Tag: Sasheer Zamata

Wells Fargo Wagon

Winthrop… Kyle Mooney

Mason… Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Sally… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

[Starts with The Music Man intro]

Announcer: You’re watching The Music Man on Turner Classis Movies. So either you’re an old woman or a young gay man.

[Cut to Winthrop running to Mason and Aidy]

Winthrop: Mason! Mason!

Mason: Why, hello there Winthrop.

Winthrop: [speaking while spitting everywhere] When do you think us kids are going to receive our musical instruments?

Aidy: Oh, I guess Winthrop still working on that lisp.

[Cut to Winthrop getting angry]

Winthrop: Say it to my face, bitch!

Mason: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Cut to all] Okay, easy Winthrop. I think everyone’s just a little excited about these instruments. [bell ringing] Oh, and listen that could be them arriving right now.

[Cut to Cecily dancing and singing]

Cecily: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

[Cut to Kenan and Sasheer walking in]

Kenan: Oh, please let it be for me

Sasheer: Oh, oh, oh, Well’s Fargo Wagon is coming down the street 

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I wish, I wish I knew what it could be

[Kate walks in]

Kate: I got a box of sugar on my birthday

Aidy: In March I got a grey macintos 

[Cut to 8, Kenan and Sasheer]

Mikey: And once I got some great fruits from Tampa

All: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

Oh please let it be for me

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone who is no relation

[Cut to all]

All: Or it could be something very, very special now just for me

[The wagon arrives and everyone is excited.]

Lin-Manuel: Well, hello River city.

Winthrop: Our instruments.

Sally: Do you have my clarinet?

Pete: Yeah, what about my flute or whatever?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Wells Fargo’s got something even better than instruments. They’re called bank accounts. And I’m giving everyone at least three of them.

Pete: Yeah! Wait, what?

Lin-Manuel: That’s right. Everyone gets a bank account. What’s your name son?

Winthrop: Winthrop.

Lin-Manuel: Okay, what’s your name?

Sally: Sally.

Lin-Manuel: I’ve got an accounted for you, Sally. And for your dog.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: Um, sir, I don’t think these children or their dogs need bank accounts.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Oh, sure they do. In fact this whole town needs bank account. Like you sir, and you ma’am, and this skinny gentleman over here.

[He’s pointing at the mailbox]

Kate: That’s a mailbox!

[Cut to the children and Lin-Manuel]

Pete: Why are you doing this, sir?

Lin-Manuel: Do you know what a code is kid? A code is a target I need to hit or I’m a dead man. So, what do you say? Do you want to kill me? Or do you want to shut up and get a credit card?

[Cut to the children]

Winthrop: But sir, you’re threatening customers. Isn’t that fraud?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Is it little frog? No, it’s a credit card.

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: I said fraud. I think you heard me say frog.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel looking around]

Lin-Manuel: Everybody hates this kid, right?

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I think the boy is right.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, if Wells Fargo keeps doing this, they’re going to get in trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble with the camp–

[Lin-Manuel slaps Kenan]

Lin-Manuel: Can you shut the hell up? You don’t understand the pressure I’m in. These Wells Fargo are jackals. As the matter of fact, they took my daughter.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: No, they didn’t.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Okay, you got me. Sales technique. But come on. You got to help me out on this. If I have to face my boss tomorrow with nothing, I shall poopie my pants.

[Winthrop approaches Lin-Manuel]

Winthrop: Hey, Mr., I’ll take one bank account please.

Lin-Manuel: Wow, I was all wrong about you kid. You’re a real pal. That’s why I’m also gonna give you something called an exploding mortgage. That sounds pretty cool, huh?

Winthrop: It sure does. [spitting on Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: You gotta learn how to talk man. I’m like, drenched.

[music playing]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone with no relation

Lin-Manuel: Or it could be…

All: Yes, it could be, yes you’re right, it sure could be

Lin-Manuel: Oh, and on the way in I ran over three kids.

All: Just for me.

Winthrop: Wells Fargo, sorry.

Substitute teacher

Leslie Jones

Dale Sweez… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with school bell ringing. Leslie enters the classroom.]

Leslie: Alright, alright. Settle down. [yelling] This class has already ran out of another teacher! So we got you a substitute today. Also, what is that smell in here? Your changing bodies are popping out so much sweat and now you trying to cover it up with Axe body spray? It’s not working! You stinking little hot pockets. Anyway, your substitute teacher is here, so shut up and listen to this dude.

[Dale Sweez walks in and Leslie leaves]

Dale Sweez: Wad up, fam? My name is Dale Sweez. You can call me Dale or you can call me Sweez. Let’s take the mister [pointing at Kenan] out of the picture.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey. Mikey is shaking his head.]

Kenan: [laughing] Oh, man! Not this guy.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Hey, let me ask you a question me ambre. You like hiphop? You like dope beats? Well, what if I told you that the greatest rapper of all time isn’t Tupac, isn’t Biggie, it’s actually–

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Shakespeare.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: It’s actually Shakespeare.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, dude. We know. You’re not the first well meaning sub to try and reach us through hiphop.

Kenan: Let me guess, you’re about to open your laptop and perform a rap version of “Hamlet’s to be or not to be”.

[Cut to Dale Sweez using his laptop]

Dale Sweez: What? No!

[“Hamlet’s to be or not to be” rap version plays on his laptop, but he immediately stops it.]

No, I wasn’t gonna do that.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, wow. You already recorded it. Very sad.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: This is actually mad inspiring. Coz I came in here thinking I was the teacher, but maybe you guys are gonna be the ones to…

[Cut to the students]

Students: To teach you.

Dale Sweez: Damn!

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, we’ve been through this so many times, man! There was that divorce lady who used hiphop to teach us poetry

[Cut to Pete and Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yeah. And remember that white ballet dancer from last week?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Yeah. First we taught her hiphop. And then she taught us ballet, but for some reason she could only teach us ballet through hiphop.

Mikey: I would love just like a quiet math class.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Well, let me tell you my story. It just might surprise you.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Not… likely…

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: I went out to Hollywood, did the whole actor thing. I was out there for over seven weeks. You know how many parts I got? Zero. You know how many auditions I went on? Over four. One day I said to myself, “Wait a minute Dale, what if the greatest part in the greatest movie is Dale Sweez in a real life.”

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Cool, man. Before you even started talking, I wrote down “Went to Hollywood, failed hard.”

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Whoa! My man! You just put the whole system on trial. And so am I. We’re gonna watch a movie today. But not a movie for them. A movie for you.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Them? Who is them? And please be specific.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: A little movie called Straight Outta Compton.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: We’ve already watched that six times. I know it by heart.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Let’s start over. Seems like you B boys and home girls got it all figured out, right? What about you, slugger? You’ve been pretty quiet over there. [Dale Sweez walks to Melissa and patts her shoulder] Maybe you don’t want anyone to know that you can’t read.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: You think she can’t read? This is an AP English class.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I am quiet because I’m stunned and embarrassed for you.

Students: Oh!

[Leslie enters]

Leslie: What the hell is going on here? Are you trying to touch a student?

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: I’m trying touch all these students. Wait!

Leslie: Man, get out of here.

[Cut to everybody]

Dale Sweez: I will get out and I’m taking my class with me. Follow me young scholars, to the field. Question everything.

[Dale Sweez walks out alone]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, that’s a hard pass.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: [yelling] And it still smells in here you little boogers!

Stranger Things

Ross Duffer… Mikey Day

Matt Duffer… Alex Moffat

Mike… Kyle Mooney

Dustin… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lucas… Sasheer Zamata

Mom… Leslie Jones

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Will’s mom… Melissa Villaseńor

Eleven… Kate McKinnon

Jim Hopper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Netflix: Behind The Scenes intro]

[Cut to Ross Duffer and Matt Duffer in their set]

Ross Duffer: Hi, we’re the Duffer brothers. Our show ‘Stranger Things’ was the show of the summer.

Matt Duffer: In next season, we’re solving some of the first season’s biggest mysteries.

Ross Duffer: Like, where is the upside down?

Matt Duffer: Is Barb coming back?

Ross Duffer: And where is that black kid’s family?

Matt Duffer: Yeah.

Ross Duffer: Yeah.

Matt Duffer: It was a little overside on our part.

Ross Duffer: Oops.

Matt Duffer: So to knit this one into the bug before the blogs come after us…

Ross Duffer: Here is a sneak peak at Stranger Things season two.

Matt Duffer: Whooo!

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]

[Cut to Mike, Dustin and Lucas on their bikes.]

Mike: Come on guys, this is the way to the upside down.

Dustin: Are you sure about this?

Mike: I don’t know. We gotta find Will.

Lucas: Yeah, Dustin, you’re such a baby.

Dustin: I’m not a baby. I’m just scared the monsters are gonna eat us.

Lucas: Whatever, I’m not scared of anything.

Woman’s voice: Lucas!

Lucas: Oh no. Oh god! It’s my parents.

[Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad walk in]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas! Where the hell have you been? We haven’t seen you in days.

Lucas’s dad: What makes you think you can be out this late? Kids in this town are getting snatched up by kidnappers.

[cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But it’s not kidnappers.

Mike: Yeah, it’s the demigorgan.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: A demi what?

Mike: It’s a monster and we’re looking for it.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas, I told you not to hang out with these little white kids.

Lucas: But we have to find the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: The what?

Lucas: It’s like the normal world but it’s scarier. And there’s danger at every turn.

Lucas’s mom: Baby, people who look like us already live in the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: Let me put it to you this way Lucas. You don’t have to go looking for scary stuff. It’s gonna find you.

Lucas: But Will’s in the upside down.

Lucas’s mom: Boy, I will beat your upside down.

Lucas: Okay. Yep, good point. Um, sorry guys. I’ve gotta go.

[Cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But Lucas?

Lucas’s mom: But nothing. You need to go home too. There needs to be a grown up with y’all.

Dustin: There is an adult, Will’s mom.

[Cut to Will’s mom, Mike and Dustin. Will’s mom is shaking and crying]

Will’s mom: [sobbing] It’s just that I– I wish I could– the lights. Oh, I don’t even know where I’m even supposed to start.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad looking worried]

Lucas’s dad: Oh, na, this lady has lost her damn mind. Come on here Lucas. We’re taking you home.

[as Lucas’s dad is trying to hold Lucas, his hand is stopped]

[weird sound]

What happened?

[Cut to Eleven standing beside Mike and Dustin]

Mike and Dustin: Eleven!

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Man, who is this little creepy wood dude.

Lucas: Mom, she’s a girl. She has special powers and her name is Eleven.

[Cut to Eleven. Her nose is bleeding.]

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Okay Eleven, I’m going to count to three and if you don’t let my husband go, I’m gonna take these five fingers across your scary ass. One… two…

[Eleven lets Lucas’s dad go.]

Mike: What happened? Did you lose your power?

Eleven: No, she really scared me.

[Jim Hopper walks in his police dress]

Jim: Oh, there you guys are.

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad. They are scared of Jim.]

Lucas’s dad: [shouting] Oh! Monster!

Lucas: Mom, dad, you don’t have to be scared. This is the police chief.

Lucas’s dad: We know.

[Cut to Dustin]

Dustin: It’s okay. He’s on our side.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Yeah, these are some of my [looking at Eleven] closest friends.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: I don’t like the way that sounds.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Anyway, I’m glad I found you. El, here’s your frozen eggos.

[Eleven eats eggos wildly]

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: Okay, let’s go. These white people crazy.

[Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad leave]

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]

Actress Round Table

Karen Domineau… Aidy Bryant

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Keira Knightley… Margot Robbie

Lupita Nyong’o… Sasheer Zamata

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with 2016 New York Film Festival: Women’s Round Table video bumper]

[Cut to five women sitting at a round table.]

Karen Domineau: Hello and welcome to the 2016 New York Film Festival Actress Round Table. Now, today our topic is women in Hollywood and Hollywood in women. Joining me are some of the industry’s leaders. To my left, Academy Award winner, Marion Cotillard.

Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Thank you.

Karen Domineau: Star of the imitation game, Keira Knightley.

Keira Knightley: Thank you. Actually, so great to be here supporting my fiml.

Karen Domineau: And her film ‘Queen of Katwe’ is in theatres now, Ms. Lupita Nyong’o.

Lupita Nyong’o: Thank you for having me.

Karen Domineau: And we are thrilled to have with us today, a Hollywood legend whose career spans eight decades. She has worked with Humphrey Bogart, Cecil B. DeMille and Alfred Hitchcock to name a few, the great Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: It’s a pleasure to be aiive.

Karen Domineau: Well, let’s get started now. As women, what are some of the unique challenged you’ve faced in your film careers.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard and Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: Well, the roles just aren’t there. I mean, everyone wants to cast you as the girlfriend, mother, beautiful girlfriend, beautiful mother.

[Cut to Lupita Nyong’o and 5]

Lupita Nyong’o: Exactly. Everyone asks, “What are you wearing?” But nobody asks, “What are you thinking?”

Debette Goldry: Yeah. Everyone who gives you drugs to wake you up, drugs to sleep.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: I’m sorry. What?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Well, um, back at MGM they’d give me opioid injections in my toes to keep my quiet between takes. And then, they have a little man run over to give me a shot of enfilmin to say my line. “Stop hitting me with that shovel, Clark Gable.” You know. And then, what? More opiuim. You girls tell me what it is.

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: No, we don’t. Is that it? The thing that happened?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Well, sweetheart, with opium, you never really know, do you?

[Cut to Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: Um, Debette brings up a good point. Though, have there been moments where you’ve felt you’ve been treated differently because you are a woman?

[Cut to Lupita Nyong’o and 5]

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh, of course. I’ve had so many meetings where the men hit on me. It’s so disgraceful.

Debette Goldry: Ah! I gotta agree with little Peter No-no over here. I once had an audition where the producer said, “Have sex with me and you’ll get the part.”

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh my god! What did you do?

Debette Goldry: I had sex with him and he gave me the part. It was a fair trade.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: Okay, um, let’s pivot a little. Right? Women in this industry are often not paid as much as the men. So, how have you managed to advocate for yourself financially?

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: I’m so glad you brought this up because yeah, I’m able to get 5 million now, but before I–

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: [interrupting] $5 million! Wow! Wow! No, then they used to pay me in broaches. They had it in my contract that I had to entertain our troops for free. And I went and I got over there, I found out it was for the other side. Long story short, I ended up flapping my toots for a bunch of crowds. But that’s Hollywood baby!

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: Wait, you, um, you stripped for Nazis?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: I did what I had to do to support our boys.

[Cut to everybody]

Marion Cotillard: I’m sorry, I would like to say something.

Karen Domineau: Okay. Thank god.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: It will pay for the actresses is part of the solution, but the main thing we need is more women writing the parts.

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Women writers? You’d have to teach them how to read. They actually tried to teach me how to read once by putting peanut butter in my mouth, and then they remembered that’s how you make it look like a horse is talking. So they gave the part to a horse.

[Cut to 5 and Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: I don’t even know where to begin responding to that.

Debette Goldry: [looking at Lupita Nyong’o] Well, to answer your question little Peter, I did wind up pregnant.

Karen Domineau: Okay, she didn’t ask that, neither did I.

Debette Goldry: And to cover it up, they force me to marry a chimp. I said to them, I don’t want that thing pumping around on top of me but turns out, okay, the chimp was homosexual. So, we lived a very peaceful life together. Best friends. But then, the little baboon ran off with my broaches. Man!

Karen Domineau: Okay! That’s all the time we have.

Debette Goldry: Wait, I know what that means. Alright, your crowds get to kick while they can.

[5 slowly opens her jacket.]

[The End]

Black Jeopardy Drake

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Kaylee… Sasheer Zamata

Jared… Drake

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to Darnell in his set]

Darnell: What up? What up? What up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that shares a studio with Tavin Smiley. I’m your host, Darnell Hayes. And our contestants  today are Amir…

[Cut to Amir.]

Amir: What up, bro, bro?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Kaylee…

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Hi.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Jared…

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Yeah, it’s actually really good to be her dog. You know, like I couldn’t take the TTC. What man’s made it over anyway, so I’m excited dog.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: What’s going on with your accent there, Jared?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh me? Well, I’m actually Canadian. I’m a Canadian. I’m from Toronto. But I’m ready. I came, I came to play. So let’s do this. All right.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Wait, you’re a black Canadian?

Jared: Obviously, dog. I mean like, yo, there’s thousands of us. I’m sure you’ve met a few of us before.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: [laughing] Nope. Never met one. Well, good luck to you. All right, let’s check out categories. We got [Cut to game screen] “If it’s Sunday”, “Oh, snap!”, “Bye Felicia!”, “Bruh…”, “In my house”, and as always, “White people”. Alright Amir, you’re all returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay. Let’s do “If it’s Sunday” for 200.

Darnell: All right. “If it’s Sunday, uncle Trey is going to be wearing this.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: What is this? A knee length easter suit

Darnell: Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. Long as hell. Long as hell, with a whole mess of buttons. Alright. Your pick, Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for 200.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap! Is that your hair?”

[buzzers sound]

Kaylee?

Kaylee: What is, “It’s mine cause I bought it!”

Darnell: Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. Show them the receipt, you know. Alright. The board is yours, Keely.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Okay, let’s stay with, “Oh snap!” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. I want to see his face when she finds him.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: Oh, who is Jay Z?

Darnell: Yeah. Right. I guess he got a hundred problems now. You pick, Amir.

Amir: Okay. [Cut to Amir] Cool, cool, cool. Let’s say with “Oh snap!” for 600.

Darnell: Okay. “Oh snap! This comedian was crazy in the 80s with his raw and delirious routines.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh, he’s hilarious. Dog. Who is Rick Maraniss?

Darnell: No! But, that’s a good try, Jared. Why don’t you try picking another category?

Jared: Alright the. Let’s go to “Bro” for 200.

Darnell: It’s “Bruh”. All right. The answer. “Bruh… He thought the best way to get that fame was to be a woman.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: Who is Caitlin Jenner?

Darnell: No. Have some respect for choice.

[buzzer sound]

Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Who is Tyler Perry?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: That’s it. I mean he did like eight movies in a house coat. Alright, the board is your’s, Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Let’s stay with “Bruh…” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Bruh… He’s been playing for a while now, but he’s still putting up big numbers.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: This is easy. Who’s my man? Jaromir Yawger yo!

[Cut to Darnell]

You say Yama say what now?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, dog! He’s a hockey player. The man won the Art Ross trophy four years in a row, fam.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: J-J-Jared! I don’t know you speaking English, but it ain’t my English. The actual answer was dirt. The biscuit.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, Darnell. Black people live all over the world. Gee. You can’t just put us all into one category like…

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Hey, maybe. So Jared, I’m going to go ahead and let you tell that to our American police. Let’s just hear about today. Francis Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy video bumper]

Male Voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive a month supply of topFoil. Your tupperware bowls don’t have lids? Put some top topfoil on. Stays secure for up to one day. And Oven Heat. Don’t drive up your electric bill. Use oven heat! The easy way to heat your home. Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah. Yeah. Use that oven heat. Alright, Jared. The board is still your’s.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh! Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for eight.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. His new album just dropped and it’s fire.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: I got this. Who is OFA?

Darnell: Excuse me?

Jared:  Come on, fam! He’s a rapper. He was nominated for a Juno award, G.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: You know it’s like it landed here on earth from a spaceship. No, good rap comes from Canada. Okay? What about Drake? Dog! Who are these people you keep mentioning? Jared, I think Canada is messing up with your blackness.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Why do I have to be your definition of black? Huh? You’re judging me before you even know? It’s making me so angry inside dog!

[right answer bell ringing]

Darnell: You just said the secret black phrase of the day, Jared! You win the game. Alright. [music playing] Oh! Well the sound of slow jam means it’s time to wrap it up. Tune in next week where we give away two tickets to the Sister-Sister reunion show.

[The End]

Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata On Use Of N Word

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Larry Wilmore hosted the White House Correspondence dinner last Saturday. He ended his speech by calling the president the N word which got a lot of people talking. Here to comment is our very own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in]

Sasheer Zamata: Hey. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Sasheer. So, what do you think about what Larry Wilmore said?

Sasheer Zamata: Well, here’s the thing. There were more white people upset than black people. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] And the white people are the reason why that word is bad. FOX News had white people condemning it who definitely say it off camera. I’m amazed this is the first time someone called him the N word on TV. People have called the president the N word online for years. Just look at the comment sections of videos of him playing basketball, or pardoning a turkey, or a cat video. Besides, you can make any word terrible. If the word McGriddle was linked to slavery, we’d feel differently about that too. And I don’t want to be the reason why the people are mad at us this week. So instead of saying the N word, I’ll use ‘McGriddle’.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, McGriddle? Don’t take that word away from me. Can I still say McGrida?

Sasheer Zamata: [yelling] No! Maybe, if you really want to.

Colin Jost: Thank you.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Now, I got called McGriddle once in my life, thankfully. I was walking down the street with a friend and this dirty pickup truck comes barreling down the road. And this man yells, “Y’all McGriddles need to get on a boat and take your black asses back to McDonald’s.”

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, McDonald’s is Africa?

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

I’m trying to make this analogy work. He had a confederate flag, vanity plate, truck nuts and a very red face. And I was like– He had all the things. It’s like he walked into a store and said, “I need to look as racist as I feel.” But he was old school racist. And at least he was upfront about it. That’s how I like my racists. Easily identifiable. These days people won’t publicly say the McG word but they’ll say thinly veiled words like thug, or ghetto, or athletic. I don’t know for– [pointing at the audience] Some people really liked that. [laughing] I don’t know if we’re ever gonna agree on the use of that word. I do know that word has a lot of history behind it. And if we ignore it, it feels like we’re ignoring the history.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

And I don’t like to ignore history.

Colin Jost: And so then, can we say it? Or…

Sasheer Zamata: It’s up to you, nigga!

Colin Jost: Back to you, Michael.

Sasheer Zamata: [laughing] Don’t be mad, it’s my birthday.

Colin Jost: Happy birthday. Sasheer Zamata, everyone.

Baby Shower

Claire… Leslie Jones

Heather… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Brie Larson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of moms having a baby shower]

All: Open it. Open it.

Brie: Aw, burp cloths with little duckies on them. Thank you so much for throwing me this baby shower, girls. I feel so welcome to the neighborhood.

Sasheer: Of course. So, when are you becoming a mom?

Brie: My due date is July 14.

Sasheer: Oh, no. That’s when you’re having a child. But when are you becoming a true mother? You know. When are you… [sowing her hair]

Brie: When am I what?

Heahter: She wants to know when you’re getting the cut, sweetie. [feeling her hair]

Brie: The cut?

All: Yes, the cut.

[Everyone except Brie has the same short haircut.]

Cecily: You know, the haircut that all moms have. Soft waterfall in the front but knives in the back.

Vanessa: The one that looks like your’e going to a formal event but on the way, you were stuck by lightning.

Claire: The scared dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Brie: I don’t think that look is for me.

Sasheer: That’s what we all thought. But then one day something will break inside of you and you’ll know it’s time to get the cut.

Brie: Well, what was it for you?

Sasheer: Well, I was getting ready to leave a wedding and then all of a sudden, I thought, “I need to take this centerpiece.” I can no longer leave a wedding without taking a centerpiece.

Brie: Was it the end of the reception?

Brie: No. I left early because I don’t like music but dammit, I took that centerpiece and then I knew, it was time for the cut.

Aidy: You know, but the cut finds you in different ways. Now for me, it was much more abrupt. I completely blacked out and I came to in the parking lot of Marshall’s Home Goods. And in my hands was a rustic sign that just said the single word, “Home.” Next day, I got the cut.

Cecily: You know now, for me it was when I bought a big glass urn. Huge. Takes up entire kitchen isle. And what did I put in it? One candle.

Brie: And when do you light it?

All: Never!

Brie: So you’re telling me there’s gonna be some sort of magical moment and suddenly I’m gonna want a haircut that’s curtains in the front, iron throne in the back?

Vanessa: No one wants the cut. The cut chooses you. For me, it happened when I stepped into my bathroom. I closed my eyes and heard the ocean. In that moment, I knew my bathroom must be an ocean. I need light houses. I need sea shells. I need soap in the shape of the flipflop.

Brie: Why do you need soap in the shape of a flipflop?

[everybody laughing]

Heahter: Silly girl, she seeks clarity only the cut can provide. But soon you will know many things. Like, bathrooms are oceans. But the kitchen is afar.

Sasheer: Yeah. A kitchen is watering cans, picket fences, a pig in a chef’s hat.

Claire: The cut is more powerful than you can ever imagine. My doctor told me I couldn’t get pregnant unless I have sex with my husband, which I never have, and never will. Instead, I just got the cut and I looked down and boom! I was 7 months pregnant.

Brie: [Folding a bag] There is no way that that could have happened.
Cecily: Really? Then ask yourself a question. Why are you folding that bag so carefully?

Brie: So I can save it for later because it’s just such a nice bag.

Sasheer: We know. We give them to each other. I got that bag from Claire.

Claire: And I got that bag from Heather.

Heahter: And I got it from Barbara. There are only seven bags in this entire county because of women like us. Women with good taste and foresight to save.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Hey, mom.

Aidy: Hi, sweetie.

Jon: Sorry to interrupt. I’m just gonna grab something to eat.

Brie: I’ll fix you a plate.

Jon: It’s alright. I’ll get it myself. Thanks though.

[Brie is shocked]

Brie: Fix you a plate? He’s not even my son. Yet, I didn’t trust him to put things on a plate and microwave it. I had to do it for him.

Heahter: The catch is upon us.

Brie: No. No, I will never be like you. I will never have a chunky highlight.

Aidy: What’s in motion cannot be undone. Soon you will have the cut. And all of your tank tops will sprout cap sleeves.

Cecily: Your quotes will be inspirational and your magnets, hilarious.

Sasheer: You will go to the beach but only shop…

All: The cat, the cat, the cat.

Sasheer: Welcome sister.

[Brie screaming. Now she has the short haircut too.]

Brie: Oh, my god! [feeling her shot hair] I love this. I love it. And you know what this room needs? A big bowl of fake fruits.

All: Oh, yeah.

Female voice: Happy Mother’s Day from SNL.

[The End]

Harkin Brothers Band

Sasheer Zamata

Fred Armisan

Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a band standing on a stage]

Sasheer: Hey, 38th community center. How y’all feeling tonight?

[audience whooping]

Alright, who likes early 70s style southern rock?

[silence]

Anyone? No? Well, we already paid for this. So please welcome the Harkin Brothers.

[The band has a lot of members.]

Fred: How y’all doing? We’re the Harkin Brothers band and who here is from Arkansas? Nobody? Any of you kids been there? Well, here’s a song about it. Two, three, four.

[band playing music]

[singing] Frogs are jumping upon to the lily pads
eaten plates of honey ham all day
commute in the air tiring to a swimming hole
Arkansas is calling out my name
hot, hot, summer time

Maya: Nothing like a nap in a burned out pickup truck
fireflies they’re riding to my mouth

Fred and Maya: Running barefoot on the pile of rocks and stones

Then I see…

All: Henrietta, Henrietta 

Fred: Get up here.
Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

All: Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Who Works Here?

Catherine Maeks… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Donald… Taran Killam

Debra… Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kevin… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

[Starts with ‘Who Works Here?’ intro]

Male voice: And now live from the CVS on 14th and first, it’s America’s newest game show ‘Who Works Here?’ with your host Catherine.

[Catherine walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Catherine: Hello. Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Who Works Here?’ where contestants have to examine the people wandering this CVS and determine who the hell works here. Now normally, this is when we get to know our contestants but I met them back stage and I gotta say they’re unbelievably dull

[The contestants are smiling and nodding their heads]

So, let’s get started. Jessica you’re up first. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Cecily looking around in the store. She has a blue shirt and a blue hat on.]

Jessica: Hah, well she looks like an employee. [calling Cecily] Excuse me. [Cecily is pretending she can’t hear] Excuse me? [Cecily looks at Jessica angrily] Excuse me ma’am.

Cecily: Ma’am?

Jessica: Sorry. Miss, do you know what isle the hand soap is on?

[Cecily pretends as she didn’t hear her]

Okay, I’m gonna say she does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, I’m so sorry. She’s actually the Assistant Manager but she is on break. And she chooses to spend her break standing motionless in the center of CVS. Donald, you’re up. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Aidy. She is wearing the blue shirt and has a yellow patch on it. She is throwing stuffs around.]

Donald: Well, let’s see. She is actively destroying the store which seems like a bad thing for an employee to do. But she is wearing a button that says ‘Ask me for help. I work here.’ Um, I’m not buying it. She does not work here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Hey, correct. She does not work here. She’s just a local vagrant that parades around the store once a day while our security guard takes his usual 40 minute bathroom break. Nice work Donald.

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Well, I know my way around this CVS Catherine.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: What does that mean?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Just– j– It has isles.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: See? Dull. Debra, it’s your turn. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Kevin walking around in casual outfit with two gallons]

Kevin: I work here. I work here. I work here. I work here.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Well, he keeps saying ‘I work here’. I’m gonna stick with my gut and say that he does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, that was a tough one. But he actually does work here… as a prostitute. I admit that one was very tricky one. Thanks Kevin.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I don’t work here. Wheee!

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: And now, we move on to our lighting round.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: I’m sorry. Do you mean lightning?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: No. Lighting. We just flick the lights on and off a bunch and see what kind of weirdos emerge from the back of the store. And you tell us who works here. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Okay, that guy!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Pete.]

That guy gave me my prescription at the pharmacy but somehow, I don’t think he works here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: That’s exactly right. He just showed up and started passing out drugs and no one ever questioned it. Alright, here we go, round two and go.

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: And him!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kenan. He is wearing security uniform.]

That’s the security guard. He used the bathroom for 40 minutes.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, so close. But that’s actually a security guard from Right Aid who just comes in to use our bathroom.

[As Kenan puts the magazine back on the shelf, we can see toilet tissues hanging behind him on his pants.]

And he’s putting the magazine back on the shelf. That’s great. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: Okay, her!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kate.]

[Cut to Jessica]

There is no way she works here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, she is actually our Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You said that the first woman was the Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Well, everyone at CVS is at least an Assistant Manager. But interesting side note, she is dead. Died in the store 90 years ago.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You know, I saw a show about ghost once.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Wow, great story Jessica. And now, there’s only one person left. [Cut to Leslie. She’s wearing a black suit.] And maybe this will help.

[music playing]

[Leslie starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Hmm. I guess I’m gonna say she works here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, you’re darn right she does, Donald. She’s actually a full Manager. So technically, all she is to do is dance. And you should dance too Donald because you’re our big winner.

[Cut to Donald dancing]

Donald: Oh, my god! What did I win?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. Thanks for playing.

[The End]

Huge Jewelry

Gabriel Balinia… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Dana Balania Zonurela… Kate McKinnon

Audrina… Cecily Strong

Valencia… Aidy Bryant

Risabella… Vanessa Bayer

Gatzora… Sasheer Zamata

Antony… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Gabriel and Dana]

Gabriel: Hello, my name is Gabriel Balinia.

Dana: And I’m Dana Balania Zonurela.

Gabriel: Here in Long Island, the only thing as big as our dreams is our family.

Dana: And our god given breasts.

[laughing]

Gabriel: But more than that, our jewelry. That’s why we are the proud sister owners of Long Island zone ‘Huge Jewelry.’

Dana: Located in a beautiful strip mole of a Jergo Turn.

Gabriel: You know, Huge Jewelry.

Dana: Do you want people to notice you but don’t care if it’s good or bad?

Gabriel: Honestly, why wear jewelry unless you can see it from space?

Dana: Right?

Gabriel: Case in point, this exquisite destiny three piece modeled my my beautiful daughter, Audrina.

[Audrina walks in with her neck and cleavage covered with jewelry]

Oh, come on! Isn’t this piece of jewelry huge? And Huge as same as good. Audrina, how do you feel in that gorgeous piece of jewelry?

Audrina: It’s crushing my windpipe.

Dana: Gabriel, I gotta say it’s absolutely gorgeous.

Gabriel: Yeah.

Dana: Gorgeous girl. That body.

Gabriel: Oh, my daughter? Gorgeous body, gorgeous girl with bang.

Dana: I bet she gets spanked all the time.

Gabriel: Well, enjoy it well at last because–

Dana: Because it’s just like they say…

Gabriel and Dana: When the body goes, the jewelry grows.

Gabriel: Audrina, why don’t you tell the viewers at home a little bit about yourself?

Audrina: My name is Audrina. I am DanaGabriel. My dream is to be a doctor or I get paid to stay next to cars. My dad!

Gabriel: Yeah, good job honey. I’ll see you at home, I’m making stuff shells.

[Audrina leaves]

You like the dress by the way, oh my god! I bought it three AM on my iPad while I waited for my back medication to kick in.

Dana: Oh, how is your back?

Gabriel: Oh, it’s bad. But doctor says it’s because of my Huger Jewelry, but I think it’s stress.

Dana: It’s definitely stress. You do too much. And speaking of too much, look at this exquisite pendant earring from Fabina Marcos and God Sons.

[Valencia walks in wearing large earrings]

Modeled by my beautiful daughter, Valencia.

Gabriel: Valencia is wearing a full J drop earring complete with a patted in bologna earring shoulder brace.

Dana: Boring earrings hang from the ear. Huge earrings are elevated by the shoulder.

Valencia: Yeah. Because otherwise the earrings will rip your earlobes straight off.

Dana: Valencia!

Valencia: What? I should know. It happened to me. Didn’t have these shoulders do my gigs and my ear ripped right through.

Dana: The doctor glued it back together. What’s the big deal? Earlobes are like your liver. You don’t need it.

Valencia: Alright, am I done? Can I go out please?

Dana: Yes. I’m so proud of you. I love you.

[Valencia leaves]

Gabriel: Oh my god! Gorgeous. She’s absolutely breathtaking. Well, our next look is my absolute favorite Huge Jewelry. It’s the Faviana Kate Collection.

Dana: Oh! Modeled by my Gatzora Katziana.

Gabriel: And my niece, Risabella.

[Risabella and Gatzora walk in wearing a necklaces having large football size pearls hanging on them. Risabella is wearing it hanging in the front and Gatzora is wearing it hanging at the back.]

Risabella: Two ways.

Gatzora: One huge piece of jewelry.

Gabriel: You can rock the pearl in the front.

Dana: Or let your pearl just hang out in the back.

Gabriel: Come on! don’t they look gorgeous? And the necklaces are only $12, how do we do that?

Dana: They’re filled with dirt.

Gabriel: Great job girls. Now you can go.

Dana: Go!

[Risabella and Gatzora leave]

Gabriel: So come on down to Huge Jewelry and also, we do men. So, please welcome my god nephew Antony Marcos Prince Mortadella.

[Antony walks in wearing a chained board that has his name written on it]

Antony: Customizable jewelry! Also, you can put whatever you want on it.

Gabriel: I mean, when did you get so hot?

Dana: I know. He used to have pimples [showing different parts of her body] here, here, here.

Gabriel: Yeah. Well no. Not anymore. Is that necklace heavy for you Antony?

Antony: Nah! Nah, I’m pretty much jacked to the max.

Gabriel: Antony, when did you get so hot?

Antony: Last May.

Gabriel and Dana: Aw!

Male voice:H uge Jewelry in Massapequa, Long Island.