Tag: Bobby Moynihan

Adam Driver Monologue

Adam Driver

Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver.

[Adam Driver walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Before we start, just wanna say, congratulations Arizona cardinals. Welcome to the first show of 2016. Right now, it’s happening. I’m in a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Please, please, please go see it. If this one does well, it might make another. I’m so fortunate to be a part of such an illustrious franchise. Especially since I’ve been acting for only few years. Before that, I was in the military and I was very intimidating. We have a photo I think, to prove it.

[Cut to Adam Driver’s photo in a military uniform.]

[Cut to Adam Driver]

Back when the marines were accepting 12 year olds. But it really is an honor to be in Star Wars. Never, never ever will you find a more devoted fan base. They’re very intense.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: [laughing] I know. Star Wars fans, ridiculous, right? Quick question… [Taran pulls out his lightsaber] What happens in the next film, Adam?

Adam Driver: You know I can’t tell you that. They won’t even tell me that.

Taran: Oh, you can’t tell me coz the audience is here, right? Okay. I’m gonna ask you at the after party though.

Adam Driver: No, you won’t.

[Taran turns his lightsaber off and walks away]

I’ve been dealing with this all week.

[Bobby Moynihan walks in with his Kylo Ren’s mask on]

Hey, Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, come on! It could be Kenan! Come on, it could be Kenan in here.

Adam Driver: It’s not Kenan. It’s Bobby. Where did you find that suit?

Bobby Moynihan: I made it.

Adam Driver: How much did that cost you?

Bobby Moynihan: $6,500.

Adam Driver: Bobby, take off the mask.

[Bobby Moynihan takes the mask off. He is wearing a wig.]

Bobby Moynihan: Okay. Sorry.

Adam Driver: Is that a wig?

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah. It’s a wig. The wig was 800 bucks. Listen, I gotta know what happens to Kylo Ren, man. Does he die? Please, just tell me.

Adam Driver: Alright fine, I die.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, no!

Adam Driver: But, my friends put sunglasses on me and I pretend I’m alive all weekend.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, it’s perfect!

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Leave this man alone!

Adam Driver: Okay, what is your Star Wars question?

Leslie: Man, I ain’t see Star Wars. I wanna know why you weren’t in Martian with Matt Damon. Because y’all was the bomb in Goodwill Hunt.

Adam Driver: Leslie, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m Adam Driver, not Minnie Driver.

Leslie: Oh! You’re Adam Driver. Well I don’t know what the internet is talking about coz you are fine! Bobby got a picture of you up his bed.

Bobby Moynihan: Pop-pop-pop-pop! Come on, hey! We’ve got a great show tonight, okay? Adam Driver is here.

Adam Driver: Chris Stapleton here. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

Meet Your Second Wife

Brian… Bobby Moynihan

Steve … Taran Killam

Toby … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Helen Walsh… Amy Poehler

Samantha… Vanessa Bayer

Elane… Aidy Bryant

Diana… Leslie Jones

Alicia… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video shot of Brian smiling at the camera]

Male voice: He’s a professor from Alexandria, Virginia.

[Cut to Steve]

He is a software engineer from Palo Alto, California.

[Cut to Toby]

And he’s a financial analyst in Boston, Massachusetts.

[Cut to Brian, Steve and Toby]

They may not know it yet, but they’re all guests of America’s favorite new show,

[Cut to the show set. There are two ladies hosting and the three contestants.]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Hello and welcome to Meet Your Second Wife.

Helen: We’re your hosts. I am Helen Walsh.

Tina: And I am Tina Fey

Helen: And this is the only show where happily married men get a chance to meet the person who will one day become their second wife.

Tina: You guys excited?

[Cut to the contestants looking confused]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! Let’s meet our first contestant. Bryan from Alexandria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Wait, I’m sorry, what is this show now?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’ll see. Now, I understand your lovely wife Samantha is in the audience today.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Yay! Brian.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: She seems great… for now.

Helen: But Brian, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to the stage. A young girl walks in.]

Brian, this is Hannah.

[Cut to Brian. He looks shocked and angry.]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Hannah is currently an 8 grade student at Welington Middle School but one day years in the future, she will be your second wife.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s impossible. I love my wife. She supported me while I’ve been writing my novels. So…

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: But what if I told you in a few years, one of your novels becomes a surprise best seller and even optioned for a movie?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, yeah. The yeah, I get it now.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Do you have any questions for your second wife, Brian?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, sure. Hi, what kind of things are you interested in?

[Cut to the girl]

Girl: Horses.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Horses. Yeah. Horses are cool.

[Cut to Samantha looking confused and worried.]

[Cut to Brian]

Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you again in 20 years. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Actually, it’s seven. Next is Steve from Palo Alto.

[Cut to Steve]

Helen: Excited to be here Steve?

Steve: Um, I was before but now I’m not.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! I understand that your wife Elane is here also.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I thought this was a home makeover show.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: In a way, it is.

Helen: Okay Steve, lets meet your second wife.

[a small girl enters the set]

This is Stacey.

[Cut to Steve looking very concerned]

Steve: Oh, no!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: How many years old are you, Stacey?

[Cut to Stacey. She shows her five fingers.]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: That is five fingers. I believe she is trying to say she’s five.

Helen: Well, Stacey may still be learning her numbers but one day she will be your second wife.

Tina: What’s gonna happen is, Stacey will apply for an internship at your company…

Helen: Which she will hear about from a college roommate who is also, you guessed, your daughter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: I mean, that’s kind of nice, right? At least then my daughter and she can stay friends.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Oh yeah. Your daughter is gonna love it.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, I’m sorry, this is ridiculous. I am not leaving Elane.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’re right. You won’t. Sadly, Elane will pass away in a tragic kayaking accident.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: What?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Sorry Elane, we don’t make the future. We just know it.

Tina: Next up, we’ve got Toby from Boston.

[Cut to Toby]

Helen: And Toby, you’re here tonight with your wife of 20 years, Diana.

Toby: That’s right. Hey baby.

[Cut to Diana looking angry in the audience]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Okay. Toby, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: [eyes closed and fingers crossed] Don’t be white. Don’t be white. Don’t be white.

[A good looking lady walks in]

Oh, son of a– [looking happy]

[Cut to Diana]

Diana: You a dead man, Toby.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Toby, this is Alicia. [Cut to Alicia] She is currently a sophomore at Wreckers.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Well, that’s not that bad. I mean, the other ones were younger, right?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Slow down. See, Alicia has a serious boyfriend. And she just found out that she is three months’ pregnant with your guess it, your second wife.

Tina: Let’s show Toby the sonogram.

[Cut to a baby’s sonogram picture.]

Helen: Already a beauty.

[Cut to Diana looking fierce]

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Um, quick question. Does the show provide an overnight lodge where I can stay indefinitely?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: No. But all today’s contestants are going home with a fabolous prize, [looking at the card] oh, a new Kayak.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I know I shouldn’t but they’re so fun.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Well, that’s all the time we hav.

Helen: Join us next time on…

[Cut to the stage]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[The End]

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Star Wars Toy Commercial

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of Star Wars toys]

Male voice: New Start Wars: The Force Awakens toys and action figures are here.

Two kids: Cool!

Male voice: Are you ready to bring the adventure of Star Wars universe into your home?

Two kids: The force is with us.

[Two nerd adults walk in]

Bobby: And us.

Taran: Yeah! Us too.

Male voice: New action figures and play sets for ages six and up.

Three nerd adults: [holding the toys] Way up!

Male voice: Battle the evil Kylo Ren.

Kid: I’m gonna get you in my light saver.

Taran: Or leave it in the box!

Kid: Storm troopers, attack!

Bobby: Or leave them in the box and never touch them.

Male voice: All your favorite Star Wars heroes and villains.

Kid: I have Rey and Finn.

Kyle: I have three of each. One to display, one to open and one just in case.

Kid: Why?

Male voice: Nonstop Star Wars action. Like Chewbacca with a clip-on forest armor.

Kid: Time to suit up!

[Taran stops the id]

Taran: Or, just look at it! Radical!

Male voice: Launch into hyper-space with Battle Action Millennial Falcon with real movie sounds.

Bobby:  It’s completely movie accurate! [A kid is playing with his ship] No, what are you doing? [He takes the ship toy back and shows the kid] That’s not how it lands. It goes [making sound of ship] pssssss, arrrrrr, khssssssss, phssss, phssss.

Male voice: You control the force. You control the action.

[A kid is hitting two figures on each other]

Kyle: They don’t fight like that.

Kid: Yeah, just lid Dug Vador.

Kyle: [angry] Dug Vador?

Male voice: The power is in your hand.

[Taran is playing the toy while a kid is watching him]

Kid: Does your wife like toys too?

Male voice: Collect them all and the fun never stops.

[Bobby is cleaning his action figure to put it on the shelf for show, while three kids are watching him do that.]

Bobby: Awesome!

Male voice: Start Wars: The Force Awakens action figures. Each sold separately for children and adult collectors.

Kids: Star Wars!

[All the adults run in with their toys]

Adults: May force be with you!

[The End]

On The Record With Greta Van Susteren

Greta Van Susteren… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren intro]

Male voice: You’re watching On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren.

[Cut to Greta in her set]

Greta: Good evening, I’m Greta Van Susteren. Now, I’m gonna try this again now. She sells sea shells by the sea– no, I can’t do it. Tonight, Donald Trump has doubled down on his proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America. And some of them criticize the other GOP candidates for not condemning his comings more strongly. Joining me first in the studio is senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello Greta. Um, a friend of mine wanted to say hello to you. I think you’ve heard of him. He’s the US constitution.

[Cut to Greta and Ted Cruz]

Greta: Okay, senator. A lot of GOP primary voters agree with Trump and you need those also. Will you go on the record and condemn what Mr. Trump said?

Ted Cruz: Well Greta, [Cut to Ted Cruz] I am not afraid to take a stand on this. When I heard Donald Trump’s comments on Muslims, I said, “Wow…”

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: And we’re talking ‘Wow’ like, “Wow, that’s crazy!’ or ‘wow’ like “Oh, that’s a good idea”?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Exactly!

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: But Cruz, do you support ban on Muslims, yes or no?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, put simply, nyes.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Nyes? Is that no or a yes?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: [laughing] It is indeed.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay, we’re gonna come back to you senator. And joining us now via satellite is governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to split screen of Chris Christie and Greta]

Chris Christie: Hey, how you doing?

Greta: Yea, governor Christie, your reaction?

Chris Christie: Alright, look. [Cut to Chris Christie] This guy Trump is a clown, okay? He’s a total joke. The last thing anyone wants is some loud mouth bully from the tri-state area who hearls insult of people like a fat headed jabroni. Greta, look, I wanna make a very clear distinction. When Mr. Trump insults Muslims, those are not the values of the republican party. They’re simply the values of people who vote for the republican party. So in that sense and in that sense only, go Trump!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Greta]

Greta: Ya, but you don’t think we should block Muslims from entering?

Chris Christie: Yea. What we need to do is build a bridge between Muslims and Americans. [Cut to Chris Christie] Okay? But we have to make that bridge really hard to cross. You know? Like, really slow down the flow of traffic on the bridge until that son of a bitch for Fort Lee gets the message.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay. Finally, joining us from his campaign White Quarters in Virginia, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to split screen between Ben Carson and Greta]

Ben Carson: Hi, Greta. I just drank a Redbull and I am fired up about this. [Cut to Ben Carson] But first, can I just ask, what happened to me? I mean, when I left for the Middle East, I was tied for number one in the polls. When I came back a week later, everyone had forgotten about me. My campaign headquarters got cleared out and they’re turning it into an office for DraftKings.com. I mean, did I winkle myself? Have I been asleep for years?

[Cut to Ben Carson and Greta]

Greta: You have fallen quite a bit in the polls. And it seems like some are now questioning your foreign policy experience.

Ben Carson: Listen, but that’s why I went to visit the lovely country of Jordans.

Greta: Jordan.

Ben Carson: I met with the Sheits and the Heits.

Greta: That’s alright.

Ben Carson: And I talk to them all about radical groups. Humus, ISIS, even Outgator.

Greta: Oh, no. So, you think we should hit ISIS head on.

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: That’s right. Head on. Which is always also the first rule of brain surgery. Always leave the head on.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Well, that’s all the time we have. It seems like no one was willing to stand up to Mr. Trump and offer a full condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Did you say constitution?

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: No. I said condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, well you’re absolutely right, Greta. This is not a condom nation. This is a Christian nation.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Oh my gosh, my soul hurts. For On The Record, I’m Greta Van Susteren.

[The End]

Town Hall Meeting

David Stangle… Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Earl… Matthew McConaughey

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Rosco… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a hall having a presentation]

David: And um, let me just start off by saying that we at N-tracker are so excited to work with all of you here. Benson, we think you’ve got a great little town.

Bobby: Yeah, well we are very excited to hear your plan.

David: Oh, good, good, good. Well, I know some of you have some concerns but we do think that a high speed rail line can grow our state’s economy by about 20% in the next decade.

[Cut to Earl. He is wearing a leather jacket and he has long hair.]

Earl: Go home! Yeah, you! Keep your fancy numbers and your pie charts coz we’re not buying it!

[Cut to David]

David: Um, sir, we are very confident in the research that we’ve done.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh! Is that so, college?

[Cut to David]

David: My name is David Stangle.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: No, college. You’re college coz you stroll in here with your fancy degree and you think you own the place. Huh? Well I’m sorry, I didn’t go to college. My only credential is I love this town.

[Cut to David. Beck stands.]

Beck: Um, David, if I may. [turns to Earl] Let’s look at the numbers. Everyone turn to page two of the proposal.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Books brothers!

[Cut to David and Beck]

Beck: Now hold on, sir.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: No, you hold on books brothers. Hah! You stand there in your fancy suit and your $22 smile. Well I might not dress like you but this ain’t Park Avenue. This is Benson.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I gotta say Earl, I’ve studied this proposal and it could be big for this town.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, is that so? Little miss I know how to read!

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I do know. I know how to read.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, you think coz you can read those little squiggles on that page and turn them to words in your brain, that means something like you’re smarter than me?

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I wanna say yes.

Bobby: Earl, look, I respect your passion. But you know, I think we should just hear these folks out.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, is that what you think? Shoes!

[Cut to David, Bobby and Aidy]

David: Yeah! Um, why don’t we get back to the presentation. Now, as you can see this project could create 50 local jobs in the next year alone.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah, yeah. Save your breath real hand!

[Cut to David]

David: Real hand?

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah! [you can now see that Earl’s left hand is made out of plastic] You think coz you never got pissed drunk and slept on your own hand for two days till it died, that makes you some kind of expert? Hah! Let me think! Dah, no!

[Cut to Cecily and Beck]

Cecily: Earl, Earl, this train could be great for us. The chart doesn’t lie.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Well it so happens, I brought a chart of my own. Show them, Rosco.

[Rosco comes in showing a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine that they have ruined by making horns and mustache on it.]

Hah! What do you think of that?

[Cut to Beck and Cecily]

Cecily: I think you drew a Hitler mustache on top Thomas the Tank Engine.

[Cut to Cecily, Beck, David, Bobby, Aidy]

Bobby: Um, how about we just open this up to the rest of the town?

[Cut to Earl. Kenan stand up]

Kenan: Well yes, I’m very much in favor of this proposal.

Earl: Well, I bet you are Mr. never got hit or bit by a bat.

Kenan: Tell us more about that one.

Earl: Just coz you didn’t rampaging through a dark barn, hear a bunch of fluttering that you thought might be just a pretty lady, then you took your clothes off, got a pair of fangs right in the face and another in the pecker, you think that makes you better than me?

[Cut to David]

David: Yes! Everyone here is better than you.

[Cut to Earl and Kenan]

Earl: I- I- I can’t believe this. After all I’ve done to save this town.

[Cut to Cecily and Beck]

Cecily: No. You blocked the road with your snow plow coz you said the Age of Ultron was coming.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah, well hindsight 2020, nice rack!

[Cut to Beck and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! [looks at her breasts and blushes]

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Okay look, all in favor of the train coming through Benson?

[Everyone raises their hands]

All oppose?

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Boo!

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Motion passes. The train will come through Benson.

[cut to Earl looking disappointed]

Earl: Oh, fine! Fine! I wanna be the conductor.

[Cut to David]

David: Absolutely not.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Fine! I want a picture with the train.

[Cut to David]

David: Uff! Sure.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah? Yeah? You not lying?

David: No.

Earl: Yeah! [hits the table and looks at Kenan] We did it! High-five, huh? Ha-ha-ha. High-five, Rosco. Hay!

[Cut to the newspaper article headline “Ultron Invades Benson, He Took The Train”.]

[The End]

FOX & Friends: Syrian Refugee Crisis Cold Open

Steve Doocey… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Hasselback… Vanessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Carla… Leslie Jones

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching & friends.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian in their set]

Steve: Hello and welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocey and with me is usual Elizabeth Hasselback and Brian Kilmeade

Elizabeth: Hey there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, we are less than a week away from the big turkey day.

Elizabeth: That’s right. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, hey, no need to be politically correct. You can just say it the old fashioned way. “Happy thanksgiving, Jesus.”

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, the refugee situation over in the middle east may be even worse than we previously thought.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: That’s right. Look at this footage we at FOX have just obtained of a crazed mob of Syrian refugees flooding over our borders into this country.

[Cut to a chaotic video of people getting in a store]

Steve: Look at it, it’s chaos. There’s no screening. They’re just walking into that Walmart. They’re just taking anything they like.

[Cut to Steve. He is listening to his earpiece.]

Okay, I’m being told that’s not actually footage of refugees. It’s Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I think the point’s still stands.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: By the way, why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday? I’m just gonna come out and say it, all Fridays matter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: True. Very, very true. And with millions fleeing from ISIS, there has been plenty of debate over whether the US should allow any refugees in from Syria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, well, Syria has been nothing but good to me. Helps me all the time. [Brian takes his iPhone out and talks to Siri] Hey Syria, locate nearest bathroom.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, one person who seems just fine with the Syrians coming into this country is democratic national committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz who joins us now.

[Cut to Debbie in her office]

Debbie: Thank you Steve. Sorry I couldn’t be there but if I wanted crap shoved down my throat I’d be a fuagra goose.

[Cut to split screen of Elizabeth and Debbie]

Elizabeth: Schultz, you don’t think there should be more screening for refugees?

Debbie: Elizabeth, I’m from Florida. We’re full of refugees. We have Cubans escaping communism. We got Guatemalans escaping drug cartels. And we got old people escaping winter. That’s a Wasserman Schultz original.

[Steve appears in place of Elizabeth]

Steve: But Mr.s Schultz, I mean these are dangerous people.

Debbie: Oh, my god. You people and your genophobia. You make me so nuts. [Cut to Debbie] You know, when I wake up in the morning my hair is stick straight. Then I tune in for FOX news and it curls itself.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: But you must agree with senator Marco Rubio that it’s not that we aren’t compassionate, we just want to be safe.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Marco Rubio, huh? You need to tell that grown up alien Gonzalez to shut the hell up. Look, if the red states won’t take these refugees, I will. We’ll all live in one big house and they’ll make a reality show about it. 19,000 Syrians in counting. Wasserman Schultz out.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Well, Mrs. Schultz isn’t the only one with an opinion on the refugee situation.

Elizabeth: That’s right. [Cut to Elizabeth] many presidential candidates have also wayed in.] We have one of the leading contenders here with us tonight. Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Straight out of Compton.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no, no, Brian! That’s the wrong black doctor. You’re thinking of Dr. Dre. Hello Dr. Carson.

[Cut to Ben in his office]

Ben: Hello everyone. My apologies if I already seem agitated but I am just revved up about this. I would ask the views at home to turn their volume down because I might get crazy.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: Now doctor, you yourself have said we should carefully screen everyone coming into this country. Do you have a plan that would separate Muslims from Christian refugees.

Ben: Well, weeding out the Islamic would be simple. [Cut to Ben] First we’d say, “You can’t come into this country until I see you eat a bacon while singing a Christmas Carol.” Or all refugees will be given mad libs with a phrase, “Death to blank.” Anyone who writes America won’t be allowed inside America.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: Now, president Obama has decided to lead from behind on this. Isn’t that dangerous?

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Absolutely. Extremists are entering this country everyday. I mean, open your eyes president Obama. It’s enough to make me wanna flip my top.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: I gotta say Dr. Carson, you seem pretty calm sir.

Ben: Oh, I’m like a koala bear. On the outside I may seem nice but on the inside, I’ve never held elected office.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You know what? Why don’t we take a break. But before we do go, let’s check in with our FOX news fact checker. Carla, how did we do?

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Bad! Y’all gonna have me up all night.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fair enough, Carla. We’ll see you after the break and…

Steve, Elizabeth and Brian: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Uber For Jen

Jen… Elizabeth Banks

Tyler… Mike O’Brien

Beck Bennett

Tyler’s wife… Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with ‘Mike O’Brien Picture’ video bumper]

[Cut to a woman entering a car]

Jen: Uber for Jen?

[Tyler looks back at Jen]

Did you get my destination. I’m going to 91st in Amsterdam. You’re kind of going in an insane route. Just make the next left. Just coming up right here, and you missed it. Okay, it’s cool, you can just take the next left. And left… oh, missed it. Um, is this Uber for Jen? Do you speak English?

[Tyler stops by a drive through]

Tyler: Can I get a number two combo, no pickles?

Jen: And a peach banana smoothie, grande?

[The drive through passes the packed food to Tyler]

Tyler: Great, thank you.

[The drive through passes the smoothie to Jen, but Tyler drives away and the smoothie falls down.]

Jen: So not cool. Okay, neither one of us wants to give the other a bad rating. So, let’s just be focused. My phone says your best bait is take a U-turn right up here and go back 20 miles. So we’re gonna make a U-turn right… you missed it. Is this an Uber for Jen? U-turn. U-turn.

[Cut to Tyler and Beck in a meeting]

Beck: I’m sorry Mr. Tyler but we can’t help you with the house that’s that expensive. If you and Mrs. Tyler…

[Jen is sitting beside Tyler]

Tyler: Oh, she is not my wife.

Jen: Ah! I’m Jen. 91st in Amsterdam.

Beck: Oh, yeah, makes more sense. You said your wife was nine months pregnant.

Tyler: Yeah, she is.

Jen: She is? Oh!

[Cut to Jen and Tyler shopping for the baby, having ice cream, taking selfies and spending time together.]

Clueless or mean girls?

Tyler: [looking back] Oh, that’s tough.

Jen: [scared] Oh my god!

[the car hits someone]

Tyler: Oh, my god. Oh, I think I just hit a dude.

[Cut to Jen and Tyler getting rid of the dead body in an alley]

Jen: Oh, my god!

[Tyler stops the car in hurry]

[A turtle is slowly crossing the road]

Tyler: Close call.

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting in the car]

Tyler’s wife: Oh my god. I think my water just broke.

[Jen is looking at Tyler’s wife while Tyler’s wife is screaming while Tyler is driving.]

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting off the car with a baby and waving goodbye to Jen and Tyler]

[Tyler’s wife gives birth to a baby in the car]

Jen: Oh, 91st in Amsterdam. Hey, my friend actually lives here. How did you know?

Tyler: The app shows me where to go.

Jen: So you are my Uber driver.

Tyler: Yeap.

Jen: Cool, thanks. Bye.

Tyler: Bye.

[Tyler rates Jen only three stars.]

[Dan gets in the car]

Dan: Hey, Uber for Dan? Take a left up here. Yep, just right up here. And… left. Ha-ha. Dammit! That was the…

[Cut to credit scene]

[Directed by Matt and Oz]

The Bureau and the Pervert

Doug… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Arnold… Bobby Moynihan

Abby Langly… Elizabeth Banks

Marcus Duke… Jay Pharoah

Becky… Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts in a movie studio. Everyone is preparing for the shooting.]

Doug: Alright everyone, let’s shoot this thing.

[Sasheer walks in with Arnold]

Sasheer: Doug, this is Arnold Bagster. He won the walk on role.

Doug: Oh, yes. Hi, I’m Doug the director. Welcome.

Arnold: Oh, thank you. This is so cool.

Doug: Everyone, this is Arnold Bagster and he bid, um… how much?

Arnold: $3,000.

Doug: $3,000 and won the part of clothing store customer. Let’s give him a hand.

[everybody clapping and cheering for Arnold]

Arnold: Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a charity auction for arts education. So for a good cause.

[Abby and Marcus walks in. Doug walks out.]

Abby: Wow, is this the big spender right here?

Arnold: Wow, oh my gosh. Abby Langly. And you’re Marcus Duke.

Marcus: That’s right.

[They shake hands]

Arnold: I am such a fan of the show.

Marcus: Well, us too. Welcome to The Bureau.

Arnold: Ah!

[Cut to Doug and Arnold]

Doug: So Arnold, did anybody tell you about the scene at all?

Arnold: Um, no. All I know is I’m supposed to say, “Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?” I’ve been practicing.

Doug: Perfect! Real easy stuff. Stand right here, and after I call action, you say your line to our employee Becky here. [Becky walks in]

Becky: Hi.

Doug: Then Marcus and Abby come in and say a few lines. Sound good?

Arnold: Yeah. That sounds great.

[Sasheer walks in and puts a coat on Arnold]

Sasheer: Wardrobe flying in for the talent.

Arnold: Oh, talent? I’ve never been called that before.

Doug: Okay, let’s shoot this. Have fun Arnold.

Arnold: Okay.

[Cut to everybody. Doug walks away.]

Marcus: Hey, good luck, man.

[Abby and Marcus walk away too]

[Jon walks in with the clapperboard.]

Jon: The Bureau, scene 1-C, take one.

Arnold: This is so cool.

[Jon walks out]

Doug: Okay, we set? And action.

Arnold: Um, excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Becky: Oh, they’re just down the hall and to the left there.

[Abby and Marcus walk in pointing a gun at Arnold]

Abby: [yelling] You’re not going anywhere you sick son of a bitch.

[Everyone else leaves]

Marcus: [showing his police badge] Hands up, pervert!

[Arnold raises his both hands]

Abby: You’ve been a busy boy, Nicholas. Or should I call you the Grooville Peeping Tom?

[Abby pulls out a sketch of Arnold out]

Oh, yeah. The sketch artist did a great job. Looks exactly like you, right down to your pervert eyes.

Marcus: Yeah, now let’s search his pockets.

[Marcus pulls out a pink bathing suit out of Arnold’s coat that Sasheer put on him]

Oh! What have we here? A teenager’s bathing suit.

Abby: What kind of man gets his jolly sniffing one pieces?

[Cut to close shot of Arnold’s face looking worried]

This man!

[Cut to everybody]

[Becky walks in]

Becky: Shame on you sir. You are a monster. I hate you!

[Becky runs away]

Abby: By the way, forensics took a little trip to your apartment. What’s this I hear about a scarf made from teenager’s hair? Put this creep in bracelets.

[Marcus pulls Arnold’s hands to handcuff him]

Arnold: Ou! Ou!

Abby: How about one for the road?

[Abby puts the bathing suit in Arnold’s mouth]

[Doug walks in]

Doug: Cut! Great! Great stuff. Wow, Arnold. I mean those reactions were so natural.

Arnold: Oh my god, I told so many people about this.

Marcus: Hey man, the star is born.

Abby: I mean, quit that day job, bud. What do you do?

Arnold: Middle-school principal. Look, so is this definitely gonna be in the show?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. Kicks off the episode. Pretty awesome, huh? So we just need to grab a few promo spots with you.

Arnold: I’m sorry, what’s happening?

Abby: Oh, it’s just some quick ads for the show. You just look right into the camera. alright?

Arnold: Alright?

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi Delta passengers. We hope you’re enjoying your free and flight TV. We just busted this nasty pervert.

Abby: To see how, check out The Bureau, available to watch on today’s flight.

Doug: And cut.

Arnold: Oh, my god. My parents fly Delta.

Doug: Let’s do a TV spot.

Arnold: Wait, can you guys say that I’m playing a pervert or something please?

Abby: Oh, yeah.

Marcus: Sure, sure, sure.

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi, this man is a dirty pervert.

Abby: And it’s our job to stop him. The Bureau is up next, but first enjoy the Superbowl.

Doug: And cut.

[Arnold is shook]

Arnold: Wait, this is gonna air during the Superbowl?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: No, no, no, no, no. The promo will air right before the Superbowl. Your episode will air right after.

[Cut to Arnold, Abby and Marcus]

Arnold: So, a lot of people are gonna see this.

[Abby and Marcus laughing]

Abby: This guy.

Marcus: He’s got the bug, man. Hollywood to the bone.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: And that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[Cut to everybody]

Abby: Whooo! Great job.

[Jon comes with a huge board handing it over to Arnold]

Jon: And we have a little parting gift for you.

Abby: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, we shot a scene where we search our character’s apartment and this was a prop from the set.

[The board has Arnold’s photo wearing a girl’s swimsuit.]

The whole cast signed it.

Arnold: Wait, so this picture is gonna be on TV? I never posed for this picture.

Doug: Oh, we used your wardrobe fitting photo. The guys in the art department are wizards with that Photoshop.

Abby: Yeah, hey, you can hang it in your office at the middle school.

Arnold: No, thank you.

Doug: Well, thanks so much Arnold. And hey, keep an eye out. You might pop on an ad or two.

[Cut to Time Square where Arnold’s picture with ‘Pervert’ written on it is used for the ad.]

[The End]

Aron’s List

Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list.  Because the real crime is high prices.