2020 Archives - Page 14 of 25 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Let Kids Drink

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a public service announcement.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: [singing] Well, Mother’s day is Sunday

Cecily: Father’s day is in June

Chris: Facts!

Beck: It’s been a hard ass time for families

Aidy: We’re like the animals in the zoo

Chris: Trapped.

Cecily: Parents need some help these days

Mikey: Kids could use some too.

Chris: Help.

Kenan: So given the special circumstance
We’re gonna introduce a special rule

All: Let kids drink

Beck: Just like Mom and Dad

Cecily: If they got a little buzz on,
would it really be that bad?

Chloe: Let kids drink

Chris: Tiny drinks

Chloe: Just a couple sips

Chris: full drinks

Ego: They’ll be happier and funnier
and they’ll fall asleep by 6

Aidy: They used to give kids whiskey
To help them fall asleep

Chris: That’s history

Aidy: So a teeny-tiny Whiteclaw
Is just a babysitter on the cheap

Chris: Economics

Beck: They let kids in France drink wine
A bottle or two a day

Chris: We asked child services
And they said it was okay

All: Let kids drink

Chloe: It’s not like they can drive

Kenan: Except that one kid on the news
Who drove when he was five

All: Just one drink

Chris: One drink

Beck: Two if they’ve been good

Ego: Babies look drunk anyway

Aidy: They burp and puke just like I would

Cecily: Kids are quite resilient
And they always bounce right back

Chris: Bouncy castle

Beck: And it’s not like they’ll get blackout
Drinking half of our six-pack

Chris: Wait, what?

Kenan: They’ve watched us drink a hundred drinks
And smoke a little weed

Chris: Daddy’s medicine

Cecily: So turn that Shirley Temple
into an Ina Garten martini

Kids: Let us drink
It’s really only fair
Like our parents always say
It’s 5 o’-clock somewhere

Josh Gad (Olaf): Give kids drinks
Disney says it’s fine
Wait, what is this?
And now here’s a bedtime story
It’s vodka soda lime

God!

Pete: [to his mom] Let me drink
I hate that I have to ask

Pete’s mom: You can have milk.

Pete: All I want is a drink and a shot
and a little pills and crack

Cecily: Let dogs drink
They’re smarter nicer kids
Once a day let’s fill their bowl
with a cold refreshing spritz

Beck: And let guys drink
guys can drink alone
We can drink alone inside the shed
And say we’re on the phone

Aidy: Beck, are you okay?

Beck: [annoyed] Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just- I’m on the phone!

Little girl: Someone get that guy a drink

Beck: Totally, he gets it.
Let kids drink

All: Let kids drink
Children are the future
and right now the future stinks
Let kids drink
give them booze

Kenan: And behalf of all us parents,
I say kids, cheers to you

Kristen Wiig At-Home Monologue

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Kristen Wiig waking up in her bed.]

Kristen Wiig: What? Me? Host? Now? [smiles] Okay.

[Kristen goes away from camera and comes back in all dressed up in just a second]

Let’s do this.

[music playing]

[Kristen Wiig is dancing in her home.]

You want some biscuits with this tea? [showing her breasts] Let’s start the show.

[Kristen gets on the floor. There are candles everywhere]

I got down on this floor because I wanted to get serious. This is the Mother’s Day show. And at SNL, it’s very special time to celebrate moms. Unfortunately, probably like a lot of you, I can’t be with my mom on this mother’s day. So, I hope it’s okay. I’d like to tell her I love her and send her good luck. She’s in competition over Zoom right now, and mom, I hope you win. She actually sent a picture.

[Cut to a picture of a body building woman with Kristen Wiig’s face.]

[Cut back to Kristen Wiig]

People say we look alike but I don’t see it. You know, I’ve been thinking lately. I don’t know if I truly appreciated my mom the first 45 years of my life. But this year, I’m feeling specially grateful. Her advice, her love, I’m so thankful for all the things she’s taught me preparing me to be a mom myself. Things like breastfeeding. [shows two pieces of chicken breasts] Babies love that chicken. She would always say that.

So, I do want to thank my mom and all the moms out there who have been helping us get through this and who have been there and who are watching over us. We thank you so much. Happy mother’s day. Thank you moms. And thank you, dads.

Now, I would like to finish this off by– It’s actually something kind of sweet. It’s a lullaby that my mom used to sing to me when I was a little baby up until when I was a little girl when I would get scared and– I’d like to sing that for you.

[singing] The moon is out
the stars are out
now close your eyes
now hush, little baby
don’t wait till the morning
don’t make a sound
coz mommy loves you
goodnight.

Aw, my voice. We have a great show for you tonight. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Hair Vlog

PJ Charnt… Kristen Wiig

Nell… Aidy Bryant

Patty… Cecily Strong

Christy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with PJ Charnt taking a video of herself showing her hair.]

PJ Charnt: Hey, it’s me, PJ Charnt. This is my hair vlog where I answe questions and give hair advice, and just inspire you with the beautiful hair I have. Look at it. [phone ringing] Oh, we have our first video caller, all the way from Tucson. And her name is Nell. ‘Sup, Nell.

Nell: I’m sorry. I’m just so excited to meet you. I watch your vlog all the time on the toilet.

PJ Charnt: Aww.

Nell: I don’t know if you can tell, my hair is very flat and it’s kind of very greasy andI just don’t know that I’m doing wrong.

PJ Charnt: Well, why don’t you tell me your daily regimen?

Nell: I wash my hair every day. I use very little conditioner.

PJ Charnt: Well that’s good.

Nell: And I blow dry my hair with a round brush.

PJ Charnt: Good.

Nell: And then I style it with margarine.

PJ Charnt: Wait, what size round brush are you using?

Nell: I knew it. My round brush needs a bigger circumference.

PJ Charnt: Yes, you got it. Anyway, try it out and check in with me next week, okay?

Nell: I will. I wish I could have hair like your’s.

PJ Charnt: You won’t. Bye, Nell. Oh my gosh. I’m getting a text from my hilarious best friend, Patty. She sends the funniest hair gifts. You guys, let’s all watch it together. Warning, if you’ve just had stomach surgery in the last week and you still have stitches, you may not be able to watch how funny this is.

[Cut to a meme]

Patty: Did you think it was funny?

PJ Charnt: Patty!

Patty: Okay, show me exactly what you did when you got it.

PJ Charnt: I went like this. [giggling and showing off her hair.]

Patty: I got to go. Bye.

PJ Charnt: Oh, okay. [phone ringing] We’ve got another video call coming in, this one is from Tucson. It says here their name is Christy, although I’m told it’s a man.

Christy: Hi, I’m Christy. So, PJ, I’m a house painter. And i have the biggest Zoom interview of my life this afternoon. It’s to paint the exterior of Caesar’s palace. And I want to look my best, bu tI can’t get my normal blow-out.

PJ Charnt: You’re in a pickle.

Christy: I’m in a jar of pickles. Help me, PJ Charnt.

PJ Charnt: Christy, do you have a car with a sunroof, a can of quick hold hair spray, a large-toothed comb and long legs?

Christy: PJ, you’re genius. I know exactly what to do. I’ll see you later. [showing his blow dtyer and car keys.]

PJ Charnt: Bye. [message notification] Oh! Patty sent me another text. Guys, it’s going to be another hair-larious hair gif. Again, if you’ve had surgery in the last week and you have stitches, I don’t think you should watch this.

[Cut to a meme.]

Patty: What do you think? He’s blow drying her hair, but her hair is spaghetti. [giggling]

[PJ Charnt isn’t laughing. She looks angry.]

PJ Charnt: I know what it is and I don’t think it’s funny. Pasta as hair isn’t funny. Only hair should always only be hair.

Patty: I’m sorry.

Just think that, Patty, I don’t want to talk to you for like, a really long time.

Patty: But–

PJ Charnt: Anyway, that’s our show. Tune in next week where guess what we’re gonna talk about? And if you want to have hair like mine, you never will. But I’m sure you have other stuff going on.

Eleanor’s House

Eleanor… Aidy Bryant

Richard Carson… Kyle Mooney

Coleen… Heidi Gardner

Burger… Pete Davidson

[Start’s with Eleanor’s House intro]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

[Cut to Eleanor in her home. Her house is very colorful.]

Eleanor: Hi, I’m Eleanor. Welcome back to my house. This is my best friend, Goldie. [pointing at an animated goldfish by her side.]

Goldie: That’s me.

Eleanor: I’m sad today

Goldie: Why?

Eleanor: Because it’s my birthday but I can’t have a party because of this pandemic.

Goldie: You can still have a party. You just have to use your imagination.

Eleanor: Hey, that’s a great idea. An imagination party.

Goldie: Yeah.

Eleanor: Can you help me? Let’s close our eyes and imagine. [doorbell ringing] Oh, that must be our first party guest.]

[There’s a animated purple dot at the door]

Dog: Hello and happy birthday Eleanor.

Eleanor: Oh, thank you, purple dog.

Dog: This is such a fun party. Would you mind if I invited a friend?

Eleanor: Of course, the more the merrier.

[doorbell ringing. There’s animated ice cream at the door]

Ice cream: Great party. It’s cool if I invite a friend, right?

Eleanor: Of course. Who is it?

Ice cream: Oh, it’s my buddy from out of town. Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Um, sure.

[Richard Carson walks in]

Richard: Hey there, happy birthday sweetheart. I’m Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Oh, hello. I’m Eleanor.

Richard: My wife Coleen’s in the car changing. But don’t worry. She’ll be here in a second.

[Coleen walks in the door.]

Coleen: Richie, I can’t find my other shoe.

Dog: Eleanor, shall we have some cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Yes, you know, we can imagine any kind of cake we want.

Goldie: Like a big cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Even the biggest cake in the world.

[Suddenly, there are a lot of people in Eleanor’s party. Richard and Coleen are making out in the middle of the room.]

Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, who are all these people?

Richard: These are our Michigan friends.

Coleen: We met them ATVing.

Eleanor: We need to stop inviting people.

Richard: Hey, it’s a party. Relax. You know, my friend really wants to meet you. He thinks you’re pretty.

Eleanor: [blushing] Oh, okay.

[Burger walks to Eleanor]

Burger: Hey, I’m Burger. Thanks for having us over.

Eleanor: Oh, sure. Hey. I mean, it’s not big deal. I like to hang out.

Burger: Yeah. I could tell. What do you think about some same room sex later?

Eleanor: What?

Burger: Richard and Coleen going at it and you and I going to town, but like, all in the same room so people could sneak peek.

Eleanor: No, thank you. [walks to Ice Cream] Hey, what’s going on with your friend Richard Carson?

Ice Cream: What? He’s cool. He’s from Vegas.

Eleanor: Well, he needs to get the [bleep] out of my house.

[Two policemen walk in]

Police: Alright, party’s over.

Richard: Hey, I know my rights. I got a note from my doctor saying that I can’t drive sober.

Coleen: Seriously, if he doesn’t party, he dies.

[Richard tries to punch the policemen. He gets tasered.]

Stop it! You’re going to kill him.

Police: [to Eleanor] Ma’am. You need to get your life together.

Eleanor: Yes, yes. Thank you. I will. This always happens. I’m sorry. [everyone leaves] Well, see you next time on Eleanor’s house. [waving]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

Dreams

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Cecily in her bed speaking on the phone]

Cecily: No, mom, I know. I’m glad everyone’s home safe. I just miss things the way they used to be, you know. It’s like the city’s right outside my window but– I know. I know. Okay. I love you too. Bye.

[Cecily hangs up the phone and sleeps]

[Cut to people dreaming of themselves in a busy streets of the city. They’re all enjoying normal life. They’re eating, looking at the crowd, feeding the dogs in the park, etc.]

[Cecily wakes up. There’s a slice of pizza beside her on her bed. Her dog is looking at the pizza.]

Oh, no, you don’t want this. This is a dream pizza. [Dog drools on pizza] Okay.

Digital Exclusive- Message to the Girls

Aiden… Aidy Bryant

Kurt… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video bumper]

Female voice: A message to the girls from the goys.

[Cut to two guys]

Aiden: What the hell is up, girls? It’s your boys, Aiden..

Kurt: And Kurt. Tonight is the best night of your life, Prom. Or at least it was.

Aiden: We should be in a hotel ball room right now making you feel like a queen.

Kurt: But unfortunately for cupid, prom got canceled coz of the Qdoba virus.

Aiden: Since we can’t be there to shower you in admirances, we thought we’d take you to prom in your fantasy.

Kurt: And tell you what would have gone down if we were there to put it down.

Aiden: 6 PM.

Kurt: Pictures. First up, I will show up 30 minutes early with my entire family.

Aiden: I will present you with a refrigerated corsage made entirely of 100% baby’s breath. That’s the breath of a baby, girl.

Kurt: I will rent a tux from a Halloween website.

Aiden: We can take 3,000 pictures next to your neighbor’s fancy shrub and my hands, they’re gonna sweat so much that the back of your dress is gonna change color, girl.

Kurt: 6:45.

Aiden: Limo time.

Kurt: I will pay for my whole portion of limo and half of your’s.

Aiden: I of course will sit front where there’s a seatbelt and I will chat with the driver. It seems like it would be hard to drive around the corners with the limo.

Kurt: 7:23.

Aiden: We enter the dance.

Kurt: You walk off to be with and talk to girls. I will be with my guys. Twice through the night, I will approach you and then leave.

Aiden: Mr. Chadman said we’d make a great pair. I don’t know if you’ve heard that but it’s actually something to think about.

Kurt: Our prom is at the Aviation Museum. I was actually on the committee to help select a theme. WWII.

Aiden: And ooh, girl. If we were at prom, we’d dance like this. [dancing]

Kurt: And like this.

Aiden: Probably some of this.

Kurt: And of course, this. [dabs]

Aiden: 10:15.

Kurt: Make out time. When it’s time to kiss, I’ll become distant and sweaty like a first time bank robber.

Aiden: I will have so many altoids throughout the night, you will feel my breath in your eyes.

Kurt: I will close my eyes and fully miss your mouth.

Aiden: I’ll start things off easy by sucking your tongue just the way you like it, girl.

Kurt: At the end of the night, I will pay my friend Chris to give me a hickey.

Aiden: I can’t wait to take you home, to your house. And then I of course will go to my house and explode.

Both: I love you, Brigitte.

Video message: To the graduating class of 2020, from all of us at SNL: Girl, you’re a queen.

Dad Prank Video

Ted… Mikey Day

Boss… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a kid making a YouTube video.]

Brandon: What’s up, YouTube. It’s your boy, Brandon. So, I have a corny ass dad.

[He shoots his dad with an airgun.]

Ted: Ouch! Brandon?

Brandon: So, I’ve been pranking him during quarantine, and here are my favorite ones.

[Brandon is putting draw pins on the toilet seat.]

Oh, this is gonna hurt so bad. Put thumb tacks oh his toilet seat.

[Cut to Ted getting in the toilet. He takes the seat. He jumps off and drops his phone.]

Ted: Ah! My phone. Of course, it cracked. Of course, it cracked. [He kneels down to get the pins out of his butt.] Okay. [grunting] More. More. Why so many? Why so many? I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding. And there’s like, four in the toilet. Wonderful.

Brandon: Changed dad’s every contact’s name in his phone to Gigi Hadid.

Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. [phone ringing] Dad, it’s Gigi Hadid.

Ted: [yelling] You’re laughing and it’s my work. I don’t know who to call because I don’t know their numbers. They all say Gigi Hadid.

Brandon: Why do you hate Gigi Hadid?

Ted: Brandon, I don’t hate Gigi Hadid. I wish her the best.

Brandon: Why do you hate women?

Ted: I don’t hate women.

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Bruh. these jump scares tho.

[He puts a scary doll in the cupboard. When his dad opens the cupboard, he gets scared and bumps his head.]

[Cut to Ted coming to wake Brandon up.]

Ted: Brandon, wake up. Remote school time. Just because– [When dad takes the blanket off, his son is wearing a scary mask, so he gets scared and jumps away. He falls hard.]

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Changed his Zoom background before a meeting with his boss.

[Cut to Ted and his boss on Zoom. Ted’s background is a girl in her bikini at the beach.]

Boss: Um, Ted. You mind telling me why your zoom background is a picture of my teenage daughter in a bathing suit?

Ted: I have no idea, Pat.

Boss: Shut up.

Ted: Brandon! I don’t want that there. [pointing at the background]

Boss: Get your finger off of her. Don’t you touch her. You don’t touch her.

Brandon: Thanks for watching. Peace.

Another MasterClass Quarantine Edition

Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

John Mulaney… Melissa Villasenor

[Starts with MasterClass intro]

Male voice: MasterClass Quarantine Edition is back with even more classes from your favorite famous people. Classes like, Phoebe Waller-Bridge teaches journaling.

Chloe: Hello, you cheeky little birds. I don’t know why I said that. I’m Chloe. And since this started, I have won two Emmy’s. No, I haven’t. But I might.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

I keep all sorts of journals. One for violent female rage. Oh, I agree. [showing a journal] And this one is full of my naughty little secrets. [trying to open it] It’s a bit sticky. Can’t open it.

[Break message reads “Get inside her mind.”]

Even if you’re not writing anything, you can look up from your journal with a cheeky little grin and play mind games with your partner. Oh! I know.

You can find inspiration anywhere. Like, your twerty little neighbor.

[talking to neighbor] Oh, hello. [talking to the camera] She hates me.

[reading her journal] Ha-ha-ha. I can’t believe I said that.

It was a cheesy, drippy, slutty little tart of the pizza. I’m Chloe and this is my MasterClass. Fancy!

Male voice: And John Mulaney teaches suits.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

Melissa: Okay, that will be all. Oh, hello there. I’m standup comedian John Mulaney. And this is my MasterClass on how to master [holds his tie] class.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

This suit is ideal if the vibe you’re going for is precocious kids who is asking all the wrong questions at this funeral.

[Break message reads “You’ll never stop learning.”]

You’re gonna have to decide whether you’re the type of person that’s gonna button up or button down. But I have to button up because I have no chest hair.

[Break message reads “Get the tricks of the trade.”]

Don’t you even think about leaving your tie loose. Tuck that in. Don’t be a monster. Oh, you’re looking sharp, John. And now you’re ready to hang out in your house coz we have nowhere to go.

[Break message reads “Pursue your passion.”]

Go, apply for the job and tell me thanks when you get it.

Male voice: And of course, Britney Spears teaches something.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her home]

Britney Spears: I’ve been in quarantine for five years now. And that’s okay because all my favorite stuff is here.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

[singing] Oops, I burned my gym down. So now, I exercise outside. When I’m looking for a creative outlet, sometimes I’ll paint, sometimes I’ll post. And I’m skinny as a needle. My loneliness is literally saving me.

The thing that helps me most in quarantine is being rich.

[Break message reads “We paid her too much for this.”]

During this time of Corona disease, we have to stay safe. My prayer is with you. I’m Britney Spears and this is my Master School.

Male voice: MasterClass, Quarantine Edition.

Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of Whiskers R’ We store.]

[Cut to Kate in her home]

Barbara DeDrew: Cats. A cat is a smile with hair. A cat is a friend who can’t stand up. A cat is a friend who has babies in your hamper. Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew, owner and proprieter of Whiskers R’ We, cat rescue, now online, coz when you’re in quarantine, everyday is Caturday. [giggling]

Since the lockdown, people have been adopting cats at a record rate, meaning the only ones left are real bottom of the barrel nobodies. Let’s meet today’s fee line up.