Tag: Melissa Villaseñor

Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro]

[Cut to “Outnumbered” intro]

[Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree]

[Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jurassic Park Auditions

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

Alan Alda, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood… Bill Hader

Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow, Jodie Foster… Kate McKinnon

Wesley Snipes, Jaleel White… Chris Redd

Roseanne Barr… Aidy Bryant

Gwen Stefoni… Melissa Villaseñor

Joey Lawrence… Kyle Mooney

Drew Barrymore… Heidi Gardner

Pee Wee Herman… Mikey Day

Whoopi Golberg… Leslie Jones

Adam Sandler… Pete Davidson

Sinbad, OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Eddie Vedder… Luke Null

[starts with video clips from the Jurassic Park]

Male voice: 25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the door to Jurassic Park. And inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary rerelease, you can watch the original 1992 screen test.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.

Hugh Grant: [speaking fast] Yes. Hate to be a bother but if you look behind you, there’s a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster? To escape? It’s a rather large teeth.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Alon Alda for Muldoon.

Alon Alda: [acting like he’s holding a gun] Clever girl. When dinosaur comes out and attacks me? Oh, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is it gonna be forced perspective? You know, that’s how we shot Jamie Farr on “Mash.” Yeah, I know. He’s only about two feet tall.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.

Ellen DeGeneres: Alright, wow. That’s a gigantic pile of dino poop. I’ve had stools on stage before but this is ridiculous. I’m just kidding. I’m 90’s Ellen.

[Cut to Wesley Snipes]

Wesley Snipes: Hey, I’m telling y’all. Spend your money. Alright? IRS can’t take it if it’s already spent. Can’t take something already gone. That’s a tax loophole for you, brother.

Director: Wesley.

Wesley Snipes: Huh?

Director: Could we get the line?

Wesley Snipes: Oh, yeah.  Bingo, dino DNA. Now, if y’all want my accountant’s number it’s 1900–

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.

Roseanne Barr: Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Director: Nope.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Adam Sandler for Muldoon.

Adam Sandler: Alright. Thank you.

[singing in squeaky voice] turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dee
I like the T-Rex, does T-Rex like me?

[screaming] Just shut up!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Whoopi Golberg as Dr. Sattler.

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, let’s talk about it. Coz the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then, I’ll get he dinosaur look like [making face]

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Pee Wee Herman.

Pee Wee Herman: Ha-ha. Uh-uh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.

Drew Barrymore: [in shaky voice] There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses. But I have to wonder, are we playing god?.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Joey Lawrence from Blossom.

Director: Okay, react to seeing a dinosaur for the first time.

Joey Lawrence: Whoa!

Director: Alright. Wanna try anything else?

Joey Lawrence: No!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Gwen Stefoni as the teenage girl.

Gwen Stefoni: I’m just a girl. Don’t need me, big dinosaur.

Director: Can we get a frighten scream?

Gwen Stefoni: [in girly way] Oooh!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Sinbad.

[Sinbad is there with a mic doing standup.]

Sinbad: Now, y’all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah. I wait downstairs while she tries on several touch. How y’all doing? Y’all good?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb [bleep].

Director: Hey, Al Pacino, this movie is supposed to be PG.

Al Pacino: PG? That’s gonna be a [bleep] nightmare for this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Lisa Kudrow.

Lisa Kudrow: Well, there’s T-Rex. And must- must move faster. Must move faster. Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jaleel White.

Director: Okay, so you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.

Jaleel White: Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer. I gotta go, man.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.

Eddie Vedder: [singing] Raptors are opening, opening the door. Daddy!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.

Jodie Foster: [whispering] Sometimes a mosquito would get caught in the sap. It was so sticky. So sticky.

Director: Could you try it a little happier?

Jodie Foster: [whispering] That’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Today is my birthday.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Okay. So, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Phew. It is good to be OJ right now. Ain’t nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, OJ, Go.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Clin Eastwood. Take one.

Clint Eastwood: Welcome to Jurassic Park. [he has think long fake dinosaur tail]

[Cut to Jurassic Park video bumper]

Male voice: The 25th anniversary , Jurassic Park.

Girlfriends Game Night

Aidy Bryant

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Genie… Cecily Strong

Horace… Bill Hader.

[Starts with three ladies waiting for

Aidy: What time is it? Is Genie still coming?

Anna: I just got a text. She’s saying they’re in the elevator.

Melissa: They? Oh, my god.

Aidy: Wait. Is she bringing her boyfriend?

Anna: His name is Horace and they’re married. Remember?

Melissa: Does she go anywhere without him? It’s just so weird.

Anna: You just think it’s weird because he’s an older man. Oh, shh. I think–

[Genie walks in. Horace is following her in on an automatic wheelchair. He is bald on top and has white hair on side and back. He is wearing a blanket and an old man sweater. He is very old.]

Genie: Hi. Hi. Sorry, we’re late. It’s been a chaotic week. Horace’s sons are suing me again. Horace, where are you going? To the– [Horace goes straight and hits the wall] Oh! Horace, be careful. You are being such a dude right now. [to her friends] Men. How do we, ladies? Speaking of, Anna, how was your honeymoon?

Anna: Oh. Paris was amazing.

Genie: Horace, they went to Paris. Anna went to Paris.

Horace: Uh-huh.

Aidy: That’s so romantic.

Genie: You know, Horace used to live in Paris during World War II. He can speak fluent French. Horace, speak some French.  Horace, speak some French to them.

Horace: No. [laughing]

Genie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Comedian. Right. Because ‘No’ is the same in French. You know, you’re laughing at your joke more than anyone else as usual.

[Horace is moving his shoulder like he’s laughing]

Aidy: Is he still laughing? Is maybe something wrong?

Genie: No. No. He is just tickled. Don’t encourage him.

Anna: Are you sure he’s okay?

Genie: Yes. Just let him have his laughing phase. Are you done?

Horace: Okay.

Anna: So? Are we gonna play Uno or what?

Aidy: Yes! Let’s do it.

Horace: I’m ready.

Aidy: Oh! Is Horace playing?

Horace: Genie, it’s here now?

Genie: It is? Like, right now? Oh, that’s inconvenient.

Melissa: What’s here?

Genie: Oh. He’s got a– You guys know how we’re trying to get pregnant. We’ve been working with the specialists. We’re doing all these treatments. Yada-yada-yada. His cialis kicked in.

Horace: It’s here. Let’s go.

Anna: Wait. What are you doing?

Genie: Well, we just have to take advantage when it’s here. Just, you know.

[Genie takes the blanket and sits on Horace’s lap]

Melissa: Why?

Genie: Hey, don’t worry. I have this courtesy blanket so you won’t see anything.

[Horace is shouting]

Melissa: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that here.

Horace: Oh, it’s a good one.

Genie: We have to. You guys know how bad I want a baby.

Aidy: Oh my god. You can’t do that old man here.

Horace: Oh, yeah. Look out.

Genie: Guys. It’s like breast feeding in public, okay? It’s about accomplishing a task. It’s not a sexual thing.

Anna: Alright. But sex is a sexual thing.

Genie: No, Anna, believe me, okay? This is all by the numbers. It’s science. It’s clinical. It’s boring.

Aidy: Okay. Well, can you at least use the bedroom?

Anna: Don’t offer my bedroom. I sleep in there.

Genie: Guys, guys, it’s nothing. I can talk and chew gum at the same time. You know what? Let’s just play. Horace, can you move me closer to the table? [Horace takes them to the table on his automatic wheelchair.] Slow, Horace. [They push the table far away] Slow. Horace. Horace, slow. Horace.

Aidy: Where are my cards? Okay, I will go first I guess.

Horace: Oh, yeah!

Genie: My cards are terrible.

Horace: Oh, yeah.

Anna: You know what? I’m sorry. You know what? I just– I can’t do this.

Horace: You can change your cards if you want.

Anna: No. Not the game. You and your husband doing that.

Genie: You guys, seriously. You know how important being a mom is to me.

Melissa: I know that. And I’m trying to not see what I’m seeing. But I think this is making it to the point where I can never look at you again.

Genie: Oh, my god. Okay. Does everyone feel that way?

Aidy: Actually, yeah.

Genie: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we will leave. Come on, Horace. Wow! [Genie and Horace move to the door on the wheelchair.] Slow. Slow. Horace.

Horace: You know what? No.

[Horace moves the wheelchair backwards pushing the table and everything.]

You know what? You should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman is your friend. She always dreamed of being a mom. It’s been a very difficult journey for her and she needs your support. If you can’t give her that, then you’re not a kind friend.

Genie: Oh!

Anna: Yeah.

Aidy: You’re right.

Melissa: We are sorry.

Anna: Yeah. You’re gonna make a excellent mother.

[Horace starts screaming]

Genie: Horace?

[The End]

Sasquatch

Melissa Villaseñor

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Sterling K. Brown

Randy… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Cut to a video of jungle myst. The caption reads “It came from the woods.”]

[Cut to five people enjoying campfire in Chauncey State Park at 11:43 PM.]

Melissa: Hey, Jackie. You’re gonna sneak into Matt’s tent again tonight and get down?

All: Ooh!

Jackie: Shut up. We didn’t have like, full on sex.

Matt: We made love over the clothes.

[Jackie looks at Matt angrily]

[there’s some animal sound coming from the bushes.]

Randy: You guys hear that? [Everybody stands. Randy walks near the bushes.] Hello?

[Something walks out of the bushes]

Jackie: Matt, what the hell is that?

Matt: Randy, freeze. I think that’s a Sasquatch.

Pete: Yo! That’s Bigfoot. Yo, I gotta get a selfie.

Matt: No! Everybody stay absolutely still. I watch a lot of monkey man on Discovery. Apes feel threatened by sudden movements.

[The Sasquatch is near Randy]

Randy: [doing hand gestures] Me. Friend. Me nice. No hurt. Friends. Friends. Friends. Me, you, the same.

[Sasquatch punches Randy]

Oh! What the hell! Matt!

Matt: Don’t freak out.

[Sasquatch is putting his fingers in Randy’s mouth.]

Randy: Matt? Matt? He wants to put his fingers in my mouth, Matt!

Matt: Bro, just let him do it. He is establishing dominance.

Randy: Oh, they smell like dried poo. Am I gonna get sick?

Jackie: Let him, Randy. God!

Randy: Matt! Get the shotgun out of your car!

Matt: Buckshot will barely leave a mark on this thing. [calling the Sasquatch] Hey! [moves near the fire] Fire! Huh? Hot. Warm.

[Sasquatch walks to the fire]

Randy: Fire.

[Sasquatch burns himself, runs backward and beats Randy.]

Matt: Oh, damn!

Randy: No! [yelling] No! Me strong. No, me strong. Me alpha. [Sasquatch and Randy growl at each other] You go. [Randy pushes Sasquatch and it leaves.] Yes, that’s right. [to his friends] What you think about that, Matt? King Kong ain’t got nothing.

[Sasquatch runs in and hits Randy. Randy falls down.]

Oh, Matt!

[Sasquatch pulls Randy up]

Okay!

Matt: Just go with him, Randy. You challenged him. So he is shaming you now.

Randy: Matt! He is making me hold his part.

Matt: Primates do this. I think it’s very common, maybe. He’s showing how non threatening you are.

[Sasquatch takes Randy’s hat and pees on it.]

Randy: Oh! He’s peeing on my hat, Matt!

Matt: He’s marking you. The process has begun.

[Pete is taking pictures of Sasquatch and Randy]

Randy: Don’t post that.

[Sasquatch gestures for Randy to put the hat back on.]

Put it on? Oh!

Matt: Oh, bro. That’s not good.

[Sasquatch pulls Randy towards the fire.]

Randy: What are you doing? Matt? Matt?

Matt: Just let him do it, Randy.

[Sasquatch makes Randy sit near the fire. He is placing his butt on Randy’s shoulders.]

Randy: What is this?

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-h.

Randy: Wiping his ass on my hat.

Matt: It will be over before you know it, bro.
Pete: Randy, catch!

[Pete throws a baseball bat to Randy. Randy catches it.]

Randy: [pointing the bat to the Sasquatch] Batter up!

[Sasquatch punches Randy again. It takes the baseball bat and starts hitting Randy with it. Randy runs into the tent.]

Matt, he has the bat.

[Sasquatch runs to the tend and start hitting it from the outside. It pulls the whole tent into the bushes.]

Jackie: Oh, no. Randy. He is–

[Randy jumps in]

Randy: Right here. I slipped out the back-flap of the tent. He may have a big foot, but I have a big brain.

[Sasquatch runs in near Randy again]

Matt?

[Sasquatch punches Randy into the sky.]

Family Feud- Oscars Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Guillermo del Toro… Beck Bennett

Allison Janney… Heidi Gardner

Jordan Peele… Chris Redd

Common… Sterling K. Brown

Sally Hawkins… Melissa Villaseñor

Willem Dafoe… Alex Moffat

Timothee Chalamet… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro]

Male voice: Celebrity Family Feud, Oscars edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in to the set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Alright. Okay, now. Welcome to the Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar edition. Now, you might not believe this but I have never went to Oscar. My live show won a Black Tony award which in the industry is called Tony Braxton. Alright, today we got Oscars winners versus Oscar losers. [cheers and applause] On the winner side, she just got Best Actress for three billboards, Frances McDormand.

Frances McDormand: Thank you. Thank you. And for all you ladies out there, I have two words that are going to change our industry. Burlap dress. Thank you.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you the kind of lady who goes to a dog park and appoints herself sheriff. Alright, next up, he won best director for the “Shape of Water,” and let me see if I’m pronouncing it correctly. Gucci Del Taco.

Guillermo del Toro: Hello, Steve. It’s Guillermo del Toro.

Steve Harvey: Now, your movie is about a lady who gets busy with a fish.

Guillermo del Toro: Ah! Fish monster. Yes. I love my monsters.

Steve Harvey: And it won Best Picture? Man, that sounds like Wayne’s Brothers movie. Ha-ha-ha. Alright, next. She just on an Oscar for “I, Tonya,” and Im’ sorry but I din’t see it, this is Allison Janney.

Allison Janney: Well, if you wanna know Oscar, I have one piece of advice. Act with the bird. [giggling] Oh! Thank you, pumpkin. If anything you gave me wings.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man I wish they made tiny little Oscars for birds. Oh! Alright, next. He just won best screenplay for “Get Out.” This is Jordan Peele. Congratulations, bro.

Jordan Peele: Thank you very much, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man. You are so funny too. I loved you on Key and Peele.

Jordan Peele: Well, sketch comedy is great but at some point, you have to move on. You know?

[Steve Harvey looks disappointed.]

Steve Harvey: [clears his throat] Um, you do?

Jordan Peele: Yeah. After a few years, you just gotta do something more artistic. You know?

Steve Harvey: How many years?

Jordan Peele: Are you okay, Steve?

Steve Harvey: Oh, who? Who? Me? Yeah. No, Im’ fine, player. Yeah. I’m real good. I’m real good. Let’s go over to the Oscars losers side. Alright, first up, he’s a rapper who won last year for best song but he lost this year. Common.

Common: Yo! Yo! Blessings, yo! It’s an honor to be a part of this family. Like, despite our feud, we still put food on the table. Provide for the children, make sure their future’s stable.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Yeah. Okay, okay. Let’s just slow it down there, Dr. Martin Luther sues. Alright, next, she was nominated for the “Shape of Water,” it’s the lady that got busy with the fish-man, Sally Hawkins.

Sally Hawkins: Hello, Steve. [does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Now, tell me. Was that fish-man actually sexy?

[Sally Hawkins does the sign language again. She looks like she’s blushing.]

Oh! Whoo! Swampy! Alright, next, he’s a best supporting actor nominee and he kind of looks like the Joker without the make up. It’s Willem Dafoe. How are you feeling Willem?

Willem Dafoe: Totally relaxed.

Steve Harvey: You sure?

Willem Dafoe: Yep. Just cooling out, Steve. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Ooh, you spooky little goblin. Alright, finally, he was nominated for “Call Me By Your Name.” This is Timothee Chalamet.

Timothee Chalamet: Stop! Come on! You’re embarrassing me. I’m so cute.

Steve Harvey: Man! I saw you in that movie getting busy with a peach. I guess a fish wasn’t available. Alright, give me two players up here. Let’s play the Feud.

[Steve Harvey and Common walk to Steve Harvey.]

Common: Yo, yo, Frances, this is a privilege.

Frances McDormand: Yeah. Yeah. I might be smiling but I’m not friendly.

Steve Harvey: Feel that chemistry cracker! Alright, 100 people surveyed. Name something that you do when you get up in the morning. [buzzer sound] Common.

Common: Oh, the first thing I do? Well, [background music playing] inspire, illuminate and multiply, teach our children the ways in which one amplifies our voices and out choices will glorify.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Alright. Alright. Let’s just buzz that. Let’s buzz them. [wrong answer buzzer] Man! You ain’t no rapper. You more like a Ted talk set to music. Frances, first thing you do in the morning.

Frances McDormand: Well, hmm. You know, as a woman in the industry, I got to doll myself up. So, I do my skincare regimen which is just straight up vaseline. And then I curl my hair using my own anger coz I’ve, you know, had it!

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me, “Some lady yelling.”

[right answer bell]

[The answer board has ‘Fix hair’ in the answers]

Oh, man! Number three answer. Alright, y’all got the board. [cheers and applause] Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Steve Harvey walks to Guillermo del Toro] Jasape De Tona, something that you do when you get up in the morning.

Guillermo del Toro: Our mornings are mysterious. When dawn breaks, I check my nightmare traps for monsters. [Guillermo del Toro drops his glasses] Excuse me, I dropped my glasses. [Guillermo del Toro leans down. Then he scares Steve Harvey making the monster face putting his both palms on his face. His palms have eyes on them.]

Steve Harvey: Ah! No! No! No! [wrong answer buzzer] Man, you are crazy, Del Taco! Alright, let’s go with Allison Janney. What do you do in the morning?

Allison Janney: Gosh. I don’t do much. I mean, I shoot an episode of “Mom”, then two Windy’s, then a commercial. That’s where there are no older women. Jobs for them in Hollywood, I took em’ all. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me loading up your IMDB page. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! Not there. I’m sorry. Jordan Peele, something that you do in the morning.

Jordan Peele: Well, right now, I’m working on a movie about Ben Carson.

Steve Harvey: Oh, really? What’s that called?

Jordan Peele: “Get Out 2: Wake Up Brother.”

Steve Harvey: Oh. Yeah. That would explain it. Show me, making a movie about the walking dead. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! It’s not up there. Alright, Oscar losers, you got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to Oscar losers] Give me some answers.

Timothee Chalamet: Oh, I can’t say, man.

Willem Dafoe: Frolic.

[Sally Hawkins just does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Um-hmm. Yeah. Alright. Common, you’re the team leader. Do you got an answer?

Common: Oh. Answers. They not up in some board, they’re inside us.

Steve Harvey: Oh, lord. Here we go. Here we go.

[music playing in the background. Common walks to the center.]

Common: Ay. From Martin to Malcolm to Barack and Michelle
we can make light out of dark and find heaven in hell

Steve Harvey: There’s like, church too.

Common: You’re your own future, just come out of your shell
raise fists, take risks, and believe in yourself

Steve Harvey: Just go to commercial!

Common: No, you have the power and you have the ability
everything can change in an instant

Family Dinner – Shrek

Scott… Beck Bennett

Claire… Melissa Villaseñor

Justin… Sterling K. Brown

Mrs. Reed… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a family having dinner at home with daughter’s boyfriend.]

Claire: [laughing] Dad.

Scott: Anyway. Moral of the story, don’t have a fender bender with the NBA’s Penny Hardaway.

Justin: Oh, wow. I can’t believe that happened, Mr. Anderson.

Scott: Call me Scott.

Mrs. Reed: You know, Claire’s told us so much about you, Justin. I think she likes you.

Claire: Okay, mom. That’s enough.

Justin: Oh, gosh. Well, I like that pot roast, Mrs. Reed. And I’ll tell you what. I feel like home with you guys already. You’re so much fun.

Claire: Aw, Justin.

Mrs. Reed: Well, we are– you are just welcome to stay as long as you want. Although, I will say we conk out at about nine. And occasionally when we get really wild, we watch a movie.

Scott: Yeah. We just rented Coco Pixar film. Just won the Oscar. Phenomenal.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. Best animated movie I’ve ever seen. Hands down. Oh, and as per tomorrow we can just–

[Justin is laughing]

Justin: That’s a good one. Oh!

Mrs. Reed: Sorry, what?

Scott: What is Justing?

Justin: Oh, your wife’s jokes. She just said that Coco is the best animated film she’s ever seen. It made me laugh. That’s all.

Mrs. Reed: Oh! I wasn’t joking exactly.

Justin: Oh, com on. No. It’s Shrek. You haven’t ever heard of it? I’m serious, Shrek.

Mrs. Reed: Oh, um, yes. You know, I believe that we saw that one, right honey?

Scott: Um, maybe on a plane. Yeah. Pretty good. Is that your favorite, Justin?

Justin: No, Scott, I’m a liar. Yes, it is my favorite. it’s also the best. That’s just the fact.

Claire: It’s okay, Justin.

Justin: It’s not okay. It’s annoying.

Scott: We just like the Pixars. That’s all. Now, who would like some cran apple pie?

Claire: Ooh, I would. My dad makes the most amazing cran apple pie.

Justin: Sure. Whatever. I’m sorry, you have seen Shrek. Right?

Scott: No. We’ve seen it.

Claire: Justin, drop it.

Justin: This is hilarious to me. Myers, Murphy, Diaz, Lithgow, a murderous role of voice talent. Can you say the same for Coco? I doubt it.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess I just always found the whole Ogre thing a little off putting.

Justin: [yelling] No!

Claire: Justin!

Justin: You’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re stupid person.

Scott: Easy, fella.

Mrs. Reed: My goodness.

Justin: Whatever. Screw it. What’s that dumb ass pie you were talking about?

Mrs. Reed: Okay, what in the world is this about?

Justin: I just doing like being bullied. That’s all.

Scott: Alright. Okay. I don’t think anyone was bullying you exactly.

Justin: Ha-ha-ha. Everybody laugh at the guy whose favorite movie is Shrek. He must be an idiot.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Well, I do not think you’re an idiot at all. And I apologize if it came off that way.

Justin: Apology rejected.

Claire: Maybe we should just go.

Justin: Why? I’m having a great time. Are you not having a great time, Scott?

Scott: Oh, I’m not. And that’s about your tone, fella.

Justin: I can’t believe I have to defend a movie with three hit sequels and 4D Universal Studio drive. But let’s all bend over backwards for Coco, right Scott?

Scott: Easy, donkey! Oh. I’m kidding, Justin. Just trying to lighten the mood here. Do a little Shrek for ya.

Justin: Keep his name out of your mouth you dumb son of a bitch.

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face]

Scott: Okay. [bangs the table] That’s it.

Justin: What? Fight me, bully. Come on.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Let’s all just calm down.

Claire: Justin, what the hell? You’re ruining the big surprise.

Mrs. Reed: What surprise?

Claire: We’re engaged.

Scott: [yelling] What?

Justin: Yeah. We’re getting married. So you both can eat my butt.

Claire: Oh!

Justin: And guess who’s officiating?

Scott: Who? Shrek?

Justin: No, you dumb ass. Shrek is CGI. What? It’s Puss in Boots himself, Antonio Banderas. Ever heard of him?

Mrs. Reed: I’m upset. I’m very upset now. And I’d like for you to leave.

Scott: [yelling] How the hell did you swing Antonio Banderas?

Justin: It’s called money. Everyone has a price. Even Antonio Banderas. What’s your’s? 30 bucks? You cheap ass!

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face again.]

Scott: That’s it. I’m calling the police.

Justin: Oopdie-doo, Claire. Let’s leave.

Claire: Um, I’m gonna stay. You can go, Justin.

Justin: Wait, what? Baby, what did I do?

[The End]

Dying Mrs. Gomez

Pete Davidson

Michael… Sterling K. Brown

Cecily Strong

Mrs. Gomez… Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

[Starts with Mrs. Gomez lying on the bed sick. Her children are there to take care of her.]

Pete: Mom, we’re right here.

[door knocking]

[Pete opens the door. Michael walks in.]

Cecily: Oh, Michael. So good to see you.

Michael: How is she doing?

Cecily: Not good. But she’ll be happy to see you. It’s been too long.

Michael: I came as soon as I heard. I’m glad I’m not too late.

Pete: Yeah. We don’t know how long she has left. It’s been a long day.

Cecily: Hey, mom. Michael’s here. Paramedics just left. Oh, she wants to say something to you.

Mrs. Gomez: Michael. Come here, Michae.

Michael: Hi, Mrs. Gomez. What is it?

Mrs. Gomez: There is something that I need to tell you.

Michael: Yes, ma’am. Anything. What is it? You can tell me.

Mrs. Gomez: I- I never made it.

Michael: Never made it? What do you mean never made it?

Mrs. Gomez: [hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.

Michael: Um, what was that, Mrs. Gomez. Was that a Nickleback song? Mrs. Gomez, why are you telling me this?

Cecily: Michael. I think she needs to rest.

Michael: Can you just wait? I need to hear what she’s saying. Mrs. Gomez. What did you say?

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Cecily: I can’t stand seeing her in pain.

Pete: No. It will be okay. It will be okay.

Michael: Mrs. Gomez. Please.

Mrs. Gomez: I… I…

[music playing]

[hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing
tired of living like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me

[Michael is rocking his body to the music]

This is how you remind me of what I really am

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. Mrs. Gomez.

Cecily: Oh, my god. Jonathan, get the paramedics. Quick. [Pete walks out] Michael, what did she say?

Michael: I don’t know. But it rocked. Come on, Mrs. Gomez. Wake up.

[Pete walks in with Alex and Luke. They’re both wearing their uniforms.]]

Alex: We got a situation here. Is this the woman who fell into the moshpit at the Nickelback concert?

Luke: Yes, it is. Everybody, clear the area.

Pete: What did my mom say?

Michael: It’s personal. Just back off.

Cecily: You can tell us. We’re her kids.

Alex: Give me the defibrillators.

Luke: Copy.

[Alex and Luke are getting the defibrillators ready.

Michael: I’m not sure you’ll be able to hear this but your mom said something really cool.

Cecily: Come on, Mike. Those might be my mother’s last words. You’re not gonna tell us?

Michael: Okay, fine. She said– Man, this is heavy. She said…

[music playing]

[singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing

Alex: Clear!

[Alex and Luke give her the defibrillator shock]

Michael: Tired of living like a blind man

[Cecily is rocking her body to the music]
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

Luke: I’ve heard a lot of last words, but your mom kicked the most ass. Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock]

Michael: [singing] This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

Luke: Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock. She wakes up and starts singing.]

Mrs. Gomez: It’s not like you to say sorry

[Everybody in the room are rocking their bodies.]
I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken

Michael and Mrs. Gomez: For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I’ve been wrong
I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream
Are we having fun yet

All: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Mrs. Gomez: Oh, no!

[Mrs. Gomez finally dies. But people in the room are clapping for her.]

Michael: That’s Nickelback!

Alex: I don’t know why you guys are clapping. This woman is dead.

Con Ed Repair Site

Chet… Kenan Thompson

Jack… Charles Barkley

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of men working at the construction repair site. One is using a jackhammer It’s making a lot of noise.]

Chet: Hey, hey, hey. Jack, jack, shut it down. Shut it down. [Jack shuts it down] You’ve been on the jackhammer all day. Stop hogging it. Let somebody else get in there.

Jack: I don’t mind. I love it. There’s something about breaking pavement that relaxes me. [Chet takes the jackhammer]

Beck: Heads up guys. Killer babe, ten o’clock.

[A very attractive woman walks by]

Chris: Damn girl. You’re really killing them.

[The woman turns around]

Woman: Don’t! Don’t even, okay? This may come as a shock to you but I am not n object and you need to wake up.

[The woman leaves.]

Men: Oh!

Chris: All I was gonna say is it was nice. You look nice. And thanks for the splashing color.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Of course you were.

Jack: Why do always ladies get to wear the best color? You can’t find that magenta that sings like that in men’s clothes.

Chet: You know, sometimes– you know, this might be stupid but I wonder what I would wear, you know? If was like a lady, you know? Like, what my style would be?

Beck: Where are we going with this?

Pete: I don’t know. Chet is right. I mean, it’s so dumb but women have so many options. You know what I mean?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, when you look at my closet, it’s just a sea of tans and browns. But, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Jack: I am with you with that. Why do women get to echo the season with such a playful ways?

Chris: Hell! I’ma say this. If I were a woman, I’d rock a high waisted harem pants. There it is.

Beck: Did we get high and I not know about it? Come on, guys. Let’s eat roast beef sandwiches and talk about the girls we’d like to date around with.

Chet: Man, we do that everyday. Today, we’re exploring our new avenue.

Mikey: You know, sometimes when I watch the Oscars and the red carpet, I’m like, “How would I wow them if I were a nominated actress?” I don’t know. Right?

Jack: I think I’d wear a gown that had a large peekaboo hole in the back. I’d put a backward necklace with a little pendant that comes around and float in the middle. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing.

Chet: Huh! Well, what might you carry as a clutch there, Jack?

Jack: Something small. Just big enough for my phone, acceptance speech and a few pills.

Pete: I’d like to think how I’d pose on the carpet. Maybe something like this. [Pete does the pose] I don’t know. It’s one of my bad things.

Chet: You know, I think I might wear like a gold slouchy boot. You know? The one that you can push down around your ankle. maybe some shimmery stretch pants with like, an oversized soft piece sweat top that has like, a large enough neck opening so they will fall down. I don’t know. Suppose in like, one shoulder. And maybe the shirt would have like, a phrase on the front. Like, “I’m no angel.” I don’t know.

Guys: [laughing] You wearing that to the Oscars?

Jack: You out of your mind. That’s a VMA look. You don’t disrespect The Academy show looking like brass doll.

Chet: Ay! You putting words in my mouth. I never said I’d wear that to the Oscars.

Jack: Don’t be mad at me. We were talking about the Oscars. And you bring up this outfit sounding like straight out of mannequin from Strawberries.

Guys: Oh!

Pete: It went there!

Chet: Well, maybe you’re just jealous because you wouldn’t be able to pull that look off.

Jack: I outta crack your skull right now.

Beck: Ay, easy! I’m trying to digest my roast beef here. Can we change the subject please?

Chris: Definitely. So, pantyhose or no? Where are we at?

Jack: That’s a big no. What are you? A cemetery from the 80s?

Beck: Guys, come on. Heads up. What’s coming our way.

[Another very attractive woman walks by them]

Hey, you looking hot.

Woman: Get a freaking life, you moron.

Beck: You know what? [music playing in the background] Toxic masculinity is a pair of velvet handcuffs. And gender norms have the hidden key. I’m comfortable with it. But I know I’m restricted. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what dress I’d wear to the Oscars. It’s because I have no imagination. My mind can’t go there. You know? I’m not suited for abstract thinking.

Jack: Well, I think you’d probably wear long denim skirt with a really thin metallic belt.

Mikey: Yeah. With like, a nice shawl.

Beck: A shawl? Is my daughter getting married? Why am I covering my shoulders?

Chet: Well, we think that will look good on you.

Beck: [yelling] You would! You have no taste. I can’t believe this is how you see me. I thought you guys were my friends.

[Beck walks away]

Jack: What was that all about? Give me that jackhammer back. This is stressing me out.

[The End]

 

First Lady

Melissa Villaseñor

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Jackie Kennedy… Natalia Portman

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Martha Washington… Aidy Bryant

Michelle Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Melissa calling Melania Trump in the White House during the night of the State of the Union]

Melissa: Excuse me, Mrs. Trump. The president’s motorcade is ready to take you to the State of the Union. Are you coming?

Melania Trump: Ah! Tell them I’ll take the next car. [Melissa leaves] Oh! How will I ever get through this State of Union? Oh, come on, Melania. Practice your happy face. [Melania Trump smiles] Oh! I don’t belong as first lady. [There is still Michelle Obama’s picture on the wall] I wish I could talk to someone who has been through this whole mess before.

[smoke appears. Jackie Kennedy walks out of the smoke]

Jackie Kennedy: Hello, Melania. It’s me, Jackie Kennedy.

Melania Trump: Oh! Jackie O’s?

Jackie Kennedy: I’ve come to you in your hour of need because I know how very tiring being a first lady can be.

Melania Trump: Yes. Thank you, Jackie O’s. But tell me, how can I be good first lady when Donald make it so hard?

Jackie Kennedy: All first ladies have a platform. Your’s is bullying. Mine was little hats. Your approval ratings is through the rough.

Melania Trump: Yes. Yes. People like me because they’re like, “That lady look how I feel.”

Jackie Kennedy: You’re not the only first lady whose husband had affairs. Jack cheated on me with Marilyn Monroe.

Melania Trump: Oh, please! She was in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Donald’s girl was in “Guys Like It Shaved.” Oh, Jackie O’s, no first lady has ever been more humiliated than me.

[The bookshelf behind Melania Trump turns around. Smoke appears. Hillary Clinton comes out of the smoke.]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello.

Melania Trump: Hillary Clinton? Oh! The world knew all your secrets. How did you survive being first lady?

Hillary Clinton: Well, you just tell yourself it’ll all be worth it when you’re president. Ha-ha-ha.

Melania Trump: But you lost.

Hillary Clinton: I know. I was there. But you know, I see you’re wearing white to the State of the Union. Is that a subtle nod to the suffer jets or times up?

Melania Trump: No. It’s just co-inky-dink. [Melania Trump winks at the camera]

Hillary Clinton: Look, Melania, I feel your pain. But you married him. Like America, you had a choice. So, don’t choose to eat 7-Eleven sushi and then come to me saying, “Oh-oh! Something’s wrong.”

[smoke appears outside of the window where Martha Washington is standing]

Martha Washington: Greetings first ladies. It is I, Martha Washington.

Jackie Kennedy: Martha? You materialized in the garden.

Martha Washington: Oh! Bees and bonnets. Give me one second.

[Martha Washington breaks the window with an exe and comes in through.]

Okay. Girls, what’s shaking?

Melania Trump: Oh! Martha! I can’t do this tonight, you know? Maybe I don’t go to speech.

Martha Washington: Oh, Melania. You have to. Your job is to be your husband’s confidant.

Melania Trump: Ivanka does that.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, to host foreign dignitaries.

Melania Trump: No, that’s Ivanka. Yeah.

Martha Washington: To be the beautiful woman on his arm.

Melania Trump: Yeah, that’s Ivanka’s territory.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, fine. Maybe being first lady just means being with someone you don’t really like who doesn’t treat you very well.

[Michelle Obama walks out of the photo]

Michelle Obama: Speak for yourself, Martha!

Melania Trump: Michelle Obama? I can’t believe. You come to give me advice?

Michelle Obama: Me neither. But look, Barack and I have a perfect relationship. It’s like “The Notebook”, but black and rich.

Hillary Clinton: That’s right Michelle, but it’s not helpful.

Michelle Obama: Whatever. My arms rule. I love vegetables and I can be president whenever I want.

Martha Washington: Well, we are all with you, Melania.

Jackie Kennedy: Now, get out there and do what first ladies have always done. Stand there and clap.

Melania Trump: Okay. But, sometimes I’m going to sit down and not clap.

All: Woo-hoo! Yes.

Melania Trump: Okay. I go. Goodnight, ghosts.

[Melania Trump walks out]

Hillary Clinton: Alright, ladies. What now? Should we steal some stuff?

Michelle Obama: Definitely!

Martha Washington: Oh, yeah.

[The End]