Tag: Bobby Moynihan

Game Of Thrones FIRST LOOK

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

Director… Jon Rusnitsky

Peter Dinklage

Emilia Clarke… Kate McKinnon

Joe Leuci… Kyle Mooney

Iain Glen… Taran Killam

[Starts with shooting set of Game of Thrones]

[Cut to Peter and Emilia]

Peter: Hi HBO. I’m Peter Dinklage, A.K.A. Tyrion Lannister.

Emilia: And I’m Emilia Clarke, A.K.A. Daenerys Targarian, mother of dragons. And this is your first look at Game of Thrones, season 6.

Peter: Season 6 finds Tyrion in the service of Daenerys Targarian. And that means I finally get some screen time with those scene stealers, the dragons.

[Cut to the shooting]

Director: Action!

Peter: Citizens!

[Randy come in with dragon costume on making dragon noises]

Citizens, do not be alarmed, citizens. He is our friend. Drogon is here to protect you.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Well, the Mov-Cap technology allows the director to see the finished product as we’re shooting in real time which is pretty phenomenal.

[Cut to shooting]

Peter: Well, he didn’t inherit your looks but he certainly has your temper.

Director: Good job Peter. Why don’t we just do that once more.

[Randy is staring at Peter]

Peter: What are you doing?

Randy: I was just being intense.

Peter: You’re looking at my face.

Randy: Oh, okay. I’ll close my eyes.

[Cut to Iain Glen]

Iain: Season 6, they’ve really pulled all the the stops. I mean, some of these effects they’re doing are just truly incredible.

[Randy is spitting out water for the fire effect]

I’ve seen really unbelievable stuffs.

[Cut to shooting]

It would be wise to trade lightly with me, boy. War is not a game.

[Randy uncovers his fave behind Iain]

Randy: Of Thrones!

Director: Okay, cut! Randy.

Randy: Yeah.

Director: I think I just heard you say something.

Randy: Nope. I didn’t say anything.

Director: You said “Of thrones” after he said–

Randy: Check the playback. I didn’t say a word.

[Cut to Iain]

Iain: Season 6 has a lot of surprises in store. It’s bigger, better, bloodier.

[Cut to Randy during the shoot]

Randy: Hey, are we gonna get a bathroom break anytime soon? I gotta… bust a piss.

Director: It takes like, half hour to get you in and out of that suit. You think you can hold it for a bit?

Randy: Yea, no sweat.

Director: Cool. Great.

[Cut to Emilia. Behind her, Randy is drying his suit as he pissed on them.]

Emilia: This season– I can’t say too much without getting in trouble but let’s just say that Daenerys finds herself rather conflicted between two different good–

[Cut to shooting]

You’ll only bring pain to this kingdom Drogo. You have to go.]

[Randy makes dragon sound and then opens the door and walks out]

Director: Okay. Halt. Come back. A dragon wouldn’t just open the door. You just exit frame, okay?

Randy: I can’t hear you but I was gonna say a dragon shouldn’t go through the door. I’m just gonna exit frame, okay?

[Cut to the set]

Iain: Here we are. We’re currently setting up for the pivotal moment where Daenerys leads a dragon into battle for the first time.

[They’re pulling Randy upward]

Randy: Ou! Ou! Ou! I’m sorry. Ou!

Director: Put him down.

Randy: No, it’s pinching it.

Director: Are you okay?

Randy: Wait! Stop, stop, stop. Don’t. Don’t.

Director: Why don’t we just bring you down?

Randy: Just leave me. I need a minute.

[Cut to clips from Game of Thrones]

Peter: Thank you for watching HBO first look. And remember, it’s..

[Randy walks in]

Randy: It’s Game of Thrones.

Peter: HBO.

Randy: HBO.

[Cut to the set. Randy is hanging and there’s a man who is cutting the ropes loose.]

Wait, what is that for? No, wait. Wait. Wait.

[Randy falls flat on the ground]

[The End]

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture changes to map of Amsterdam and handcuffs.]

A gang of drug dealers in Amsterdam were reportedly storing–

[Riblet enters the set]

Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on! Let’s go.

Michael Che: Reportedly storing 300,000–

[Cut to 1, Michael Che and Riblet]

Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on, man! Let’s go. I got a bootleg copy of Batman hates Superman.

Michael Che: Dude, yo’re in the shot.

Riblet: Man, I think they got a Honder Hwoman in there. Come on, man!

Michael Che: You’re in the shot. You’re ruining this.

Riblet: Oh, we live right now? We live at five? Yo, introduce me then.

Michael Che: I’m sorry. It’s my friend from high school, Riblet everybody.

[Riblet climbs over the table and sits next to Michael Che]

Riblet: It’s Riblet baby living clean in 2016.

Michael Che: Riblet, I’m in the middle of a live show here, man. I don’t have time to go watch movies with you.

Riblet: What? Man, you never got time for Riblet no more, man! Come on, now.

Michael Che: I got a job.

Riblet: Oh, you a punk man! Get someone to cover your shift. That’s what I did at Friendly’s, never home of the fribble.

Michael Che: Well, this isn’t Friendly’s, Riblet. Okay? This is a good job. You can’t just get anybody to do this job.

Riblet: Phrrr. Please! This jorb ain’t that hord! Come on man, check it. Watch, I’ll do it right now. Ay, yo Don, give me a key on three, baby.

Michael Che: How do you know Don?

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of IHOP logo and Mississippi map at right top corner.]

Riblet: A massive sinkhole opened in a parking lot of Mississippi IHOP swallowing more than a dozen cars. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re eating at a Mississippi IHOP, it’s to sink lower.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Oh! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Now hurry up Che. Table four needs a fribble. Oh, what’s that? You don’t know where table four is? It’s a trick question. Table four is a booth. Dang!

Michael Che: That wasn’t a question or a trick, man! Can you please just go? I’m serious.

Riblet: What? I’m serious about watching this movie, man. Lex Luthor got hairs now. And I’m fixing to find out why. Okay? So, let’s keep this train rolling my dude. Ayo Don, break me on someting.

Michael Che: Why are you helping him?

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of J.K. Rowling at right top corner.]

Riblet: Some native American groups are upset with the new J.K. Rowling story that they say is disrespectful of their culture. Which you can tell from the title, ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Blankets’. [yelling] Oh! That ain’t even a real book. I photoshorped it. And it ain’t even there, man! It’s ghost news.[The picture disappears]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Michael Che: You know, there’s a lot more to this job than just reading jokes–

Riblet: [mocking] Oh really? There’s a lot more?

Michael Che: Yeah man, it is.

Riblet: Okay, man. You know what? I stand corrected. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. Okay. I guess– I did not. I’m apologizing. I guess you would have to have something like new surprising moves every week.

Michael Che: That’d be nice. It would.

Riblet: Wait a minute. [putting a finger in his ear and listening] I’m getting something. My ear from the booth. Hold on. Oh, it looks like we have a special report. Let’s go live to our man on the street, Riblet.

[Cut to Riblet in street]

Riblet in street: Thanks Riblet. Good evening. Riblet St. James here reporting live from the Lorry side. The line started forming days ago and it has been a revolving door of random man in and out of this building all weekend long. Whatever they are lining up for, they can’t seem to get enough, Riblet.

[Cut to Riblet in set]

Riblet: Okay, and where did you say you were, Riblet?

[Cut to split screen]

Riblet in street: Okay, I am currently outside Che’s mama’s house.

Riblet: Damn! Yo, sign him off, Riblet. Do your thing.

Riblet in street: This is Riblet St. James. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Back to you, Riblet.

[Both Riblets do the mic-drop and start dancing.]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet in the set]

Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Tidal Music Streaming

Kenan Thompson

Tyler… Bobby Moynihan

Nicholson… Jay Pharoah

Riley… Sasheer Zamata

Chloe… Ariana Grande

[Starts with Tidal Streaming Music Headquarters]

Kenan: Alright. It’s time for the three PM tidal system’s check. Drake’s stream.

Tyler: Running smooth sir.

Kenan: Coldplay

Nicholson: No lag time, full bit-rate sir.

Kenan: Billy Joel

Riley: No fire started over here, sir.

Kenan: Swinging to miss, Danielson.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Here’s your coffee, sir.

Kenan: Oh, thank you, Chloe. Well, it looks like it’s another incident free day here at Tidal Music Streaming.

[The lights go off]

What the hell was that?

Tyler: Looks like the power’s out, sir.

Riley: Backup generators, up and running.

Kenan: Alright, let’s do systems check. One Direction?

Tyler: All good, sir.

Kenan: Kendrick Lamar?

Nicholson: Coming throughout and clear.

Kenan: Britney Spears?

Riley: Looks like we’re gonna lose Britney Spears stream in thirty seconds.

Kenan: We already beefed the Kanye and Rihanna album releases! Tyler, we cannot afford another glitch. What do we do?

Tyler: Sir, I heard Chloe the intern singing some Britney Spears in the hallway. Is that true, Chloe? Can you sing like Britney Spears?

[Chloe looking nervous]

Chloe: Kind of.

Kenan: Riley, open the channel. Chloe, the future of Tidal is in your hands.

Chloe: But I’m shy.

Kenan: Well, try, dammit! People need their Britney Spears.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go
And now you’re out of sight, yeah
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Britney Spears is up and running.

Kenan: That was close. Well done, Chloe.

Tyler: Oh, no sir. We are about to lose the Shakira stream.

Nicholson: Perfect! Chloe’s Hispanic.

Chloe: That’s a common mistake. I’m actually just very, very Italian.

Kenan: Well, can you do Shakira?

Chloe: I can try.

[music playing]

[singing] Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Can’t you see
I’m at your feet
Whenever, wherever
We’re meant to be together
I’ll be there and you’ll be near
And that’s the deal my dear

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Shakira is online and streaming.

Kenan: Job well done. Job well done. You need some water?

Nicholson: Old time, sir. Ariana Grande channel is down.

Kenan: Chloe. Can you do Ariana Grande?

Chloe: Nay, sorry, not a big fan.

Tyler: Oh, forget it sir. Because we just lost a big one. Rihanna’s down.

Kenan: Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna.

[music playing]

[singing] Work, work, work, work, work, work
He said me haffi
Work, work, work, work, work, work
He see me do mi
Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt
So me put in
Work, work, work, work, work, work

[beep beep]

Tyler: Back on. The Rihanna stream is re-buffered and good to go.

Kenan: Was that okay? I truly don’t know what she’s saying.

Kenan: Ay, nobody does.

Riley: I got bad news, boss. The 90s Diva’s playlist is glitching.

Kenan: Can you handle it Chloe? I mean that’s a lot of women.

Chloe: There’s only one way to find out.

Riley: We just lost Celine Dion

[music playing]
Kenan: [singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it
Right outside the window

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Celine Dion is at onehundre%. But now we’re losing Whitney Houston.

Kenan: Oh, come on. Take a song.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] And I wish you joy
And happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
And I…
Will always love you
I…
Will always love you
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. The power’s fully restored.

Tyler: All streams are up and running.

Kenan: Ah! You did it Chloe. Jay Z would be proud.

Nicholson: Yeah! You bet I am. [Nicholson wears his hat] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Nicholson, you was Jay-Z this whole time?

Nicholson: Ts-yeah. You know, I wanted to see how my company was doing out of that boss style, you know? Yo Chloe, you single handedly just saved Tidal. You said you were just an intern?

Chloe: Yes.

Nicholson: Yeah, that’s great. Can you get me a vince cappuccino?

Tyler: Yeah, I’ll take a Grande.

[everybody starts demanding coffee so Chloe runs away]

Mermaids

Taran Killam

Corel…Ariana Grande

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Smith… Beck Bennet

Shud… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. By fishing boat captain, Deacon Pritchard, 1906.  [The book opens] Caught in a storm, my crew and I were flown overboard, sent to a watery grave. But the next morning, we woke on our boat deck. The circumstances of our rescue, not to be believed.

[Cut to three men waking up]

Taran: I am alive. But who plucked from the sea?

[Corel comes out. She’s a mermaid.]

Corel: I did.

Taran: My god!

[Oceana appears next to Bobby]

Oceana: And I saved you.

Bobby: Can’t be.

[Cut to Smith]

Smith: And who is my enchanting rescuer?

[Shud comes out. She looks really ugly.]

Shud: Me, man.

Smith: Oh my god, what is that?

Shud: I’m a mermaid, man!

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am Oceana.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And I am Corel

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: My name is Shud.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: It’s just like in the story books. Half woman, half fish.

Corel: Blue fish to be exact.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am part Marlin.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Me? I’m working with about 35% woman, 65% blab fish.

Smith: Oh, god! What are blab fish?

Shud: We live on the sea floor deep in the Mariana Trench. Made only of jellyton, hence my sleek sheen. And here’s a picture of my mom for reference.

[Shud shows Smith a picture of an ugly fish]

Gorgeous. That was her on her wedding day. I have her looks, thank god.

Smith: My mermaid blows.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Now, I believe in love at first sight for you are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes upon, Corel.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: My sweet Oceana, you’ve captured my heart with a mere flutter of your eyelash.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: I’m waiting.

Smith: Ah, you’re so big, Shud.

Shud: Oh, thanks man. Excuse me, I need to take a breath.

[Shud makes weird exhaling noises]

Nailed it. Thank you.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Ah! Sweet ocean maidens, I would do anything for you to walk with us upon the land.

Corel: There is a way. All it takes is a kiss.

Taran: Yes. Yes, of course.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: It would be an honor.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Smith: Can I just give her cash?

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: Now my sisters, let’s recite the enchanted spell. If a mermaid kisses a human male, a pair of legs shall replace her tail.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And once she walks on land above, she will find her one true love.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: A blab fish has two mouths. One for breathing and one for food absorption. The human male should kiss the food mouth which consist of the whole face in front ass.

Smith: Can I give a hug, or like a high-five? This chick takes dumbs out of her mouth.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are sea sisters. Therefore, all of us must receive a kiss for the spell to work.

Taran: You kiss her Smith. That’s an order.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, just kiss your blab fish, Smith!

[Bobby kisses Oceana and Oceana starts singing]

[Cut to Taran and Corel. Taran kisses Corel and Corel starts singing.]

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Open wider!

[Smith and Shud kiss. Shud stats singing the Lion King chant.]

That was hot.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: When we reach shore, our transformation will be complete.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are your’s forever.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Blab fish lives about a 175 years, FYI.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: We shall marry this evening. Set a coarse for the shore.

[Cut to everybody]

Corel: We’ll see you there.

[Corel and Oceana gets back to the water]

Shud: Mating wise, usually a male attaches to my body and I absorb his gonet. And then his body fuses to my sheen. But we’ll figure something out.

Smith: Wow, it’s so nice for you to help work out a way that my nut will melt off.

Shud: I’ll see you soon baby.

[Shud fats]

Hey, are you looking down my shirt?

Smith: Ew, no!

[Cut to the book closes]

Kids’ Choice Awards

Reece Better… Taran Killam

Jessie Kerk-Fatone… Vanessa Bayer

Brynlee Dobbs… Ariana Grande

Frankie Goodman… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Kids’ Choice Awards video bumper]

Female voice: Welcome back to the Kids’ Choice Awards orange carpet pre-show. Only on nick!

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: And, we’re moments away from the coolest, the messiest, the most celeb packed award show this season, the Kids’ Choice Awards. Hi, I’m Reece Better. By my side, my BFF Jessie Kerk-Fatone.

Jessie: Thanks Reece. Everyone’s been dying to know. Who will take home such coveted awards as favorite cartoon and coolest hair style male?

Reece: Let’s check in with our young lady with this scoop, Brynlee. She’s backstage where all the action is.

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee.

Brynlee: Guys, the vibe back here is literally electric. Just saw dog from Dog with a Vlog take a selfie with I Carly herself, Miranda Cosgro who’s receiving tonight’s life time achievement award. I’d love to stay in shot but I gotta go take my seat. I hope it’s not too close to the Slime Zone.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

[laughing]

Jessie: Well, I have a punch hole just in case, and I heard a rumor, 5th Harmony might need one too. Ooh! Well, the carpet’s winding down but inside, things are just heating up.

Reece: That’s right. Host Blade Shelton’s about to take the stage. We’re signing off because the Kids’ Choice Awards start…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[The show doesn’t cut them out]

Reece: Okay, it looks like maybe we got a little excited there. But who wouldn’t be excited?

Jessie: I mean, so many surprises in store. But there won’t be surprises for much longer. So, [danging] gettie up, y’all. Coz 29th annual Kids’ Choice Awards starts…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

Jessie: Ya-haa!

[The show doesn’t cut them out again]

And all the stars, all the slime and it’s heating up.

Reece: Ha-ha, and speaking of heating up, let’s throw it to our cheeko with aw to access, Brynlee.

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Yas. Guys, I’m back stage where things are really heating up and I think I might be busting a move. [dabs] So, you know what slime it is. The Kids’ Choice Awards only on nick are starting, right now. [Brynlee blows a kiss to the camera.]

[The show doesn’t cut her off]

Yeah, boy. Off camera, my producers are making a lot of frantic emotions that I do not understand. But on camera I’m having a blast. Let’s go back to Reece and Jessie. I love you guys.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: Love you too, Brynlee. Couple of hiccups but now we can see we’re about 10 seconds out.

Jessie: Yeah. It’s a live TV but good things are worth waiting for and the wait is finally over. The Kids’ Choice Awards start right now.

Reece: Ta-ta.

[The countdown goes to 0:00, but then start counting seconds again.]

The clock seems to be counting upwards now. I don’t know what that means.

Jessie: We got a technical issue but you know what they say, time flies when you’re waiting for the Kids’ Choice Awards to start.

Reece: That’s right. Hey, Brynlee, what’s cracking backstage?

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Um, all of it, Reece. Dog with a Vlog, I Carly and all the stars. [Brynlee pulls a technical support person] And this man, Frankie Goodman is part of the stage crew. What do you do? Do you make the slime?

Frankie: Oh, I wish. No, I’m just here to hand Blake Shelton his hat.

Brynlee: Yeah, boy. We got ragged gold hats back here. [Brynlee takes the hat from Frankie] You want me to try it on? I’m gonna look so insane.

Frankie: Um, are you Blake Shelton? I don’t think you are. [Frankie pulls the hat back] So, don’t touch the hat. Okay.

[Frankie walks away]

Brynlee: Jeez, just trying to feel the time here. Okay, so I’m being told the clock is fixed. Yay! It’s official. The Kids’ Choice Awards starts right now.

[The show doesn’t cut her off. The countdown clock is stuck at 12:00.]

Oh, my god! The clock is just flashing 12. And none of my producers are making eye contact with me. Reece and Jessie, I can’t even, guys.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: Ha-ha, neither can we, Brynlee.

Jessie: But the Kids’ Choice Awards have got to be starting…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Right now.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[Cut to Frankie]

Frankie: Right now!

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Jessie: Please, right now.

Reece: Okay, clearly the awards are not starting any time soon—

[Cut to Kids’ Choice Awards video bumper]

Male voice: Welcome to the 29th annual Kids’ Choice Awards.

[The End]

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’]

[right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’]

[right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

Voters For Trump ad

Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of country areas]

Female voice: The media has been saying some pretty negative things about Donald Trump. But what are real American’s saying?

Taran: The guy is a winner..

Vanessa: He is authentic.

Bobby: He’s the only one who has actually created jobs.

Aidy: He literally wrote the book on negotiating.

Beck: Trump’s an outsider. Washington needs that.

Kyle: I think he can make this country great again.

Female voice: So, when people ask why you support Donald Trump, you just tell them…

Taran: He’s gonna take our economy from here to here. [Taran has a Nazi band on his arm] And I like that.

Vanessa: [ironing her clothes] He’s not some cautious politician. He says what I’m thinking. [when Vanessa turns her cloth over, it’s a KKK robe.]

Bobby: [painting on a house] I don’t know what it is. I just like the guy. [Bobby climbs down the ladder. He had painted ‘White Power’ on a house.]

Aidy: Some of his ideas seem a little out there, but I like that he’s looking towards solutions. [Aidy has a lot of bulletin board notes over Muslims]

Beck: [sitting before the fireplace] He’s definitely not PC. [He throws books to burn the fire]

Kyle: [carrying logs] So, why do I support Trump? Three words. Good at business. [There are three KKKs dancing behind Kyle]

Female voice: A message from Racists for Donald Trump.

Oak Ridge High Auction

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

Michael Akari… Jonah Hill

Shawn… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Pharooq… Taran Killam

[Starts with Oak Ridge High School student auction]

Aidy: $ninety going once, twice and sold to Mr. Dobson. You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from Honor student, Doug Persel.

Doug: Muchas gracias. [laughing]

Aidy: Now, remember parents, all the proceeds from tonight’s auction goes to the senior carnival. So, get out those wallets. [a band walk on the stage] Now, next step for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show. And I hear they’re quite a hit online. It’s ‘The Emojis’.

Sasheer: What’s up?

Aidy: Now, their music video, “I got a crush on Kevin” has, how many hits on YouTube?

Sasheer: Almost 300,000.

Aidy: Oh, wow! Okay, so, highest bid wins a one hour private gig with ‘The Emojis’. So let’s open up the bidding to 100. Big ones. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Steve: I’ll start, $100 right here.

Beck: Not so fast, Steve. $120!

[Cut to Michael Akari. He looks like Sheikh from the middle east.]

Michael Akari: $1 million.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: I’m sorry. Are you a parent?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: No. I am Michael Akari. I serve King Faidi of Qatar. The king’s teenage daughter princess Sana took a liking to ‘The Emojis’ on YouTube. The King insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to light and amuse her.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: Wait, what?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: When I win ‘The Emojis’, they will immediately board in Faid’s private jet and spend the next week in the palace. Upon arrival, the teens will be bathed and groomed. The young man will spend the day on the King’s yacht while the young women prepare the evening’s feast in the kitchen.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t know how to cook.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: [yelling] Then you will learn. During your song, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin”, the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.”

[Cut to the band]

Kyle: That sounds dope but I can’t go to Qatar, sir. I gotta take SATs on Saturday.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact. And for your troubles, each entertainer’s family will receive $500,000.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Have fun, cupcake.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, $1 million, going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Excellent. To the teens I just purchased, please see outside if you’ll fit in your robes.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t want to wear a robe.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [yelling] Just wear the robe!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. Well, that’s certainly a first for the Oak Ridge senior auction. Now, let’s bring up our star basketball player Shawn and Nate who also have quite the internet following with their vines. [Shawn and Nate walk up the stage]

[Cut to Leslie in the audience]

Leslie: Woo! That’s my baby. Hey, Shawn.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: What’s up, mom? We do vines where we do trick shots.

Nate: Yeah, it’s ‘Dem Boys do the Dunx’ with an X. One of our vines was big on Buzfeed.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: So, Shawn and Nate are offering a 45 minute private basketball lesson. So, let’s start the bidding at $75.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Okay, 75!

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king’s twelve son is a great admirer of Dem Boys do Dunx. I bid $2 million.

[Salah Pharooq walks in. He also looks like a sheikh from the middle east]

Salah Pharooq: $3 million.

Michael Akari: Pharooq. I see you’re still Al Salemi’s errand boy.

Salah Pharooq: Back down, Akari. Dem Boys do Dunx will be mine.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. And who is your new friend?

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: How rude of me. Greetings Oak Ridge High. I am Salah Pharooq, here in behalf of sultan Al Salemi of Kuwait. His fourteen year old son Talam is all about Dem Boys do Dunx.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! Okay. Okay, $three million. Going once, twice–

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: $4 million.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: Mom, what are you doing?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Relax, baby. I am playing the game.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: $5 million. I know that sultan’s packets aren’t that deep.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Nate: I don’t think my mom will let me go to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: Then you are weak! But to ease your mind, the king will offer you both one hour in his room with 200 virgins.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate. They’re hugging each other out of happiness.]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Alright, $5 million going once, twice and sold to Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: I am shamed.

[Salah Pharooq runs out]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Dem Boys do Dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young men who did ‘Damn Daniel’ video. You know those guys? ‘Damn Daniel’? So great.

[The End]

CNN Election Center Cold Open

Jake… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Jake in his set]

Jake: It’s been a crazy week in politics. So, as tonight’s election results continue to roll in, let’s take a look back at past seven days. Donald Trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday. Here’s what he had to say at the celebratory press conference.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Chris Christie]

Donald Trump: What a great, great night. I really am running the best campaign, aren’t I? The media is saying they haven’t seen anything like this. Not since Germany in the 1930s. I mean, everyone loves me. Racists, ugly racists, people who didn’t even know they were racists, people who’s eyes are like this, [making faces], and this guy loves me, don’t you? [talking to the audience] Wait, what’s that? Get him out! As I was saying, everyone loves me. I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now. [pointing at Chris Christie] Isn’t that right, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: I mean, he really is a sad desperate little potato back there. Aren’t you, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: No. Go get on a plane. Go home.

Chris Christie: Okay. You got it.

[Chris Christie leaves]

Donald Trump: Also, P.S. America, I have a great, big, huge dick.

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Alright viewers, I know this is gonna be boring, but let’s take a quick look at the democrats. Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday. Here’s a clip of her thanking supporters.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. There are many black people standing behind her.]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, hello. Hello. Thank you. I’d just like to say, thank the f-ing lord! I won seven states tonight and to celebrate, I bought myself this brand new storm trooper coat. And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together. Just like I brought these 10 black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech. Yes! I hear these people are great, they are strong, they’re beautiful and they’ve all been punched in the nose at the Trump rally. And speaking of Trump, he is on track to become the Republican nominee. So, to all of you voters our there who have thought for years “I hate Hillary, I can never vote for her”, to you I say, “Welcome.” Coz I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here you are stuck in the middle with me! Yes!

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Powerful speech. Now, let’s get back to the fun stuff, the republicans. Tonight’s election results are in and here to talk about his big win is senator Ted Cruz. Caution: We’re about to show his whole face on the screen. So viewer discretion is advised.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello, Jake.

[Jake gets scared looking at his face]

Jake: Still got me even though I knew it was coming.

Ted Cruz: Happens to everyone.

Jake: Now, senator. Tonight you beat Trump in both Kansas and Maine which was a huge upset.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: That’s right. I beat him good. And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring. [showing the ring he’s wearing on his finger] Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. I’m one of those guys.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: And that’s okay. I still love those states like they’re my own children. An Just like my own children, tonight those states said, “Ew, gross. I hate you.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now senator, let’s talk quickly about Thursday’s GOP debate which many called ‘Craze Balls’.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, yes. The debate was so much fun. I talked policy. I laid out my plan for America. And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Yes, that was absolutely disgusting.

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha. I know, right? [laughing]

Jake: Alright, thank you senator. [Cut to Jake] And finally joining us now, he came out strong against Donald Trump. With the unprecedented public address on Thursday, 2012 presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Hello governor.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Jake. Hi, Jake. Thanks for having me. Now, that’s right America, I’m back. You didn’t ask for it but you got it.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Mitt Romney]

Jake: Now governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald Trump?

Mitt Romney: Well Jake, for the last nine months, I’ve sat down and watched Donald Trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Regan, we do not say racist and sexist things. We imply them, shuttly over decades and decades of policy. So I felt that I had to take matters into my own tanned well manicured hands and follow the advise of my favorite rapster, Macklemore. That’s right. And I chose to put Donald Trump on blast. America, he’s a fool.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Four years ago, he endorsed you for president.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Like I said, he’s a fool. He’s a fraud. He’s a scam. He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a flimflam man. Now, if you vote for Donald Trump, and I hate to use a curse word on television, but if you vote for him, you’re a sucker. Aw, forgive me Joseph Smith. Oh, boy.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Wow. You are pretty riled up.

Mitt Romney: Yeah. You’re gosh darn right I am. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And that’s why on last Thursday, I rolled up my $1,000 monogram sleeves, I took a couple of shots of non-alcoholic kahlua, I did 10 women’s pushups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive passionate well measured anti-Trump speech I could.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And you think your speech changed the minds of any Trump supporters?

Mitt Romney: I do not.

Jake: Do you think any Trump supporters even watched?

Mitt Romney: Not on purpose. No.

Jake: You think your speech hurt Trump at all?

Mitt Romney: Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.

Jake: Alright, is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald Trump?

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, there is. Donald, you’re duplicitous, you’re reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president. and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away]

[Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]