Tag: Leslie Jones

Ninja Shanice Goodwin

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Sensei… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Vlad… Russell Crowe

Taran Killam

Gregor… Kenan Thompson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Shanice’s picture as a child]

Shanice: First they said, “Your’e too small.”

[Picture changes to Shanice as an adult]

Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You’ll never make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice wearing a ninja costume with a sword]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

[Cut to Shanice and Sensei. Sensei is wearing karate uniform and a black belt.]

Sensei: Shanice, the ambassador’s been kidnapped by the Russian mob. These are professional Shanice, bad dudes. All your training has come to this moment.

Shanice: Don’t worry sensei. I’m going to do some ninja stuff.

[Shanice walks away]

[Cut to Russian Mob headquarters]

[Four men have Vanessa tied up in a chair]

Vanessa: What are you going to do to me?

Vlad: Alas! We are Russians. it’s gets more easy we get the rules, you live. If they don’t listen, maybe Russians will have to do something… terrible.

Vanessa: I’m warning you. My father knows some very dangerous people.

Vlad: Very dangerous? She say very dangerous.

[The men laugh]

[Shanice comes behind them and leaves sommersaulting.]

[Cut to Taran and Gregor]

Taran: Gregor. Did you feel, [Gregor is coughing] you okay?

Gregor: No.

Taran: I felt it too. Something breeze.

Gregor: I don’t know. I didn’t feel nothing. I think maybe you have been drinking.

[Gregor gets hit by a suriken and falls down]

Ah!

Taran: Gregor!

[Jon runs in]

Jon: Where did that come from?

[Shanice is sneaking behind them]

[Cut to everybody]

Vlad: Be still. Someone is among them. I can feel it. Show yourself!

[Shanice is pretending to be reading a newspaper behind them]

Everyone, be very quiet. Silence is their enemy.

[Shanice runs behind them and hits Jon with a bottle and walks away. Jon falls down.]

What was that?

Taran: I don’t know. I saw only blur.

Vanessa: You want to know what that was? I’ll tell you. I think there’s a ninja in here.

Vlad: Check the door.

[Taran walks goes to check the door and comes back]

I swear to you on my life, we will find this ninja and kill him. Where is he?

Taran: I don’t know, Vlad. I’ve looked everywhere.

[Taran is walking around. He is putting his hand on Shanice’s face as a support but has not seen her yet.]

There is no where it could be. It seems comprehensive.

Vanessa: I was right. Somewhere in this room, there’s definitely a ninja.

Taran: He’s almost like ghost. There is no–

[Shanice jumps in and breaks Taran’s neck]

Vlad: Show yourself. Fight me face to face or she dies.

[Shanice comes behind Vlad]

Shanice: I am the wind.

[Shanice runs away]

Vlad: You are the wind, yes. [Shanice brings in the ladder behind Vlad] I am stone. You see, I am Russian. And a Russian stone does not move. The Russian stone stays in place through thousands of winters. [Shanice is climbing the ladder] It does remain very solid.

[Shanice jumps and hits Vlad. Vlad falls down.]

[Shanice cuts the ropes tying Vanessa on the chair]

Vanessa: Oh, my goodness. You saved my life. Who are you?

[Cut to Shanice’s face.]

Shanice: Me? I’m a ninja. And a cashier from Cole’s.

[The End]

Oak Ridge High Auction

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

Michael Akari… Jonah Hill

Shawn… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Pharooq… Taran Killam

[Starts with Oak Ridge High School student auction]

Aidy: $ninety going once, twice and sold to Mr. Dobson. You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from Honor student, Doug Persel.

Doug: Muchas gracias. [laughing]

Aidy: Now, remember parents, all the proceeds from tonight’s auction goes to the senior carnival. So, get out those wallets. [a band walk on the stage] Now, next step for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show. And I hear they’re quite a hit online. It’s ‘The Emojis’.

Sasheer: What’s up?

Aidy: Now, their music video, “I got a crush on Kevin” has, how many hits on YouTube?

Sasheer: Almost 300,000.

Aidy: Oh, wow! Okay, so, highest bid wins a one hour private gig with ‘The Emojis’. So let’s open up the bidding to 100. Big ones. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Steve: I’ll start, $100 right here.

Beck: Not so fast, Steve. $120!

[Cut to Michael Akari. He looks like Sheikh from the middle east.]

Michael Akari: $1 million.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: I’m sorry. Are you a parent?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: No. I am Michael Akari. I serve King Faidi of Qatar. The king’s teenage daughter princess Sana took a liking to ‘The Emojis’ on YouTube. The King insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to light and amuse her.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: Wait, what?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: When I win ‘The Emojis’, they will immediately board in Faid’s private jet and spend the next week in the palace. Upon arrival, the teens will be bathed and groomed. The young man will spend the day on the King’s yacht while the young women prepare the evening’s feast in the kitchen.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t know how to cook.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: [yelling] Then you will learn. During your song, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin”, the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.”

[Cut to the band]

Kyle: That sounds dope but I can’t go to Qatar, sir. I gotta take SATs on Saturday.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact. And for your troubles, each entertainer’s family will receive $500,000.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Have fun, cupcake.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, $1 million, going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Excellent. To the teens I just purchased, please see outside if you’ll fit in your robes.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t want to wear a robe.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [yelling] Just wear the robe!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. Well, that’s certainly a first for the Oak Ridge senior auction. Now, let’s bring up our star basketball player Shawn and Nate who also have quite the internet following with their vines. [Shawn and Nate walk up the stage]

[Cut to Leslie in the audience]

Leslie: Woo! That’s my baby. Hey, Shawn.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: What’s up, mom? We do vines where we do trick shots.

Nate: Yeah, it’s ‘Dem Boys do the Dunx’ with an X. One of our vines was big on Buzfeed.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: So, Shawn and Nate are offering a 45 minute private basketball lesson. So, let’s start the bidding at $75.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Okay, 75!

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king’s twelve son is a great admirer of Dem Boys do Dunx. I bid $2 million.

[Salah Pharooq walks in. He also looks like a sheikh from the middle east]

Salah Pharooq: $3 million.

Michael Akari: Pharooq. I see you’re still Al Salemi’s errand boy.

Salah Pharooq: Back down, Akari. Dem Boys do Dunx will be mine.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. And who is your new friend?

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: How rude of me. Greetings Oak Ridge High. I am Salah Pharooq, here in behalf of sultan Al Salemi of Kuwait. His fourteen year old son Talam is all about Dem Boys do Dunx.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! Okay. Okay, $three million. Going once, twice–

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: $4 million.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: Mom, what are you doing?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Relax, baby. I am playing the game.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: $5 million. I know that sultan’s packets aren’t that deep.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Nate: I don’t think my mom will let me go to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: Then you are weak! But to ease your mind, the king will offer you both one hour in his room with 200 virgins.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate. They’re hugging each other out of happiness.]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Alright, $5 million going once, twice and sold to Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: I am shamed.

[Salah Pharooq runs out]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Dem Boys do Dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young men who did ‘Damn Daniel’ video. You know those guys? ‘Damn Daniel’? So great.

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones’s List

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Manwel… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day has officially started right now and here to comment is our Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! How y’all doing? Thanks for having me, Colin. Happy valentine’s day everybody.

Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day Leslie. Are you having a good one? Are you having a good valentine’s day?

Leslie Jones: I am not you sexy miracle whip. I just wanna spread you on my sandwich. Listen, [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m happy being single on valentine’s day because I know the perfect man is out there for me.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. Well, they say there’s someone for everyone. Do you know what you’re looking for?

Leslie Jones: Absolutely. You want a list? [Cut to Leslie Jones] Let’s dim the lights. [The lights dim] Give me something smooth Manwel.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Who is Manwel?

Leslie Jones: He is my piano player.

[Cut to Manwel playing piano]

Manwel: Ola.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Take it away, Manwel. My perfect man is happy, kind, a good kisser but not wet. Don’t slob on me. Good breath. Treats me with respect. Tight ass. Considerate. I’m talking about an ass so tight, it can crack walnuts. I love walnuts. Good hair. Nice skin. Smells like an Israeli. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] Have you ever smelled an Israeli?

Colin Jost: Definitely not. No.

Leslie Jones: [whispering] So good.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Generous. Punctual. Good size penis. One that is circumcised and functioning all the time. Big smile, which shouldn’t be a problem if your penis is functioning all the time. I wanna man who is confident. Likes flowers but don’t send me any flowers because I don’t life flowers. Flowers is death. You know how body decomposes and starts to stink? That’s what you sending me when you sending me flowers. Coz you done already cut them up and you sending to me coz they dead! And they stink of death. Death-fumes. I got a bag full of rotten garbage dead flowers. A bag full of death.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [putting his hand of Leslie’s shoulder] Are you okay, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: [looks at his hand touching her and smiles] I’m fine.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Patient. [Colin laughing] Hate avocados. I need a man that talks dirty to me but not so dirty where I gotta give him this look. [makes faces] I want a man that’s loyal. Funny, but not funnier than me. And so far, that has not been problem. [Michael Che laughing] Smokes weed. Mom loves me but not enough where she wants to hang out with me, unless she smokes weed. I want a man who can grill a steak without having to cut into it and check if it’s cooked [looking at Colin] like a little bitch.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey! How many steaks have you seen me cut?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Completely despises avocados.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, wait! You already mentioned the avocados

Leslie Jones: Then clearly that is important to me Jost!

Colin Jost: I have to say Leslie, this is quite a list of demands.

Leslie Jones: Because these are the qualities that I admire about myself. Except for the part about the good sized penis. But make no mistake, that if I had a penis, it would be huge!

Colin Jost: [laughing] Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: Huge!

Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.]

[The End]

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]

Dude!

Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]

Cul-De-Sac Reaction

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Dadi… Melissa McCarthy

Diane… Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Cul-De-Sac test screening]

Cecily: Okay, hi there folks. Again, we appreciate you all attending our test screening this evening. Now, we reviewed your comment cards and the Cul-De-Sac was one of our highest scoring horror movies in four years.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, man. I loved it, man. Y’all twisted and I like that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, that is great to hear. Now show hands, how many of you experienced a jump scare during the film? That’s where you physically jumped in your seat.

[Cut to many people raising their hands]

Dadi: One or two jump scares in there for me. Spilled a little bit of soda. I think he got heat on your hands.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, let’s hope so. As you know, were were taping the audience during the screening for our television and web ads and you guys gave us some great reactions we’d like to use. Now, we wanted to show you some before you sign the releases.

[Cecily plays the video]

[Cut to the audience reaction video.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Ah! had a little jump there.

[Cut to Diane]

Diane: Oh, my god! It’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. Now, this was taken during the first murder scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi spits soda all over Vanessa who is sitting in front of her, and then spills her soda at Kenan at the back when getting scared.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wow! Dadi, you were pretty scared there.

[Cut to Dadi and Diane]

Dadi: Um, I think that clip might have been Diane.

Diane: No. It was you.

Dadi: Well, I guess it’s kind of hard to tell with night vision.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Now here’s you guys watching the monsters in the trees sequence.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Leslie gets scared. Dadi is puking. Vanessa looks at her but Dadi punches her face and pukes again.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: By the way, that young woman who was punched is shaken, but she’s otherwise fine.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Well, for the record, I barely touched her. I think she’s a little bit of a drama queen.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. You guys, you gave us some real great stuff during that final chase scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi is making a scene at the theatre. She pulls off Pete’s shirt. Pete runs away scared of Dadi.]

Dadi in reaction video: I’m pissing myself. I’m pissing myself.

[Leslie is laughing at her]

Leslie in reaction video: Man, this bitch is pissing on herself.

[Dadi pushes everyone making her way to run outside the theatre]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So, you’re all okay with these? We have some releases for you.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh! I’d love to be on TV. I’m not sure if it’s worth losing my dignity over.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, you’ll get $250.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh, yeah. Deal.

[Cut to a commercial board with the poster of the movie and picture of Dadi puking.]

Bus Ride

Driver… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Taran Killam

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with a bus stopping at the bus stop]

Driver: Okay. Okay, this is Franklin station transfer here for M26 to Greenville.

[Leslie gets in the bus]

Leslie: Hello.

Driver: Hello ma’am.

[There is no seat available so Taran offers Leslie his seat]

Taran: Um, would you like to sit down miss?

Leslie: Yeah. Thanks.

Taran: You got it.

Leslie: So nice.

[Taran stands and Leslie takes his seat]

[Melissa makes way for Leslie to take the seat]

Melissa: Oh, that’s gotta feel good.

Leslie: Yes, it does. Chivalry isn’t dead, right?

Melissa: Hah! I kind of meant the other thing.

Leslie: What other thing?

Melissa: You know. White man gives up his seat in front of the bus. You gotta say, you’ve come a long way baby.

Leslie: Okay.

Melissa: I mean. You know, they’re showing Roots on television for February. And I have just been glued to this. They’re so good. Prime Ben Vareen. Prime OJ Simpson. I mean you can’t miss the cast really. You know what character I love is that Kunye Kenny.

Leslie: Um, Kunta Kinte.

Melissa: I don’t speak it but I enjoy the work.

Leslie: [to Taran] Hey, you sure you don’t wanna sit back down?

Taran: No, I’m good.

Melissa: You know, I gotta be honest, I don’t love a lot of black movies, but like the one where she poops in the pie and– where was that? I can’t remember what it’s called. She was a maid. She pooped in pie and made a lady eat. What is that? Is that called Poop Pie?

Leslie: No. It’s called ‘The Help’.

Melissa: Oh, that’s it. That’s it. That’s a little racy for me. But Roots. Roots, I do enjoy. You know, I told my husband Ron. I said if this is Roots, which one is Quest Love? [laughing] He did not get that one. God he was that. OJ is– was handsome. It’s a waste, huh?

Leslie: [to driver] Ay, man. I’m just gonna get out here.

Driver: This is a highway ma’am.

Leslie: That’s fine.

Melissa: You know, there’s another one I did love. It’s also got slaves in it. It’s not Roots. I think it’s– is it eight years I got to slave?

Leslie: No.

Melissa: Eight years I gotta slave.

Leslie: No. It’s 12 years of slave. 12 years of slave.

Melissa: Oh, is it 12 years? I didn’t see the whole thing. So.

Leslie: [to driver] Hey, man! You can just open up the door and I can just tuck and roll out. You ain’t even got to stop.

[Melissa holding Leslie’s hand]

Melissa: Look at that. We were like a banneton ad, huh? That’s sweet. I mean, if I had to choose, I would prefer white movies. They’re just so many great ones. The Godfather. The Gremlins. Star Wars. Oh, boy. But I did enjoy Roots just as much as any white movie. [Leslie is starting to look at window nicely] I mean you know what I was telling Ron? I said, “How about somebody make Root with all white cast. It’s a win– you can’t go wrong with that.

Leslie: Ay man, does this window open? I can just slide right out of this window.

Driver: One sec. [phone ringing] Wait, hold on. [on phone] Yeah. Why? A bomb? Now? Okay. I’m on. [hangs up the phone] Well folks, I just got word that if I go below 50 miles an hour, this bus will explode.

Leslie: What? I don’t wanna die with you. Oh!

Melissa: I don’t wanna die before seeing the end of Roots. I mean, do they ever get free?

Driver: Don’t worry ma’am. I got a full tank of gas in this baby so we can ride all night. I just gotta make one quick stop.

Everybody: No!

[The bus explodes]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Leonardo DiCaprio

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: ‘The Revenant’ is the number one film at the Box Office. Here with her review is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Ha-ha! How are you doing, baby?

Colin Jost: Hi Leslie. So, what did you think of The Revenant?

Leslie Jones: I loved it. But more importantly, I realized something while watching it. I can have Leonardo DiCaprio.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, what?

Leslie Jones: Don’t what me, you sexy ass blizzard. I just wanna plow you! That’s right. I, Leslie Jones can have Leonardo DiCaprio. Whoo! Feels good to say it. Ha-ha! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Before today, our relationship was like Inception. Leo inside Leslie inside a dream. But soon it won’t be a dream, Colin. Coz I’m gonna lock his pretty Aviator ass down for keeps.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on. Are you planning to kidnap him?

Leslie Jones: I’m sorry. My ears can’t hear jealousy, Jost! I know you dream about being duck-taped in my trunk. But I don’t need to kidnap DiCaprio to keep him.

Colin Jost: Okay, so what do you have that all the women who’ve dated Leo don’t?

Leslie Jones: In a word, everything. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Leo, I’m just gonna talk to you right now. [looking at the camera] Hi, Leo. I’m Leslie Jones and I’m a funny bitch. With her own place, great job, and I understand most of your movies. And I’m crazy good in bed. I even make you a ham sandwich after sex. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] You ever had a ham sandwich after sex, Jost?

Colin Jost: I can’t say I have.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. I know you ain’t. All the women you and Leo date ain’t got nothing in a refrigerator but food, water and kombucha juice.

Colin Jost: Kombucha?

Leslie Jones: Kombucha.

Colin Jost: Hold on. Your secret to getting Leo is a ham sandwich?

Leslie Jones: Yeap! And I’m not talking about that cheap ass lunch meat either. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m talking about the ham that you put into oven with the pineapples. And while you in the bathroom washing your junk off in the sink, I’ll already be in the kitchen butt naked cutting hams singing,

Leo, do you want some mustard!
on your ham sandwich
on your ham sandwich

Not that cheap ass yellow mustard either that you gotta shake coz the other thing comes out first. I’m talking about that fancy mustard that the white people be eating in a back of their Rolls Royce.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a–

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: See, I know what no other women knows, Leo. Leo, you need a lady that can make you laugh! Coz while anyone of them other little pretty bitches can give you an orgasm, I’m the only woman that can give you a laugh-gasm.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And can I ask what is a laugh-gasm?

Leslie Jones: Oh! Look who’s all interested now that I’m with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not it. You’re not with him.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Always the way. Well, if you must know, he would definitely experience something like this.

[showing the laugh-gasm reaction.]

And when I’m done with him, his lips won’t be the only thing that checked. That’s for damn sure.

Colin Jost: Okay right. So, you mean his penis.

Leslie Jones: Of course I’m talking about his penis, Colin. What you think?

Colin Jost: Alright, my bad! Leslie Jones, everyone!

Leslie Jones: That’s DiCaprio Jones baby. Call me Leo.

Colin Jost: Do not call her.

Super Crew

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Metalia… Ronda Rousey

Gazina… Cecily Strong

Solar… Jay Pharoah

Aviana… Leslie Jones

Noodle Man… Pete Davidson

Mr. Leathers… Taran Killam

The Beast… Kenan Thompson

Queen of Quata… Aidy Bryant

Koos-koos… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with giant robots destroying the city in Metro City – 2016.]

Vanessa: Maniac has unleashed his cyber beasts all over the city! We’re doomed.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle looking from the roof]

What are we going to do?

Kyle: It looks like the end.

[Hero entrance music playing]

Vanessa: Look, what’s that?

Kyle: I think help has arrived.

[Cut to the Super Crew. They all have their super hero costume on.]

Super Crew: Fear not friends, the super crew is here to save the day.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Thank god. The city is in trouble. Can you help?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Of course we can. I am Metalia. I can bend metal with my mind.

[Metalia pulls out a metal pipe and bends it using her power.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: That’s gonna work great against these metal menaces. Go get em’!

[Cut to Super Crew]

Gazina: Hang on, coz you know there’s more here than just her and it’s really only fair for each to get an intro, okay?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

[Cut to Solar]

Solar: I’m Solar! I can harness the power of the sun to melt any material.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! You can melt the robots right now.

[Cut to the Super Crew]

Gazina: Yeah, and I think he probably will do that after we meet everyone.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I am Aviana. I’m gifted with the power of flight.

Kyle: Awesome.

Aviana: But only as fast as you can walk and only for 2016 seconds at a time.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: That’s great.

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I can do it twice a day.

[Noodle Man walks in]

Noodle Man: I’m Noodle Man. I can create a mountain of noodles to smother any fall. It’s noodle time.

[Noodle Man starts dancing]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: I think honestly we could get the job done with just the heat man and metal lady.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: Okay, can I talk to you for just a second? We don’t know each other very well but the more you interrupt this, the longer this is gonna take.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how many are there total?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Like, between six and 30.

[Cut to Mr. Leathers]

Mr. Leathers: I’m Mr. Leathers. At any moment I can be wearing leather. Oh, I have it on now.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, I don’t see how that helps.

[blasting sound]

Kyle: Oh no! I think they attacked the orphanage.

[Cut to everybody. Aviana is flying.]

Aviana: Look, I’m flying.

Vanessa: Well, don’t waste it. Now you can only use it once more.

Aviana: No, this was the second time.

Kyle: Then what else can you do today?

Aviana: I’m not sure.

[The Beast walks in]

The Beast: I’m The Beast. [roars]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Now we’re talking.

The Beast: Yes! Because [Cut to The Beast] I’m obsessed with Beauty and the Beast.

[singing] a tale as old as time

[Queen of Quata walks in]

Queen of Quata: Hah! I’m Queen of Quata! I command the seas. But the question is will they obey? An the short answer is no.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, so you can’t do anything?

[Cut to Queen of Quata]

Queen of Quata: I just love the beach. And I can eat sand and so far it hasn’t hurt me.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: I am Gazina. I have gay-dar but only for black men. Alert! One here is.

[Cut to The Beast and Solar]

Solar: I am? Oh!

[Koos-koos walks in]

Koos-koos: I don’t really have to go coz I’m very similar to Mr. Noodles, but my name is Koos-koos if that helps.

[Fire-butt walks in]

Fire-butt: And I’m Fire-butt.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! We think all of you are great.

Kyle: So now you can probably save the city, right?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: I’m on it.

[Metalia using power sound]

[The robots are melt down.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Metalia saved the day!

[Cut to Gazina]

Gazina: I’m sorry. Who saved the day?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay. We mean the Super Crew all together equally saved the day as a unit.

[Cut to Super Crew]

Super Crew: Yes!

[The End]

Drone Milfs

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Jan Crang… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Dutt… Kate McKinnon

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Mary Bonom… Ronda Rousey

Pete Davidson.

[Starts with Bobby and Cecily at their desk]

Bobby: Motion passes.

Cecily: Okay, so that concludes action items. We now begin the citizen’s forum and open the podium to the members of the community.

Bobby: As a reminder, swearing is prohibited. If you cannot express your opinion without using foul language, I encourage you to leave.

[Cut to Leslie at the podium]

Leslie: Bye!

[Leslie leaves]

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Alright then, I guess we’ll start with you ma’am. Hello.

[Cut to Jan Crang at the podium]

Jan Crang: Jan Crang, female, aged 47.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: There is no need to state your age and sex, Ms. Crang. What is your concern?

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Well the teens have taken their mischief to the skies and I am talking about drones. I snatched this one out of the air when it whizzed over my backyard while I was sunbathing, and it’s little camera snapped some pics of me in my tanning trunks. They are supposed to be used on some kind of website called drone-milfs. Well, jokes on them. How can I be a milf when I don’t have any children? I move to ban these bots and free the drone milfs!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: But we can’t ban drones but I suggest contacting a lawyer about unauthorized use of your picture.

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Thank you. Once again, Jan Crang. As in Cranga-tang!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, we know. Thank you. Hello there, Mrs. Dutt. Back again so soon.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt at the podium]

Mrs. Dutt: Yes. I was banned from singing center agian. I’m here to ask for reinstatement.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, this is the third time this month.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: That’s not my fault. I had a Rockstar energy drink that lit a fire under my taunt. I was playing monopoly with Ethal, and she bought Marvin’s gardens but I wanted Marvin’s gardens. So I said, “Well I want that!” But she refused! So I knocked her over the game and I started tearing the little red hood, teased everybody in the little activity’s room. And I pulled a fire alarm and I yelled, “I am the nightmare!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, I’m not gonna do this.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I am not done. And then I ran outside and I claimed a tree. I grabbed some wasps nest and turned it into a zumba class.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Geez! Well, do you promise to stay away from Rockstar energy drink?

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: If I told you yes, that would be a lie.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Well then, I’m sorry. Request denied.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I understand.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Moving on. Hi there, young man. How are you?

[Cut to MC Strategy at the podium]

MC Strategy: My name is MC Strategy. I’m originally from Holand but I’m here to spread dope beats on the cautious tip. [yelling]Real-Hip-Hop! As you know, next Sunday is the pop Warner’s youth football championship games. My question to you is, instead of star spankled banners, may I perform a four and half concert along side the rest of the Mythic Insight’s crew? Man styles, and DJ Liner?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: I believe Caroline chew is going to sing the national anthem during the game.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: What if I promise to bring the Abstract thoughts?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, I would still say no.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Right. Well, thank you for being part of the evolution. Please pick up my CD outside of the Papa Johns!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Definitely. Definitely will. Hi there, Mr. Lumus.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom at the podium]

Gary: Lu? Call me Gary. I’d like to introduce my good friend Mary Bonom. She’d like to apply for an event permit and I told her I’d help her out. Say some kind of tight with you guys.

Mary Bonom: Hi there. I want an old time traveling carnival in side show. I’d like to set my tents in your town square for two week engagement. My side show includes such human arteez as Tod, the lost Baldwin brother.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh. And what else do you have?

[cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: That’s it.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: All your carnival has is ‘Tod the lost Baldwin brother’?

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: I’m sorry. I think we’re gonna pass.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Alright, cool. Thanks for your time.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, yes. Hello there, young man.

[Cut to Pete at the podium]

Pete: Um, wad up? I lost a drone. Anybody turning one in?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Do you for chance have a website called drone-milfs?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! It’s dope, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yeah, but the search bar is hard to find and when you create an account you should be able to save your favorites, but we do not have your drone. And it looks like we are out of time. Meeting adjourned. Drive save, everybody!

[The End]