Author: Ajay Kumar

Republican or Not

Benson Dubois… Kenan Thompson

Jim Lee… Simu Liu

Michelle Flynn… Ego Nwodim

Brady… Kyle Mooney

Lacey… Sarah Sherman

Cheney… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: And now it’s time to play Republican or Not? With your host Benson Dubois.

[cut to Benson Dubois in his set]

[cheers and applause]

Benson Dubois: Hello, and welcome to the show. The game is simple. We’re gonna meet some people, and our contestants have to guess whether they’re republican or not. Seems easy, right? Hello, contestants.

Jim Lee: Hi, Benson. I’m Jim Lee. And honestly, this game seems pretty straightforward. So I think I got this.

Benson Dubois: I bet you do. And how about you?

Michelle Flynn: Hello, Benson. I’m Michelle Flynn. I grew up in Ohio. So, I’ve been playing this game my whole life. Kind of an expert.

Benson Dubois: Sure you are. Let’s get started. Let’s bring out our first guest. [Brady walks in] This is Brady. Now he’s gonna make a few statements. Ring in as soon as you’re ready to guess. Republican or not? All right, Brady, give us our first clue.

Brady: I think Facebook is evil.

Jim Lee: Oh, wow. Because they’re spreading disinformation or because they’ve banned Donald Trump?

Benson Dubois: Not so easy, is it?

Jim Lee: Maybe we need another hit.

Benson Dubois: I would say you do.

Brady: I buy all my produce straight from a farm.

Michelle Flynn: Because you want to or because you have to?

Benson Dubois: I don’t know Miss Ohio. You the expert. Keep going Brady.

Brady: I respect pro athletes who stand up for their beliefs.

Jim Lee: Which athletes?

Michelle Flynn: And which beliefs?

Benson Dubois: Who knows? Could be her or him? No guesses? Okay, then give them the last clue. Brady?

Brady: God I hate cops.

[Michelle Flynn presses the ringer]

Michelle Flynn: Okay, he is not a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: Oh, sorry. So close. But no, Brady is indeed a Republican.

Michelle Flynn: But but he said he hates cops.

Benson Dubois: Yes, but he was talking about these cops. [Picture of police holding Trump rally appears on the screen] Well, better luck next round. Let’s Meet Our second guest, Lacey. Lacey came here from Manhattan.

Jim Lee: New York City or Kansas?

Benson Dubois: I can’t say. Start the clock.

Lacey: On Twitter, my pin tweet is “My body my choice.”

Jim Lee: Okay, that’s a trick. She’s talking about vaccines, right?

Benson Dubois: Oh, if we only knew. Another hint Lacey.

Lacey: I support Caitlyn Jenner.

Michelle Flynn: In what way? Politically?

Benson Dubois: [eating popcorn] You’re doing great.

Jim Lee: And give us another clue.

Lacey: Okay. My favorite comic is Dave Chappelle.

Michelle Flynn: Starting when?

Benson Dubois: I love my job. All right, give them another one.

Lacey: Last month I went to a board meeting and complained about a book being taught in my daughter’s school.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Okay, I definitely know that one. She’s a republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No. Sorry.

Jim Lee: What? She was complaining about a book in her kids school.

Benson Dubois: That’s right. And that book, the Bible. Alright, before we bring out our next guest, let’s hear about today’s sponsors. Jimmy!

Male voice: Republican or not is sponsored by the city of Orlando, where Democrats visit and Republicans live. Orlando. Back to you, Benson.

Benson Dubois: Thank you, Jimmy. Alright, let’s bring out our next guest, Liz.

Liz: Good afternoon.

Jim Lee: Is that– I feel like I recognize her.

Benson Dubois: Maybe you do. Start the clock.

Liz: I’m a congresswoman from Wyoming. I’m endorsed by the NRA and have an 80% rating from the American Conservative Union.

Benson Dubois: Nobody wants to ring in?

Michelle Flynn: Yeah, I really want to. It seems so obvious, but this game is weird.

Liz: My name is Liz Cheney. I’m the daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney.

Benson Dubois: She’s the daughter of Dick Cheney.

Michelle Flynn: Okay. Y’all are being real tricky here, aren’t you?

Liz: I’m a Republican.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Republican. She just said she’s a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No, sorry. Again. That is wrong.

Jim Lee: What? How?

Benson Dubois: The Wyoming Republican Party actually voted representative Cheney out this week for opposing Donald Trump.

Liz: But I am a Republican.

Benson Dubois: Ha-ha! You might tell everybody that, but it’s not what other Republicans say. Like it or not, you are the Rachel Dolezal of the Republican Party.

Liz: Well, I don’t care. I’ve been fighting for Republican values all my life.

Benson Dubois: Aw, that is so cute. We will see you on MSNBC in about a week. Let’s take a break. When we come back we’ll find out if these camouflage pants are Republican or not.

Jim Lee: Who’s wearing them? Guy playing paintball or Rihanna?

Benson Dubois: You still don’t get it?

Please Don’t Destroy – Touch Up

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with John looking at their group pictures.]

John: Dude, these look great.

Martin: Yeah, we should post that.

[Ben walks in. His face looks really, really weird]

Ben: What’s up, my dudes?

John: Oh my god!

Martin: Oh no! What happened?

Ben: Oh sorry. I’m late. The bone by the subway. “Damn you see train.” How y’all doing?

John: No. Dude. your face. Did you get botox?

Ben: Oh, you guys can tell?

John: Yes.

Ben: Yeah, just got a little touch up.

John: What?

Martin: So, this was intentional? Not an accident?

Ben: Yeah, figured we’re gonna be on camera a little more. Might as well look my best.

Martin: Ben, you know I love you.

Ben: Love you too.

Martin: You look like you drowned.

John: I feel like I’m at your wake. You look embalmed.

Ben: I asked for the Chalamet. Is that coming through?

Both: No!

Ben: I like it man. I paid top dollar for this thing.

Martin: How much?

Ben: 150 bucks.

Martin: That’s not enough.

John: For full face botox?

Ben: That sucks. I wish there was an undo button for this thing.

John: Your face isn’t even moving when you laugh, dude. This is so bad.

[while John is covering his face, his fingers look way too longer than usual]

Ben: I’m sorry. What did you do?

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: What is with your fingers?

John: Oh yeah, I got some work done myself.

Martin: You got longer fingers?

John: Oh my God. We are not making this about my finger.

Ben: What? You extended them?

John: You know how many YouTube comments there were about how short they were before.

Martin: Well, now you look like the Babadook.

John: Wow, Martin. How about you go shhh.

Martin: Don’t touch my mouth.

Ben: You look like Pan’s Labyrinth.

John: Do I?

Ben: Do this. That’s Pan.

John: Oh yeah. Sure. Fine. But these fingers rock. I feel more confident. I play guitar easier. I can do cool stuff like, “West side”.

Ben: I got botox. I look good.

Martin: You know what? Should I get some work done on my face?

John: No.

Ben: You don’t need it.

Martin: I know. I’m talking about my second face.

[Martin pulls out his wig. There’s a second small face on his scalp.]

Ben: Ew. What is that?

Martin: I know, I know. He needs a nosejob.

John: No. What the hell is it? Does it talk?

Martin: He used to but then I think he died. Okay. This is so toxic. Can we all agree that we’re beautiful on the inside?

Ben: I guess so.

John: Yeah.

Martin’s second face: I agree.

Ben: Who said that?

Martin’s second face: It was me. You guys are beautiful.

New Military Weapon

Major… Simu Liu

Senator… James Austin Johnson

Secretary… Cecily Strong

Scientist… Mikey Day

[Starts with Madam Secretary and Senator visiting the military camp]

Major: Madam Secretary, Senator, thanks for making the time for us.

Secretary: Well, when you allocate $500 million of taxpayer money to develop a new weapon system, you find the time.

Senator: Yeah, we’re eager to see what you’ve been working on.

Major: Of course. My orders in heading this project were clear. Make America the technological leader in the battlefield. But Battlefield has changed, and so must our soldiers.

Secretary: Enough with the foreplay, Major. You’re gonna whip it out or what?

Major: Bit of a crude way to put it, but yes, yes. Imagine a soldier with undying loyalty, built in night vision, supersonic hearing, and the ability to track an enemy sent with Major5,000 times the accuracy of a normal human nose.

Secretary: You’re telling me you’ve made an AI driven robotic soldier with that kind of capability?

Major: Oh, even better. We made this.

[The curtain falls. There’s a guy with dog’s head.]

Secretary: Major, what am I looking at?

Major: Project Domino, subject MajorMajor9 C, also known as dog head man.

Secretary: You put a dog’s head on a human beings body?

Scientist: A dog’s head and neck, ma’am.

Secretary: Okay, and you want to send that thing into active combat?

Major: Oh, absolutely. Dog head man is an extremely well trained battlefield asset. In fact, he can assemble a Tech9 carbine combat rifle faster than any human soldier. Observe.

Scientist: And go dog head man.

[The dog head man can’t even assemble the rifle]

Senator: I just have one question major. Does this thing go to the bathroom on a toilet? Or does it go outside and you got to clean up after it?

Secretary: That’s your one question?

Senator: I think the American people would want to know.

Scientist: And time. [the dog head man has assembled the rifle.] 11 seconds. Good girl, dog head, man.

Secretary: Did you say good girl?

Scientist: Yes, it’s a female dog’s head on a human man’s body?

Major: Shall we begin prepping for mass production?

Secretary: Absolutely not. Where did you even get the parts to make this thing?

Major: Let’s not worry about that. I should also mention that dog had man is trained in over Scientist6 forms of hand to hand combat.

Scientist: I don’t know about you, ma’am. But if I saw this coming at me on the battlefield, if I saw this thing coming at me on the battlefield, I would drop my weapon and run away.

Secretary: Yeah. Well, of course you would. Look at you. Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t think the US military can get behind this project.

Major: How can you say that ma’am? Look at him. That is the finest soldier this country has ever produced.

Secretary: Really? Really major.? You think that thing can handle a high level mission? You think that they could’ve taken Bin Laden?

Major: Oh! Not only what dog head man have taken Bin Laden out. He would have eaten him too.

Secretary: Well, that’s the war crime.

Major: Oh, ma’am, I just don’t think you’re seeing the bigger picture here.

Secretary: I am. And it’s extremely disturbing.

Senator: Yeah, I have to agree. I have to agree. I’m not gonna sign off on this until I know where that thing goes to the bathroom.

Major: Look. If I didn’t believe this would save American lives, I would not have convinced my father to donate his body and his dog to this project. I mean, look what he’s doing right now. He’s defusing a bomb for God’s sake.

Scientist: Dog head man. Dog head man. He’s investigating his own body. It happens. Dog head man.

Secretary: While he’s still eating his sandwich?

Scientist: Good. Good, dog head man. Red wire. Good. He’s cutting the detonator wire first. Good.

Secretary: He’s just licking it.

Major: Ah, whatever. You guys went into this wanting to hate it. So, nothing we could say can change your mind. Guess we’ll close the project down and let China take the lead and dog head man soldiers.

Secretary: Whoa! Whoa! China is working on one of these? Well, why didn’t you say so? Get mass production started immediately.

Major: Oh, yes, ma’am. We’re gonna need to find a lot of animal shelters that look the other way.

Karaoke AllStars

Misty… Chloe Fineman

Rob… Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Neal… Pete Davidson

Finance Guy… Simu Liu

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Wilmington Cable Access. Up next is Karaoke Recap.

[Cut to Karaoke Recap show. Misty and Rob are at the bar singing and dancing.]

Misty: [singing] I found you miss new booty
get it together and bring it back to me.
Whoo!

Hello. Wow, welcome to karaoke recap here at Bixbie’s Bar and Grill in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Rob: Yes, thank you for coming to my bar. It’s been a long week of drunken singing.

Misty: And we’re just going to show you some of the highlights. Some of y’all sounded like a regular Jesse Timbre-cake. I’m your host, Mr. Barefoot, along with Bixbie’s owner Rob, who has an announcement.

Rob: Oh, yeah. Just a reminder. This equipment is rented. Karaoke rule number one, you must respect the microphone. Do not tap the mic. Do not swing the mic. If you drop the mic, I will drop you.

Misty: Thank you, baby. Now it’s time for our favorite segment, karaoke all stars where we look back at the week’s most special performances.

Rob: Let’s start with our bad choice all stars. These are folks who just picked the wrong song.

Misty: First up, Guy who was doing great until the high notes came in.

[Cut to Bowen singing]

Bowen: [singing] take on me oh no

[he sings worse with high notes]

take me up, help me
I’ll be gone

Rob: Let’s not forget woman who’s been overserved singing “Su Soppa Layla”.

Ego: [singing] Su Soppa Layla
Su Soppa Layla
Su Soppa Layla
Su mama mayja

Rob: Isn’t that a little loose with that Mike? If it breaks I gotta go to get a new one from Radio Shack. You know how hard it is to find a Radio Shack these days? A store whose number one seller is wires?

Misty: Oh, Rob. Your little grumpy. Alright, our next Karoake all star is someone who comes here by himself and always does the same song. It’s mad world by Neal, the quite guy in the hoodie.

Neal: [singing very bad] All around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces

Misty: You know, I gotta be honest, that guy’s given off real Columbine vibes.

Rob: Alright. Let’s keep going with our next All Star, guy who must have chosen the wrong song. But wait a second.

Chris: Yo yo, yo, check it
must know the beat y’all
Y’all know what it is, ha-ha-ha

[singing bad] Since you’ve been gone
I can’t breathe for the first time

Misty: Um, man. He was so talented. Man, he was better than Justin Bubay.

Rob: Justin?

Misty: Bubay. You know him? He’s sung that “Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy”.

Rob: Oh, Justin Bieber. Misty, I love you but you’re starting to worry me. Let’s move on to tonight’s cringe all stars.

Misty: Oh, these are the rough ones. Okay. First we have couple who thought it’d be fun to sing like Homer and Marge Simpson.

[Cut to a couple singing line Homer Simpson and Marge Simpson.]

Rob: It’s not really music. It’s not really music. It’s not really comedy. It’s basically nothing. Speaking of nothing, our next all stars are two German tourists trying their best.

[a couple singing in German accent]

Misty: Yeah. I don’t know what they said but I did like her energy. I did.

Rob: Our next cringe all star comes here every weekend straight from the office. It’s finance bro trying to get laid.

Finance Guy: What’s up? This one’s dedicated to all the ladies in the house. I don’t like the song, but I know you do.

[singing] You are my fire
the one desire
believe I make a lot of money, when I say
I began the dogecoin, I want it that way
tell me why…

Misty: I’m gonna say it makes me regret sleeping with him those seven times.

Rob: Alright, time to look back at our cringy all stars, my Pony by Ginuwine sung by a father and daughter.

[Cut to a father and daughter singing]

Daughter: If you’re horny, let’s do it 

Father: Ride it, my pony

Daughter: You’re doing great, dad.

Father: You too, hun.

Rob: Yeah. Um, you can’t unsee that.

Misty: No you can’t. No you can’t. Alright, time for our final karaoke all star. It’s girl who claims her friend signed her up but we all know the truth.

[Cecily walks in acting shy]

Cecily: Jessica? No. Who put my name in? You guys. I don’t even know what song you picked. Are you serious? Jessica? What–

[suddenly begins to sing]

And I will always love you…

Jessica, seriously?

Rob: Well, that’s it. That’s it for this week’s karaoke recap. Take us out Misty.

Misty: [singing] I found you miss new booty
get it together and bring it back to me.

Jeanine Pirro Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Bruce Schroeder… Mikey Day

Sandara Cummings… Chloe Fineman

Samuel Fields… Chris Redd

Kevin McCarthy… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set.]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening, I’m Judge Jeanine Pirro. And if anyone watching is wearing a hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now. On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges. That lovable scamp was put through a nightmare of a trial just for doing the bravest thing any American can do, protecting an empty use car lot in someone else’s town. Now, on to our first guest. He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping harder than anyone. Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.

Bruce Schroeder: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here with a fellow judge.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging my expertise. You may remember that I was in charge of investigating Robert Durst for murder back in 83. Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional murder later we got him. Now, if I may say judge to judge, what turned me on the most was how you ruled that courtroom with an iron fist. Tell us how you did it.

Bruce Schroeder: Well, it was all standard procedure. That’s why I ordered that the prosecution not use the word victims. They were rioters and they weren’t shocked. They were gadoinked! But that did not give my client an unfair advantage in any way.

Jeanine Pirro: You said my client. Do you mean the defendant?

Bruce Schroeder: Oh, yeah, sure. I keep doing it.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, you do you, judge. You do you. Thanks for coming. Predictably, the loony liberal outrage machines in overdrive. And you know how much we love liberal tears around here. So, I decided to invite two of them here tonight. Please welcome legal analysts for nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings, and Professor of Law at Howard University, Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.

Sandara Cummings: We were told you invited us in the interest of fairness.

Jeanine Pirro: And you fell for it. That’s our new dumb dumb. Sandra, were you surprised by yesterday’s verdict?

Sandara Cummings: Surprised that he was exonerated on all charges? That’s putting it mildly. I was shocked.

Samuel Fields: You were? Because I wasn’t.

Sandara Cummings: I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Samuel Fields: I have. Many, many times.

Sandara Cummings: I mean, this is not who we are.

Samuel Fields: I feel like it kinda is though.

Sandara Cummings: And all this does is send the message that any American can just prowl the streets with an AK-47.

Samuel Fields: Any American? I think you’re missing a keyword there.

Sandara Cummings: All we can hope for is that at this point is that this will be a call to finally change the system.

Samuel Fields: And that call will go right to voicemail and the mailbox is full.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Very interesting. Well, your segments’ over and my mug is empty. [the mug has ‘Liberal Tears’ written on it] So, you gotta go. Now on a more inspiring note, Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with his awe inspiring eight hour tirade against the build back better bill, demonstrating why the filibuster is vital to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our six of his rhetorical masterpiece.

[Cut to Kevin McCarthy speaking]

Kevin McCarthy: The Democrats are trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls] Excuse me. Democrats trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again. Excuse me. Flip it around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again] Okay. I could do it before.

Jeanine Pirro: And that brave man stops the build back better bill from being passed u…ntil the next day when it passed in two minutes. Meanwhile, what was President Brandon doing? Getting socialized Buck play paid for by your tax dollars. Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe for his big deal infrastructure bill. But where’s the thanks for the real Muchacho who got this done? Please welcome [pointing at herself] this people’s sexiest man alive, President Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you very much, Jadice. Wonderful to be here.

Jeanine Pirro Now, I know you have a lot of thoughts on the infrastructure bill. So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you riff while I sit here and get absolutely rock hard.

Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m glad you brought up that terrible bill because the truth is nobody did more for infrastructure than me. And meople are saying…  and you know what? Meple of course are people who are me. They’re saying I built it back even… You know what? I think even a little bit better because I did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall. It’s not just well, because when you put wall down through a grassy field, frankly, that’s road. And if you take wall and lay it across the river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. I imagining.

Donald Trump: You know what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock, please? Because this bill is… You know what? Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster. We’re coming back. We’re coming back in 2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay? Everyone loves reboots. People loved it before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay. Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly. But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe Biden tried to reboot Obama and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really bad just like the female Ghostbusters. Speaking of Girl, why did that– Why did they reboot Gossip Girl? Why the hell? You simply can’t match. You cannot match the electricity of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.  You know, there were times when Blair was a bad friend to Serena and sometimes… You know what? This was true. Sometimes Serena was the bad friend of Blair.

Jeanine Pirro: [crushing over Donald Trump] Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.

Donald Trump: Alright. Can I get 60 More seconds? You know what? Why don’t we try a word search this time. Can we make it word search? I’d love it if it was word search. And you know what? I was treated very unfairly by Chris Christie. He was very nasty and he said very nasty things about me on Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris? I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful person. But you know what? We don’t like him very much. I think we hate him. And you know? Boy, Chris wasn’t even the main interview. He had to sit on the panel with all the other dogs and watch bill do the new rules. And you know what? Speaking of new rules, Dua Lipa is one of our best. Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do better than Dua Lipa. But you know what? Her husband, who is not very attractive. You know what? It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua Lipa’s husband not being attractive. We have to do something about it. She’s tall. She’s Albanian which is basically white. And you know who else is white? Bob the Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, we found all the words. And that’s BINGO baby. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night. ladies and gentlemen thank you very much.

 

911 Call

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Alan… Simu Liu

Helen… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[phone ringing]

Ego: 911. What’s your emergency?

Mikey: Oh, yes. Hi. I think I might be dead.

Ego: You think you’re dead? Sir?

Mikey: Yes. I’m at a Friendsgiving party and I smoked some marijuana. And I ODed. And now I’m dying or I believe myself to be dead. So, can you send the hospital to here please?

Ego: Okay, sir. You cannot OD on marijuana.

Mikey: No, but I did because when I breathe, the air goes down into my stomach like food, not like breathing air. So, I believe I’m dying. Will I be like this forever, ma’am.

Cecily: Jesus Christ, Arthur. Who did you call? Hello.

Ego: Hello ma’am. This is 911 Emergency Services.

Cecily: Oh! I am so sorry, miss. Myself and some other professors from Crembly college are having a little get together. And we smoked a joint one of my grad students gave me.

Mikey: You tell her I’m dead?

Cecily: We’re fine. Just some nerdy lit professors who can’t handle their weed. Okay, goodnight huh.

Ego: Good night, ma’am. [phone ringing] 911, What’s your emergency?

Alan: Hello. My name is Alan and I am dead.

Ego: Now, sir, are you at the same Friendsgiving get together with the gentlemen who just called?

Alan: Oh, yes, yes. You must come here, but I’m not where time is. Will, you still be able to come here even though I’m not where time is.

Ego: Well, sir, I promise you you’re fine and you are where time is. Have you ever smoked marijuana before?

Alan: Yes. Once at Counting Crows concert in 1992.

Ego: Okay. So, the weed of today is much stronger. And that’s why you’re having this reaction.

Alan: Oh, are you mad at me?

Ego: No, sir. Is there someone who’s more mellow that I can speak to?

Alan: Oh, yes. Yes. My wife Helen’s right here.

Helen: Yes.

Ego: Is this Alan’s wife?

Helen: Well, I was but I’m dead now.

Ego: Great. Okay, you too.

Helen: Does everyone know we’re high? Do people know?

Ego: I do.

Helen: Oh my god. You guys. Everyone knows. [hangs up the phone]

Ego: Old people gotta stop smoking weed. [phone ringing] Hello, 911. What’s your emergency?

Alan: Yes. Are you still mad at me?

Ego: I never was sir.

Alan: Okay, well, could you please send the hospital to here please?

Ego: Sir, I’ve never done this in my 10 years as a 911 operator, but I’m hanging up on you. Goodnight. [phone ringing] Yes.

[Kenan is speaking from under the table]

Kenan: Yes. Hello, is this 911?

Ego: Yes, sir.

Kenan: Wonderful. Send every ambulance in the world to me, please.

Ego: Did you smoke marijuana at this friendsgiving too?

Kenan: Yes. And my head feels tight on my head. But if I remove it, my ideas and memories will escape. I need help with this. Come now. Thank you. Goodbye.

Ego: Grown adults taking up my damn time. [phone ringing] 911. What’s your emergency?

Cecily: Hi, sweetie.

Ego: Let me guess. You’re dead. I can’t keep taking these calls from you all. There are real emergency we need to deal with.

Cecily: Well, I got one for you. I put a book in the oven instead of a turkey. And now my kitchens on fire. Classic stoner move.

Weekend Update Steve Bannon Indicted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Well, guys, I think the lesson we all learned this week is never break up with Taylor Swift. Or she will sing about you for 10 minutes on national television. At the very least, return the scarf.

[Picture changes to Steve Bannon]

But in real news, I don’t really know what’s real anymore, ex Trump advisor Steve Bannon seen here moments after shooting out of a sewage pipe, sorry, I should use this full name, Stephen K. Bannon, the K stands for three Ks, was indicted this week for contempt of Congress. And convicted Bannon would face up to two years in prison which from the looks of him might be a life sentence.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at right top corner]

Michael Che: Legal experts are saying that Kyle Rittenhouse crying on the stand as he described how he shot his victims will help him with the jury. Man, is there a white tears law school that I don’t know about? I noticed that every time you all get in trouble, you start crying and everything just works out for you whether you’re trying to beat a murder charge or trying to be a Supreme Court justice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jacob Chancellor in Capitol riot at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Prosecutors have asked a judge to send Jacob Chancellor, the January 6 and surgeon known as the QAnon shaman to 51 months in prison. They chose that because five plus one equals six. 666 is the mark of the beast. 6+6+6 is 18, minus 1 for one nation under God equals 17. And the 17th letter of the alphabet is, say it with me, Q. It almost makes too much sense.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Britney Spears at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [to Colin Jost] There’s something wrong with you, man. A judge on Friday officially ended Britney Spears conservatorship after 13 years. Media is very excited that she’s back on her feet so they can knock her right back down again.

[Picture changes to Josh Hawley]

Senator Josh Hawley, whose middle name is “I’m actually” said in a speech that after years of being told their manhood is the problem, men are turning to pornography and video games, which is not true. I also drink.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Elon Must at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Elon Musk sold nearly $5 billion in Tesla stock after he pulled his followers on Twitter and they told him to do it. Which is good news because the polls other option was kill a drifter.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Mask mandate ban violates Americans with disabilities act” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A judge ruled that Texas Governor Greg Abbott’s executive order banning mass mandates in school violate the Americans with disabilities act. Because in Texas, you have to treat the disabled with care and respect until the day you execute them.

[Picture changes to a group of people wearing Santa Claus costumes]

I don’t know why I thought that make you laugh. It was announced that New York City Santa Con, which was cancelled last year will return this December. So, the answer is nothing. The pandemic taught us nothing.

 

Weekend Update StandUp Robot Laughingtosh 3000

Colin Jost

Laughintosh 3000… Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Recently some companies have been using artificial intelligence for artistic pursuits like dance music and painting. Here to comment is a robot programmed to do stand up comedy, Laughintosh 3000.

[Laughintosh slides in]

Laughintosh: Hello, hello, Colin. How are you today? I’m doing well. What a lovely crowd. This is crowd work. Look at this guy. Where are you from, Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m from Staten Island.

Laughintosh: Staten Island. Processing. Processing. Staten Island sucks. Am I right? This was crap work.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah, very, very impressive. That’s great.

Laughintosh: Now, do you want to hear some jokes?

Colin Jost: Sure. Yeah.

Laughintosh: The difference between black people and white–

Colin Jost: [stopping Laughintosh] Okay. Okay. Don’t jump right into that, Laughintosh. What about some impressions? Impressions are fun.

Laughintosh: The impression. Loading. Loading. This is my impression of Instagram. Look at my body. Look at my face. Look at my vacation. Look at my body. This was Instagram.

Colin Jost: It’s a pretty good impression.

Laughintosh: Do you like it. Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Do you have any others any other impressions? Okay. You have any other impressions?

Laughintosh: Yes. This is my impression of Tinder. This is Tinder. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. What’s up, baby? Would you like to have sex tonight? No? Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. This was Tinder.

Colin Jost: Interesting. Wow. So, you date?

Laughintosh: That’s a very sore subject. It’s very hard to date as a robot. My last girlfriend was a GPS. Whenever we had sex, she only wanted to give directions. Go left. Go left. Lower. Lower. Lower. Recalculating. Destination, unreached. This was my lowest Moment.

Colin Jost: Oh, man. It’s okay. You know, you’re here and you’re doing great.

Laughintosh: Well, that couldn’t be worse. I couldn’t be living in Staten Island, baby. Am I right?

Colin Jost: Laughintosh 3000, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost at his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well guys, we are six shows into our new season. Here to tell us how it’s going is one of our new cast members, Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hey, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Hey, Sarah. So, how’s your time with the show been so far?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: What’s not to love? Laughing, comedy, New York City. But I’m not gonna lie, dude. I’ve got some feedback.

Speaker Colin Jost: You got feedback already?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Yeah. And I got a lot of questions about this show. First off, why is it live?

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, the name is show Saturday Night Live.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Don’t you think that’s a little scary, Colin? I could say something right now that could ruin my life and yours.

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, please don’t.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I kind of want to I’m crazy.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t though.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Anything could happen. I can have a nip slip right now.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah, you’re buttoned up to your neck.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: You don’t where my nipples are.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay, like I feel like I know where most people’s nipples are.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hah, do you?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local pervert Colin Jost claims he’s seen most people’s nipples” at left top corner.]

This just pervert Collin Jost claims he seen most people’s nipples. Now, back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s not what I meant.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why is the show on so late? It’s not even Saturday anymore. It’s Sunday. You people are being lied to.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Well, the show starts on Saturday.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Self proclaimed nipple expert Colin Jost caught mansplaining live on TV” at left top corner.]
Wow. In other news, self proclaimed nipple expert mansplaining live on television. Now back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Where are you getting these graphics?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Please stop interrupting me. And another thing. Why is everyone on the cast so freaking good looking? I’m sitting here looking like Chucky went to Saint Lawrence.

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. No, no.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Oh, so you’re saying I’m beautiful? What are you obsessed with me or something?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl” at left top corner.]

Breaking news, local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl.

Speaker Colin Jost: Barely Legal? You’re like, 30.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why aren’t there any Jews on this show?

Speaker Colin Jost: There are a lot of Jewish people on the show including you.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna do it.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t do it.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I’m gonna.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL” at left top corner.]

In other news, local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL. He’s making a list and he’s checking it twice. More on that at 11.

Speaker Colin Jost: It’s way past 11.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why are you guys dressed like that? I mean, nice jacket, Collin. Where’d you get that? The friggin store?

Speaker Colin Jost: I mean, yeah, I got it a store. Yeah.

Michael Che: [laughing hard] She got you, man. You suck. Oh. That’s such a beating.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Michael.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost” at left top corner.]
Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Weekend Update Ebikes Eggnog Seltzer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of e-bike at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that the fastest growing form of electronic vehicle is the E bike which is particularly popular in cities. At this point, experts believe the only thing that could slow these bikes down are car doors.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of University of Cambridge logo at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: Cambridge University in England released the new calendar featuring student athletes naked. Unfortunately, they’re all from the Quidditch team.

[Picture changes to Bud Light Seltzer logo]

Bud Light is releasing a carbonated eggnog flavored drink called seltzer knob. If you want a preview of the taste throw up in your mouth.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Sex on sand dunes cause erosion” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Environmentalists are warning visitors to the Canary Islands that having sex on the sand dunes is causing them to erode faster. Not to mention making them super clumpy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In an effort to end his long standing feud with Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel posted an open letter on Instagram. Of course, for Vin Diesel and open letter is just a “C”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a planet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A chartered plane service in Las Vegas is offering people ride to nowhere so they can have sex in the air. “Oh fun,” said a polar bear and 60 degree weather. These are some dark jokes, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of giraffes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After three giraffes died at the Dallas zoo in less than a month, officials are investigating the deaths are connected. Some are beginning to suspect that this could be the work of notorious serial killer Giraffery Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Appalachian Trail at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An 83 year old man has become the oldest person ever to hike the Appalachian Trail. The man dedicated the walk to his wife who died a few miles back.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of DJ Khalid at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: DJ Kalid announced the new chicken wing delivery service that will use jet skis to offer both side chicken service. Khalad said he came up with the idea with help from his longtime business partner, cocaine.