voters. Here to give us some insight is my personal statistical analyst, Mr. Charles Richards.

[Charles Richards walks in the set]

Charles Richards: Good morning Reverend, please don’t take this the wrong way but I expected you to be a little skinnier. I know you work really hard to lose all that weight. It’s a shame to see that you seem to have gained it back.

Al Sharpton: Well, frankly Charles, I like myself this way. People say I look younger. Now, black vote is crucial this election. And you’ve created an algo… rhythm to show our community it’s meaning.

Charles Richards: That’s right. My algorithm is called the black approval rating scale. Each candidate gets a number between one and 10 based on their standing in the black community.

Al Sharpton: Okay then, let’s start with Hillary Clinton.

Charles Richards: Secretary Clinton gets a 7.2 rating with black voters because her husband is Bill Clinton, who despite recent outburst is beloved in the African American community.

Al Sharpton: Oh, absolutely. Bill Clinton could walk into the BET awards after party, sit at Rihanna’s table and order a bowl of Mac & Cheese and everybody would say, “That seems right.” What about Bernie Sanders?

Charles Richards: Senator Sanders gets a score of 6.3. Yes, he was active in the civil rights movement, but for some reason he seems like the kind of person who still calls Mohammad Ali, Cassius.

Al Sharpton: Absolutely. Also, he’s from Vermont. It’s a beautiful state but never has a black person said, “Hey, I got time off this weekend. Anybody want to go to Vermont?” Let’s go over to the republican side. How about Ted Cruz?

Charles Richards: Senator Cruz gets a 2.1 on the black approval scale rating, because look at him. You just know he’s up to something.

Al Sharpton: Indeed. He’s a sneaky little mouse. And how about Donald Trump?

Charles Richards: Come on now.

Al Sharpton: Come on now.

Charles Richards: Come on now.

Al Sharpton: Come on now.

Charles Richards: Right now, Donald Trump has a black approval rating of -1,048. But that could go down.

Al Sharpton: Absolutely. Black people should never trust a white person who’s hair is more processed than their’s. And how is Obama doing?

Charles Richards: Not bad. His numbers continue to rise. He was at 16. But he just went up to 22. I don’t even know what he did.

Al Sharpton: Well either way, it’s phantom nominal.

Charles Richards: It’s pronounced ‘phenomenal’. What’s going on with you today, Al? You’re usually a very smart person.

Al Sharpton: I don’t know. I think all this weight fluctuation is messing with my brain. Let’s take a break. More with Charles when we return to Politics Nation.

Ninja Shanice Goodwin

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Sensei… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Vlad… Russell Crowe

Taran Killam

Gregor… Kenan Thompson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Shanice’s picture as a child]

Shanice: First they said, “Your’e too small.”

[Picture changes to Shanice as an adult]

Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You’ll never make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice wearing a ninja costume with a sword]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

[Cut to Shanice and Sensei. Sensei is wearing karate uniform and a black belt.]

Sensei: Shanice, the ambassador’s been kidnapped by the Russian mob. These are professional Shanice, bad dudes. All your training has come to this moment.

Shanice: Don’t worry sensei. I’m going to do some ninja stuff.

[Shanice walks away]

[Cut to Russian Mob headquarters]

[Four men have Vanessa tied up in a chair]

Vanessa: What are you going to do to me?

Vlad: Alas! We are Russians. it’s gets more easy we get the rules, you live. If they don’t listen, maybe Russians will have to do something… terrible.

Vanessa: I’m warning you. My father knows some very dangerous people.

Vlad: Very dangerous? She say very dangerous.

[The men laugh]

[Shanice comes behind them and leaves sommersaulting.]

[Cut to Taran and Gregor]

Taran: Gregor. Did you feel, [Gregor is coughing] you okay?

Gregor: No.

Taran: I felt it too. Something breeze.

Gregor: I don’t know. I didn’t feel nothing. I think maybe you have been drinking.

[Gregor gets hit by a suriken and falls down]

Ah!

Taran: Gregor!

[Jon runs in]

Jon: Where did that come from?

[Shanice is sneaking behind them]

[Cut to everybody]

Vlad: Be still. Someone is among them. I can feel it. Show yourself!

[Shanice is pretending to be reading a newspaper behind them]

Everyone, be very quiet. Silence is their enemy.

[Shanice runs behind them and hits Jon with a bottle and walks away. Jon falls down.]

What was that?

Taran: I don’t know. I saw only blur.

Vanessa: You want to know what that was? I’ll tell you. I think there’s a ninja in here.

Vlad: Check the door.

[Taran walks goes to check the door and comes back]

I swear to you on my life, we will find this ninja and kill him. Where is he?

Taran: I don’t know, Vlad. I’ve looked everywhere.

[Taran is walking around. He is putting his hand on Shanice’s face as a support but has not seen her yet.]

There is no where it could be. It seems comprehensive.

Vanessa: I was right. Somewhere in this room, there’s definitely a ninja.

Taran: He’s almost like ghost. There is no–

[Shanice jumps in and breaks Taran’s neck]

Vlad: Show yourself. Fight me face to face or she dies.

[Shanice comes behind Vlad]

Shanice: I am the wind.

[Shanice runs away]

Vlad: You are the wind, yes. [Shanice brings in the ladder behind Vlad] I am stone. You see, I am Russian. And a Russian stone does not move. The Russian stone stays in place through thousands of winters. [Shanice is climbing the ladder] It does remain very solid.

[Shanice jumps and hits Vlad. Vlad falls down.]

[Shanice cuts the ropes tying Vanessa on the chair]

Vanessa: Oh, my goodness. You saved my life. Who are you?

[Cut to Shanice’s face.]

Shanice: Me? I’m a ninja. And a cashier from Cole’s.

[The End]

Match Finder

Emerald Mike Biskane… Kenan Thompson

Lisa G… Cecily Strong

Tod… Beck Bennett

Jason… Pete Davidson

Benedict…Russell Crowe

[Starts with TV channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Game Show Network. At 10, it’s White Jeopardy. But up now, it’s Match Finders.

[Cut to Match Finders intro]

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Hello and welcome to Match Finders. I am your host Emerald Mike Biskane and I’m sorry I’m late but a teenager ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. Hope you got it to the crib, son. Let’s meet our lucky bachelorette.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Hi, Emerald.

Emerald: Her name is Lisa G. She’s 23 years old, and she’s a lot of fun.

Lisa: Oh, um, I’m actually 33. Not 23.

Emerald: You’re not that fun either. But I’m trying to sell a lifestyle here. So, let’s meet our eligible bachelors.

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod is an Instagram model with a glass eye.

Tod: Oh, I didn’t know you were going to read that out loud.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Jason is an electronic specialist at Bestbuy.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’ll hook you up and then I’ll hook up with you. Damn!

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: And Benedict is a “Smart professor from Germany”.

[Cut to Benedict smoking pipe]

Benedict: I was raised in a house full of women. So as you can imagine, I know my way around a woman’s body.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa nodding their heads]

Emerald: Alright. Lisa, why don’t you ask these bachelors the first question?

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay. I’m a girl that likes to be pampered. How would you make sure that I’ve had a good time in our first date?

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: I would take you to Treasure Bay Spa for massage. And then we’d go to a late dinner at Dorsia. And if things go well, you’d also be joining me for breakfast.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Ooh, I like that. Bachelor number two?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’d make you dinner at home and then we could watch a movie. Although if things go well, I’m not sure we’ll do much watching.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Hmm, I like the sound of that. Bachelor number three, how would you make sure that I have a good time?

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: [with accent] First, I would massage your labia majora. And then I would mount a shuttle yet focused campaign on your clitorus.

[Cut to Emerald looking surprised]

Emerald: Hah! Well there are no wrong answers in Match Finders, but damn, that was close.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: I’m sorry. Did someone already say that one?

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: No, they sure didn’t. [looking at Lisa] Go ahead, Lisa.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelors, I love to learn new things. Tell me something I don’t know.

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: You wouldn’t guess by looking at me, but I’m actually a pretty good dancer. [showing little of his moves]

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: You wouldn’t get it by looking at it but the human vagina has three distinct holes. Urethra, vulva and of course, the anus hole.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: [yelling] Hey! what are you doing? This is a nice girl.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: As I said Emerald, I grew up the only boy in a house full of very old, old women.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That makes it worse.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number two, you didn’t answer the question.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yeah. I yield all my time to the gentleman with the ponytail.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Oh now, wait a minute son. You’re gonna have to be a little specific. There’s a two of us up here. Ha-ha-ha. [Emerald turns around and shows his tiny ponytail] Yeah.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number three, what would you do to make me feel special.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Oh, so you just gonna walk right into traffic. Oh!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: First, I would lay down on beach towel on top of the sheets so that you wouldn’t feel self conscious about–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Emerald pressing buzzer sound in his phone]

Emerald: Yeah. Had to download a buzzer app on my phone.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay bachelors, what would you say is your biggest fear?

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod: A bee in my hat.

Jason: Um, ghosts.

Benedict: Getting throat cancer from conninglingus.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Huh, I like that. Explain.

Emerald: Dont!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: My doctor says if I munch one more box, if I scarf one more carpet, if I chew down on even just one more little doughnut, I will end up like Michael Douglas.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Michael Douglas is fine.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: No man is fine if you take way that what she loves.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That’s it. I’m calling it. Lisa, who do you pick?

Lisa: I guess the glass with the glass eye sounds hot.

Emerald: Glass eye it is. Well, I’m your host, Emerald Mike Biskane and this has been the dating game or Match Finder or whatever.

[The End]

King Henry VIII Hologram

Jon Rudnitsky

King Henry VIII… Russell Crowe

Tod… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Dana… Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jon showing the visitors around]

Jon: Henry VIII the experience. In a moment, an interactive hologram of his majesty will appear to answer your questions about his life and times. Without further due, his majesty.

[A hologram appears]

[visitors clapping]

King Henry VIII: Loyal subjects, I am king Henry VIII. I am remembered today for taking six wives none of whom gave me a male heir. Ah! But there is so much more to learn. So, ask me what you will.

Tod: Wow, this is so cool. Um, okay, what did you eat back then?

King Henry VIII: In my time, nobles feasted on banquets of roasted meats washed down with hearty ales.

Tod: Oh, thank you your highness. Ha-ha. Um, babe, ask him a question.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how big was the castle?

[The king’s hologram stands up and walks to Vanessa]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son.

Vanessa: Bear you a song?

King Henry VIII: [yelling] Bear me a son!

Vanessa: Tod, why is he doing this?

Tod: I mean, it’s historically accurate.

King Henry VIII: The only sounds I wish to hear from a woman’s mouth are the screams of labour as you bear me a son.

Vanessa: He’s spitting when he talks and there’s like hologram spit.

Tod: Wow. Technology, huh? You know, the next thing you now, we’ll be able to watch a movie on our phone.

Vanessa: Ah, Tod, you can already do that. Come on!

[Tod and Vanessa walk away]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son or I’ll have your head!

[Dana and Taran walk in front of King Henry VIII]

Dana: My king, what was your relationship with Spain like?

King Henry VIII: Complicated. Bear me a son. Bear me a son, but bath first. You have a stench.

Dana: Urgh! This hologram is a pig. I’m going to the gift shop.

Taran: Okay. But please stop buying geodes, okay? Seriously Dana, they’re not rare.

[Dana and Taran walk away]

King Henry VIII: Forget the bathing. I can tolerate your stench.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Um, hey. Hi. Sorry, hello.

[King Henry VIII grabs a hologram chicken and laughs]

King Henry VIII: Ha-ha. A fool! A fool amuses me! Dance for me. Dance for me with your enormous head.

Beck: What?

King Henry VIII: Come on, you fool. You total fool.

Beck: No.

King Henry VIII: You complete fool.

Beck: No, no. I’m not a fool. I have a lot of cool stuff going out. Thank you.

[Beck leaves]

[A group of ladies come in and walk in a line]

Sasheer: Okay, moms’ day out group. Just follow me. We’re gonna go through the exit.

King Henry VIII: [Looking at the women one by one] Bear me a son. Bear me a son. You. You. Bear me a son. Open your legs!

[The ladies walk away]

[Kenan walks in]

And take my seed in your moist.

Kenan: Hello.

King Henry VIII: Ah, my god. A black amore. I’ve only seen your kind in paintings.

Kenan: And goodbye.

[Kenan leaves]

[Kyle and Aidy walk in]

Kyle: Question. Where did you go to the bathroom in the castle?

King Henry VIII: Be still, your tongue. I only wish to talk to this divine creature. [Talking to Aidy] Oh, I love to see you, with my son’s breakfast. [King Henry VIII is getting his hands on Aidy’s breasts] Two ample jogs of god’s old cream to feed the future king. I must have you. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Um, thank you. Ha-ha.

Kyle: Hey, come on babe. I wanna see the other stuff. Plus I think there’s something wrong with this hologoram.

[The hologram disappears]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Oops! Well, it looks like the kind requires a reboot of his royal software. In the meantime, feel free to sit on his throne and take a photograph if you want.

Aidy: Oh! Me first. [Aidy sits on the King’s throne] Okay, hun. Do it like– look at this. Do a serious photo and then do like, a goofy one. Okay? [Aidy starts posing]

[As Aidy is posing, King Henry VIII appears again and is putting his hands on her breasts again]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Oh, my god!

[The End]

Hillary Clinton Addresses Her Losing Streak Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Hillary Clinton message announcement.]

Male voice: And now, a message from Hillary Clinton following her recent string of losses.

[Cut to 1 sitting on a sofa]

Speaker 1: [laughing] Hello, America. It’s true, I have not been winning as of light. In fact, I have not won a state in almost three weeks because that was the plan. I didn’t wanna win those so I didn’t. It doesn’t bother me one bit. I’m not rattled. Like the old ones say, you win some, you — bleh! Excuse me. You lea– sorry. You win some, you lea– some. Close enough. Besides, who can remember how many states I’ve lost in a row? Is it two? Is it three?

[2 walks in]

Speaker 2: Hey, Mrs. Clinton. I’m here to fix seven holes in your wall.

[2 walks by]

Speaker 1: Come to think of it, it might be seven. And that’s fantastic. It humanizes me. I’m the underdog now. I’m this selection’s Rudy. And I like that. After all, I don’t want to be a big old B and win every single state. That’s no fun. But enough about the past. It’s time to look forward to the future. And right now, my focus is here in New York. God, I love being back in the fat apple, my home stage. Except for Illinois and Arkansas, but they  already voted for me so we cool, we cool. And gosh, New York has been cold this week, hasn’t it? In fact my head is getting a little chilly. I better put on my favorite hat that I’ve worn so many times over the years. [1 pulls out a NY cap and wears it] Here we go. That will keep me warm while I eat my favorite dinner, a classic New York city street hotdog. [1 pretends like she’s eating a hotdog] What a delicious bite that was. And for dessert, all you New Yorkers know that I am just nuts for Nuts. And later tonight, I’m gonna take in that hot new broadway show that’s got all of NYC a buzz, Chicago. But you know what my favorite part about New York is? The subway. I love to ride it. I am comfortable riding it. In fact, here’s me using it earlier today.

[Cut to video clip of 1 in the subway]

The New York City subway is the best way to get around. [she is not familiar with how the metro card works.] I guess it’s been a while. This isn’t working, metro card. I’ll just go in the old fashioned way. [She climbs over] I’ll take a cab. Cab is the best way to get around.

[Cut back to 1 sitting on a sofa]

So see New Yorkers? I’m just like all of you. I never sleep. I’m in a hurry to get to work. When I’m running, I really hate it when a slow old jew gets in my way.

[alarm beeping]

Oh, there is my alarm. Time to turn my hat around. Here we go. Oh, god. I love those New York meats. So to all of my supporters here in New York, please remember to get out there next Tuesday and cast your vote for me. And to all of you young people in New York, let me say this. Funny is for nerds. I mean, who cares? Just leap in. I’m sure you’re all hungover from your templar parties anyway. And to Suzan Sarandon who said Trump might better for America than me, why don’t you take Tuesday to go driver off another cliff? Now listen, I know Bernie may be tempting some of you. He’s honest, she’s shouted as it is, and even a cute little bird landed on his podium that one time, that was politics for all day. But guess what? I’ve got a winged friend of my own.

[1 pulls out a raven from the back]

She is the three-eyed raven from the Game of Thrones. And her message is clear. If you don’t vote for me on April nineteenth, winter is coming. [1 throws the raven away] And finally everyone, I know this week, a pesky little you know what, said I wasn’t qualified to be president, but here’s the truth. I would be the strongest candidate to go up against Donald Trump face to face, or go up against Ted Cruz face to whatever it is you call that up there. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Tidal Music Streaming

Kenan Thompson

Tyler… Bobby Moynihan

Nicholson… Jay Pharoah

Riley… Sasheer Zamata

Chloe… Ariana Grande

[Starts with Tidal Streaming Music Headquarters]

Kenan: Alright. It’s time for the three PM tidal system’s check. Drake’s stream.

Tyler: Running smooth sir.

Kenan: Coldplay

Nicholson: No lag time, full bit-rate sir.

Kenan: Billy Joel

Riley: No fire started over here, sir.

Kenan: Swinging to miss, Danielson.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Here’s your coffee, sir.

Kenan: Oh, thank you, Chloe. Well, it looks like it’s another incident free day here at Tidal Music Streaming.

[The lights go off]

What the hell was that?

Tyler: Looks like the power’s out, sir.

Riley: Backup generators, up and running.

Kenan: Alright, let’s do systems check. One Direction?

Tyler: All good, sir.

Kenan: Kendrick Lamar?

Nicholson: Coming throughout and clear.

Kenan: Britney Spears?

Riley: Looks like we’re gonna lose Britney Spears stream in thirty seconds.

Kenan: We already beefed the Kanye and Rihanna album releases! Tyler, we cannot afford another glitch. What do we do?

Tyler: Sir, I heard Chloe the intern singing some Britney Spears in the hallway. Is that true, Chloe? Can you sing like Britney Spears?

[Chloe looking nervous]

Chloe: Kind of.

Kenan: Riley, open the channel. Chloe, the future of Tidal is in your hands.

Chloe: But I’m shy.

Kenan: Well, try, dammit! People need their Britney Spears.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go
And now you’re out of sight, yeah
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Britney Spears is up and running.

Kenan: That was close. Well done, Chloe.

Tyler: Oh, no sir. We are about to lose the Shakira stream.

Nicholson: Perfect! Chloe’s Hispanic.

Chloe: That’s a common mistake. I’m actually just very, very Italian.

Kenan: Well, can you do Shakira?

Chloe: I can try.

[music playing]

[singing] Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Can’t you see
I’m at your feet
Whenever, wherever
We’re meant to be together
I’ll be there and you’ll be near
And that’s the deal my dear

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Shakira is online and streaming.

Kenan: Job well done. Job well done. You need some water?

Nicholson: Old time, sir. Ariana Grande channel is down.

Kenan: Chloe. Can you do Ariana Grande?

Chloe: Nay, sorry, not a big fan.

Tyler: Oh, forget it sir. Because we just lost a big one. Rihanna’s down.

Kenan: Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna.

[music playing]

[singing] Work, work, work, work, work, work
He said me haffi
Work, work, work, work, work, work
He see me do mi
Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt
So me put in
Work, work, work, work, work, work

[beep beep]

Tyler: Back on. The Rihanna stream is re-buffered and good to go.

Kenan: Was that okay? I truly don’t know what she’s saying.

Kenan: Ay, nobody does.

Riley: I got bad news, boss. The 90s Diva’s playlist is glitching.

Kenan: Can you handle it Chloe? I mean that’s a lot of women.

Chloe: There’s only one way to find out.

Riley: We just lost Celine Dion

[music playing]
Kenan: [singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it
Right outside the window

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Celine Dion is at onehundre%. But now we’re losing Whitney Houston.

Kenan: Oh, come on. Take a song.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] And I wish you joy
And happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
And I…
Will always love you
I…
Will always love you
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. The power’s fully restored.

Tyler: All streams are up and running.

Kenan: Ah! You did it Chloe. Jay Z would be proud.

Nicholson: Yeah! You bet I am. [Nicholson wears his hat] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Nicholson, you was Jay-Z this whole time?

Nicholson: Ts-yeah. You know, I wanted to see how my company was doing out of that boss style, you know? Yo Chloe, you single handedly just saved Tidal. You said you were just an intern?

Chloe: Yes.

Nicholson: Yeah, that’s great. Can you get me a vince cappuccino?

Tyler: Yeah, I’ll take a Grande.

[everybody starts demanding coffee so Chloe runs away]