SNL Tonight

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial Cold Open

Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon

Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant

Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner

Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson

Tasha… Ego Nwodem

Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor

Jamal… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.

[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]

Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.

Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.

Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.

Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?

Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.

Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?

Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.

Judge: Oh, word?

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.

Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?

Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?

[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]

Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.

Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.

Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?

Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.

[Tasha walks in]

Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?

Leonard Green: Look at this.

Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.

Tasha: Well, who did it then?

Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?

Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.

Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?

Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?

Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.

Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?

Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.

Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?

Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.

Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.

Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?

Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!

Leonard Green: Sophia!

[cut back to the court]

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?

Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?

Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.

Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?

Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.

Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.

[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]

Sophia: Hola. Como estas.

[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.]

[speaking Spanish]

Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.

Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.

Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.

Leonard Green: See? I told you.

Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?

Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jamal walks in the room]

Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.

Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.

Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.

Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.

Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.

[cut back to the court]

Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.

Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.

Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Irish Play

[Starts with announcer on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first preview of “A Storm Within” by acclaimed Irish playwright, Rory McFadden. And as I’m sure you’re aware, there is a penis in the show. Yes, we go there. And it better not end up online. If you post it, you will lose the penis. Okay? So just enjoy it, and then let it go. Also, everyone in the show has COVID. So these are all understudies. They’ve had 30 minutes of rehearsal backstage. We could have canceled tonight, but I’m gonna fight with my husband, so I need to be out of the apartment. Our fight may or may not be about the penis in the show. The penis is also being understudied, so I’m excited to see what that’s like. All right. Without further tattoo, we now present “A Storm Within”. That’s just gonna be good.

Melissa: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Mikey: Is that what you took from that?

[Cecily is crying with a baby in her arms]

Cecily: Line?

Announcer: Aalready? You don’t know your first line?

Cecily: No.

Announcer: It’s “Hush now, baby.”

Cecily: Oh, yeah, yeah. Hush, now, baby. Don’t wake your ma’am. She’s sleeping off drink in the other room again. Nan’s here to take care of— Line?

Announcer: Ya.

Cecily: Nan’s here to take care of ya. Is it the penis now?

Announcer: No, it’s an act two. It needs an hour to prep.

[Selena walks in]

Selena: What are you doing with my baby?

Announcer: What is that accent?

Selena: Sorry, I tried the Irish, that sounds weird. So I just did Australian.

Announcer: No, you’re not doing Australian.

Selena: Oh, I think I am mate.

Announcer: Oh my god. Please stop. Do you at least know your lines?

Selena: Yes. I need a line.

Announcer: I need money for whiskey.

Selena: Sorry. I don’t have any money.

Announcer: No, that’s your line. Just do the play.

Cecily: You saw him again, didn’t you? You always act this way when you see him.

Selena: What’s wrong? Are you afraid to say his name?

Cecily: Of course I’m not afraid. But you say it first. Just to remind me what it is.

Selena: No, you should, since you brought it up.

Cecily: Okay, well then, let’s just both say the same time. 1-2-3.

Selena and Cecily: 4-5.

Announcer: I’m assuming from this back and forth that you both forgot the name? It’s Seamus.

Cecily: Seamus. Oh, yeah. Oh, should we do the kiss now?

Selena: Yes. I could not wait more.

Announcer: No, no. You are mother and daughter. There is no kiss.

Mikey: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Melissa: I know. Think about that baby is gonna grow up.

Selena: Why won’t you give me the money, cow?

Cecily: Wash your mouth.

Announcer: It’s watch.

Cecily: Oh, I’m sorry. Wash your watch. I don’t care if you’re my daughter. I’ll call the police.

Selena: Ma’am, I’d be careful. You’re treading a very thin line.

Announcer: Line.

Cecily: What? Who’s?

Selena: What?

Announcer: What? The word line is your line.

Cecily: Oh.

Cecily and Selena: Line.

Announcer: No, not the both. Just keep going.

[door knocking]

Cecily: Who is that? Is that penis? Seamus?

Selena: Well, only one way to find out.

[Selena runs to a door and opens it]

Announcer: No, not that door. That’s where the dogs are at.

[the dogs run into the stage]

Melissa: Wow. It says here the dogs are understudies too.

Announcer: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to play all of the parts. You’ll know who I’m doing because I’ll be doing all of the voices. [clears throat] Ma’am, I didn’t want you to do this. But you’ve left me no choice. Is that our gun, girl? Yeah mate, I got it from Seamus

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Sorry, I know I’m early, but it’s ready and it needs to be now.

Announcer: What? It’s not supposed to be until act two.

Bowen: Sorry, it has to be now.

Announcer: Well, can you say the line at least?

Bowen: Curse of the Irish, more like blessing. What time is it? Dong o’clock, Ayuga.

Announcer: Okay, those are actually the lines. Just go ahead and show us.

[cut the the audience. They are shocked to see the penis]

Mikey: Wow, they really did go there.

Melissa: I told you.

Inventor Documentary

Taylor Gosh… Selena Gomez

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to American inventors.

[Cut to Taylor Gosh]

Taylor Gosh: The automobile, paper cup, dancing, computer. These were all invented. But who did that and what is their story? We begin with Archie Gizmo, the brilliant inventor of the whoopee cushion.

Archie Gizmo: Well, back in the early 60s. I was just a struggling gag and dinner. And all I had was an early prototype of the cushion? I knew it would be funny to have your boss sit down and a noise come from his butt. But I just couldn’t figure out what noise. No. I couldn’t crack. But then I met her.

[Cut to Aidy dancing]

Miss Dina Beans. I saw her from afar. Her energy was magnetic. Her eyes are endless. And every time she sat down, gas.

[cut to video clips where Aidy farts when she sits]

Taylor Gosh: It was that night he realized the funniest noise that could come out of a butt was a fart.

News anchor: Watch out substitute teachers, don’t sit down. They’re calling it the whoopee cushion and they’re flying off the shelves.

Taylor Gosh: He had a bonafide hits and it didn’t stop there. Dena Beans became his news.

Archie Gizmo: I fell in love with Dina. And she was behind every good idea I ever had. Because you see, she wasn’t just a chronic gas passer. She was also the most viciously, unlucky woman I had ever met.

[Cut to Dina Beans in her kitchen]

Dina Beans: Oh, yum, peanuts?

[whe she opens the bottle, snakes come out of it]

Oh, snakes?

Archie Gizmo: I mean, what the hell could have been going on at the peanut factory for a sealed can to be full of four multicolored, alive, poisonous snakes?

News anchor: Watch out in peanut fans. Maybe it’s time to switch to pecans.

Taylor Gosh: Archie diligently recorded home footage of Dina’s every move. Here, Dina is struck by lightning while shaking someone’s hand.

[cut to a video where Dina is struck by lightning while shaking someone’s hand]

Dina Beans: Hi, Mr. Nice to meet you. [gets struck by lightning]

Archie Gizmo: Boom. That was the hand buzzer. Very next day, hand to God, her eyeballs popped out of her sockets.

[cut to a video of Dina’s eye balls popping out of her head while sneezing]

Dina Beans: Oh, my eyes fell out.

Archie Gizmo: Boom. Googly eyed slinging glasses.

[Dina Beans puts her eye balls back]

Dina Beans: That’s better.

Archie Gizmo: Then lightning got the woman again. This time while taking a piece of gum from a guy.

[cut to a video where Dina is struck by lightning while taking a gum from a guy]

Dina Beans: Tutti Frutti, my favorite– [gets struck by lightning]

Commercial: Electric gum, the gum that bites back.

Taylor Gosh: How this woman did not die between two lightning strikes and a snake attack is between her and God. But Archie’s hit pranks just kept coming.

Archie Gizmo: Dina got struck by lightning almost weekly. While clicking a pin.

Commercial: Electric Shocker, the pen that gives an electric shock.

Archie Gizmo: Sitting down.

Commercial: Electric whoopee cushion.

Archie Gizmo: She was God’s perfect fool.

Taylor Gosh: Archie became the most famous gag inventor in the world. And it was all thanks to Dina Beans.

Archie Gizmo: We had everything. Money, a house in the hills, late nights with celebrities, the parties and illicit drugs were fun. But none of that mattered to me because Dina was the prize and the greatest gag she ever goofed was marrying a guy like me. I love you Dina Beans.

Dina Beans: Oh, and I love you Archie Gizmo.

Archie Gizmo: Sharke on it? [gives his hand to shake, but he has a shocker in his hand. When she shakes her hand, she gets electric shock]

Intuition

Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

[Starts with Selena and Chris watching movie. They’re alone. Chris is using his phone and Selena notices it.]

Chris: I need a paper towel. [goes to the kitchen] Damn, we all out. I’ma go down to the bodega and get some real quick.

Selena: Right now?

Chris: Yeah, it’s right downstairs. I’ll be right back.

[Chris looks at the mirror and checks himself out before leaving. Selena notices this.]

Devil intuition: Don’t trust him?

Selena: Who said that?

[a devil appears on her left shoulder]

Devil intuition: You did? I’m your tuition.

Selena: No he’s not. [brushes the devil off her shoulder]

Devil intuition: He usually wipes his hands on his pants and now he needs bounty?

Selena: Okay, so where is he?

Devil intuition: [rapping] He by that bitch house

Selena: What?

Devil intuition: By that bitch house

Selena: What does that mean?

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house
That mean your man is creeping

Selena: Oh no.

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house

Selena: Okay, so what am I supposed to do?

Devil intuition: You hack into his Instagram account
to see if he telling the truth?

Selena: How?

Devil intuition: Like this, first you check all of his messages,
comments and DMS, all before he deletes
Once you read all that successfully
track his location, bitch hurry, I say it respectfully
This is the ‘Catch His ass’ recipe

Selena: Okay, so what do you want from me?

Devil intuition: Break is Xbox.

Selena: Okay.

[Selena pulls out his Xbox and throws it out the window. Chris walks in]

Chris: Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? That’s my Xbox.

Selena: I don’t know. I felt like you were cheating or something. I’m sorry.

Chris: Baby, what? Okay, you know what? I’m gonna go out and get my Xbox out in the damn street and we’re going to talk about this. It’s damn paper towels.

[Chris walks out]

Devil intuition: You really think he gonna get a broken next Xbox?

Selena: Go away.

Devil intuition: [rapping] He by that bitch house

Selena: He’s not.

Devil intuition: By that bitch house

Selena: I can see him.

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house

Selena: So what the hell am I supposed to do?

Devil intuition: We need to check all his pocket
and look in his wallet, see if he got numbers for hoes

Selena: Then I look up in the closet
find lipstick on collars and smell for perfumes out his clothes

Smells normal

Devil intuition: Then break his TV.

Selena: Okay.

[Selena kicks the TV and breaks it. Chris walks in.]

Chris: Come on, this can happen every time I leave the damn house.

Selena: I’m sorry. It’s just I’ve dated so many basketball players and celebrities.

Chris: I’m sorry, what now?

Selena: But you’re just not like them. You’re my little Johnny.

Chris: Okay, we’re gonna talk about that nickname.

Selena: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna cool down and meet me in the bedroom.

Chris: [smiling] Okay.

[Selena walks into the room. Her phone starts getting many messages.]

[A devil appears on his left shoulder]

Devil intuition: [rapping] Dude, I think she thinks you cheating
Chris: Who that?

Devil intuition: And then she do that means
that she the one who out there creeping

Chris: Wait, what?

Devil intuition: She probably getting dude nudes

Chris: Nah!

Devil intuition: Getting dude nudes

Chris: For real?

Devil intuition: Getting dude nudes
and all their thingies are bigger than your’s

You gotta handle this carefully,
break in the phone and then check all her history

Chris: Teach me.

Devil intuition: Here’s how you unlock it it quickly
fits type birthday and then social security number
if that don’t work then unlock it by facing
the phone to her face while she’s sleeping 

Chris: Dude, what are you talking about, man? Who would even be texting her?

Devil intuition: I don’t know. LeBron James?

Chris: No! [he kicks the table and breaks it]

Selena: The hell?

Chris: Who you texting this late? Is it LeBron?

Selena: [yelling] It’s my mother.

Chris: [yelling] Well, I didn’t know that. But now I’m too mad, it’s too late to be rational.

Selena: Well, so am I.

Chris: Alright, so what the hell are we gonna do?

[Both devils appear on each of their shoulders]

Devil intuition: Have angry sex
have angry sex
have angry sex

Guidance Counselors

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Barbizar… Bowen Yang

Mrs. barbizar… Ego Nwodim

Ninnie… Selena Gomez

[Starts with Aidy at the stage of college]

Aidy: Okay, seniors give it up for your mascot, Sal the Spooked Horse.

[Sal the spooked horse walks in and jumps around]

[cheers ad applause]

[Sal the spooked horse walks out]

Now, the guidance counselor’s wanted to give some advice before graduation season. So please welcome Mr. And Mrs. Barbizar.

[Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar walk in]

Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar: Hi, hi.

Mrs. Barbizar: Good morning. What an honor to address the old dirty bastard High School Class of 2022.

Mr. Barbizar: We are so proud of you. But a lot of you may be unsure what to do after high school. There are so many career paths.

Mrs. Barbizar: It’s hard to know what you like or what you’re good at.

Mr. Barbizar: So our advice to everyone is…

Mr and Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Get into modeling.

Chris: Sorry, are you saying we should be models after we graduate?

Mrs. Barbizar: Yes, exactly. Model.

Mr. Barbizar: Our advice to students is model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Because in this moment, you’re the youngest you’ll ever be and you just missed it up.

Mr. Barbizar: Yap, maybe it’ll help if an ODB alum comes out and talks about her experience modeling.

Mrs. Barbizar: You guys want that?

Mr. Barbizar: Yeah, you do.

Mrs. Barbizar: Okay, please welcome spokesperson for modeling from the class of 2017, Ninnie Sips.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie.

[Ninnie walks in]

Ninnie: Wow. Thank you so much for having me. When I was in high school, the one thing I wished someone told me was model.

Mr. Barbizar: See?

Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Ninnie: And now I’m proud to say I’m the first person in my family to not go to college.

Mrs. Barbizar: Congratulations. Ninnie, the time has come. Let’s show them how to do 80 poses and five seconds..

Mr. Barbizar: Hit the track. [music playing and all three of them do different poses] Wow, that was amazing.

Mrs. Barbizar: Work!

Ninnie: Any questions?

Chris: Hi. Yeah, I’m really good at math and I really love math. And I always wanted to be an accountant. Do I have to be a model?

Mrs. Barbizar: You don’t have to, but let me ask you this. Do you want to live in Paris or Syracuse?

Ninnie: Do you want to work at H&M or H in our block?

Mr. Barbizar: Do you want to do Leonardo DiCaprio or do taxes with someone named Leon did nothing? How tall are you?

Melissa: 5’6″.

Mr. Barbizar: Keep working on that?

Mrs. Barbizar: Be taller.

Ninnie: You, I like your look. How old are you?

Chloe: 17.

Ninnie: That’s perfect, stay that age forever.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie, let’s show them 100 faces in five seconds. Go.

[music playing and all three of them do different faces]

Wow.

Mrs. Barbizar: That was amazing. That was modeling.

Melissa: Wait, are you guys models? Do you have modeling experience?

Ninnie: Yes. On my flight here, someone was choking and people were asking if there was a model on the plane. So I modeled. And that was the last thing he saw.

Mr. Barbizar: That’s amazing. So what do you say kids? Wanna come with us on model all over the world?

Chloe: Yes!

Kyle: I’m gonna be model.

Melissa: Me too.

Ninnie: Good, so let’s start. Everyone do 10,000 poses in 1 million seconds.

All three: Music.

[music playing]

[all of the students are doing poses]

Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.

Baby Monitor

Gina… Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of friends gathering]

Chris: Dude, your house is sick.

Ego: And you’re sure your parents are gone for the night?

Gina: Oh, totally. It’s their anniversary. So they’ll be fighting in a nice restaurant for the next six hours.

Kyle: That’s so cool.

Chloe: I can’t believe they trust you to be home alone.

Gina: Well, somebody had to watch the twins.

Ego: Wait, the twins?

Gina: Yeah, my baby brother, baby sister. Look, they’re on the baby monitor.

[Cut to video of her brother and sister sleeping. They look too small.]

Chloe: Aww, they’re so sweet.

Ego: I guess I didn’t realize for babysitting.

Chris: Yeah, I thought we were gonna rage tonight.

Gina: No, we could still totally party all night long. On that note, who wants to drink my dad’s beer?

Kyle: Me.

[babies start crying]

Chris: I think babies are up.

Gina: Don’t worry, she’ll bo back to sleep.

Chris: I think she actually just woke up her brother.

[babies crying loudly]

Damg, their eyes are freaky.

Ego: Yeah, looks like when you catch raccoons.

Gina: Guys, come on, let’s focus. Let’s get this party started.

Kyle: Sounds like they’re still crying though.

Chloe: Shouldn’t you go in there and like, comfort them or something?

Gina: How? You’re supposed to like, let themselves sooth.

[babies crying loudly]

Ego: That doesn’t sound like self soothing.

Gina: They’ll be asleep in two seconds. I promise.

Chris: Yeah, I don’t think so. Now they’re doing laps around the crib.

Gina: Oh, that’s good. That will tucker them out.

Chloe: I’m not so sure.

Ego: Yeah, I don’t know how to say this. But it looks like they’re stunting a buck wild.

[the babies are doing backflips]

Gina: I gave them one M&M each before bed,  so they’re loaded with sugar right now.

Ego: Wait, are you allowed to give babies chocolate?

Gina: Yeah, Megan, they’re not dogs. They’re babies. Guys, I thought you wanted a party?

Kyle: We did. But this is definitely more interesting.

Chris: Yeah, looks like they’re fighting.

Gina: Oh, they’re just roughhousing? It’s what siblings do.

Ego: Wait, actually I have a baby brother and sister and I’ve never seen them do that.

[They’re fighting wildly]

Chloe: Oh my god. Do something before her head flies off.

Gina: Oh. Fine. I’ll go give them a piece of bread or something.

Ego: Wait, are babies supposed to eat full pieces of bread?

Chris: I don’t think so. But the babies definitely seem to like it.

Gina: All right, now who wants to focus on getting wasted?

Kyle: Honestly, I don’t want to get drunk anymore. I just want to sit here and watch these babies go hard.

Chris: Wait, what the hell?

[Now there are three babies]

Third baby: Hey, ma.We gotta need bread. Milk! [laughing]This bread is dry.

Ego: Who is that?

Gina: I don’t know. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not.

Chris: That’s not concerning to you?

Gina: No. Now, who wants to chug hand sanitizer and try out my dad’s underwear?

Kyle: None of us.

Chloe: Gina, Why are you acting so crazy?

Ego: Gina, why are you trying to party so hard? These babies need you.

Gina: Look, guys. This might come as a complete shock to you but I’m not a huge party girl. I’ve never even had a sip of alcohol.

Kyle: Yeah, obviously.

Chris: Wait, what? What are you looking at?

[the babies are looking at the baby monitor and laughing]

Chloe: Is that a baby monitor?

[Ego finds a camera turned at them]

Ego: Oh my god. They’re watching us.

A Peek at Pico

Vanessa… Melissa Villsaeñor

Sofia… Selena Gomez

Chad Mitchell… Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Sofia in their show set]

Vanessa: Ay, Welcome to A Peek at Pico, Pico Rivera’s number one public access talk show. I’m Vanessa.

Sofia: I’m Sofia. And on this show, we talk about everything happening in Pico Rivera from the good…

Vanessa: To the bad. So like what do you get into this weekend, chica?

Sofia: I got a new eyeliner.

Vanessa: I was gonna say, I saw that. It looks good.

Sofia: Yeah, well, the eyeliner poked me in the eye.

Vanessa: Aw, that’s sad.

Sofia: Sad. Okay, we gotta go talk to Chad.

Vanessa: Yeah, Chad’s outside right now. Bienvenidos, Chad.

Chad: Hi, yeah, this is Chad Mitchell reporting live from Pico Park. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining. Families have been coming to this park for generations.

Vanessa: That’s good.

Chad: Yes. But city officials…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye, Chad.

Chad: Wait!

Vanessa: Okay, we’re gonna bring out a guest. She hangs out at the library with the books. Bienvenidos, Becca.

[Becca walks in with some books]

Becca: Hi. [cheers and applause] Thanks for having me. I want to clarify, though, that I’m a librarian. I don’t just hang out with books.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s good.

Sofia: Yeah. Because when I heard that, I was like, that’s sad.

Vanessa: Sad. Yeah, so Becca, what’s up with all these books?

Becca: Well, these are some summer reading books we have at the library.

Sofia: Like what?

Becca: Well, this one is the giver.

Vanessa: Damn, what’s that about?

Becca: It’s a book about a society where no one can see colors.

Sofia: That’s sad.

Vanessa: Sad.

Becca: Yes, it is. But then one day…

Vanessa: [interrupting] They can see purple though, right?

Becca: No, they can’t see purple.

Sofia: That’s sad. I love purple.

Vanessa: Oh, do you guys have “Cat in the Hat”? That book is so funny.

Becca: Well, yes, we do have the Cat in the Hat.

Sofia: Oh, that’s good.

Becca: Well, you know we also have…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye Becca.

[Becca leaves]

Sofia: Okay, now we’re gonna go back to Chad.

Vanessa: Yeah, Chad’s outside right now.

Chad: Yeah, actually, you kind of cut me off earlier. See, local news stories usually start with a couple of descriptive sentences to set the scene before transitioning into the actual news story.

Vanessa and Sofia: Oh, okay.

Chad: Okay. So city officials…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye, Chad.

Chad: Seriously?

Sofia: Okay, we got another guest now. He makes music but he doesn’t even sing. He just raps. Bienvenidos, Lil’ Hub Cap.

Lil’ Hub Cap: What’s up? What’s up? What’s up Pico Rivera? It’s your boy Lil’ Hub Cap.

Vanessa: Damn, look at you. So you got an album out or something?

Lil’ Hub Cap: Yeah, my music is inspired by my struggle. See, my dad wasn’t around much. And when he was, he was mean.

Sofia: Hmm, your dad was a bad man.

Lil’ Hub Cap: My dad was Batman?

Sofia: No, not Batman. Your dad was a bad man.

Venessa: Yeah, you had a bad dad. That’s sad. But then you turn your bad dad into rap, that’s good.

Lil’ Hub Cap: Yo, I didn’t catch all that. I’ma just do my song.

Vanessa: You can do right here.

Lil’ Hub Cap: Alright.

[music playing]

[rapping] I grew up with nothing

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s sad.

Lil’ Hub Cap: But now I got it all

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s good

Lil’ Hub Cap: But I still feel like nothing

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s sad

Lil’ Hub Cap: But I’m standing tall

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s good

Lil’ Hub Cap: Hub Cap, skrr skrr

Peace out, y’all.

[cheers and applause]

Rebecca: Wow, that was sad but it made me feel good.

Sofia: Yeah, it’s cathartic.

Rebecca: Cathartic?

Sofia: Yeah.

Rebecca: What’s cathartic?

Sofia: That’s when it’s good to be sad.

Rebecca: Oh, that’s good. Okay, we’re gonna talk to Chad because he’s outside right now. Hey Chad, what’s going on with the park?

Chad: Really? You’re actually going to let me do the story?

Selena: Yeah, we want to know.

Chad: Okay, well, I’m here in Pico park where the sun is shining and the birds are chirping.

Rebecca: Okay, we’re out of time.

Chad: Of course we are.

Vanessa and Sofia: Bye, Chad.

Vanessa: Okay, our show’s over now. Sophia, you can go meet up with your man.

Sofia: Okay. Ai! I poked my eye again.

Vanessa: That’s sad.

Sofia: That’s sad.

Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Jack Rizzoli…..Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Cynthia…..Emma Stone
Co-Op President…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on WXPD News title card ]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ cut to news desk ]
Jack: Good morning, everyone. I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack: Our top story today — residents in an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice from the outside of the building. Veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 71st year with the station, is on the scene. Hello, Herb.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Herb: Hello, Jack.

Jack: Now, tell us, Herb, what is the mood where you are?

Herb: They changed the 8 a.m. service to a Spanish mass, so I’m not doing too well.

Jack: No. No, not your mood, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Not your mood, Herb. I’m asking — how are the residents of that building?

[ cut to Herb outside apartment complex]
Herb: I’ve got some lady. Who’re you?

Cynthia: My name is Cynthia Coralina Ronowitz.

Herb: [ groans ] Pick a name. [ they glare at each other ] Alright, what happened?

[ Herb hits Cynthia on the cheek with microphone ]

Cynthia: Ever since the storm, melting icicles have been falling onto the street. And I was almost hit on my way to work.

Herb: What are you, a cigarette girl?

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone again, pushing her hair into her mouth ]

Cynthia: [ fixing hair ] No. I don’t smoke. Look, this ice is dangerous, and no one is doing anything about it.

Herb: Well, there you have it. You call it a bikini, but I call it too far. Back to you, Jack.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: No, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Herb. Stay on topic, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Stay on topic. You know, ask your source if anyone’s been injured, or something like that.

Herb: Don’t direct me, you tie rack.

[ cut back to Herb and Cynthia ]
[ Herb gestures to wave Jack off ]

Herb: Alright. Hey. Hey. Who’s injured? [ hits Cynthia in the face with microphone ]

Cynthia: [ throws hand up ] No one, thank God. It’s only a matter of time before someone’s hurt, or worse.

Herb: You think this Belafonte kid oughta, you know, pipe down?

[ Herb thrusts microphone at Cynthia, who blocks it with her purse. Microphone rebounds and hits Herb in the face ]

Herb: [ covering mouth ] Got me in the mouth.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Wanda ]
Wanda: Herb. Herb, have residents lodged a formal complaint with the co-op board?

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, this lady.

Wanda: Herb. Herb, ask her.

Herb: Shouldn’t you be changing hotel linens somewhere?

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: No. No, Herb. Herb, Wanda is a respected journalist. Now ask the question.

Herb: Aw, you stink on ice.

[ cut to Herb and Cynthia ]
Cynthia: [ pointing ] Look, our co-op president is right over there. And she has repeatedly ignored our requests. She even sent me a memo telling us not to speak with reporters.

[ camera pans to Co-Op President ]

Co-Op President: [ pointing at camera ] My god, that is slander! I’ve done nothing of the sort!

Herb: Alright, and that’s the news. For G.I. Radio, this is Private Herbie Welch reminding you to keep your socks dry.

Jack: [ off-screen ] No, no, no. No, Herb, do the story.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: Do it. Do the story, please.

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, “do the st…”—alright.

[ cut to Herb at apartment complex ]
Herb: [ reaching towards Co-Op President, waving her over ] Come here. [ grabs Co-Op President’s shoulder and fondles, hand moving up to her face ] Come here. [ puts arm around her shoulder ] Tell me, sir — how’s a fellow like you fit into all this? [ hits in face with mic ]

Co-Op President: I’m a woman.

Herb: Woman, huh? [ takes off glasses ] Let me see.

[ Herb takes microphone and rubs down her chest, then taps each of her breasts repeatedly ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. Herb. Herb.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President in the crotch with microphone repeatedly, winding arm back further each time ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. No, come on. Herb.

[ Herb taps Co-Op President in the crotch quickly, then winds back and hits her like a gong ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] Herb! Aw, man. Come on.

Herb: [ puts glasses back on ] Don’t worry, ma’am. There’s always a life in the church.

Co-Op President: Dinosaur. [ starts hitting Herb with clipboard ]

Herb: Ah, get away from me.

Jack: [ off-screen ] Ah, come on, Herb. Herb!

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Herb: That guy attacked me.

Jack: Well, you know, Herb, maybe it’s time you look into retirement.

Herb: [ pointing at camera ] You talk to me like that again, I’ll have my secretary Amilda fire off a memo.

Jack: No. Amilda’s not your secretary, Herb. She’s your nurse.

Herb: That woman is mean to me.

Jack: Well, I don’t blame her.

Herb: [ rushing the camera ] You son of a — [ starts hitting camera with microphone ]

Jack: Just cut away. Just cut away, please. Okay.

[ cut to news room ]
Jack: As always, we apologize to you in the Hispanic and unattractive communities. Up next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month —

[ someone hands Jack a piece of paper, which he reads briefly ]

Jack: But first, some sad news. We’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Herb, seen here with his protégé Andy Rooney —

[ cut to black and white photograph of Herb Welch hitting Andy Rooney in the face with microphone ]

[ cut back to Jack ]
Jack: — had been in ill health for some time. We go there now.

[ cut to Cynthia and Co-Op President at apartment complex with Herb, who is frozen in a cadaveric spasm ]
Co-Op President: [ speaking into walkie-talkie ] Yeah, can we get a, uh, body removal? We have an elderly dead body.

Herb: [ revives ] Eat mic, Ponzi.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President with microphone. Co-Op President goes down ]

Cynthia: This man is awful —

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone, who goes down as well ]

Herb: [ raising hand ] Herb Welch lives.

[ cut to news room ]
Jack: [ shaking head ] Just terrible.

Wanda: Can’t we fire him?

[ Herb’s hand comes from right off-screen and hits Wanda in the face with microphone ]

Jack: [ gestures at Wanda and laughs ]

[ Herb’s hand comes from left off-screen and hits Jack in the face with microphone ]

Jack: Oh — [ grimaces ]

[ cut to WXPD title card ]

Jill Clayburgh’s Relationships Song

(fade to Jill Clayburgh sitting at Home Base, as a sole piano plays in the background. The spoken parts are upright, the sung parts are in italics.)

 

Jill: When someone comes to your house and tells you this semi-funny story about the first time he ever French kissed,

And you nod real hard all through it to show there’s no little details that you missed,

And you say “that’s hysterical,” three thousand times and you laugh in all the funny places,

And at the serious parts you try to make these…real…serious…faces.

And when he says “you look like you want pizza,” even though you don’t you lie.

And you say

“sure, why not?” when he says “Hey,

You wanna get high?”

 

And when you reach over for the ashtray real casual, you let your breasts brush up against his thigh,
And you make this real cute funny thing out of picking ashes that he dropped off his fly.

And when he wants to watch Baretta and The Philadelphia Stories on channel nine,

You,

To be nice, say, “Baretta? Fine.

Not just fine, perfect!

I was also in a Baretta mood.

I love watching the bodies jerk after the bullets hit them.

That’s my favorite thing, next to food.”

 

And in the next few weeks you’re finding out how stupid his hair looks when he gets out of the shower,

And pretty soon you don’t even have to tell him to please order you a whiskey sour,

And you laugh when he talks like Donald Duck and at jokes that he’s told you before,

And when you’re in the bathroom you stop secretly fearing that he’s going through your underwear drawer.

And you pay all this attention to his big impassioned speech about how they’ve screwed up our air,

And when he’s done, you point to his mouth and say,

“Hey you’ve got something, it’s hanging right there.”

And another thing,

You’ve both confessed you both actually cried at Father Knows Best.

You’re so close, you remember where he left his left glove

And in bed, you find these clever things to say that don’t contain the word “love,”

Like, “because my arm’s asleep, that’s why.”

 

And pretty soon he’s telling you these stories about how lately he’s getting to know his folks,

And you’re telling him that it really truly upsets you that he smokes,

But still one night as you clean up the Chinese food and the Cokes,

It suddenly occurs to you that he doesn’t get ninety percent of your jokes,

And he didn’t call for three whole days when you had that cold,

And he didn’t disagree when you said, “I’m starting to look old,”

And he actually thinks it’s cool to say “ciao” instead of “goodbye,”

And he didn’t even thank you for that hilarious antique tie.

He’s cold, he’s insensitive, immature, the worst you could have found.

And you realize you love him.

Why? ‘Cause he’s around.