Tag: Mikey Day

The War in Words- Bertie and Mary

Bertie… Mikey Day

Mary.. Carey Mulligan

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the History channel. At 10, it’s “All dogs go to hell: Hitler’s hounds in color”. But first, it’s “The war in words: Letters from the line.”

[Cut to intro]

Male voice: The letters from Lieutenant Bertie Pembrook of the royal Navy and his wife, Mary, 1943.

[Cut to Bertie write a letter’]

Bertie: My dearest Mary. The sea is quiet today. The German U-boat attacks have seized for now. [cut to Mary reading the letter] My thoughts drift as they often do to you, my dear wife. Tell me, love. Do you think of me? Your adoring husband, Bertie.

[Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Dear Bertie, yes. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie reading the letter and looking over if theres anything else written.]

Bertie: [writing the letter] Dearest Mary, i was thrilled to receive your letter. But alas, it was over so quickly. Your words do much to brighten my spirit, so tell me an amusing story or perhaps, a joke. Your’s, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Dear Bertie. Knock-knock. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Dear Mary, I fear the knock-knock joke structure does not lend itself to letters. Instead, and I hope I’m not being too forward, would you send me something a bit naughty? It is lonely at sea. Your blushing Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, you rascal. I shall do as you say and send along something naughty. But you better not pass it around your friends, dirty boy. Your naughty wife, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary! You have sent me cocaine! When I said naughty, I meant a racy photo, not an illegal narcotic. But I have bigger worries. Last night, my dear friend Steven was shot and died in my arms. Saddened at sea, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, don’t panic. As long as nobody saw you kill him, they can’t prove it was you. Trust me, I’ve been dow this road before. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: My love, I did not kill Steven. It was the Nazis, obviously. And what do you men you’ve been down this road before? Have you been involved in a murder? Concerned, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, no. Wink-wink. But smart movie blaming at Nazi. People don’t seem to like them much, even though the ones I met at dinner the other night were lovely. Yours, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary! You had dinner with the Nazis the other night? How? Why? details please. Alarmed in the Atlantic, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, oh you know me, always making new friends. By the way, I went to visit your parents the other day enclosing the photo of the three of us. With love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Dear god, Mary. What happened to my parents? [the picture she sent was a photo of her and tombstones] This is a photo of you in a graveyard. Why did you not tell me they passed away? Worried on the waves, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]
Mary: Bertie, I wanted to tell you in person, but you’ve been off with your friends.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: I’ve been at war!

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: But good news, as you know by now, Germany surrendered. I was visiting my sister in New York when we heard. We took to the streets to celebrate. A photo of me has been wound up on a magazine. Enclosing a copy along with a little gift. Your covergirl, Mary.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary, stop sending me cocaine. And as for the magazine, who the hell are you kissing? [opens the cocaine packet] Alright, you know what? I’m actually going to do this.

Male voice: This has been, “The war in words”

Star Trek Spinoff

Captain… Beck Bennett

Corporal… Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

McKenna… Carey Mulligan

Zachary… Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Paramount+, we thought of the plusing before Disney. We now return to the Startrek prequel: Starcharter Andromeda.

[Cut to the ship]

Captain: What’s the situation, corporal?

Corporal: It’s not good, sir. Solar flair scrambled the ship’s computers. All proportion and guidance systems have gone dark.

Ego: The ship is dead and we’re headed towards the Medusa blackhole.

Alex: If we cross it’s even horizon, there’s no escape.

Captain: How do we fix this?

Bowen: We’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work.

Captain: There’s got to be a way. Does anyone have an idea?

McKenna: Hi. I know I’m just a Consol Lout, but maybe we can try unplugging it and plugging it back in?

Corporal: What? Are you serious? This is ridiculous.

McKenna: [being emotional] I’m sorry I’m such a big dumb idiot. [storms outside]

Zachary: McKenna, wait! [yelling] I cannot believe you just did that.

Captain: Who are they and what was that?

Bowen: I don’t know who they are but I always see them in the hallway having intense conversations in hush tones.

Alex: Yes. And according to the crew log, captain, they just graduated from a small expensive Star Fleet Academy.

Ego: You know, my gut tells me they’re just rich white kids who for the first time are experiencing a world that doesn’t revolve around them.

Corporal: Alright. Well, we’ve got bigger problems.

[McKenna and Zachary walk back]

McKenna: Yeah. You’re right. Thank you, Zachary.

Zachary: I mean, they’re toxic. This whole place is literally toxic.

Captain: The anti-matter accelerator. We could route it’s power to propulsion systems.

Alex: The risk of overload is very high, captain. That is a very dangerous option.

Bowen: But it just might work.

Zachary: Um, excuse me?

McKenna: Zachary, don’t!

Zachary: No, they were wrong. McKenna is too polite and awesome and too beautiful to say it, so I will. I think you owe her an apology.

Corporal: I don’t owe her a thing. We’re dealing with a life and death emergency.

McKenna: [shocked] Stop gaslighting me. [storms out]

Zachary: McKenna, stop!

Corporal: What’s going on with your friend?

Zachary: McKenna is dealing with a lot right now, you have no idea.

Corporal: A lot? Is it worse than drifting into a blackhole?

Zachary: Yes. Her parents might be selling her childhood home.

Ego: Might be?

[Chloe runs in]

Chloe: Zachary, McKenna is threatening to jump out into space.

Zachary: No! No, McKenna! Move! [storms out]

Captain: Should someone check on her?

Bowen: No. She threatens to jump out into space everyday. It’s fine.

Ego: Captain, if we’re going to power up the inter-matter accelerator, we need to do it now.

Alex: Think carefully, captain. The lives of every soul on board are at stake.

[McKenna and Zachary walk in]

McKenna: I would like to speak my truth to you.

Corporal: Not now.

Zachary: Yes! Yes, now. Go ahead, McKenna.

McKenna: I will not let you take my power away. My name is McKenna McLord Davies and my voice has value.

Zachary: [pointing at Corporal] My best friend’s voice has value.

Corporal: [pushing Zachary’s hand away] Get your finger out of my face.

Zachary: Oh my god, let go of me. You’re hurting me.

McKenna: Stop killing him.

Chloe: [recording through phone] You’re on videotape, ma’am. Stop assaulting my friend.]

Corporal: I’m not. When a commanding officer asks you to do something, you do it. You understand?

Zachary: My arm. She broke my arm.

McKenna: You broke his arm.

Captain: Everyone, quiet! Look, we’re now approaching a blackhole. We’re already inside it.

Zachary: Sir, she broke my arm. I need the rest of the day off.

Captain: Put these guys in the airlock now!

[They throw three of them out in the space.]

IBS Medicine Ad

Mom… Carey Mulligan

Dad… Mikey Day

Lauren Holt

Janitor… Kenan Thompson

Principal… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Mom and Dad at their son’s school concert. Their son is going to play guitar.]

Female voice: Life’s special moments are meant to be enjoyed. Not spend worrying about your irritable bowel syndrome.

[Mom feels pressure in her stomach]

Mom: [to Dad] I’ll be right back]

Dad: But Ryan’s solo is coming up.

[Mom runs to the toilet]

Female voice: It can strike at any time. Robbing you of life’s special moments. [Ryan looking at his sad being sad] But now, there’s help. [when Mom’s walking back to her seat, Lauren stops her and gives her a pack of pill] With Tremfalta. Tremfalta is a once daily pill that helps control your IBS syndrome. Instead of it controlling you. [Mom takes her seat and now her son is happily playing the guitar]. So you can enjoy more of life’s special moment.

Janitor: [yelling] Oh my god!

All: Shh!

Janitor: Who did this? It is everywhere. On the wall? Ugh!

Female voice: Tremfalta works by slowing your body’s digestive process decreasing the intensity and volatility of bowel movements so you can get back to what really matters.

[Janitor calls principal and shows the bathroom]

Principal: Oh!

Janitor: What did I tell you?

Female voice: Because some of life’s moments are too important to miss.

Principal: Stop the concert. Kids, I’m sorry. Someone has done something very, very bad in the bathroom. Something very disrespectful. [Lauren is shaking her head] Who did this filth?

Dad: [whispering to Mom] Didn’t you go–

Mom: [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

Female voice: Consult your doctor before use. Side effects may include–

Janitor: [yelling] Something is wrong with you, you sick son of a bitch.

Female voice: Side effects may–

Janitor: [yelling] You just lit up the toilet. You just lit the whole damn thing up.

Female voice: Side effects–

Janitor: I have kids! Damn!

Female voice: Never miss a special moment again.

[Mom hugs Lauren and whispers in her ears]

Mom: [whispering] If you say anything, I will destroy your life.

Lauren: What?

Mom: [looking at her family] Wait for mom.

Female voice: With Tremfalta.

Dad: I think we got a star on our hands.

Weekend Update- Jeff and Hattie Deeley on Their Marriage

Michael Che

Hattie… Heidi Gardner

Jeff… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: May-December relationships are nothing unusual now-a-days. But a 26 year old groom is facing accusations of being a gold digger after marrying his 106 year old multi billionaire bride. Here to respond are newly-weds Jeff and Hattie Deley.

[Hattie and Jeff slide in]

Jeff: I put a ring on it. Thanks, Michael. I just want to say to all the haters out there, I’m not pretending. I could care less about my wife’s money. I married my wife because I’m in love with her.

Hattie: Candy? [passes candy to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh. Is this a cough-trap?

Hattie: It’s candy.

Jeff: Yeah. She likes to give those out. I don’t know if I’d eat it. It’s a little weird.

Hattie: That’s candy.

Michael Che: Thank you.

Jeff: And by the way, I just want to say, I didn’t even know she was rich to like, a couple of months after we started dating.

Michael Che: Dude, her maiden name is Exxonmobil. Hattie Exxonmobil.

Jeff: I don’t know.

Hattie: That’s me!

Jeff: Yeah, that is you, baby. God, she’s so sexy. All I know is it was love at first sight. She walked by and I swear on my life, like, except for the Walker, I thought it was Margot Robbie. I was like, what?

Hattie: We are on television.

Jeff: Yeah, we are, baby. We are on television. Yeah.

Michael Che: So, I hear you won’t sign a prenup?

Jeff: Yeah. I mean, her family wants me to but I know we’ll never divorce. So, what’s the point? You know what I mean?

Hattie: Can I have a custard before bed?

Jeff: Yeah, it’s awesome, baby.

Hattie: It’s little snack called custard.

Jeff: Yeah. Alright. Yes, babe.

Hattie: You owe me custard before bed.

Michael Che: I understand, ma’am. Just… What do you love the most about your wife?

Jeff: Um, she makes me laugh, Michael.

Hattie: Light’s so bright in here.

Jeff: Yeah. Baby, what kind of stuff do we laugh about?

Hattie: The hey?

Jeff: She says ‘the hey’. It means like, what? I think it’s an old person thing. It’s super adorable though, and I love it. Ha-ha-ha. [loud voice] What do we laugh about, baby?

Hattie: Oh. He-he. The hey.

Jeff: We have the same sense of humor. It’s awesome. [yelling] Babe, what do we laugh about?

Hattie: Excited for my custard.

Jeff: Yes, custard.

Hattie: Eat a custard.

Jeff: Yeah, he knows about the custard. No, we’re just excited to start our lives and start a family.

Michael Che: A family? Dude, I think ship has sailed, man.

Jeff: No. Technology is redonk now. Like, you just have to have my sperm fertilize another woman’s egg, and that woman carries and then has the baby.

Michael Che: So, you’re just going to get another woman pregnant?

Jeff: Look, kids are down the road. We got to practice making them first.

Michael Che: Dude, for real? What is having sex with your wife like? Killer?

Jeff: You’d think so, but no.

Hattie: I like it a lot.

Michael Che: Aw.

Jeff: She does.

Hattie: I like it a lot.

Jeff: They know, babe.

Hattie: [pointing at Jeff] I have sex with him.

Michael Che: Okay, if this is legit, I hope you two have many, many more years together.

Jeff: Oh, don’t say that, man.

Michael Che: That’s right.

Hattie: [pointing at Jeff’s penis] Excited for my custard.

Jeff: They know. We’re gonna have it.

Michael Che: The Deleys, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Scattergories

Mr. K…Mikey Day

Mrs. K… Kate McKinnon

Steven… Daniel Kaluuya

Heidi Gardner

Mr. K: Well, great dinner, everybody.

Steven: Thanks for cooking again, Mrs. K.

Mrs. K: Well, thank you for bringing the wine. I love that it’s called Josh. It’s the nickname for wine.

Steven: Of course, ma’am. I’ve got to impress my girlfriend’s parents, right?

Mr. K: Oh, you always do. Well, you guys should head home or we could play a game.

Steven: I’ll be down to play a game.

Heidi: Yeah.

Mr. K: Okay. What do we have?

Mrs. K: We have Rummikub.

Steven: What’s a Rummikub?

Mrs. K: It combines elements of Mahjong and Rummi, and it’s really fun.

Heidi: Mom, that game is so boring. We’re never gonna wanna play that.

Mr. K: We got Scattergories.

Steven: I’m actually really good at that one. You guys bette watch out.

Heidi: That’s perfect.

Mrs. K: You know what? I might be too tired for a game other than Rummikub. I’m just going to clean up.

Mr. K: Okay.

Steven: Are you sure?

Mrs. K: Yeah. You got stuff to do. I got stuff to do. You guys have fun. [walks to the kitchen]

Mr. K: Okay. Well, we’re going to play. Okay, we are writing down words for each category that starts with– [rolling the die] You guys ready? ‘W’. And go.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

You okay, hun?

Mrs. K: Me? Yeah, just cleaning up.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Is she alright?

Heidi: Yes, she said she’s fine. Oh, man. W is hard.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Do you want some help?

Mrs. K: No. I’m fine.

Heidi: Time is almost up.

[Mrs. K is banging the dishwasher]

Mr. K: I’m trying to find the last couple of answers.

Heidi: It’s not latching.

Mr. K: My love?

Steven: And time!

Heidi: Mom, are you okay? Do you not want us to play this/

Mrs. K: No, I’m good. Just doing my thing.

Heidi: Okay, because the dishes are a little loud.

Mrs. K: Oh, well, I’m sorry. I’m do something else. No problem.

Heidi: Okay. Thanks, mom.

Mr. K: Thanks, hun.

Steven: What what do you guys have? Things in the sky? I had–

[Heidi turns on the vacuum cleaner. It’s very loud.]

I had weather.

Heidi: That’s good. I had ‘wet balloon’. It doesn’t count, right?

Mr. K: I had ‘Whooshing wind.’ Honey, why are you doing that?

Mrs. K: I saw sesame seed. They’re toxic to dogs.

Mr. K: Yeah. We don’t have a dog.

Mrs. K: Well, and this is why.

[turns off the vacuum cleaner]

Heidi: Mom, are you sure you don’t want to play with us? It’s fun. The category is ‘things in the sky’.

Mrs. K: Okay, birds.

Heidi: Oh, well, it has to be with ‘w’.

Mrs. K: [annoyed] I wasn’t told that.

Steven: Because the die said ‘w’.

Mrs. K: Are you done with that glass? [the glasses are full with wine, but she takes them all anyway]

Steven: Not really. But that’s fine.

Mr. K: Let’s do a new round. Get a new list. [Mrs. K starts drinking everybody’s drinks.] New letter is ‘m’. And go!

[Mrs. K turns on music very loud. She’s wearing a headphone.]

Steven: What song is this, Mrs. K?

Mrs. K: Oh, you can hear that? I’m wearing a headphone.

Heidi: Yeah, but you’re playing it from the speaker.

Mrs. K: Okay. Sorry about that.

Heidi: No problem.

[phone ringing]

Mrs. K: Oh! Sorry, I have to get this. This is important. [Mrs. K walks near everyone else in purpose answering the phone] Hello. Um-hmm. And how long does that offer last? And the figures in would arrive when? That’s a lot to think about. I will be in touch. Thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]

Heidi: Mom, this one’s easier if you want to try. It’s foods for lunch.

Mrs. K: Okay. Wonderbread.

Heidi: The letter is M now. [Mrs. K is angrier] But that was a really good answer.

[Mrs. K turns on the disposal. It’s very loud.]

Mr. K: What are you putting in the disposal, huh?

Mrs. K: Just pictures. [Mrs. K’s putting her family pictures into the disposal.]

Heidi: Okay, mom, what’s going on? Are you upset? Do you want to play something else?

Mrs. K: You know what I wanted to play.

Mr. K: Rummikub?

Mrs. K: Yes! Rummikub. Always Rummikub.

Mr. K: Sorry, hun. It just seemed like more people wanted to play Scattergories.

Mrs. K: None of you like what I like. Last year on my birthday, we watched Deadpool. You think I liked that? I have been trying to get you to sit here and watch ‘Chocolat’  since we bought this house.

Heidi: Oh, Steven and I just watched that.

Mrs. K: Oh my god!

Heidi: Sorry.

Mrs. K: I fed your snake ‘Feedle’ mice for 10 years after you went to college. I would go to ‘Petco’ and they would say, “The usual” and I would say, “Yes. Dead mice bag, please.” And you can’t even play a single fgame of Rummikub?

Steven: You had a snake?

Heidi: I did. Okay, mom, do you want to play Rummikub now?

Mrs. K: NO! Wait, yes.  Wait, no. I’m drunk. Ah! I’m sorry, I think had too much Josh.

[cut to the commercial. There’s Josh wine and there’s Rummikub.]

Male voice: Josh wine, the official wine of Rummikub.

Salt Bae

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Dave… Daniel Kaluuya

Mikey Day

David Beckham… Alex Moffat

Victoria Beckham… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with two couples at a fine dining]

Cecily: So glad we could do this. Lisa, you look so cute.

Ego: Thanks girl. This is where my steamy money went.

Cecily: I mean, it’s nice. It’s not $1200 nice.

Dave: This place is cool. Good choice, baby.

Mikey: Yeah. And I heard he’s actually here tonight.

Dave: Who’s here?

[Salt Bae walks to their table with a chopping board, a meat on it and a knife.]

Cecily: Salt Bae!

Ego: Oh my god, Salt Bae is at our table.

Dave: Good evening, bro. Got any specials tonight?

Ego: Oh my god. I know the specials. He’s going to give us the meat.

Dave: Did we order this?

Cecily: [taking a video] Shh! It’s happening.

[Salt Bae puts in the salt in his style]

Girls: Wow!

Dave: Wow. Didn’t know you like salt that much.

[Salt Bae gestures like he’s calling Cecily]

Cecily: You want me to salt meat?

Ego: Oh my god. Dave, you better get your phone out and film her.

Dave: Why?

Ego: This is why she’s here, dammit!

[Salt Bae is holding Cecily and helping her salt the meat]

Dave: That’s insane amount of touching with the waiter, right?

Ego: He’s not a waiter.

Dave: Well then, what is he?

[Salt Bae cuts a slice of meat and lifts it with the knife]

Cecily: Ooh! Drop it down my throat.

Dave: What?

Cecily: Babe, are you filming?

Dave: Yeah. But why are you eating like that though?

[Salt Bae puts a meat in Cecily’s mouth. Then he wipes her lips and walks away.]

Cecily: Hmm. Bye.

Ego: Bye, Salt Bae.

Dave: Right. So, I didn’t like that.

Cecily: Dave, that’s Salt Bae. He’s the most important chef in the world. Haven’t you seen his Instagram?

Dave: You get on, Sam bro.

Mikey: Yes, I think it’s cultural thing. Like, Salt Bae loves beautiful steak and Salt Bae loves beautiful women.

Ego: Wait, are you upset with Hannah or are you upset with Salt Bae?

Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t be mad a Salt Bae.

Cecily: Dave, Salt Bae is allowed.

Dave: No, no, no, no. It’s fine. Never mind. You’re having a good time. Enjoy the meat, babe.

[Salt Bae jumps in with another piece of meat]

Hello again, Salt Bae. Spanking the meat. I see you. I understand what you’re doing. Very good.

[Salt Bae moves near Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my turn I guess. [Cecily slaps the meat] Oh! Oh, I love the way your meat feels.

Dave: It’s just not sanitary.

[Salt Bae moves near Ego]

Ego: Now it’s my turn to spank your meat.

Mikey: [filming Ego] Oh my god! Amazing!

Dave: Bro, you like this?

Mikey: No, I hate this.

Dave: I’d love to order a drink by the way.

[Salt Bae puts the meat on the chopping board and walks out]

And he’s gone. He’s gone.

Cecily: I am posting the video and tagging him.

Dave: I’m sorry, but this guy is giving me magician energy. You know? It’s a bit firsty.

Ego: Wait, are you jealous?

Dave: Of the meat mime? No.

Cecily: Oh my god, he DM’ed me.

Dave: What the hell did he say?

Cecily: [hiding her phone] Nothing.

[Salt Bae jumps in with the gold steak]

Mikey: Oh! The gold steak.

[Salt Bae pulls out a bone and moves near Ego]

Ego: Me?

[Ego opens her mouth wide open. Salt Bae puts in the bone.]

Mikey: Honey, you’re so lucky!

Dave: I’m feeling like we shouldn’t be watching this.

Mikey: I like to watch.

[Salt Bae moves near Mikey]

Me? No, I’m not beautiful like them.

[Salt Bae puts the bone in Mikey’s mouth]

Ego: Wow. You look so happy.

Dave: I don’t know if I like that. By the way, how much is it? How much is the gold steak?

[Salt Bae passes the bill on his knife]

Dave: Perfect! I’m getting charged $1100 to get cucked in front of David Beckham.

David Beckham: Salt Bae. Cool, right?

Victoria Beckham: Your girlfriend is absolutely stalling with the steak.

[Now, Cecily is on the table with her legs spread. Salt Bae is pouring salt between her legs. Cecily is moaning.]

Dave: That’s it! Sir, you’re an Instagram celebrity. You’re not better than me. I manage T-Mobile. And I worked hard to take my lady to dinner and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t salt her on our dinner table.

Cecily: [yelling at Dave, still her legs spread] Hey! Calm down. You’re embarrassing me in front of the Beckham Poshs.

Beckhams: We like it.

Dave: Anyone can slice meat. It’s not that hard.

[Dave tries to slice the meat]

Salt Bae: No, it’s very sharp!

[Dave cuts his thumb off. He is bleeding and spraying blood all over the place.]

Mikey: Oh my god!

Cecily: Hey, your thumb. You should take yourself to the hospital.

Dave: Take myself?

Cecily: Yes. We’ve got steak left.

Frat Trip

Beck Bennett

Pledge… Andrew Dismukes

Austin… Chris Redd

Matt… Bowen Yang

Gael… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

Daniel Kaluuya

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of college boys hanging out]

Beck: Oh, Pledge!

[Pledge walks in wearing a baby hat]

Pledge: Yes, Ford.

Beck: Go to the Pi Phi sorority house and take a number two in their downstairs bathroom.

Pledge: As you command. Oh, man. Those girls are so pretty.

[Pledge walks out]

[Austin walks in]

Austin: Yo, second dose, mother-suckers. It’s official! Austin is vaccinated!

All: Yeah!

Matt: We need to celebrate.

Gael: Yeah. Yo! I have a bomb idea. Weekend before finals, we should rent a house in Tahoe.

All: Yeah!

Matt: If we do that, I will do coke. Okay? I know I was super anti-coke earlier in the year, but I’ll do it. Someone else has to buy it though.

Alex: Okay. Let’s Airbnb a bombass place.

Pete: Ay, should we tell Brit and those girls to come?

Daniel: Yeah. We could invite our moms.

Austin: [shocked] You said moms?

Daniel: Yeah, it’s mother’s day weekend, man. What better way to celebrate than spending time with their sons? This is dope! Let’s do it!

Kyle: Yeah, I’m not really feeling the mom aspect of the plan. But I like everything else.

Gael: Yeah. Alright, we doing this then. I’ll start looking for a place.

Kyle: I’ll text them honeys, let them know Tahoe’s going off.

Daniel: I’ll get a Facebook group chat going with the moms so that they can connect with each other.

Gael: Yeah. Maybe hold off on that chat because I don’t know if the group’s feeling the ‘mom’ thing, dude!

Beck: Oh, yo! Dude! Oh my god! Yo!! T-shirts that say ‘Sigma Delta Tahoe Trip 21.

Kyle: That’s so baller! Rolling up in our shirts like, “Sup, Tahoe?”

Daniel: My mom’s a size medium.

Matt: Yo, my mom will say she’s a medium but get her a large.

Gael: Yo, stop! I don’t know how the ‘mom’ thing is gaining traction. Right? No moms, right?

Pete: Yeah. Everybody Venmo me 50 bucks and I’ll make a Cosco run. What do we want?

Alex: Beers, pal. Like Bud and fancy one like Amstel.

Beck: Yeah, get one of those big plastic vodka handles too.

Daniel: And maybe grab like, a couple of 24 packs of Activia for the moms.

Pete: Oh, good call. What flavor?

Kyle: Ayo! Brit’s asking me if the girls’ moms are invited too?

Daniel: Hell, yeah! More moms, the merrier.

Gael: Yo! No! No more mom talk. Because the more the mom stuff comes up, the more the moms become the part of this plan in everyone’s head. This is a Sigma Delta trip. Alright? Let’s focus. So, Thursday night, we get there. Like, we drop our bags. I feel like we go out right away.

Alex: Yeah. Boys’ night out!

Austin: Yeah. Because the moms are going to be tired from traveling. So they’ll probably want to chill at the house.

Daniel: True. Specially if someone’s flying in.

Gael: Guys, stop.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah. You can rent a pontoon boat for Austin0 people.

Matt: [hyper excited] Yes! Yes! Let’s ride one. We have to. Let’s ride one. Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Beck: We will, Matt. Chill.

Pete: Hey, do pontoon boats have sun shade thing on the top? Because my mom won’t go unless she sits on the shade.

Daniel: Yeah. My mom wouldn’t be feeling that direct sun either, man.

Gael: Yeah. It doesn’t matter if they’re not feeling it because they’re not coming, right? You’re not going to want them there by the way when we’re chilling here in our house for the weekend! [showing everyone the rented house on laptop]

All: Oh! Yeah!

Daniel: And Jinx! I give you the moms on a group FaceTime call.

[puts the video call on TV]

Moms: We are so excited!

Kate: Brad! Honey, you look skinnier. You eating?

Aidy: Dylan, you need to sleep more. You look exhausted.

Cecily: Gael, I’m going to wear a two piece bathing suit. Will that embarrass you?

Gael: I mean, I don’t know. It kind of would, mom.

Cecily: Well, I’m wearing it!

Daniel: This weekend’s gonna be epic!

Gael: No! No, it’s not, dude! It’s gonna suck!

[Cut to picture of Gael and his mom enjoying the party getting drunk.]

 

Britney Spears Talk Show Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Lil’ Nas X… Chris Redd

Jesus… Mikey Day

Pepe Le Pew… Kate McKinnon

Matt Gaetz… Pete Davidson

[starts with show intro]

Female voice: Live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”. With your host, Britney Spears.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her show set]

Britney Spears: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. This is the show where we shine a light on social pariahs of the week. And I get to decide whether they’re innocent or [singing] not that innocent. And speaking of pariahs, shout our to our sponsor, Georgia – voted best place not to vote. I too have been put in the hot seat this week. I was accused of not writing my own social media captions. Ha-ha! That’s right. They thought someone else wrote – [cut the her tweet] “Who else finds the sea more mysterious than space?” Why do they think is running my account? Jacques Cousteau? Okay, my first guest tonight has been attacked by rare combo of Catholic church and Nike. Please welcome Lil’ Nas X.

[Lil’ Nas X walks in]

Lil’ Nas X: Hi Britney. I hope you don’t mind but I wore one of my casual look.

Britney Spears: You look amos. Now, I want to start with your new satan shoes. Is it true that they’re Nikes made with human blood?

Lil’ Nas X: Yeah, but I don’t know why Nike so mad. The whole thing is ‘just do it’. Well, I did it.

Britney Spears: People were also freaking out about your new video where you ride down a stripper pole to hell and twerk on the devil. Why are they so upset?

Lil’ Nas X: Because they’re closed minded idiots? People are afraid of me because I’m different. But really, I’m just your typical gay black country rap sneaker entrepreneur. I put my pants on like everyone else. One assless chap at a time.

Britney Spears: And what would you say to the religious folks who were mad that you gave satan a lap dance?

Lil’ Nas X: I would say – you know that wasn’t the real satan, right? It was a dude in a Halloween devil costume because the real satan doesn’t do music videos. So maybe, chill?

Britney Spears: So, helping people together, would you be willing to give a lap dance to god? Just to even things out?

Lil’ Nas X: Hmm. Okay, yeah. I guess.

Britney Spears: Okay, let’s do it.

[A man wearing Jesus costume walks in and sits. Lil’ Nas X twerts on him and gives him a lap dance.]

Wow! Happy Easter, everyone!

Lil’ Nas X: And should I again remind people, that was not the real god? That was just my friend, Gary.

Britney Spears: Thanks, Gary. Okay, my next guest has been cancelled and got taken out of the upcoming film “Space Jam”. Please welcome Pepe Le Pew.

[Pepe Le Pew walks in. He’s wearing a squirrel costume.]

Pepe Le Pew: Hello to you. I would kiss you all the way up your arm, but I realize that is no longer socially acceptable. So, I will shake your hand and say nice to meet you.

Britney Spears: See? You’re learning. Now, the original “Space Jam” is one of the best alien sports movie of all time. What was your part in the movie supposed to be?

Pepe Le Pew: Well, any good basketball family needs a horny skunk. That much we all know. So, my part was, get this, I see a basketball in a blonde wig. I make love to it for Britney Spears0-Britney Spears5 minutes before LeBron James taps me on the shoulder and says, “Bro, that’s a basketball.” Not my finest moment in cinema but it made the crew laugh. So…

Britney Spears: And how do you respond to people who say you promote a culture of assault?

Pepe Le Pew: Look, I’m an actor. The part you see me play on TV and movie, that’s not me. I would love to be at a point in my career where I could turn down project, but there are not a lot of part for an old French skunk. Every audition, everyone come down to me or Gerard Depardieu. And if you think I am problematic, the problematic Looney Tunes? Two words for you. Speedy Gonzales. And, you didn’t hear this from me, but FBI is 90% sure, Yosemite Sam was at the Capitol riot.

Britney Spears: Oh. So, Pepe, where do we go from here?

Pepe Le Pew: I’ve been doing the work. Reading books. Women are from Mars, skunks are from France. I realize that Pepe love women but what Pepe needs to do now is listen to women. And of course, I am in a treatment for sex addiction.

Britney Spears: Okay. Krrr! Our final guest is, as we said in the early 2000s, a hot mess, and as we’d say today, a full on sex pest, please keep your hands apart not clapping for Florida congressman Matt Gaetz.

[Matt Gaetz walks in wearing a suit]

Matt Gaetz: Hi, everyone. Gigity gigity goop.

Britney Spears: Now, who are you again?

Matt Gaetz: My name is Matt Gaetz. Like, Bill Gates, but with a Z at the end. Like a cool version for teens.

Britney Spears: Speaking of teens–

Matt Gaetz: Oh, we don’t have to speak of teens.

Britney Spears: No, ha-ha. Let’s. So, this whole story is so bizarre, so incredibly Florida that I need to get it straight. You were dating a 17 year old and brought her on trips across state lines.

Matt Gaetz: Allegedly.

Britney Spears: Prostitutes say you took ecstasy and had sex with them in Florida hotel rooms.

Matt Gaetz: Alleged– gigity goop.

Britney Spears: And your republican colleagues in congress say that you showed them nude photos of women you were sleeping with.

Matt Gaetz: Which is not a crime! Just horrifying!

Britney Spears: I don’t know, Matt. I think I can spot a teen predator when I see one. After all, I was on Mickey Mouse club.

Matt Gaetz: Argh! That’s ridiculous. People were just targeting me because I defended Donald Trump.

Britney Spears: And what has Trump said in your defense?

Matt Gaetz: Gigity squat!

Britney Spears: Do you think these allegations are going to hurt you in the next election?

Matt Gaetz: Weirdly in my district, they might help. But come on, I’m just like Pepe here. I’m just a ladies man.

Pepe Le Pew: Dude, no! I’m a cartoon skunk. You are a United States congressman. Be better, okay?

Matt Gaetz: You know what? Maybe I should do a lap dance too. That’d be fun, right?

Lil’ Nas X: If you come anywhere near me, just remember, I have hiphop friends and country friends, the Tupac relations that are guaranteed to own guns.

Matt Gaetz: Okay, point taken.

Pepe Le Pew: And if I may add– [Pepe Le Pew turns her back toward Matt Gaetz and farts hard]

Matt Gaetz: Oh, god! I kinda like it.

Britney Spears: And now, I am going to give my verdict. Lil’ Nas X, innocent.

Lil’ Nas X: Hell, yeah.

Britney Spears: Pepe Le Pew, not that innocent.

Pepe Le Pew: I accept. It’s time for a newly Pew.

Britney Spears: And Matt Gaetz, I’m not legally allowed to call you innocent or guilty, so I’ll just encourage everyone to [singing] judge him by his face. 

Matt Gaetz: Oh-oh!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Hot Ones

Sean Evans… Mikey Day

Beyonce… Maya Rudolph

DeMichelangelo… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Agent… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: “Hot Ones”, the show where celebrities answer hot questions while eating even hotter wings.

[Cut to the show]

Sean: Hi, I’m Sean Evans. I’m joined today by royalty Grammy winning recording artist, actress and icon, Deyonce Knowles-Carter. It is truly an honor.

Beyonce: Yeah, I know.

Sean: Like, I cannot believe you’re on hot ones.

Beyonce: I feel you. I can’t tell if this is beneath me. But my sister, Solange loves this show and said I’d have fun. So…

Sean: Well, I’m glad she did. So, we can start with a mild wing here.

Beyonce: Mild? Come on, now. I’m from Texas, baby. This girl can handle her wings. Let’s start with this one right here.

Sean: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. [showing the chilly sauce] This is Hitler’s anus roasted reaper sauce with the scoville rating of 135,600.

[both eat the wings]

Beyonce: [looking nervous] I don’t love that name but the wing look good.

Sean: Alright. You said in the 26th Vanity Fair article that as a child, being on stage set you free. Can you talk more about that?

Beyonce: Well. I was a shy kid. Umm… this is good, by the way. Spicy, though. But when I got– Whoo! Okay. This wing came correct. It’s very hot. I’m good though.

Sean: Okay. You have some ice water and milk there if you need any.

Beyonce: I’m not gonna drink big fat glass of milk on camera. That’s not a good look for Beyonce.

Sean: Yeah. Milk isn’t like, a sexy drink. I’m sorry. Now, there’s a lyrics in Bills, Bills, Bills. Are you okay?

[Beyonce is sweating all over her face]

Miss Knowles-Carter, are you good? Beyonce?

Beyonce: [spooky voice] Sorry, I’m good. Your girl’s throat just closed up for a second thought. Let’s do the next wing.

Sean: Okay. Are you sure?

Beyonce: Definitely, boo.

Sean: Okay. Alright. Next up, we have the Devil’s Diarrhea Scorpion sauce, scoville rating of 676,000.

[both eat the wigs]

Yeah, good, right? So, after the Destiny’s Child’s performance at the 2016 Super Bowl, fans speculated a possible–

Beyonce: Oh, damn!

Sean: Um, is there any chance–

Beyonce: [screaming] Ah! Sorry, what?

Sean: Um, is there any chance of reunion?

Beyonce: [screaming] Ooh! Kiss my ass! I’m sweating. Beyonce’s head is wet. Damn, this wing is recking me. I need to hydrate. [drinking water] Oh, this isn’t helping. Damn, water makes it worse. Oh lord, why is it worse? [starts drinking milk] Got my ass drinking milk now. Room temp milk? For real? Oh, Solange in trouble now!

Sean: Is Destiny’s Child reunion something you’ve thought about? No! No! Don’t touch your eyes!

[Beyonce is wiping away her tears with her hands]

Beyonce: I know that now, you bald ass bitch. Oh, my whole head is on fire. Where is my hair stylist? DeMichelangelo, come to my side.

DeMichelangelo: Yes, B.

Beyonce: Argh! I need you to take my wig off, put six ice cubes on my head, then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But B, you on camera.

Beyonce: I don’t care. Take my wig off. Put six ice cubes on my head then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But I don’t have my wig gloves. I might grease the hair, B.

Beyonce: Do it now or I will stomp you to death.

DeMichelangelo: Yes. Of course, B. Oh my lord, I’m doing a wig pop with my bare hands. Oh Jesus, help me.

[trying to take Beyonce’s wig off]

Ego: Hey! Hey! Hey! Bald man, do not film B taking her wig off. No. Not gonna happen.

Sean: We can always edit it out.

Ego: No. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the footage to exist. B, you good? Oh, she’s good. Continue.

Beyonce: [her hair is all messed up] I’m alright. I’m alright. Proceed.

Sean: Okay. Can you talk about the origin of this ‘now iconic’ move?

Beyonce: I forget.

Sean: Oh really? You don’t remember where it came from at all?

Beyonce: Dude, it’s taking all my concentration to keep from blowing out my pants on you Junkie ass show.

Sean: Okay. So, you need to stop?

Beyonce: Beyonce don’t quit. You have any more sauces out there?

Sean: There are six.

Beyonce: Oh, hell no. Get my agent out here. Tod, shut it down.

[Agents walk in shutting down the show]

Agent: Okay, folks. This never happened. Yeah? I need all footage and audio files destroyed. If you leave here without signing an NDA, you will be shot. Okay?

Boomers Got the Vax

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Kenan Thompson

Maya Rudolph

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

E-dith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with video clips from the news]

Newscaster: A majority of baby boomers have been vaccinated. Have been vaccinated.

[music playing]

Have been vaccinated, vaccinated
Vaccinated, vaccinated, vaccinated

Chris: Baby boomers, greatest generation
Got all the money, now we got the vaccination
Crash the economy, three whole times
But when it comes to the vax, we the first in line

Mikey: Got a job out of college, no student debt
Retirement funded, 100%
Voted for Trump, but just for the taxes
Don’t believe in Covid, still got the vaxes

Kyle: Pzifer, Moderna, I know you wur-na
Get one, but you gotta wait your tur-na
I get to the vax site, I get what I want son
You get what’s left bitch – Johnson & Johnson!

All: Money, stacked
Pants, khaks
Arm, vaxxed
No, mask

Chris: Biggest generation, ain’t no stopping me
Never gonna die, draining social security

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
No rumors, just facts, yeah
Give it up if you’re 70+
Everyone else gettin’ jealous of us, jealous of us

Kenan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(How you livin’ ladies?)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(Hah)

Maya: Ow! Covid can’t touch me now
Low mask in the store, nose poking out
When it’s time to pay, I whip the coupons out
Even though I got the stimmy in the bank account

Aidy: Y’all can’t see? Lemme give you a clear sense
We out here spending your inheritance
You in the parking lot eating by the trash right
We in the booth reading menus with the flashlight

Kate: Yeah, I know you missed us
Might book a trip on the Diamond Princess
Eat all the food, drink all the booze
Sail all the cruise, while you still on the Zoom

All: Job, retired
Climate, deniered
License, expired
But we still on fire

Maya: Stop by my house
Give my grandkids a hug
Now get the f— out
I’m tryna have fun!

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
Everyone else get to the back (get back), yeah
We comin’ first like we always do
We jumpin’ in front of you, and you, and you (And uh)
And you (And uh), and you (Uh), and you (Uh)

Kenan: I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y
That’s what I got, I got bodies-anti
I got the shot, that’s just how it is
You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids
I know you wanna live large like me
I got the big ass house and the SUV
I got the second house too, and the third house, three
And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami
Damn, I got five houses?
That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

Chris: Hit the links with the drinks for another golf sess
You on the vax website hittin’ the refresh
You whine and cry while we dine inside
We run the world since 1945, hah!

Mikey: Me? I spend my time playing tennis
Two things that don’t work, me and my pen-is
My shirt (What about it?), you know it’s gettin’ tucked
And my wife (What about her?), she left me (Oh)

E-dith Puthie: Hold up, hold up, I ain’t had my say yet
Yo, tell ’em what my name is

Kenan: Edith, Edith, Edith, Edith
E-dith Puthie!

E-dith Puthie: Edith Puthie on the track, you know I’m vaxxed out
Pop a Cialis, come throw yo’ back out
Hands in the air like your shoulder don’t hurt
Drop that ass to the floor like your knees still work

Melissa: Boomers got the vax, uhh
Boomers got the vax

Kenan: It is what it is sucka