Tag: Cecily Strong

Benedict Cumberbatch Monologue

Benedict Cumberbatch

Tilda Switon… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Benedict Cumberbatch walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so, so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live on the last week of America as we know it. I know the political situation is really tense in America right now. So, you know, I tell you what we British do when the going gets tough and it feels like the whole world’s crashing down around you. We drink. We drink so much. But on the brighter note, this weekend is the opening of my movie, Doctor Strange. [cheers and applause] And you know what? It’s specially exciting because I get to play a lead in a major Hollywood film. And now more people maybe know my name but they don’t really know me. So, I thought I’d try this American past time. I believe it’s called bragging. Am I saying that right? Brag. So, indulge me for a moment and allow me to introduce myself. [Slow music starts playing. Leslie, Sasheer, Cecily and Melissa join him dancing in the stage]

Leslie: His name is Benedict.

Sasheer: That’s right.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. now let me tell you something quick and right and good.

Leslie: Give it to them, baby.

Benedict Cumberbatch: [singing] Oscar nominated, I’m the king of the screen
But the greatest swag of all is my CBE from a Queen

Ladies: What’s that?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Um, commander of the British Empire. It’s sort of like being a knight but a little lower. I got the certificate in the mails.

Ladies: That’s cool.

Leslie: You’re a knight to me, Benedict. I’m one of you Cumber-bitches..

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. And to be fair, I didn’t pick that name for my fans. I would prefer Cumber-people or Cumber-sums. But you know, they’re wonderful and devoted people. They write a whole lot of fan fiction about me on the internet. And let me tell you, it’s genuinely unsettling.

Ladies: Yes, it’s weird.

Leslie: Did you read my story? Sherlock Holmes in the case of the missing underwear?

Benedict Cumberbatch: No, I didn’t.

[singing] I don’t need to tell you, I know what you’re seeing
but every role I play is always some kind of genius

Ladies: He is smart.

Leslie: That’s right baby. Like, Sherlock Holmes.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Mr. Genius.

Leslie: Like Khan from Startrek

Benedict Cumberbatch: Evil genius.

Leslie: Alan Turning

Benedict Cumberbatch: Gay computer genius

Leslie: And Doctor Strange.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Genius wearing cloak.

Leslie: Hey, Doctor Strange. I think I feel a lump. Can you feel it?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Leslie, once again, look, I’m not a real medical doctor. And that’s not a lump. That’s your full breast.

Leslie: Can I get a second opinion?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Maybe later.

[singing] Leading ladies love me and my co-stars are smitten
from Knightley to McAdams and a bald Tilda Switon.

[Bald Tilda Switon walks in behind Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: Hello Benedict.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Whoa! Tilda? How did you get here?

Tilda Switon: I opened a portal by doing this. [gesturing their hands like they do in Doctor Strange] I’m just kidding, I took an Uber pool.

Ladies: Uber pool.

Tilda Switon: Would you like to do a little rif with me?

Benedict Cumberbatch: I would be honored.

Wow-oo-wow–oo-wow, yeah, yeah

[Tilda Switon takes the mic from Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: [singing] Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, what’s my name?

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, sing it nasty.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, say it like the queen.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I’m a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Ladies: He’s a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: The mother loving Cumberbatch.

[music stops]

Well, we got a great show for you here tonight. Solange is here. So stick around and we will be right back. Thank you.

Bachelorette Party

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Grammy… Aidy Bryant

Heather… Cecily Strong

Brad… Mikey Day

Roy… Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with three ladies planning a surprise party]

Vanessa: Okay, Heather just texted, she and Grammy are outside. Everyone hide.

Kate: Okay. Okay.

[Everyone hides]

[Cut to Grammy and Heather getting in.]

Grammy: Oh, I’m just saying it was so cold in the restaurant that I ruined my dinner.

Heather: Okay, okay. Grammy, we are all so happy that you’re getting remarried at 83.

Grammy: Okay, Heather, why are you doing a speech at me in the dark?

Heather: I know you didn’t want a bachelorette party, so we had to make it a…

[ladies who were hiding come out]

All: Surprise!

[Grammy is shocked]

Kate: Ha-ha! Look at her. She had no idea. Ha-ha-ha.

[Grammy is still shocked]

Melissa: Hurry, hurry. Get her in the chair.

All: [hooting] In the chair! In the chair!

[Grammy slowly takes Heather to the chair. But Heather dies of shock but nobody notices it.]

Melissa: Alright, that’s better. Here we go. [putting a party-glasses and props on her]

Vanessa: Ha-ha-ha. Gentlemen! She is ready.

[Two young men dressed as construction workers walk in with a boombox.]

Brad: Hey, we’re from the construction company.

Roy: We have a delivery of some heavy wood.

Kate: Ha-ha! [pointing at Grammy] Ester is speechless. We finally found a way to shut her up.

Roy: Hey Brad, crank a tune.

Brad: Oh, yeah.

[Brad turns on a rock song and they start stripping for Grammy]

Heather: Alright!

[Brad and Roy throw their shirts on Grammy’s face. It’s stuck there.]

No, no, no. No hiding, Grammy. [Heather pulls the shirts off her face]

Brad: Hey! Should we get Grammy a fun sandwich, Roy?

Roy: Let’s do it.

[Heather and Melissa are so excited]

[Brad and Roy push Grammy’s head back and forth on their crotches.]

[Ladies are cheering]

Kate: Oh, biscuits! This is wild!

Vanessa: I know. Grammy, are you loving it?

[The gentlemen are twerking on Grammy’s face]

Brad: I think she worked up quite an apetite. Roy?

Roy: Yeah! Well, I’m hungry?

Brad: Let’s get her some dessert.

[Brad sprays creme on his belly and rubs it on Grammy’s face]

Yeah! Yeah!

[Roy starts to spray creme on Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Eat em all.

Brad: You want cherry on that bad boy?

Roy: Do it! You know I like cherry.

[Brad puts a cherry on top of creme that’s on Grammy’s mouth]

Brad: Woo. Yeah, get it.

[Roy eats the cherry off of Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Oh, my favorite flavor, her mouth.

Brad: Yeah!

Melissa: Hey boys, give us a taste.

Heather: Yeah. Yeah. Wooo!

[Brad and Roy start twerking on other ladies]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Ester! Ester! I’m still in your man over here. Look out.

Heather: Oh my god, look, Grammy’s so embarrassed that she’s trying to hide.

[Grammy us just slipping down from the chair. She falls on the floor. She is lying facing down.]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I have never seen anything like this.

[Brad and Roy rolls Grammy’s body over]

Heather: Grammy, get up. Just have fun.

Brad: Yes, stop hiding from us. We actually like her on the floor.

Roy: Yeah. She can be like, the spar for our full body workout.

Brad: Yeah.

[Brad and Roy do the workout on Grammy]

[Melissa and Heather are very excited]

Vanessa: Grammy, when Herman hears about this, you’re dead.

[Brad pulls Grammy up]

Brad: Come here, baby. Ooh! Up!

Kate: You know, I really love what your generation has done with this bachelorette party.

Brad: Oh my god! Ma’am? Ma’am?

Vanessa: What’s wrong?

Roy: Um, your grammy is like, our onethousandth customer.

Brad: Which means, she gets a free dance from the world series champion, Chicago Cubs.

[Three more gentlemen enter the room]

[cheers and applause]

Heather: Oh, my god! Those are the real Chicago Cubs!

Gentleman: What’s up, girls? Who wants to hear the Grammy slam?

Ross: Don’t worry Grandma, Grandpa Ross is gonna take good care of you.

Gentleman: It’s your lucky night, we’re about to pull a triple header.

Brad: Ooh! You heard the Cubs. Let’s play ball.

[music playing]

[All the gentlemen are stripping for Grammy]

Weekend Update Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the 2016 Election

Michael Che

The Girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.

[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.

Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.

The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?

The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?

Michael Che: What?

The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: That’s the impression of you.

Michael Che: Okay.

The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.

Michael Che: Jesus!

The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?

Michael Che: I don’t really dress–

The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.

Michael Che: The baseball player?

The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?

Michael Che: No, he played baseball.

The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.

Michael Che: Oh, my god!

The Girl: [looking away] Sis!

Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?

The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.

Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?

The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.

Michael Che: Alright.

The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.

Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.

The Girl: Knock, knock.

Michael Che: Who’s there?

The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.

Michael Che: Interrupting po–

The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!

Michael Che: He stinked?

The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!

Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!

The Girl: Free El Chipo!

Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Halloween Block Party

Todd… Tom Hanks

Jill… Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Jennifer… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Alexia… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with three couples planning Halloween party]

Todd: Okay, great. Thanks again, everybody, for coming over to plan next week’s Halloween block party.

Jill: Yes, it’s gonna be the best one yet.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: Jill, Todd, I have a question. I’m looking at the flyer for the block party and right up at the top of costume parade, it says that “Jill and Todd are going to be on the main stage from 9 PM to ?” What is that?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Um-hmm.

Todd: Yeah. That’s our show.

Jill: Yeah.

Todd: Remember, last year you asked us to start putting together a Halloween show?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: No.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Yeah. Yeah. You asked us to write a show and then star in it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Nobody said that to you.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: Wow! Jennifer doesn’t think we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: No, I’m saying no one asked you to write one.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Okay, um, [loud voice] Alexia, get down here. There people are making us prove we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: I thought your daughter Alexia was in college.

Todd: She couldn’t do it.

[Cut to everybody. Alexia comes running in]

Jill: Alexia, there you are. Are you ready to do the show?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Alexia: Won’t that spoil the surprise?

Todd: Of course it will, but these cheapskates are trying to get out of paying us.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Paying you?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes! The $2,000 you promised.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: It’s a free Halloween block party for kids! Nobody’s gonna pay!

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Alright, you win. You win. We will do a run through. But we’re just gonna be marking it.

[Todd, Jill and Alexia are setting up their mics]

Jill: Yeah, okay? Coz we were counting on another week but let’s just get our mics on, guys. Here’s the damn show you asked for!

Todd: This is basically what it’s gonna be.

[music playing]

Jill: [singing and dancing] Just a small town witch
living in a haunted house
making spells and potions
and eyeball soup

[Kenan and Jennifer are confused]

Todd: [singing and dancing] Just a dracula
boiling rage inside Detroit
got two fangs in my mouth
and pale white skin

[Kate and Beck are congused]

Alexia: [singing and dancing] A zombie in a musty tomb
the smell of brains and cheap perfume
as long as she can eat some human flesh
she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine

Todd, Jill and Alexia: Hallo… ween.
Our favorite time of the year
Hallo… ween.
it’s the noise!

[Alexia runs out]

Jill: Dracula, this can never work. We just– we don’t make sense.

Todd: Why? Because I drink blood?

Jill: No, you goof. Because I am a virgin.

Todd: So I am virgin too. Big time!

Jill: Wait a minute. You’re telling me the Dracula from South Detroit has never, you know, done it?

[cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: And this is for kids?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: You will be my first. Show me that body.

Jill: Okay. So, we’re just miming it now, but that day, we’ll actually be removing our robes.

Todd: And I will be the damn spelled, obviously.

[Cut to Todd and Jill. Alexia walks in.]

Alexia: What are you two doing?

Jill: Sophina, god, you weren’t supposed to see this.

Alexia: Obviously. Did our kiss mean nothing?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: So, they are in love triangle with their daughter?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Honey, look, I kiss lots of people. Okay? I’m a witch. Witches are slutty. That’s just a fact!

Todd: Oh, no! The sun is rising. Crap! Oh, it’s okay. I’ve done everything I wanted to do. I love you. And then I burst into flames.

Jill: No!

Todd, Jill and Alexia: [singing and dancing] Hallo… ween.

it only comes one time a year
let’s fix more treats for all time!

[music stops]

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Is that really what you spent a whole year working on?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Well, it was flipping amazing.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: We’ll give you half.

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Oh, just a thousand?

Jill: Well, you’re shrewd. But we’ll take it. Now, please leave because I can tell my husband is getting emotional.

[Kenan, Jennifer, Kate and Beck leave]

Todd: Well, we sure got screwed!

Jill: Honey, we went in asking for more than we deserved. Let’s be happy we get to perform. Alexia, go to bed.

Alexia: I’m 22.

Jill: I couldn’t tell by your performance. Go to bed.

Todd: You wanna study that choreography? [yelling]

Funny New Comedy

Tom Hanks

Vanessa Bayer

Tabi Gelfarb… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with CBS comedies intro]

Announcer: When it comes to viewers, CBS comedies are number one. But with cable and streaming shows like Golden Globe winning comedy ‘Transparent’ and Emmy winning comedy ‘Orange is the new Black’, we don’t win awards anymore. Until now! This Thursday, get ready for CBS’s funniest, cable-y-est, most award worthy comedy ever!

[Cut to five people sitting in a living room]

[slow piano music playing]

Tom: I’m tired of being tired.

Vanessa : I wanna rip off my skin, throw it in the trash.

[Cut to Broken video bumper]

Announcer: It’s ‘Broken’, CBS’s brand new sitcom about a family of professors who were all diagnosed with depression on the same day. And throughout 30 minutes, it’s a comedy. So move over Tambor, coz Broken’s got the hilarious Tabi Gelfarb.

[Cut to Tabi Gelfarb]

Tabi Gelfarb: [fighting] Yeah! I like to be hit when I have sex. Are you happy now, dad? But I’m also your daughter! [crying] And I have crohn’s disease.

Announcer: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Best comedy, here we come. And you thought that was funny? Watch as the gang navigates love, life and buckle up, sex over 50.

[Cut to video where Tom and Vanessa  are about to get intimate but Tom stops.]

Vanessa : What’s wrong?

Tom: I was just thinking.

Vanessa : About what?

Tom: Our ancestors. How they lived, how they laughed. Who they loved.

Vanessa : Soon, we’ll be the ancestors.

[Tom is crying]

Announcer: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Did you hear the word ‘laughed’? That’s what keeps this a comedy. And if you love to LOL, you’ll love when the oldest daughter walks around touching every thing in their living room for 30 god-busting minutss. [Cut to video of Aidy touching everything that’s in the living room]

So funny. It’s the show fans are calling “This is a drama.” So, watch ‘Broken’ because it’s not just a comedy, it’s also a musical.

[Cut to Tom’s family singing prayers before dinner.]

Hear that Tonys? Broken, Thursdays on CBS. Please let us come to award shows again. They’re so freaking fun!

America’s Funniest Pets

Ron Howard… Tom Hanks

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with America’s Funniest Pets intro]

Female voice: [singing] America’s looking at cats, 

America’s looking at dogs,
America’s looking at birds, going nuts
America’s looking, America’s looking at,
America’s Funniest Pets

Announcer: With your host, Ron Howard.

[Cut to Ron Howard in his set]

Ron Howard: Hey, hey. Hey, hey there. Hey. Hey. Hey, it’s me Ron Howard, how cool is that? Huh? I know, I know, I know you probably asking yourself, why the heck am I hosting a pet blooper show? Well, in simple, pet bloopers just make me giggle. Ha-ha-ha. You know, I could use a good laugh after working all day. Well, I look like Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Tom Hanks but what a pain in the ass. It’s okay. Alright. Who is ready to laugh at some funny pets. I know I am. Check out this first clip.

[Cut to a cat in a bathroom sink. The tap is on a little and she is looking at her soaking body.]

Oh boy. Oh boy. I am feeling so relaxed right now. If I fall in the water, call a per a medic. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Ron Howard] Okay, you believe it or not, there is a prince version of this show and we’re lucky enough to have the host with us today. So, please welcome [mumbles their names]

[Kate and Cecily walk in]

Hey, hey, how are you doing? Great to see you. It’s really great to see you. Hey, hi.

Kate: [strong French accent] Thank you for having us.

Cecily: [strong French accent] Yes. You know, we love you, Ron Howard. We love your movies like Cacoon.

Kate: Wi, Cacoon. [French language] Cacoon.

Cecily: [French language] Cacoon.

Kate: Back draft.

Cecily: Back draft.

Kate: Back draft.

Ron Howard: Hey, that’s great. That’s great. That’s great. Yeah. Well, since you’ve come all the way from France, I’d love to see you do a clip.

Cecily: Yeah, of course we will do the blooper for you.

Kate: We can do. Request is [French language]

Ron Howard: Great, great. Let’s take it away.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat peeking from the side of the bed.]

Cecily: Oh, this cat here is witnessing a violent murder.

Kate: The victim scream, “Please call for help.”

Cecily: But he is paralyzed.

Kate: It will hunt him forever because he can’t watch a man beat to death and he do nothing.

Cecily: Yes. In this moment, he learn he is a true coward.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay. Okay, okay. Wow. You know, but it’s the director in me, but can I give you a note?

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, of course.

Ron Howard: Okay, could you try to make it more silly. You know, more fun? May try to put a pun in there. Like, you’re freaking meow (me out). Ha-ha-ha. Okay, okay. Roll the clip.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat holding a bar and sleeping]

Cecily: Oh, this cat is waiting on his dead beat dad but he’s once again with his whore. It’s a hotel, he provide no [unintelligible]

[Cut to a video clip of a piglet moving]

Kate: This pig dance not for joy but for sexual pleasure.

Cecily: You see just behind him, it’s an audience of masturbating businessmen.

Kate: Oink, comfortable

Cecily: This is how we do it.

[Cut to a video clip of cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Oh, this cat is dead fro drug overdose.

[Cut to another video clip of a cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Kate: And this cat is being prepared for morgue. Just kitten (kidding).

Cecily: Bun chicken meow, meow.

Kate: Not bad, huh?

Cecily: not bad.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Cheese and rice. Can I just give you one more just, just one adjustment? Maybe try one where, “I don’t feel like killing myself.” Try some cartoony noises and catch phrases. Here, here. Watch me.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog with long neck looking at the camera funnily]

Oh, dorpy-dorp-dorp. I’m the mean old dog and this is what I think about you. Phrrr. Dorpy-dorp-dorp-dorp. [Cut to Ron Howard, Kate and Cecily] Alright? Alright?

Cecily: You know, dorpy-dorpy-dorp.

Kate: Dorp-dorp, get the job done.

Ron Howard: Okay, cool, cool. Great. Great. Let’s try it.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog walking on two feet at the grocery store.]

Cecily: Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My mother is dead back there. Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My brains are on my balls.

Kate: Barp-badarp-badar. This looks very bad for me. I am a payroll. Bleh!

Cecily: Bloopy-bloopy-bloopy. Please, someone, my mother is in back split in the middle. I’m covered in my mother.

Kate: Da-da-da-da. I think she may still be breathing. Someone, bring her out of her misery.

Cecily: Oh, check please.

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

Kate and Cecily: Dohh!

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay, okay. I think that’s the best we’re gonna get.

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Kate: We did good. We did good.

Cecily: Yeah, we should come back every week.

[Cut to everybody]

Ron Howard: Well, well, let’s not get crazy.

Cecily: Ron Howard, fantastic.

Kate: Ron Howard!

[The End]

A Girl’s Halloween

Vanessa Bayer

Megan… Aidy Bryant

Janelle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with A Girl’s Halloween intro]

[music playing]

[Cut to Vanessa and Megan dressing up. It’s eight PM

Vanessa: Megan, you look so cute.

Megan: Oh, thanks. Janelle, will you like, fluff the back of my hair? It feels like it’s getting flat.

Janelle: Yeah, yeah. You guys, I love how we’re like, keeping it so chill this year.

Megan: I know.

Vanessa: So, we’re just grabbing dinner and then heading to Ryan’s for a bit?

Megan: Um-hmm.

Janelle: You guys, let’s do a selfie.

Vanessa: Oh, okay.

Janelle: Alright. Smile!

[They take selfies]

Megan: This is gonna be such a fun night.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM]

Megan: This night f****n sucks!

Janelle: I gave my credit card to someone and I don’t have it. Who has it?

Vanessa: Please! I need to get pizza.

Megan: Oh! Pizza, bitch!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Janelle: Hey, Megan. Will you draw my whiskers? Your’s look like, so good.

Megan: Yes. I did like a little white line underneath for definition.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s so smart.

Janelle: Just like that. That’s what I want mine to look. I’m gonna look so cute.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM. All their make ups are messed up.]

Janelle: I’m so ugly.

Megan: Don’s say that.

Janelle: Megan, don’t. You stop coz you have been a bitch to me all night.

Megan: That’s because you wouldn’t wait.

Janelle: No. You said to go, Megan!

[Janelle walks away. She falls down.]

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Vanessa: Should I paint my nails yellow?

Megan: Oh, yeah. You should do yellow for the cheese.

Janelle: Hey, if you wanna be a cat too, like, I have extra.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s okay. I like being the cheese.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM.]

Vanessa: Why did you make me be the cheese? You guys got to be cute. And you made me be the cheese.

[Cut to Megan sitting down at the side of the street, wildly.]

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Megan: My these shoes are cute. It was so hard to find grey ones that matched.

[Cut to Megan walking alone drunk at the street. She can’t walk properly because of her shoes.]

Megan: Hey guys, please wait. I got it now. Come on. Wait for me. Guys!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Janelle: You know what? I think I’m not gonna drink tonight.

Megan: Good idea, Janelle.

Vanessa: That’s so smart, Janelle.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle at the pizza place. Janelle pukes on the pizza.]

Megan: [singing looking at the guys beside them] Oh, babe, what up, baby, you want some of this?

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: You and your drunk friends got to get out of my restaurant now.

Megan: No, you cannot yell at her.

Bobby: Get out of my store, okay? Before I turn the hose on you.

Megan: Oh, yeah. You would love to do that.

Vanessa: You nasty pervert.

Megan: Pervert!

[Cut to Bobby at eight PM sticking halloween stickers on his restaurant door.]

Bobby: [looking at the stickers and smiling] Spooky!

[Cut to Bobby spraying water on the girls using hose]

Vanessa: What the hell.

Janelle: Oh, my god!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Megan: Oh, I look cute.

[Cut to Megan running through the glass door of pizza restaurant breaking it.]

Bobby: Oh my god!

[Cut to Vanessa and Janelle lying on a sofa, still drunk]

Vanessa: That was so fun.

Janelle: Yeah. I’m so glad it was just us girls.

[A guy painted all green is behind them]

The guy: Hey, what about me?

Janelle: Ew, who let that guy in?

[Megan walks in. Her mouth is all green.]

Megan: I have no freaking idea.

[The End]

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts]

[Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.]

[Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]

Melanianad

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing]

[Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

Drive-Through Window

Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

Michael Tangelo… Kenan Thompson

Linda Tomorrow…Emily Blunt

Randy Candy… Bobby Moynihan

Melissa Villaseńor

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Real Jeff… Beck Bennett

Pam… Aidy Bryant

Bruno Mars

[Starts with Pete waiting for the customer in Burger King]

Pete: Welcome to Burger King. Pull around and order at the first window, please.

[Mikey comes through in his pink limo and opens the window. He is wearing green suit.]

Mikey: Wad up?

Pete: Oh! Um, hey. Would you like to try the snickers pie today?

Mikey: Dude, I got a pink Hummer limo filled with party people. Only thing is, we got some empty tummies.

Pete: Okay. Um, how many people are in there?

Mikey: No way to tell, my man! We all just came from an art installation party hosted by our friend Otto the Question. So, let’s start with, um, 20 whoppers.

Pete: Okay. You want whoppers or angry whoppers?

Mikey: Hmm, that is a question for Michael Tangelo. One love.

[Mikey closes his window and moves the limo forward. The second widow opens.]

Michael Tangelo: Wad up?

Pete: Hey. Do you know what you want?

Michael Tangelo: Um, first, good evening. I am Michael Tangelo. Part of the House of Terrific and Artist Collective. Now, what’s this I hear about an angry whopper?

Pete: Um, it’s like a whopper but it’s spicy. It’s got onions rings in it.

Michael Tangelo: In it? So it’s an entrée that ate it’s own side dish? Hmm. I’m gonna let Linda Tomorrow weigh in on this.

Pete: Who?

Michael Tangelo: Bye, bye.

[Michael Tangelo closes the window. The limo moves forward. The third window opens.]

Linda Tomorrow: Wad up?

Pete: You’re Linda Tomorrow?

Linda Tomorrow: Who’s asking?

Pete: Well, what do you want to eat?

Linda Tomorrow: Ah, yes. I haven’t slum with the normal in so long. I’ll have a burger. Funky style. And make it a magnum XL. Fries, size nine. And a diet mountain don’t size 10.

Pete: Um, well, we just have three sizes ma’am. Small, medium and large.

Linda Tomorrow: A what now and who there?

Pete: Is medium okay?

Linda Tomorrow: Never mind. Just talk to Randy Candy. Good bye.

[Linda Tomorrow closes the window. The limo moves forward. The 4th window opens. The music is playing inside the limo.]

Randy Candy: Wad up?

Pete: Are you Randy Candy?

Randy Candy: [squeaky voice] Um-hmm. I pet a whimsy and this part of the car is feeling some chicken fries.

Pete: Okay. Um, do you want regular chicken fries or like, the Cheetos chicken fries?

Randy Candy: I’m sorry, what’s the difference?

Pete: Um, the Cheetos chicken fries are covered in Cheeto coating.

Randy Candy: This news will throw this car into chaos. How could you?

[Randy Candy closes the window]

[Melissa walks to Pete]

Melissa: What is going on? Have these people ordered yet?

Pete: Um, kind of.

Melissa: What did they order?

Pete: Um, this one lady ordered like a mega-funky burger.

Melissa: We don’t have that.

Pete: Look, I’m trying. I just need to talk to like, one normal person. Sorry.

[Melissa walks away. The 5th window of the limo opens.]

[Kate and Cecily look the same]

Kate and Cecily: Wad up?

Pete: God! Sorry, crazy. Um, are you guys ready to order?

Cecily: Absolutely. We want three food.

Kate: Like, four food. And savory?

Cecily: Let’s be bad. Why not?

Kate: Four food and a nibble.

Pete: Yeah, but like, what food?

Cecily: The only one who can answer this is real Jeff. Bye.

[They close the window. The limo moves forward. 6th window opens. Real Jeff is sitting with his puppet.]

Real Jeff: Wad up? Give us 20 whoppers and 20 chicken fries.

Pete: Ah! Thank you, dude. Finally. Alright, that’s $hundredfortytwo.eighteen. How would you like to pay?

Real Jeff: Oh, I don’t pay. That’s Pam’s department. Peace.

[Real Jeff closes the window. The limo moves forward. the 7th door opens. Pam is sitting and someone is massaging her shoulder.]

Pam: Wad up?

Pete: Hey, are you Pam?

Pam: Um, yes sir. I am Pam and I fund this.

Pete: Okay, well it’s $142.18.

Pam: Okay, great, so can you split it on 26 credit cards?

Pete: No, I can’t.

Pam: Okay. Well then, maybe my boyfriend has some cash.

[Pam’s boyfriend is Bruno Mars who shows his face now]

Bruno Mars: Wad up?

Pete: Bruno Mars? What the hell is going on there? You hang with these people?

Bruno Mars: No, they hang with me. You should join us, man.

Pete: Ah! I’m sorry, man! I’m working.

Bruno Mars: It didn’t stop your friend.

[Melissa shows her face inside the window]

Melissa: Oh! Wad up?

Pete: You know what? I’m in.

Bruno Mars: Ay, make some room, Randy Candy!

Pete: I hate Randy Candy!