Tag: Bobby Moynihan

Movie Night

Mom…Melissa McCarthy

Tommy…Pete Davidson

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]

Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.

Tommy: Mom, you rock.

Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?

Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.

Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.

[Girl moaning sound from the TV]

Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now!

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.

Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.

Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.

Tommy: I love you guys so much.

Dad: Ah, okay kid.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.

Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it!

[Mom claps around and looks at her palm]

Yep! Nice one, Patty!

Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!

Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.

Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!

Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.

[Tommy stands]

Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.

Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?

Tommy: Umm….. yeah.

Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?

[Tommy walks away]

Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.

Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.

[Tommy walks in]

[girl moaning sound]

[Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.

Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?

Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!

Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.

[girl moaning sound]

Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.

Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.

Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys!

[Tommy stands and walks away]

[girl moaning sound]

Mom: She really is getting railed.

Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.

[The End]

Awareness Seminar

Vanessa Bayer

Windle… Adam Driver

Harper… Cecily Strong

Jay Pharoah

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a classroom with the students and adults]

Vanessa: Guys, if I had a remote, I’d be hitting mute. Okay? That’s better. So we’re continuing awareness week today with four speakers who’d like to talk to you about bullying.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: Hey team. I’m Windle. This is Harper. And we’re here to talk to you about a form of mental harassment that we both got mixed up in during high school. Who’s familiar with social puppeteering?

[The students have no clue]

Well, it’s surprising.

Harper: Okay, well in simplest terms, it’s manipulating others for your own amusement. Hijacking someone’s reality to feel powerful.

Windle: Here’s an example of something I did. In the sixth grade, I paid like 80 kids a buck to go up to this kid Nathan and say, “Hey, nice hat.” So, what’s the problem? Nathan wasn’t wearing a hat. If 80 kids say you’re wearing a hat, you start thinking, “Maybe I’m wearing a hat.” And watching him wrestle with that made me feel good. I took the most valuable thing he had, his mind. That’s the idea behind social puppeteering. Any question?

[Cut to the students]

Jay: Yeah. How come we don’t know about this?

Pete: I know. It sounds so fun.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay guys. This shouldn’t sound fun to you, okay? They’re here to tell you how bad it is.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Yeah, absolutely. I mean guys, if you get into this, it will take over your life. I spent thousands of dollars hunting [unintelligible]

[Cut to the students]

Jon: [noting down] Oh, please explain that.

[Cut to Harper]

Harper: Well, I hired day labors to build an enormous replica of his room in an airplane hanger so he woke up in a three storey bed the length of an Olympic swimming pool thinking he’s now half an inch tall. I mean, I went all out. I got the people who made the Jurassic Park dinosaurs to build a giant animatronic daddy long legs he had to fight. Kid peed himself and hid in a giant lego for hours. It was pretty great. Also, wrong.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: It really will ruin your life. My brother doesn’t speak to me because I vampired him. I won’t pour you with the details.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: No, no. Please do.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Well, in a nutshell, I hired this weird Albino dude to bite him and run away. And a week later, I started sprinkling a small amount of molly into his dinner every night. So at night he feels amazing but during the day, he feels a little bombed out because the molly was wearing off. So he started craving the night coz that’s when he got the molly. The night time became his magical time. He was convinced that he was a vampire. He bit our dad.

[Cut to the classroom]

Bobby: Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt but I think I may have been socially puppeteered. [Cut to Bobby] See, I’m not a transfer student. I’m a 37 year old man. Two months ago, what I thought was an elite police squad hired me to pose as a high school student and gather intel about a new drug called Squiff. But I haven’t heard from them since and they definitely haven’t been paying me. So…

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’m started to say it man, but you got 21 Jump Streeted!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wow! I can’t believe it happened to me.

[Cut to Windle]

Windle: It can happen to anyone.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Don’t be a pupet. Learn more at www.stopsocialpuppeteering.org.

[The End]

Super Bowl Greeting

Cam Newton… Kenan Thompson

Peyton Mannnig… Taran Killam

Policemen… Beck Bennett, Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Super Bowl greeting intro]

Male voice: And now, a Super Bowl greeting from Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[Cut to Cam Newton and Peyton Manning sitting and playing the piano]

Cam Newton: Oh, hey there Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Oh, hey Cam.

Cam Newton: You ready for the big game tomorrow?

Peyton Manning: I mean, not physically, but otherwise sure!

Cam Newton: What a special match-up it’s gonna be, huh?

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory
facing off in Super Bowl 50

Cam Newton: The media coverage was interesting this week too.

Peyton Manning: Yeah. I’m just trying to enjoy the whole experience, you know? I’ve been smiling all week, giving people high-fives.

Cam Newton: That sounds great. And when you did that, did they accuse you of show boating and call you a thug?

Peyton Manning: No, not really.

Cam Newton: Hmm, maybe that’s because

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: In the press there’s a real discrepancy

Peyton Manning: Well, I will say I did get a couple of tough questions from reporters too.

Cam Newton: Tough questions?

Peyton Manning: Yes sir.

Cam Newton: Oh, that’s a shame. I got letters from angry mothers in Tennessee because I dance too much.

Peyton Manning: Well, you do celebrate a lot more than me

Cam Newton: Coz I have Bobby5 touchdowns and you have like, three

Peyton Manning: Actually, it was nine.

Cam Newton: In how many interceptions?

Peyton Manning: I don’t think they keep stats on that anymore. Look, white quarterbacks got tough time too, Cam. I mean look at Johnny Manziel. The Browns just released him.

Cam Newton: Yeah, and all he did was get drunk, missed practice and get accuse of assaulting his girlfriend. But he couldn’t do one thing that could save him… win!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: Why would anyone be afraid of me?
I do ads for Greek yogurt and Kids Tv

Peyton Manning: And I hang out with Papa John who’s like way creepy

Cam Newton: Yeah, what is the deal with that Papa John guy anyway?

Peyton Manning: Oh! Do not know man! The other day I walked in on the guy, he was kissing one of his pizzas. And I actually heard him whisper to it, “Let’s get you out those toppings.”

Cam Newton: Oh, damn!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, it was way bad man. Let’s just say that I think he might have lost his mind.

Cam Newton: I caught it. Well, if you do retire, we’re gonna miss you Peyton. You’re one of the greatest of all time.

Peyton Manning: Well, thank you very much Cam. And I know that whatever happens, the game is in very good hands with you. We may not have the same style, but I certainly do like your’s a lot.

Cam Newton: Oh, come on, man!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory
we’re as different as two quarterbacks could be
but there’s one thing we both agree
we are never gonna see that Concussion movie

Peyton Manning: Hey, I want to show you some of your famous moves of your game, huh?

Cam Newton: Alright! Alright!

[Cam Newton stands]

Look at my dab! Look at my dab!

[Two police officers come in]

Beck: Slow down. Hands where I see em’.

Bobby: Hey, you okay Mr. Manning?

Peyton Manning: Gosh, yea, yeah. He was just having fun.

Bobby: Okay, really? Coz earlier we saw him giving young child a large brown gun.

Cam Newton: Ay, man! That was a football.

[Cut to Super Bowl greeting outro]

Male voice: This has been a Super Bowl greeting form Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[The End]

Steam Ship

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Larry David

Kenan Thompson

Donovan … Vanessa Bayer

Bernie Sanders

[Starts with people panicking on a sinking ship]

Taran: We’re going down.

Beck: Evacuate the ship.

Kate: Have mercy on our son.

Bobby: Light the signal.

Larry: Light some.

Kenan: Lower down the life-boats.

Larry: Lower them.

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: What’s that?

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: Really?

Taran: Yes, really.

Larry: Shouldn’t it just be whoever is closest?

Bobby: Load the rations.

Taran: Tie them to the bust.

Kenan: Board the women and children. Save their lives.

Larry: And let’s not forget about the men’s lives.

[Kate gets on the boat with hers on]

That kid, he’s more of a man than I am!

Kenan: Hold on steady.

Bobby: Hold on.

Larry: Check his pants. Check for pubes.

Taran: No! We are absolutely not doing that.

Larry: You’re gonna let me drown but you won’t just do a simple pubes check?

Kenan: Help madam Donovan on to the life boat.

Larry: Her? What are you saving her for? She’s a threat to all of us. Have you gone through menopause, man!

Madam Donovan: That’s none of your business.

Larry: Oh, that answers my question. Sharks are going to be following up from miles if you’ll catch me drift.

Kenan: You suck, sir!

[Another woman and a kid gets on the boat]

Larry: Are you kidding me? That’s not a kid. that’s a midget, I can tell.

Kenan: Not cool.

Larry: I can say it. It’s old in times.

Taran: Alright men. Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.

Larry: Well, okay. I hate to pull this but my father is rich. I come from a wealthy family. Technically, my life is worth more than all of your’s put together. Especially these women and midgets. So if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna pop down in that lifeboat.

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Hold on! Hold on! Wait a second! I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment. Enough is enough. We need to unite and work together. If we’re all going to get through this.

Larry: Sounds like socialism to me.

Bernie Sanders: Democratic socialism.

Larry: Ah! What’s the difference?

Bernie Sanders: Huge difference.

Larry: Yuge?

Bernie Sanders: Huge.

Larry: Yuge with a Y? Who are you?

Bernie Sanders: I am Bernie Sanders Witsky. But we’re gonna change it when we get to America so it doesn’t sound so quite Jewish.

Larry: Yeah, that will trick them.

Taran: Hold on everyone. I’ve got great news. What we crossed into was Liberty Island. We’re in New York. Everyone off the boat!

[everybody cheering]

Bernie Sanders: Look at that!

Larry: Oh, wow! Not bad.

Bernie Sanders: Share a cab?

Larry: Nah! I think we’ve talked enough.

[The End]

Bern Your Enthusiasm

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Jane Sanders… Vanessa Bayer

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Suzan… Cecily

[Starts with public crows at Bernie Sander’s rally. Benie Sanders and Jane Sanders and walking together.]

Jane Sanders: Sweetie, I can’t believe how many people are here.

Benie Sanders: It’s  revolution, Jane. Millions of people. If we have a good turn out, we can win Iowa.

Leslie: Oh my god! Mr. Bernie Sanders. I’m your biggest fan. [coughs on her right palm] And I’m telling you, I’m feeling your Bern! [gives her right hand to shake]

[Benie Sanders doesn’t shake his hand]

Benie Sanders: Ah! That’s okay.

Leslie: Well, what do you mean? Shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: You coughed into your hand, then shake it after a cough.

Leslie: No I didn’t. Just shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: No, no. You specifically coughed in your hand. I saw it.

Leslie: No I didn’t.

Kenan: Come on, Mr. Sanders. Don’t be rude. Shake my wife’s hand.

Benie Sanders: Sir, I am not being rude. She’s the one who is being rude by offering a germ infested hand at me.

Leslie: A germ infested hand? Is that right? I am a voter. That’s that I am. Germ infested person?

Benie Sanders: I am running for president. I do not shake disgusting hands.

Leslie: Oh, I’m disgusting now? Really? Don’t walk away from me, Bernie Sanders!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders in his office]

Kyle: Mr. Sanders, can I get you a coffee?

Benie Sanders: A coffee. Yeah, you know what? I’ll have a coffee with whole milk.

Kyle: Sorry, I think we only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: 2%? No, no. If I’m gonna have milk, I’ll have milk. Thank you very much.

Jeff: Bernie! What’s this I hear about you not shaking your constituent’s hands. You can’t do that.

Benie Sanders: No, you don’t understand Jeff. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jeff: Sure it wasn’t a cough and a wipe and a shake?

Benie Sanders: No, no. There was no wipe. Definitely no wipe. She didn’t have the decency to give me a wife.

Suzan: You are such an asshole Bernie. You know what? This is why nobody likes you, because you’re an asshole.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I’m an asshole?

Suzan: Yeah! You are. You are.

Benie Sanders: People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history and I don’t take from millionaires and billionaires. The average is just–

Suzan: $27, yeah, we know. Coz you say it every time you’re on TV.

Benie Sanders: Okay, we’ll keep it low, low.

Suzan: Everybody knows!

Benie Sanders: Oh, shut up, Suzan. Okay?

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Bernie F-ing Sanders! Ha-ha-ha. Listen man. I’ll tell you something. I heard you didn’t want to shake a black woman’s hand.

Benie Sanders: What? Don’t! Don’t say ‘black woman’, okay? There’s nothing to do with black. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jay: Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie. You need to shake as many black women’s hands as you can. I don’t care if the hand’s got dookie on it. You shake that hand. You might get a dookie in your hand, but you know what else you get? A damn vote.

Benie Sanders: Okay, that was fascinating. I’m gonna go get some coffee.

Suzan: You can’t go out there.

Benie Sanders: Why? I’m a person like everybody else. I’m a normal human being.

Suzan: You’re not normal.

Benie Sanders: Normal human being. Oh, shut up Suzie! How about that?

Suzan: You shut up.

[Cut to Benie Sanders walking at the snowy street.]

[As Benie Sanders is walking to get a coffee, there’s a car hitting sound.]

[Cut to Aidy in the broken car.]

Aidy: Help. Somebody, please!

Benie Sanders: My god! What happened?

Aidy: I- I don’t know. Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.

Benie Sanders: Oh, how– what can I do? How can I help?

Aidy: Well, I think I dislocated my shoulder. So can you just pop it back in?

Benie Sanders: Pop it back in? Are you nuts?

Aidy: No. It’s easy. Just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I cannot. Go to a hospital. I don’t pop– I’m not a popper.

Aidy: Well, come on! The poll’s closing in an hour. If you want my vote just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want it that bad. I never popped in my life. I’m from Brooklyn. We don’t pop in Brooklyn. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Come on!

Benie Sanders: I have no popping experience. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Bernie!

Benie Sanders: I’m sorry.

[Benie Sanders walks away]

Aidy: F-you! Bernie!

[Cut to Bernie walking back into his office. Everyone is looking at the poll.]

Benie Sanders: Excuse me. Excuse me. How are we doing?

Jeff: I’m so glad you could make it, Bernie. The polls are closed.

Jane Sanders: Where is your coffee?

Benie Sanders: I had an incident–

Suzan: The hell you talking about incident. Just drink the coffee here.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want to drink the coffee. 2%. What’s 2%? I’m not drinking–

Suzan: What are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What’s wrong with 2%?

Taran: Alright, start the presses. Headlines in. They feel the Bern. Huge voter turnout. Huge, massive!

Benie Sanders: Turnout? This is wonderful. Did you hear? Huge! Huge turnout. You know what that means? That means we win.

Suzan: Hey you [bleep] four eyes. Look at the TV dumb [bleep]. You didn’t win. You lost.

Jeff: You lost by like, .2%. Come on!

Benie Sanders: .2%? What? How many people is that?

Taran: It’s like, five people.

Jane Sanders: How could we lose by five people?

Suzan: What did you do? You did something.

[Benie Sanders looks at the TV. He sees Aidy, Leslie and Kenan waving at the TV wearing Hillary shirt.]

Kyle: Sir, are you sure I can’t bring you that coffee? We still only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: I’ll take the 2%.

[The End]

Screen Guild Awards

Cecily Strong

Brad Dunn… Taran Killam

Ronda Rousey

Jay Pharoah

Drew Mackenzie… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

Barry Peele… Beck Bennett

Alan Smickel… Bobby Moynihan

Jacob Schultz… Jon Rudnitsky

Leslie Jones

Male voice: We now return to the Screen Guild Awards.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And now, the award for the best actor. There were so many great performances this year. It’s a shame we couldn’t nominate more. But I think we can all agree these were the best of the best. For ‘Punching Upward’ [Cut to Brad] as a boxing coach who wouldn’t give up on his pupil, Brad Dunn.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Punching Upward’]

Brad: So that’s it, huh? You’re just gonna quit?

Jay: Man, I don’t know why I’m doing this anyway. I’ll never beat Ruiz.

Brad: Ay! Screw Ruiz. You know who you gotta beat? Him! [showing the mirror] That guy right there. That’s the toughest opponent you’ll ever face in the world.

[Cut to Brad and Drew]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Shut Em Down’, a rockest look at rough and tumble 80s rap group Public Disaster, [Cut to Drew] in the role of Little Q, Drew Mackenzie.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Shut Em Down’]

Kenan: Man, they’ve been tryna’ shut us down from day one. Speak a little truth, and they tryna’ to take you out. But if anybody wants to leave, there’s the door. So who’s staying?

[Drew walks in]

Drew: Yeah, guys! Who’s staying? I know I am.

[Cut to Drew waving at the camera. Kenan is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Thurgood’, the story of the first black supreme court justice Thurgood Marshall, [Cut to Barry] playing the role of Dave, Barry Peele.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Thurgood’.]

Sasheer: I can’t wait forever Marshall. Do you love me? Or your books?

Marshall: Viv, if I’m gonna make it as a lawyer, I got to work 10 times as hard as these white folks. It’s the only way it’s gonna work.

[Barry walks in]

Barry: Hey guys, we close in five minutes.

Marshall: Thanks Dave.

[Barry walks away]

[Cut to Barry waving at the camera. The actor who played Marshall is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’, the story of African child soldiers and the ruthless warlord who led them, [Cut to Alan] for his role of white man with camera, Alan Smickel.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’.]

Jay: You will eat when I say. You will sleep when I say. You will kill when I say.

[Alan walks in with a camera in. Jay cannot see him so Alan just turns around and walks away.]

When we fight, we will eat the beating hearts.

[Cut to Alan smiling and looking at the camera. Jay is sitting beside him looking funnily. Alan gives him hand for a high-five but Jay ignores him.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Finally, for ‘Red Line’, the story of discriminatory housing practices between African Americans in Chicago, [Cut to Jacob] for his role as unseen voice on phone, Jacob Schultz.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Red Line’.]

Leslie: [on the phone][sobbing] You white people think you can take anything you want. Well, this is my house and it’s not right.

Jacob: Okay. I’ll give him the message.

[Cut to Jacob smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Leslie looking angry]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And the best actor is…[Cecily opens the card] Oh! Oh my god, I knew it. It’s five way tie. All the white guys!

[All the white guys walk to the stage happily]

Alan: Whoo! We did it!

[The End]

Drone Milfs

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Jan Crang… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Dutt… Kate McKinnon

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Mary Bonom… Ronda Rousey

Pete Davidson.

[Starts with Bobby and Cecily at their desk]

Bobby: Motion passes.

Cecily: Okay, so that concludes action items. We now begin the citizen’s forum and open the podium to the members of the community.

Bobby: As a reminder, swearing is prohibited. If you cannot express your opinion without using foul language, I encourage you to leave.

[Cut to Leslie at the podium]

Leslie: Bye!

[Leslie leaves]

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Alright then, I guess we’ll start with you ma’am. Hello.

[Cut to Jan Crang at the podium]

Jan Crang: Jan Crang, female, aged 47.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: There is no need to state your age and sex, Ms. Crang. What is your concern?

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Well the teens have taken their mischief to the skies and I am talking about drones. I snatched this one out of the air when it whizzed over my backyard while I was sunbathing, and it’s little camera snapped some pics of me in my tanning trunks. They are supposed to be used on some kind of website called drone-milfs. Well, jokes on them. How can I be a milf when I don’t have any children? I move to ban these bots and free the drone milfs!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: But we can’t ban drones but I suggest contacting a lawyer about unauthorized use of your picture.

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Thank you. Once again, Jan Crang. As in Cranga-tang!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, we know. Thank you. Hello there, Mrs. Dutt. Back again so soon.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt at the podium]

Mrs. Dutt: Yes. I was banned from singing center agian. I’m here to ask for reinstatement.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, this is the third time this month.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: That’s not my fault. I had a Rockstar energy drink that lit a fire under my taunt. I was playing monopoly with Ethal, and she bought Marvin’s gardens but I wanted Marvin’s gardens. So I said, “Well I want that!” But she refused! So I knocked her over the game and I started tearing the little red hood, teased everybody in the little activity’s room. And I pulled a fire alarm and I yelled, “I am the nightmare!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, I’m not gonna do this.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I am not done. And then I ran outside and I claimed a tree. I grabbed some wasps nest and turned it into a zumba class.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Geez! Well, do you promise to stay away from Rockstar energy drink?

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: If I told you yes, that would be a lie.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Well then, I’m sorry. Request denied.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I understand.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Moving on. Hi there, young man. How are you?

[Cut to MC Strategy at the podium]

MC Strategy: My name is MC Strategy. I’m originally from Holand but I’m here to spread dope beats on the cautious tip. [yelling]Real-Hip-Hop! As you know, next Sunday is the pop Warner’s youth football championship games. My question to you is, instead of star spankled banners, may I perform a four and half concert along side the rest of the Mythic Insight’s crew? Man styles, and DJ Liner?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: I believe Caroline chew is going to sing the national anthem during the game.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: What if I promise to bring the Abstract thoughts?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, I would still say no.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Right. Well, thank you for being part of the evolution. Please pick up my CD outside of the Papa Johns!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Definitely. Definitely will. Hi there, Mr. Lumus.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom at the podium]

Gary: Lu? Call me Gary. I’d like to introduce my good friend Mary Bonom. She’d like to apply for an event permit and I told her I’d help her out. Say some kind of tight with you guys.

Mary Bonom: Hi there. I want an old time traveling carnival in side show. I’d like to set my tents in your town square for two week engagement. My side show includes such human arteez as Tod, the lost Baldwin brother.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh. And what else do you have?

[cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: That’s it.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: All your carnival has is ‘Tod the lost Baldwin brother’?

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: I’m sorry. I think we’re gonna pass.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Alright, cool. Thanks for your time.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, yes. Hello there, young man.

[Cut to Pete at the podium]

Pete: Um, wad up? I lost a drone. Anybody turning one in?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Do you for chance have a website called drone-milfs?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! It’s dope, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yeah, but the search bar is hard to find and when you create an account you should be able to save your favorites, but we do not have your drone. And it looks like we are out of time. Meeting adjourned. Drive save, everybody!

[The End]

Undercover Boss

Kylo Ren… Adan Driver

Zack… Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Undercover Boss intro]

Male voice: Each week, we follow the boss of a major organization as they go undercover to find out what’s really going on in their company. This is Undercover Boss. Star Killer Base.

[Cut to Star Wars scene]

Kylo Ren is the commander of the First Order, a massive regime dedicated to wiping out the galactic resistance. This week, Kylo is going undercover among the Star Killer Base personnel as Matt, a radar technician.

[Cut to Kylo Ren]

Kylo Ren narrating: You get so caught up in restoring the galaxy to it’s rightful state that you miss what’s going on behind the scene. I’m looking forward to having some real talk with some real folks.

Female voice: We’ve put hidden cameras in employee common area and no one has any idea that Matt is their boss, Kylo Ren.

[Kylo Ren walks in the employee lunch area]

Kylo Ren: Hi. I’m Matt. I’m a radar technician.

[Cut to Kylo Ren sitting with other employees]

You guys like working here?

Zack: You know, work is work.

Kylo Ren: Yeah. Totally. What do you think of Kylo Ren? Do you guys believe when he says he’s gonna finish what Darth Vader started?

Bobby: What exactly has he started?

Zack: You know, I will say this for Kylo. I think he gets a bad rap. He’s trying to accomplish something that has never been done in the history of the galaxy. You know. Rule everything? That’s impressive. I admire the guy.

Kylo Ren: Yes, exactly. Exactly.

[Cut to Leslie teaching Kylo Ren to do some technician stuff.]

Leslie: Okay, okay. It’s real easy. All you gotta do is rewire the calcinator.

Kylo Ren: So, remove this?

Leslie: Does that look like the calcinator? What’s wrong with you? Why is it so hard for you to understand?

Kylo Ren: I don’t know. But can you please stop yelling me? You’re starting to stress me out.

Kylo Ren narrating: I have a new found respect for what my employees do.

Leslie: Okay, now can we rewire it please? So I can go have my muffin? I haven’t had my muffin yet, Matt.

Kylo Ren narrating: It’s not as easy as I presumed.

[A storm-trooper walks and bullies Kylo Ren]

Storm-trooper: Wad up, Matt? [kicking his tools]

Kylo Ren: Hey, you kicked my wrench! Jerk face!

[Cut to Kylo Ren walking in with his lightsaber.]

Look, I found Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. Look, it’s awesome.

Bobby: It’s nothing but dangerous, man! Poorly made like a little kid made it.

Kylo Ren: Then you don’t have to look at it anymore.

[Kylo Ren throws the lightsaber away]

[Cut to Zack]

Zack: I’m 90% sure Matt is Kylo Ren.

[Cut to Kylo Ren and Zack]

Yeah, this has actually been a rough year for my family. We lost our son back in April. He was in the storm-trooper program. And we’re getting by…

Kylo Ren: Wow, man… I’m sorry about that. Must be hard.

Kylo Ren narrating: Hearing that Zack lost his son really struck in nerve with me. Especially since I’m the one who killed him.

[Cut to Kylo Ren walks to Zack]

Kylo Ren: Hey, I ran into Kylo Ren in the bathroom. He told me to give you this.

[hands him a card]

Zack: After the rain comes the rainbow. [reading the written note] Sorry, I killed your son, Kylo.

Kylo Ren narrating: [showing a picture of storm-troopers with ‘Team Work’ written on it] This means something to me now.

[Cut to Kylo Ren, Zack and Bobby at the dining hall]

Kylo Ren: A buddy of mine saw Kylo Ren take his shirt off in the shower and he said that Kylo Ren had an 8-pack. That Kylo Ren was shredded.

Bobby: What? Your friend is a liar. Kylo Ren is a punk bitch. That guy looks like he weighs 30 pounds soaking wet underneath that little black dress.

[Kylo Ren is staring at Bobby and Bobby starts choking]

Zack: Jim? Jim?

Kylo Ren: Oh, no, he’s choking on food. [looking at Bobby] I know what’s in your mind, and it is stupid.

[Kylo Ren throws Bobby away just by gesturing]

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Dude, Matt straight up sucks!

[Kylo Ren walking in the dining hall]

Kylo Ren: I have a bombshell announcement to make, guys. I’m not Matt. I am–

Zack: Kylo Ren.

Bobby: Kylo Ren. You’re Kylo Ren. We know. I knew when you threw me through the soda machine.

Zack: I knew from, “Hi, I’m Matt.”

Kylo Ren: We really connected today. I’m promoting you to superior officer.

Zack: Thank you sir!

[Cut to Kylo Ren in his suit]

Kylo Ren narrating: I had a blast today. I really learned a lot and people are gonna love the new me.

[Kylo Ren leaves. Behind him was Zack lying dead.]

[The End]

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing]

[Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

[gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Quarterback’s Injury

Al Michael… Beck Bennett

Chris Collinsworth… Adam Driver

Jared Schleff… Pete Davidson

Michelle Tafoya… Cecily Strong

Lucas Kavner… Kenan Thompson

Bruce Erin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Al and Chris in their set]

Al: We’re back with 4th quarter with Arizona leading Green Bay, 28-17. Al Michael here with you along with Chris Collinsworth. And this game has been a nightmare for the packers, Chris.

Chris: It really has. After losing their first three quarterbacks to injury, Green Bay has turned into a 4th string back who I’ve never heard of.

[Cut to Jared smiling with his team jersey on.]

Al: Jared Schleff has not taken a snap for Green Bay all year. [Cut to Al and Chris] But here he is in the biggest game of the season.

Chris: Well, the playoff is certainly where you’ll find the most unlikely of heroes.

Al: Absolutely. Let’s go down to the field where Schleff is in the shotgun.

[Cut to the ground. The game is on.]

He takes the snap.

[Opponent player breaks Jared’s legs too.]

Oh my god!

Chris: Oh! Sweet mercy!

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Um, folks. This is one of the worst injuries I’ve seen in my 40 year career.

Chris: That’s just devastating. I think watching that made me sick.

Al: Absolutely. No one should ever have to witness something that shocking. Let’s see it again.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Oh my god!

Chris: I do pray for him. I do.

Al: Absolutely.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not gonna subject you to that again… from that angle. This new angle is much better.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking from different angle]

Oh, wow! That new angle makes me thing this is CGI or something. Legs don’t do that.

Al: Yeah. [Cut to Al and Chris] Let’s go to our sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya who’s with Packer’s team doctor Lucas Kavner.

[Cut to Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Dr. Kavner, obviously a really tough injury for Schleff. Will be be back on the field?

Lucas: Well, it looked pretty bad but he’s a young man. I wouldn’t give up on him. I can’t diagnose it because I couldn’t really see what exactly happened.

Michelle: Oh, you know what? We have it right here.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Lucas: Oh, lord! Take my eyes.

[Cut to Lucas]

Blind me lord! Oh, he’s done. He’s done forever.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: We’ll check in with Michelle in a little bit

Chris: Obviously, this is a full contact sport. But nobody should have to see something this gruesome and appalling. Luckily we’ll never have to watch that clip again.

Al: And the Arizona coach is asking to see the clip again. [Cut to Bruce] Looks like Bruce Erin has turned the challenge flag.

Chris: Oh, he believes that Schleff fumbled the ball.

Al: But did he? Let’s take a look.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

I think that’s a fumble.

Chris: Remember, the play is dead when the front of you knee toughes the ground.

Al: Sure, but what about the back of your knee?

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: I don’t know.

Al: In the meantime, let’s go back to Michelle who’s with Jared Schleff.

[Cut to Jared, Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Um, Dr. Kavner is doing what he can for Schleff. He’s holding a bible. Now he’s pulled out a gun. He seems to be weighing his options. Back to you, Al.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Okay. Let’s move on to something fun. Our AT&T fan pinion of the game. Tonight’s fan pinion is about… [Jared’s picture appears behind Al and Chris] Jared Schleff. What do you think was the worst part of Jared’s injury? Wast it! A, the nauseating reality that legs could bend like that. B, that sound, that terrible sound. Or, C, knowing that somewhere deep down, this is why you watch football. [Cut to Al and Chris] Text us your answers. We’ll have the results after this commercial. When we return, Green Bay finds another quarterback.

Chris: Looks like the coach is asking volunteers from the crowd. Big opportunity for the fans.

Al: Oh, wow!

[The End]