Tag: Woody Harrelson

Match’d

Jerry Tremain… Woody Harrelson

Deseray… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with MTV video intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV, your DVR must be empty. Next up, it’s Match’d!

[Cut to Match’d show set.]

Jerry: Hello everyone, I’m your host Jerry Tremain and welcome to Match’d where one lucky girl gets to choose from these three guys.

[Cut to the guys]

[Cut to Jerry and

Today’s girl is Deseray. Deseray, why don’t you tell us about yourself?

Deseray: I’m horny as hell and here to fix that.

Jerry: Well, that’s one way to start. Let’s get right to it then. Deseray, what’s your first question?\

Deseray: Guy number one, I’m a nasty girl. What would you do to impress me.

Beck: Well, I’m a waiter. So, I know food. I would take you back to my house and show you my special ingredient. My penis.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Ooh! Sounds ya! Okay, guy number two.

Kyle: Well, I’m also a waiter. But I might as well be a roller coaster, coz I’ll give you the ride of your life and make you scream, from head to butt.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: I like that stuff. Guy number three?

Taran: I’m a waiter as well. But my thing’s about the library. We would go there and check out my doomy decimal system.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Those are some pretty sexual answers, guys.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Well, as far as I know, I’m the horniest guy I know, Jerry.

Kyle: And I’m even hornier, Jerry.

Taran: I’m so horny Jerry, I’m about to explode.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, well take this opportunity to learn a little bit more about Deseray. She is from Saint Louis, Messieurs.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Oh, yeah!

Taran: I’m horny.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: She’s 18 years old.

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: That’s so hot right now.

Beck: Yeah!

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: And she’s my daughter.

[Cut to the guys. They are silent.]

[audience laughing]

Kyle: What’s up?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, should we continue? Deseray.

Deseray: Okay, guy number one, just a second ago, you said you were the horniest guy you know.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No, ma’am. That’s not what I said.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: What’s the best way to turn you on?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Well, first, I would make sure you were fully clothed because I believe a girl’s– when she’s fully clothed, that’s when she’s the most sexy, sir. And then I would ask to meet your mother so that I could check the hand of the woman who brought you into this world.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Can’t shake hand to the ghost. Guy number two. What’s your idea of a sexy date?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Well, sir, I just want to start off by saying thank you for having me on your show, sir. That’s why I’m merely here after all. To learn about the game show industry and it all comes to together, sir. Like, were you always a game show host, sir?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: No, before this, I was active duty marine for 25 years. Now, answer the question.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. On our date, I would take Deseray to a war memorial, sir. Because it’s important to reflect on our fallen heroes. Especially since it was just Veterous day.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Veterous day?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. Veterous day, the day we celebrate our veterous.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Are you saying veterous?

Deseray: Okay, guy number three. You were told to bring me a fun little gift.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Pass!

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: No, you can’t pass. Show it to me in front of my dad

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh! Okay, I brought you panties … which belonged to my great grandmother. And I wanted you to have them because I believe in family, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Your grandmother owned crotch-less panties?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, sir, that hole is just because they’re very old, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Oh, yes. Guy number one, we had you write me a sexy poem before the show. Can I hear it now?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Would it be possible for me to make some revisions first, ma’am?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Just read it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [reading the poem] Roses are red, my balls are blue

why don’t you bend over, so I can see inside you

And so to clarify, my intention was to look all the way up inside her to her beautiful brain.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: That’s physically impossible.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yes, sir. Good feedback. Might I add, you’re doing a great job of keeping this moving.

[reminder sound]

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, that sound means it’s part of the show called “The Moment Alone” where I go back stage and give you four a moment alone. See you in a bit.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry leaves the set.]

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Well, is that for real? He’s gone?

[Cut to Deseray]

Deseray: Yeah!

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Okay, I’m so horny for you. I’m the horniest guy here.

Beck: Not true, because I’m horny for you in front and back. Yes, please.

Kyle: I’m horny but a gentleman. And since you’re a lady, you can go down on me first.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry walks back in.]

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Alright everyone. How was your moment alone?

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: Excellent sir. We mostly just let your daughter talk and we listened, sir. She is truly special, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: I agree. Okay, it’s time for a commercial break. When we return, we’ll all watch footage from their moment alone. We’ll be right back with more “Match’d”.

Last Call with Woody Harrelson

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Chip Fister… Woody Harrelson

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth. There are two customers.]

Bartender: Okay, last call, you two. Order now before I turn on the lights and you really see what’s going on with yourselves.

Chip Fister: Bartender, [Cut to Chip Fister] I have a legal speed ball that’s red bull and ambien.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: And I’ll take a tequila and condensed milk, please. I’m meeting a friend here tonight, Mr. Al K. Hal. [laughing]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: Ah! I see there’s still one dried up old leaf that hasn’t dropped off the tree yet.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Why don’t you wreck me up in a pile and jump on top of me before you bag me and leave me on the curb for someone else to deal with, huh?

[Cut to Chip Fister]

Chip Fister: Sounds like a job for my leaf blower. Eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows.

[Cut to Bartender looking at Chip Fister disgusted.]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, is this stool taken? Coz, the one I’m sitting on’s got a nail that’s giving my butt meat the what for.

Chip Fister: Screw it on over. I don’t bite. My poligrip won’t allow it.

[Sheila Sauvage moves near Chip Fister]

Sheila Sauvage: I noticed you over here coz you’re so breathing.

Chip Fister: And I noticed you coz you’re vertical and you have a pepperoni on your neck.

Sheila Sauvage: Then it worked.

[Sheila Sauvage takes the pepperoni out of her neck and eats it.]

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Okay, let’s wrap it up. Moonlight come and me wanna go home.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage. Sheila Sauvage puts her hand on Chip Fister’s shoulder.]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, they call me Sheila Sauvage. They being the people who hold bathroom key at White Castle. What’s your mommy yell when she wants you to come home for dinner, huh?

Chip Fister: Chip. Chip Fister. Which is weird because I work as Lays as a chip shifter. I pick out the gross ones.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: You sure do.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: What do you do for a living?

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, me? I replaster unpopular glory holes.

Chip Fister: I think I’ve seen your work.

[Bartender giving them drinks]

Bartender: Alright, alright. Here you go, name and nut. I put them into go cups coz you need to go.

Chip Fister: Wow. I’ve been looking at you all night. You were, uhhh [gesturing average] But now I’m thinking, yeww.

Sheila Sauvage: And you? You had me at when you didn’t leave with the others.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Could you two hurry this up? I gotta get up at the dawn.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright. You heard the man. Let’s speed this mama up and take the express train to Penetracia.

Chip Fister: As long as you don’t mind taking a detour through STDetroit.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage start touching each other’s faces]

Sheila Sauvage: Are you feeling what I’m feeling?

Chip Fister: You’re feel it’s an impulse to rech, then yes, but I’m willing to ignore it.

Sheila Sauvage: Wait, hang on. Hang on. Apparently there’s a lot of nasty stuff going around since the CDC.

Chip Fister: And who knows better than the sinner for doing it correctly?

[Sheila Sauvage takes plastic wrap out]

Sheila Sauvage: We need to use protection. Bar keep, I’m gonna borrow a square foot of your cling wrap if that’s okay.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: But that’s not my front.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright.

[Sheila Sauvage covers her face with plastic wrap paper and kisses Chip Fister]

[Cut to Bartender looking at them shockingly.]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kissing with the plastic on.]

Chip Fister: Oh, oh! Hey! Let’s==

Sheila Sauvage: That was unstrordinary.

Chip Fister: I think I dejaculated.

Sheila Sauvage: You know what, buster? We’re gonna live on the edge here. Come on.

[Sheila Sauvage puts the plastic wrap on again]

Chip Fister: Yeah! Hey, let’s break the seal on this deal.

[Chip Fister makes a hole on the plastic]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ve been breached.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kiss without the plastic wrap]

[Bartender is putting kerosine everywhere]

Bartender: Well, I gotta kill us all, I guess.

[cheers and applause]

Football Halftime Speech

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Taran Killam

Crandle… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with video clip of a football game]

Male voice: At the end of the first half, it’s Garrison 28 and Newton, 21.

[Cut to Newton’s locker room]

Coach: Get in here guys. Now, take a seat. We can win this. Where’s the defense? You all can’t tackle anybody.

Taran: It’s just, coach, it’s harder to tackle with the new rules.

[Cut to the coach.]

Coach: Oh, the new league wide concussion rules. That’s your excuse? Do we need to go over this again? [Cut to everybody] Okay. Fine. Crandle, come on. Get up here.

[Crandle walks in front]

[Cut to coach and Crandle]

Now, what is so hard about this? It’s the same tackle you fellas have always done. It’s just a little safer on the nugget. You see a man, right? That’s your target. Okay. So, we wanna plaque, arch that back, shoulders over feet guys, then engage. [coach holds Crandle. Crandle is feeling uncomfortable.] That brings him up. Then as he goes down, you cup the neck open up and down supporting him and lower him gently to the turf like a prince putting his princess to bed. Back of the head–

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Put your princess to bed.

Coach: Good! Now, as he’s going down, we’re gonna want to check handle them. Cran, are you feeling supported?

Crandle: I feel safe, coach.

Coach: Okay, good. Now that he’s on the ground, you assess his cognitive awareness. Does everybody have their pen lights?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes, sir!

Coach: Okay. Check their eyes. Remember, if the pupils dilate…

Everybody: You did great!

Coach: Okay. Now, can we do that?

Everybody: Yeah!

Coach: Can you do it?

Everybody: Yes.

Coach: Can you do it cautiously without intent to harm?

Everybody: Yeah!

Coach: Alright, then. And to help, I’ve brought special guest to you. He’s the greatest player to ever come out of Newton High. Please say hello to nine times Pittsburgh steeler, Mr. DC Timmon.

[Mr. DC Timmon walks in. The players are excited.]

Mr. DC Timmon: Alright. Ae, okay. I’m looking around, and I don’t know if y’all really wanna win tonight. Here’s what I’m saying. Forget the new rules. In my day, we never had these rules. You go out there, hit hard. Coz, that’s football. I never had these rules. Because you can forget them really. So, you out there, and you never had these rules, never! And never did! Coz, that’s football. I never football. Never!

[Cut to Mr. DC Timmon showing his hand]

You see this? I got four rings, baby. Four!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: You’re not wearing any rings.

Mr. DC Timmon: Who said something about some rings? Just leave. One day. This one’s for all of my bros. This is Superbowl. Go out there and never football. Coz, you are all prep members of the New York city jazz, yeah!

[Mr. DC Timmon walks to a door]

Coach: Hey, DC, that’s a closet.

Mr. DC Timmon: Hey, man, I know what it is.

Coach: Yeah, you see? You understand the importance of these new rules? Okay, now I got more good news. We got brand new helmets provided for you by the people.

[A guy brings in the helmets. The helmets are too large for heads.]

You look great. You look great. Okay. Get them on three, one, two, three.

Everybody: Get them.

Coach: One, two, three.

Everybody: Get them.

Coach: Now remember, somebody’s tired out there.

[players trying to run with over sized helmets but can’t go out the door.]

Campfire Song

Christi… Venessa Bayer

Don… Kyle Mooney

Todd… Woody Harrelson

Eva… Leslie Jones

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with five friends enjoying camp fire.]

Christi: Such a brisk fall evening. I’m so glad I brought all these Chanel throws.

Don: Me too. This camp fire is so cozy. You build a good fire, Todd.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Oh, thanks. I just got lucky.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: You know what this reminds me of? Back when we used to hang out.

Randy: Oh, yeah, it does.

[Cut to everybody]

Todd: Hey, you know what would be great right now? Some camp fire songs.

[Todd brings out a guitar]

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Oh, yeah. Let’s sing. That sounds fun. Hey, do you know ‘Michael, row your boat ashore’?

Todd: Oh, no. Not really. No. Oh, I know– Maybe, you guys would like this old chestnut. Just join in once you recognize it.

[Todd starts playing guitar and singing]

Apples, apples
apples are a fruit from a tree

Come on, don’t be shy.

Apples, apples
you and me get apples tonight.

You guys still know this?

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Apples, apples,
gather your apples, you’re the cat of the walk

You really don’t know this?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: No.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You do. You have to.

Apples, apples,
the look in her eyes says everything.

Little louder, guys.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: None of us know this.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Yeah, but you will. Okay, here comes the bridge.

Apples, apples,
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying.
in the usual way, in the usual way

Come on, you know this part. [Cut to everybody] it just keeps repeating.

In the usual way

Go, Christi.

[Cut to Christi]

Christi: In the usual way.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s not right. You do it Don.

[Cut to Christi and Don looking shocked.]

Don: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s wrong. Okay, come on everybody. You know you will get it.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Bad job Eva. You try Randy.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, you’re not getting it. Let’s just go back to the chorus.

Apples, apples,
in the blink of an eye, you’re larger than life.

[Cut to everybody]

Randy: Todd! Stop it. [Cut to Eva and Randy] None of us know this song, for real.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yeah, Todd, we don’t know what you’re playing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Well, I do. I guess you don’t like it so. Watch this.

[Todd throws the guitar into the lake. The water splashes on Christi and Don]

Randy: Todd, that was unreasonable.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Todd, that was your only possession.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: I still got my pick.

[Todd throws the pick to the lake too. The same amount of water splashes on Christi and Don.]

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: Guys, this has gone too far. We gotta tell him. We gotta tell him.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Tell me what?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: We were kidding around, Todd. Of course we know the song. You sing it like every time we get together.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: Yeah. We were just gonna join in in the last verse.

Eva: But you went crazy before we got there.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Here. You know what? I’ll play it.

[Cut to everybody. Christi takes her guitar out.]

Todd: Come on! You have your own guitar?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yes, I do. Alright, let’s sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Apples, apples

Come on, Todd! Sing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, I’m mad and my guitar’s gone and my pick.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: You did that, Todd. Not us.

[Cut to everybody]

Christi: Now, come on everybody.

Everybody: Apples, apples
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying
in the usual way

Christi: Come on, Todd!

[Cut to Todd. He is angry but he’s nodding his head on the song.]

[Todd joins the song]

Don: There he is.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: In the usual way,
in the usual way

[Todd starts dancing]

[cheers and applause]

2020 Democratic Debate

Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong

[Starts with MSNBC intro]

Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.

[Cut to the MSNBC debate set]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?

[Cut to the people competing]

Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.

[Cut to Rachel Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[Cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I have to do what?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory  about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.

[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance]

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.

[Cut to the speakers]

Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.

CNN Equality Town Hall Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Daniel… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julian Castro… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

Announcer: One stage, no room. Last one standing gets the oh, so, illusive – a CNN Town Hall Equality America with Anderson Cooper.

[Cut to the stage of CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper. This Town Hall will discuss issues affecting our community. LGBTQ and girls to make pride about them. And since we’ll never do this again, we’re going to go all-out. So, to help us announce the candidates, it’s Billy Porter from “Pose”.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

[Cheers and applause]

Billy Porter: Hello! Hello. Yes. Hello, Anderson. Category is Vanderbilt Dynasty, news realness.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper and Billy Porter]

Anderson Cooper: Yes, god. Now Billy, please introduce our first candidate.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Okay. Yes, he may live in the projects, but ladies, he ain’t no project. It’s Cory Booker.

[Cory Booker walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you for being here senator Booker.

Cory Booker: My girlfriend was in ‘rent’ so yeah, I get it.

Anderson Cooper: First question.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi senator. My question is, have you always been supportive of the gay community?

[Cut to split screen. Cory Booker on left and Aidy Bryant on right]

Cory Booker: Absolutely, yes. I have nothing but respect since day one.

Aidy Bryant: But in 1992–

Cory Booker: Uh-oh.

Aidy Bryant: –you published an op-ed where you said some very derogatory things about the gay community.

Cory Booker: Now, I don’t want to think– I don’t want you to think I’m dodging the question. So I’m going to go now.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Our next candidate is playing with a home field advantage.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes! Representing the house of Booty-gig, it’s mayor Pete!

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you, thank you very much. I went to Harvard, but they don’t teach you where to put your arms.

Anderson Cooper: Our next question comes from Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah. How do you respond to those who say you’re not gay in the right way?

[Cut to split screen. Pete Buttigieg at left and Daniel at right.]

Pete Buttigieg: You know, I’ve heard that. But there’s no wrong way to be gay. Unless you’re Ellen this week.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Any other questions?

Pete Buttigieg: And actually, Anderson, I have one . [Cut to Pete Buttigieg] Why am I not winning this? I’m a veteran, under the legal retirement age and when I talk it makes sense. Is something wrong with me.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No- no. You’re great guy, just like, as a friend, not for president.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. \
Anderson Cooper: Can I call you an Uber?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh no. I drove.

[Buttigieg leaves]

Anderson Cooper: Well, I hope you didn’t fill up on snacks, because now it’s time for the meat and potatoes.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Warrening – warrening— the sentator is here! She’s got a plan for the future! It’s Elizabeth Warren!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren getting in to the stage]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you, Billy. Thank you, Anderson. I am so excited to be here. I had some apples slices backstage and they’re hitting me like cocaine! You know, I am not a lesbian, but all the ingredients are there. Let’s go.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Who would like to ask a question?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: So, senator, let’s say you’ve been on the campaign trial.

[Cut to split screen. Elizabeth Warren at left and Beck Bennett at right]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I have.

Beck Bennett: How would you respond if someone said to you, “I’m old-fashioned and my faith teaches me that marriage is between one man and one woman?”

Elizabeth Warren:  Look, well, I’m going to assume it’s a guy asking.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Oh, snap! The library is open, and you about to get read!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: I would say, sir, tell me your bus stop, because I want to know where you get off. What else? What else? If someone doesn’t want to serve gay people at their small business I bet that’s not the only thing that’s small. And when people say, gay and in France, people shouldn’t be included in civil rights protections. Well, I wish their parents had used protection.

[Music starts palying and Elizabeth Warren starts dancing]

[Elizabeth Warren opens her wig while dancing. She is bald.]

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yea, yea! Work it out, work it out! And now from the house of urban deliciousness, it’s Julian Castro.

[Cut to Julian Castro walks to the stage and stands beside Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Julian Castro: So happy to be here, and look, I even got a participation ribbon. Now, come on. Cut to the chase. When do the ‘Queer eyes’ guys come out? I want to go rock climbing with Karamo.

Anderson Cooper: This isn’t “Queer Eye” senator.

Julian Castro: Actually it’s secretary.

Anderson Cooper: I wouldn’t tell people that. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: My question is if elected what will you do to bring queer voices to your cabinet?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: Well, first of all, gracias. As a democrat, I want to apologize for not being gay, but I promise to do better in the future. However, I am Latino, which we can all agree is something. Look, I’m young. I’m diverse. I’m Latinobama. Let’s get the hashtag going #latinobama. Please.

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: All right. Anything else you’d like to say?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: You know there was once another man who left his mark on this nation’s history, but he never became president. Hoe how so?

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Really?

Julian Castro: Come on!

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, secretary.

Julian Castro: Remember to vote for me for vice president. I mean president.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes, yes, yes! And now, the Delaware daddy who’s only vice is the Choo Choo Train! It’s vice president Biden, y’all!

[Cut to Joe Biden walks in and stands beside Anderson]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hi, Anderson. Good to see you. I am so excited to be here.

Anderson Cooper: [Pushing Joe Biden slightly away from himself] Too close, Mr. Vice President. Too close. How are you tonight?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad we’re doing this. The vast majority of people in America are not homophobic. They’re just scared of gay people.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: That’s what homophobic means, Joe.

Joe Biden: Look, you know me. I believe we’re all equal, whether you’re gay, lesbie, transgender or queer, you’re okay with Joe.

Anderson Cooper: I’m going to give you a second to reset and go to an audience question.

[Cut to split screen. Joe Biden at left and Bowen Yang at right]

Bowen Yang: Hi, Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Oh, look at you. If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Bowen Yang: Sure. Mr. Vice President, how can you defend your past support of don’t ask, don’t tell?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad you asked that question and let me answer by telling you a false memory. Now, the year was 19 [thinking] 26, and I was in Downtown Dover with my father. And we see two very well dressed men, very well dressed men. You know what I mean by well dressed? [Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson] Right? Anyway, who’s nervous about this story? Show of hands.

[Cut to everybody raising their hands]

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: We’re all nervous, Joe.

Joe Biden: Then I’ll keep going, [Cut to Joe Biden] and these men turned the corner and kissed. And I turned to my daddy and said, “What the huh?” And he said, “Baby, they were born this way.” And that was Delaware 19 Clickity Clack.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Okay, Joe. Thank you for being here.

Joe Biden: And thank you for everyone that played tonight but we all know I’m your guy. So in closing, [Joe Biden walks close to Anderson] ever been kissed by a VP before? [Joe Biden kisses Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: I think we’re done here. And –

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Woody Harrelson’s Fashionista Monologue – SNL

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

[Woody Herrelson walks to the stage]

Woody Herrelson: Thank you. Thank you very much. What an honor to be here on this stage hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] Now. I’ve been working for a long time and I’d like to tell you I’m the same old Woody you know and love. But never before in 34 years since the mantle of fame was thrust upon these overbroad shoulders. If I’d been what I am now, a fashionista. [Cheers] I mean look at me. [A cover page of Esquire magazine appears. Woody Harrelson is on the cover page.] I’m a darn damn cover boy.

The best dressed list is new territory for me. I’ve been on the worst dressed list many times and for good reason. You know I never, I never used to think about what I wore. I guess I was anti-fashion because it always seemed to me there were more important things to focus on. The ice is melting. The Amazon is burning. Our water, food and air polluted. But now that I’m a fashionista all that’s forgotten. Because now I care about one thing and one thing only, looking good.

So I asked my buddy Dapper Dan to realize my dream of the ultimate in evening wear. And I am not talking about this tux by the way.

[Woody starts to open his tuxedo. He’s wearing a pajamas inside.]

[Cheers and applause]

Pajamas. Their time has come. Now, I’ve been an actor for a long time. I usually play murderers or the people they murder. So, I’m used to saying other people’s words. You know, I’ll even do it later in the show. You’ll see. But the monologue is the only time I’m speaking for myself. Now writers have kept offering to help me to make sure I don’t say the wrong things. But as a fashion icon, I’m poised. I don’t wear the wrong thing and I don’t say the wrong thing. [Laughter] I mean I weren’t born yesterday. I didn’t just get off the boat. Oh cheese, it’s ironic. You know, that sounds like I’m slandering immigrants. I’m not. You know I think immigrants make this country great.

[Cheers and applause]

But let’s face it, most of them, they don’t come by boat anymore. I mean they just walk right in. Right? I mean we see that every day on the news. I mean, well, Fox News anyway. Oh jeez. You know, if what I just said offended Fox News viewers I apologize. And if I heard the one Fox viewer who is also an immigrant, well, I apologize to you Madam First Lady.

[Applause]

She is an immigrant. You know, a white immigrant. But I guess that still counts. You know, but I don’t know why they’re worried about Mexico because the Chinese are taking over everything. They took over my whole house. My wife’s Asian, my daughters are Asian. And I can say this, because I’m Asian. Cauc-asian.

[Laughter]

You know me. I’m straightforward. I don’t pussyfoot around. Oh my God. I didn’t mean to say pussyfoot. I misspoke there. And if I hurt anyone who has pussy feet, I apologize to you people. No, no, I didn’t mean to say you people. I just was making it worse. Okay, so maybe let’s just skip ahead. Yeah. Next card. Next one. Keep going. Well thank God I didn’t say that. You know what? Just drop all the cards, okay?  All right. We have a great show tonight. Billy Eilish is here.

[Cheers and applause]

If you choose to stick around. We’ll be right back.

Roadside Museum – SNL

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Joanne Batting … Cecily STrong

Reese … Woody Harrelson

Linette … Aidy Bryant

P Ryan … Mikey Day

Huntington Booth … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Sun’s Out Nevada intro]

Announcer: You’re tuned in to Sun’s Out Nevada. Thank you, guys.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Kyle Mooney in their set]

Heidi Gardner: Welcome back. Weather and traffic are just ahead. Spoiler alert – there’s neither.

Kyle Mooney: And later, author Dav Pilkey joins us to chat about his new children’s book, “Captain Underpants: Rise of Hershey Squirt”. Excited to pick his brain.

Heidi Gardner: But first, time for “Jo on the Go” with our roving reporter Joanne Batting who live on interstate 15 with her yummiest scoop yet.

[Cut to Joanne Batting]

Joanne Batting: Thanks, guys. Well, in between Los Angeles and Las Vegas, a new attraction will offer road trippers a cheesy photo op. The world’s biggest Cheeto Museum has it’s grand opening today. And I am here now with the proud owners, the hotter family.

[Hotter family joins Joanne Batting]

Reese, Linette, and their son P Ryan. Congrats on your big day. Now Reese, you first had the idea for all this five years ago. How does it feel to look at that gigantic Cheeto today? Besides hungry.

[Reese laughing]

Reese: Well, you’re quick. That’s why you’re on TV and I own the Cheeto. Anyway, it’s a dream come true. It took a lot of work. And our entire savings to buy the Cheeto and build the museum. But today I think it’s safe to say it was worth it. Right, sweetheart?

Linette: Sure.

Joanne Batting: Lynette, are you as excited as your husband?

Linette: No.

Joanne Batting: Now, P. Ryan, I got to ask. How do you keep from eating this thing?

P Ryan: I actually get that question a lot. And I always say, you know, I wonder if they ask people who work at the Louvre if they want to eat the Mona Lisa. You know?

Joanne Batting: Well, no, because it’s a painting and not a giant Cheeto.

P Ryan: Right. Yeah. But it’s kind of the same thing.

Joanne Batting: It’s not. But later on, the Cheeto will be measured by this judge [Huntington Booth joins Joanne Batting] from the Guinness book of world records, Mr. Huntington Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Huntington Booth. And I must say this Cheeto is spectacular. I once saw a 40 foot hot dog that took my breath away. And I am getting a very similar feeling from Cheeto.

Joanne Batting: Exciting stuff. Okay, we’ll see you soon for the official measurement, Mr. Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Booth.

[Huntington Booth storms out]

Joanne Batting: Well, it’s almost 9 o’clock. Is it time to officially open the museum for the fist time?

Reese: It sure is. Oh, boy. Son, you want to turn on the fan?

P Ryan: Yes. All right. Fans are on, dad.

Reese: Ladies and germs, the world’s biggest Cheeto museum is officially open for business. God bless you, Cheeto. I love you. Whoo!

[The giant cheeto bursts out because it fell into the fan]

[The screen is smoky because of cheetos dust]

[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Uh, a little hiccup over at the world’s biggest Cheeto museum.

Heidi Gardner: Everything okay there, Joe?

[Cut to Joanne and Hotter family]

Joanne Batting: Yeah, everyone’s okay. Except for the cheeto which fell into the fan. Well, we were supposed to take the Guinness world record measurement here. That still happening?

[Moving to Huntington Booth]

Huntington Booth: No.

Joanne Batting: Right! Well, not the best grand opening. How you doing Reese?

Reese: Bad.

Joanne Batting: Mm-hmm. Do you have any sort of backup plan?

Reese: No, we were all in the Cheeto.

P Ryan: I just want to say that all new businesses go through growing pains and I actually think this Cheeto can be fixed.

Joanne Batting: Well, it can’t.

P Ryan: I still think people will come on down.

Joanne Batting: They will not. Now, Lynette, what’s next for you?

Linette: Divorce.

Joanne Batting: Makes sense. I would do the same. We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Sun’s Out Nevada outro]

Locker Room – SNL

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Trinity… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with audience cheering in the football ground]

Announcer: And that’s the half.

[Cut to locker room]

Coach: What’s with the chatter, huh? Put your damn phones away. We still have half the game to play.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Coach, it’s 48-3, man. It’s over.

[Cut to coach]

Coach: Hey. You all are Pembroke Corgi Dogs. Corgi Dogs don’t back down from a fight. They bark. Rah, rah, rah, rah! We can still do this. I’ve been through worse and I’ve come out on top.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: You have?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Hell yes. It was my senior year. October 1st, 1979. [Music playing] At the half we were down 77-3. We thought all hope was lost. And I’ll never forget what my coach said.

[Music stops]

[Trinity comes with her eyes closed]

Trinity: Uh-oh, girl coming through don’t be naked. Oh, hey baby.

[Heidi looks at the players]

Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Are you doing the big talk?

Coach: Yeah, baby. I’m doing the big talk. Hey, Corgi Dogs, this is my new wife, Trinity. She’s just passing by.

Trinity: Hi, guys.

Everybody: Hi, miss Trinity.

Trinity: Sorry to interrupt. [Cut to Trinity and Coach] I was just looking for the little metal man with the snickers.

Coach: Yeah. The vending machine’s right down the hall.

Trinity: Okay. All right. I’m gonna bounce. And babe, real quick, is your thing okay?

Coach: What?

Trinity: Your thing. Like your thing.

Coach: Yeah. Trinity, my thing is okay.

Trinity: Okay, but you remember the sound it made?

Coach: Yes, I remember the sound.

Trinity: Is it still making that sound?

Coach: No, it’s fine now.

Trinity: Oh, okay. He back. Well, good luck, you guys. [Cut to everybody] And remember, keep it safe out there. Always helmet to helmet.

Coach: All right. Now, [Cut to Coach] like I was saying, we’ve got to focus on the fundamentals.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Sorry, coach, but I can’t stop thinking about what’s up with your thing?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey[

Kenan: Yeah, coach, what’s up with that thing?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Look, you all don’t need to worry about my thing. Okay? I’ll worry about my thing for all of us. [Music palaying] Because if I know one thing, in my heart of hearts, it’s that these—

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: how did I get back in here?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Miss Trinity, what sound did his thing make?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Oh, it sounded like Mickey Duck.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Mickey Duck? Who’s Mickey Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: You know, not space jam Duck. The Mickey Duck, the one with the fat ass.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: You mean Donald Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Yeah, yeah. It was like … (making sounds]

Coach: Trinity, come on.

Trinity: What? I’m the one who had to push the vein back in.

Players: What?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: Trinity, leave.

Trinity: Okay. Fine. Good luck, you guys. I used to cheer here. Class of ’18.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey confused]

Kenan: Hey, when did you get remarried?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: And how old is she? If you do the math—

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Don’t do the math! Guys—

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Guys, the vein was out?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Enough. I need you to focus. Now, [Music starts] let’s get our heads in the game, our eyes on the prize, and our feet –

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: Okay, hold up. Are y’all following me or am I back in the same room?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Miss Trinity, when you say the vein was out –

[Cut to everybody]

Trinity: I mean it was out. It was like [dancing] mm-mm, and then the top was like folded and then he said call my grandma, she’ll know what to do.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Why would your grandma know what to do, coach?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: She’s known my body the longest.

[Cut to Coach]

Kenan: And with that I quit.

[Kenan leaves]

Coach: Babe, look what you did. Leave. I can’t have you talking to me on the job.

Trinity: Oh, okay. Big man acting tough because his thing’s all in one piece again. Okay, well, don’t come crawling back to me when that thing screams (making sounds) which we know it’s going to happen, and it’s we know it’s going to fall off because we know that’s where it’s headed. Bye guys.

Coach: It’s not going to fall off! All right. Listen. I need you all to stop worrying about my thing and get your heads back in the game. [Music playing] Because if there’s one thing I know—[Quack] You’ve got to keep fighting no matter what.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Coach, I think your thing making that sound.

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: I know. You know what it’s saying? Win. [Quack} Win the game. [Quack, quack, quack]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah! Let’s go. Whoo! Oh, yeah. That’s clean off.

[Players all ready to go]

Coach: Oh, yeah! That’s clean off!

Inside the Beltway – SNL

Denise Craw … Aidy Bryant

Walter Dale… Woody Harrelson

Connie Brasheres … Cecily Strong

Quincy Maddox … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Inside the Beltway intro]

[Cut to Denise Craw in her set]

Denise Craw: Good morning and welcome to Inside The Beltway where we look at what’s happening up in Washington. I’m Denise Craw. Joining me as always are [Cut to Walter Dale] Walter Dale from the Forth Worth Star. From the Dallas Morning News, [Cut to Connie Brasheres] Connie Brasheres. And the chair of [Cut to Quincy Maddox] African-American Studies at Rice University, Quincy Maddox. Wow, [Cut to everybody] it’s been a historic week as the house launched an impeachment inquiry into the president. [Cut to Denise Craw] It’s really shaking Washington up. Hasn’t it, Walter?

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Waler Dale: It sure has. I’ve got to say, this feels like a real turning point in the Trump presidency.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, it’s gratifying to see our system of checks and balances finally working the way it intended.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to everybody]

Denise Craw: Hey.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: Quincy, come on. You have to admit there’s something about this Ukraine story.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, it’s amazing. The American people seem to understand the gravity of it right away.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Yeah. I see that. But ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, I don’t know. It actually seems the president is in real trouble here.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Yeah, you know, Ukraine is likely to be one of many reasons cited in the articles of impeachment. I mean, this is not his first offense. Okay? I mean, remember what happened five months ago. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Inside the Beltway video bumper]

[Cut to a woman giving her speech]

Woman: We believe that no one above the law, including the president of the United States. And we believe that the president of the United States is engaged in a cover-up.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: And there you have it. The full Mueller report is out, and it cites ten instances of obstruction. It’s really shaken Washington up, hasn’t it, Walter?

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: It has. You know, this feels like a real turning point in the Trump presidency.

[Cut to Qunicy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Okay. Wow, I forgot about that last part. But we all must acknowledge that the Mueller report is but one stain on an already tarnished presidency.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: I mean, there’s also the Genueflecting to murderous dictators.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Word.

Connie Brasheres: Calling white supremacists very fine people.

Quincy Maddox: Come on.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: And lying about hush money to cover up an affair. For real? What an adult film star.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, damn!

Walter Dale: And this new story about Trump telling the Russians he didn’t care about election interference.

Quincy Maddox: Oh, snap. Well, if that’s true – ain’t nothing gonna happen.

Walter Dale: Quincy, please. This Ukraine episode is a clear a violation of the oath of office, and there are transcripts.

Quincy Maddox: Uh-oh. Here come the transcripts. Because if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s reading.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: And keep in mind, impeachment gives congress more powers than they previously had. Adam Schiff says, and I quote, “The big club has been brought out”.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, snap. Adam “The Hammer” Schiff said that? Well, that’s all you had to say.

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Walter Dale: Quincy, you know how this works. It happened in Watergate. It can happen again. First they send out the subpoenas.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox listening to Walter eating popcorn]

Then there’s hearings. Quincy. Quincy. Quincy, stop.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: No, no, no. Tell me what’s next.

Walter Dale: Please put down the popcorn.

Quincy Maddox: Okay.

Walter Dale: Thank you. Now, and don’t forget about this whistle-blower who has agreed to testify before congress.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: A whistle-blower? Oh, he going to go missing.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: What?

Quincy Maddox: Nothing.

Walter Dale: Well, unlike you, I have faith in the process. The system might take a while, but it is working.

Quincy Maddox: Oh, it’s working. For Trump. ‘Cause ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Well, Mr. Maddox, in life sometimes people surprise us. Okay? And I think it’s possible that some republicans are about to have a moment of moral clarity.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, you do, do you? Now, let’s roll that clip from 2016.

Denise Craw: Okay. I’m the host.

[Cut to Inside the Beltway video bumper]

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. [Cut to another video of Donald Trump] He’s a war hero ‘cause he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured. Okay? I hate to say. [Cut to another video of Donald Trump] You ought to see this guy. “Oh, I don’t know what to say. Ah!” Grab them by the (beep). You can do anything.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Wow, just appalling. I don’t think I’ve heard any man talk like that.

[Cut to everybody]

Walter Dale: It’s revolting. It feels like a real turning point in the Trump candidacy.

Quincy Maddox: Mm-hmm. He gonna win.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: But I believe – I believe that the arc – I believe that the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice.

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Walter Dale: Hear, hear.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: Well said, Denise.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Well said. Indeed, he gonna win again.

[Cut to everybody]

Denise Craw: Go to commercial. Go to commercial.