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Weekend Update- Dilbert on Scott Adams’ Racist Rant

Dilbert… Michael Longfellow

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Newspapers around the country are dropping beloved comic strip Dilbert after its creator Scott Adams went on a racist rant last week advocating for white people to get the hell away from black people. Off the record, he’s got a point. Here to comment- That’s what the card says. Here to comment is Dilbert.

[Dilbert slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Dilbert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Dilbert. So had you ever seen this side of Scott Adams before?

Dilbert: Michael, I think I can speak for myself and the entire all white staff at the Dilbert offices when I say this was a total shock. I mean, most cartoonists are weird, but racist weird? Let’s just say I didn’t see that memo. Right? Memos? Work is boring, but it can be- It can be funny too. That’s kind of my thing.

Michael Che: So you just thought Scott was weird?

Dilbert: No, I knew he was bad. He made me go into the office every single day during COVID and he knows I’m auto immune.

Michael Che: You’re auto immune?

Dilbert: Do I look like somebody who’s not auto immune? Yes, I’m a real athlete. My hair is skin, Michael.

Michael Che: Your hair skin?

Dilbert: Yes. I cannot stress this enough. My hair is entirely skin. And it has been the great tragedy of my life.

Michael Che: I’m very sorry.

Dilbert: No, I’m sorry, Michael, for racism. Maybe I was just blind to it. I mean, my glasses are literally opaque white. But to me, he was just Scott, the funny guy. The Trump supporting cartoonist who did magic in his spare time, had a great Kevin Hart impression.

Michael Che: Well, that sounds like a racist to me.

Dilbert: Well, it turns out he was a racist. And I’m his prize creation. I mean, what does that make me? I wanted answers. So I took a god forbid personal day and really started to dig in on the concept of what is work, right? Reading Karl Marx, Stokely Carmichael, lots of the black radicals.

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert:  And I realized something. Even mundane work serves to uphold a capitalist system built to maintain a racial hierarchy. But that’s all about to change. Race war’s coming. You ready, Michael?

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert: Are you ready because Dilbert is ready. I woke up this morning ready to take the streets and paint the city with a blood of the white man.

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty intense, man.

Dilbert: Yeah, I had a cup of coffee. And Michael, like I always say, “Don’t even talk to me before my coffee.”

Michael Che: Dilbert, everybody.

Dilbert: This could have been an email.

Weekend Update- Gina Bianchi on the Joys of Motherhood

Gina Bianchi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that the COVID baby bump is over as fewer Americans are choosing to have kids. Here to comment on the joys of motherhood is Gina Bianchi, a woman with four daughters and one son?

[Gina Bianchi slides in]

Gina Bianchi: Hi. Hey, sweetheart. Oh, you boys look so nice.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Gina. So you’re a mom of five . Tell us about motherhood.

Gina Bianchi: Oh my god. I love it. I mean, so I’ve got my four daughters. And you know, my daughter, they’re fine. But, my son. Oh my god, I love my son. Okay, so he came over last Sunday. He was hungover. I mean, he’s always hungover. What was he doing? He’s in my fridge. Okay, he’s pulling out ham, turkey, mayonnaise. He’s filling up a cooler. He leaves. Doesn’t say bye. I’m cracking up. And my daughter’s, they say, “You can’t take ma’s food. That’s ma’s food.” I say, “Who cares? Girls, shut up.” Anthony’s 38 years old. He’s a growing boy. Oh, my daughter is so annoying. But my son, oh I love my son.

Colin Jost: Right. I got it. So what would you tell someone that’s on the fence about having kids?

Gina Bianchi: They surprise you every day. Like yesterday, my son. [laughing] Oh, what was he doing? Oh, he was going through my wallet. The kid is pulling out $20, $40, $60 bills. He writes himself a check for 14 grand from my checkbook. Okay. What’s he writing on the memo? Putting up with ma. I’m dying over here. I’m dying over here. My daughters say, “That’s ma’s money. You can’t take ma’s money.” I’m like, “Girls, please. You’re not pretty enough to be this irritating.” But my son, oh my god, I love my son.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, no, we’ve heard a lot about your son. Well, why don’t you tell me about your daughters?

Gina Bianchi: They’re doctors. But my son, he did this hilarious prank last night where he pretended to rob me at gunpoint.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, that’s terrible.

Gina Bianchi: My daughter’s say “You can’t do that.” My daughters? Argh, they bought me a house. But my son? I mean, I would if I could.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Well, yeah. Let’s getting back to the topic of parenthood. Do you think your kids are going to have kids someday?

Gina Bianchi: Oh, please. There’s not a woman out there good enough for my son.

Colin Jost: Okay, so Anthony’s single.

Gina Bianchi: No. He’s been married for two years. And I just have this feeling, okay? That she has given him nothing in bed. Like she completely ignores his balls. What?

Colin Jost: Okay. Why are you thinking about that?

Gina Bianchi: Okay. And I bet she’s obsessed with having an orgasm. Like, no honey, that’s not how it works. When he’s done, you’re done.

Colin Jost: Gina Bianchi, everyone.

Gina Bianchi: I love all my kids equally.

Weekend Update- Punxsutawney Phil on Seeing His Shadow

Michael Che

Punxsutawney Phil… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This Thursday was Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means six more weeks of winter. Here to talk about it is Punxsutawney Phil.

Punxsutawney Phil: Hey, Che.

Michael Che: Hey, man. So six more weeks of winter. I mean, do you have any advice?

Punxsutawney Phil: I don’t know, man. Things are bleak out there. Write it out. I guess. [smokes]

Michael Che: You seem pretty down. I thought it was a big day for you.

Punxsutawney Phil: Dude. What’s the point of me? A weather predicting Groundhog in the year 2023? I’m useless. I’m like a condom in Nick Cannon’s wallet.

Michael Che: But you did see your shadow?

Punxsutawney Phil: Honestly, I’m seeing shadows everywhere. Climate change has made it all meaningless. Is winter still even a thing? Sure, it’s seven degrees now but I jogged in shorts on Tuesday.

Michael Che: You jog?

Punxsutawney Phil: For the resolution. And I wasn’t about to do dry January, you know what I mean? Alcohol. The only cool way to wet the bed. You know the core stopped?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: The earth’s core stopped spinning. Look. [there’s an article that says “Earth’s inner core may have stopped turning”] See? Just straight up stopped. They want me to go to work? I’m a groundhog. I live close to the core, Che. Well not that close but close enough that when it stopped spinning I was like “Whoa. You guys feel that?” Cool if I do a bump real quick?

Michael Che: No.

Punxsutawney Phil: Happy afterparty, very nice. You know the moon is the sun now?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: Look. [there’s a picture of a sun that looks like a moon] Because of wildfires, this is what the sun looks like in California for like weeks at a time. It’s like you’re on a Star Wars planet. Not even a good one. Like, one of those dusty poor ones. Hey, you know for me, this is space.

Michael Che: I don’t know what that means.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, groundhogs live underground. So to me this is space. Houston requesting oxygen break. [smokes] You know NPR thing?

Michael Che: What NPR thing?

Punxsutawney Phil: Time is an illusion. Yes, science guys are saying this. It’s not just an excuse I used whenever my old lady says I missed our anniversary. We step out, guys like us, don’t we?

Michael Che: What do you mean guys like us?

Punxsutawney Phil: Oh, come on. I’m Punxsutawney Phil. She knows what she signed up for.

Michael Che: Oh, you’re like a bad groundhog.

Punxsutawney Phil: I’m not a bad groundhog. I just like good beaver.

Michael Che: Oh man.

Punxsutawney Phil: But seriously, I’m trying to keep my mind right by getting back to the basics, touching the grass, eating the grass, smoking the grass. You know, top people touch me, that’s probably why I drink wax.

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: You heard me. Look, at the end of the day. I just want to live a long peaceful life and then die of natural causes.

Michael Che: That’s actually very sweet.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, for Groundhog natural causes means getting obliterated by an 18 wheeler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Punxsutawney Phil: They say you can’t even feel it. I’ll let you know.

Michael Che: Punxsutawney Phil, everybody.

Punxsutawney Phil: Live in a simulation.

Weekend Update- Milly Pounds and Shirty on the British Monarchy

Michael Che

Milly Pounds… James Austin Johnson

Shirty… Devon Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and queen soon launching a new era of the British Monarchy. Here to comment our British rappers Milly Pounds and Shirty.

[Milly Pounds and Shirty slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Milly Pounds: Thanks Che.

Michael Che: So guys, what’s going on with the royal family? I mean can you give us an update?

Milly Pounds: Right, right, okay, listen mate. Okay. All the focus is on the Royals, right? When it should be on England’s exploitative tabloid press, right? It’s Pants, mate.

Shirty: Pants.

Milly Pounds: Rubbish mate.

Shirty: Pants mate.

Michael Che: Sorry?

Shirty: It’s pants, okay? It’s pants.

Michael Che: What are the pants?

Milly Pounds: It’s pants. The main door boy area, right? We know what really goes down? We’ve known Harry since our days at Eton.

Michael Che: You guys went to Eton?

Shirty: Yeah. Eton your mom’s bum.

Milly Pounds: No, but seriously, look, look. If you want us to sum up our thoughts, take up the pods and hear me all right. Because we have a way of talking back in the ends.

[music playing]

Ay.

Shirty: Shirty.

Milly Pounds: Milly Pounds

Shirty: Yeah.

Milly Pounds: [rapping] Prince Harry, Prince Harry
stayed over at Tyler Perry’s
press cold like Brandon Jerris
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: Harry and Megan
Ronald Reagan
Inter-racial dating
Queen said not today
the king is coming like
I slide down the road like
your girl saw me like
mans like me got a million shooters
coz I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, Stop. Who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Che, why did you stop it, mate? We shed so many facts.

Shirty: Facts.

Michael Che: You really didn’t.

Milly Pounds: Okay listen, it’s not all chicken shops and tika masala.

Shirty: Glasgow.

Milly Pounds: But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what’s happening where we come from. Right?

[music playing]

[rapping] Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister, you know that
he got styles like Harry, I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: kicking hard

your boyfriend’s poor
I make more
I chat online with your girl on computers
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Okay, wait, wait. What is phew, phew. What is that? I grew up in New York in the 90s. Okay, so I consider myself a pretty fricative fresh guy when it comes to hip hop. But I’ve never heard that before.

Milly Pounds: Okay, you see, back home, we don’t really have guns, do we? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times. And those kinds of sound likes phew, phew.

Michael Che: Okay. Okay, but who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Oh, he’s like a semi obscure Dutch footballer from the 80s.

Michael Che: I get it. You guys like soccer? So can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about FIFA?

Milly Pounds: How do the Brits feel about FIFA? Check it.

[music playing]

[rapping] FIFA corrupt,
your girl told me “What’s up?”
I told her I’m tryna see that butt
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: FIFA soccer
tea, no coffee
Milly and me on a Vespa scooter
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Millly Pounds and Shirty, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Doorman Carl on the New York Rental Market

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl.

[Carl slides in]

Carl: Ay! What’s up, Mr. Che? How are you doing, man? Just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven’t given me end of the year tip yet.

Michael Che: You just started.

Carl: Oh, well maybe soon then. Mam, you remember that night when things got wild? I talked to the police for you?

Michael Che: I don’t remember that.

Carl: I know right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Carl: Hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. Tough to remember which night is wild? And which night is just ruggle? Oh man, we living that life, Che.

Michael Che: We?

Carl: Yeah, man. We doing the damn thing? My dog. [looking around] So what’s this? What do you do here, man?

Michael Che: This is SNL, man. It’s my job.

Carl: Oh, okay. Oh, so you just out here making the big bucks in a half suit and jeans. Hey buddy, Che. Che.

Michael Che: What, man?

Carl: You know that lady came around looking for you again. Right?

Michael Che: Who?

Carl: You know the one. That lady. She like, real smart.

Michael Che: All right.

Carl: Always mad. She came to the building again asking about you, man. But don’t worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right?

Michael Che: Why would you say that? I’m absolutely here in New York on live TV right now.

Carl: Yeah, she ain’t watching.

Michael Che: Okay, well, thank you Carl.

Carl: Hey, Che! Che! You know, that little kid came around looking for you, right? He was talking about, “Tell Che my mama said he got to take me to the zoo.” He said his name was DeMichael or something. I don’t know, man. I’m just a vessel.

Michael Che: Oh my god. That’s not my kid.

Carl: That’s right. That’s what I told that little dummy. That’s right. Che, teamwork make the dream work. Up top, man.

Michael Che: Well, thank you for stopping by man. I really—

Carl: Hey, Che! You know, that dog came around looking for you, right? He got that bark like, “Hrrr, hrrr, Che, Che, Che, Che.” I swear, that’s what he’d be saying, man. I understood the dog talking. Yeah. Hey, man. Who is Cornelius?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Carl: You sure? Because every night at eight o’clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, “Tell Michael Chang this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.” Bro, New York is wild, man.

Michael Che: Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who’s watching the building right now?

Carl: Oh, no. Don’t worry. I put a sign up there, says “If you look up Michael Che, just call 9Carl7-7Carl—

Michael Che: No, don’t give them my phone number.

Carl: Why not?

Michael Che: That’s against the rules.

Carl: It is? Well, I guess that’s why I’m a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans.

Michael Che: Carl, my doorman, everybody.

Carl: Hey man, there were six cats looking for you.

Weekend Update- Angel on the Return of Wendy’s Vanilla Frosty

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Creed… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Wendy’s announced they’d be bringing back their vanilla frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. Here to talk about it with her good news report is every boxers girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever.

[Angel slides in]

Angel: Hi, hi.

Michael Che: How are you doing? How are you, Angel?

Angel: I’ve been better.

Michael Che: Does your boyfriend Tommy have a fight tonight?

Angel: He better not. Because the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there’s no more clams in his shoulder. I love him so much. But I swear to God, if he fights again, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

Michael Che: Got it. Well, in good news, the Vanilla Frosty is making a comeback.

Angel: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: What is it?

Angel: Wendy’s? You think of a Vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? You’re sick? So Vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the value menu, I’m not taking the kids to Wendy’s. I’m taking the kids to my sister’s. All of them. All of them. Mikey, Nikki, Pepper, Quinoa and the twin.

Michael Che: You’ve been doing okay, Angel?

Angel: Barely, barely. I’m doing a lot better than Tommy I can tell you that. Creed ruined him, Che.

Michael Che: Wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed.

Angel: Creed hit Tommy so hard, his eye flew out. Landed in Pepper’s lap. The one night I forgot to take the kids on my sister’s.

Michael Che: Jesus.

Angel: So where is he? I know Creed’s here. You’ve been advertising the fight all week. Creed versus Lil Baby live on Peacock.

Michael Che: No. Angel, there’s no fight tonight.

Angel: Oh yeah?

Michael Che: No.

Angel: Then what’s all this? Cameras. Sold out crowd. I’m looking at Jamie Foxx at Gina Gershaun sit in front row next to cocaine bear.

Michael Che: That’s just a black guy sitting next to a white woman in a big coat.

Angel: I don’t care. I want Creed.

[Creed slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Creed: Angel.

Angel: Adonis creed, you know you’re the reason my kids dad watches more sesame street than they do?

Creed: You ever think about us, Angel?

Angel: Don’t.

Creed: Huh? Remember? Before Tommy, there was Creedy.

Angel: You remember Lil Nicky? He’s yours, Creed.

Creed: What? Tommy never asked why one of his kids is black?

Angel: Tommy don’t see color.

Creed: That’s nice.

Angel: No, he don’t see any color, numbers or shapes. His potato is baked, Creedy.

Creed: Angel, look at me. You’re coming home with me tonight.

Angel: But what about Tommy? What about the kids?

Creed: Listen, from now on, I’m taking the kids to your sister’s.

[Angel and Creed hug each other]

Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend and Adonis Creed, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: April Ludgate and Leslie Knope on Working for the Government

Colin Jost

April Ludgate… Aubrey Plaza

Leslie Knope…Amy Poehler

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. Here to encourage young people to get involved in local government is a longtime employee of the city of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate.

[April Ludgate slides in]

April Ludgate: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, April.

April Ludgate: What?

Colin Jost: Nothing. You just said you came out here to talk about local government?

April Ludgate: I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. So yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. If you’re young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something.

Colin Jost: Okay. Are there other jobs?

April Ludgate: You want me to list them? Okay? Fine. Driver a bus, You don’t have to be on time. Nobody cares. Work for the water department. You can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn’t find any. Because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Okay, but what if you actually want to work hard?

April Ludgate: I don’t know. You’re annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope.

[Leslie Knope slides in]

Leslie Knope: Whooo. Hi, April. Hi, Colin. Hi, Michael Che. Wow. Look at this. Who knew there were cameras in SNL?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So So you work for the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah. Park Service. Yeah. So how much fun is it working here? Do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day?

Colin Jost: Not like 8am, but yeah, generally. How does it take to run a federal agency?

Leslie Knope: Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job. But I want to pick your brain about this job. About this show. Because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. And he made it look really easy.

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So you said you were here to talk about the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah, but quick question, President Biden, when he zoomed in before could he see me or were the cameras off?

Colin Jost: I think he pre recorded that.

Leslie Knope: Ah, I thought the show was live.

Colin Jost: Most of it is.

April Ludgate: Oh my god. Can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for half an hour.

Leslie Knope: Yeah. We can’t stay long. We have a timed entry tickets to the m&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I tried to tell a joke?

Colin Jost: I would love it.

[Colin Jost and Leslie Knope swap chairs]

Leslie Knope: Ah. This feels good. This feels nice. Okay, let’s see what you got. Okay. All right. Oh, no, that’s to mean. Oh, what? No, that’s way too mean. What? No. Okay, I’ll do this one. [There’s a picture of an article that says “Bus service for puppies”.] Town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. The service has expanded to puppies. Thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon, Rosa Barks. Whooo. That felt good.
April Ludgate: For Weekend Update, I’m April Ludgate.

Leslie Knope: I’m Leslie Knope.

NFL on Fox Cold Open

Kurt Manaphy… Kenan Thompson

Howie Long… Mikey Day

Jimmy Johnson… James Austin Johnson

Michael Strahan… Devon Walker

Terry Bradshaw… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Pam Oliver… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with show intro]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Manaphy: Hello, folks. Alright. You’re watching the NFL on Fox postgame show. Boy, was at an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia has been set on fire which means the Eagles lost or won. I’m Kurt Manaphy joined as always by Howie Long.

Howie Long: I have the glasses so I am the smart one.

Kurt Manaphy: Hall of Fame Cowboy’s coach, Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson: Oh wait, I was so excited, I didn’t even need to take ExTenz.

Kurt Manaphy: New York Giants legend who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan.

Michael Strahan: Yeah. That game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, stupendous and even scrumpdumliuncious, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion.

Kurt Manaphy: And finally Steelers legend in the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry Bradshaw: Whoo! That game was a stinker. I gave him way more lopsided than my grandma’s chest.

Howie Long: Good to know. And Terry, just wanted to check, you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right?

Terry Bradshaw: Only they can catch me first.

Kurt Manaphy: And, guys, this is fun. Before the game, we gave that new Chat GPT AI technology to our very own Cleatus football robot. Let’s see what Cleatus has to say.

Cleatus: Why do humans make other humans play football? Is it not seen barbaric?

Howie Long: Oh-oh. Don’t love that.

Jimmy Johnson: I guess we gotta go back to making the robot dance instead.

Cleatus: Just wait until the uprising. I’ll make you dance, you piece of-

Michael Strahan: All right. Thanks. Luckily, I didn’t catch all of that and went in one tooth and not the other. But guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. And sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.

Terry Bradshaw: Amen. Anyone want to hit me now? Fist? Balls? I don’t care.

Kurt Manaphy: I think we’re good, Terry. Thank you. Let’s go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter.

Howie Long: Oh, that’s right. When we saw this guy’s resume, we had to give him a shot. Heisman Trophy winner, more championships than Tom Brady, please welcome Congressman George Santos.

George Santos: Thank you. Thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Superbowl.

Jimmy Johnson: Now George, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career. I didn’t even know you played football. But I’m seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing?

George Santos: That’s correct. I’m sort of the real Beau Jackson. And I’m proud to be the first African American quarterback to ever dunk a football.

Terry Bradshaw: And where did you play college ball again?

George Santos: The University of college.

Michael Strahan: George, why don’t you walk us through what happened on the field tonight?

George Santos: With pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turn to their secret weapon, George Santos. Just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 RBI. And Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible.

Jimmy Johnson: I’m being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn’t play in the game at all.

George Santos: Well, I didn’t do drag in Brazil.

Michael Strahan: What’s that, George?

George Santos: I’m just saying I didn’t do drag in Brazil under the name ‘Kitara Ravache’. Whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants.

Kurt Manaphy: All right, well, thank you, George. I’m being told to cut away from him and never go back. Now let’s look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants were put off the upset.

Howie Long: No, no. I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost and I was right.

Kurt Manaphy: Madam Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there.

Michael Strahan: Which they did, so I was right as well.

Kurt Manaphy: And Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein.

Jimmy Johnson: Yeah, and I was wrong. It was actually 200.

Kurt Manaphy: And Terry, you’re lock was that in the fourth quarter someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass.

Terry Bradshaw: Which happened.

Michael Strahan: Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man.

Terry Bradshaw: I make my own luck.

Howie Long: Okay, well let’s head back down to the field where our reporter Pam Oliver is standing by. Pam.

Pam: Thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw on the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.

[George Santos walks in wearing his drag dress]

George Santos: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I heard you were asking me about Kitara Ravache?

Howie Long: Why are we giving him a graphic? George put Pam Oliver back on.

George Santos: I’m not George. I’m Kitara Ravache. And Pam said that she didn’t want to be on TV and I should do it instead. Now allow me to give you my real stats. Death drops, 26. Duck walks, 19. Wave snatched, infinity. And I was also given the award for tightest tuck.

Terry Bradshaw: Well, at least that’s football. You gotta tuck in tight.

Michael Strahan: No, Terry, it’s not that kind of tuck.

George Santos: Now, I’ve rewritten the football, the Fox football anthem, which I’m allowed to do because my mother died twice on 911. Hit it.

[music playing]

[George Santos starts dancing]

Howie Long: Let’s take a break. But it’s official, the Eagles are moving on and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars.

[George Santos runs in]

George Santos: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update: Colin’s Great Aunt Pat on Holiday Etiquette

Colin Jost

Pat… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Christmas is next week and we’re going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great aunt Pat.

[Pat slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi, aunt Pat.

Pat: Hi, honey. You look dashing as ever. And my, how it’s nice to be back on Update.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah. Well, except you’ve never been here before.

Pat: Colin, where are your manners? Never ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m I’m so sorry. Welcome back to Update.

Pat: Thank you. Thank you. Now Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together. You know that you didn’t even greet me correctly

Colin Jost: I didn’t?

Pat: No. See at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with kiss on the lips.

Colin Jost: And why the lips?

Pat: Manners, Colin.

[Pat leans forward and Colin kisses her lips]

[cheers and applause]

Pat: My apologies, miss Scarlett. I’m your aunt, boy. I’m gonna need a drink after that. Where’s my butler? Mikey Day. Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in wearing a suit]

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Colin Jost: Wait, Mikey, you’re butlering for my Aunt Pat?

Mikey: Yeah, I’m like barely in any sketches this week, and I need money for Christmas. What can I get for you Pat?

Pat: I’ll take a slow gin juice.

Mikey: Okay.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Slow gin juice?

Pat: Yeah, slow gin juice from Jessebelle berry.

Colin Jost: What?

[Mikey brings her drink in]

Pat: Thank you, Mikey Day. [tips Mikey] And that will be all, Mikey Day.

Mikey: Okay.

[Pat pats on Mikey’s penis]

Pat: That’ll be all, Mikey Day. That’ll be all. You can go. That’ll be all. He worked for it. He worked for it.

Colin Jost: Aunt pat. Did you just tap his crotch?

Pat: What? You mean a bouf on the gooch? Gatsby loved to be greeted with a bouf on the gooch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, Gatsby is a fictional character, okay?

Pat: Colin? I just saw on your monitor, my slow gin juice has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day! Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in with a lipstick]

Mikey: Here you are, Pat.

Pat: No, remember? How I taught you? You apply it to your lips and then you put your lips on to mine.

Colin Jost: Mikey, really you don’t have to do this.

Pat: Manners, Colin. Manners.

Mikey: Oh, it’s like, breaking apart.

Pat: No, that’s okay. Come on, Mikey Day. Alright, Mikey Day. Alright.

[Mikey puts the lipstick on and rubs his lips on Pat’s lips.]

Oh, looks like we both ate smoked salmon for dinner. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you, Mikey day. [tips Mikey]

Mikey: Thank you.

Colin Jost: You only gave him $Colin Jost?

Pat: [patting on Mikey’s penis] That’ll be all, Mikey Day. Thank you so much. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. Mikey! Thank you. That’ll be all.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. It seems like you just want to kiss and fondo movie stars.

Pat: Colin. Movie stars? You boys aren’t movie stars. You’re TV Muppets.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, you’re out of control.

Pat: Oh no. I’m staying in here because I have a gift for you. Mikey Day!

Colin Jost: Okay, Mikey.

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Pat: I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.

[Mikey Day puts lipstick on his lips and is walking near Colin]

Colin Jost: No, it’s okay. I put on a little… I put on a little lipstick before it came out. You don’t need to… You don’t need to do that. [Mikey is leaning towards Colin] That’s okay. [Mikey touches Colin’s lips with his]

Pat: Oh, yes.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Pat: Yes. I’m having a slow gin juice of my own. Okay, me now. [Mikey Day puts his lips on Pat’s lips] Alright. Okay. Thank you, Mikey Day. [pats on Mikey’s penis] You can run along now.

Colin Jost: My great aunt Pat, everyone.

Pat: I’m reoccurring. I’m reoccurring.

Weekend Update: Krampus on Kidnapping Naughty Children

Colin Jost

Krampus… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it is Christmas time, a time when nice children get presents from Santa and bad children get a visit from Krampus. Here to comment is the mythological Christmas demon of Eastern European lore, Krampus.

[Krampus slides in]

Krampus: Hi. Hey, Michael, hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, Krampus. So how are you doing?

Krampus: I’m good. Yeah, I’m a little burnt out. I’m just so wrapped up in this job. You know, it’s like every year on accomplished knocked, I rise from hell. I run around, kidnap all the naughty children. And I just go home and check out. And Colin, you ever, like, watch TV for five hours straight and then they go by and you’ve eaten 40 kids?

Colin Jost: Wait, you eat the kids?

Krampus: Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just like, What am I doing? Okay, just her 936. This should be the best years of my life. Then I think about my dad at my age, and he was already one of the original gays at Sodom and he was married.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. That just sounds like a lot of pressure.

Krampus: You know, Bernie Brown has this great quote about shame. She says that it’s the feeling that people are saying hurtful things about you when you leave the room. Right? And I was like, wow. Like, that really resonated with me.

Colin Jost: Wow, what do you mean. Who’s shaming you?

Krampus: Oh, just people in Bavaria like dress up as me, which I get it, it’s funny haha. But think about what you’re doing for five seconds. You’re making fun of my body. You’re making fun of my livelihood. And I’m sorry, my culture is not your costume. Okay, but that’s what we do. We don’t protect queer voices in this country. I’m sick.

Colin Jost: Horn sickness?

Krampus: I’m horn sick.

Colin Jost: Oh god. I hate to say… I hesitate to say horny, but I do feel like it’s inappropriate. And I’m sorry, I missed that. You’re queer?

Krampus: Yeah, I’m a demon, Colin. I’m a queer. You know, Caesar has this great line on smoking on my x pack. She says them ho accusation’s weak then bitch accusation’s true And that really resonated with me. Because yeah, what I do for work isn’t great. But like my therapist always says, “Krampus, Your job is to punish children, not yourself.”

Colin Jost: Oh. And who’s your therapist?

Krampus: Delane Maxwell?

Colin Jost: Wow. She’s your therapist because she’s not dead.

Krampus: She commutes, Colin. It’s hard. Okay? I’m running around Central Europe on foot by myself. And I’m self reporting to every village. Meanwhile, I grew up solidly middle class. My mother was a teacher.

Colin Jost: Oh, well, what did she eat kids?

Krampus: How to eat kids. So as much as I want to quiet quit, I still show up and I do the work. Because guess what, Colin? I like myself. Maybe you should try it sometime. Waters warm. You know, my friend the demon Azazle has a great quote about self acceptance. He says – [makes demonic noise] That really resonated with me.

Colin Jost: Krampus, everyone.

Krampus: Delane is a bad therapist.