Tag: season 48

Weekend Update Congressional Candidate Stars in Own Sex Tape MethFilled Pumpkins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response, the executive countersued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Itkis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Manhattan congressional candidate Mike Itkis started in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. You know what? I’m gonna vote for him. Because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions.

[Picture changes to a calendar marked on 13th October]

Thursday was national no bra day, which is celebrated by not supporting women. It’s a bra joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mushrooms and United airlines at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in flight snack.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and its certificate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pebbles, who was the world’s oldest living dog has died at the age of 22. But it’s okay, his owners knew this was coming if they didn’t keep them off my yard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of kids riding bikes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some parents in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they’re calling a bike bus, and pedophiles are calling a buffet.

[Picture changes to a gray whale]

Researchers say the number of gray whales of Western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a chess board and NFL logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A growing number of NFL players are filling up their off time by playing chess with each other. And also, let’s see here, domestic violence. That’s how they’re spending their time, Colin.

[Cut to . There’s a picture of contact lenses container at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know, you messed up when your doctor is like, “Hey, can I film this?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Benefits of colonoscopies overestimated” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new studies suggest that the benefits of preventative colonoscopy is may be overestimated, but the pleasures are undeniable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of packed meths at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left. [Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin with bad teeth]

We Got Brought

Phil… Bowen Yang

Heather… Ego Nwodim

Megan Thee Stallion

[Music video starts]

[music playing]

Phil: [rapping] My friend is going out and I’m tagging along

She’s gonna see some pals she hasn’t seen in so long

Heather: [rapping] It’s my boyfriend’s friend’s birthday and I was free

Will I know people there? He said…

Heather’s boyfriend: You’ll know me.

Megan: My sister’s meeting friends. She said…

Megan’s Sister: You’ll love ’em, I think.

Megan: I said, “I don’t love strangers, but I do like to drink.”

Alexis: Everybody, this is Phil

Phil: Hey, I’m friends with Alexis

Megan’s sister: Guys, this is my sister

Megan: I flew in from Texas

Heather’s boyfriend: And I finally brought my girlfriend

Heather: That’s me, I’m Heather Where did you three meet?

Alexis, Heather’s boyfriend and Megan’s sister: We grew up together!

Phil: Aw, they leave us at the table and they go do a shot

Heather: They ask if we’ll save their seats

Megan: We say, “Sure, why not?”

Phil: But now we’re three strangers that our friends forgot

Megan: Oh-oh

Heather: Uh-oh

Phil: Uh-oh

[Hook]

We got brought
And we don’t know each other
We got brought
So we all have to suffer

We’re all plus-ones just nodding a lot
And we all wanna leave, but it’s only 8 o’clock
We got brought

Megan: It’s hell on earth, but we try to push through
I ask, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: And I ask, “What do you do?”

Phil: And I couldn’t think of a single other question
So I also asked, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: We already covered that.

Phil: Does anyone have another question?

Megan: Okay, so what’s y’all’s trauma?

I make my escape and say I’m going to the bathroom
But this crazy bitch says…

Heather: Oh, I’ll go with you.

Megan: No, you won’t!

Phil: Is she leaving? Nice meeting you.

Now we’re waiting at the bar and no one’s coming by
And if there’s one second of silence then we’ll both die
So I reach into the depths of what I know
And I say, “Did you know there’s only been 25 deaths
at DIsneyland since 1955?”
And she says…

Heather: Only?

Phil: I say, “Never mind.”

I ask, “What neighborhood is your apartment in?”
She says…

Heather: Brooklyn.

Phil: And I say, “Oh, whereabouts in Brooklyn?”
And without skipping a beat she says…

Heather: Oh, the safe part.

Phil: Which was shocking, so I panicked,

and all I could say was…

“Oh good, I love the safe part.”

Heather: Wait, no. I said the south part.

Phil: No!

We got brought!

Megan: Your mutual ones are gone! Your mutual ones are missing!
You’re wandering in a dance club while your friends are reminiscing.

Phil: Where are our friends? Where have they gone?
Why would they bring us here and leave us so long?

Megan: You’re all out of topics and the conversation’s lazy
So you just keep on saying, “That’s crazy.”

That’s crazy

Oh really? That’s crazy
So crazy. That’s crazy
No way, that’s crazy
Wow! Crazy!

Phil: That’s crazy

Heather: So crazy

Phil: Well, it’s nice to meet you. It’s getting late.

Heather: It’s 8:05.

Phil: [screaming] I don’t want to be here anymore!

Heather, Phil and Megan: We got brought!

Please Don’t Destroy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy in their office looking exhausted]

Ben: Man I haven’t been feeling good lately. Just like healthy healthy.

John: Totally. I’ve been feeling Fuego.

Martin: Looking Fuego too.

Ben: It’s so important as we get older that we start taking care of ourselves. You know what I mean? Like, wellness.

John: Wellness. Oh my god. It’s so important.

Ben: My big thing I’m trying to crack right now is my screen time. Right now, I’m up to 23 and a half hours a day.

Martin: You got to do better.

Ben: That’s not great.

John: I’ve been trying to get in shape. Have you guys heard of intermittent fasting?

Ben: Yeah. Are you doing that?

John: No, I’m doing intermittent sleeping. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, I’m not sleeping.

Ben: Is it working?

John: Not yet.

Ben: Okay, cool. Mark, how about you?

Martin: Oh, well, I got this new post workout smoothie I’ve been loving.

Ben: Oh, smoothies time what’s in it?

Martin: Just like milk, ice cream, chocolate sauce.

John: Oh, a milkshake.

Martin: A milkshake, yes. Why? What did I say?

Ben: We’re doing so well.

Martin: So good.

John: The best.

Ben: And I’m feeling kind of miserable.

Martin: So miserable.

John: The worst. Oh, guys. I’m on a new medication.

Ben: That’s great, buddy.

John: It’s like Zoloft, but just the side effects. So very depressed, but my penis is broken.

Ben: That sucks.

Martin: And I just signed up for a new gym.

Ben: Which one you go with?

Martin: This is gonna sound kind of weird, but it’s called Cigarette Fitness.

Ben: Oh my god. So it’s a smoking gym?

Martin: A smoking gym. That’s right.

Ben: Dude, did you know you can delete money from your bank account? Bing. I’ve been mad into that.

Martin: God, we are doing so well right now.

Ben: Totally, we’re slipping away.

John: Ever since a pandemic, the light just keeps getting dimmer.

Martin: Dimmer, yeah.

Ben: Dating, yeah.

Martin: I’ve forgotten how to dance.

Ben: Oh, remember dancing?It was like… I don’t know why we ever did that.

Martin: Oh, I’ve been seeing a therapist.

Ben: Really?

Martin: Yeah, like all over the place. I don’t think she’s really there.

Ben: Oh, like a hallucination.

[Martin is seeing a woman waving at him standing behind Ben]

I’m trying to kick all my bad habits man. I mean, I gotta stop grinding my teeth.

[Ben shows his teeth. It looks horrible]

Is it bad?

John: Yes. You look like Gollum.

Martin: God, I just need a day where I go to the park, take off all my clothes and start screaming about how there’s too many wires in the world.

Ben: One day is all we ask.

All: Just one day.

[Cut to Wellness commercial video]

Female voice: Wellness, brought to you by Oral B mouthguards.

Megan Thee Stallion Monologue

Megan Thee Stallion

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Megan Thee Stallion.

[Megan Thee Stallion walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Megan Thee Stallion: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here. Most of y’all know me as Megan Thee Stallion. But if you know me, then you know I go by more than one name. Let’s see, we got Tina Snow, the Hot Girl Coach, the Ace Town Hottie, and if you are one of my many, many haters, I’m probably “That bitch”. But that’s okay because even my haters aren’t entirely wrong because I am simply that bitch. So I know everyone is used to seeing me twerk, the rest of my hood rap friends, and flat out being one of the Hottest MCs in the Game right now, period. But that’s much more to me that meets the eye. For example, I’m a really good actress. I don’t want to blow my own horn or nothing, but I think I do a pretty good British accent. Alright, check this out. Put me in Britain, bitch. Thank you.

I also got my college degree last year from Texas Southern University. [cheers and applause] Finishing college while pursuing a rap career is not easy. And I did that while putting out song after song and going on the world tour. So now, I can go by another name, making the bitch that need some sleep. I got my degree in Health Administration because I have always wanted to help the people in my community. I believe that it’s important to have a sharp mind and a sharp body-yadi-yadi-yadi. That’s why I launched my website that provides access to resources for those who are struggling with a mental health, badbitcheshavebaddaystoo.com. That’s a real website. I can’t believe the domain wasn’t already taken. It’s supposed to be called hot girl bummer, but somebody stole it. You know who you are. But look, before the show starts. It’s something I’ve really been wanting to say. I’ve had some wins and I’ve had some losses. And I always get more wins. But I do pride myself on being an open book. So with that being said, I would like to address a certain incident that I’m sure it’s on everybody’s mind. No, I don’t know why Popeyes took the hottie sauce off the menu. And if you want the sauce back, you’re gonna take that on with the Popeyes lady, not me, okay? But seriously, I really do want to thank my fans, aka, the hotties. Y’all mean the world to me. Without y’all there’d be no hot girl sauce. We have a great show here for you tonight. I’m here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Jan 6th Final Hearing Cold Open

Bennie Thompson… Kenan Thompson

Adam Schiff… Michael Longfellow

Mr. Kinzinger… Andrew Dismukes

Liz Cheney… Heidi Gardner

Jamie Raskin… Mikey Day

Nancy Pelosi… Chloe Fineman

Chuck Schumer… Sarah Sherman

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN. Can you believe it stands for cocker spaniel? We’re now return to the closing statements of the January 6th committee to investigate the attack on our nation’s capital.

[Cut to the House Select Committee’s hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Bennie Thompson: Alright. The House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. The January 6 was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation’s history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a PowerPoint.

Adam Schiff: I made mine with Google Slides.

Bennie Thompson: We’ve been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year. But today’s session is going to be a little different. We’re going to summarize our findings, hold a history making vote and then, and only then [pulls out a plate of desserts] we all get to have a little treat.

Mr. Kinzinger:

Oh, come on. Can I have one cupcake now?

Bennie Thompson: No, no, no, no. It’s evidence, then a vote., then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend. Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney: Thank you, Benny. Over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. Whether you’re a Republican who’s not watching or a Democrat who’s not in so hard, your head is falling off. One person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump. And one person will suffer the consequences, me. You might be wondering what makes me so tough? And I asked you, who is your dad? Is it Dick Cheney? You might wonder how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I’d say when you were little, who tucked you in at night? Was it Dick Cheney? I’ve been asked how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I asked back, for your 10th birthday, did you eat pizza at Chucky Cheese with all your friends? Or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you very much gentle lady from Wyoming. The Chair now recognizes the gentleman from California, and maybe the horror movie Smile. [Adam Schiff is smiling creepily] Actually, no, no, no, we’re gonna skip him. Too spooking. All right. The chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Jamie Raskin: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Leading up to January 6, the FBI scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like “Who wants to burn DC to the ground?” “Anyone got room in their car for me, 10 rifles, and 30 snakes?” “Where do we park?” “Is their shuttle from La Quinta Inn to coup?” And “Am I at wrong Washington? I see Space Needle.” Yet again, President Trump didn’t raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone]

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Pelosi. What is happening over there? Why can’t we get back to the capitol and resume the vote?

[Chuck Schumer is sitting beside Nancy Pelosi, talking on the phone]

Chuck Schumer: Hello, DoorDash. It’s Chuck Schumer? Yes, we still haven’t received any of our lunch order. And yes, I did change the drop off location due to some unfortunate treason. But it still should have arrived by now.

Nancy Pelosi: The President is doing nothing? This is completely unacceptable.

Chuck Schumer: My order, 12 dill pickles still floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustard. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Cut back to Jamie Raskin]

Jamie Raskin: And it continues for hours from there.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you, Mr. Raskin. The Chair now recognizes the tenderoni from Illinois.

Mr. Kinzinger: Thank you, Mr. Chair. I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. Everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone “Did I lose the election?” And Pat said, “Yes.” He then asked Ivanka, “Did I really lose the election?” She said, “Yes.” He then tried to janitor, “Hey, you don’t think I lost, do you?” The janitor responded, “I do.” Then the President turned to a dog and said, “What about you? Did I win?” And the dog legit shook its head side to side, then barked a perfect human “No.” Donald was desperate to hang on to power. Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country.

[Cut to video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, it’s Pelosi again.

Chuck Schumer: Tell him I’m here too.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump? What is he doing this stop this?

Chuck Schumer: And Hi, Mike. It’s Chuck Schumer. I’m here as well.

Nancy Pelosi: Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Right in the face. I’ll go to jail, but I’ll be happy.

Chuck Schumer: And let me tell you if Trump comes I’m gonna let him punch me in the face. I’ll go to the hospital, free soup.

Bennie Thompson: Yeah, not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Miss Cheney, any final thoughts?

Liz Cheney: The fact is Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the president the day before the election,

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You know the votes don’t matter. I’ve always said that that the votes don’t matter at all. Because what even is a vote? It’s just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat a guy shakes it around. And I’m gonna say it by the way, he had a great hat, didn’t he? It was very tall. He borrowed it from Apollo Creed who is a very close friend of mine. We talk on the phone every day. Our wives their friends. He should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago and then he gets whacked in the head and boom, where’s the Obamacare? So now, we don’t vote. We don’t vote. [door knocking] It’s open. [someone brings him a can of coke] Thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet?

Bennie Thompson: All right. I think we’ve seen quite enough. Let us now take a vote. Should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee?

Liz Cheney: Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. He will testify.

Jamie Raskin: That’s right. He will get on a plane and leave Florida where he is beloved. And he will fly to Washington where he is hated. And he will answer my questions. Questions like, “Hey, who do you think you are, mister?”

Mr. Kinzinger: Trump is 100% coming and this time he will be held accountable? Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s and the early 2020s. But that ends now with us because I’m [looks at his table name plate] Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority.

Bennie Thompson: All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee.

Jamie Raskin: Ain’t no problem. My calendar was empty.

Liz Cheney: I do have a couple of regrets.

Bennie Thompson: America, I don’t know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo poo.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: There is poopoo. There is poopoo on the walls of the Capitol.

Chuck Schumer: What’s that?

Nancy Pelosi: I said they are smearing poopoo  onthe walls with poopoo.

Chuck Schumer: Oh, poop poop. See? That’s what happens with too much mustard.

Bennie Thompson: All right. Well, we tried. It was a fun country while it lasted.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Hot Girl Hospital

Megan Thee Stallion

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Punkie Johnson

Marcello Hernandez

James Austin Johnson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro clips]

Male voice: This fall, a new medical drama for our times, it’s Hot Girl Hospital.

[Nurse pushes Heidi into the hospital on a hospital bed]

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m right here. You are in good hands.

Doctor:  What’s her status?

Nurse: 46, Female, mad as hell. She ain’t given what a game.

Doctor: Oh my god. And the fit?

Nurse: Trash.

Doctor: I need a BBM stat. 6 cc’s of Tommy T and whatever fashion nova we got.

Heidi: What’s a BBL? Just let my basic ass die.

Nurse: No, ma’am. You’re gonna be a bad bitch real soon.

Male voice: From Shonda Rhimes, and the top commenters on the shade room.s Instagram, it’s Hot Girl Hospital. The story of three everyday heroes blowing up their community, one dusty chick at a time.

Punkie: Oh girl, I gotta work on double tonight.

Nurse: Girl, I know. and I got a Weebo plasty followed by emergency twerk exam? This job, I swear to god.

Doctor: Hold up. Who that?

[4 and 5 are panicking]

Marcello: My friend, my friend. He’s been in an accident.

James: I don’t wanna die.

Nurse: Uh-uh.

Heidi: He is bleeding.

Nurse: We don’t do all that here. Leave.

Punkie: You can go, sir.

Male voice: When life is on the line, these are the three women who will answer the call, say something rude, then hang up.

Charlie: Hey, I’m Charlie, New York Presbyterian cardiology.

Nurse: Okay. But we don’t do that here. We do wigs, butts and clothes. If you want something else, you’re more than welcome to look around.

Charlie: Okay, so what kind of hospital is this then?

Nurse: Okay, so boom. Draymond Green got in trouble for punching his teammate, right? And NBA had made him do community service. So basically, he flew out a bunch of IG baddies, and put up in a building with some wheelchairs, he called it a hospital.

Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.

Male voice: The New York Times calls it somehow empowering and regressive at the same time. And Variety says, I don’t feel comfortable reviewing this as a white guy. Five stars.

Chloe: I need to speak to Dr. Simmons. It’s an emergency.

Punkie: I ain’t talking to know Dr. Simmons right now because she fake.

Chloe: What? Can I just see a doctor please?

Punkie: I mean, you can see her. But I’m not going to get her. Nurse, where’s Janelle?

[Nurse is taking pictures of her butt]

Nurse: Huh? I ain’t talking to her. She fake. She got a little white coat, she thinks she’s better than everybody.

Chloe: Okay. Can you just page her place?

Nurse: Imagine. Imagine me saying page in Dr. Simmons. Couldn’t be me.

Punkie: Couldn’t be me.

Male voice: All of the drama. None of the appropriate response because at the Hot Girl Hospital, help ain’t on the way.

Devon: Please help. My wife’s water broke.

[Sarah screaming]

Punkie: Oh no. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Devon, is that you, Devon?

Doctor: Hold up. Hold up. Devon who be in our DMs every day?

Devon: Oh snap. What’s up?

Sarah: Do you know them?

Devon: No, baby. I’ve never seen them before in my life.

Nurse: You think you sleek? Coming in here with your white white? Talking about her water broke.

Doctor: Boy, get your lying ass on.

Nurse: Good luck to their baby. Her daddy went Aubert’s.

Male voice: And on a very special season finale.

Michael: Where’s my wife? Is she okay?

Punkie: Oh, she wasn’t okay, baby. She bad. Girl, come on out, girl.

[Heidi walks out with make up on, long hair, wearing pink revealing dress.]

Heidi: It’s giving. Thank you.

Nurse: Yeah!

Doctor: I’m proud, bitch.

Punkie: You better work it, bitch.

Male voice: Hot Girl Hospital, coming this hot girl fall.

Nurse, Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.

Girl Talk

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Monique… Ego Nwodim

Stacy… Megan Thee Stallion

Kim… Punkie Johnson

Paul… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Willie introducing the show]

Willie: Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show where the tea is hot and the bras are off. It’s time for Girl Talk.

[Monique walks in to the show set]

Monique: Hello. I’m your host Monique Money Monique Problems. And this is girl talk. The talk show where ladies tell me their problems and I keep my advice real simple. I’m like a wise old grandma except I still look good. Ha-ha-ha. Y’all want to know my measurements? Nah, not, maybe. And as always, we got Willie in the DJ booth. How you doing DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh man, I love life. I got two girlfriends. They know about each other and they both cool with it. I’m strong and I’m happy.

Monique: Okay, good for you. DJ Willie. Thank you.

Willie: Ay, thank you.

Monique: All right, let’s get started with our first guest. Please welcome Stacey.

[Stacy walks in]

Hi. How are you doing?

Stacy: Hi, Monique.

Monique: Hi Stacey. So talk to me. What’s going on with you?

Stacy: Okay, well, here’s my problem. My boyfriend of four years just asked me to move in with him. But I’ve recently caught him cheating. What should I do?

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: You’re right. When you put it like that, I need save my coins and break up his ass.

Monique: Um-hmm. There she is y’all. Come on, give it up for Stacey. I saved another life today, y’all. Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our next guest. Please welcome Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Nice to meet you.

Monique: Okay, hi Kim. What’s going on with you?

Kim: Oh my god, it’s just everything that’s going on with the world is stressing me out. My anxiety is through the roof.

Monique: Umm. You know, this sounds like it’s about to be complex. So why don’t we get our subtitles off for any white people or men tuning in. Go ahead Kim.

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Don’t get me started.]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Pop off!]

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: First off…] Girl… [Subtitle reads: What’s going on with the situation in Ukraine?]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads:I know: How did it come to this?]

Stacey: Girl… [Subtitle reads: I’m not an expert, but…] Girl la… Girl… [Subtitle reads a long paragraph of over Stacy00 words]

Kim: Girl!

Monique: Okay, good boss. Stacy knows her stuff. Does she knows stuff or what? I will be honest, that just got a little too real for me. So why don’t you pick us back up DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh, man. I love my life. You know? My clothes are awesome. I got a cool car. I wake up laughing every morning. Because my life is better than my dreams.

Monique: Alright. Thank you DJ Willie.

Willie: Man, thank you!

Monique: Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our final guests. Paul, come on out.

[Paul walks in]

So Paul, what’s up? Why are you here?

Paul: Well, I thought anyone could come on.

Monique: They can.

Paul: Okay, so my issue is this. I’ve got a great job, but I’m worried if I don’t quit now. I’ll never pursue my real passion drawing. What should I do?

Monique:  Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Okay, so quit my job?

Monique: Okay, you know what? You’re not getting it. Stacy, you’re the one with the boyfriend, right? So why don’t you help us out? Yeah.

Stacey: I got this. Bro…

Paul: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I should quit drawing because I’m not really good at it.

Monique: Um-hmm. There we go. Boom. Third life saved, y’all.

Paul: Wow. And you’re the best. So I guess instead of saying thank you, I’ll take a page out of your book and say girl!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Monique: No, you’re not doing that. No way.

Stacey: You know where to go.

Monique: Alright, that’s our show. Play my song DJ Willie

Deer

Mr. Reynolds… Kenan Thompson

Megan Thee Stallion

Molly Kearney

Devon Walker

James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Mr. Reynolds visiting his daughter’s country house. There’s Megan, Devon and their friends.]

Mr. Reynolds: My goodness, my goodness. I can’t believe my daughter lives in this beautiful house.

Molly: It really is so cozy.

Megan: Thanks everybody. I know it’s remote, but we love it.

Devon: And the schools are great, you know, if you decide to have kids one day.

Mr. Reynolds: One day? You need them now.

Megan: Dad Stop.

Mr. Reynolds: Well, I will not stop. I will never stop on that.

James: Well you guys, look out the window. There’s a deer in your woods.

Megan: Oh really? A deer? Where is it?

James: It’s right there by that pine tree.

[everybody goes to the window to have a look]

Molly: Oh, right. Cute.

Mr. Reynolds: Where is it? I don’t see it.

Devon:  It’s right by the pine tree, dad, look.

Megan: Awww. He a big one. Or is it a girl deer because it don’t have horns.

Mr. Reynolds: Where’s this deer you’re talking about?

Molly: It’s by the pine tree, Mr. Reynolds.

Mr. Reynolds: I know what it’s by. But where’s that?

Megan: It’s right there, dad. Do you see the two rocks?

Mr. Reynolds: I thought I was looking for a deer. Now I got to find rocks.

Molly: There’s two big round rocks, Mr. Reynolds.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay. Don’t yell at me. Just show me where the deer is that.

Megan: Do you see where I’m pointing?

Mr. Reynolds: Yes. At rocks.

Megan: Dad, bring your eyes by my hand and follow the arc of the point.

Mr. Reynolds: You know what? Nevermind. I don’t need to see it.

Megan: Dad just follow the arc of my point with your eyes to the deer.

Mr. Reynolds: I said it’s okay. I don’t really care.

Megan: But it’s right there. Just make your eyes go in line with the angle of my point.

Mr. Reynolds: [yelling] I said forget it. I don’t need to see no deer. Deers are boring anyway.

James: Oh my god. There’s a bunny riding on the back of the deer.

Mr. Reynolds: Oh now what? Where’s that happening now?

[There’s really a bunny on a deer’s back]

Devon: Aww, and the bunny has a tail.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay, and if I wanted to see that, where exactly would I look?

Devon: It’s walking straight towards us. See? Look.

Megan: Dad. Imagine a laser coming from my finger.

Mr. Reynolds: What?

Megan: Do you see the third clouds on the side of the sky?

Mr. Reynolds: The side of the sky?

James: It’s right there at 12 o’clock.

Mr. Reynolds: Was that east coast time or the west coast time?

Molly: There’s no difference.

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, just shut up.

Devon: The deers right there. You have to see it.

Mr. Reynolds:  Yeah, but I don’t and I don’t want to. Shoot. I think you’re making all this up.

Megan: Alright, daddy. It’s okay. Let’s just talk about something else.

James: Yeah, it’s not that great of a deer anyway.

Molly: Oh my god, it’s at the window, Mr. Reynolds. Look.

[It’s jus behind Mr. Reynolds, peeking in through the window.]

Mr. Reynolds: I will not. I have lost all interest in the deer.

Megan: But it’s right there waving at us.

[The deer is actually waving at them]

Mr. Reynolds: I don’t care is doing the Macarena.

James: For the love of God, just turn around and you’ll see it.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay fine. But it better be there.

[as Mr. Reynolds turns around, the deer ducks and hides]

You know, I’m gonna burn this whole house down.

Molly: It was right there. It just ducked down somewhere.

Mr. Reynolds: Yeah, y’all messing with me. Just like when you pulled my pants down at the Yankee game.

Devon: I didn’t pull your pants down. They were loose, they fell on their own.

Mr. Reynolds: Yeah, whatever. everybody always messing with me.

James: Oh my god.

[Megan looks around and jumps away being scared.]

Megan: Oh my god, daddy. The deer’s in the house.

[The deer is just behind the couch that Mr. Reynolds’s sitting on]

Mr. Reynolds: I don’t want to hear about no deer.

James: It’s right behind you.

Mr. Reynolds: Hue? Who is Hue?

Megan: Not Hue. You.

Mr. Reynolds: Will ya’ll please stop messing with me?

Molly: Mr. Reynolds, it’s got a knife.

Mr. Reynolds: What? [Mr. Reynolds looks around. The deer is really holding a knife. Mr. Reynolds being shocked, punches the deer down.]

Megan: Oh my god, daddy, you saved us.

Mr. Reynolds: That’s right. Pack your bags, girl. You move in back to the city. Out here fooling with these deers.

[sad music playing]

Megan: No. No, daddy. We love it out here. I know you worry about me but I promise we’re gonna be okay.

Mr. Reynolds: Well, you know I do worry. Maybe you right? Maybe my baby girl…

Molly: Oh my god. Mr. Reynolds, the deer is pulling down your pants.

Mr. Reynolds: Hey, get off my pants, you porno deer. What’s wrong with you? Everybody messing with me.

Classroom

Ego Nwodim

Amy… Megan Thee Stallion

Devon Walker

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with students playing music and dancing in the classroom at school.]

[The teacher walks in and throws her bag on the table]

Ego: Turn that music off and sit in your seats. My name is Ms. Fink. And I will be your substitute tecaher today. Now, I don’t know what your regular teacher does during this class, but I am here to instruct and you are here to learn. And there is one more thing you should know. I believe in you. Now, I don’t care what you’ve been told your whole lives. You are not dumb. You are not a lost cause. Maybe everyone in your live thinks it’s high school, then the streets, then prison. But not me. When I look at this room, I don’t see thugs. I don’t see dummies. I see a group of young people whose is only fault was being born the wrong color in this country. So yes, you may be dumb today, but what you are tomorrow starts right here in this classroom. Am I understood.

Devon: Yes.

Amy: Yes.

Punkie: Okay.

Ego: ow, don’t be embarrassed. How many of you can read?

Punkie: All of us.

Amy: Miss, this is an honors level physics class.

Ego: This class is that?

Devon: Yeah. Every class at this school is honors level.

Amy: This is a STEM school.

Ego: Okay.

Amy: We all had to take a college level test to get in here.

Ego: Okay.

Devon: Did the principle not tell you?

Ego: Not.

Punkie: And wait, who is calling us dumb?

Ego: [singing] Nobody.

Amy: But when you came into the class, you gave that long speech and you said people were saying we were dumb. Who said that?

Ego: Okay.

Devon: And who said we were born the wrong color? What was that about?

Amy: Yeah. That sounded racist as hell.

Ego: It does now, yes. What kind of school did you say this was again?

Punkie: It’s a STEM school, miss.

Devon: Stands for Science, Technology, Engineering and Math.

Ego: Um, all subjects I know very well. S-T-E-M. But I’d like to say it stands for Students Together Achieving Much.

Amy: But miss, the word ‘Achieve’ starts with an A.

Ego: Exactly. Did we all hear that? Let’s all try to be more like Laquan Tisha.

Amy: My name is Amy.

Ego: Quiet unless called on. Now, let’s begin the lesson. Where did we leave off in the text?

Amy: Chapter 237, particle behavior and wave mechanics.

Ego: Big old book. I will read. A photon can behave both as a wave and a particle. This… da… hmm.

Punkie: Miss, it’s ‘duality’.

Ego: Now, one more time for me, baby?

Devon: It’s ‘duality’.

Ego: Detention. And that concludes the reading. Students, here’s some truth for you. Sometimes the teachers are the ones who are dumb. And sometimes they take a job not realizing it’s at a STAM school.

Punkie: It’s a STEM. With an E.

Ego: Detention. And sometimes, that makes them say and do racist. But you can’t hold them against them. Because some of these teachers did not go to college.

Amy: But miss, I thought you had to go to college to be a teacher.

Ego: Detention. The point is I believe in you. And that is why I should still get paid today. Class dismissed.

Amy: But the bell didn’t ring.

[Ego breaks the fire alarm]

Ego: Believe in yourself. [Ego is trying to run away, but she can’t open the door.] What the hell is wrong with this damn door?

Devon: Miss, the door opens in. You got to pull in.

Ego: Detention!

Weekend Update Velma Comes Out as a Lesbian Artist Sells Urine for 500

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Doctors worry about telling middle-aged women to lose weight” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle aged women to lose weight. also worried about women losing too much weight, black guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Empire State building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Empire State— What? The Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record 6Michael Chend Home run to the season. While over in Queens, a porta potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division.

[cut to an article that says “Velma out as a lesbian”]

In a new Scooby Doo Halloween specialty, character Velma is openly depicted as a lesbian. Finally. She was openly depicted as lesbian which explains why Scooby is now a rescue pitbull.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 5th of October at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wednesday was National Coffee With A Cop day and something tells me cops like their coffee black with a couple of shots in it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a sky scraper in san Francisco at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Michael! new skyscrapers being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top, it will appear to be floating. And then a week later, appear to be covered in dead birds.

[picture changes to a calendar marked on 4th of October]

This Tuesday was national vodka day. Oh, so that’s why my dad called.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pumpkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hefty has introduced pumpkin spice into trash bags and I gotta say ‘pumpkin spice into trash bags’ is probably the best slur for white people I’ve ever heard.