Tag: Taran Killam

Murder Interrogation

Mr. Duflapy… Kenan Thompson

Inspector… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Mr. Westin… Jonah Hill

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

[Starts with some people being gathered by inspector in a castle]

Mr. Duflapy: Alright inspector, why have you called us here? My train departs in an hour.

Inspector: No one’s going anywhere as currently your host Mr. Foxso lies in his bedroom dead from a bullet wound making one of you a murderer.

Cecily: Well, this is ridiculous. I’m an American. I have rights.

Mr. Westin: Yes, inspector. Please do get to the point.

Inspector: Of course. All I need to know is where each of you were this evening between the hours of 6:30 and eight pm.

Kate: I was plucking the feathers from the pheasant and putting little carrots in his throat and onions in it’s bum, the way Mr. Foxso prefers. Sweet to the top and savory in the ass.

Aidy: And I saw her on the way to the rose garden.

Mr. Duflapy: Where she saw me doing my kind of things and my deep knee bends.

Cecily: And we were at the library having intercourse on the table. I’m not ashamed, I’m an American.

Beck: Indeed.

Inspector: Well, then Mr. Westin, it seems that everyone has been accounted for except for you.

Mr. Westin: To be honest inspector, I can’t even recall where I was between 6:30 to eight.

Kate: I just remembered something. While I was plucking that pheasant, I heard 24 separate toilet flushes in a span of 90 minutes coming from Mr. Westin’s bathroom. Does that help your investigation?

Inspector: Hmm, it is curious. Does that sound familiar to you Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [laughing] It really doesn’t. I would recall doing something like that.

Cecily: I just remembered something too. While in the library, we could hear the pipes through the wall sounding as if they were handling something they had never handled before. It was almost as if they were crying.

Mr. Westin: Okay, I fear like, this is hanging in a direction I’m not comfortable with. Maybe we should look for fingerprints.

Aidy: Wait! I can’t believe I forgot this but I heard a terrible groaning and someone muttering, “No, no, no, this is too much. There are people around. Why today? I did this already this morning.” Does that help with the murder inspector?

Mr. Westin: What are you doing to me?

Mr. Duflapy: The geese!

Inspector: What about the geese, Mr. Duflapy.

Mr. Duflapy: Well, it was the strangest thing. I was doing my back bends so I was facing the sky when I noticed two hands open Mr. Westin’s bathroom window. At the same moment, a flock of geese flew by the very same window and drops dead instantly.

Mr. Westin: I didn’t kill geese.

Kate: Well, the geese were dead. They were all lying there with their little wings over their noses and their eyes were crossed.

Mr. Westin: Geese can’t cross their eyes.

Beck: Actually they can. I studied them in the Island. Geese will cross their eyes when confronted with physical horror.

Mr. Westin: This has nothing to do with the murder. He was killed downstairs. God!

Cecily: Downstairs? Well, wait a second. I do remember now seeing the char remains of men’s white underpants as well as trousers. It was as if someone burnt them in shame and ran out of the room as I entered.

Mr. Westin: This is ridiculous.

Inspector: Mr. Westin! When exactly did you change in to these women’s lace bloomers?

Aidy: Why? Those are mine!

Inspector: It almost looks ex– pardon me! It looks like you had to replace your trousers suddenly. Do you care to explain, Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [yelling] Alright! I was in the bathroom for hour and half going through a catastrophe.

Beck: What is the state of the bathroom at this time?

Mr. Westin: Oh, my god! Not good! Okay? I will take care of it. And P.S., there’s still a murder on the loose. Do we still care about that?

Inspector: Oh, there is no murderer on the loose. She is sitting right next to me.

[Inspector catches Kate by her arm]

Kate: I’ve done it. Walk me away.

Inspector: It was obvious because there was gun powder on the pheasant.

Cecily: Inspector, you’re a genius.

Mr. Westin: You’re fanny whore. You knew that entire time she did it and yet we spent time making me a monster for something everyone does in the bathroom.

Mr. Duflapy: But it was just so extreme.

Mr. Westin: I know! I know, I was there. I was scared. And now I don’t know how to boat. I just remember, I didn’t drive here. So I need a ride to town. So, who’s going to be cool? It could be anybody.

[Everyone just leaves the room]

Okay, so everyone’s just breaking into groups and walking away talking. Great!

[The End]

 

Fond Du Lac

Trish Wisnouski… Cecily Strong

Joe Bush… Jonah Hill

Barb Von Stoppin… Aidy Bryant

Mary Pate… Vanessa Bayer

Ron… Taran Killam

Ted Larson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Fond Du Lac: Action News intro]

Male voice: You’re watching South Eastern Wisconsin award winning news team. Top of the hour from the bottom of the lake. This is Fond Du Lac, action news.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: I’m Trish Wisnouski.

Joe: And I’m Joe Bush.

Trish and Joe: And here’s your news Fond Du Lac

Trish: Let’s get to tonight’s top story.

[Cut to Trish. There’s a picture of a person in jail suit at left top corner.]

Trish: Outrage as the hearing date’s been sat to determine where recently released sex offender Jim Hansel Love.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Oh, god! I hope he doesn’t get Judge Brigs, coz she fined me 300 bucks for going through a stop and go light by that Pizzahut that I know is yellow.

Trish: Joe? Yellow? I’ve driven with you. Come on!

Joe: On to our next story. [Cut to Joe] Rumors are swirling about a possible cancellation of this year’s annual Winterfest. Our very own Barb is at the fair grounds. Let’s go to her live.

[Cut to split screen]

Barb: Hi there, Trish and Joe.

Trish: Hey, Barb.

Joe: What’s happening there, Barb? Because my friend John Willer from snow mobile place called me and said this is a big mess and I said, “Yeah, I know.”

Trish: Yeah. My friend Jana calls me, “There’s gotta be a solution.” I go, “Well, what is it?” She goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Okay.”

Joe: Good point. Thank you for that report Barb. Keep us posted.

Barb: Yeah. No problem. Back to you guys.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Alright, so, what now? Should we do weather one?

Joe: Yes, sounds good. Let’s go to Mary with the weather. Hey, what are we looking at, Mary?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Um, you know what guys? Who can tell what the weather is going to do, you know? One day it’s freaking snowing, and the next day I got all the windows down in my navigator.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Oh, you got the navigator?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Yes, we got the navigator

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Oh, you like it? Didn’t I tell ya?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Yeah, I like it. Yeah. It’s a 2010 navigator.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Yeah, where did you get it at?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Oh, yeah, Don Schlender’s Auto and cycles.

[Cut to Trish]

Trish: Oh, yeah. Don’s. Where they caught the sex offender in his Kia.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: You know, I never was a fan of Kia, and it’s not entirely a Korean thing.

Trish: Actually you know, My first bus front was Korean. He didn’t speak a word of English, but she had a stand up pole and she always brought me like, weird gum to school. And you know, I think her sister kind of drowned or something at pool and that’s why they moved away.

Joe: Hah! So, that was the weather. Okay, Fond Du Lac, it’s time to learn your lotto number is at anyone near Fond Du Lac

Trish: As always, here to pull the number is Mr. Ron Durusek. He’s been doing this since 1972.

Joe: Yeah, we just had his 90th birthday party over there at the McDonald’s right where the sex offender was showing people his thing.

Trish: Okay, Ron, you ready?

[Cut to Ron]

Ron: Yes. First number, it’s a one. First number’s a one.

Joe: Okay, well actually that’s a seven. Ron can’t see too good.

Ron: Second ball, we got 11.

Joe: Yeah, that’s a 14.

Ron: Lucky 11! And third ball, oh-oh! 69. I had to say it. It’s on the ball.

Joe: It’s a two. Not a 69.

Ron: 69.

Joe: It’s two.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Okay, okay, Ron.

Ron: 69!

Trish: Okay, got ya’. He knew that wasn’t a 69. He does that everytime.

Joe: Okay. Let’s go to Ted Larson with sports. What you got, Ted?

[Cut to Ted]

Ted: Well, the Badgers won Michigan bad. And that was the only game I got to see this week coz I got a troubled son. He called his mother a B and kicked me in my D, and then he told the neighbors to mind their f-ing business or they can eat his dirty A. You know.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: That was sports. Thanks Ted.

Trish: Alright, well that’s your news Fond Du Lac and it looks like it’s lunch time.

[someone passes food to Trish and Joe]

So, we got, what’s this? California carb.

Joe: That’s not mine. I don’t eat salads.

[Ted walks in to check his lunch too]

[The End]

CNN Election Center Cold Open

Jake… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Jake in his set]

Jake: It’s been a crazy week in politics. So, as tonight’s election results continue to roll in, let’s take a look back at past seven days. Donald Trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday. Here’s what he had to say at the celebratory press conference.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Chris Christie]

Donald Trump: What a great, great night. I really am running the best campaign, aren’t I? The media is saying they haven’t seen anything like this. Not since Germany in the 1930s. I mean, everyone loves me. Racists, ugly racists, people who didn’t even know they were racists, people who’s eyes are like this, [making faces], and this guy loves me, don’t you? [talking to the audience] Wait, what’s that? Get him out! As I was saying, everyone loves me. I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now. [pointing at Chris Christie] Isn’t that right, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: I mean, he really is a sad desperate little potato back there. Aren’t you, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: No. Go get on a plane. Go home.

Chris Christie: Okay. You got it.

[Chris Christie leaves]

Donald Trump: Also, P.S. America, I have a great, big, huge dick.

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Alright viewers, I know this is gonna be boring, but let’s take a quick look at the democrats. Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday. Here’s a clip of her thanking supporters.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. There are many black people standing behind her.]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, hello. Hello. Thank you. I’d just like to say, thank the f-ing lord! I won seven states tonight and to celebrate, I bought myself this brand new storm trooper coat. And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together. Just like I brought these 10 black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech. Yes! I hear these people are great, they are strong, they’re beautiful and they’ve all been punched in the nose at the Trump rally. And speaking of Trump, he is on track to become the Republican nominee. So, to all of you voters our there who have thought for years “I hate Hillary, I can never vote for her”, to you I say, “Welcome.” Coz I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here you are stuck in the middle with me! Yes!

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Powerful speech. Now, let’s get back to the fun stuff, the republicans. Tonight’s election results are in and here to talk about his big win is senator Ted Cruz. Caution: We’re about to show his whole face on the screen. So viewer discretion is advised.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello, Jake.

[Jake gets scared looking at his face]

Jake: Still got me even though I knew it was coming.

Ted Cruz: Happens to everyone.

Jake: Now, senator. Tonight you beat Trump in both Kansas and Maine which was a huge upset.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: That’s right. I beat him good. And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring. [showing the ring he’s wearing on his finger] Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. I’m one of those guys.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: And that’s okay. I still love those states like they’re my own children. An Just like my own children, tonight those states said, “Ew, gross. I hate you.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now senator, let’s talk quickly about Thursday’s GOP debate which many called ‘Craze Balls’.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, yes. The debate was so much fun. I talked policy. I laid out my plan for America. And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Yes, that was absolutely disgusting.

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha. I know, right? [laughing]

Jake: Alright, thank you senator. [Cut to Jake] And finally joining us now, he came out strong against Donald Trump. With the unprecedented public address on Thursday, 2012 presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Hello governor.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Jake. Hi, Jake. Thanks for having me. Now, that’s right America, I’m back. You didn’t ask for it but you got it.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Mitt Romney]

Jake: Now governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald Trump?

Mitt Romney: Well Jake, for the last nine months, I’ve sat down and watched Donald Trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Regan, we do not say racist and sexist things. We imply them, shuttly over decades and decades of policy. So I felt that I had to take matters into my own tanned well manicured hands and follow the advise of my favorite rapster, Macklemore. That’s right. And I chose to put Donald Trump on blast. America, he’s a fool.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Four years ago, he endorsed you for president.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Like I said, he’s a fool. He’s a fraud. He’s a scam. He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a flimflam man. Now, if you vote for Donald Trump, and I hate to use a curse word on television, but if you vote for him, you’re a sucker. Aw, forgive me Joseph Smith. Oh, boy.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Wow. You are pretty riled up.

Mitt Romney: Yeah. You’re gosh darn right I am. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And that’s why on last Thursday, I rolled up my $1,000 monogram sleeves, I took a couple of shots of non-alcoholic kahlua, I did 10 women’s pushups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive passionate well measured anti-Trump speech I could.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And you think your speech changed the minds of any Trump supporters?

Mitt Romney: I do not.

Jake: Do you think any Trump supporters even watched?

Mitt Romney: Not on purpose. No.

Jake: You think your speech hurt Trump at all?

Mitt Romney: Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.

Jake: Alright, is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald Trump?

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, there is. Donald, you’re duplicitous, you’re reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president. and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away]

[Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

Singing on Primaries

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

[Starts with four people having meal at a restaurant]

Taran: Oh, my god. Have you guys been watching the Primaries?

Aidy: Ah, yes. Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.

Vanessa: I know. But we’re all still voting for her right?

All: Oh, yeah. Totally.

Vanessa: Cool. Me too. Except, I think I’m voting for Bernie.

Kyle: What? But yeah, me too.

Taran and Aidy: You are? But so are we.

Vanessa:  mean, Hillary is the most qualified candidate in history but at the same time, ay!

Taran: Yeah. I mean, Hillary has every single thing I want in the president, but…

All: She’s no Bernie.

[music playing]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton on a flower swing]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] Turn down the lights
turn down the bay
turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don’t personalize

[Cut to Taran and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I like Hillary’s foreign policy experience, but I love Bernie’s whole vibe.

Taran: I’m obsessed with his vibe.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Bernie is the best.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Vanessa: Bernie is change.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark

[Cut to everybody. Hillary Clinton is singing and dancing.]

at this fine hour
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
with you

Aidy: I like when Bernie yells.

Hillary Clinton: I love you.

Aidy: But not when Hillary does.

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t

[Hillary Clinton walks away]

Vanessa: Wow, did anybody else just get so cold for a minute?

Kyle: I felt cold, but safe.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey you guys, I’m sorry I’m late.

Taran: h, that’s okay. We were just talking about whether or not vote for Hillary.

Cecily: Oh, I definitely am. Coz they basically said it’s my feminist duty.

Aidy: Well, actually that’s not right. True feminism is looking at both candidates equally regardless of gender.

Cecily: Oh! Well, if they really do that I pick Bernie.

Kyle: Me too. Hillary is just too establishment.

Vanessa: Yeah. And Bernie is an outsider who has only been in congress for 30 years.

All: Yes, he’s the best.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton come in sitting on a piano. Bill Clinton is playing the piano.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I can’t make you love me if you don’t

Bill Clinton: Please. Please just look.

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Bill Clinton: Like her from my side.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power

Bill Clinton: Oh boy. Guess what, I’m not even playing this thing. [he means he’s not playing the piano]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t you love me if you don’t

[Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton slide out with the piano]

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: You guys, I will say one thing about Hillary. She is way better than any of those republican nominees.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s for sure. Except, I do like Jeb Bush.

All: You do?

Vanessa: No, I’m kidding. Who likes Jeb Bush?

[everybody laughing]

[music playing]

[Jeb Bush comes out of the table behind everbody]

Jeb Bush: [singing] Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t
coz I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Deep in the dark–

Kyle: Excuse me! I’m sorry. Are you Jeb Bush?

Jeb Bush: Wait, what? You can see me?

Vanessa: I mean, yeah. You just stood up out of that table. How long were you waiting down there for?

Jeb Bush: But I was just– I was doing what Hillary did. You know? With the other ones? Coz she and I are both big losers.

Cecily: Oh! No, no. You two aren’t the same. Hillary may have lost New Hampshire but she is still pulling way ahead in the south.

Aidy: Yeah. I have a ton of friends there and they all love her.

[Hillary Clinton comes out of another table with an electric guitar]

Hillary Clinton: Now that’s my babies! And there is going nowhere!

[plays rock guitar]

I’ll see you in the south

[plays rock guitar]

And live from New York

[plays rock guitar]

It’s Saturday Night!

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]

Dude!

Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]

Bus Ride

Driver… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Taran Killam

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with a bus stopping at the bus stop]

Driver: Okay. Okay, this is Franklin station transfer here for M26 to Greenville.

[Leslie gets in the bus]

Leslie: Hello.

Driver: Hello ma’am.

[There is no seat available so Taran offers Leslie his seat]

Taran: Um, would you like to sit down miss?

Leslie: Yeah. Thanks.

Taran: You got it.

Leslie: So nice.

[Taran stands and Leslie takes his seat]

[Melissa makes way for Leslie to take the seat]

Melissa: Oh, that’s gotta feel good.

Leslie: Yes, it does. Chivalry isn’t dead, right?

Melissa: Hah! I kind of meant the other thing.

Leslie: What other thing?

Melissa: You know. White man gives up his seat in front of the bus. You gotta say, you’ve come a long way baby.

Leslie: Okay.

Melissa: I mean. You know, they’re showing Roots on television for February. And I have just been glued to this. They’re so good. Prime Ben Vareen. Prime OJ Simpson. I mean you can’t miss the cast really. You know what character I love is that Kunye Kenny.

Leslie: Um, Kunta Kinte.

Melissa: I don’t speak it but I enjoy the work.

Leslie: [to Taran] Hey, you sure you don’t wanna sit back down?

Taran: No, I’m good.

Melissa: You know, I gotta be honest, I don’t love a lot of black movies, but like the one where she poops in the pie and– where was that? I can’t remember what it’s called. She was a maid. She pooped in pie and made a lady eat. What is that? Is that called Poop Pie?

Leslie: No. It’s called ‘The Help’.

Melissa: Oh, that’s it. That’s it. That’s a little racy for me. But Roots. Roots, I do enjoy. You know, I told my husband Ron. I said if this is Roots, which one is Quest Love? [laughing] He did not get that one. God he was that. OJ is– was handsome. It’s a waste, huh?

Leslie: [to driver] Ay, man. I’m just gonna get out here.

Driver: This is a highway ma’am.

Leslie: That’s fine.

Melissa: You know, there’s another one I did love. It’s also got slaves in it. It’s not Roots. I think it’s– is it eight years I got to slave?

Leslie: No.

Melissa: Eight years I gotta slave.

Leslie: No. It’s 12 years of slave. 12 years of slave.

Melissa: Oh, is it 12 years? I didn’t see the whole thing. So.

Leslie: [to driver] Hey, man! You can just open up the door and I can just tuck and roll out. You ain’t even got to stop.

[Melissa holding Leslie’s hand]

Melissa: Look at that. We were like a banneton ad, huh? That’s sweet. I mean, if I had to choose, I would prefer white movies. They’re just so many great ones. The Godfather. The Gremlins. Star Wars. Oh, boy. But I did enjoy Roots just as much as any white movie. [Leslie is starting to look at window nicely] I mean you know what I was telling Ron? I said, “How about somebody make Root with all white cast. It’s a win– you can’t go wrong with that.

Leslie: Ay man, does this window open? I can just slide right out of this window.

Driver: One sec. [phone ringing] Wait, hold on. [on phone] Yeah. Why? A bomb? Now? Okay. I’m on. [hangs up the phone] Well folks, I just got word that if I go below 50 miles an hour, this bus will explode.

Leslie: What? I don’t wanna die with you. Oh!

Melissa: I don’t wanna die before seeing the end of Roots. I mean, do they ever get free?

Driver: Don’t worry ma’am. I got a full tank of gas in this baby so we can ride all night. I just gotta make one quick stop.

Everybody: No!

[The bus explodes]

Super Bowl Greeting

Cam Newton… Kenan Thompson

Peyton Mannnig… Taran Killam

Policemen… Beck Bennett, Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Super Bowl greeting intro]

Male voice: And now, a Super Bowl greeting from Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[Cut to Cam Newton and Peyton Manning sitting and playing the piano]

Cam Newton: Oh, hey there Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Oh, hey Cam.

Cam Newton: You ready for the big game tomorrow?

Peyton Manning: I mean, not physically, but otherwise sure!

Cam Newton: What a special match-up it’s gonna be, huh?

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory
facing off in Super Bowl 50

Cam Newton: The media coverage was interesting this week too.

Peyton Manning: Yeah. I’m just trying to enjoy the whole experience, you know? I’ve been smiling all week, giving people high-fives.

Cam Newton: That sounds great. And when you did that, did they accuse you of show boating and call you a thug?

Peyton Manning: No, not really.

Cam Newton: Hmm, maybe that’s because

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: In the press there’s a real discrepancy

Peyton Manning: Well, I will say I did get a couple of tough questions from reporters too.

Cam Newton: Tough questions?

Peyton Manning: Yes sir.

Cam Newton: Oh, that’s a shame. I got letters from angry mothers in Tennessee because I dance too much.

Peyton Manning: Well, you do celebrate a lot more than me

Cam Newton: Coz I have Bobby5 touchdowns and you have like, three

Peyton Manning: Actually, it was nine.

Cam Newton: In how many interceptions?

Peyton Manning: I don’t think they keep stats on that anymore. Look, white quarterbacks got tough time too, Cam. I mean look at Johnny Manziel. The Browns just released him.

Cam Newton: Yeah, and all he did was get drunk, missed practice and get accuse of assaulting his girlfriend. But he couldn’t do one thing that could save him… win!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: Why would anyone be afraid of me?
I do ads for Greek yogurt and Kids Tv

Peyton Manning: And I hang out with Papa John who’s like way creepy

Cam Newton: Yeah, what is the deal with that Papa John guy anyway?

Peyton Manning: Oh! Do not know man! The other day I walked in on the guy, he was kissing one of his pizzas. And I actually heard him whisper to it, “Let’s get you out those toppings.”

Cam Newton: Oh, damn!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, it was way bad man. Let’s just say that I think he might have lost his mind.

Cam Newton: I caught it. Well, if you do retire, we’re gonna miss you Peyton. You’re one of the greatest of all time.

Peyton Manning: Well, thank you very much Cam. And I know that whatever happens, the game is in very good hands with you. We may not have the same style, but I certainly do like your’s a lot.

Cam Newton: Oh, come on, man!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory
we’re as different as two quarterbacks could be
but there’s one thing we both agree
we are never gonna see that Concussion movie

Peyton Manning: Hey, I want to show you some of your famous moves of your game, huh?

Cam Newton: Alright! Alright!

[Cam Newton stands]

Look at my dab! Look at my dab!

[Two police officers come in]

Beck: Slow down. Hands where I see em’.

Bobby: Hey, you okay Mr. Manning?

Peyton Manning: Gosh, yea, yeah. He was just having fun.

Bobby: Okay, really? Coz earlier we saw him giving young child a large brown gun.

Cam Newton: Ay, man! That was a football.

[Cut to Super Bowl greeting outro]

Male voice: This has been a Super Bowl greeting form Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[The End]

Steam Ship

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Larry David

Kenan Thompson

Donovan … Vanessa Bayer

Bernie Sanders

[Starts with people panicking on a sinking ship]

Taran: We’re going down.

Beck: Evacuate the ship.

Kate: Have mercy on our son.

Bobby: Light the signal.

Larry: Light some.

Kenan: Lower down the life-boats.

Larry: Lower them.

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: What’s that?

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: Really?

Taran: Yes, really.

Larry: Shouldn’t it just be whoever is closest?

Bobby: Load the rations.

Taran: Tie them to the bust.

Kenan: Board the women and children. Save their lives.

Larry: And let’s not forget about the men’s lives.

[Kate gets on the boat with hers on]

That kid, he’s more of a man than I am!

Kenan: Hold on steady.

Bobby: Hold on.

Larry: Check his pants. Check for pubes.

Taran: No! We are absolutely not doing that.

Larry: You’re gonna let me drown but you won’t just do a simple pubes check?

Kenan: Help madam Donovan on to the life boat.

Larry: Her? What are you saving her for? She’s a threat to all of us. Have you gone through menopause, man!

Madam Donovan: That’s none of your business.

Larry: Oh, that answers my question. Sharks are going to be following up from miles if you’ll catch me drift.

Kenan: You suck, sir!

[Another woman and a kid gets on the boat]

Larry: Are you kidding me? That’s not a kid. that’s a midget, I can tell.

Kenan: Not cool.

Larry: I can say it. It’s old in times.

Taran: Alright men. Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.

Larry: Well, okay. I hate to pull this but my father is rich. I come from a wealthy family. Technically, my life is worth more than all of your’s put together. Especially these women and midgets. So if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna pop down in that lifeboat.

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Hold on! Hold on! Wait a second! I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment. Enough is enough. We need to unite and work together. If we’re all going to get through this.

Larry: Sounds like socialism to me.

Bernie Sanders: Democratic socialism.

Larry: Ah! What’s the difference?

Bernie Sanders: Huge difference.

Larry: Yuge?

Bernie Sanders: Huge.

Larry: Yuge with a Y? Who are you?

Bernie Sanders: I am Bernie Sanders Witsky. But we’re gonna change it when we get to America so it doesn’t sound so quite Jewish.

Larry: Yeah, that will trick them.

Taran: Hold on everyone. I’ve got great news. What we crossed into was Liberty Island. We’re in New York. Everyone off the boat!

[everybody cheering]

Bernie Sanders: Look at that!

Larry: Oh, wow! Not bad.

Bernie Sanders: Share a cab?

Larry: Nah! I think we’ve talked enough.

[The End]

Song Writing

Jason… Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Ross… Larry David

Ted… Taran Killam

Willow… Kate McKinnon

Nate… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with a music class]

Jason: Okay guys, welcome to intro to song writing. I’m Jason. Are you guys excited?

Vanessa: [singing] Yes we are!

Jason: Yes! I love that excitement. You guys rock.

Ross: That’s a cool haircut man.

Jason: Thanks. Okay, so today’s class is about lyrics and what do most song lyrics have in common?

Ted: Um, they rhyme

Jason: Yes, Ted. So, I wanna start with very funny, basic and silly, fun exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song could help us rhyme. So, [Jason pulls out an instrument] I’m gonna start up.

Ross: Cool drums.

Jason: Thanks Ross.

Ross: Yeah, don’t mention it.

Jason: I appreciate it. So, we’re gonna sing a song as a class about a forest. And I want you all to visualize a forest. Okay? Willow, I’m gonna start with you. I’m gonna give you a lyric and then you’ll have to finish it, okay?

Willow: Please don’t.

Jason: Hey, no pressure. This is very easy, alright?

[singing] I see an animal walking near
great big antlers, it’s a–

Willow: Deer!

Jason: Alright! You see? Easy stuff. Ross, your turn bud. You ready?

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he leaps over the–

Ross: Frog house.

Jason: No. Not frog house. I love the creativity. But try and find the rhyme. Alright? You ready? Okay.

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he eaps over the–

Ross: Dull frog building.

Jason: Ross, you’re over complicating it, bud. Where is the frog?

Ross: His house.

Jason: Okay, but where is his house?

Ross: Frog end.

Jason: Alright, the word was log. We’re all looking for the world log. It’s all good though. Um, Ross, we’re gonna do a new one, okay? Alright.

[singing] buzz, buzz, wake up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: Frogs and tiny helicopters.

Jason: Ross, bud. What’s with you and the frogs?

Ross: I’m visualizing the world of frog.

Jason: Alright, we’re moving on now. Now, there’s no frog.

Ross: Oh my god, what happened to them? Are the frogs okay?

Jason: Just no more frogs. Cool? Okay, listen. You’re ready?

[singing] buzz, buzz, up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: The rise of the toads.

Jason: Ross. I said no frogs.

Ross: I know. The toads invaded and killed the frogs.

Jason: The word was bees. Good try Ross. Alright. Brand new song about– how about a fun day at the beach?

Ross: But the toads closed all the beaches coz they’re at war.

Vanessa: You’re legitimately talented.

Jason: Nate, your turn. No toads.

[singing] Going to the beach, gonna have fun
spending the day under the–

[Cut to Nate and Vanessa]

Nate: Okay. See, I know it’s sun. But yo! I wanna say shadow of the toad’s warships.

[Cut to Ted and Willow]

Ted: Yeah. And I’m super curious. Who are the toad’s enemies since the frogs are gone?

[Cut to Ross and Jason]

Ross: The Iguanas, man! The Iguanas want to crush the toads. Iguana… wanna… oh damn! I got some! Give me that guitar. Give me that guitar. I’m gonna write my own.

[Cut to everybody]

[singing] And the frogs are under the trees

[The End]