Category:

Kevin Hart Stand-Up Monologue

Kevin Hart

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart.

[Kevin Hart walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kevin Hart: Hey. Oh, we can do better than that. [cheering harder] Let me hear y’all. Yes. Yes. So excited to be here, man. So many amazing things going on right now. Where do I start? First and foremost, Jumanji. I have Jumanji coming out soon. I’m extremely excited about that. Um, I can talk about the fact that this is my third time hosting Saturday Night Live. My third time on this stage. Excited about that. I’m about to go to my third tour. My third tour. Irresponsible tour. I’m excited about that.

People, big things are happening right now. I just had my third baby. I just had baby number three. Yes. Yes, I did. Now, I can admit– I can admit to everybody I wasn’t– I wasn’t excited about having a baby in the beginning. When we had the idea of having a baby. I wasn’t through. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. That’s just me being honest. Don’t judge me. I’m being honest. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. The reason why? It’s because I got two babies already. My daughter’s 12. My son’s 10. I told my wife. I said, “Babe, I got the best of both worlds. I did it. We married. So technically, those babies are your babies. That’s what I told her. Those are your babies too. She said, “I know. But they old. I want a new one.” I said, “Well, first of all don’t talk about my kids like they’re used cars. Don’t do that, okay? These kids are working perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with these kids.”

The thing is for me, I didn’t want to deal with that two year old age again. That was my fear. That’s a tough age, man. You got to have a lot of patience to deal with that two year old child. Just think about it. All you do is just repeat yourself all day to a two year old child. That’s all you do. You say the same thing over and over again to a two year old child.

“Hey! Hey! What did I say? Look at me. Look at me. No. What did I say? Ah! Look at me. Look at me. What did I? No! What did I say? Put it! Look, haa-hah! No! Haa-hah!” What is that? What is “Haa-hah?” That’s not even a word. But we made it the word. Go behind a stranger that you don’t know and go “haa-hah!” I bet they duck. I bet they duck. Coz it always follows with a hit.

You gotta have too much patience, man. There’s so many things I don’t like when it comes to little kids. I’m gonna tell you what I really don’t like. I don’t like these younger women that are making these older men have these babies. I don’t like it. I was at a park. I saw a 60 year old man with a two year old baby. It disgusted me. I didn’t like it one bit. Coz he couldn’t keep up with the baby. The baby is too much for him. He was treating the baby like the baby was a loose basketball at a playground. You should have seen it. “Ay! Ay! My man. Look up. Grab that baby. Pass that baby back to me please. That’s my baby. Ay! Please. Hey! Coming down the side board. Right there. That’s my baby. Hey. Pass that baby back to me please.” He couldn’t bend his knees. He didn’t know how to work none of the baby equipment so he kept trying to talk to me to get me to do the things for him. “Ay, you. My man. Right there. Hey, please. You, right there. Ay! Right there. Come here for a second? Please. I don’t know how to get the stroller down. Okay? Like, I got it up but I can’t get it down. It’s like I took viagra and I don’t know what to do afterwards. Okay?” I said, “Look, man. It’s a new stroller. The new strollers are touch and release. All you got to do is tap the button in the middle. You tap the button in the middle, the stroller’s gonna collapse.” He said, “Can you show me how to do it?” I did it. I tapped the button in the middle. Stroller collapsed. He lost it. “Oh! My god! Okay. Alright. I need you in my life.” He said, “Can I get you to follow me to my car and help me properly stripe my baby in the car seat?” I said, “What?” He said, “Let’s just hypothetically say I didn’t do it right on the way over here.” He said, “I made a left and my baby slipped from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. I just need you to help me, brother.” I said, “I don’t mind, man.” Long story short, I’ve been watching this guy’s kids for last two weeks. True story.

I will say this though. You have to take your hat off when it comes to dealing with kids to the women. Women, I give you so much credit. Like, you guys do so much. I will. I- I take my hat off to you. You know why? Because when it comes to putting structure in the child’s life, when it comes to bathing, feeding, taking kids to school, from school, you guys do that. You’re responsible for that. And you know what? I applaud you for that. But one thing that you’re not… The one thing that you’re not is fun. Now, I know when you first hear it, I know you’re getting attitude already. “What? I’m fun. That’s a lie. You a liar. I’m fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. “I can’t wait for mommy and me time.” That don’t exist. Don’t no kids say that. All of the fun responsibility lies on the shoulder of the father. It does. Now, I know right now, women, you’re looking at me and saying, “So what? If it does, just play with kid.” What you don’t understand is the fun becomes the hardest job the kid does not know how to shut fun off. Let me tell you the scariest thing for men to see after a long day at work. He is tired. The scariest thing for men to see when he opens up that door real slow is that baby with a lot of energy on the other side. [screaming] “Oh, yeah. I’m ready to play, daddy. I wanna play that game where you close your eyes and I keep opening them back up. That’s what I want to do, daddy. I want to jump on your neck, daddy!” That’s a bad game, man. You gotta have a lot of patience as a man to deal with that. A lot. Some men have it. Some men don’t.

I want to make a bet right now. I’ll make a bet that every single man in this audience that has a child has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work in your car. You drive home. You’re pulling your driveway. Soon as you get in the driveway, that baby with all the energy gets in the blinds and sees you. “Oh, yeah! Daddy’s about to pull up.” You see the baby. You see the baby see you see the baby. And you back out that driveway.

We got an amazing show for you guys tonight, everybody. Foo Fighters are here tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes! Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Inside The NBA intro]

[Cut to the show set]

Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.

Charles: Hey, there.

Kenny: What’s up?

Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.

Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.

Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.

Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?

Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.

Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.

Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.

Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak!

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.

Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).

Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”

Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.

Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.

Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.

Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.

Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.

Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?

Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.

Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.

Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball.  [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.

Charles: Okay.

Shaq: Let’s go.

Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.

Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.

Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.

Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.

Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.

Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.

Holiday Jewelry

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Cecily strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with women decorating the Christmas tree in their house.]

Male voice: She’s the one who makes the holidays merry and bright. The perfect gift. The perfect wrapping. The perfect everything. So, what do you get the woman who makes Christmas for Christmas? [Greg takes Kate to show her the gift] The gift every woman desires. [He shows her a ring box] A beautiful charm from Pandora. [There’s a little coffee cup in the ring box. Kate is confused.]

Kate: Oh, it’s one of these? It’s a little coffee cup.

Greg: I knew you would.

Kate: What?

Greg: I’m sorry. Did you say you love it?

Kate: [in unimpressive way] I do. I love it.

Male voice: And Pandora charms. We take one little fact about your wife and turn it into jewelry. If it’s now, it’s a charm.

[Cut to Alex opening the ring box to Cecily. Cecily is happy first, but then is confused after seeing what’s in the ring box.]

Cecily: Oh, is it a little dress?

Beck: Yeah. I noticed you wear dresses.

Cecily: It has pink ribbon on it. It’s for breast cancer?

Beck: [looks at it carefully] Oh, yeah.

Male voice: Pandora charm sees the thing you want to tell her the most. Like, I know what job you have and that job is nurse. Or, you like drinking. Or, this is a dog. And once you bought a Pandora bracelet, you can get her one of these $60 whatever for every birthday, mother’s day and anniversary for the rest of her natural life.

[Cut to a party]

Kate: [to her friends] It’s a coffee cup. Greg got it for me. Greg, look what I’m wearing. [Greg and Kate raise their glasses to each other] [to her friends] I got Greg a motorcycle.

Cecily: I got us a threesome.

Kate: Wow.

Aidy: Wow.

Cecily: Yeah.

Male voice: Pandora. Come back to the mall.

Weekend Update – Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Christmas

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s only eight days left before Christmas. Here with his holiday dating tips is they guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The guy: Yeah. Ho-ho-ho. [singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like Sex-mas. Hey, happy holiday, Santa Cols. Skin tight to be back.

Colin Jost: My god. I think you’re even worse than I remembered. How have you been?

The guy: Not great, Col. The world has gotten it’s granny panties in a real twist since last we spoke. Got into some hot wat at the office. I had to go incognit for a bit, a little adic-facil out in the boo. Low-key little sex rehab situate to save my J-O-B. It was hard but overall pretty tight and I’m a changed man.

Colin Jost: Wow. Congrats, man.

The guy: Thank you. Now, let’s talk getting fala-la-la-la-la-laid.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s my guy. Okay.

The guy: Okay. I’ve got some tips that could help even Santa slay (sleigh). Now, when it comes to buying her a gift, you can’t lose with booze. Go for that second smallest bottle of Bails, maybe a nice Stoly Orang, or just bring some Veno to the sceno. Pick up anything in the sub-20-buck range that will get her lit up like that tree in Rockefeller Centro. I have a small bad wang. Now, let’s talk gifts of gold and Frankenstein. Since that will have her coming back for mer. ‘Tis the holiday for lingerie, and gents, don’t half shaft it with some cut rayed skivis, okay? Head straight to Vicky-6 and ask for a recommende. Don’t worry about what size. Just make it guess-demaise based on what kind of goodies the sales chika packed for lunch. My junk blows.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These, again, are dating tips for Christmas?

The guy: Wi, señor. Now, to make your Mrs. claws up your back, um, you gotta set that wintery scene. Take her to a top notch ski res and get your slope on. Then retire to the ski chalet where she shall lay if you play things right. Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe. Now, light up a fire– [Colin Jost laughing hardly]

Colin Jost: What?

The guy: Geez.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No.

The guy: Happy holidays.

Colin Jost: Yeah, their problem. Yeah.

The guy: Um, light up a fire and you’ll log her quicker, then you can say, “This never happens to me.” But it always does. It came upon a midnight clear but she most certainly did not. I’m neither a goer nor a show-er. Um–

Colin Jost: Look, man. Come on. It’s the Christmas show, okay?

The guy: Rodger, dodger. Now, let’s talk poist, post coids proto Col. Um, once you’ve done the deed and show em’ the seed, you can run, run Rudolph. Make like Santa Clause and leave her presents. Bad jingle, worse bells.

Colin Jost: It’s disgusting.

The guy: Well, hey man, don’t make me deck the Colls. Ha-ha. Nah, I’m Jost kidding. I only pick on people my own size which is just shockingly small. My penis, I mean. It’s bad an it’s small. And the thing is Colin, nobody likes it.

Colin Jost: And yet, somehow it’s not the worst thing about you.

The guy: Umm. It’s a Philly’s nobby dud. Now, in cum-clusion (conclusion), no matter who you open presents with on XXXmas, there’s no better place to unwrap a box and on the stern of the uptown girl.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What is the uptown girl?

The guy: My boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: My god. The guy who bought a boat everyone.

The guy: It’s duck-tomorrow-logo.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Christmas Party

Kenan Thompson

Ron… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Kevin Hart

[Starts with four adults enjoying the Christmas party]

Kenan: Well, it is Christmasy as all hell in here. Sorry I said hell. I’ve had too many of these guys. [pointing to his cocktail] How much Bailey’s is in these, Ron?

Ron: It’s all Bailey’s, my man.

[laughing]

[door bell ringing]

Cecily: Oh, oh, that’s probably Crystal and Jean. They said they were arriving late. [Cecily opens the door] Ah, Merry Christmas. Come on in.

Leslie: How are you doing? Sorry, [pointing at Kevin] this is one to blame.

Kevin: Oh, man. Here we go. Ha-ha.

Ron: Can I get you Bailey’s on the rocks?

Kevin: Oh, thank you. Thank you. I love one.

Leslie: Um, do me a favor. Get him a diet Pepsi.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on, now. I can’t even have a drink? Oh, sweety Crystal. come on.

Ron: Oh, Jean, have a drink if you want.

Kevin: Oh, no, Ron. I shouldn’t push it.

Leslie: Do you have straws?

Cecily: Well, we have the crazy straws that our kids like to use.

Leslie: Hmm, that will do.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on. Don’t make me use a child’s crazy straw. Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: I’m not gonna listen to you slurp, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, I’ll drink it quiet, honey. Come on, baby. I don’t slurp.

Leslie: You think you don’t slurp, Jean? [Leslie passes Kevin a glass of Pepsi with a crazy straw] Here.

Kevin: Okay. I guess I’ll take it.

[Kevin takes a seat by Kenan.]

Kenan: So, you do everything your wife says there, Jean?

Kevin: What? What, you– What? [laughing] You got it all wrong. She just knows what’s better for me. That’s all. I’m very– I’m very lucky.

Leslie: Jean, I’m under the mistletoe. Get over here and kiss me.

Kevin: Oh. Okay, alright. I’m on my way, sweetie. Okay.

Kenan: You better snap to it, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, come on, now. Ay, Reggie, come on, now. Don’t bust my chance like that.

Leslie: Hurry up. Do you know how desperate I look right now?

Kevin: Oh, well, I’m coming, hun. I’m just–

Leslie: You know what? Forget it. You’re too late. Go kiss yourself.

Kevin: [looks around] Well, baby, how do I kiss myself? I don’t know how to even do that.

Leslie: Then grab that life size Christmas bear under the tree and kiss it.

Kevin: Oh. Baby, I– I really gotta go kiss that over sized teddy bear? The one with the overall? Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: Yes. And make it a good one, Jean.

Kevin: What? Like a big kiss? You talking the whole thing, Crystal, baby? Come on, now.

Leslie: Yes. A French kiss and I wanna see a lot of tongue. Jean.

[Kevin walks to the teddy bear]

Aidy: Oh, Jean, you do not have to do that.

Kevin: Oh, well, no. I better. I don’t — I don’t want Crystal to be mad.

Leslie: Kiss that teddy bear like you mean it. Show then what I have to deal with every night, Jean.

Kevin: Well, come on now, Crystal. I don’t want them to see our secrets. Come on, baby.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kenan: Yeah. We don’t want to see your secrets either.

Leslie: Tell that bear how hot it looks. How hot he looks.

Kevin: What? What do you mean he?

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Oh, come on now, Crystal. Alright, your booty look good.

Ron: His booty? What is happening?

Leslie: Take that bear’s Christmas overalls off Jean.

Kevin: Oh, Crystal, baby. Don’t make me undress the teddy bear. Come on, Crystal.

Kenan: Ay, Jean. You don’t have to do that.

Aidy: Yeah. This isn’t your house.

Cecily: Yes. And that’s Elain’s Christmas gift.

Kevin: Well, well, I’m sorry. Okay? I just gotta pick my battles with Crystal. [Kevin starts opening teddy bear’s clothes] Get your overalls off. Come on.

Leslie: You’re making that bear work. Show him what you really like, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on now. Those are my bedroom fantasies.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Well, I don’t see any fingers or nothing on the bear, Crystal. Let me get the leg out the pant or something out. Come on. I’ll do this and I’ll just turn the bear.

Kenan: Hey, stand up for yourself, Jean.

Ron: Yeah. You don’t have to do that, man.

Aidy: Get off my stuffed bear.

[Kevin gets embarrassed]

Kevin: You know what, honey? You’ve been laying into me heavy all night in front of all my employees. But I think maybe you’re going too far, okay? Now, I’m not gonna try to put my– you know what I am. I’mma put my foot down right now and I’mma say, “That’s it.” No more. No more I’m gonna do this. I will not make out with this life sized teddy ear anymore.

[The employees look proud]

Leslie: Hmm. Somebody gets a little diet Pepsi in him and suddenly he’s all man. Hmm, how about we go home and you get one top?

[Leslie walks out]

Kevin: Oh, baby. Come on now. Now I got to be on top?

Leslie: [yelling] Come on, Jean!

Kevin: Alright, sweety. Well, let me get the bear. We can finish what we started. I’m sorry.

[Kevin carries the life sized teddy bear]

I’m sorry. I know. We made a mess.

Cecily: Did they just take Elain’s gift with them?

Aidy: It’s okay.

Captain Shadow and the Cardinal

Captain Shadow… Kevin Hart

Cardinal… Chris Redd

Police officers… Alex Moffat, Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of robbers robbing a bank’s vault. They’re wearing clown masks.]

Captain Shadow: Hey, fellas!

[ Suddenly two vigilante superheroes come in and beat up all the robbers]

[Cut to Captain Shadow and Cardinal inside their Shadow mobile. They’re wearing masks, superhero costumes and are driving really fast.]

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, we did it, Captain Shadow.

Captain Shadow: But the Killer Clown is still eluded us once again. Let’s hurry back to the shadow cave and inspect this mysterious clue he left behind.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] That sick bastard will never go away with whatever he’s planning. Thanks to us.

Captain Shadow: Don’t get too cocky, Cardinal. The Killer Clown is still– [police siren] Ah! God dammit! It’s the cops.

[Captain Shadow pulls over.]

Alex: [on speaker] Turn off the engine.

Cardinal: They probably just wanna thank us.

Captain Shadow: Yeah, I bet. Look, just be cool and let me do all the talking, okay?

[Alex walks out of his vehicle and approaches Captain Shadow]

Cardinal: Okay. I won’t say a word.

Alex: Good morning, fellas.

Cardinal: Good morning.

Captain Shadow: Uh, hello officer.

Alex: Nice masks. What are you guys? Coming from a party or something?

Captain Shadow: No, sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] But I guess you can say we busted one up, right Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Shut up, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

Alex: Any idea how fast you were going?

Captain Shadow: Uh, I mean, I’m really not sure. 65? 70 maybe?

Alex: Collect you guys at 140.

Captain Shadow: Oh.

Alex: Yeah. License and registration, please sir.

Captain Shadow: It’s me. It’s Captain Shadow. This is my trustee sidekick Cardinal.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] The dynamite two-some. At your service.

Captain Shadow: Hey Cardinal, will you just shut up?

Alex: Okay. I see you’re rappers or something. I still need to see your ID.

Captain Shadow: No. We’re not rappers. And my identity is a secret. So…

Alex: Ah! A secret?

Captain Shadow: Yeah. I’m a crime fighter.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] You really don’t recognize us?

Alex: [to Cardinal] How old are you?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] 16.

Alex: Is that your son?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] No. But we live together in the cave.

Alex: Okay. Out of the car. Let’s go.

Captain Shadow: [getting out of the car] Cardinal, that’s gonna be your biggest setback. You don’t listen.

Alex: Well, do you need help? Get out.

Captain Shadow: Alright.

Alex: Been drinking today?

Captain Shadow: Uh, no sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never drink.

Captain Shadow: Hey!

Alex: Uh-huh. Pretty sweet ride you got. You got fire coming out of the exhaust. I don’t see a license plate on this thing.

Captain Shadow: Yeah. Well, of course, not. It’s the shadow mobile. Alright? I made this car myself.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Yeah. Coz he’s a genius.

Alex: Ay, was I talking to you?

Cardinal: No. But he is.

Alex: [to Captain Shadow] Okay. Hands on the hood.

Captain Shadow: Okay. I really don’t think–

Alex: Let’s go. Common. [Alex starts searching Captain Shadow’s body] Alright. Do you have anything that will stick me?

Captain Shadow: Probably.

Alex: Any weapons or gun?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never use guns. Coz guns are for cowards. Right, Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Will you shut up, Cardinal?

Cardinal: Sure.

Alex: [looking at Captain Shadow’s belt] What is this?

Captain Shadow: It’s my utility belt.

Alex: Yeah. What’s on it?

Captain Shadow: I don’t know. Smoke bomb, gadgets, it’s a lot of–

Alex: Uh-huh.

[Alex takes the belt off of Captain Shadow]

Captain Shadow: This isn’t really necessary. Just call commissioner Morgan. He knows who I am.

Alex: Yeah. teneightyfive, I’m gonna need a car.

Captain Shadow: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Any time a black man wants to do something good for his community, we gotta go through something like this. Every time.

[Alex shows a small packet of cocaine]

Alex: What’s this?

Captain Shadow: What’s what?

Alex: This bag. What’s in it?

Captain Shadow: That’s um– That’s dust. That’s energy dust.

Alex: Oh yeah? Looks little bit like cocaine.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh please!

Captain Shadow: What? It’s not cocaine. It’s like cocaine but it’s different. It’s–

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] He just needs it for energy and courage.

Captain Shadow: Shut your trap.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, what seems to be the problem here? Hey, Captain Shadow? What’s going on, my brother? [takes the packet] What’s this right here? [tastes it] Oh, that’s cocaine.

Captain Shadow: Well, it’s not mine. It’s not mine.

Alex: You said it was your energy dust.

Captain Shadow: Did I say that? But it’s not mine. I probably confiscated it and just forgot about it. Left it in the belt after taking it.

Kenan: Alright, let’s go ahead and get you in some cuffs, buddy.

Captain Shadow: No. We don’t need those.

Kenan: Thank you very much.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, no! Captain Shadow. What should I do?

Captain Shadow: Call my lady. Tell her they got me again, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

[Cardinal runs in the streets wearing his superhero costume.]

[Cut to the newspaper with front page article ‘Capt Bust for the Dust.]

Active Jack

Cecily Strong

Jack Taylor… Kevin Hart

Cindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Old Jack Taylor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Cecily in her set]

Cecily: Thank you for joining us for our annual PBS Pledge Drive. As you know, public television has brought so many wonderful educational shows for our children throughout the years including Active Jack. [Cut to DVD cover of Active Jack] In 1971, [cut to Cecily] long before the push for youth fitness, Active Jack Taylor was getting kids all over the country to get out there and move. And who could forget the classic opening theme.

[Cut to opening theme of Active Jack]

[music playing]

Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. It’s time to get off the couch and get moving. Ha-ha. Can you move? Well, can you groove? Solid! Everyone…

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me

I got lazy, move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
let’s go, up, up, up and down, down, down
one more time, I go up, up, up and down, to the ground

Yeah!

[two girls join Jack Taylor]

Cindy: Hey, Jack.

Dorothy: Hey, Jack.

Jack Taylor: Hey, wad up, girls? Hey. Are y’all ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Cindy: We sure are.

Dorothy: My doctor says exercise is good for me.

Jack Taylor: Oh, yeah. Then let’s get into it. Take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

Cindy: Hey, Jack. What kind of exercise are we gonna do today?

Jack Taylor: Oh, dig this. It’s called the South Philly breakdown, okay?

[Jack Taylor does the exercise. Another guy and a come in dancing to join. Everybody are copying what Jack Taylor is doing.]

Yeah.

Dorothy: Wow. That was way cool, jack.

Jack Taylor: Oh. Well, it ain’t nothing to me. So, get moving. Hah! And be like Active Jack!

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wonderful. And now, we at PBS have a special treat. After 45 years, the cast of Active Jack has agreed to be with us tonight for an exclusive reunion. So, now, performing the theme song, the original cast of Active Jack.

[Cut to Old Jack Taylor turning around. He doesn’t look happy at all.]

[music playing.]

Old Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. Get off the couch. [breathes heavily] Get moving. Ha-ha. Come on. Here we go. [he is barely moving]

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me
I got lazy, move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
here we go, up, up, ouch! and down, down, down
I think I’ll just sit, sit, sit, stay here on the ground.

[Dorothy walks in. She is very old.]

Dorothy: Hi, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Hey, hey, Dorothy. Oh, what happened to Cindy?

Dorothy: Oh, she’s gone, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Why, lord? Well, are you ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Dorothy: My doctor says if I exercise my hip will shatter like a wine glass.

Old Jack Taylor: Well, let’s do it anyway. Come on, let’s take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

[Old Jack Taylor farts] Oh! I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry about that. Let’s just try that South Philly breakdown. Here we go. [doing the exercise] Hey. Hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, ah! Okay, cut it. Cut the music. I popped something. You know what? Kids, do what you want. Smoke, drink, I don’t care. Coz guess what? Everybody dies.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Um, guess we’re gonna cut that a little short. But remember, you can still get all the classic episodes of Active Jack–

[Old Jack Taylor walks in]

Old Jack Taylor: Ay, Willy! Put my town in country round and bring around close. Make sure you turn the heat on.

Za

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Reynolds… Pete Davidson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

James Franco

Delivery boy… Chris Redd

[Starts with Heidi asking questions to Mr. Reynolds in the court]

Heidi: Would you remind the jury again of the make and model of your car?

Mr. Reynolds: Um, yes. I drive a 93, Toyota Corolla.

Heidi: Which witnesses say was never at the scene of the crime. Thank you. No further questions you honor.

Judge: Alright. Very well.

James: Your honor, the prosecution would like to cross examine the witness.

Judge: Well, the floor is your’s, counselor.

James: Mr. Reynolds, would you please remind me one more time about your whereabouts on the night in question.

Mr. Reynolds: Sure. Like I already said, I was at Venny’s having two slices of Za.

James: Ah! That’s what I thought you said. Well, I find that really interesting because I happen to have a menu from Venny’s pizza pizzaria right here. Let’s see if we can find ourselves a couple of slices of Za. [James looks at the menu he has brought] Cheese pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Ham and pineapple pizza. And that’s all she wrote, your honor. I rest my case.

Judge: Counselors, approach the bench.

[Heidi and James walk to Judge]

What the hell is going on?

James: I caught him in a lie. He said he was having Za. But there was no la-ZA-nia (lasagna) on the menu.

Judge: Excuse me?

James: He said he was having Za. But the menu I just read had no la-ZA-nia on it.

Heidi: You now Za is slang for pizza, right?

James: False. It’s lasagna.

Heidi: Your honor. Clearly, my colleague is confused.

James: You don’t make nicknames based on how things are spelled. You make them on how they sound.

Heidi: Even if that was the case, it doesn’t apply here.

James: Your honor, may I elaborate?

Judge: I’ll allow it. But I hope you’re going somewhere with this, counselor. For your sake.

James: It’s la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. See? la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Sa, pizza. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. la-Za-nia. Za. Pizza. Sa. Mr. Williams, what were you eating?

Heidi: I object.

Judge: Overruled. Mr. Williams. Please answer the question.

Mr. Reynolds: Za.

James: Ah! When the young man says he was having Za, he is speaking of lasagna.

Heidi: This is preposterous.

James: It’s not preposterous. [James pulls out a huge board where he has explained the pronunciation of lasagna and pizza.] Look! It’s pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Lasagna. Pizza. Suh.  Lasagna. Za. Za. That’s in lasagna. Not pizza. Because that would be “Suh.” Pizza.

Judge: Counselor, you are playing a dangerous game.

James: [yelling] Your honor, two girls are dead. [throws the board away aggressively] And I’ve pinned killer. This young man, Mr. Za, lasagna, za-nia, za, za, za. Pizza. Suh. Suh, your honor.

Heidi: Your honor. It is pizza, suh. And it is lasagna, za-nia, za. But that has nothing to do with this case.

[a pizza delivery guy enters the court]

Delivery boy: Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a large ‘Suh’ here for Mr. Williams. That’s one large ‘Suh!’

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, right here, dude.

[the crowd goes “Ahh!”]

James: There it is!

Mr. Reynolds: Alright. I admit it. I ordered the ‘Suh’.

James: I knew it. Lasagna, za. Your honor, I re-rest my case.

Judge: Well, in light of these developments, I have found the defendant guilty.

James: And I guess I don’t need this picture of you at the scene of the crime. [James shows a picture of Mr. Reynolds committing the crime]

Heidi: Okay. You had that the whole time?

James: Yeah. I needed some real evidence. I can’t really bank on that Za thing.

Weekend Update_ Cathy Anne on Al Franken

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Catny Anne in his set]

Michael Che: Sexual harassment allegations continue to rock congress with more expected to come. Here to talk about this is a woman who is always screaming outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Catny Anne slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Catny Anne: Hey. Hey. Michael Che. Whoo! Today must be my lucky day.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah? And why is that, Cathy Anne?

Catny Anne: Coz I get to see you and I just came back from the dead.

Michael Che: What? You were actually dead?

Catny Anne: Yeah. Yeah. For 18 minutes. And then I came back for five and dead again for another 21. I met Dirts Michael. He told me to “Please leave him alone.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you’re okay now. So, what do you think about Al Franken resignation?

Catny Anne: You know what? I’m not sure what to think, okay? It’s a confusing time to be a woman. And a drug addict. And a very heavy drinker. It’s really hard coz I like Al Franco (Al Franken). You know? But I guess it’s true what they say. “Don’t meet your heroes.”  It’s kind of like when I met that Tacobell Chihuahua and he tried to bite me in my freaking vagina.

Michael Che: Wow!

Catny Anne: Oh! How is that a wow? Come on. Look. Look. I saw Al Franco’s speech, okay? Here’s what I do know. Why are you gonna resign if you ain’t gonna apologize? And if you ain’t got nothing to apologize for, then why the hell are you resigning? Okay? I didn’t resign from Waffle house coz I wasn’t stealing syrup. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Well, I think he resigned coz the democrats wanted to show that they are a party that takes a stand against sexual harassment.

Catny Anne: Who they trying to show? What? The voters in Alabama? Right! Yeah! Coz if everyone in Alabama just been on the edge of their seats. Wondering what Christian Jellybeans is gonna do about Al Franco.

Michael Che: You seem to know a lot about this stuff.

Catny Anne: Well, I’m kind of a political junkie. And a regular junkie. Right? The point is, the voters in Alabama don’t give a flying foot about Al Franco.

Michael Che: A flying foot?

Catny Anne: Um, you know, when you step in a bear trap and you try to shake it off too hard and your foot goes flying.

Michael Che: Nah, I don’t know about that.

Catny Anne: Oh, well, aren’t you fancy?

Michael Che: Well, Doug Jones seems close to Roy Moore on the polls.

Catny Anne: Oh, oh! Is he doing okay in the polls? Is he? Come on! People lie. Come one! Who wants to admit supporting Roy Moore to a stranger calling him on the phone? Oh, what? Who? Me? Yeah, I’m gonna support paedophile who likes slavery. Come on! That will be like if you call me and you ask, “Hey, Cathy Anne, are you planning on smoking crack again?” And I’ll be like, “How dare you? You have offended my censor-bility (sensibility).” Cut to me in that secret voting booth huffing on hot lot bob high as hell going “Doug, who?” Damn right, they’ll vote for Roy Moore. He gonna win in a land side and I’ll pretend like it just happened over night and I had nothing to do with it, right? Like, crop circles or clogged toilet.

Michael Che: Wait, Cathy Anne. Does this mean that you clogged my toilet again?

Catny Anne: Huh, Michael Che! You have offended my censor-bility.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Catny Anne: [Catny Anne showing an engagement ring on her finger] No, Cathy Anne Che! Tell them eloped.

Michael Che: We eloped. We eloped.

Catny Anne: We’re married.

Weekend Update on Trump Recognizing Jerusalem as Israeli Capital

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, with all the complex issues facing America right now, president Trump decided to relax and solve the much simple problem, the middle east. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week and you’re not gonna believe this, but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the response. He made the announcement and then he just flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion. [Picture changes to Donald Trump walking in front of explosions like in the action movies.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mahmoud Abbas]

Then Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas warned Trump in a phone call that the move would result in dangerous consequences. And it didn’t help. Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas Merry Christmas and asking for extra falafel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Um, look. I don’t know why anybody would try to take sides on middle east conflict unless they’re actually from the middle east. It’s like watching the girlfriend’s parents’ fight. You’re just supposed to quietly nod and say, “Yeah, I hear you.” I don’t know nothing about the middle east. I have one Palestinian friend and every time I ask him about the middle east, he says, “Che, I’m Pakistani.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday, the White House announced that he would undergo a physical exam early next year and the results will be made public. Which sounds great. But I have to ask, will Dr. Muppet be doing it? [Picture changes to Harold Bernstein] Because if he is, someone’s gonna have to shake him out of his ludes coma first.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Also, I’m not really concerned about Trump getting a physical examination. I’m more concerned about some of the mental things that might be happening. Things that make him say things like this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Because these massive tax cuts, we’ll be rocket fuel– [Donald Trump turns around, shakes his head and finger] Little rocket man.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I’m no doctor, but then again, neither is this guy. [picture changes to Harold Bernstein]

[Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shutdown this weekend. So for now, a government shutdown is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up.

[audience laughing]

Then you’ll like this. Three members of congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means. Time to open three more doors on our sexual harassment themed Advent Calendar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Al Franken announces resignation this week in the wake of sexual harassment allegations. And yet, [Picture of a newspaper article that says “Moore ahead by 4 points”] uncle bad touch is up 4 points in Alabama. You see, the democrats hold themselves to a highest standard than anyone else. Which is why they always lose. It’s the same reason that Harvard football team sucks, because you also got to be a rocket scientist to play there. But to play for Alabama, you just got to be able to spell ‘Bama’. Democrats hope by forcing out Franken to step down, they will paint themselves as the party of the moral high ground. Calm down, democrats. You’re still politicians. You’re the party of the morality the same way Don Jr. is the handsome Trump brother. Nobody actually likes you. Nobody likes democrats. Nobody’s at a party like, “Yo, you know who I wish was here? Nancy Pelosi. She’s dope.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying “Go get ’em Roy!” Come on, man! When you’re endorsing an accused child molest, you can’t say “Go get ’em.” This isn’t paedophile pokemon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way, “Go get ’em, Roy!” is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic. [Picture changes to Hot Topic store.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alabama– [laughter] Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting “I think they’re afraid I’m going to take Alabama values to Washington.” No. We’re afraid you’re gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always want to blame their terrible behavior on where they’re from? Like, when a guy whips out his junk on a subway and screams, “Only in New York, baby!” We do not do that, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Duetsche Bank logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Mueller investigation has subpoenaed Duetsche Bank requesting information about president Trump and his family’s finances. And they’ve also subpoenaed the bank Eric uses. [Picture changes to a piggy bank]

[Picture changes to Donald trump and a nine handle candlestand.]

According to a report, president Trump did not invite any democrats to the White House Hanukkah party on Thursday, which is like not inviting any gay people to the Tony awards. It’s not really a good look when the most Jewish person at you Hanukkah party is Ivanka Trump. [Picture changes to Ivanka Trump]