Tag: Donald Trump

Presidential Debate Cold Open

Lester Hold… Michael Che

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Lester Holt in his set]

Lester Holt: Good evening. From Hofstra University, I’m Lester Holt. [cheers and applause] And welcome to the first presidential debate. A quick reminder to our audience, there is no cheering, no clapping, and to the Trump supporters, no shirt, no shoes, no service. Now let’s bring out the candidates. First, she has been battling pneumonia and we hope she’s feeling better tonight. It’s secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking in to her podium with support of cane.]

[cheers and applause]

[Hillary Clinton leaves her cane and rolls over her body]

Hillary Clinton: I’m better than ever. Let’s do this.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: And finally, he’s the man to blame for the bottom half of all his kid’s faces, it’s republican nominee Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in to his podium]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Donald Trump: Good evening, America. I am going to be so good tonight. I am going to be so calm and so presidential that all of you watching are going to cream your jeans.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, let’s begin with you. Why are you a better choice than your opponent to create jobs and put money into the pockets of American workers?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, let’s– My opponent’s tax plan benefits the top Lester Holt% so much, it’s not just trickled down economics. It’s– I don’t know. I guess if I had to call up something off the top of the old dome with no prep, whatsoever, I don’t know. I guess I call it ‘Trumped up trickled down economics’.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: That’s very catchy, secretary. You just came up with that just now?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I did. Right off the stiff red cuff. [raising her hand. She is wearing a red suit.]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Hey, Jazz man. I’ve got a very presidential answer for this. Our jobs are fleeing this country. They’re going to Mexico, they’re going to Gina (mocking China), I will stop that. If Hillary knew how, she would have done it already, period, end of story. I won the debate. I stayed calm just like I promised. And it is over. Goodnight Hofstra.

[Donald Trump turns around and walks away]

Lester Holt: Donald! [Cut to Lester Holt] Donald. There is still 88 minutes left. It’s a 90 minute debate.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his podium]

Speaker Donald Trump: My microphone is broken. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] She broke it with Obama. She and Obama stole my microphone. They took it to Kenya. They took my microphone to Kenya and they broke it and now it’s broken. [Donald Trump is sniffing] Can you hear that? It’s picking up somebody sniffing here. I think it’s her sniffs. She’s been sniffing all night. Testing. Testing. Gina. Gina. Huge Gina.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I think I’m gonna be president.

[audience whooping]

I mean, this man is clearly unfit to be Commander in Chief.

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: He is a bully.

Speaker Donald Trump: Shut up.

Hillary Clinton: He started the birth removement.

Speaker Donald Trump: You did.

Hillary Clinton: He says climate change is a hoax invented by China.

Speaker Donald Trump: It’s pronounced Gina!

Hillary Clinton: He hasn’t released his tax returns which means he’s either not that rich–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Not that charitable–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Or he has never paid taxes in his life.

Speaker Donald Trump: Warmer.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Let’s move on to national security. Mr. Trump, you’ve criticized Secretary Clinton for voting for the Iraq war, but you yourself supported the war–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’re being very mean to me tonight, caltrain. Very mean to me. I was against the war. Ask anyone in the world named Sean Hannity. I told Sean Hannity. Call Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: You told Sean Hannity on his show and that’s a proof?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: No, I told him in private. It was just me and Sean, late at night. I leaned over and I whispered in his ear, “Sean, I’m against the war in Iraq.” And then he whispered in my ear, “I am against the war too.” And the next thing I knew I was kissing Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Moving right past that, the Iraq war is all about judgement. Secretary Clinton, do you think you have better judgement than Mr. Trump?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Yes, yes. Of course I do. Donald Trump has terrible judgement. He makes bad decisions. He spent his life cheating middle class labors. Laborers like my own human father who made, I guess drapes or printed drapes, or sold drapes, or um… something drapes and he was relatable and I am also relatable.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, same question. Why is your judgement better than Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Because it is. I have the best judgement and the best temperament. She’s the one with the bad temperament. She’s always screaming. She’s constantly lying. Her hair is crazy. Her face is completely orange except around the eyes where it’s white. And when she stops talking, her mouth looks like a tiny little butt-hole.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, you have two minutes to respond.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, that’s okay. He can have mine too.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. Mr. Trump, two more minutes.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: The thing about the blacks is that they’re killing each other.

[Cut to Lester Holt. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

All the blacks live on one street in Chicago, all on one street. I just read that this morning. It’s called ‘Hell Street’. And they run Hell Street and they’re all just killing each other. Just like I am killing this debate.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, did you have a response?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She looks very happy.]

Hillary Clinton: Um… Not a response, more of a request. Can America vote right now?

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Well, this has been an illuminating debate. But now it’s time for our final–

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Alicia Machado.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: I’m sorry. What was that? Who is Alicia Machado?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for bring that up Lester. She is a strong, beautiful, political prop that I almost forgot to mention tonight, even though we already made a wet video about her. Alicia Machado was Miss Universe in 1996.

Speaker Donald Trump: Where did you find this?

Hillary Clinton: And Donald Trump called her ‘Miss Piggy’.

Speaker Donald Trump: No. How do you know this?

Hillary Clinton: And ‘Miss Housekeeping’.

Speaker Donald Trump: That’s pretty funny.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, your response?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Lester, why are we talking about this woman? We should be talking about the important issues like Rosie O’Donnell and how she’s a fat loser and everyone agrees with me. And I just wanted to bring that up in a presidential debate right at the end, my own good idea. I did it.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, why are you crying?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’m sorry Lester. It’s, this is going so well. It’s going exactly how I always dreamed.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. And now it’s time to move on to the closing statements. Secretary Clinton, you’re first.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, I get it. You hate me. You hate my voice and you hate my face. Well, here’s a tip. If you never wanna see my face again, elect me president, and I swear to god I will lock myself in the Oval office and not come out for four years. But if you don’t elect me, I will continue to run for president until the day I die. And I will never die.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump. Final remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: You know what Lester? I was going to say something extremely rough to Hillary tonight, but I said to myself I can’t do it, I just cant do it. But if I had said it, it would have been a nuclear bomb because in the 90s, our president was a man named Bill Clinton. Not many people know this, but that man is her husband. And in 1998, get this, he had an affair. It’s true. My investigators are looking into it right now. It was a woman named Monica, very heavy. I don’t have her last name yet but when I get it, I’m gonna set my alarm for 3:20 AM and go sit on my golden toilet bowl and tweet about it until completion.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Oh my god! Just remind everyone at home, this was the presidential debate. Any final words?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump coming to the center together]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump’s Vice President Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ivanka Trump… Vanessa

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Donald Trump speaking on the phone in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: No, it’s true. I’m telling you. Mr. Trump is the real life inspiration for Ironman. Who am I? I’m his publicist, Joey Pepperoni. No, I’m not Donald Trump in disguise. This is just what classing people sound like. Okay.

[Ivanka Trump walks in]

Ivanka: Dad, Chris Christie is here. He sort of wants to discuss potential vice-presidents. Uh, he’s sort of been waiting downstairs for two hours.

Donald Trump: Fine. Send him in.

[Chris Christie walks in]

Chris Christie: Hey, is that Joey pepperoni I see? Seriously though. Donald, I’m honored that you asked me to help you find your next VP.

Donald Trump: I appreciate your help. I really do. I need someone experienced, loyal, strong.

Chris Christie: Yeah. That sounds like somebody I know. It sounds like Chris Christie. Wait, who said that? Did you hear that? Why did that come from?

Donald Trump: Whatever? What have you got for me?

Chris Christie: Uh, well I thought one strong option could be a Jeb Bush.

[Donald Trump and Chris Christie laughing hard]

Okay, but seriously, what about Carly Fiorina?

Donald Trump: I do feel a kinship with Carly. She’s also an outsider who ran a very unsuccessful business.

Chris Christie: She can help you with your woman problem too. I mean, women look up to her.

Donald Trump: For what? She’s a big cup, tops.

Chris Christie: [laughing] That is very good. I wish I could work for someone as funny as you have some day. [giggling] Okay. Moving on. How about a guy from a swing state, Florida? He’s a half Hispanic with a proven track record of standing up for himself.

Donald Trump: George Zimmerman.

Chris Christie: No, no, no, no, no, no. Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump: Oh, little Martha. I can’t ask him to be VP until his parents signed the release form. I need someone who can lead. Where do I find that?

Chris Christie: It beats me. [showing his own photo] Oh my God. How did this get in here? Now, that is crazy. Look at that. Maybe. Yes, maybe. No, maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now this next one, it’s a little outside the box, but I feel very strongly about it. Hear me out. Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come on! He’s the boss. You’re the boss. He was born to run.

Donald Trump: He is a Democrat.

Chris Christie: [yelling He is a god. I’m sorry. Do you have any idea, sir?

Donald Trump: What about John Kasich? He’s smart, experienced. He can help us in Ohio.

Chris Christie: He said he’s not interested.

Donald Trump: He’s a loser. Big fat loser. What about Nikki Haley?

Chris Christie: Also interested.

Donald Trump: Ted Cruz?

Chris Christie: Hard no.

Donald Trump: Paul Ryan?

Chris Christie: He said, not right now, but he will see you in hell.

Donald Trump: Lindsey Graham.

Chris Christie: He said he would love to, but then he laughed so hard that I had to walk away.

Donald Trump: It doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone want to be my VP?

Chris Christie: If I may be so bold, sir? I think anyone who didn’t want to be your VP would be a damn fool. [music playing] You are such a special candidate. Maybe, just maybe, the person you’ve been looking for this whole time standing in this room right now.

Donald Trump: You are so right. Ben Carson, you want to be vice president?

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Oh, that would be hell exciting.

Donald Trump: Great. Let’s do it.

All: And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

[The End]

Church Lady Cold Open

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Melania… Cecily Strong

Ivanka… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Church Chat intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Church Chat.

[Cut to Church Lady]

[cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Thank you. Thank you everybody. Welcome to Church Chat. I’m the Church Lady. You know, it’s interesting times in America, right? And now we’ve landed on the exciting presidential matchup between a god list liberal democrat and Hillary Clinton. But first my favorite event of the week, the Met Gala Ball, the classy evening where strumpets and street walkers and sluts get to parade around in the latest genital fashion. First, we have Madonna. Let’s see what this 57-year-old mother chose to wear.

[Cut to picture of Madonna from behind at the Met Gala]

Look, her fanny’s just hanging out with sturdy straps [Cut to Church Lady] to push those six-decade old bums straight to heaven. Go get Jesus.

And then we have Beyonce. [Cut to picture of Beyonce at Met Gala] She must be thinking, “What should I wear to the ball tonight? [Cut to Church Lady] I know. A giant latex condom. All wrapped up and ready to fornicate.”

Speaking of fornicating, Beyonce made her record called Lemonade about her husband’s affairs. With that in mind, introducing today’s sponsor, Church Lady’s Lemonade.

[Church Lady shows a package of lemonade with her picture on it.]

It’s freshly squeezed just like Jay-Z’s snotty parts.  Too soon? Okay. Alright let’s talk politics, shall we? My first guest is someone I’ve talked about quite a bit here on Church Chat but we’ve never actually met face to face. Please welcome Satan.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Hi there. You can actually just call me Ted Cruz.

Church Lady: Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that. I was just quoting one of your colleagues, Teddy. Don’t get that a bunch. You know, John Boehner, speaker of the house.

Ted Cruz: Oh, sure. No, John’s– Oh, he’s coming up with hilarious nick names for me like Buster, or son of a gun.

Church Lady: I believe the phrase was ‘Lucifer in the flesh’. Yeah, little bit different than Buster. And now you quit the race entirely. Why do you think it didn’t work out?

Ted Cruz: Well Church Lady, I suppose the American people weren’t ready for a candidate with strong Christian values, someone like me who follows the righteous path and lives his faith every blessing moment.

Church Lady: Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a little preachy? Just a little bit. We like ourselves, don’t we. Look at that face. We love ourselves. Coz we think we’re just a little bit– There it is. That’s that happy superior face coz we love Jesus more than anybody.

Ted Cruz: Yes, I do pray to god often and I think everything that happened was part of god’s plan.

Church Lady: Was it? Was it? God’s plan for you to get humiliated by an orange mannequin? That’s kind of an odd plan for god to have for you, isn’t it? Tell me Ted Man Walking, what are you gonna do now?

Ted Cruz: Well actually Church Lady, I’ve been thinking about turning evil for a while. You know? Going to the dark side. I mean, I’ve been told to go to hell so many times I- I think its finally time to check it out. [laughing hardly]

Church Lady: Well, what a fun trip you’re looking forward to. I rarely say this in encouraging way, but see you in hell!

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha, thank you Church Lady. [Stands and walks out laughing]

Church Lady: Alright, very good. Little bit. Just a little bit. Alright, our final guest today is the presumptive republican divorcee– I mean nominee, please welcome the tangerine tornado, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Terrific. Alright there, hi Donny. have a seat. Look at you.

Donald Trump: Hey Church Lady. It’s great to be here. Your place looks tremendous. Believe me, this is one classy fun house.

Church Lady: Actually, this is what we call a church. Something tells me that you’re not a big church goer.

Donald Trump: Oh, I’m a big church guy. I’m there all the time. Sometimes I go even when it’s not church day.

Church Lady: Wow, what a well put statement. Does Donny ever take a gander at the holy scripture?

Donald Trump: Honestly, I love all the books in the bible. I do. They’re all terrific. Corinthians part two. Book of revelations. Two geneses too furious, which says and I quote, “Love thy neighbor as thyself and like a good neighbor stay far as there.” And, “always keep the sabbath huge.” That’s Moses. Oh, and part where Jon Snow comes back to life, that’s great bible.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Donny, there are those who say you’re not qualified and that’s not true. You know, I remember a Celebrity apprentice episode where Gary Busey didn’t sell enough pancakes and you just said, “You’re fired.” And I thought right then and there, “Give this man the nuclear codes.”

Donald Trump: A lot of people are saying that.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Speaking of God’s commandments or not, I understand your family is here.

Donald Trump: Oh yeah, that’s right. Get in here guys.

[three women enter]

This is my wife Melania.

Melania: Hello, it’s so wonderful to be here.

Donald Trump: My lovely daughter, Ivanka.

Ivanka: Sort of great to be here as well.

Church Lady: And who’s the third woman down there?

Donald Trump: That’s just another model. I mean she’s great energy to have around.

Church Lady: I’m sure.

Kate: [in Russian accent] Let’s have fun.

Church Lady: It likes all kinds of flash, doesn’t it? Tell me Donald, have you figured out who your vice presidents are gonna be? Somebody who shares your temperament and values? Someone like, oh I don’t know, could it be… Satan?

[Ted Cruz comes in. Now he has horns and fangs. He is there with his minion.]

Ted Cruz: [in demonic voice] I have recurred.

Church Lady: Ted is a demon. My god!

Ted Cruz: I am no longer Ted Cruz. I am Bermagulas, lord of shadows. [laughing]

Donald Trump: You sure you aren’t lord of the weak chins?

[Ted Cruz is angry and looking at Donald Trump]

Ted Cruz: Stop it Donald.

Donald Trump: You’re the first guy who got possessed and looks better.

Ted Cruz: You’re such a jerk, Donald! I’m going back to hell. They’re nicer there.

[Ted Cruz leaves]

Church Lady: Well, that was an eventful Church Chat. Thanks for letting us chatted up with you and right now all I gotta say is…

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Church Lady and Ted Cruz: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

At This Hour Cold Open

Kate Bolduan… Kate McKinnon

Scottie Nell Nughes… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with At This Hour intro]

[Cut to Kate in her set]

Kate: Welcome back. Thank you. Welcome back to At This Hour. I am Kate Bolduan. I’ve got the brain for MSNBC but the hair for FOX News. So here I am at CNN. It’s been another bad week for Donald Trump with women. Joining me to talk about it from the tea-party news network is Donald Trump defender, Scottie Nell Nughes.

[Cut to Scottie in her set]

Scottie: Hi Kate. As a woman I like Donald Trump but as a full blown nut job, I freaking love him.

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: But as a woman, how can you keep defending Mr. Trump? He retweeted a sexist, unflattering photo of Ted Curz’s wife.

Scottie: Okay. So, no– So, okay– So, no– [Cut to Scottie] So actually, so that was an accident okay? Coz Donald’s are just so big, he can’t see every little tweet his fingers retweet. I mean, his hands are this big. Flaccid!

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: That’s your actual answer?

Scottie: That is what I have picked. Yes. And let’s not forget, Heidi Cruz is no angel. She has been arrested.

Kate: That’s not true.

Scottie: Yes, it is. Donald told me she is so fat, she was arrested for having 10 pounds of crack.

Kate: I believe that’s a ‘yo mama’ joke. Alright, let’s just move on. Donald Trump also said that women who get abortions should be ‘punished’. How do you defend that?

[Cut to Scottie]

Scottie: Okay. Okay. So, no– So, okay– So, what that is is was Donald was just making an April fools joke coz it was April fools.

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: Said that on March 30th.

Scottie: [laughing] And that is why it is so funny. I mean, Kate, of course Donald loves women. He is a father to a woman.

Kate: Okay, well, we actually have a clip of Donald talking about his daughter from a rally this morning. Let’s watch.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I just gotta say, isn’t my daughter Ivanka the best? She’s so smart, so talented, and what a rack! And she just had a baby. So can you imagine that rack now? It is just tremendous.

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Kate: Ew!

Scottie: No. Okay, no– So, that was beautiful. You’re just trying to work it but is it worth it? You put his thing down, flipped it and reversed it.

Kate: What?

Scottie: At least Donald is talking about women. I mean he is creating a dialog about women.

Kate: Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. Let’s go back to that rally and check in on that dialog.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: When I say ‘women’, you say ‘suck’. Women.

Public: Suck!

Donald Trump: Women.

Public: Suck!

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Scottie: Okay, well, some women do suck, okay? What about Casey Anthony? Are you telling me Casey Anthony does not suck? Coz I am close friends with her and she is always late. She sucks!

Kate: Okay, well Scottie, I don’t know how you’re gonna be able to defend this next thing.

Scottie: I’ll be able to.

Kate: But there has been a lot of violence at Trump’s rallies recently. His campaign manager was arrested for assaulting a woman. A young girl was pepper sprayed.

Scottie: Donald Trump does not personally condone violence.

Kate: Really? Okay, well let’s just randomly see what’s happening right now at his rally.

[Cut to Donald Trump punching a guy in his face several times]

Guy: [yelling] I am voting for you!

[Donald Trump punches him few more times]

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Scottie: Okay. Clearly, that man had a bee on his face and Donald was just trying to punch his off for him. 10 times.

Kate: Really, Scottie? A bee? Now we’re talking about a bee?

Scottie: Yeah, we sure are. You can’t break me Kate, because I’m crazy. And crazy don’t break. And Kate, I know that you agree with me on three things when it comes to Trump. One, he is drop dead gorgeous.

Kate: No.

Scottie: Two, he is bringing trade back so we can make American grapes again.

Kate: That’s not– That’s so wrong.

Scottie: And three, he is way better than Ted Cruz.

Kate: Okay, yes. That I do agree. And…

Kate and Scottie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Carson Endorsement Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with CNN America’s choice 2016]

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, and if you google me, you’ll see me in a t-shirt. But first, another big endorsement for Donald Trump as former rival Ben Carson has agreed to throw his support to the businessman. We go now to Florida where Trump has just taken the stage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you. My guest today so tremendous. Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man. And for once I don’t mean that as an insult to the mentally challenged. Why don’t you come out here, Ben. Come on.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: I am so thrilled to be here today. I am positively turned. Yes, Donald and I are very different. We’re like night and day, ebony and orangy. And sure, we’ve had our– you know, we’ve had our polite disagreements. I question his knowledge on healthcare and he called me a psycho and a child molester.

Donald Trump: Hey, in my defense, he’s a pretty creepy dude. I mean look at this guy. He looks like he drives a hollowed out ice-cream truck.

Ben Carson: What my point is, I have learned there are two Donald Trumps. There’s the man you see every night on stage for eight months, guy who calls people losers and brags about his penis. But there’s also the friendly man I had breakfast with earlier today for 10 minutes. He gave me a muffin.

Donald Trump: Okay, that’s enough for now. Let’s get this guy a juice box and a nap.

Ben Carson: Bye, America. It’s been weird.

[Ben Carson walks away]

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: And there it is. Turning now to the democrats, Bernie Sanders pulled up a huge up set in Michigan this week. Joining us now via satellite from his hotel room in Illinois is senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes, yes. Hello. Good for me, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Presidential Candidate.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Congratulations on your big win in Michigan, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Thank you, Tapper. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I want to thank everyone who voted for me and apologize to everyone else for making your Facebook feed so, so annoying. I mean, I love my supporters. But they’re too much, right? I’m great, but I’m not five posts a day great. With all due respect to my supporters, get a life.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now, how do you think you pulled out such an up set victory?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Well Tapper, I spent a lot of time in Michigan. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but they give you ten cents for recycled cans. I made a fortune.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Now senator, you may have won Michigan but Hillary still leads you in both delegate and super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Can I ask you something? What’s a super delegate? Who calls themselves that? It’s so cocky! [Cut to Bernie Sanders] They walk around like they’re such big shots. “Oh! I beg your pardon Mr. Super Delegate.” Let me tell you something, I’ve met some of these super delegates. They’re not so super. Mediocre delegates is more like it.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But senator, many think you need these super delegates to win the nomination.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Not true. No, not true. I have the voters. My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I’ve got supporters of all ages. 18 year olds, 19 year olds. That’s it. The young people love me, Tapper. Because I’m like them. I got a lot of big plans and absolutely no idea how to achieve them.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But, you’re still struggling with the minorities. Why do you think African Americans aren’t voting for you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Probably because I look like someone who at some point told them, “Get out of my store.”

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And finally senator, Florida vote’s on Tuesday, but you haven’t spent much time there.

Bernie Sanders: Can you blame me? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] Who wants to spend time in Florida? The only reason you go to Florida is if your sister calls and says, “Mom’s dead, we gotta go to Florida.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Alright. Thank you senator. Alright, breaking news right now. We’re getting word now of yet another incident of violence at Donald Trump rally. Apparently the victim was this man, Dr. Ben Carson, who was attacked moments ago by an angry mob that mistook him for a protestor. We go there now.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson. Ben Carson is holding a raw steak over his eye.]

Ben Carson: It’s okay. I’m fine.

Donald Trump: Guys! What did I say? Not this one! This is one of the good ones! [to Ben] I’m sorry, Ben.

Ben Carson: Hey, they’re just lucky I don’t have my knife on me. I’ve been known to cut a bitch.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. We’ve got a very classy Trump steak on his eye. And to the media, please don’t use this as an excuse to call me racist.

Ben Carson: Donald’s actually got a lot of black friends. Omarosa, Dennis Rodman.

Donald Trump: The list goes on.

Ben Carson: Mike Tyson.

Donald Trump: The list ends.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Quite a scene. Now, let’s check back in with senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to split screen. Bernie Sanders is on his pajamas getting ready for bed holding a toothbrush.]

Bernie Sanders: What? No! No! Get out of here. Don’t cut back to me. Get away.

Jake: Senator, are you in your pajamas?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I’m in pajamas. It’s bed time you idiot! You said you were finished. So I got in pajamas.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: How did you change so fast?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I always wear them under my suit. That’s why my suits are so baggy. Now please, if you don’t mind, Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

CNN Election Center Cold Open

Jake… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Jake in his set]

Jake: It’s been a crazy week in politics. So, as tonight’s election results continue to roll in, let’s take a look back at past seven days. Donald Trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday. Here’s what he had to say at the celebratory press conference.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Chris Christie]

Donald Trump: What a great, great night. I really am running the best campaign, aren’t I? The media is saying they haven’t seen anything like this. Not since Germany in the 1930s. I mean, everyone loves me. Racists, ugly racists, people who didn’t even know they were racists, people who’s eyes are like this, [making faces], and this guy loves me, don’t you? [talking to the audience] Wait, what’s that? Get him out! As I was saying, everyone loves me. I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now. [pointing at Chris Christie] Isn’t that right, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: I mean, he really is a sad desperate little potato back there. Aren’t you, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: No. Go get on a plane. Go home.

Chris Christie: Okay. You got it.

[Chris Christie leaves]

Donald Trump: Also, P.S. America, I have a great, big, huge dick.

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Alright viewers, I know this is gonna be boring, but let’s take a quick look at the democrats. Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday. Here’s a clip of her thanking supporters.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. There are many black people standing behind her.]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, hello. Hello. Thank you. I’d just like to say, thank the f-ing lord! I won seven states tonight and to celebrate, I bought myself this brand new storm trooper coat. And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together. Just like I brought these 10 black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech. Yes! I hear these people are great, they are strong, they’re beautiful and they’ve all been punched in the nose at the Trump rally. And speaking of Trump, he is on track to become the Republican nominee. So, to all of you voters our there who have thought for years “I hate Hillary, I can never vote for her”, to you I say, “Welcome.” Coz I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here you are stuck in the middle with me! Yes!

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Powerful speech. Now, let’s get back to the fun stuff, the republicans. Tonight’s election results are in and here to talk about his big win is senator Ted Cruz. Caution: We’re about to show his whole face on the screen. So viewer discretion is advised.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello, Jake.

[Jake gets scared looking at his face]

Jake: Still got me even though I knew it was coming.

Ted Cruz: Happens to everyone.

Jake: Now, senator. Tonight you beat Trump in both Kansas and Maine which was a huge upset.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: That’s right. I beat him good. And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring. [showing the ring he’s wearing on his finger] Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. I’m one of those guys.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: And that’s okay. I still love those states like they’re my own children. An Just like my own children, tonight those states said, “Ew, gross. I hate you.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now senator, let’s talk quickly about Thursday’s GOP debate which many called ‘Craze Balls’.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, yes. The debate was so much fun. I talked policy. I laid out my plan for America. And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Yes, that was absolutely disgusting.

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha. I know, right? [laughing]

Jake: Alright, thank you senator. [Cut to Jake] And finally joining us now, he came out strong against Donald Trump. With the unprecedented public address on Thursday, 2012 presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Hello governor.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Jake. Hi, Jake. Thanks for having me. Now, that’s right America, I’m back. You didn’t ask for it but you got it.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Mitt Romney]

Jake: Now governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald Trump?

Mitt Romney: Well Jake, for the last nine months, I’ve sat down and watched Donald Trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Regan, we do not say racist and sexist things. We imply them, shuttly over decades and decades of policy. So I felt that I had to take matters into my own tanned well manicured hands and follow the advise of my favorite rapster, Macklemore. That’s right. And I chose to put Donald Trump on blast. America, he’s a fool.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Four years ago, he endorsed you for president.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Like I said, he’s a fool. He’s a fraud. He’s a scam. He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a flimflam man. Now, if you vote for Donald Trump, and I hate to use a curse word on television, but if you vote for him, you’re a sucker. Aw, forgive me Joseph Smith. Oh, boy.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Wow. You are pretty riled up.

Mitt Romney: Yeah. You’re gosh darn right I am. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And that’s why on last Thursday, I rolled up my $1,000 monogram sleeves, I took a couple of shots of non-alcoholic kahlua, I did 10 women’s pushups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive passionate well measured anti-Trump speech I could.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And you think your speech changed the minds of any Trump supporters?

Mitt Romney: I do not.

Jake: Do you think any Trump supporters even watched?

Mitt Romney: Not on purpose. No.

Jake: You think your speech hurt Trump at all?

Mitt Romney: Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.

Jake: Alright, is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald Trump?

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, there is. Donald, you’re duplicitous, you’re reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president. and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Sarah Palin Endorsement Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

Male voice: Coming up next, we go to a rally in Iowa where Donald Trump is about to receive a high profile endorsement.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I am so honored to introduce my guest today. She’s great. Of course she’s great. She is endorsing me, alright? Ladies and gentlemen, governor Sarah Palin.

[cheers and applause]

[Sarah Palin walks in]

Sarah Palin: Thank you, Iowa. I wanted to take a break from my full time career of writing things on Facebook to fly down her and lend my support to the next president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Hey, America. Isn’t she great? Just the total package. Smart, legs, yelling, everything. I haven’t seen a woman this impressive since Jeb Bush.

Sarah Palin: I’m here because we Americans are struggling. So many of us have lost our jobs at the factory or reality shows about Alaska. We’ve seen our own children targeted by the police for no reason other than they committed some crimes. We turn on the news every morning and are shocked to see we’re not even on it because we’ve been replaced by immigrants like Geraldo Rivera.

Donald Trump: She is fun. She just says whatever she wants. It’s like her mouth starts driving before her brain gets in the car.

Sarah Palin: I’m here for all you teachers and teensters. You farmers and charmers. Whether you’re a mom or two broke girls, or three men and a baby, or a rock n’ roller, holy roller, push and stroller, proboller with a f-sas moller.

Donald Trump: She’s a fire cracker. She’s a real pistol. She’s crazy, isn’t she?

Sarah Palin: Tak-tak-tak-tak-tak-tak is what the mainstream media is spinning. Hazard spinning. They say Trump and his Trumpeters are right winging, bear clinging, proud clingers of our guns, but he can kick ISIS ass because he commands fire.

Donald Trump: I hope nobody is allergic to nuts coz we got a big one here. She’s too Corinthian sort of a bible. And as mirror does everything she says, some kind of dirty.

Sarah Palin: Our president is just bending over for ISIS while crony capitalists are sucking off the teeth and slurping off the gravy train and congress is just working the balls.

Donald Trump: You see what I mean? And I love dirty stuff. I really do but this is too blue even for me. Dear god! She’s still talking.

Sarah Palin: They stomp on our Knicks and say, “What’s the big deal? Take a chill pill gel.” But we are mad, we’ve been had and we’re not so glad “The lorax”.

Donald Trump: She sounds like a greeting card from a Chinese dollar store. Am I supposed to be learning something from this? This is like a Scrooge situation coz I’m not buying it. I’m richer than Scrooge, ghosts love me and I would never give my goose to a Tiny Tim type. Give me a break.

Sarah Palin: Thank you Iowa. God bless some of United States of America.

[Donald Trump takes the podium]

Donald Trump: Thank you Sarah. You know, a new poll says I’m up by 11%. This is really happening, people.

Sarah Palin: Guess what America. I don’t really think this guy should be president. I’m just here coz he promised me a spot in his cabinet and I belong in a cabinet coz I’m full spice and I got a great rack.

Donald Trump and Sarah Palin: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing]

[Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

[gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

White House 2018

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

General… Kenan Thompson

Secretary… Sasheer Zamata

Jimmy… Kyle Mooney

Jon Rudnitsky

Ivanka Trump

Enrique… Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

[Starts with White House in 2018.]

Bobby: Well, Mr. President, you did it.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the oval office]

Donald Trump: Just like I promised, right?

[Cut to Donald Trump and the others]

Bobby: Half way through into your first term and prosperity is at all time high. [Cut to Bobby] In two years, you really made American great again.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: See? I told you. It is more than just words and the silly hat.

Donald Trump: First lady Melania is hundred% correct.

Melania Trump: Aw!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I gotta admit, you know, I didn’t think it could happen this fast. Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrific. Just terrific. General, how are we dong in Syria?

[Cut to General]

General: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace. All the refugees have returned and they have great jobs as blackjack dealers in the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So, everyone’s happy?

[Cut to General]

General: They’re so happy, Mr. President.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

[Cut to Secretary]

Secretary: Never better. After your face to face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not wanna be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’m sorry. I just had to do that. Keep up the good work, you’re doing fantastic. Jimmy, how is the economy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Amazing, sir. Um, in the words of our new national anthem, it’s huge! After your tough negotiations with China, you are killing them on trade. They’re not borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? I don’t have to get specific. With me, it’s just works, you know? It’s magic. It’s just magic. It’s always been that way my whole life. So, let’s just see what happens over here but I wasn’t sure what’s it all like.

Melania Trump: Yes, you know, it’s hard to be president because the White House, it’s the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived. You konw?

Donald Trump: True.

Melania Trump: But we made it work.

[Cut to Jon on the door]

Jon: Mr. President. Your daughter, the secretary of interior is here.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Perfect timing Ivanka. [Ivanka walks in] How is the White House has everything going and how are the renovations doing?

Ivanka: Actually, not surprisingly, we are ahead of schedule and under budget. The private swimming pool in Cabanas are already completed. And now if you’ll excuse me, today we are covering the Washington monument in gold mirrored glass.

Donald Trump: Wow. [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump] That’s gonna look so elegant.

Melania Trump: Oh, like beautiful hotel.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: Mr. President, the President of Mexico is here to see you.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Send him in.

[Enrique walks in]

Oh!

Enrique: Donald!

Donald Trump: Enrique.

Enrique: I brought you the check for the wall.

[Donald Trump and Enrique hug out]

Donald Trump: Go on. It’s so wonderful.

[Donald Trump looks at the check]

This is far too much money. I don’t know–

Enrique: No, I insist! Consider it as an apology for doubting you. As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall.

Donald Trump: Well, I told you and it’s– I’m so proud of you. And changing Telemundo to all English for me, you changed that to all English, it’s a great thing.

Enrique: Of course.

Donald Trump: I am so proud of you.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Mr. President, I am so sorry to interrupt but we have got a big problem.

Donald Trump: What is it?

Taran: It’s the American people, sir.

Donald Trump: What?

Taran: They’re just sick of winning. They’re winning so much. It’s just too great, sir.

Donald Trump: Look, I know how they feel. It’s exhausting. But that’s what really– I mean that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough, it’s not that easy. If you think that’s how it’s going to be when I’m president, you’re wrong.

[Donald Trump walks to the camera and everyone else is blacked out.]

It’s going to be even better. I said to the writers of this sketch, “Keep it modest, okay?” It’s better to start with low expectations. That way you have no where to go but up.

[Melania Trump walks to Donald Trump]

Melania Trump: So, this election season, before you vote, dream. Dream of Melania for first lady.

Donald Trump: Wouldn’t she be a great first lady?

Male voice: This message paid for by The Melania for First Lady foundation. A Trump Organization Company.