Tag: Lauren Holt

The Christmas Conversation

Lauren Holt

Lauren’s mom… Heidi Garner

Ego Nwodim

Ego’s mom… Punkie Johnson

Marie… Chloe Fineman

Marie’s mom… Kate McKinnon

Marie’s dad… Jason Bateman

[Starts with Lauren video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Lauren’s mom: Hi, honey. I miss you so much.

Lauren: Hi, mom. I miss you too.

[Cut to Ego video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Ego’s mom: Oh, hey, baby. You called me just in time. I’m just in here making gumbo. I bet you miss my cooking now, don’t you?

Ego: You know I do, mama.

[Cut to Marie video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Marie: Hey, mom.

Marie’s mom: Hi, wait. I look terrible right now. Do we have to screentime?

Marie: Mom. You look fine.

Marie’s mom: Okay.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I was calling because I just wanted to let you know–

Ego: Mama, I don’t want you to get upset

Lauren, Ego and Marie: I won’t be able to come home for Christmas this year.

[Cut to “The Christmas Conversation” video bumper.]

Lauren’s mom: Oh, honey. You do not need to come home for Christmas, okay? I just want you to be safe.

Lauren: Really? Thanks, mom.

Lauren’s mom: Yeah. And I guess since you won’t be coming, I’ll just throw your stocking in the fire.

Lauren: Mom!

Ego: I just don’t think it’s safe.

Ego’s mom: Okay. Let’s talk about this later.

Ego: When?

Ego’s mom: When you’ve changed your damn mind.

Marie: I just don’t think it makes sense for me to travel right now.

Marie’s mom: If you don’t love me, Marie, just say so.

Marie: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s mom: I didn’t raise a coward.

Lauren’s mom: I totally agree about Christmas. But I do need you to come home tonight. There has been an emergency. Because I actually put all your old stuff in bags and I’ll need you to tell me what to donate. What about your first christening dress? is to keep or?

[Now, Maries dad is also with her mom.]

Marie’s dad: You know, your mother really misses you.

Marie: I know dad.

Marie’s dad: Are you not getting mad?

Marie: I know.

Marie’s dad: Is your heart not working, baby? This is your mother here.

Marie: I can tell.

Lauren’s mom: Oh my god! Look at that. Your first track meet. Remember how fast you were? How fast you were when you ran away from me half way across the country to Chicago? Should I get rid of it? Great!

Ego’s mom: We’re being safe. We’ve even quarantined in different rooms.

Ego: What? Why?

Ego’s mom: For safety.

[Ego’s dad joins the video call]

Ego’s dad: Hi, sweetie.

Ego’s mom: Your daughter has decided not to come home for Christmas this year.

Ego’s dad: [smiling] Oh, that’s okay. We’re gonna miss you, pumpkin.

Ego’s mom: No, it’s not okay, Ray.

Ego’s dad: [suddenly agreeing with his wife] No, it’s not okay and you need to come home.

Marie’s mom: Fine, we will fly to you.

Marie: Mom! No!

Marie’s mom: Why? It’s fine. I will quarantine in the plane bathroom.

Marie’s dad: Great fix darling. And daddy wears racket ball goggles to keep the virus out of my eyes. How about that?

Marie: That’s not how it works!

Marie’s mom: What if I died in a plane crash?

Marie’s dad: That’s a great point.

Marie’s mom: And that was the last thing you said to me?

Marie’s dad: Think about your dead mother.

Marie: That can’t happen if you don’t fly on a plane!

Lauren’s mom: [lying on the ground] Oh my god! The worst has happened. I’ve had a fall.

Lauren: Mom! I know you didn’t fall. You laid down very gingerly. I saw the whole thing.

Ego’s mom: Ray, aren’t you going to say anything?

Ego’s dad: We love you unconditionally.

Ego’s mom: No. Not that.

Ego’s dad: We love you conditionally? Just tell me what you want me to say. I’ll say it.

Marie’s dad: Are you seeing what you’ve done here. [her mom is facing away crying] I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Marie: You guys are insane.

Marie’s mom: I never visited my own mother enough. I guess this is my punishment.

Ego’s mom: Who you want to see that you can’t come home? Hah? I know you ain’t got no man.

Ego: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s dad: Your mother and I are being super, super safe.

[doorbell ringing]

Marie’s mom: Oh, that’s probably Bob. Excuse me. [goes to answer the door]

Marie: Who is Bob?

Marie’s dad: Oh, Bob is Sophie’s front line worker husband.

Marie’s mom: Bob! Come in.

Marie’s dad: Get in here.

Marie’s mom: Guys, masks off. We’re cool.

Marie: Please get these people out of your home.

Lauren’s mom: I guess that’s why I don’t get to have a family for Christmas.

Ego’s mom: I didn’t realize how much I like being by myself.

Ego: Calm down!

[Lauren’s mom is just screaming]

Lauren: What’s happening?

Marie’s dad: Honey, listen. We are going to miss you but we’re always gonna love you. Right here.

Marie: I love you too.

Ego’s mom: We still love you, baby.

Ego’s dad: We love you.

Lauren’s mom: I miss you, but I love you.

Lauren: I love you too, mom.

Marie’s mom: But I’d love you more if you came home. I don’t know, who’s to say? I’m kidding. I love you.

Michigan Hearings Cold Open

Rep. Matt Hall… Mikey Day

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson… Ego Nwodim

Rudy Guliani… Kate McKinnon

Ms. Ellis… Lauren Holt

Melissa Malone… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

Fred… Alex Moffat

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with C-SPAN schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN which is honestly surprising. Up next: The Michigan state senate hears special testimony regarding allegations of fraud in the Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0 presidential election.

[Cut to the representatives in the court]

[cheers and applause]

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. I hereby call this hearing of the senate oversight committee to order. It is my honor and also one of the great horrors of my life to welcome president Trump’s personal attorney Ruby Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: Thank you, your honor. It’s great to be in a court room where I’m not the defendant.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: This isn’t a courtroom.

Rudy Guliani: Honestly, I’m just happy to be indoors. Now, as my associate Ms. Ellis will prove today, this election was stolen from the American people with a level of trickery not seen since Houdini. [farts] That wasn’t me. That was you guys. But President Trump and I are going to overturn these illegal votes first in Michigan, then in Gerogillvania, and then Pennsichhutes and then North Dekanadan.

Rep. Matt Hall: But isn’t it true that all your lawsuits have been rejected because they’re based on zero actual evidence?

Rudy Guliani: You want evidence? Okay. Well, today I have brought before you a dozen highly intelligent, barely intoxicated individuals who are all eyewitnesses. After hearing their testimony, you’re going to say, “Wow. Rudy was right and he’s getting smarter and more respected everyday.” [farts] [pointing at Ms. Ellis] That was her.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani– [he can smell the fart] Oh, god! It’s hitting us up here now. You may call your first witness.

Rudy Guliani: Alright. I would like to present someone who worked directly with dominion voting systems, Miss Melissa Malone.

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Thank you. I swear to tell my whole story and nothing about my stories. So, help me god.

Rep. Matt Hall: Please tell us what exactly you witnessed with the dominion machines.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. Maybe try losing that attitude first just like you lost all those Trump ballots.

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots.

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. So, you wouldn’t know, would you?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Please just talk.

Melissa Malone: You’re going to regret saying that because I personally saw hundreds, if not, thousands of dead people vote.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: You saw them?

Melissa Malone: Yes. Basically yes. I remember because I was walking on and they were walking in. Then they gave their votes to democrats. Then you probably did something crazy with them, didn’t you?

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots and I am a republican.

Melissa Malone: Then you’re literally useless. You have no use. Did you check every poll? Did you talk to all the dead people?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: We’re state senators.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. I have been threatened. My kids have been threatened. My kids have threatened me and I’ve threatened them right back.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry, but this testimony is full of lies.

Melissa Malone: I’m not lying. I signed it after David.

Rep. Matt Hall: In after David?

Melissa Malone: Yes. That’s correct. David signed and then I signed right after David.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay, Ms. Malone.

Melissa Malone: Hah? You’re just lucky I need another drink.

[Melissa Malone leaves]

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani. You may call your next witness.

Rudy Guliani: Oh, yes. My next witness needs no introduction or at least I hope she doesn’t because I lost the paper with all her information on it. Honey, you want to come in here?Come on.

[Heidi walks in. She looks drunk.]

Heidi: Good evening, your honor.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m not a judge and it’s 11 AM. Why exactly are you here today?

Heidi: Well, your honor, I’m not proud of this but I need to come forward anyhow. You see, I ate ballots.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry. You ate ballots?

Heidi: That’s right. I didn’t mean to. But the democrats pulled up a food truck and said it’s lunchtime. They opened the truck and it was full. Full of ballot sandwiches, ballot pizzas, ballot steaks and ballot spaghettis.

Rep. Matt Hall: What is a ballot spaghetti?

Heidi: It’s a ballot, then I talk like this.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Thank you. Can we have the next witness please?

[There’s Mike Lindell holding a pillow]

Mike Lindell: I will provide witness. Hi, I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow. Do you know a demo rat can hide over a million fake ballots a My Pillow and still get a great night sleep, refreshed and ready to steal election? Thanks to My Pillow.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Lindell, is this a commercial for My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: I would like it to be. Yes.

Rep. Matt Hall: Okay. Let’s keep this moving please.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Are we just gonna let any random person come in here start talking?

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. We are all here under oath. If you want to talk about random, I voted for Trump, yet Biden won? Hmm. Maybe a little too random. You aren’t even going to admit that dominion cheated.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: How exactly did dominion cheat?

Melissa Malone: Well, for starters, they cheated me out of my cheesy bread.

Rep. Matt Hall: I think you’re confusing dominion with Domino’s.

Melissa Malone: Either way, my vote took longer than Rudy Guliani0 minutes, so it’s supposed to be free.

Rudy Guliani: [whispering to Melissa Malone] Maybe you want to pull it back a little. I’m worried you’re making us look foolish. [farts] Safety.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Mr. Giuliani, your next witness?

Rudy Guliani: Okay. My next witness is extraordinary and I mean that in a mean way. Fred, go nuts. Come on.

[Fred walks in]

Fred: Thanks. Thank you. [Fred looks very angry] What had happened was I was sitting in my backyard when all of a sudden a silver ship hovered above me and a warm light beamed aboard the space craft.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry, this is an alien abduction story?

Fred: Please sir, let me finish. Yes, it was aliens, but the shocking part was this. I saw them clearly filling out absentee ballots all of them for Biden!

Rep. Matt Hall: And when exactly did this happen?

Fred: About seven years ago.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Mr. Giuliani, do you have any witnesses that have testimony based in reality?

Rudy Guliani: Yes, I do. The defense calls Nicole Kidman’s character from the Undoing.

[Nicole Kidman walks in]

Nicole Kidman: Your honor, my husband Hugh Grant is innocent. There’s no way he could have been that murderer. He’s too hot and white.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry. Where is your accent supposed to be from?

Nicole Kidman: It’s from the Upper East side of Australia. Crikey, it’s Zabar’s!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry but do we have to keep listening to these people?

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. [now she has a glass of martini in her hand] Because we need to listen to our heart’s and our mimes. Even though it’s fraudulent erection, it can still get you pregnant.

Rudy Guliani: Hey, this chick is really on to something.

Rep. Matt Hall: Could everyone please stop drinking during the hearing?

[now Rudy Guliani also has a glass of whiskey in his hand]

Rudy Guliani: I would love to but if I don’t drink a scotch every 15 minutes, I explode.

Melissa Malone: And this is not drinking. It’s actually the covid vaccine. I’m taking it first because I’m at risk. I got two big old comorbidity titties.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay. We’re gonna call this hearing to a close.

[Kyle and Pete walk in]

Kyle: No. This will not stand. We will do the whole thing over again.

Pete: That’s right. If we get one more shot, we can get it right this time.

Rep. Matt Hall: You think we should just re-do the entire election?

Kyle: Oh… No. We’re talking about kidnapping the governor!

Pete: Yeah. If we have one more shot, we can get her to my basement for sure.

Rep. Matt Hall: And out of curiosity, then what?

Kyle: We… yell at her.

Pete: Yeah! Let them all get back to work!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: And what are your current jobs?

Kyle: I repair things that I’ve broken.

Pete: And I’m curious about fossils.

Rep. Matt Hall: You are both dismissed. Mr. Giuliani, I have to ask, is any of this really appropriate?

[Rudy Guliani has his hands inside his pants.]

Rudy Guliani: Sorry, what? Oh, I blacked out for a second.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Jesus, man. Just wrap it up.

Rudy Guliani: In conclusionI would say the defense rests but we will never rest. Not until this election is overturned or I get a full part and $10 million in cash. If you like what you saw here today, we’re having a press conference right after this at the Ritz-Carlton…. plumbing and heating supply company right off 594 between a dirty movie theater and crematorium. Pets are not only allowed, they’re required.

Rep. Matt Hall: Thank you, Mr. Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: No. Thank you.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

New York Musical

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Chris Redd

Minion… Kenan Thompson

Minnie Mouse.. Melissa Villaseñor

Elsa… Lauren Holt

Shrimp Louie… Kate McKinnon

Statue of liberty… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with three guys in Big Nick’s Souvenirs store]

Pete: Hey, man. How is business?

John: At the souvenir store in Time Square during the pandemic? It’s not great.

Chris: Alright. Well, then I’ll buy two of those snow globes.

John: Wow, thank you. That’s gonna really put me over the top, buddy.

Pete: I’ll take that photo of you with your kids.

John: That’s a personal item. Not for sale.

Pete: Oh, okay. Then I’ll buy that I heart New York underwear.

John: What was that?

Pete: Those briefs those announce how much I love New York. I’ll take em’.

Chris: You’re buying an underwear from souvenir store in Time Square? They’re not even wrapped.

Pete: So what? I like to show my support for the city.

John: Kid, you sure you want to buy the underpants?

Pete: Actually, you’re right. I should try em’ on first.

Chris: Whoa! Try them on?

John: You want to take these pair of unwashed ‘I love New York’ underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?

Pete: Yeah. Do you have a fitting room or something.

John: Yeah, sure. We have a fitting room. Hey Time Square minion, why don’t you show this guy the back of the store where the people of Time Square habitate?

[music playing]

[The minion opens the wall door. There are other characters inside.]

Minion: [singing] Mascots be shady tonight

John: Minnie and Elsa will fight

The characters: If you take a selfie then you better give us money

Minion: Or I’ll show your daughter a knife

John: So, after seeing that, do you still want to buy the underwear?

Pete: Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest balls to show that.

Minion: Of all the items in this store, you see you made

one great miscalculation buying filthy underwear

John: Bugs with no hesitation
will nesten your pubic hair

Minnie Mouse: One million novelty items
and he chose those

Elsa: It’d be like shopping at RB’s for pantyhose

Minion: One skid mark on the inside
that’s not the only stain I see

John: You’ll probably get an STD
so run, son

All: You would have to be psychotic
or take some strong antibiotic
don’t buy those

John: Great work.

Pete: Dude, things seem really bad even for Time Square.

Chris: Yeah. When do you think things are gonna bounce back?

[Shrimp Louie walks in]

Shrimp Louie: That’s what I want to know.

John: Oh. Shrimp Louie, the bubbagum shrimp mascot. I can’t belive you’re still here, darling.

Shrimp Louie: Where have they gone?
the tourists who came
who will eat up on my shrimp pad
with spiked lemonade?
send in the crowd
those confused German crowd

Minion: We missed TKTS
and bad seats for cheap

Shrimp Louie: Even Tim Horton’s has closed Canadians weep

All: Where are the crowds

Minion: I can’t group without crowds

Chris: Ahem! I see one guy across the street with binoculars.

John: Oh, that’s not a tourist. That’s the diddler on the roof.

[The diddler slides in on a table. His pants are off and he has binoculars.]

Diddler: Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, strip off your clothes, no one will know
Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, peek through my lens, and polish my uncut gems

Pete: This must be why everyone’s moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one room shacks for $900,000.

[Statue of Liberty walks in]

Liberty Statue: Fools! You don’t give up on my city that easy.

I lived through warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
and I’m here
danced for the 86 mets and broke my ankle
but I’m here
I lived through Time Square filled with whores
now they’re on Sex in the City tours
my first apartment was a drawer
but I’m here
I’ve been to nobo noho and CBGB
and I’m here
Once on the pat train I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
and I’m here
stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I knew son of Sam the dog could talk
I do the marathon but I walk
and I’m here
look who’s here
I’m still here

John: Oh no, look who’s coming our way, that woman from West Chester and she has visible covid.

[Cut to a woman walking by sneezing]

The woman: The minute I coughed at the press
I knew that new Rochelle would try and pin the blame on me
super-spreader
spread a little rona with me

Pete: We gotta get away from her.

John: Don’t worry. That homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off.

[The homeless man walks in. The woman is scared of her.]

Homeless man: Where is Rick Moranis?

The woman: [screaming] Ah!

John: Get out of my store.

Chris: Man, this place is nuts. I’d move somewhere else but the whole country is crazy.

John: I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Move. [moving Pete away and showing the underwear that he wanted] Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Do you realize America is like these underpants? Because–

Diddler: I get it.

John: I know you get it. But let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease. But they still stand for something. Love. That’s why I didn’t want to sell them. Because they give me hope.

Minion: And I am specially hopeful now because we only have three days more.

John: Three more days to the election,
but the results may take months
it feels longer than the Irishmen
bot that movie needed cut

All: Three more days of Instagramming
thirsty selfies that say more

Liberty Statue: Prepare for the worst, so just please make it fast

All: November 3rd, election day,
November 3rd’s not far away
November 3rd on Wednesday or a Tuesday, I’m not sure
I don’t vote
what’s the point
It’s New York

Visiting Grandma

Ego Nwodim

Adele

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Lauren Holt

Grandma… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with four young people walking in a nursing home]

Ego: I’m so glad that we could all get together to visit grandma.

Adele: So, how does this work? We go inside the nursing home.

Chris: No, they’re keeping quarantine since old but we can stand in that courtyard and shoutout to a balcony.

Pete: Yeah. Like Romeo and Juliet, except, old.

Adele: Oh, there she comes.

[Cut to grandma walking to the balcony with a nurse]

Nurse: Okay. Blanch, I think there’s some people here to see you.

Grandma: Why?

Adele: Grandma, down here.

Ego: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: What?

Pete: Look down, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, grandchildren.

Adele: Hi, grandma. Yoo-hoo.

Grandma: Oh, baby. Are you cold?

Adele: No. I’m wearing the scarf you knit me. I’m nice and warm. Don’t worry.

Grandma: You did what?

Adele: I’m wearing the scarf you made me. See? [showing the scarf]

Grandma: You said my scarf?

Adele: No, you made me a scarf on my birthday and I’m wearing it.

Grandma: It’s amazing. Who’s that man?

Adele: Oh, grandma, this is my boyfriend, Kevin. You remember Kevin.

Grandma: Oh, Arizona.

Pete: That’s right. I’m from Arizona.

Grandma: Okay. So, what’s going with work?

Adele: Oh, it’s crazy busy. People always need jokes. And you know, that’s what we sell.

Grandma: No, not you. The boyfriend.

Pete: Me? Oh! Didn’t expect that. I’m in a bit of an interesting state right now. My contract ended back in April and now I’m kind of helping my buddy with a start up which just got an angel investor. It’s super exciting. It’s just taking a while to come through.

Grandma: What?

Pete: Oh. I was saying my last job ended and right now I’m sort of in a holding pattern helping a friend get his business off the ground. But it’s a waiting game.

Grandma: What?

Adele: He said he’s in a holding pattern. Slower because of covid.

Pete: Yeah, I’m mostly just putting out feelers for different gigs.

Grandma: You what?

Pete: I’m unemployed and I don’t have a job.

Grandma: Oh, okay.

Pete: I want one and I don’t have one. I’m trying to get one but no one will let me have one. I don’t have a job.

Adele: But I do have a job and he does not, and that bothers both of us so much.

Pete: Yeah, because the money she makes, I have to take some of it because I don’t have a job.

Grandma: Alright.

Nurse: Blanch, why don’t you show them the bracelet that you made today?

[Grandma shows the bracelet that she’s wearing]

Adele: Oh, that’s lovely.

Chris: Grandma, you’ll like this. I bought a record player.

Grandma: Where is Devin?

Chris: Okay, shot down.

Grandma: One of you has a muscular husband, Devin. Where is handsome Devin?

Ego: Right, that’s me. Grandma, Devin and I went through a lot with quarantine and we realized that– Well, there is this relationship expert, Ester Parell, who says that French people don’t ask their partner to also be their lover and their best friend. You know?

Grandma: What?

Ego: I was saying the pressure of being around each other without any distraction, we realized we weren’t good at being married to each other.

Grandma: What?

Ego: He said he wanted to be open.

Grandma: Open what?

Ego: He ducked my ass, grandma. We had a three way and he liked her better.

Grandma: Okay.

Ego: Yeah. He opened the relationship to her and closed it to me. They now live together in my house.

Grandma: Okay.

Ego: Yeah. I still live in the house because that’s where I’m at right now.

Grandma: Okay.

Nurse: Do you understand what she means, Blanch? She had a man and he’s gone now?

Grandma: Yes. And the other man?

Pete: Me? I’m still unemployed.

Adele: Yes. When I wake up, I go to work and when he wakes up, he just stays in the bed.

Pete: I a like a pet. I do not have money.

Adele: I am dating a man with no job.

Grandma: Okay.

Nurse: Maybe it’s time for dinner.

Chris: Wait, grandma, you said you revised your will and wanted to read it to us, right?

Grandma: Right. Right. [Nurse hands over the will to Grandma. Grandma puts on her glasses and starts reading.] Okie, dokie. Here we go. My dearest grandchildren. As you know, I have lived a long interesting life full of travels, celebrations, casinos and shopping sprees.

Ego: What?

Grandma: While some say you need to put away for a rainy day–

Pete: What?

Grandma: — I have always believed life is a lemon that needs to be squeezed.

Adele: There’s no inheritance, is there?

Grandma: Nope, spent it. Broke.

Pete: I appreciate that.

Adele: Got it.

Ego: Makes sense.

Chris: Thanks grandma.

Pete: Bye granma.

Grandma: Alright, see you.

The Bachelor

Ben K … Beck Bennett

Hannah C. … Heidi Gardner

Hannah Alexis C. … Chloe Fineman

Adele

Lauren Holt

[Starts with ‘The Bachelor’ intro]

Male voice: Tonight on abc, it’s a special bonus season of ‘The Bachelor’. And this time he’s 5’11″… and a half!

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Hey, there. I’m Ben K. When I was in high school, I threw a shopping card at a gay kid’s head. But now I’m here ready to final up. And there’s so many incredible girls to choose from.

[Cut to introduction of the ladies]

Hannah C.: Hi. I’m Hannah C. I’m 20. And I have the oldest face for young person you’ll ever see.

Hannah Alexis C.: Hey, I’m Hannah Alexis C. I’m 21 and next year, I’ll be 22.

Adele: Hi, I’m Adele Adkins. I’m 32. You may know me for being the singer Adele. I’m here coz I’ve had a lot of heart break in my life. First at 19 and then sort of famously at 21 and then even more famously at 25. But I have a relly good feeling about Ben K. It’s only night one, yes. But I can already tell he’s going to be the next love of my life.

[Cut to the show where Ben K is talking to the girls.]

Ben K: Hey, girls. I just want to say this has been such a great night. I really enjoyed laughing with each and everyone of you. Even though none of us ever said a joke once. [all girls laughing] And this was a hard decision but I’ve decided to give the first impression to Hannah C.

Adele: Wait, what? You’re giving it to Hannah C.?

[music starts playing. The lights dim and the focus light is on Adele. She stands and walks up front to sing.]

[singing] I heard that you’re settled down
that you found a girl and you’re married now

Ben K: Adele?

Adele: I hear that your dreams came true.

Ben K: Adele! Adele! [music stops] Hey, sorry. I am not married to Hannah C. It was just the one rose. You’re still in this.

Adele: I am?

Hannah C.: Yes, girl. There’s like, 40 episodes left. So, I’d pace yourself emotionally. Coz we’ve been here for 10 minutes and you’ve already sung that a few times.

Adele: Oh god. Sorry about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Yeah, I’d say out of all the girls in the house so far, I probably have the most in common with Hannah C and the least in common with pop superstar Adele. But our relationship is the one that’s moving the fastest mainly because Adele is making you do that.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele in the park]

Ben K: Adele, you look so nice tonight.

Adele: Thank you. You look pretty amazing too. In fact I’d guess I’d sort of say …

[music starts playing]

Ben K: Oh, we’re singing again.

Adele: [singing] You look like a movie, you sound like a song
my god this reminds me, of when we were young
Let me photograph you in this light

Ben K: Adele! Adele! Adele! [music stops] Can we just talk? This is really more of a talking show.

Adele: Oh, I keep forgetting about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Hannah Alexis C. at the back stage]

Hannah Alexis C.: You know, I absolutely love being on ‘The Bachelor’ but it has been sort of hard to get alone time with Ben with so many other girls in the house. Including Adele. Specially Adele. The problem is Adele.

[Cut to Ben K and Hannah Alexis C. in the park]

Hannah Alexis C.: It’s so nice to finally have some alone time with you.

Ben K: I know. So, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?

[As Hannah Alexis C. is going to answer, music starts playing. This annoys both Ben K and Hannah Alexis C.]

Hannah Alexis C.: Oh, my god!

Adele: [singing] Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet

Hannah Alexis C.: Okay, Adele! [music stops] No, okay? It has not been years since you’ve seen Ben. You’ve been singing to him all night.

Adele: Oh my god. I know. You’re so right, Hanna. I’m being a right prick yet again. I will leave you two alone. Good bye.

[Adele leaves]

Hannah Alexis C.: [sigh] This is so much better.

Ben K: Yes. So much better.

Hannah Alexis C.: Though, I do feel kind of weird that I yelled at the actual Adele to go away.

Ben K: I wouldn’t worry about it.

Hannah Alexis C.: Why?

Ben K: Because she’s back. I can see her in the bushes right behind us.

[Cut to Adele hiding behind the bushes]

[music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] Hello from inside this bush

Hannah Alexis C.: [annoyed] I am going back into the mansion.

[Cut to Adele]

Adele: So, I think night one’s been an absolute smash, but I’m starting to get the feeling that I might be coming on a bit strong. I think Ben K sort of likes that more laid back American vibe. So, for the rest o the night, I’ve decided that I’m going to play it really, really chill and cool.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele talking at the party.]

Adele: You know, if you want to talk to someone else, it’s totally fine.

Ben K: Really?

Adele: Yeah. I don’t even know if I even really like you that much. If it works out, it works out.

[Lauren walks in]

Lauren: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Adele immediately breaks the wine glass in her hand]

[music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ‘head and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare

Lauren: Okay, I’m a huge fan but I don’t feel safe with her here.

Ben K: Okay, you know what? I know there’s still 20 minutes left in the show but I think we got a call with you, Adele. It’s been a very intense night and I think you should leave the mansion.

Adele: I don’t know if I’d call this a mansion. But I understand. Good luck, ladies. And thank you, Ben. And I will now leave and I will go quietly. I promise. There will be no more drama from me.

[Adele just walks away]

Lauren: Well, that’s so sad.

Ben K: I know. I kind of wanted her to finish ‘Someone Like You’.

Lauren: Wait, I think I can see her coming back. [music starts playing] Yep, there she is.

[Adele walks back with a mic]

Adele: [singing] I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

[everyone stands up and starts rocking their bodies to Adele’s song]

I had hoped you’d see my face
And that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over

All: Yes, she is singing it!

Adele: Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
“Don’t forget me, ” I beg
I remember you said
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”

Thank you everyone. Catch me next week on ‘Love Island’.

Jack Flatts

Kyle Mooney

Trevor… Beck Bennett

Cory… Andrew Dismukes

Roven… Kenan Thompson

Trish…Lauren Holt

[Starts with Jack Flatts commerical]

Female voice: Due to covid-19 stay at home restrictions, Jack Flatts has been unable to serve you our delicious retro burgers and shakes indoors. We know how much our loyal customers miss coming in and enjoying Jack Flatts classic American fair and our server’s hilarious wise cracking attitudes. But we’re still here, serving the community as best we can by offering free Curbside Pickup and delivery–

[rock music playing]

[Cut to three people who are yelling and protesting angrily]

Trevor: Open up Jack Flatts now. Enough of this new normal crap.

Kyle: I wanna eat in a restaurant where the waiters make fun of you. And not just Curb Side, inside.

Cory: I don’t care what the state says. Before all this covid stuff when Jack Flatts opened up a new store, the governor was so happy to go out there and wave and stuff. Now,no?

Trevor: If you don’t open up Jack Flatts, I’m gonna… [small voice] kidnap the governor.

Kyle: I want the waiters to tease me while I’m eating saying, “You sure you can eat all that, big boy?” I want you to tease without a mask so I can hear what they’re saying. And if I don’t get teased without a mask… [small voice] I’ll kidnap the governor.

Trevor: Hey, this is my best bud, Roven. [Roven walks in] We have the same birthday, except he’s 19 years older. And every year, we go to Jack Flatts to celebrate. And what? Now we can’t coz the state says so?

Roven: Open up the playground.

Trevor: Yeah. You’re right. Mainly open up Jack Flatts. Otherwise, me and Roven… [small voice] will tie up the governor hiding somewhere.

Cory: I miss it. I miss the wacko fries, I miss the Joe Schmo burger, the flat melt, smash pies, host that looks like the goth girl from CSI. She is nasty but she calls me hunk coz I go there a lot.

Kyle: If you don’t open Jack Flatts, me, Trevor, Cory, Roven… [small voice] we’re gonna do it.

Trevor: Roven’s got all the stuff in his trunk.

Roven: Yeah. I always do.

Trevor: I don’t like the masks. I always get it up side down. I can’t see smiles.

Roven: Wanna see smiles.

[Cory pulls Trish in]

Cory: This is Trish, the funniest waitress at Jack Flatts. I showed up for Curb Side with mustard on my shirt and she didn’t even make fun of me. Just let it fly. What the hell am I paying for?

Trish: Okay, I don’t know what’s going on but this dude told me if I quit my shift, he would give me $1000 and put me in a movie.

Kyle: I get it. Not everybody likes to be teased. Don’t come here then. It’s just for fun. We’re not making fun of the real you. Just you as a customer.

Trish: So, is this like, a porno? Because honestly, at this point I don’t even care. I just want that $1000.

[Cory pushes Trish away]

Trevor: Just open up Jack Flatts. No masks, Joe schmoe burger and endless wacko fries, smashed pies, free gup buster refills. Jack Top bands playing all their hits. Otherwise… [small voice] I’m gonna snatch you up.

Cory: Yup. [small voice] Grab and trap you, the governor. Gonna blow and pass the guards.

[Kyle is holding a band’s picture]

Kyle: One of the guys in Jack Top band is like our game thing. Our group. And he wants to go back and play their hits.

Roven: Let them think.

Cory: [holding George Washington’s picture] George Washington wanted the British to tease him. He fought them to have that and soon as the British government said, “No more teasing, not allowed to tease that man,” what did George Washington do? [small voice] Kidnapped them. King, prince, everybody.

Trevor: That’s might up. Huh? They opened it back up. Made it back to be old mama guy.

[Trish walks back in]

Trish: Look, if I don’t get my money, I’m gonna slap the hell out of one of you virgins.

Cory: Hah! Good one, Trish.

Trish: I’m not joking.

[Back to Jack Flatts commercial]

Female voice: At Jack Flatts, we hope to see you soon.

Sam Adams

Heidi Gardner

Kevin R. … Alex Moffat

Jonathan E. … Beck Bennett

Sean S. … Bill Burr

Kori A. … Ego Nwodim

Daria C. … Lauren Holt

Son… Mikey Day

[Starts with Heidi serving the beer in glass and speaking.]

Female voice: Sam Adams has brewed signature beers in the heart of Boston since 1984. So who better to try out our Jack-O Pumpkin Boston Ale than real Bostonians?

Kevin R.: You know, it’s got that great Sam Adams taste, but the pumpkin flavor. Really kicks it up a notch.

Jonathan E.: I love Sam October fest, but I think this might even be better.

[Seas S. takes of sip of beer and spits it out.]

Sean S.: Jesus Christ. What the [bleep] is that?

Kori A.: Okay. This is the perfect beer for sweater weather.

Sean S.: Okay, let’s try this for real. [Sean S. drinks a whole glass of beer at once.] I don’t like that.

Daria C.: I’m not a really beer drinker, but this might change that.

Sean S.: This is a kind of beer somebody brings to a party at your house and then just sits in the fridge for like, 8 months. And then one day, your buddy comes your home and he’s like, “Hey, you got a beer?” And I’m like, “Well, you know, I got this pumpkin shit.” So, you drink it. And, you know, gets you a buzz.

[His son is behind him shopping]

Son: Pop, come on!

Sean S.: [yelling] I’m coming!

Son: You’ve been sitting there for half an hour and I have to work.

Sean S.: I’m enjoying myself. You know, you’re just like your mother! [son walks away] Oh, there you go.

Kori A.: You guys should sell this year around. Seriously, it’s so–

[Sean S. walks behind Kori A. interrupting the video.]

Sean S.: Sorry, sorry. Just grabbing one more. [He opens the bottle and spills the beer everywhere.] Oh, watch it. My bad.

Jonathan E.: I can definitely taste the hops.

[Sean S. is shopping his groceries being very loud with his son.]

Sean S.: Hot Tots, Reese’s Puffs? What are you, eight? Go get some stop & shop corn flakes in the Welfare Bag. [his son is staring at him] What’s that look? Are you gonna take a swing at me? Is today the day? Hah? Is this the day that you swing at your old man? Is that what it is? Come on, you a man now? [son walks away] Didn’t think so.

[Son throws a bag of corn flakes at him. They start fighting.]

Female voice: Sam Adams Jack-O Pumpkin Ale, real Bostonians agree.

All: It’s a winner.

Sean S.: You know, it’s kind of sweet and [bleep] but, you know, there’s nothing else to drink. You guys called the cops?

Superspreader Event

Ashley… Heidi Gardner

Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day

Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt

Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock

Doctor… Pete Davidson

Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett

Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.

[Cut to Ashley in her set]

Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?

Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.

Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m sorry.

Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.

Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.

Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.

Dylan: Oh my god, is right.

Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.

Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?

Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.

Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.

Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.

Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.

Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.

Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–

Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”

Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.

Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.

Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.

Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.

Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.

Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.

Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?

Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?

Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.

Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.

Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.

Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.

NBA Bubble

Patrice Soupsalad… Chris Rock

Candis… Ego Nwodim

Queenie… Chloe Fineman

Kittie…Lauren Holt

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Punkie Johnson

Delivery guy… Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Adam Silver… Alex Moffat

Athlete… Chris Redd

Meghan Thee Stallion

[Starts with ESPN show intro]

Male voice: Live from Big Thunder Mountain Hotel in Orlando, it’s the NBA Bubble Draft finals. With your host, Patrice Soupsalad.

[Cut to Soupsalad in the show set]

Soupsalad: Welcome, welcome, welcome. That’s right. During this unique NBA season, our players have been completely isolated from their wives, their girlfriends and whoever else they might wanna see. None of we reached NBA finals. These lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA bubble. This is the a NBA Bubble draft.

[Cut to sponsored ads]

Male voice: Brought to you by, Summer’s Eve Lysol wipes, because you may have sadden someone, and you don’t want to get it that way!

[Cut back to Soupsalad]

Soupsalad: Now, these women may not get an NBA championship ring, but they can get the next best thing. Soupsalad8 years of child support.

[There are three women standing beside Soupsalad]

Let’s pick the top draft picks.

Candis: I’m Candis and I’ve got a really impressive resume. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Dicky, Wesley Snipes and two years of nursing school. Shublop!

Queenie: I’m Queenie, a former hockey ho who styled in in two sports. I used the follow the Canucks but now I follow the Kanicks. Leave me in a bubble.

Kittie: [holding a syringe] I’m Kittie. I’m an essential worker here to shoot my shot.

Soupsalad: So, you’re a COVID nurse?

Kittie: [nodding her head] Sure!

Soupsalad: Seeing a lot of promise here today. It’s gonna be difficult to choose the smartest, the prettiest, and the most down for whatever, if you know what I mean. So, who’s next?

[There’s another woman dressed in leopard print dress and she is holding a bag.]

Aidy: A-hah! Honey, how’d I get this bag, how’d I get this ring? Well, let’s just say it’s velvet down there. [pointing at the audience] Hey, hey, is that girl laughing at me?

[Cut to the audience. They are just real-life-size cardboard cutouts.]

Soupsalad: Sweetheart, that’s a cutout of a face.

Aidy: Well, she got a stank face and she’s flat as hell!

[Aidy walks out and Kate walks in.]

Kate: Hey, hey. Is this where the Seattle Storm and the Las Vegas Aces are staying?

Soupsalad: I think you’re looking for the WNBA.

Kate: Ha-ha-ha. Right, you are, sir. Yes!

Soupsalad: Love is love. Love is basketball. Who’s next?

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Maya: My husband and I have been together singe high school. We have five kids and I am his rock. But he already told me wives aren’t allowed in the bubble, so I am just here to send my man some love.

Soupsalad: Well, you are allowed in the bubble. You just have to quarantine.

Maya: Oh, interesting. That is not the information that have been previously relayed to me. But now that I’m privy to this, my husband is a dead man.

Soupsalad: Things are heating up.

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Punkie: How y’all doing? I’m TJ and I’ve been here for 60 days, because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I can’t stop ordering buffalo wild wings.

Soupsalad: The bubble is tight. No ordering outside food.

Punkie: It’s alright because I made it to day 13, so I am good.

[A delivery guy walks in]

Delivery guy: Um, I have a buffalo wild wings delivery here.

Punkie: I said contactless delivery, man!

[Punkie walks out and Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Hi. I was actually quarantined in Disney World anyway. I just work in the hall of president’s. I played Monica Lewinsky, but then I got older. [whispering] Pills. And now I get to be Goofy. Marry me, basketball. Oh, I should put on my mask.

[Heidi wears Goofy dog’s mascot head.]

[There’s a sound playing]

Soupsalad: You know what that sound means. The draft pick has been made. Please welcome NBA commissioner, Adam Silver.

[Adam Silver walks in with a young basketball player walking behind him.]

Adam Silver: Hey! Alright. Good work, Soupsalad. Wow. You know, being here today just proves that even in a pandemic, you can’t keep a good ho down. With that being said, our point guard’s beautiful wife Michelle is here. So, obviously we’re gonna–

Athlete: [interrupting] Uh-uh. There’s a change of plans. I choose her. [pointing at Meghan]

Meghan: Ah! Oh my god! I promise you won’t regret this, okay? It’s been a long journey to get here. All the DM slotting, all the thirst trapping. You got my Amazon wishlist, right?

Athlete: Uh-huh.

Meghan: Love you.

Soupsalad: First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces, this has been the NBA Draft Bubble.