Tag: Melissa Villaseñor

Melissa Seals the Deal

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Melissa talking to his date at her apartment door.]

Melissa: Oh, man. I had the best time. Well, it’s getting late. Goodnight. Unless, you wanna come in for a little bit. [There’s no one. Melissa is just talking alone.] You do? Oh, cool. [Melissa opens the door] Lead the way.

[Melissa gets two glasses of wine and lights the fireplace. She then sits on the sofa alone.]

Can I get you anything else? Oh, sorry, I don’t have any cigars. I’ll add that to my shopping list. Do you like movies? Me too. Okay, favorite movie on the count of three. Ready? One, two, three. “Flubber.” Ah! I was totally going to say “American History X.” I swear. [starts blushing] Why are you looking at me like that? I’m only looking at you coz you’re looking at me. Stop it. I’m not the most beautiful girl in the United States. [smiling] Okay, I guess I am. [kisses the air] Ha-ha. Your tongue’s tiny. [starts kissing the air intimately.]

[Cut to Melissa in her bed. She’s wearing her gown.]

What? Your scars don’t bother me. I think it’s pretty cool you were attacked by a wolf. Wait, before we go any further, there’s something you should know. [whispering] You don’t have to be gentle with me.

[Cut to Melissa waking up in the morning]

Good morning, you tall drink of milk. Last night was crazy. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.

[Melissa walks into the bathroom. She looks at the commode.]

What the heck? Did you plug up my toilet? Oh, man! Get out of my house, you weirdo. And cut your toenails. My legs are all cut up.

[door shutting sound]

Oh, Meliss, you sure know how to pick em’.

On the Couch

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

The Weeknd

[Music video starts with three guys sitting on the couch]

[music playing]

 Kenan: [singing] Out drinking with my boys late night
come home to my lady past midnight
she waiting up, she throwing me shade
we having words, this is what she said

She said I’m out too late, she pushed me away
well there ain’t nothing in this world that I can say

Chorus: So, I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
she got me on the couch tonight
I did wrong, but I meant to do right
Now I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch

 Chris: Workin’ late, makin’ paper, hittin’ deadlines
Comin’ home, now it’s crawlin’ in to bed time
I pull the sheet, she tellin’ me no
I asked her why, but I already know
Chorus: So, I’m on the couch tonight
she got me on the couch tonight
She in bed all tucked in tight
But I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch

The Weeknd: We make dinner like lovers do
I pour her wine and–
Chorus: I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch tonight
Don’t seem too fair this time
I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
Kenan: I wake her up with roses on the bed
Tell her all the sweet thoughts in my head
She roll her eyes and–

Chorus: I’m sleepin on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
Chris: I buy her Prada, Say I love her mama
She says I’m—
Chorus: Sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
The Weeknd: I say hello, and—
Chorus: I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the—

The Weeknd: Girl, we all make mistakes, it’s true
Tell me what I gotta do
To get back into bed with you
What did I ever do to you?
Oh
Chris: What did I do, girl?
Ego: Cheated on me almost every day
Kenan:True
Ego: I caught you cheatin’ on me yesterday
Kenan: You did
Ego: You even cheated on me on my couch
Kenan: Yes
Ego: And that’s why your ass is in the doghouse
Kenan: Fair
Melissa: I ain’t mad about you workin’ late
Chris: Good
Melissa:But you got ten credit cards in my name
Chris: Word
Melissa: You maxed ’em out, now my credit’s bad
Chris: Right
Melissa: And why’d you take out life insurance on me?

Heidi: We broke up five years ago
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: I got married to another guy
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: He’s sick of you crashin’ here
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: You really gotta stop comin’ over here
The Weeknd: What?
[music stops]
Daniel: You really can’t keep comin’ here, bud. I know you ain’t really got a place to stay, but we got kids.

The Weeknd: But…

Daniel: No, no buts. It’s gotta stop, okay?

The Weeknd:Yeah.

Daniel: All right, well, see you around.
The Weeknd: [in the car] Guess I’m sleepin’ in my car tonight
Sleepin’ in my car
[music stops.]

[Daniel knocks on The Weeknd’s car window.]
Daniel: You can’t park in our driveway, bud. Come on, you gotta go. Let’s go.

The Weeknd: Alright. You don’t have to stand there and watch me leave. No, I don’t have to, but I’m gonna.

[The Weeknd drives away.]

[The End]

Deep Quote Game

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Louis… Danel Craig

Lisa… Kate McKinnon

Duff… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of colleagues playing board games in home.]

Chris: One more settlement and boom! That’s seven points victory. Marcus?

Kyle: Oh, man! Come on!

Louis: And here I am thinking we’re gonna have a nice pleasant game night with my wife’s work colleagues. And what? It’s a blood bath.

Lisa: Well, I hate to break it to you guys but I think we’re out of game.

Meli: It’s late. We should probably get going anyway.

Duff: Or we could quote?

Lisa: What’s that?

Duff: Um, we could quote? Like, say lines from movies and guess them?

Lisa: Oh. Oh. Okay. Is that a game that you like, Duff?

Duff: Yeah. Yeah. It really is.

Kyle: Actually, I just called a Lyft home. So…

Duff: Oh, then um… cancel it coz looks like we’re gonna quote.

Ego: Um, okay. Umm… I can start. “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

All: Harry Potter.

Duff: —and the sorcerer’s stone.

Louis: Oh. She’s right. Duff gets the point.

Duff: Yeah, cool. And now, I get to go coz I got that one. Okay. “I need two new suits off the rack. One light and one dark.”

Ego: No clue.

Louis: On, no, no, no. I know this one. This is… Aviator.

Duff: Oh, dammit! That was too easy.

Chris: Easy? That sounded vague as hell.

Duff: [looking at Louis deeply] Wow. You know your quote.

Louis: Yeah, I actually do.

Duff: Hah! Big D energy over there.

Louis: Yeah, that too.

Lisa: Louis, what was that?

Louis: It’s my turn. Here we go. “Thanks for walking in and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not feeling so well.”

Duff: As good as it gets.

Louis: Oh!

Ego: What?

Kyle: You’re killing me.

Louis: How were you able to do that?

Duff: What? Do you quote?

Louis: Yeah.

Duff: Um, I don’t know. Probably coz I spend a lot of time watching movies all the time.

Louis: Hah. So, you’re a little quote queen?

Duff: I mean, if you’d say that. What– What are you? A flick daddy?

Louis: Only the biggest flick daddy you’ll ever meet in your whole life.

Lisa: Louise? Pal, you have a job.

Louis: No, I don’t. I’ve got fired six months ago.

[Louis turns towards Duff]

Lisa: Excuse me?

Louis: You’re very serious. [looks away] Who’s up?

Chris: Yeah. Maybe let’s stick to like, more well known quotes.

Duff: Sorry, but there’s no rule against deep movie.

Louis: No, she’s right. You know, it’s not a game if you don’t deep quote.

Lisa: Louis, deep quote?

Louis: Yeah, bud. Deep quote.

Lisa: The ‘bud’ thing gotta stop right now.

Duff: Alright. Okay, okay. My turn. Guess I’ll pick an easy one. Okay. “Hey, hi, I didn’t know you were here.”

Louis: Got it. No, no. Someone else go. Someone else go.

Kyle: Duff, it’s not a ton of identifying information in there.

Ego: Yeah, girl. What are you quoting?

Louis: Guys, it’s easy. Failure to Launch. Keep up, you morons.

Chris: Hey, I don’t like that.

Meli: Hey, Duff, maybe let’s play this another time.

Duff: What? No. We’re tied 2-2. I’m not about to lay down and let Lisa’s hot husband rail me.

Lisa: My husband?

Ego: Rail you?

Duff: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, quote off. You and me.

Louis: Alright. Let’s go, little girl.

Duff: Okay. “What made you pick me?”

Louis: Captain Phillips.

Duff: Ugh! Dammit. Go.

Louis: Only buddy goodie. “What are we supposed to do?”

Duff: Captain Phillips. Oh! Trying to trick me. Okay.

Louis: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Duff: Okay. Here’s another one. “It’s okay.”

Louis: Captain Phillips. You sneaky bitch!

[Duff and Louis are giggling]

Ego: Stop quoting Captain Phillips.

Louis: Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. “Go-do-un-bujah.”

Duff: “Go-do-un-bujah.” They are rich. parasite!

Meli: Parasite?

Chris: So, now you y’all know Korean? That’s stupid.

Duff: Okay, okay. Final round. No words, act out only.

Louis: Alright. Easy. I’ll start.

[Louis just raises his hands]

Duff: Up In the Air.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: Got it.

All: Up In the Air?

Duff: Okay, okay. My turn.

[Duff just coughs. Now, Duff and Louis are standing facing each other.]

Louis: Oh, Philadelphia! Get out!

Duff: Alright. Okay. You’re up.

Louis: Okay, okay. I got it.

[Louis kisses Duff]

All: No! No! No!

Duff: The notebook.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: I knew it was Gosling from your tongue.

[Lisa stands]

Lisa: Alright. Enough of this. Get out of my house.

Duff: [pointing at Lisa] Broke By Mountain.

Louis: Broke By Mountain.

Lisa: Get the hell out.

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.]

[cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way
then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.]

[Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer

Talent Show

Devin… Mikey Day

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Principal Rigen… Kenan Thompson

Roberta… Tina Fey

Susan… Melissa Villaseñor

Leslie Jones

Devin… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Devin and Tyler performing in a talent show. They’re both wearing karate gee. Tyler is holding a fort and Devin is about to hit it.]

Devin: Using the raw power of my right hand, I will chop this fort in half.

Tyler: Wait, Devin, what if you hit my chest and my heart stops?

Devin: Good point. Never mind, we withdraw from competition because we are afraid.

[Devin and Tyler bow. Principal Rigen walks in.]

Principal Rigen: Okay. let’s give it up for Devin and Tyler. Ha-ha. [audience clapping] Right. Devin and Tyler. Two 18 old boys terrified by a piece of wood. Ain’t that nice. Ha-ha. Alright now. Up next is Susan Turners performing with her mother’s last PTA majority whip, Roberta Turners.

[Roberta and Susan walk to the stage]

Roberta: Whoo! Hello! Livingston high school, class of 2018, how we doing, Lions? Rawr! Fun. Anyway, I am Roberta.

Susan: I am Scissors.

Roberta: She is Susan.

Susan: Don’t run with me. I’ll poke your eye out.

Roberta: Okay. Spooky! Susan’s going through a bit of a phase. I’m sure all your parents can understand that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No, my son is his own person and I respect his choices.

[Cut to Roberta and Susan]

Roberta: Okay. Wow, you really hung me out to dry there. Well, everybody, we are performing the very same mother-daughter routine that we did at her first grade talent show. [sobbing] Oh, my god. Okay.

Susan: For the record, I wanted to do a different song.

Roberta: Okay. The song choice is final. DJ, hit it.

[music playing]

[Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Roberta: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “Where you gonna live your life right?”

Susan: [singing] Well, maybe I just wanna live my life wrong
Bill Gates never went to college, mom!

Roberta: Okay, stop. Susan, can I speak to you in private?

[Principal Rigen walks in]

Principal Rigen: Ha-ha, okay. Alright. Little mother-daughter moment there folks. They’ll be back momentarily. Ah, now, some of y’all might be wondering, “Why is Principal Rigen’s allowing this to continue?” Well, the answer is, Roberta and I have a sexual relationship. And, yeah, the phrase ‘no strings’ was throwing around a lot at the beginning. Yet here I am obligated to assist. Isn’t sex funny like that to y’all?

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No. Sex isn’t funny. It’s beautiful and sacred.

[Cut to the stage]

Principal Rigen: Okay, so you just disagree with everybody? Huh?

[Roberta and Susan walk to stage again]

Roberta: Sorry for the disruption. I think Susan might be a little hermonal.

Susan: Argh!

Roberta: Okay. DJ, hit that track.

[music playing]

[Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Susan: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “I can’t drive you to the protest, Susan. I have book club.” Mom?

Roberta: Alright. That’s enough. Okay, Susan, may I have a word with you in the wings please?

Susan: Argh!

[Principal Rigen walks in again]

Principal Rigen: It’s like, you know, one day we just banging, you know? But then the next day, it’s like, “Hey, can you take Susan to school? You already going there, right?” And then it’s like, “Oh, I’m getting groceries now. Alright.” And now I’ma be making a fool out of myself. Well, you know what? Why don’t we just move on to the next act. Give it up for Dylan and his amazing invisible box.

[Devin walks in. He acts like he is putting his hand on the box, then stepping on it. Then he leaves the stage.]

Principal Rigen: Well, I mean the booty is worth it. You know? Like, the booty is worth it, y’all.

[Roberta and Susan walk in]

Roberta: Okay, okay. Now, Susan has generously agreed to cooperate. DJ, play the song.

Susan: Yeah, Brandon, play the song.

[The DJ plays the song “Chop Suey” by System Of A Down.]

Roberta: Oh, Susan, turn this off right this instant.

Susan: [singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: Stop. This is last warning. I’ll call the authorities. [looks at the audience] Everyone’s nodding. I think they love it.

[The audience are doing the headbang]

I think I love it.

Susan: There’s a part where you come in at mom.

Roberta: We’re doing this together?

Susan: Yeah.

[singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: You wanted to

Oh, this song is fun. I like this.

Chicago Improv

Alex Moffat

Tina Fey

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Luke Null

[Starts with video clips of “Chicago Fire.”]

Male voice: You love “Chicago Fire”, the greedy drama about the brave men and women in the windy city. And you couldn’t tear your eyes away from Chicago PD. Now, Dick Wolf is back with a new drama about another group of Chicago and struggling in the face of an unforgiving city.

[A group of young people gather together]

Alex: You guys ready?

Tina: Let’s do this.

[The group walk to the stage]

Male voice: It’s Dick Wolf’s “Chicago Improv.” An unfiltered look at the cut through world of the Chicago’s Improv comedy scene.

Tina: All we need is a suggestion of household object. Anything you have around your house.

Audience: Dildo.

Tina: Okay. Um, something other than dildo please.

Audience: Two dildos.

Male voice: Unflinching in its depiction of the real lives of the Chicago Improvisors. Dialog ripped from real life improv classes.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey arguing about their improv]

Alex: Hey! Great object work out there.

Mikey: Oh, yeah. Coz all of your sweep edits were perfectly timed.

[Melissa walks in sobbing]

Melissa: [yelling] Stop it! We’re all in the same Herald team.

[Chris walks in from the door]

Chris: Guys, you know who’s in the audience right now?

Male voice: “What the hell was everything they just said?” asks The New York Times. And the Boston Globe wonders, “Who is Greg Amico? Should I know who that is?” Watch as people wearing plaid balance love and ambition in America’s number three comedy market.

[Cut to Alex running into Tina in the streets]

Alex: I heard you’re doing standup now?

Tina: Just some open mics.

Alex: I guess you’ll have what you wanted. Stage all to yourself.

Tina: Hey! How many people from Torco even make it to main stage?

Male voice: I don’t really know who the bad guys is here.

[Cut to the team having fun in a room. Mikey walks in.]

Mikey: Guys, I booked it. I’m filming two commercials for Lou Malnati’s.

[Everyone is speechless and angry. Chris walks towards him clapping slowly]

Chris: Congrats… Hollywood.

Male voice: “The only show with real Chicago faces and bodies… I wanna see pretty people” complains the Hollywood Reporter. While USA Today says, “The fire imagery was misleading.”

[Cut to the team performing]

Tina: [acting handicapped] My name is Jakie Jake and I was born in a log cabin.

Male voice: “Did Dick Wolf lose a bet? Why did he make this?” asks the Wall Street Journal. “Too much improv” says Improv Magazine. If they didn’t like it, you’re gonna hate Dick Wolf’s “Chicago Improv.”

Dirty Talk

Donald Clover

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a man and a woman getting into their bed.]

Man: Hey, baby. Looking good.

Woman: Thanks. Well, goodnight.

Man: Wait, wait, wait. Baby, it’s Saturday.

Woman: Oh, yeah. Sex night. I’m jazzed to do it. Let’s start.

[Woman leans towards Man]

Man: Wait, wait, wait. I was just thinking maybe we can mix it up a little tonight. You know, try a little dirty talk. Saying stuff that you shouldn’t say.

Woman: Alright.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah. You’re like the little slut, huh?

Woman: Um, that’s so retarded.

[Man backs off]

Man: What? What? Don’t say the R word though, coz that’s like, really offensive, right?

Woman: Depends on how I use it, I guess.

Man: No, it’s kind of bad. Let’s just stay away from that. Maybe try like, being, you know, little mean to me. You know?

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Yeah, come on, girl. Hurt me.

Woman: Your dad’s dead.

[Man backs off]

Man: Baby? That wound’s still fresh. I’m like, really sad now.

Woman: Oh, man. I’m sorry. Are you sure you don’t want to do it the normal way? Lazy sideways?

Man: No. Look, I wanna try this. I think we could spice things up. It’d be good for us, you know? How about you just call me a little bitch or something.

Woman: Ooh, okay. I like that.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Oh, I want you.

Woman: Yeah, you do, you little bitch.

Man: Ooh, you’re so mean to me.

Woman: Coz you’re my little brother, bitch. Now, scram!

[Man backs off]

Man: What?

Woman: Stay out of my room, dork!

Man: No. Don’t. Baby, don’t be my sister. That turns me off.

Woman: But you were saying, “Oh, yeah.”

Man: Yeah, that was before I knew you had made us siblings. You know? So, no big twists. Maybe we just– I’ll take a lead. How about that? [Woman nods yes] Alright.

Woman: Yeah, right, dweeb! Mom and dad put me in charge.

Man: Baby, that scenario, we’re not doing it anymore. Okay? Here, I’ll talk dirty to you. Alright? Is that cool? [They try to do the dirty talk] Oh, you little freak!

Woman: [impersonating] Yes, I’m the Elephant Man.

[Man backs off]

Man: No. Not the Elephant Man, okay? That’s not sexy. That’s like, really sad. He had a sad life and the image in my head is the worst possible thing for sex. You know? Okay, but clearly you wanna role play. So, how about I’m a cop and you’re a criminal?

Woman: Oh, sounds naughty.

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Coz I killed my mom.

Man: No, no, no. You didn’t murder anyone.

Woman: Yeah, I did. She’s in the trunk.

Man: No, no, no. Different crime, okay? You’re not a murderer. You’re different criminal, baby. You’re like– [They try to do the dirty talk] Hand up, you’re under arrest.

Woman: [impersonating Bill Cosby] But the general pudding pop said–

[Man backs off]

Man: No! Don’t be Bill Cosby. Don’t ever be Bill Cosby in the bedroom. Don’t. You know what? Forget it. It’s fine. This isn’t gonna work. Let’s just watch TV.

Woman: Oh, so that’s it? Man, you’re such a bitch sometimes.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah, I like that.

Woman: [impersonating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.

Man: No, don’t be Fat Albert.

Wild Wild Country

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Sheila … Nasim Pedrad

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Netflix video bumper. It’s a documentary about hippy cult.]

[Cut to people walking in groups everyone wearing red.]

Aidy: It was the most fulfilling time of my life.

Beck: We created an entire community based on compassion and sharing.

Kate: Rajneesh’s agenda was simply to raise consciousness. That was his goal.

Female voice: It was beautiful.

Male: It was about love.

Kenan: Me? I do it for the ass.

Sheila: The people of Oregon was so blinded by their bigotry that they couldn’t even witness the miracle that was happening right in front of them.

Kenan: I mean, there was ass everywhere. Damn!

Melissa: I don’t know where they came from, but I wish they’d go back.

Alex: We weren’t just gonna sit back and let some cult move in and take over our town. I mean, this was our home.

Kenan: They would do these meditations. Everybody get butt naked and just wiggling their flappy parts. I put on my old adidas track suit and blended in with them hippies. And before I knew it, I was knee deep in happy ass. Ain’t no hip!

Beck: When I saw Rajneesh in person, I was so overcome with joy and emotion. I cried like a baby.

Kenan: I see this long caravan of cadillacs roll up and I’m thinking, “Hmm, that must be the OJ or somebody.” Then this brother steps out dressed in all red and everybody following him were dressed in all red too. And I said to myself, “Oh, lord. Here come the bloods.”

Alex: He was a conman. He had those people brainwashed.

Melissa: I don’t like that guy.

Aidy: He was incredible. He spoke with this, unbelievable power. So much grace.

Kenan: Man, I ain’t understand a damn word he was saying. I just know 10,000 horny white women showed up the town wearing no bras overnight. So, I told my old lady, “Look, baby, I think we’re growing apart.”

Aidy: The town was a bunch of trash hicks.

Pete: They all have this weird dead look in their eyes. I don’t know if it’s drugs or satanic.

Beck: There were no drugs in the community.

Kenan: I’d do a little bump before I left the house. And then another one just outside the house. And then one more before going back in the house. But that was it. Whoow!

Sheila: Free love was certainly part of it.  It was essential to our spiritual journey.

Sheila when she was young: Okay, who want’s to [bleep] Sheila?

[Kenan raises his hand]

Kenan: Man, Sheila was a freak. She made me harder than trigonometry.

Alex: We’d hear them at night loudly having sex like animals.

Kenan: Oh, it was wonderful. You could smell the sex funk from miles. It was thick. Smell like a karate class for monkeys.

Aidy: And it all changed.

Kate: A bomb went off.

Aidy: They bombed out hotel and it was a deliberate attack.

Sheila: If I didn’t take measures to protect our community, no one else would do it.

[Now, all the women have guns]

Sheila when she was young: They want to play rough? Okay. Would you kill for Bagwan?

Kenan when he was young: Who’s bagwan?

Kenan: All of a sudden, everybody was walking around with pistols. I said, “I knew y’all was the bloods. Don’t you get me caught up in this mess.” You see, I’m from Compton. I left because of the crime situation. I committed bunch of crimes and it became a situation.

Beck: It’s a shame that western would couldn’t accept us.

Kate: We were free.

Sheila: We were a religion.

Kenan: We was the bloods.

Male voice: Sheila, whatever your plans are, we don’t want the Rajneeshs. We don’t want the orange people in our town.

Sheila when she was young: What can I say? Tough [bleep]

Kenan: You one crazy ass Puerto Rican lady.

National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]

Nike Women’s Ad

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clips of women engaging in physical exercises and sports.]

[music playing]

Female voice: With Nike, women push it to the limit everyday.

[Melissa is practicing boxing on punching bag]

Melissa: Let’ just say, I roll with the punches.

Female voice: Because what you do is who you are.

Heidi: I’m a runner. I run.

Melissa: I’m a fighter. I fight.

[Aidy is sitting on a cough chilling]

Aidy: And I just sit the hell down and chill in these soft pants.

Female: Introducing the new Nike Pro-Chiller Leggings. Designed for endurance but used for what most women actually do in leggings. Setting up shop on their couch.

Kate: Coz let’s get real. Leggings can be pants, pajamas and a napkin.

Female: Nike Pro-Chiller Legging is advance enough to keep up with you wherever you go.

Heidi: The highest peak.

Melissa: The top of the podium.

Aidy: Couch. Bed. Other side of couch. Front door to receive delivery of one single bagel.

Female: With patented moisture wicking technology, 360 degrees of support and 190 degrees of hot lap.

Aidy: Coz I bring the heat. Leggings, blanket, laptop. Couch panini.

Kate: And I’m tired from my nap.

Heidi: I make my own rules.

Melissa: There are no rules.

Aidy: Except for Vanderpump rules. Hell, yeah.

Kate: Women can do anything they want. And I wanna do… Nothing!

Melissa: No fear.

Heidi: No limits.

Aidy: No bra, ever!

Kate: My Fitbit says I’m dead.

Female voice: The new Nike Pro-Chiller Legging.

Melissa: Because I can beat the odds.

Heidi: Because I can cross the finish line.

Aidy: Because I can’t just put my naked butt on the couch.