Tag: Mikey Day

Barfly Awards

Missy Shoots… Cecily Strong

Peanuts… Aidy Bryant

Flip Rick… Kenan Thompson

Pissy Carmichael… Alex Moffat

Sally O’Flappy… Maya Rudolph

Teeny Petey Rancini… Kyle Mooney

Nick Flint…  Mikey Day

Peaches… Kate McKinnon

[starts with announcement]

Male voice: Live from Pickleback Auditorium, it’s the 2021 Barfly Awards. With your host Missy Shoots.

[Cut to Missy Shoots. She is on the stage with a martini in her hand.]

Missy Shoots: Welcome to the Barfly Awards. This year being a barfly has taken even more dedication, determination, swinging back and forth, you know what I’m saying? So, we honor them tonight.

Male voice: Coming to the stage, she won last year for longest two AM story, please welcome Peanuts.

[Peanuts walks in. She has a glass of whiskey in her hand.]

Peanuts: Okay. Our first reward of the night goes for wildest claim made at the bar. In your life, there’s gonna be so many people. So, here’s our nominees. Hannah NoMOney, “I had sex with a ghost”. Flip Rick, “I can run a two minute mile”

Flip Rick: I can. I just don’t want to do it right now.

Peanuts: Pissy Carmichael with “I speak fluent French”.

Pissy Carmichael: Ju-ju-pu-pu-ju.

Peanuts: And Sally O’Flappy, I came up with the idea of a rolly suitcase, I can show you the email”. And the Barfly Award, hold on- I got it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks on the stage and received the award]

Sally O’Flappy: Oh, man. I can’t believe. This is amazing. Everybody here perspires me. I have to say, the guy, the young guy, know him? But hey, oh I miss him. Okay, bye, bye. Love you.

Male voice: Comin up next, he won last year’s award for best story about his daughter with left her at the beach. It’s Teeny Petey Rancini.

[Teeny Petey Rancini walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Can I say Something? Money is not real. [Missy Shoots walks in to hold Teeny Petey Rancini as he’s too drunk] No, no, it’s not your turn. I’m presenting.

Missy Shoots: You’re standing nice. You’re a nice guy. Can I have a kiss? [kisses on Teeny Petey Rancini’s cheek]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Thank you. Here are the nominees for the most bummer detail. Big John, “It’s my last weekend with my foot”. Just Marge, “Member me?I’m your favorite teacher from high school”.

Just Marge: Look at you. You grew up.

Teeny Petey Rancini: Peaches, “I’m 41 years old”.

Peaches: Hi.

Teeny Petey Rancini: And Sally O’Flappy with “My husband’s in the jar”. Winner is- I can’t believe it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks in and receives the award again]

Sally O’Flappy: Thank you. I can’t believe. One too more. That’s phenomenon. I’m want to thank my dead husband because he was a phenomenon guy. [drops the jar she said her husband was] Oh-oh! Whoopsy! Sorry, dude. Well, goodnight!

Male voice: Please welcome our next presenter, winner of the foreign Barfly Award or hobby, Nick Flint.

[Nick Flint walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Nick Flint: Oi! If you’re a supporter of Manchester United, then this is for you. Wanker! Here are the nominees for best bar hookup. [cut to Flip Rick and Sally O’Flappy] Him and her. [cut to Teeny Petey Rancini and Andrew] Her and him. [Cut to Teeny Petey Rancini, Andrew and Just Marge] Her and him and that. And the winner is – Ah! That! Peaches.  [Peaches walks to the stage and receives the award] Is also nominated tonight for most destructive trip to the bathroom.

Peaches: Cell phone, wallet, key. Okay, goodnight.

Male voice: Last call.

[All the audiences get angry]

All: Ah! What are you saying? Come on, now!

[All of them stand and walk away]

Missy Shoots: This has been 2021 Barfly Awards. Make sure you close at after party. We have to go midtown hungover tomorrow.

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping]

[cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Mirror Workout

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Nathan… Nick Jonas

Crissa… Heidi Gardner

Shannon… Kate McKinnon

Azuzal… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Chris and Mikey in their apartment]

Chris: So, how does this thing work again?

Mikey: It’s a workout mirror. So, the instructors are in it. You just do what they do. It’s supposed to be awesome.

Chris: Oh, that’s sick. I’m gonna get so jacked.

Mikey: Yeah. I know, man. Like, the bike, the rowing machine, the treadmill, none of that stuff worked. But this definitely will.

Chris: Well, let’s do it, man.

[Mikey turns the mirror on. Nathan appears on it.]

Nathan: What’s up? Welcome to your first mirror workout. You ready to work?

Chris and Mikey: Yeah!

Nathan: That’s what I thought. Today, we’re gonna be doing Mikey0 second interval training. We’ll be cycling through trainers. So, let’s go. Let’s do this. I’m Nathan. And you’re going to make some major gains. I’m your man.

Mikey: Yo, dude, I love this already.

Chris: We’re gonna get so yo.

[Crissa appears on the mirror.]

Crissa: And I’m Crissa, cardio queen. I’m here to make you sweat. You’re going to hate me by the end of this. But I love that.

Mikey: Oh, dude, Crissa’s gonna kick our ass. I can feel it.

Chris: Man, these people are great, man. They get me pumped up.

[Shannon appears on the mirror. She is an old woman]

Shannon: My name is Shannon Delgado. I am trapped inside of the mirror. I am in a cold black void. If you can hear me, please help me undo the curse.

Chris: What the hell was that about?

Mikey: Yeah. I don’t know, man. But Nathan’s back. Let’s do this.

Nathan: Alright, dudes. Pick up those weights. It’s bicep curls. Make sure you get a full extension. Swirl is the goal. Let’s go.

Mikey: Yo, this is tight.

Chris: It’s definitely cool. My only question is like, who is Shannon Delgado?

Crissa: Hey, ya’ll! It’s time for high-steps. I know it sucks but just remember you’re earning that guacamole later.

Mikey: Oh, dude, you know I’m a guac freak.

Chris: Oh man, you know I am too. Oh, no. She’s back.

[Shannon is standing there with paper bags full of groceries]

Shannon: Hello again, it’s me, Shannon Delgado. Here is what happened to me. I was rude to a fortune teller and now I am here. I need you to call my husband, Ron Delgado, and tell him not to get remarried. I don’t have much time. I am being watched.

Chris: Okay, now she’s got her stuff with her. I’m kind of worried about Shannon Delgado, man.

Mikey: Yo, what I’m worried about is my gains. When’s my man Nathan coming back?

Nathan: Time for tricep kickbacks. Nathan arms, that’s what you want? You gotta do it like this. Also, pro-tip, don’t listen to Shannon Delgado. She’s a liar. Let’s go.

Chris: Wait, he can hear us?

Mikey: Dude, focus on your form.

Shannon: There’s no food in here. Sometimes they lay out a beautiful feast but it twinkles in a way that lets me know that it’s cursed. Once they gave me a beautiful meatball subs. I took a bite and I looked down and it was a rat.

[Azuzal slides in behind Shannon. He’s a guy wearing a red robe with long sharp nails.]

Azuzal: Work.

Shannon: Yes, yes. Apologies, Azuzal. Azuzal guards the gateway.

Azuzal: Work. Stretch.

Shannon: Yes, of course, Azuzal. So, just pull your arm across chest, guys.

Mikey: Oh, okay. So, she does like stretching I guess. Alright, that makes sense.

Chris: No, it doesn’t. And who is Azuzal?

Nathan: Alright. Now, it’s time for the fun stuff. We’re doing a mixtape. New move, new song. Start with me and Jason Derulo. Squads!

Mikey: Oh dude, these are tough, man. Ass to the grass, right?

Crissa: My turn. Let’s do some punches. Time to pump it up raise the glass.

Chris: I do love this.

Mikey: As long as it’s not squats, dude. I’m happy.

Shannon: [scared of Azuzal] Breathe into the stretch.

Azuzal: Work, my Shannon!

Mikey: Alright, full disclosure, man. I like Nathan and Crissa. I’m just not really feeling Shannon Delgado or Azuzal.

Chris: I’m kind of team Shannon. I hope she’s okay.

Nathan: Alright, yo. Let’s recover. Let’s roll out these shoulders. Nice.

[Shannon quietly walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Yo, Shannon Delgado is trying to get away.

Nathan: What? Oh, no. Azuzal, she’s not in her frame. Quick! She’s disobeying.

[Azuzal also walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Dude, Nathan is on Azuzal’s side.

Nathan: Alright yo, let’s take a deep breath. Roll it out, all sweaty. Praise to Azuzal. And workout done. Nice job.

Mikey: Nice, dude. I actually already feel gains.

Nathan: Y’all killed it today. Give yourselves a “Hell yeah!”

Chris and Mikey: Hell yeah!

Crissa: Give yourselves a “We freakin did it!”

Chris and Mikey: We freakin did it!

Shannon: Give yourselves “Infectus dome zu!”

Chris: A what?

Mikey: Infectus dome zu!

[lightning appears inside the apartment]

Chris: What the hell? Oh, dude! The power went out or something? What?

[Shannon is in place of Mikey now. She is standing beside Chris in the apartment.]

Shannon: It worked. It worked. I’m free. Ron, I’m coming.

[Mikey is inside the mirror now and Azuzal is behind him]

Mikey: No! No, why am I in here?

Azuzal: You are Shannon now. Work!

Home Makeover

Cara… Heidi Gardner

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Blake… Mikey Day

Jared… Nick Jonas

[Starts with show intro]

Cara: Welcome to Bachelor Home Makeover where we give single guys a fresh new lease on life by turning their drab homes into fab paz. [Steve and Blake are having fun in their apartment] This is Steve and his best friend Blake. They’re both recently separated and decided to move in together in this down town fixer upper with a ton of potential.

Steve: I say my design taste is open concept or whatever and I want a spot in the crib where I can gang. That’s how I make money right now.

Blake: Me, pretty much the same things. But also, I like to cook. So like, a kitchen is a must.

Steve: Yeah, kitchen will be tight.

Cara: I could tell these two weren’t gonna make my job easy. That’s why I enlisted the help of Jared.

Jared: Hey, Cara. I specialize in designing rented homes for single guys just like them. And I know they’re gonna love what we did.

Blake: To our new home, roomie.

Steve: Alright, let’s do it.

[Cut to revealing the apartment.]

Cara: So, are you two finally ready to see your new forever home?

[walks inside the apartment]

Blake: Yo!

Steve: This is high.

Cara: Do you love it?

Blake: It’s so bum.

Cara: Great. I’ll tell you what we did. We put up a fresh coat of stark white paint.

Jared: And we took out all that furniture you guys never used and put in this leather couch, a glass coffee table–

Cara: And a huge TV for gaming.

Blake: Yo, I got to sit on this. [sits on the sofa] This looks like the couch from–

Jared: Casting porn? That’s because it’s very similar.

Steve: It’s got like, the cup holders already built in the couch?

Cara: It does. And a tiny fridge on the side. And Blake, I know you like to eat peanuts. So, how about a little trash compartment for all your shell?

Blake: Dude! How did you guys think of that?

Jared: That’s not all we did. Steve, we know you like the move Scarface.

Steve: That’s my jam. How’d you know that?

Cara: So, we got you this framed Scarface movie poster and put it on one of the stark white wall.

Jared: And Blake, we got you a framed Rat Pack poster.

Blake: Yo, this is crazy coz I’m always saying that if I could go back to time period, it would be Rat Pat.

Cara: Well, there’s still a lot more to see. Shall we?

[cut to checking bathroom.]

Jared: Alright, so checkout your bathroom. When we first got here, you both only had one towel each.

Cara: And those were filthy.

Steve: They clean, just stained.

Jared: Now, you don’t have to worry about that because we got you four new towels.

Cara: And they’re navy blue so you don’t have to worry about stains.

Blake: That’s so smart.

Cara: And I know you hate the Dallas cowboys, so we put a Cowboys sticker inside the toile.

Blake: Yo, dude, that’s what I’m talking about.

Steve: I’m not gonna lie, that’s flago.

[checking Steve’s bedroom]

Jared: Alright, let’s look in the bedroom, guys.

Steve: Wait, how did you get the lights to be, like, purple like that?

Jared: We put in Phillips color bulbs so you can make the lights any color you want.

Steve: So, I can make it red if I have a girl over?

Jared: Exactly.

[checking the kitchen]

Cara: Now, the kitchen was fun. We took all your little ketchups and turned them into one big ketchup.

Jared: You guys also mentioned you like to cook.

Steve: That’s him. He’s the chef.

Blake: Yeah, I do a little something-something.

Jared: But we noticed the stove doesn’t work.

Blake: Oh no, it works. You just have to light it or something.

Steve: Or just leave it on.

Jared: That’s not good at all and you shouldn’t have to do that. So, we hooked you up with a brand new AirFryer.

Steve: Is that a ninja one?

Jared: It sure is.

Cara: And one last thing. We knew you guys both really like whiskey. So, the folks at Superior Wine and Spirits hooked you two up with two bottles of Jameson for your counter.

Blake: Dude! Two?

Cara: Two.

Blake: We get to keep both?

Jared: Alright guys, last but certainly not least, we built you a shelf and put some things on here we thought you might like.

Steve: Is that the Thanos glove?

Jared: Yeah.
Blake: Dude, this is crazy. Y’all nailed everything.

Steve: For real. Coz, it’s been a hard year for me. I got fired from my job for telling some jokes. But y’all did your thing on this.

Blake: Oh behalf of me and my boy, man, good looking out.

Jared: It was our pleasure.

Cara: Yeah. And, how bout enjoy your new home?

Steve: We will.

Man, I still can’t believe we live here.

Blake: Yo, when my kids stay for the weekend, they love the big TV. And the AirFryer makes my famous Tats more fire than ever.

Steve: Ay, ladies like it too. Coz I posted some pictures of new crib on the gram, got couple of prospects.

Blake: Thanks, Bachelor Home Makeover.

Steve: Y’all saved my life, yo!

Bachelor Party

Nick Jonas

Mickey… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with couple of buys having a bachelor’s party]

Nick: Hey, listen up. Hey, listen. To Mickey’s last few days of freedom.

All: Yes.

Nick: Hell yes.

Kyle: Hey, I always thought you were going to marry Trisha Kentworth from Mrs. Christianson’s class.

Mikey: What?

Mickey: Yeah. It’s something from growing up.

Nick: Well, I just want to say you’re an amazing friend and I’m really proud to be your best man.

All: Cheers!

[doorbell ringing]

Nick: Oh, could that be the pizzas?

[Nick runs to answer open the door]

Mickey: What? No. Please tell me you didn’t. No. You guys. Oh my god.

[Two women wearing tight leather dresses walk in with pizza boxes]

Ego: Did someone order an extra large sausage?

Heidi: I might have to blow on it. [takes a whip out of the pizza box]

[Ego and Heidi start dancing]

Mickey: [to Nick] Hey, man, this is really special. Thank you.

Nick: Of course, man.

[Everything turns dar and spotlight turns on Mickey]

[music playing]

Mickey: [singing] Well, I’m gonna marry the woman that I love
but first a tradition long spoken of
I’ve waited for this moment all of my life
to get hard with my friends before I marry my wife

Bowen: I’m drinking beer and hard alcohol
getting hard with my brother in law
Now I see what my sister sees
coz he’s got a boner next to me

Nick: I’m getting hard with my homies
boned up next to my pals
you only get one bachelor party
might as well spend it around

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
one night away from our lame ass lives
we’ll get hard and then it all ends

[the women are looking confused]

Nick: Oh, I got to plan the evening
his last night as a free man
but getting in trouble with the guys
yes, that was my only plan

Alex: I needed this, oh I needed this
I’m married with kids and I needed this
I must get woody all my night away
coz if I don’t then I think I’ll go cray

All: Boner, boner, boner,
that’s what tonight’s all about
every single tent is pitched
except for the guy who passed out

Kyle: I’m the friend from home
I’m feeling like a loner
these guys don’t get our inside jokes
that’s why I need my boner
coz it don’t matter where you’re from
just get a hard on and sing along

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
we all got hard in one big room
and we’re never discussing again

Mickey: These are my best friends
my brotherhood, my crew
and we honor a timeless tradition
my dad got hard with his friends too

Nick: Um, amazing job, ladies.

Ego: We didn’t do anything.

Heidi: Yeah, you just sang about your stiffy ding dongs the whole time.

Mickey: Ha-ha. Come on, break it in, guys. Come here.

Kyle: I love you, Micky.

Mickey: I love you guys.

Amusement Park

Brett… Mikey Day

Malcolm… Nick Jonas

Cug… Kyle Mooney

Brinkley… Heidi Gardner

Fresian… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a bunch of young people on a line at the amusement park]

Gate keeper: Alright, next riders, please?

Brett: I’m so glad World of Fun reopened. I thought they were going to have to cancel our junior year trip.

Malcolm: Dude, I still can’t believe you won the stuffed guy from soul.

Cug: [holding a human size stuffed guy] I know. I’ve like, never won the ring toss. My lucky day I guess.

Brett: Also, Brinkley, like, how have you never ridden the Viking Voyager?

Brinkley: I don’t know. I think water’s scary.

Fresian: Oh my god. Me too. I’m like a full baby in the shower.

Malcolm: You know, the Viking Voyager is sick. I’ll protect you.

Fresian: Okay, now shut up.

Cug: Oh, so you two are like, riding together?

Malcolm: Oh, I straight up don’t care.

Brinkley: Oh, we have to pair up for the ride, huh?

Brett: Yeah. How many even is it to, like, a flume?

Cug: I think it’s two max. I think typically guy-girl. But I don’t care.

Brett: Yeah. Well, I feel like Fresian and Malcolm said they’d ride together.

Fresian: Oh, I don’t care. Sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Like, whatever makes sense to the group. Like, height wise?

Brett: Oh, okay. Well, if it’s height wise, I guess it’s me and Brinkley makes sense?

Brinkley: Yeah. I mean, height wise I feel like that checks out. So then Cug, would you be cool riding with the guy from soul?

Cug: Um, I kind of feel like I rode with him on the last ride and the ride before that. So, I think it makes sense for me to ride with a person or a girl this time. But literally, all I care about is getting wet.

Malcolm: Wait, Brinkley and Brett, didn’t you ride on the Zulu together?

Brett: We did? Did we?

Brinkley: What? I think I either rode alone or with the guy from soul.

Cug: No. Pretty sure Joe Gardner has only ridden with me.

Malcolm: Wait. Who’s Joe Gardner?

Cug: Um, the guy from soul. Yeah. I definitely remember being with him on the Zulu and the Mamba. I don’t care. But if we want to keep it even, I don’t think I should be riding with the guy from soul.

Fresian: Like, hey, I mean, I can ride with you, Cug. Malcolm, you cool to ride with the guy from soul?

Malcolm: Well, isn’t this the one where you like, kind of sit on each other’s laps?

Brinkley: Wait, you do? Like, how does that work?

Brett: I don’t know. I think we have enough time to do like, a demo? Like, just to practice.

Brinkley: Okay.

Brett: [walks to a boat] Okay. So, I guess, I’ll sit here. And then you’d be between my legs I guess.

Brinkley: Oh, like, you want me to try?

Brett: Yeah. For like, height.

Brinkley: [they sit together] Oh, yeah, height.

Brett: Coz I don’t care. But if–

Cug: I feel like for height, I’d be better behind?

Brinkley: Oh, no. This is good for height.

Brett: Yeah.

Malcolm: [to Fresian] Should we–?

Fresian: Demo how to sit? Yeah, sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Okay. So, I’d be like this.

Fresian: [they sit together] Okay. Yeah.

Malcolm: And then you’d be here. But then, like, what do I do with my arms? Because I don’t want them to get wet.

Fresian: Yeah. I think they’d be like my seatbelt like this. [pulling Malcolm’s hands across her waist]

Malcolm: Okay.

Brett: Um, we actually didn’t demo that. Should we practice?

Brinkley: Like, for height?

Brett: Yes. For height.

Brinkley: Sure.

Brett: I guess like this. [Brett just holds Brinkley from the behind]

Brinkley: Cug, would you want to try getting in with the guy from the soul? Like, for height?

Cug: Um, okay.

Malcolm: Alright, all your’s, Cug.

Cug: Thanks. [taking the seat on the boat] So, I guess I’d be back here.

Brinkley: Yeah. And Joe would be in your lap, Cug.

Cug: So, like this?

Malcolm: Yeah. But that doesn’t make sense height wise, Cug.

Brinkley: Yeah. He is taller than you, Cug.

Fresian: Yeah. So, he should be behind you, Cug.

Cug: Okay. So, I’m in his lap?

Brett: Exactly, Cug.

Cug: Okay. [he puts the stuffed guy behind and he sits up front.] So, let me just get him around. So, it it like this?

Brinkley: Yeah, Cug.

Malcolm: Yeah. Then his arms are like a seatbelt, Cug.

Cug: Oh, okay. So, like this?

Brinkley: Yes. Are you comfortable, Cug?

Cug: I guess. But, I don’t want to hug the guy from soul. If someone else wants to take a spin? Soul guy going once, going twice,

All: No. No, pass.

Gate keeper: All parties here, folks?

All: Yes. Here we go.

Gate keeper: Have fun, Cug.

Cug: It’s Robert. I don’t know why they keep calling me that.

Sea Shanty

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Regé-Jean Page

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Johnny Fitzlafet… Bad Bunny

Ship fielder… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. At nine, it’s “Trimming a Tyrant: Hitler’s Hairdresser”. But now, it’s “Songs of the Sea”

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Sea shanties may be the latest viral trend on TikTok, but they began as work songs on the square-rigged ships of the Age of Sail. Here’s a reenactment of a shanty sung abroad the whaling vessel, the SS Gillenpool.

[Cut to the show. There are men on a ship working and doing their parts.]

Andrew: [walking in with a backpack] Oh, the day has finally arrived. My first journey on a whaling ship.

Alex: Ha-ha! Look at him, all excited.

Beck: Still in short pants.

Bowen: Doesn’t have his sea legs.

Kenan: Oh, his curly hairs.

All: Laughing.

Rege: Ah! You’ll get the hang of it, Greenhorn.

Kyle: We sing to make the work easier.

Mikey: What do you say, boys?

Kenan: Heave-ho!

Rege: [singing] There once was a ship called the Fiddle Dee Dee
The ship has been about 103
we left our wives and we went to the sea
for we all love life on the waves

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
for now we’re off to sea

Andrew: Oh, the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m living it.

Rege: We all are, boy. You’re lucky to find yourself aboard the finest vessel with the finest crew!

All: Yeah!

Rege: Tell him where we’re headed, boys.

Beck: [singing] First we go to Hawaii shore
then up to Alaska, then back to Hawaii
China, Brazil, then Alaska again
the trip takes eighteen months

Andrew: What?

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the meat is bugs and the beer is bugs
my will is bugs and my friends are bugs
and I’ll be eating my friends, Ho!

Andrew: That doesn’t sound fun at all.

Rege: Oh, trust me, boy, there’s nothing more fun than life on a boat. Right boys?

All: Yeah!

Kenan: [singing] Does anyone else not feel so good?
I’ve never been on a boat before
does it do this the whole time?
I’m going to go lay down

Mikey: I drank a bunch of salt water
and I don’t feel good and I feel really weird
and my stomach really hurts and I’m seeing ghosts
may I please go lay down?

Bowen: Crap, you guys, I got a splinter
we don’t have a cure for that
the only cure is cutting off your head
I guess I’m going to die

All: Ho-ho, we don’t have food
we can’t catch fish and we didn’t bring water
we also forgot the anchor, oops
does anyone know where we are? Ha!

Andrew: Wait, does anyone know where we are?

Rege: Of course. Just ask our navigator – Johnny Fitzlafet.

[Johnny Fitzlafet walks out]

Johnny Fitzlafet: Ola! The ocean is that way and that way and behind us and kind of all around.

Andrew: Do you even have a map?

Johnny Fitzlafet: Hell yeah, I got the map right here. [Johnny Fitzlafet pulls out a paper. He unrolls it. It’s a kid-made picture of a boat on a sea.] See? Look. We got the boat.

Andrew: Oh my god, we are gonna die.

Rege: No, we’re not. You’re on a safest vessel on the four seas.

Andrew: It’s seven.

Rege: Just ask the ship fielder himself.

[Ship fielder walks out]

Ship fielder: That’s right. I built this beauty myself. Side note, is it supposed to be wet below deck? There’s like, two feet of water. I spent so much time on the top, I might have forgot to build the floor.

Andrew: So, you don’t know how a boat works?

Ship fielder: Of course I do.

[singing] The ropes are attacked to the sails, I think
you pull this one and you move that one
the steering wheel, the something too
I left the life boats at home

All: Ho-ho, we’ll never come home,
we’re stuck out here and we’re all alone
our friends will eat our brittle bones
you’ll all get scurvy and die, ha!

Rege: Ha-ha! No better death than being eaten alive by your closest mates 45 minutes from shore.

Beck: A hero’s death.

Andrew: Yeah. I don’t think we have to kill each other yet. I can still see my wife.

Chris: Forget your wife, you’re sea’s now.

Ship fielder: There’s plenty of gorgeous wives on the seas.

Andrew: There is?

Kyle: Aye, no better wife than the hole in the whale.

Alex: I stuck a blanket in a little barrel. It’s in my bunk and it’s my wife.

Rege: And I took two jellyfish and wrapped them in a rubber band, and that’s my gorgeous squishy wife.

Johnny Fitzlafet: [showing his hand] This is my wife. I’m not creative like these guys.

Andrew: Are we going to go look for whales now?

Rege: Whales? What’s wrong with you boy? They’re all dead.

Andrew: Then what are we doing out here?

Rege: I think you know. We’re singing.

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
and all we’re off to sea

Mr Chicken Legs Pageant

Denise Poots… Cecily Strong

Troy Duggins… Regé-Jean Page

Minnie Marko… Chloe Fineman

Chris-Michael Donahue… Mikey Day

Shawn Cruck… Andrew Dismukes

Todd Dodley… Pete Davidson

Judge… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Mr. Chicken Legspageant. Live from the Grand Ball Room at the Cecil hotel. I know, very bad choice of venue because of bad Netflix show but we booked it so long ago.

[Cut to the show]

Denise Poots: [singing] The legs are skinny, thin and mini
only one will be Mr. Chicken legs
the adult males, the legs are rails
only one can be Mr. Chicken legs
Mr. Chicken legs
who will be Mr. Chicken Legs

[cheers and applause]

[Troy Duggins and Minnie Marko walk in]

Troy Duggins: Alright. Welcome back to the 2021, Mr. Chicken Legs pageant. Crowning the grown man with the skinniest legs in America. How about that Denise Poots, really putting her all into our theme music tonight.

Denise Poots: Yes, sir. Hollywood chewed me up and spit me out 18 years ago. Tonight is my chance to say, “Hey, this old piece of gum still got some flavors. So, pop me back in your mouth.”

Troy Duggins: Oh. The producers are holding up a big sign with arrow pointing at you that says, “Don’t engage.” To those who are joining us, I’m your host Troy Duggins joined by funny woman, Minnie Marko. What a night it’s been so far, Minnie?

Minnie Marko: Yeah.

Troy Duggins: [sigh] Well, the judges have narrowed the field to just three finalists and with the talent portion remaining, the stakes couldn’t be higher.

Minnie Marko: Agree.

Troy Duggins: That’s it. Nothing to add?

[Minnie Marko shakes her head no]

Didn’t think so. Alright. All good. Ha-ha. Up first, it’s a magic active, Chris-Michael Donahue with “Legs of deception”.

Chris-Michael Donahue: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed. Before you stands a grown man, yet with a mere twirl of my cape and tilt of the camera, I become [drum roll] an eighth grade girl. [Camera slides down only to his legs. He’s wearing a skirt and girly shoes] As you can see, I can be flirty, or shy.

Troy Duggins: Wow. As I said many times tonight, that was deeply stupid, yet strangely compelling. Chris-Michael Donahue, everyone! Well, Minnie, I bet you have some thoughts on the competition so far.

Minnie Marko: Totally.

Troy Duggins: Well, do feel free to jump in and share them. Anything to help me fill the time up here, alright? Up next, we have Shawn Cruck, “Lamemt of the calf-less”.

Shawn Cruck: When a human stands on their tiptoes, the calf muscle naturally flexes. Yet, when I do it, there is no physical change in my leg shape. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

[camera slides down to his legs. He stands on his toes and shows his calves.]

Troy Duggins: Once again, deeply stupid and yet I can’t look away. Shawn Cruck, folks. Minnie, I’d hate to ask, anything you want to add before we bring out our third finalist?

Minnie Marko: No. It’s just like, this is fun.

Troy Duggins: Guys, this gal’s a dud. She’s sweet but she’s giving me literally nothing. Okay. Alright. Time for our last finalist, it’s Todd Dodley performing his talent, having long skinny ass legs like Jack Skellington.

[cut to Todd Dodley dancing in front of a painting showing his thin legs]

That will haunt me. So, Todd, when did you first realized you had skinny legs?

Todd Dodley: Well, as a kid, people would always say I had the same legs as that skinny prostitute from the old Popeye cartoons, Olive Oyl.

Troy Duggins: Pretty sure Olive Oyl was Popeye’s girlfriend, not a prostitute. But either way, well done, Todd.

Denise Poots: [singing] Three finalists for Mr. Chicken Legs
Mr. Chicken Legs!

Troy Duggins: Well folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Head judge Angela Howl will crown our winner.

[The judge walks in and starts feeling the finalists’ legs]

Judge: Your new Mr. Chicken Legs is Todd Dodley. And your prize, the smallest little kiss.

[The judge pecks on Todd Dodley’s cheeks]

Troy Duggins: Well, don’t go anywhere. Ours more to come after the break.

Denise Poots: [singing] He is Mr. Chicken Legs. God, I love those chicken legs.

Drivers License

Beck Bennett

Regé-Jean Page

Mikey day

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Old Man… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of guys on a nine-ball pool table]

Beck: Alright, 50 bucks says I kick Bobby’s ass.

Rege: Hey, you tryna hustle me?

Mikey: Shut up and break em’, will ya?

Beck: I’ll break you first. How about that?

Rege: Hey, easy boys, I’ll take all your money by the end of the night. Just let me play my song first.

[Rege plays the song “Driver’s license” on the jukebox]

Beck: Alright. Nine ball, corner pocket. Watch me. [listening to the song] Wait, what am I listening to?

Rege: “Driver’s license” by Olivia Rodrigo.

Pete: Sounds like it’s just some teen girl singing in a room to a piano

Rege: And that’s the beauty of it. You got a problem?

Mikey: What’s this song even about?

Beck: I guess it’s about a girl getting a driver’s license, but it’s bitter sweet because it’s something she and her ex always talked about. That’s what I guess, based on hearing it for the first time right now.

Alex: Yeah, sure, sure. I mean, if you want to get all literal. But, I mean I think I overheard on the news or something that it’s actually about the kids from High School musical. I don’t know.

Pete: Oh, who? Vanessa Hudgens? Zac Efron? Sharpay? That whole crew?

Rege: No, man. High School musical, the series. Olivia wrote about Joshua Bassett who is allegedly now with Sabrina Carpenter. Listen, man.

Song: I just can’t imagine how you could be so okay now that I’m gone

Kenan: She’s got a healthy belt.

Beck and Rege: [singing, holding the pool stick like a mic]
Guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me

Bowen: [standing in the corner being emotional]
‘Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Rege: Okay, so I’m not the only one.

Beck: It’s like she ripped the page out of my diary. I mean notebook. I mean plain brown letter. I can’t read or write.

Old man in the corner: I got my license AlexAlex years ago. Why is this hitting me so hard?

Alex: Okay, look. I don’t want to say nothing too controversial, you know, but this is giving me Billy Eillish vibes.

Pete: Yeah, yeah, but the verses are, sorry to say, Taylor?

Rege: I mean obviously it’s Taylor Swift. Taylor’s the root. It’s also pure Olivia, man.

Mikey: [sobbing] It’s pure. That’s for sure.

Alex: Oh dude, are you crying?

Mikey: Nah, it’s just– It almost got me thinking about my breakup. Like, maybe I am Olivia and my bitch ex, Gina, is Joshua Bassett. And Sabrina Carpenter, like, that’s that bastard, Enzo, from the garage.

Rege: Ayo, bro! If Olivia taught us anything, it’s that pain can be creatively generative, man.

Kenan: Yeah. Like, remember when I lost 50 Gs on the Giants? That gave me half of my poems.

Pete: I said it once, I’ll say it again. Taylor.

Rege: Yeah. But Taylor shifted away from autobiographical and now she’s in the pocket creatively. Look at folklore, man. Ultimately, she’s a freaking storyteller.

Pete: Yeah, but I still feel as Taylor. You got a problem?

Rege: With you being purposely reductive, yeah, i got a problem.

Old man in the corner: Boys, boys! Open your hearts and listen. We’re about to get the bridge of our lives.

[everyone in one line singing]

All: Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards
Can’t drive past the places we used to go to

Mikey: ‘Cause I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
All: It’s alright man.

Alex: Let it out.

Old man in the corner: I need to hear that freakin bridge again.

All: Yeah!

[singing] Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

Bridgerton Intimacy Coordinator

Phoebe… Chloe Fineman

Regé-Jean Page

Director… Kate McKinnon

Richie… Mikey Day

Randy… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Bridgerton intro]

[Cut to a scene of Phoebe and Regé-Jean]

Phoebe: It is you that I want, your grace. You and only you.

Regé-Jean: I burn for you, Daphne.

Director: And cut. Oh my gosh, guys. Amazing. Such passion that was great. Now, this next thing involves nudity and simulated intercourse. So, we’re going to clear the set. And Regé, Phoebe, we’ll have a brief rehearsal with the intimacy coordinator to make sure you both comfortable with the scene.

Regé-Jean: Oh, excellent. Is Paula back? She’s fantastic.

Phoebe: Yes, I feel very, very safe with her.

Director: Unfortunately, Paula had a covid exposure at her fund raiser for covid relief, but Netflix has provided backup. So, um, guys?

[Richie and Randy walk in]

Richie: Hey, how you doing? I’m Richie, the Intimacy Coordinator. This is my nephew, Randy, assistant IC.

Randy: Hey, how you doing?

Phoebe: Nice to meet you.

Regé-Jean: I think I saw you guys by the bagel table earlier. I thought you were lighting guys.

Richie: Oh yeah, close. Um, we work as special effects for years.

Randy: Yeah. Explosions, wind, gross-out stuff.

Richie: Yeah. But not a lot of people getting puked on on movies coz of covid. So, we took a Zoom and got certified to do all the sex scene stuff.

Director: That’s great. You seem very qualified. Now, any questions about script?

Randy: Ah, didn’t read it. Seemed like a girl show to me.

Richie: Yeah, but we get the jest. You two are brother and sister. You’re banging each other. Good stuff.

Phoebe: What? No. That’s disgusting. We play husband and wife.

Regé-Jean: Why would you think we’re playing brother and sister?

Richie: I don’t know. It’s Netflix. They got some dark stuff on there, you know what I mean? Now, Netflix requires modesty garments. We made available. We got a bunch of beave sleeves and dong bags here for you.

Regé-Jean: Are those clean?

Richie: Yeah. I mean–

[Randy smells them]

Randy: Yeah, yeah.

Richie: Yeah. And for the lady, we got these pasties which we invented, our design.

Phoebe: Why are they green?

Randy: Oh. So they can green screen in someone else’s nips.

Phoebe: Oh, thoughtful, but no thank you.

Director: Are you sure? Because there’s actually something to this. We could green screen in a guy’s nipples and then we could play this on any network.

Regé-Jean: Deidre, no! Look, not my nipples, no one’s nipples. No. Maybe we can just walk through the scene and you’ll see what we rehearsed.

Richie: Yeah, great. We’ll just observe, make sure everything’s kosher.

Director: Sounds good. Okay. Thank you.

[Phoebe and Regé-Jean get on bed]

Regé-Jean: So, Phoebe and I thought that if I shift my body this way, then I would cover her a bit more.

Richie: Yeah. Well, actually, you guys wanna tap out for a second? This might be better actually. [Phoebe and Regé-Jean get out of bed] Thank you. Now, Daphne, if you’re comfortable with it, [lying on bd] you’re like this, “Oh”. You know? You could just pop on to all force like this. [posing like porn’s doggy style]

Randy: And Bridgetown, you get behind like this. [posing like he’s having sex with Richie from the behind] Right? One knee down and one foot up. You know what I’m saying?

Richie: Yeah. And if you’re looking for a laugh, Daphne, you can say, “Shh, don’t let mom and dad hear.”

Regé-Jean: Right, we’re not brother and sister.

Richie: Right, right, okay. Here we go. Take it or leave it, okay? You go like this, Daphne. “Oops, wrong hole, dumb ass.”

Regé-Jean: Absolutely not.

Randy: Then he goes, “Oops, sorry”, but then you wink at the camera like, “It wasn’t an accident.”

Richie: Yeah. I mean like, that’s just fun.

Regé-Jean: Deidre, can you help us here? Please.

Director: Um, yeah. Daphne, she wouldn’t say, “Dumb ass”. She would say, “Wrong hole, your grace.” So…

Regé-Jean: No, no. Let’s not try that.

Phoebe: I mean, we might as well shoot to as like an option.

Regé-Jean: Phoebe, no. Deidre, I think we’ll be okay without these Intimacy Coordinators. We know each other’s boundaries. We’ll just do what we rehearsed.

Richie: Okay, great. Well, have a great sex scene. Have fun. We’ll be here. Excellent.

Director: Great. Well, if you two feel okay, let’s just try and shoot one. And, can we get the body make up folks in?

Richie: Yeah, that would be us too. Sorry, bunch of your crew were at that super spread of fund raiser.

Randy: Alright. Who’s looking for patchy. We got a bunch of fake pubes.

Richie: Yeah. Here we go.