Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson
Mikayla… Chloe Fineman
[Starts with officials holding a meeting at the president’s office]
Kenan: Mr. President the situation in Ukraine is growing tension by the hour. Putin has amassed over hundredthousand troops at the border.
Ego: We’re even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded. But those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired. So, take it with a grain of salt.
Ego: What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?
Kenan: Well, every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany. They’re staying out of it.
Joe Biden: Oh, man. Germany doesn’t want to go to war. You know, it’s bad.
Alex: Sir, if I may, Russia’s military presence may be the least of our problems.
Ego: We’ve been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine. And there are some lies, Ukrainians don’t know what to believe anymore.
Joe Biden: Russia tried that during our last election too. But it didn’t work.
Kenan: Well, 40% of Americans think you lost the election. So, it kinda did.
Alex: Take a look at these posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook. [They’re reading news headlines] Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops.
Ego: Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug.
Alex: Ukrainian president horny for drama, wants war: “Slap me harder, Daddy.”
Joe Biden: I’m gonna break my New Year’s resolution and say it. Malarkey!
Ego: They’re also bringing our country into it. American CDC strongly recommends Russia invade Ukraine.
Kenan: Wait, didn’t the CDC really recommend that?
Joe Biden: For a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.
Alex: There was also this. Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrender.
Ego: And this one’s unbelievable. Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of love? 100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you, at soldiersonly.com.
Joe Biden: My god. I mean, it is a good idea for a website.
Alex: They’re even turning our most beloved heroes against us. I don’t always get invaded but when I do I prefer Russia.
Ego: Not to mention this. Why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away? Nothing is sacred to them. Not even guy checking out hot girl.
Alex: And it’s not only meme sir. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok?
[Cut to a tiktok where two guys are dressed Russian and Ukrainian army and dancing together]
Joe Biden: What the hell was that?
Alex: Sir, it’s a video with 8.7 million views.
Joe Biden: No, no, I mean, what the hell was that dancing? Choreography wasn’t even crisp. Gonna log in and flame those guys in the comments.
Ego: Unfortunately, Mr. President, this goes beyond social media. Look at this commercial that’s airing on Ukrainian MTV.
[Cut to a made up video]
Kyle: I can’t take it anymore, Bae. I’m a typical Ukrainian teenager and I have no hope for my future.
Kate: Tell me about its years. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.
Kyle: Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!
Kate: That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away, mining arsenic and potash. And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to the end.
Kyle: But Russia is too popular. We’ll never get in.
Kate: You’re right. If only Russia could come to us.
Female voice: Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Cuz Russia can get it Periodt.
Joe Biden: That’s ridiculous. Now which one of those two was Zendaya?
Alex: Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television. I mean, look at this one.
[Cut to another commercial]
Pete: Oh, no. I am American ball toss player Aaron Rodgers. And my car is broken down in Ukraine. Only one thing to do, like a good neighbor. Russia is there.
Chris: Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?
Pete: Jay from Russia? Can you get me out of this Ukraine?
Chris: Of course, I will take you to meet our president. He would love to see a Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while.
Pete and Chris: [singing] Like a good neighbor, you are there, Russia.
Pete: Yes, there we go.
Joe Biden: Wait. So, you’re telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe that’s the real Aaron Rodgers.
Kenan: Apparently, that is the real Aaron Rodgers. I guess he left the Packers to play for Russia.
Joe Biden: So, what can we do to fight back against all these propaganda.
Ego: Well, we have to fight fire with fire. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to our new Secretary of Defense, Mikayla.
[Mikayla walks in]
Mikayla: Hi. I’m Mikayla, spelled the worst way. I a junior at a vicious Girls High School and y’all work for me now.
Joe Biden: Oh, hold on, hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.
Mikayla: Ahem-ahem. They do and it’s rough. Look at what your agents made. “I like democracy then. Then don’t side with me, I’m Russia?”
Kenan: Oh my god. That’s choogy.
Mikayla: Facts, literally facts. I know. The only thing more pathetic was our attempt at TikTok.
[Cut to a TikTok video of a woman who doing 2021 to 2022 transformation.]
Kenan: What does that even mean? Almost looks like if Russia invades it will turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.
Joe Biden: Let’s just do something fun and simple that everyone can get by. Like a drone strike.
Mikayla: Okay, okay, Mr. President, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine. Like, we don’t believe in drone strikes. We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically. That’s why I’m gonna DM Putin and say, “Oh my god, I loved your outfit the other day. Was that Old Navy?” Already, he’s spiraling. He’s all like, “Do they think I’m poor?” In three weeks he will have completely lost his mind.
Joe Biden: You done this before?
Mikayla: Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.