Tag: Cecily Strong

Diner Lobster

Waiter… John Mulaney

Waitress… Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Chris Red

Lobster… Kenan Thompson

Clausette… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Pete and Chris in Big Nick’s Greek Diner for a meal.]

Waiter: Did you two order yet?

Pete: No.

Chris: No.

Waiter: Did you two carve gang signs into the baby changing station?

Pete and Chris: Yeah.

Waiter: Alright. What do you want to eat?

Chris: Yeah. I’ll have the grilled cheese deluxe and can I get a salad instead of the fries, please?

Waiter: Yeah. Sure thing. One grilled cheese, vagina style. Great! How about you, Pal?

Pete: You know what? I’ll have the lobster

[Waiter is shocked]

Waiter: Excuse me?

Pete: The lobster special.

Chris: Did you just order a lobster in a diner?

Pete: Yeah. Why?

Chris: Because it’s a diner. No one orders lobster in a diner. The whole seafood section is on the menu as a joke, man. I mean, seafood! The word ‘seafood’ is in quotes.

Pete: I’m in the mood for lobster, okay? I won my lawsuit against bumble for getting zero matches. And I wanna celebrate.

Waiter: But the lobster, you sure that you want the lobster?

Pete: I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s on the menu. I’ll have the damn lobster.

Chris: Just don’t do it.

Waiter: [in sad voice] As you wish. Alright, everyone, the time has come. We’ve got an order here for one lobster.

[music playing]

[A huge aquarium is pulled out of curtains. There is Kenan dressed as a lobster inside.]

Kenan: [singing] Who am I?
and why am I condemned to boil alive?
when all that I have done is live my life

Waiter: And why would someone on a whim
choose from all to order him

[pointing at Pete] Who’s this guy?

[Pete is laughing hard]

Kenan: I thought that there was an unspoken rule
that lobster in a diner is never cool
a diner’s menu is way too long
and half the things are way too wrong

[Waitress is standing behind Pete and Chris. She surprises them by singing.]

Waitress: Must he die
how can you ever face his lobster friends?
how can you ever face yourself again?

monster

Kenan: I’ve lived here 40 years, I know
an age that lobsters never grow
and in that time there’s been no one to order any crustaceans

Who am I?

Waiter, Kenan and Waitress: Lobster number one.

[Chris is clapping for them]

Chris: I mean, you can’t eat the lobster now, man! They just sang their song, bro.

Waiter: I’m sorry, dude. I’m more of a mean girls guy. [winks at the camera] On broadway now.

Chris: Wait, what’s happening right now?

[a girl lobster walks in]

Clausette: Papa?

Kenan: Clausette? Oh, what are you doing here?

Clausette: There’s something I wanted to tell you, papa.

[music playing]

[singing] Father now they want you dead
let me go in your place instead
whether it’s boiled, steamed or blacked
Off to the great tank in the sky

Kenan: No, Clausette. I can’t make you do that. It’s not your time. It’s mine.

Clausette: [weeping] I love you, papa.

Kenan: Oh, I love you too. Now, run. Run from this place.

[Clausette runs out]

Chris: Oh, the little baby lobster man! Just change your order, dude!

Pete: Hey! They put it on the menu. I’m calling their bluff.

Waiter and Kenan: Form the barricade.

Chris: Wait, there’s a barricade?

[two people pull out a cart full of lobster cages]

Pete: This diner has incredible set design.

Waiter: [singing] Will you join in our crusade to keep the lobster from the pot?
Waitress: Will you drop the massacre raid and give him a shot?

Kenan: Then join in the pipe that will give us the right to be free

[Four other performs walk in dancing]

All: Do you hear the lobster scream
screaming the scream of scalding flames
it is a screaming of a lobster

[pointing at Pete. He is dancing to the song.] And this dummy’s here to blame

When the churning in your bowels
matches the burning of his shell
you’ll know why lobster in a diner never sell

Lobsters, you don’t order them in diners.

Pete: Alright. Alright. Alright. Forget he lobster. I’ll have the tuna melt instead.

Everyone: Yay!

Warehouse Fire

Chief… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Cooper… Chris Redd

Daniels… Chadwick Boseman

[Starts with firefighters working at a burning scene.]

Chief: Alright. What’s the situation?

Beck: We can’t get it out of control, sir. Our initial attack did nothing.

Chief: Alright. Let’s get these lines recharged and ready to hit it again. Is everybody out?

Cecily: Yeah. We made a complete sweep of the building. There is no one else in there.

Chief: Alright. Well then, let’s put this thing out. Cooper, you’re on master street. The rest of you back on. Let’s go.

Cooper: You got it, chief.

Chief: Hey, wait, wait. Daniels, where are you going?

Daniels: Home. It’s six. I said I have to leave at six.

Chief: For god’s sake, Daniels, you can’t go home. There’s a fire.

Daniels: I squirted it before anybody else did. I squirted it. And now it’s six and I have to go.

[others are squirting the water.]

Beck: Chief, we need more water incoming from the top.

Chief: Daniels, get on that ladder and do you job.

Daniels: My job was to squirt it and I did. Now, I’m getting out of my fireman outfit and I’m going home. It’s six.

Cooper: What happens at six?

Daniels: I prepare for tonight.

Chief: What’s the night?

Daniels: I’m keeping it vague on purpose, okay? Okay? Is that okay? Just know that it is very important to me. It is dream that is coming real tonight.

[blast]

Beck: The second floor just went down.

Chief: Ah! Come on, Daniels! Get in there.

Daniels: No, no, no. This is for me and I need this and I’m getting it. I will squirt twice as much water tomorrow on whatever you want.

Cecily: What is this thing you’re doing tonight? Just tell us.

Daniels: I said I don’t wanna say. But here’s a hint. It involves dogs and dolls.

Cooper: Wait. Dogs and dolls?

Daniels: Don’t worry about it. Just know that if everything goes great tonight, I won’t have to work here ever again.

Chief: Wait. Dogs and dolls are a money maker thing?

Daniels: Um, yeah. The investors told me I might be looking at billions of dollars by the end of June. My squirting days are numbered.

Beck: Hey, is it a line of gorgeous China baby dolls riding Lhasa Apsos?

Daniels: No. Maybe. Shut up. I’m getting out of here before you guess it.

[blast]

Chief: Come on. Just put out the fire, Daniels.

Daniels: Oh, my god. I will squirt exactly one more time and then I have to go.

Chief: Alright.

[Daniels pulls out the firehose, squirts water for few seconds and throws it away.]

Daniels: Okay, I did it.

Chief: Daniels, finish the job!

Daniels: I won’t. I won’t do it. This is how important these life sized dolls mean to me.

Cooper: Okay, okay, the life sized. That’s a clue.

Chief: Stop trying to guess his thing and squirt out and put out the fire, dammit!

Beck: Oh! I know what it is. They are life sized sex dolls with dog faces so that you can have sex with a dog person for once.

Cecily: What? Is that what it is? Like, sexy dolls with a puppy dog face?

Beck: Not puppy dogs. Handsome adult dogs.

Daniels: Oh, my god! No. They are life sized dolls that are identical to you. So when you leave home, your dog doesn’t know it. And you can talk to them using the dolls mouth using the CB radio.

Cooper: A CB radio? Not like an app through your phone?

Daniels: I don’t know. This is why I wanted to leave at six so I could iron everything before the presentation. Stop squashing my dreams.

Chief: Daniels. They already make a thing like that. Look, I have one in my truck with my dog Freckles right now.

[Cut to a dalmation sitting beside a life sized doll. But it looks nothing like a Chief. It doesn’t even look like a real person.]

Hey, Freckles. How is everything going in the truck?

Daniels: Wow. Looks exactly like it. I guess my priorities have been all wrong. So, what was that thing you said? Sex dolls with dog faces? I’m gonna switch and go with that.

[Daniels walks away]

Beck: Hey, Daniels, you’re walking into the fire.

Chief: It’s alright. Let him go.

Cooper: Really?

Chief: Yeah. Let him go.

Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro]

[Cut to “Outnumbered” intro]

[Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree]

[Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Aidy B & Cardi B

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Cardi B

[Starts with Aidy, Kate and Cecily talking in SNL office]

Kate: Oh, my god. I can’t stop listening to Cardi B’s new album.

Cecily: Yes. It’s so good. I’m so excited she’s here.

Aidy: I’m obsessed.

Cecily: I love how assertive and bold she is. She just like, says whatever she’s thinking.

Aidy: I know. And I think I need to be more like Cardi B.

[Kyle and Beck walk in]

Kyle: Hey, what are you girls doing? Having girl time?

Beck: Yes. Should we come back?

Aidy: What did you say?

Beck: Oh, we just don’t want to interrupt your girl time.

Aidy: [speaking like Cardi B] Oh, well, why don’t you shut your hoe ass up? I’m sick of you hating ass hoes always got something slick to say. Just remember I’m a boss and you a worker you goofy bitch!

Kate: Aidy?

Aidy: Ah! Nah, hoe. [to Kyle and Beck] You need to watch your mouth. I’m from The Bronx. I don’t play that [bleep]. [to Kate and Cecily] Come on. [the girls walk out]

Kyle: Is Aidy actually from The Bronx?

Beck: She’s from North Central Phoenix.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy with Chris in costume room]

Chris: Hey, you talked to Chadwick yet? He’s super cool.

Aidy: No. I’m weirdly nervous to meet him.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Coz he’s the Black Panther and I loved the movie and he is very cool and I am very lame.

Chris: You are not lame. Come on

[Chadwick Boseman walks in]

Chadwick: What’s up, Chris?

Chris: What’s up? How do you feel? You good? You know Aidy Bryant, right?

Chadwick: Of course. Oh, my god. I’m a big fan of your’s.

Aidy: [talking like Cardi B] Yeah. I’m not afraid of you bitch.

Chadwick: What’s that?

Aidy: What? Errr! Ooh! Actually, I’m sure you’re used to all these other little bitches being afraid of you but I am not scared, okay? I’m a rider or die, bitch. You see that rock? [showing her engagement ring] Yeah, that actually means I give Conor that very good puddy, okay? I can picture so good that I be screaming my own name during sex. Oh, prrrr.

[Aidy walks out. Chadwick and Chris look at each other all confused.]

Chadwick: That’s how you let white girls talk to you around here?

Chris: Only Aidy B. I’m not proud of that.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy on the table trying to do the sexy dance like Cardi B. The staffs are looking at her.]

Kenan: Dude, what the hell is going on with Aidy?

Mikey: I think she’s empowered.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy walking out. A woman walks to her.]

Woman: Hey, Aidy. Could you do a quick shoutout for SNL’s instagram?

Aidy: Oh, yeah. Of course. [The woman hands over a phone to Aidy.] Okay, so what should I say?

Woman: Say something to the fans.

Aidy: Okay. [Aidy starts taking selfie video. She’s speaking like Cardi B.] Ah! Stop asking me about the show. The cast sucks, the writers are stupid, I [bleep] them all, they were boring. So, live from The Bronx, y’all can shut the [bleep] up.

[talking normally again] And then I– I’m sorry. Do I hit the send?

Woman: [shocked] Yeah. That was good.

Aidy: Yay!

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy in Cardi B’s changing room]

Aidy: Cardi, your music has changed my life. You’ve honestly inspired me to just say what’s on my mind. So, thank you.

Cardi B: You know, I do it for my fans.

Aidy: And I am a fan. But maybe also your best friend. We’re pretty much the same.

Cardi B: Um, can you please get me some water? [speaking softly] I’ma a little worried.

Aidy: Oh, sure. Unless you want me to stay.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: I have a lot of very short songs that I’ve written.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: [singing] Subs are good but I prefer pizza, honey.

Cardi B: Okay. Just go.

Aidy: Okay. But before I go, [showing her high heels] these is bloody shoes, coz they’re giving me the worst days of my life.

Cardi B: Just get the [bleep] out of here.

Aidy: Call me.

Cardi B: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Aidy walks out]

Aidy: Aidy B and Cardi B, best friends.

The Californians- Replacing Rosa

Kate McKinnon

Devin… Bill Hader

Stuart… Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Male voice: Next on “The Californians.”

[Cut to Kate walking inside a house]

Kate: [talking on the phone] No. I’m at the property. I recognized it right away from the Bouganvia from the Cascading over the security gate. But no one’s here.

Devin: I am. [Kate is shocked] Sorry to startle you.

Kate: that’s okay. I love these beautiful beach wood floor.

Devin: Rosa cleaned them with California Meyer lemons. I miss Rosa. Look how smart she was. [Devin shows a picture of Rosa]

Kate: Oh. So what happened to Rosa anyway? Why would she give up this primo made gig?

Devin: Well, if you wanna know the truth.

Kate: Um-hmm. Tell me.

[Stuart comes in]

Stuart: Devin! What are you doing here and what were you about to say?

Devin: You weren’t here, Stuart. So, I had to show your new maid around.

Kate: I’m not a maid. I’m an estate manager from Marina, LA.

Stuart: Sorry, I’m late. Traffic run LAX was insane because Trump is in town. I drove my convertible Corvette up Sepulveda, took it to Sentinela, turned down on La Brea, took it all the way straight.

Devin: Well, you would have been on time if you had took culvar to the one, then turned right on sunset. That’s what it says to do on Google Maps.

Stuart: Devin, I use Ways.

Devin: That’s why you ended up in Englewood, bro. Ways isn’t always right, Stuart.

Stuart: Yes, it is, Devin! I love Ways.

Devin: Google Maps gives you traffic updates, Stuart.

Kate: Wait. I’m sorry. So, why did Rosa decide to leave?

Stuart: I can’t think about that right now. I have my Athleisure wear launch.

Devin: Rosa was deported.

[Everybody is dramatic making faces]

[They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves]

[Cut to “The Californians” intro]

Male voice: “The Californians.”

[Cut to four people hanging out]

Stuart: Thank you all for coming to my launch party.

Kenan: To Stuart’s new Athleisure wear.

Alex: Cheers to West Coast fit. I’m ready to invest.

Cecily: And Stuart, I’m so excited to be your company model. I can’t wait to wear your Athleisure on my Sunrise [gibberish] beach.

Stuart: Sumner, you’ve got the perfect look for that West Coast fit.

Kenan: Stuart, this party is a hit. Nothing could ruin it, man.

[Devin walks in]

Devin: Oh, yeah? What if I told everybody your wife left for a marine biologist in Fresno?

Stuart: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Devin. You’re drunk on that California sparkling rosé.

Devin: I’m not drunk to know that she got in her Prius hybrid and drove straight up the five towards 99 North then took exit onethirtyone.

Cecily: Exit onethirtyone? That’s the aquarium in Fresno.

Devin: She did it to get away from you, Stuart.

[emotional music playing in background]

Stuart: I just want to run away up the one-ten. On the shoulder.

[Pete walks in. He has long hair and is wearing brown leather jacket.]

Pete: I have something to say.

Devin: Who are you?

Pete: I’m Rosa’s long lost son. She told me my father would be here. His name is Devin?

Devin: [making dramatic face] What?

Pete: What is with that accent? Where are you guys from?

Stuart: We’re from California.

Pete: Well, I’m from Encino and I’ve never heard anything like that before.

[Again, everybody is making dramatic faces]

[They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves]

[Cut to “The Californians” outro]

Irish Dating Show

Aden Kilkenny… Beck Bennett

Nial… Bill Hader

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Molly… Aidy Bryant

Diobhan… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Hi there, you’re watching Ireland One, the only channel on telly not controlled by the bleeding British. Next up, it’s our number one dating show, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

[Cut to Aden Kilkenny walking to the game stage]

Aden Kilkenny: Hi. Welcome to Kiss Me I’m Irish. I’m your host Aden Kilkenny. Today, one fellow will choose between three Irish roses to see which one smells the sweetest. Let’s meet our Danny boy.

Nial: [strong Irish accent] I’m called Nial. I’m from Dangle. My favorite food is gray. My claim to fame is that I’ve punched Bono in the back of the head. At least I think it was Bono.

Aden Kilkenny: Better be safe than sorry. And what kind of girl re you hoping to meet?

Nial: Not to be too picky but a gal I suppose. Unmarried.

Aden Kilkenny: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve got three of them behind that wall there. Each one is beautiful as their skin is bright red under their makeup. Let’s meet them.

Eileen: [strong Irish accent] Hi. I’m Eileen. I’m a good catholic girl which means I love god and god hates me coz I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.

Molly: Hi, I’m Molly. I’m Irish American. But I live over here because I’m studying stones. And if you follow this rainbow, you might get a pot of gold.

Diobhan: [strong Irish accent] I’m Siobhan. I’m from Dylan. I’ve got 35 suspicious freckles in my body. But I’m looking for a guy to check the ones I can’t see.

Nial: I’ve got a cousin Siobhan from Dylan. Siobhan O’Conor.

Diobhan: Ay! That’s me.

Nial: Is it now? What are the chances?

Molly: Cousins? Well, it sounds like my chances just got a little better.

Aden Kilkenny: What are you saying, Nial? First impression of the girls?

Nial: Well, number three is my cousin. So, she is definitely off to an early lead. The contestants one and two, I’m open to learn more about you.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, seems like there’s some competition. Nial, what’s your first question?

Nial: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl who knows her way around the kitchen. Number three, what would you make me for supper?

Molly: Um, wait. The cousin is still playing?

Diobhan: That’s easy. I’d make our Nana’s famous pope’s pie. I know how much you loved it as a kid.

Nial: Great answer.

Eileen: I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

Molly: I know. Right? Like, what is going on?

Eileen: She’s got such a leg upon us coz they’re cousins. How are we supposed to compete with that?

Molly: Okay. That was not what I was gonna say.

Aden Kilkenny: Alright. Settle down. Plenty of bachelors on the show. I’ve picked a girl other than their non-cousins.

Nial: Trust me. One and two, you’re very much both still in the game. Which brings me to the next question. Contestant one, where would you take me on your first dte?

Eileen: Well, that’s easy. I’d take you to my favorite pub up in Dylan, the Stone Bone. The drinks are free and we can stay past closed coz I know the owner. He’s my dad.

Nial: I know the owner too. He’s my uncle. Eileen, it’s me, your cousin Nial.

Eileen: Handsome Nial?

Nial: St. John’s ghost, this game just got a lot more competitive.

Molly: Wait, more competitive? You’re related. The game should be over.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, I’m afraid. You’re in tough spot, Molly. Very rarely does the bachelor pick the non-cousin when there are two cousins in the running. Alright, you lucky boy. Next question.

Nial: Ladies, what’s your idea of a romantic evening? Let’s start with contestant number two.

Molly: I guess dinner with a guy who isn’t related to me?

Nial: Picky picky. How about you, contestant number one?

Eileen: My idea of romantic evening would be weddings, funerals and holy communions coz that’s when I get to see you.

[Audience going ‘Aww’]

Molly: Wait, the audience likes that?

Nial: Contestant number three, your turn. What’s your idea of romantic evening?

Diobhan: Oh, I think you remember. Three good Fridays ago, an alley behind the fish mongers.

Nial: Oh. That I do. That I do.

Molly: Ew! So you already hooked up with your cousin?

Diobhan: Calm down. We didn’t have sex. We just had sex. We didn’t get married or nothing.

Molly: Ew! Is this common here? Aren’t you guys worried about like, deformities from inbreeding?

Nial: What? Like bird bones? Soft skull? Strawberry nose? Tic-tac teeth? Brown blood? One big toe? Great advice, but you’re about 500 years too late.

Eileen: You see, that’s why I always had a crush on him coz he’s got it going on up here. [pointing at the forehead. She has a deformed hand.]

Molly: Okay. I’m gonna stay but only because I’m morbidly curious about who is gonna win.

[choir sound]

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, that sound means father Mike is coming to hear a confession. So, its time for us to take a quick break. I’m Aden Kilkenny, and we’ll be right back.

Girlfriends Game Night

Aidy Bryant

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Genie… Cecily Strong

Horace… Bill Hader.

[Starts with three ladies waiting for

Aidy: What time is it? Is Genie still coming?

Anna: I just got a text. She’s saying they’re in the elevator.

Melissa: They? Oh, my god.

Aidy: Wait. Is she bringing her boyfriend?

Anna: His name is Horace and they’re married. Remember?

Melissa: Does she go anywhere without him? It’s just so weird.

Anna: You just think it’s weird because he’s an older man. Oh, shh. I think–

[Genie walks in. Horace is following her in on an automatic wheelchair. He is bald on top and has white hair on side and back. He is wearing a blanket and an old man sweater. He is very old.]

Genie: Hi. Hi. Sorry, we’re late. It’s been a chaotic week. Horace’s sons are suing me again. Horace, where are you going? To the– [Horace goes straight and hits the wall] Oh! Horace, be careful. You are being such a dude right now. [to her friends] Men. How do we, ladies? Speaking of, Anna, how was your honeymoon?

Anna: Oh. Paris was amazing.

Genie: Horace, they went to Paris. Anna went to Paris.

Horace: Uh-huh.

Aidy: That’s so romantic.

Genie: You know, Horace used to live in Paris during World War II. He can speak fluent French. Horace, speak some French.  Horace, speak some French to them.

Horace: No. [laughing]

Genie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Comedian. Right. Because ‘No’ is the same in French. You know, you’re laughing at your joke more than anyone else as usual.

[Horace is moving his shoulder like he’s laughing]

Aidy: Is he still laughing? Is maybe something wrong?

Genie: No. No. He is just tickled. Don’t encourage him.

Anna: Are you sure he’s okay?

Genie: Yes. Just let him have his laughing phase. Are you done?

Horace: Okay.

Anna: So? Are we gonna play Uno or what?

Aidy: Yes! Let’s do it.

Horace: I’m ready.

Aidy: Oh! Is Horace playing?

Horace: Genie, it’s here now?

Genie: It is? Like, right now? Oh, that’s inconvenient.

Melissa: What’s here?

Genie: Oh. He’s got a– You guys know how we’re trying to get pregnant. We’ve been working with the specialists. We’re doing all these treatments. Yada-yada-yada. His cialis kicked in.

Horace: It’s here. Let’s go.

Anna: Wait. What are you doing?

Genie: Well, we just have to take advantage when it’s here. Just, you know.

[Genie takes the blanket and sits on Horace’s lap]

Melissa: Why?

Genie: Hey, don’t worry. I have this courtesy blanket so you won’t see anything.

[Horace is shouting]

Melissa: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that here.

Horace: Oh, it’s a good one.

Genie: We have to. You guys know how bad I want a baby.

Aidy: Oh my god. You can’t do that old man here.

Horace: Oh, yeah. Look out.

Genie: Guys. It’s like breast feeding in public, okay? It’s about accomplishing a task. It’s not a sexual thing.

Anna: Alright. But sex is a sexual thing.

Genie: No, Anna, believe me, okay? This is all by the numbers. It’s science. It’s clinical. It’s boring.

Aidy: Okay. Well, can you at least use the bedroom?

Anna: Don’t offer my bedroom. I sleep in there.

Genie: Guys, guys, it’s nothing. I can talk and chew gum at the same time. You know what? Let’s just play. Horace, can you move me closer to the table? [Horace takes them to the table on his automatic wheelchair.] Slow, Horace. [They push the table far away] Slow. Horace. Horace, slow. Horace.

Aidy: Where are my cards? Okay, I will go first I guess.

Horace: Oh, yeah!

Genie: My cards are terrible.

Horace: Oh, yeah.

Anna: You know what? I’m sorry. You know what? I just– I can’t do this.

Horace: You can change your cards if you want.

Anna: No. Not the game. You and your husband doing that.

Genie: You guys, seriously. You know how important being a mom is to me.

Melissa: I know that. And I’m trying to not see what I’m seeing. But I think this is making it to the point where I can never look at you again.

Genie: Oh, my god. Okay. Does everyone feel that way?

Aidy: Actually, yeah.

Genie: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we will leave. Come on, Horace. Wow! [Genie and Horace move to the door on the wheelchair.] Slow. Slow. Horace.

Horace: You know what? No.

[Horace moves the wheelchair backwards pushing the table and everything.]

You know what? You should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman is your friend. She always dreamed of being a mom. It’s been a very difficult journey for her and she needs your support. If you can’t give her that, then you’re not a kind friend.

Genie: Oh!

Anna: Yeah.

Aidy: You’re right.

Melissa: We are sorry.

Anna: Yeah. You’re gonna make a excellent mother.

[Horace starts screaming]

Genie: Horace?

[The End]

CBC Report

Interviewer… Cecily Strong

Thomas Logan… Bill Hader

Actress… Heidi Gardner

Win Butler

Régine Chassagne

Richard Reed Parry

William Butler

Tim Kingsbury

Jeremy Gara

[Starts with video clips of Toronto cities.]

Male voice: Tonight on CBC News Hour. The #MeToo movement that started in Hollywood has now reached Canadian shores. As new accusations of sexual misconduct are made against Toronto producer, Thomas Logan. Once considered the biggest movie mogul in the north is now being called “Canadian Harvey Weinstein.”

[Cut to Thomas Logan’s interview]

Thomas Logan: Yeah. I’ve heard all these accusations against me and I’m here to say it’s all true. I definitely abuse my power. Yes.

Interviewer: Why don’t you tell the folks at home what you did exactly?

Thomas Logan: Yeah. You know, I have this assistant. And I was real inappropriate. Saying stuff like, “You look nice today,” or “What kind of sunglasses are those?” You know, really pestering her. You know. So, she got ticked and I just went ahead and resigned.

[Cut to pictures of Thomas Logan with the celebrities]

Male voice: Logan now exposed as a monster by Canadian standards has taken his name off some of his greatest hits. Movies like, “Y’ Don’t Say,” “It Happened At Tim Hortons,” and “Dave, the Dave Thomas Story” starring Dave Foley. Watch as the disgraced moguls confronted by his victims.

[Cut to Thomas Logan sitting beside Actress]

Actress: Yeah. So, I’m minding my own when Thomas walks in and says, “That’s a nice sweater you got there.” And I’m thinking, “That’s a bit forward.”

Thomas Logan: As soon as I realized, I said I was sorry.

Actress: Oh, yeah, yeah. He said he was sorry.

Thomas Logan: So, I got HR and I say sorry. I gotta say that I really put boot in this time. And HR lady says, “No. I’m sorry. I should have seen this coming.” So, I resigned and then she resigned.

Actress: And I resigned too coz I was just so sorry about how it turned out.

[Cut to pictures of Thomas Logan with his friends]

Male voice: Watch as his close collaborators process the fact that they’ve been working with a monster. As Canadian super group ‘Arcade Fire’ shares their sordid story.

[Cut to ‘Arcade Fire’ being interviewed]

Win Butler: Yeah. I don’t really know the fella. But I guess we did a soundtrack for him once.

Interviewer: And are you sorry you did that, Win?

Win Butler: Oh, yeah. Real sorry.

Interviewer: And the rest of you? Régine?

Régine Chassagne: I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Richard Reed Parry

Richard Reed Parry: Oh, I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Hmm. William Butler?

William Butler: Not Canadian but still sorry.

Interviewer: Tim Kingsbury? Timmy?

William Butler: I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Jeremy?

Jeremy Gara: Drums.

Win Butler: We were saying sorry.

Jeremy Gara: Sorry. Yeah. I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Well, I’m sorry guys. We have to wrap this up.

[Arcade Fire and Interviewer start saying sorry to each other.]

Male voice: All that was Mooses on the news. Tonight on CBC.

Dying Mrs. Gomez

Pete Davidson

Michael… Sterling K. Brown

Cecily Strong

Mrs. Gomez… Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

[Starts with Mrs. Gomez lying on the bed sick. Her children are there to take care of her.]

Pete: Mom, we’re right here.

[door knocking]

[Pete opens the door. Michael walks in.]

Cecily: Oh, Michael. So good to see you.

Michael: How is she doing?

Cecily: Not good. But she’ll be happy to see you. It’s been too long.

Michael: I came as soon as I heard. I’m glad I’m not too late.

Pete: Yeah. We don’t know how long she has left. It’s been a long day.

Cecily: Hey, mom. Michael’s here. Paramedics just left. Oh, she wants to say something to you.

Mrs. Gomez: Michael. Come here, Michae.

Michael: Hi, Mrs. Gomez. What is it?

Mrs. Gomez: There is something that I need to tell you.

Michael: Yes, ma’am. Anything. What is it? You can tell me.

Mrs. Gomez: I- I never made it.

Michael: Never made it? What do you mean never made it?

Mrs. Gomez: [hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.

Michael: Um, what was that, Mrs. Gomez. Was that a Nickleback song? Mrs. Gomez, why are you telling me this?

Cecily: Michael. I think she needs to rest.

Michael: Can you just wait? I need to hear what she’s saying. Mrs. Gomez. What did you say?

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Cecily: I can’t stand seeing her in pain.

Pete: No. It will be okay. It will be okay.

Michael: Mrs. Gomez. Please.

Mrs. Gomez: I… I…

[music playing]

[hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing
tired of living like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me

[Michael is rocking his body to the music]

This is how you remind me of what I really am

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. Mrs. Gomez.

Cecily: Oh, my god. Jonathan, get the paramedics. Quick. [Pete walks out] Michael, what did she say?

Michael: I don’t know. But it rocked. Come on, Mrs. Gomez. Wake up.

[Pete walks in with Alex and Luke. They’re both wearing their uniforms.]]

Alex: We got a situation here. Is this the woman who fell into the moshpit at the Nickelback concert?

Luke: Yes, it is. Everybody, clear the area.

Pete: What did my mom say?

Michael: It’s personal. Just back off.

Cecily: You can tell us. We’re her kids.

Alex: Give me the defibrillators.

Luke: Copy.

[Alex and Luke are getting the defibrillators ready.

Michael: I’m not sure you’ll be able to hear this but your mom said something really cool.

Cecily: Come on, Mike. Those might be my mother’s last words. You’re not gonna tell us?

Michael: Okay, fine. She said– Man, this is heavy. She said…

[music playing]

[singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing

Alex: Clear!

[Alex and Luke give her the defibrillator shock]

Michael: Tired of living like a blind man

[Cecily is rocking her body to the music]
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

Luke: I’ve heard a lot of last words, but your mom kicked the most ass. Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock]

Michael: [singing] This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

Luke: Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock. She wakes up and starts singing.]

Mrs. Gomez: It’s not like you to say sorry

[Everybody in the room are rocking their bodies.]
I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken

Michael and Mrs. Gomez: For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I’ve been wrong
I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream
Are we having fun yet

All: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Mrs. Gomez: Oh, no!

[Mrs. Gomez finally dies. But people in the room are clapping for her.]

Michael: That’s Nickelback!

Alex: I don’t know why you guys are clapping. This woman is dead.