Tag: season 42

Shondra and Malik

Vanessa Bayer

Shondra… Leslie Jones

Malik… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of New York streets]

[hip hop music playing]

[Shondra & Malik video bumper]

Vanessa: I’m just saying be careful out here. You don’t need that stress.

Shondra: Man, ain’t nobody worried about Malik. It’s going to be what it’s going to be. [a car is coming over] Here comes this fool now.

Vanessa: We’ll take it down the block. I don’t want to be involved.

[Vanessa walks away]

[The car pulls over and Malik comes out.]

Malik: Shondra! What I’d told you about being on my block?

Shondra: Man, this ain’t your block. And you ain’t the only one allowed to make money out here, Malik. You think you can just roll up on me by yourself?

Malik: Yo, I ain’t never along. [showing his handgun]

Shondra: [laughing] You ain’t saying nothing. What’s good then? [Showing her handgun]

Malik: Oh, so that’s how you want it?

Shondra: It’s whatever, fool.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Hey, cops.

[police car drives by]

Malik: Ya, aite! You lucky it’s hot out here.

Shondra: No, you lucky.

Malik: We’re gonna see about that. Don’t let me catch you on this block again, Shondra. It’s going down.

Shondra: Whatever.

Malik: It’s going to be a problem.

[Malik gets in the car but the engine doesn’t start.]

Shondra: Ay! Ay, you’re flooding it, man.

Malik: I’m not.

Vanessa: Sounds flooded, babe.

Malik: Come on, up!

[the engine starts]

Yeah! There it go. There it go. You know what? [Malik gets out of the car again] Like I said, don’t let me catch you on this block again, alright? Don’t let me catch you slipping.

Shondra: You ain’t going to never catch me slipping, homey.

[Malik gets in the car]

Malik: That’s all I gots to say. I’m out.

[the engine breaks]

[Cut to Shondra looking at the engine bonnet for Malik]

Malik: So what you think it is? The starter or the alternator?

Shondra: I don’t know, man. But this belt is pretty worn out. You need to get it changed.

Malik: Well, can’t you just get it going for now?

Shondra: That’s what I’m trying to do. Go get in the car and try to see if it will start.

Malik: Alright.

[Malik gets in the car. The engine starts.]

Yeah. Yeah.

Shondra: Alright. Yeah, man!

Malik: I appreciate that. I appreciate that. But this don’t change nothing. [a lot of smoke is coming out of Malik’s car] If I see you out here again, it’s gonna be a problem.

Shondra: [looking at the car] Dude, it’s smoking.

Malik: That’s me? I’m doing that?

Shondra: Yeah. That’s you.

Malik: Wait a minute. Okay now, this is P, this is reverse–

Shondra: What are you doing? Put it in drive, dude!

Malik: I am putting it in drive. Wait, that’s D, right?

Shondra: Man, you is stupid. Whose car is this?

[Malik turns the car off]

Malik: What? Man, you stupid. Especially if I catch you on my block again, you know what I”m saying?

Shondra: Man, you know what homey? You’re going to have to do what you gonna do, because– Ah! Ah! [putting her hand on her chest]

Malik: What’s wrong? What’s the matter?

Shondra: It’s my chest, man.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Hey, that’s probably your heart. You’ve got to stop it with that stress.

Shondra: I think I need to go to the hospital. Somebody call me an ambulance, man.

Malik: I can run you over there.

Shondra: What? No! Not in this raggedy car, you can’t even get it started.

Malik: Man, ambulance is gonna take too long. Come on, I’ll take you over there now. [to Vanessa] Yeah, help me get her in the car.

Vanessa: Alright.

Malik: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody in the car]

Malik: Come on! [the engine doesn’t start]

Shondra: I told you we should have called an ambulance.

[the engine starts]

Malik: Ah! Yeah! So you ain’t think it was going to start. Just hang on.

Shondra: You know what, Malik? Thanks man. If I don’t make it–

Malik: Come on, man. Don’t talk crazy, man, I got you, your’e going to be alright.

Vanessa: Does anyone smell gas?

[The car bursts into fire.]

Movie Interview

Amy Lapore… Cecily Strong

Adam Perkins… Kyle Mooney

Sarah Wilner… Felicity Jones

Sam Stevens… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Fandango All Access video bumper]

[Cut to Amy Lapore in her set]
Amy Lapore: Hi, I’m Amy Lapore and you’re watching Fandango All Access. Fandango was just a website. Now look at us. I’m here with writer/director Adam Perkins.

Adam Perkins: Thank you for having me.

Amy Lapore: Adam, this week you joined a growing chorus of actors and directors speaking to Hollywood’s invaluable role in politics. You tweeted, “Now, more than ever we artists must rise up, dig deep, and create.” Can you say a little more about that?

Adam Perkins: Thanks, Amy. Yeah. People really responded to that. You know, in this political climate, artists have a responsibility to make good work, no matter the cost.

Amy Lapore: Also joining me are Sarah Wilner and Sam Stevens.

Sarah Wilner: Hi.

Sam Stevens: Good to be here.

Amy Lapore: They’re the stars of Adam’s new movie, ‘Hot Robot 3: Journey to Boob Mountain.’ Now, we know from the first Hot Robot movie that, Sarah, you play hot robot, bisexual robot exchange student from Sweden.

Sarah Wilner: That’s right, Amy. There’s so much about her story that resonates today because Hot Robot is an immigrant and also Hot Robot is a robot.

Amy Lapore: And Sam, you fall in love with Hot Robot as Danny Burke, A.K.A. Skidmark.

Sam Stevens: Yes. Um, it was great to dive back into Skidmark.

Amy Lapore: Now, it’s been said the Hot Robot movies dare to ask the question, “What if American Pie had robots?” In ‘Journey to Boob Mountain’, what’s changed?

Sarah Wilner: Amy, I think the actual world around us has changed in a very scary way. The third Hot Robot film has a duty to reflect that. That’s why Hot Robot’s boos have gotten bigger and pointier.

Sam Stevens: Absolutely. In Robot 1, Skidmark first catches Hot Robot’s eye–

Amy Lapore: By making a bong out of hamburger buns.

Sam Stevens: In the cafeteria of college. Right. Yes. Um, but in the third film, Skidmark and his buddy Tweezer go to the factory Double D4 20, to get all the Hot Robots to harness their boob energy.

Adam Perkins: Yeah. Obviously, there’s a lot of anger about the election in that choice, but also a lot of hope. You know, if we could all harness out boob energy, who knows what we could accomplish?

Sarah Wilner: Yes. Now more than ever, artists must speak truth to power. I mean, that’s what the whole horny grandma scene is about.

Amy Lapore: Um, you’re talking about the scene where the nerd robot loses his virginity to a bus full of grandmas?

Sam Stevens: Absolutely–

Adam Perkins: I think that–

Sam Stevens: Oops, please, go ahead.

Adam Perkins: No, no.

Sam Stevens: No, please.

Adam Perkins: Well, thank you. I think that scene is about all of us. I think the horny grandmas are storytellers.

Amy Lapore: I noticed that all the grandmas were played by twenty year olds. Was that deliberate?

Adam Perkins: Ah! Good eye, Amy. Yeah, it was an illusion to utopia where no women are discarded because all women are hot.

Sarah Wilner: Oh! Sorry, that just gave me chills.

Amy Lapore: Alright, guys. Let’s get serious for a moment. The day after the election, you guys had a shoot day. What was that like?

Sam Stevens: Whew! Hmm, that was a hard one.

Sarah Wilner: Ah! Adam, who was so strong the whole day said, “Guys, just put everything you’re feeling about the election into this scene.”

Amy Lapore: I think we have a clip of that.

[Cut to the clip from the movie]

Sam Stevens: Ooh! We made it to Boob Mountain. But will I ever see you again?

Sarah Wilner: [robot voice] Me not know.

Sam Stevens: What about one last boink?

Sarah Wilner: [robot voice] Boink initiated.

[Sarah Wilner raises her both feet straight above her.

[Sam Stevens is shocked]

[Cut back to the show set]

Sarah Wilner: That was November 9th.

Amy Lapore: Wow. Alright, guys, I have one more question. And this is for anyone. If you could say anything to president-elect Trump, what would it be?

Sarah Wilner: I think I would quote my character, Hot Robot. “Me may be robot, but me love Skidmark until me go sleep sleep, bye-bye.”

Sam Stevens: [sobbing] I’m sorry. I just imagined Obama saying that.

Amy Lapore: Thanks for talking with me today, guys. ‘Hot Robot 3: Journey to Boob Mountain’ comes out January 15th, exclusively on Samsung Gear VR.

Felicity Jones Monologue

Felicity Jones

Jyn Erso … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Jones.

[Felicity Jones walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Felicity Jones: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be here hosting the first show of 2017. I’ve been in several films this year. But I’m here tonight because of an Indie Movie I’m in called ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.’ I play Jyn Erso. It’s very cool to be the lead in the film especially as a woman. I didn’t get to use a light saber in the movie, but I did get to transfer a very large data file. So, all very exciting. Watch out for my action figure which comes complete with dropbox account. ‘Rogue One’ is the first spinoff movie in the ‘Star Wars’ universe. There’s an upcoming movie about ‘Young Han Solo’, and also the first NC-17 Star Wars movie, ‘The Force Arouses’.

This is all very exciting, but I’ll have to admit that I’m–

[Jyn Erso walks in]

Jyn Erso: Jyn!

Felicity Jones: –nervous about the show. Hi.

Jyn Erso: Is that you? Jyn Erso.

Felicity Jones: Saw Garrera?

Jyn Erso: It is you, Jyn! I have some urgent news. [takes a breath through a mask]

Felicity Jones: What are you breathing from that mask?

Jyn Erso: Wouldn’t you like to know? Felicity, I heard you needed help with your SNL hosting mission. I have a message from an old friend.

[Jyn Erso puts something on the ground and leaves. A hologram of Tina Fey appears in front of Felicity Jones.]

Tina Fey: Felicity! Felicity!

Felicity Jones: Oh my god! Oh my god! Tina Fey! You’re in a head scarf. Are you a Star Wars princess?

Tina Fey: No, I just– I bought this Eileen Fisher. They have amazing deals after the holidays.

Felicity Jones: Why are you a hologram? Are you like Tupac?

Tina Fey: In so many ways. Yes. Except that Dr. Dre that I’m friend’s with is my podiatrist. Felicity, I hear you’re hosting SNL.

Felicity Jones: Yes. Yes. I’m a bit nervous to be honest.

Tina Fey: No, don’t be. If Steven Seagal can do it, so can you. All you need to do is go out there and do your best. Don’t worry about what the reviews say.

Felicity Jones: Does this show get reviewed?

Tina Fey: Yes. Way too much. Also, no matter how it goes, the president of the United States will say it’s sad and overrated.

Felicity Jones: The president?

Tina Fey: [laughing] Yeah! The president. It’s fine, no one cares. But Felicity, listen to me. Tonight there will be lots of sketches and you’re not always going to be the funny one. Here’s a rule. If your first line in a sketch is, “Hey guys, I hope you don’t mind that I brought my friend Ray Ray,” then you’re not the funny one.

Felicity Jones: Yeah. I suspected that was the case.

Tina Fey: Also, if Leslie Jones suddenly appears at the end of a sketch acting vaguely horny and angry at everyone, it means the writers couldn’t think of an ending.

Felicity Jones: Sure. I’ve only met Leslie once and she called me Downtown Abby.

Tina Fey: Well, that’s a term of endearment. She calls anyone that who is white and British. And remember, if all else fails, you should know that back in season 35, I put a fatal flaw in the system. If you take out Kenan Thompson, the studio will explode.

Felicity Jones: Is that why he’s been on the show so long?

[Kenan Thompson walks in, still wearing Jyn Erso costume]

Kenan: Well, that and he has a family.

[Kenan Thompson walks out]

Felicity Jones: I see. Thanks, Tina, your advice has been so helpful. Is there anything that I can do for you?

Tina Fey: Yes. You must get this message to J.J. Abrams. Tell him I am technically available to act in films.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: [loud voice] Felicity! Ha-ha! Whoo, girl! Why you talking to that white lady from Whiskey Tango? It is making me angry and horny.

Tina Fey: See? There it is. Now go out there and make it happen.

Felicity Jones: I’ll try my best. [the hologram disappears] We have got a great show tonight.  Sturgill Simpson is here.  Stick around and we will be right back.

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer]

[Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada.  It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Corporate Retreat

Gary… Mikey day

Sandy… Sasheer Zamata

Jim… Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Gary and Sandy on the stage announcing their show]

Gary: Alright, welcome to Night 2 of the Hartford Pharmaceuticals Corporate Retreat here at Aston Waikiki Beach Hotel.

Sandy: And a big shout out again to Jim R. from Sedona who wowed us all with his beautiful Hula dancing skills last night.

Gary: Yeah. You sure filled out that hula skirt, Jim.

Jim: Guess what? I didn’t wear underwear.

Gary: Yeah, Jim, we know.

Sandy: Yeah, we saw that.

Jim: Ha-ha-ha. Nice, it was seen.

Gary: Okay. So, Sandy and I were arguing earlier and she thinks people who work in pharmaceuticals are stuffy.

Sandy: That’s right. But, here’s your chance to prove me wrong. Tonight, you’re the entertainment.

Gary: That’s right. It’s Jokey Okey. It’s like Karaoke without music or singing.

Sandy: It’s just you guys telling your favorite jokes. So who wants to go first?

Gary: Oh! Looks like I got someone right up at table three.

[Melissa is raising her hand]

Melissa: She has a joke.

Cecily: Huh? No, I don’t.

Felicity: Yes, you do. the joke from your joke book.

[All Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are speaking weirdly and expressionlessly.]

Cecily: Oh, from my joke book? Oh, I guess I can do it.

Gary: Alright. Let’s hear it.

Cecily: Okay. So, there were two prostitutes sitting in a bar and one says, “Wanna know why I’m so popular?” And she takes a banana and she puts it all the way into her mouth and down. And the bartender says, “Oh, wow! So what makes you popular?” And the second one doesn’t say anything. She just slides down the base of the stool because it goes inside her because she’s so loose.

[Gary and Sandy are shocked]

Sandy: Okay. Well, the seagull was a fan of that.  Who’s next?

Felicity: I have one. Look at me.

Gary: Um, well we jsut had one from your table, so we’re gonna spread it around a little bit.

Felicity: Um, nobody’s hands are up and I’m ready to go. So I’m gonna do it.

Gary: Okay, just one more.

Felicity: Here it goes. What’s the difference between oral and anal relations? One makes your whole night and one makes your whole week (hole weak). Not week like seven days, weak like damaged. Or loose.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling]

[Gary takes the mic back]

Gary:  Okay! I think we covered being loose. What else do the people have? [Melissa pulls the mic] Okay. You’ve already done it.

Melissa: Not me. So a man has a sore rear hole. So the doctor tells the guy to take off all his pants and he reaches in there.

Cecily: With that? His hand?

Melissa: Yeah. He reaches up and pulls out a bouquet of flowers.

Felicity: They were roses.

Gary: Wow, okay. Excellent.

Melissa: So the doctor says, “Sir, did you know you have flowers inside you? What gives?” And the patient says, “Well, read the card.”

Cecily: I guess he must have been pretty loose back there.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling]

Gary: Wow. All your jokes deal with being loose. I guess comedy is not for everybody, right folks?

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hey! Who the hell are you to talk to these women like that? Okay? Maybe no one’s laughing because they’re thinking. These are thinkers. That’s what they call it in the biz.  I know because I dated Richard Lewis before I met the love of my life. Maybe you didn’t like all these those jokes about being loose… coz you’re so uptight.

[Everybody clapping for Kate]

Jim: My beautiful wife. My wife is right, you jackass!

Gary: [confused] Am I missing something? How did I become the bad guy here?

Sandy: She’s right, Gary. You’ve been a jerk all day.

Gary: What?

Sandy: Ladies, you got another one in here?

Cecily: That’s what she said. Oh, wait. No, no. She said, “No, but I would like another one in me.”

Felicity: That’s how loose she is.

Melissa: [giggling] And that’s what he said.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling]

[The End]

Beard Hunk

Nick… Beck Bennett

Raquel… Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Ashley… Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Beard Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunk with a sculpted beard. 25 beautiful adjacent ladies. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on ‘Beard Hunk.’

[Cut to Nick’s intro video]

Nick: Hi, I’m Nick, and this season there’s gonna be a lot of drama. a lot of excitement and as always, minimal Asians. I can’t wait.

[Cut to Nick and Raquel sitting on a park bench]

Raquel: Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Raquel: Well, my name is Raquel. I’m 24 but my face is 36. And I’m the worst girl in any room I’m in.

Nick: I like that.

Raquel: Also, i’m a business owner.

Nick: What kind of business?

Raquel: Okay, I’m not.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Raquel walks out and Vanessa sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Vanessa: Well, my name is whatever. Also, all of the girls here, I have the most abrupt ombre. And I’m looking for a husband even though I’m not old enough to vote.

Nick: How old are you?

Vanessa: 26.

Nick: That is old enough to vote.

Vanessa: Oh well.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Vanessa walks out and Ashley sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Ashley: My name is Ally and I was born in Ashley. Sorry, my name is Ashley and I was born in an alley.

Nick: I like that.

Ashley: Also I have a twin sister and this is really hard to tell you, but she’s sick… of the way I treat her.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out and Kate sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this. I’ve been waiting to talk to you all night. Cuz it’s 5:30 in the morning.

Nick: So, when was your last relationship?

Kate: Um, well, I was married last year.

Nick: Oh, really?

Kate: Yes. To you.

Nick: Oh, right. Hi.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I am a veterinarian. So, I love animals. But I’m also a very sexual person, so I’d love to jack you off whenever you want.

Nick: I’d like that.

Aidy: And here’s another little secret about me. I don’t have a gag reflex.

Nick: That’s hot.

Aidy: Yeah. But I do have four very sharp teeth.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick]

I’m so lucky to be here. In fact, I’m lucky to be alive at all. I was born eight months early. I was in an incubator for five years. The doctors spent millions of dollars to keep me alive and I survived.

Nick: Wow. What do you do now?

Ashley: I promote ice tea on Instagram.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry, Can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick]

Nick, I want to tell you something. I have a daughter. She’s 3 and she’s my best friend in the world.

Nick: Where is she right now?

Aidy: Um, I think like the neighbor’s or something. But she’s always with me because I have this drawing of us. [showing a kid’s drawing]

Nick: Aw, she’s a good artist.

Aidy: Oh, no, I did this.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Kate sits beside Nick.]

Hi, I missed you.

Nick: Thanks. So, tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m a judge… mental bitch. And for my job, I work at Hooter’s.

Nick: Wow. That’s hot.

Kate: Yeah, it’s so hot coz I work in the kitchen.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, it feels so safe right now.

Nick: So, tell me more about yourself.

Aidy: Well, my favorite animal is a frog. Because I love the water and my eye color is green. And I do pee and poop out of the same hole.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick.

Nick, I’ve been lying to you and I need to come clean. I have five STDs.

Nick: That’s okay. I don’t mind.

Ashley: Also, I didn’t bring a bikini. I only brought a one piece.

Nick: I’ll walk you out.

[Cut to the show outro]

Male voice: We’ll be right back with more ‘Beard Hunk.’]

Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jackie Evancho at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that in Trump’s inauguration, the national anthem will be performed by Jackie Evancho who finished in second place on America’s Got Talent. Though she somehow won America’s Got Talent electoral college. [Michael Che laughing]

[picture changes to Australian flag and potatoes]

An Australian man who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol and is dead.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Women’s March logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The organization planning the Women’s March on Washington on January has released the official logo for the event. It’s a great logo because like many feminists, it pushed the white women in the front.

[Cut to a person using a smart phone]

According to a new survey, 70% of the people say that their relationships have been hurt by fubbing, which is when you snub your partner to use your phone instead. Fubbing is not as I assumed when your booty’s too big to have sex in the bathtub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Never fubbed Jost?

Colin Jost: Never fubbed. Excited for it. Earlier today, New York got it’s first major snowfall, which is fun because now you know which Deli has the most rats.

Michael Che: That’s so gross. [laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Colin Jost]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, it’s the last Weekend Update of the year.

Speaker Michael Che: That’s right.

Speaker Colin Jost: And in the spirit of the holidays, we thought we try to rescue some jokes that got cut earlier in the year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panda at left top corner.]

Alright, here it goes. Gia Gia, the world’s oldest panda passed away this week at the age of 38. Gia Gia died after suffering a stroke stroke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Chipotle has begun serving chorizo. The announcement was made loudly through a bathroom door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Speaker Colin Jost: Uber has issued a new set of rules that bans passengers from having sex with a driver or other passengers. Though you can always switch over to Lyft for a mustache ride.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chocolate World logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Hershey’s Chocolate World at Pennsylvania is preparing for its 100 millionth visitor. And to celebrate, I’m about to make my eighth visit to Jerry’s Chocolate World [Picture changes to a board of strip club] by the airport.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Speaker Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Robot Presentation

Kate McKinnon

Fred Armisen

Helix 900… Beck Bennett

Helix 950… Kyle Mooney

Casey Affleck

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Kate and Fred on their presentation.]

Kate: Hello, welcome everybody. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

Fred: Thank you. Thank you.

Kate: Thank you all so much for coming to the 2016 Microsoft Tech Expo.

[music playing]

Fred: Today we are excited to introduce our latest advancement in robotic programming, the Helix 900.

[Kate and Fred walk to Helix 900]

Kate: Helix 900 is a robotic employee with processing speed 50 times faster than a computer.

Fred: Which means he can increase office efficiency by 9,000%, guaranteed!

Kate: But enough talk! What do you say we turn him on?

[audience clapping]

Alright.

[Kate turns Helix 900 on]

Fred: Alright. Introducing Helix 900.

Helix 900: Hello. I’m Helix 900. I am programmed to translate any language, read any document under 1.4 milliseconds, and store up to 50 terabytes of data. Also, I am attracted to men. I like the way their bodies look. Men are sexy to me.

Fred: Okay, great! Helix 900, everyone.

[applause]

Kate: Thank you. Thank you. Helix. Does anyone have any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry, yes. I feel weird asking this. But…

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no! Of course, ask anything.

Fred: That’s what the demo is for.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Um, why did he just say that he was attracted to men?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Oh, well, because Helix 900 identifies as homosexual.

Fred: That’s right. He’s a gay robot.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Cool. But why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Umm… why not?

Fred: It’s 2016?

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh! Right, right, right. Of course. I’m sorry I asked.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Great! [music playing] Now, would anyone like to test Helix 900’s programming? Go ahead, ask him anything. You!

[Cut to audience]

Alex: Um, yeah, [looking at his mobile phone] Helix 900, what is 4,981 times 22,912.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: 114,124,672.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, that was fast.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: Also, I can’t get enough of men’s bodies. I’m sexually attracted to them. Sex with men is the type of sex I like.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Wow! This is impressive, right?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry. It’s a work machine, right? I mean, you made him to help people work?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, that’s correct.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay, well then why is he talking so much about being gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay. Okay. So you don’t mind a gay robot as long as they don’t talk about being gay?

Fred: I’m sorry Cindy, do we still live in the stone age?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Wait. Am I wrong? [asking others in the audience] Am I being homophobic?

Aidy: Oh, I don’t want to get involved in this.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Let’s keep moving. [music playing] Helix 900 also has the most advanced life like movement of any of the Helix models. Should we take him for a spin? Helix 900, walk.

[Helix 900 starts jump-walking like a girl]

Helix 900: Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through.

Kate: Perfect. Thank you so much, Helix. Sir, did you have a question about that?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, yeah, but I don’t really want to ask it.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no, no. Come on. Ask it. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay then, did you guys program it to, like, walk gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Um, I personally didn’t see him ‘walk gay’. I just saw him… walk. Am I right, Cindy?

Kate: Yeah, yeah. Are you saying all gay people walk the same or…?

Fred: I gotta say dude, it’s weird how obsessed you are with Helix 900’s sexuality.

Kate: Yeah, I bet most of these other people didn’t even notice he was gay. Right, guys? Did you notice?

[Cut to the audience]

Aidy: Ummm….

Kenan: I don’t want to answer.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Well, buckle up because we have a surprise for you. Introducing our even more advanced model, the Helix 950.

[The door behind them open and Helix 950 walks in]

Helix 950: [talking sassy] Hey! I’m Helix 950. I have built in wireless capabilities and super fast processing.

Kate: Great! Any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: So, this robot is also gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, but how could you tell?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Well, coz you programmed his voice to be so—

Kenan: Oh boy, you really stepped in it now.

Casey: Ah! You’re right. Never mind. I support both of the gay robots and I hope they’re happy. Are they a couple, or?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Are they a couple? No, they’re not each other’s types.

Kate: FYI, not every gay robot is attracted to every other gay robot.

Helix 900: I like little Latin men.

Helix 950: And I like big strong men that can dominate me.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Oh, good. That’s great.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break, but when we come back, we’ll demo our new Helix 1000.

Fred: He is also gay but still in the closet, so please don’t say anything.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: What? Whoa! Whoa! Why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Because he’s not ready and that’s okay.