Tag: Update

Weekend Update: Nuclear Scientists Achieve “Ignition,” Trump vs. DeSantis GOP Civil War

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a science lab at right top corner.]

Michael Che: US scientists announced they have reached ignition, which is a nuclear fusion reaction producing more energy than it’s supposed to create. And they’re hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the remix to ‘Ignition’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a child using tablet at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study has found that using screens to stop a child’s tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. The study is titled “Elon Musk”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican insiders are concerned that the rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis could lead to a civil war within the party, because they already have the flags.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Parachute record setter dies at 94”]

A man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon twenty miles above the earth has died at the age of 94… when he finally hit the ground.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Whale swims 3000 miles with broken spine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that for more than a decade, they tracked a humbpback whale as it swam over 3000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. They even got a recording of it’s whale song.

Weekend Update: Krampus on Kidnapping Naughty Children

Colin Jost

Krampus… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it is Christmas time, a time when nice children get presents from Santa and bad children get a visit from Krampus. Here to comment is the mythological Christmas demon of Eastern European lore, Krampus.

[Krampus slides in]

Krampus: Hi. Hey, Michael, hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, Krampus. So how are you doing?

Krampus: I’m good. Yeah, I’m a little burnt out. I’m just so wrapped up in this job. You know, it’s like every year on accomplished knocked, I rise from hell. I run around, kidnap all the naughty children. And I just go home and check out. And Colin, you ever, like, watch TV for five hours straight and then they go by and you’ve eaten 40 kids?

Colin Jost: Wait, you eat the kids?

Krampus: Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just like, What am I doing? Okay, just her 936. This should be the best years of my life. Then I think about my dad at my age, and he was already one of the original gays at Sodom and he was married.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. That just sounds like a lot of pressure.

Krampus: You know, Bernie Brown has this great quote about shame. She says that it’s the feeling that people are saying hurtful things about you when you leave the room. Right? And I was like, wow. Like, that really resonated with me.

Colin Jost: Wow, what do you mean. Who’s shaming you?

Krampus: Oh, just people in Bavaria like dress up as me, which I get it, it’s funny haha. But think about what you’re doing for five seconds. You’re making fun of my body. You’re making fun of my livelihood. And I’m sorry, my culture is not your costume. Okay, but that’s what we do. We don’t protect queer voices in this country. I’m sick.

Colin Jost: Horn sickness?

Krampus: I’m horn sick.

Colin Jost: Oh god. I hate to say… I hesitate to say horny, but I do feel like it’s inappropriate. And I’m sorry, I missed that. You’re queer?

Krampus: Yeah, I’m a demon, Colin. I’m a queer. You know, Caesar has this great line on smoking on my x pack. She says them ho accusation’s weak then bitch accusation’s true And that really resonated with me. Because yeah, what I do for work isn’t great. But like my therapist always says, “Krampus, Your job is to punish children, not yourself.”

Colin Jost: Oh. And who’s your therapist?

Krampus: Delane Maxwell?

Colin Jost: Wow. She’s your therapist because she’s not dead.

Krampus: She commutes, Colin. It’s hard. Okay? I’m running around Central Europe on foot by myself. And I’m self reporting to every village. Meanwhile, I grew up solidly middle class. My mother was a teacher.

Colin Jost: Oh, well, what did she eat kids?

Krampus: How to eat kids. So as much as I want to quiet quit, I still show up and I do the work. Because guess what, Colin? I like myself. Maybe you should try it sometime. Waters warm. You know, my friend the demon Azazle has a great quote about self acceptance. He says – [makes demonic noise] That really resonated with me.

Colin Jost: Krampus, everyone.

Krampus: Delane is a bad therapist.

Weekend Update: Trump Launches NFT Trading Cards, FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Insiders are saying that the House January 6 committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump. But after this week, I think he’s pretty much locked down that insanity place. Semi retired maniac Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital NFT trading cards depicting him in various costumes, including cowboy, superhero and most unbelievable of all, guy who didn’t dodge the draft. I’m honestly just relieved that he’s wearing an American military uniform. It’s such a funny move to get into NFTs after the whole market just crashed. It’s like getting into Kanye now. Which Trump also kind of did.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sam Bankman-Fried at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of the cryptocurrency company FTX was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. I’m gonna guess while swimming in a T-shirt. Prosecutors allege that Bankman-Fried took funds from FTX customers to make large political donations. That money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren’t working.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden’s seen here giving the eulogy at a pimp’s funeral formally approved new legislation that will guarantee federal protections for same sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my grandpa’s dead body.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene who, let’s just face it, is absolutely my type, complained that people can buy butt plugs in target now. She also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Biden also hosted leaders of African countries at the White House for the US African Business Forum. Coincidentally, US African Business Forum is what they call Weekend Update in Nigeria. [Picture changes to Colin Jost and Michael Che in Weekend Update set]

Weekend Update- Trump Claims Constitution Should Be Terminated, Brittney Griner Freed

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, it was shaping up to be a good week for Joe Biden. He got Brittney Griner back. He kept marriage gay. And he’s only got he’s only got 14 More sleeps until Santa. But then just when he thought he had it all under control, Kiersten Sinema said “Hold my wig.”

[picture changes to Kiersten Sinema]

Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema seen here realizing that someone is actually waving to the person behind her, announced that she’s leaving the Democratic Party and is registering as an independent. Explained Sinema, “Pay attention to me.”

[Picture changes to Britney Griner]

WNBA star Brittney Griner was freed from prison in exchange for Russian arms dealer Victor Boot. It’s actually a great trade because Boot was only averaging five points and two rebounds a game.

[Cut to Michael Che. are pictures of Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Raphael Warnock defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia Senate run off race. But I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker. I mean, unless he’s your biological father. With Raphael Warnock’s win, Democrats in the Senate will no longer have to rely on vice president Harris for tie breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority – [picture changes to Joe Biden falling from bicycle] waiting for a worst bike accident.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a woman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Supreme Court heard a case this week over whether a conservative evangelical woman can refuse to design a website for a same sex marriage. But honey, I don’t know any gay couple who’s going to hire a designer with those highlights?

Michael Che: Honey?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I apologize. [picture changes to Samuel Alito] During oral arguments in the case Justice Samuel Alito raised the hypothetical. -Could a black department store Santa be forced to take a picture with a child dressed in a Klan robe? Alito added that he’d love an answer before he takes his grandkids to the mall next week.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture of Morocco and Portugal flags at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t think I saw it today, Morocco beat Portugal in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Yeah, it’s the best World Cup performance by a team of Africans since the unpaid workers who built the stadiums. I didn’t do it.

Portugal’s Head Coach decided not to start soccer legend Cristiano Ronaldo in today’s loss. Even more insulting, at halftime he tried to trade Ronaldo for Brittney Griner. But the biggest upsets so far in the World Cup was their favorite Brazil was eliminated, except for a tiny strip down the middle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Nike has officially cut ties with Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving over his anti semitism scandal. Kyrie says he’s so depressed he might jump off the edge of the world.

Today, today was the Santacon bar crawl in New York City. Yeah, the annual reminder that while Santa may exist, God doesn’t.

Weekend Update- Mary Anne Louise Fischer on Holiday Shopping

Michael Che

Mary Ann Louise Fisher… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, folks, the holiday season is officially upon us and here with some tips on how to get your holiday shopping done quickly is the most chaotic holiday shopper ever. Mary Ann Louise Fisher.

[Mary Ann Louise Fisher slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Hello, Michael. Hey, hey. We got about three minutes to do this. I still got seven stores to hit on this block.

Michael Che: Wow. So you’ve been pretty busy.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Oh, yeah, I have, Michael. See, I’m one to 27 children’s, so I got a lot of shopping to do. And I need to do it fast and I need to do to crazy. You ever seen the aisles at Ross Dress For Less?

Michael Che: Yes, that place is a wreck. I mean most of the merchandise is on the ground.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Yeah, that’s me, Michael. That’s all me. Every single Ross, that’s me.

Michael Che: So you’re single handedly trashing all the Ross’s.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: You’ve ever tripped over a pair of Billabong board shorts stuck to a Winnie the Pooh children’s teapot? That was me, Michael.

Michael Che: But why mess everything up?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Power, Michael. I need to leave my mark. And sometimes to find that one perfect shirt, you have to unfold 40 and dump them all on the floor.

Michael Che: All right, well, you’re here to give us some holiday shopping tips. Right?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: That’s correct. Tip number one. Get you one of these. [pulls out a neck brace and wears it] Did you know anyone can buy a neck brace? You don’t even have to go to a doctor. These things make people stay out of your way. They think you’re wounded. But only you know your neck is strong as hell. Now, Michael, guess how much all the Santa plates were?

Michael Che: Wait, what?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: $3. Okay? All right? Now guess how much this shirt was?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Maybe…

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: $3. Okay. You want me to show you how I got it?

Michael Che: Sure.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Okay, so hold this. [gives Michael Che the shirt] And pretend you’re a customer looking at it.

Michael Che: Well, ain’t this a lovely blouse.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: [snatches the shirt from Michael Che’s hands] Give me that damn shirt. That was in my basket.

Michael Che: Alright, well that was intense. I see how that works for you. But like you have any other tips.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Tip number two. If your blood sugar drops, JC Penney got nuggets.

Michael Che: What?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: JC Penney got chicken nuggets. All you got to do is get yourself stuck on that escalator, make a fuss and the manager will find you some nuggets. Okay?

Michael Che: Are you alright?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: No, Michael, what the hell are you talking about? I know too much. I seen too much. It’s a warzone out there. And I just got done doing three tours in Nordstrom Iraq.

Michael Che: Nordstrom Rack is just a department store. It’s not that serious.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Okay, you have no idea Michael. I’m the one out here on his front lines. Now my third and final tip, and I shouldn’t have to say this. But if you can be black, because if you’re white acting like this, someone will take a video and you will lose your job. You see Michael? There is no such thing as a black Karen. See, I could slap the hell out of you right now and nobody was saying a word. My job is safe.

Michael Che: What do you even do for work?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: I sue the city. The city has a lot of money and a bunch of uneven sidewalks.

Michael Che: Mary Ann Louise Fisher, everybody.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: I got you some gift, it’s some jeans.

Michael Che: No, I’m good.

Weekend Update- Kurt and Deb from Wyoming on Rekindling the Spark

Colin Jost

Kurt… Mikey Day

Deb… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle the spark in the bedroom is showing up on several holiday must have lists. Here it’s authors Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. [Kurt and Deb slide in] Hey guys, so why don’t you tell us about how this book came about?

Kurt: Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married close to 20 years now.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Things kind of fizzled out in bed.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Well, we discovered my wife’s got a talent for doing voices of famous people. So we took that out into the bedroom.

Colin Jost: Okay, so sort of like role playing?

Kurt: Yeah, but with celebrities. For example, we’ll show you our technique at wor. Baby, you want to show him Drew Barrymore? You’re gonna like this.

Deb: [in Drew Barrymore’s voice]Oh my god, that feels amazing.

Kurt: Do you like that, Drew Barrymore?

Deb: Yes, it’s fantastic.

Kurt: Yeah? How much? How much you like it?

Deb: So much.

Kurt: Louder. Come on.

Deb: It’s literally blowing my mind.

Kurt: Louder, come on.

Deb: It’s so orgasmic.

Kurt: Whoo! I’m half master.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I know.

Kurt: Is that not hot as hell?

Colin Jost: I can see. Yes. I know we’re all getting really turned on.

Kurt: Yeah, you are. Horn dog. So Drew is a good girl but she does bad girls too like that Russian con artists lady from Inventing Anna. You know? Do Anna Delvey for him. Come on?

Deb: [in Anna Delvey’s voice] Ah, you’re nothing little boy.

Kurt: Yes Miss Delvey. Miss Delvey is a dom. Yes, Miss Delvey.

Deb: You’re so weak and poor.

Kurt: Yeah, come on. Please, ruin my credit score. Ruin my credit score.

Deb: Oh, my orgasm is on the way.

Kurt: Yeah, it is, Miss Delvey. Yeah. Damn.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s great. I’m curious. Easy. I’m curious how many voices does she do?

Kurt: Man? I think I’ve made love to about thousand celebrities at this point. I mean, last night I was with the Ms. Meryl Streep. Come on baby.

Deb: I gotta use a prop.

Kurt: Yeah, you can use a prop.

Deb: [in Meryl Streep’s voice] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that’s delicious.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: Oh, well, it’s utterly divine.

Kurt: Oh, you’re so talented.

Deb: Oh yeah, it’s like lovely music.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: I finished.

Kurt: There it is. Whoo.

Michael Che: I got a question. Does she do any black ones?

Kurt: No, she does not. But she can do what’s your name? Scarlett Johansson. Do you know her?

Colin Jost: Yes, I do.

Kurt: You know her?

Colin Jost: Yes.

Kurt: Have you seen her? What’s that movie? “Under her skin”?

Colin Jost: I don’t think. I think it’s “Under The Skin”.

Kurt: “Under the skin.” Of course, you know what it’s called, horn dog. Look at you correcting me. 24 minutes 11 seconds, whoo! All right.  Do Scarlett.

Deb: [in Scarlett Johansson’s voice] Hey, I’m married to Colin, but I need a real man.

Kurt: Yeah. Yeah, you do. Why don’t you get over here, Black Widow? Come on, Black Widow. This spider bites, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, thanks. I think we’re good on that one. I just want to point out Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits.

Kurt: Okay, yeah. I’m not as good at voices as Deb. But I can’t say like one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it. Didn’t you?

Deb: I love Little Stewy.

Kurt: You want me to do Little Stewy?

Deb: Uh-huh.

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: What are you gonna do to me, Little Stewy?

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Oh yeah?

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Excellent.

Deb: Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Now do Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Kurt: Oh, you want Shaggy? Do you deserve it? Wow. Scoobs. Joinks. Scoob. Joinks.

Colin Jost: All right, thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Chris Christie’s Niece Attacks Latino Family, France Gives Out Free Condoms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chris Christie’s niece was arrested on a Spirit Airlines flight to Newark after she accused the Latino family of smuggling cocaine, then injured multiple officers by biting them and kicking them in the groin. She has been sentenced to life in the New Jersey Hall of Fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of R Kelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new album from R Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, “And it was not easy to remove his streams,” said the maid who cleaned his couch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gorilla at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Christmas. The Los Angeles Zoo announced that Evelyn, a 46 year old grill of famous for her red hair has been euthanized. Not because she was sick, but because it’s LA and she was in her 40s. Okay.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Woman leaves 3 buckets of feces for police’]

This’ll get you back. A woman in Texas allegedly dumped three buckets of human waste in front of a police department and drove away. It’s a rare case of erratic behavior from a lady who poops in a bucket. Also, I want to point out that as disturbing as the story is, it’s not as disturbing as imagining the woman’s drive to the police station with full buckets of feces. Because one speed bump turns her car into a Starbucks bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of condom at right top corner.]

Michael Che: France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool, now do deodorant.

Weekend Update- Thriller’s 40th Anniversary, Police Bust Super Cartel

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jerry Jones at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is under fire over a picture of him from Colin Jost957 where he looks on as black students are stopped from entering his school. Okay, so maybe Jerry Jones was a racist back then. But tell me this. Would a racist on a team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field? No, right? The answer is no.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of volcano eruption at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hawaii’s Mauna Loa, the world’s largest active volcano began erupting for the first time since 1984. Also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the 40th anniversary of the classic Michael Jackson albums Thrill. And say what you will about Michael Jackson, but he definitely had a huge effect on a lot of people’s childhoods. I don’t know what you guys like anymore.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of World Health Organization logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The World Health Organization is changing the name of monkey pox to M pox due to concerns that the original could be considered racist, which I didn’t even really think was an issue. But now I’m just wondering what’s the N and N-95?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a vocabulary of word ‘gaslighting’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Merriam Webster announced that its word of the year is gaslighting . Gaslighting, if you don’t know is the word my ex made up to magically win arguments that she was losing.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says ‘Police break up cocaine super cartel’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Law enforcement departments in six European countries arrested nearly 50 drug traffickers who were running a cocaine super cartel. And you know what made the cartel really super? Friendship.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Police officer delivers 5th baby in 9 years’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A police officer in New York State is being called the baby whisperer after he helped deliver his fifth baby in nine years. “Only five babies and nine years?” said Nick Cannon.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman gives birth in McDonald’s” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay, there you are, okay. A woman in Atlanta gave birth to her baby in a McDonald’s. So caution! Wet floor.

Weekend Update- Peppa Pig Fan Club President on the Show’s Gay Characters

Michael Che

Trish Dale… Sarah Shermon

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce the same sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is very upset president of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale.

Trish Dale: Hi Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Yes, I understand you’re pretty upset about this new addition to the show.

Trish Dale: Michael, I’m more than upset. I’m mad as H-E-single C-single K.

Michael Che: Wow, you spell it out. You spell out ‘heck’. Okay.

Trish Dale: Michael, you may think I’m overreacting. But parents who love Peppa Pig should get to choose what kind of thing their kids see.

Michael Che: Well, what are the characters like?

Trish Dale:  Well, it’s a polar bear girl with two daddies and one’s a doctor and one stays home and make spaghetti.

Michael Che: Well I think that actually sounds kind of cute.

Trish Dale: Yeah, it is. It is cute. Until they anally enter each other.

Michael Che: What?

Trish Dale: Come on, Michael. Sure, in the first episode, they make spaghetti. But you know, as soon as those plates are cleared, they’re anally entering each other. And one is a doctor so he knows just where it goes.

Michael Che: Trish, I don’t think that’s going to happen on the show.

Trish Dale: Oh, I know. They’re do something innocent like teach Peppa howto ride a bike.

Michael Che: Well, that’s nice.

Trish Dale: And then once Peppa has the hang of it, they’ll say, “You got this girl,” and then they go behind the bush and they’ll anally enter each other.

Michael Che: Trish, I think the show is just reflecting that gay people exist and that it’s just a part of life.

Trish Dale: It’s not a part of life. It hurts.

Michael Che: What does?

Trish Dale: I tried it. To find out if it hurts. And it hurts. And they’re polar bears so you know it’s like this big. Imagine that in you.

Michael Che: Trish, I think you need to calm down.

Trish Dale: I can’t. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried meditation, poppers and stickers. And there’s another episode where…

Michael Che: Trish please.

Trish Dale: And there’s another episode where Peppa is having trouble with her homework. So the bigger polar bear, the more masculine one says, “Hey, let’s go upstairs and get our calculator.” But then they never come back. And you want to know why? Do you want to know what they were doing up there, Michael?

Michael Che: Anally entering each other?

Trish Dale: Showering.

Michael Che: Oh, okay.

Trish Dale: To get ready to anally enter each other because of the whole process.

Michael Che: How do you know that?

Trish Dale: I googled it. I spent all day googling all this stuff because it’s sick.

Michael Che: Well then, don’t let your kids watch.

Trish Dale:  I don’t have kids… anymore.

Michael Che: Anymore?

Trish Dale: They grew up. And I don’t know where they are.

Michael Che: Trish, this is all in your head. The show will never show any of that.

Trish Dale: And that’s why I animated my own. so everyone can see exactly what I’m talking about.

Michael Che: Oh, the big one is the bottom. That’s good.

Trish Dale: Michael, that’s the twist.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I hate to interrupt.

Trish Dale: Who are you?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. I actually watched the show and it’s two polar bear mommies, not two daddies.

Trish Dale: What? What is that? Now I have to google that?

Michael Che: No, no. It’s like… [whispering on Trish Dale’s ear]

Trish Dale: Oh. So it’s just mashing and mushing. Oh, that’s fine. I’ve done that. I’ll take your papers.

Michael Che: Trish Dale, everybody.

Trish Dale: I love you.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Michael Longfellow on Being a Child of Divorce During the Holidays

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s the holiday season which can be especially tough for children of divorce. Here to comment is child of divorce, Michael Longfellow.

Michael Longfellow: Happy Holidays, everyone. Happy Holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Happy Holidays, Michael. So your parents are divorced. Was that hard for you?

Michael Longfellow: No. I was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. To be honest, until I got older, I wasn’t even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, “You know your parents had sex to have you?” And I was like, “Well, I don’t think they’ve met. So that’s stupid.”

Colin Jost: Oh, sure you were aware at some point they’d met right?

Michael Longfellow: I wasn’t, and don’t call me Shirley. Snakes on a Plane?

Colin Jost: It’s not Snakes on a Plane. Okay. All right. Obviously, the holidays must have been more difficult with divorced parents.

Michael Longfellow: I disagree. There are perks to having parents that are always getting married and you know divorced and married again. You ever asked for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I have. And I don’t have to wait for him to grow up. He came off the shelf ready to go. We were playing catch that day.

Colin Jost: Wow, that must have been nice.

Michael Longfellow: Must have it. It was.I’m sorry. And brothers aren’t the only thing divorce has given me. It’s given me sisters, moms, dads, and all of different genres. Like you have my real dad, who’s very strict and quiet and wear suits. And then you have my newest dad Terry, who’s a semi nudist. I’ve seen naked 43 times.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Longfellow: And I’ll tell you this, Colin, when you see your mom’s boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things, but you don’t think it’s gonna happen 42 more times.

Colin Jost: Well, at least hope he has a nice body.

Michael Longfellow: Why?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t know. Nevermind. So, are you saying you then pro divorce?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad is a divorce attorney. So put food on my table.

Colin Jost: Wait, so your father is a divorce attorney who’s also been divorced?

Michael Longfellow: Multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. Is he a bad husband or a workaholic? Man as an artist. He’s out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still a great dad. Like, he told me everything a kid should know. Brush your teeth, do your homework. If infidelity can’t be proven, they’re only entitled to 30%. And it’s not easy to prove in a court of law. Text messages are not enough.

Michael Che: Hmm, it’s good to know.

Colin Jost: So it sounds then that your dad enjoys his work.

Michael Longfellow: Oh, absolutely. In fact, he met his current wife because he handled her divorce. Some would say that’s a conflict of interest, but I just say he’s got that dog in him.

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: And don’t call me Shirley.