Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Hailstorm

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Rachel… Heidi Gardner

Jean… Kate McKinnon

Rudolph… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with News Center 5 Albany intro]

[Cut to Ego and Alex at their news set]

Ego: Alright. Welcome back to Center 5 Albany. From the coronavirus to the red onion recall, there’s been a lot of difficult news this year.

Alex: And last night was no exception. When a sudden hailstorm hit the nearby town of Pebble Falls.

[Cut to

Ego: On any other day, Pebble Falls is a quaint town with the motto, “Come fro the ice cream, stay for the big Wooden Nickel”.

Alex: And never did citizens think their town would be the site of a freak once in a century natural event, a massive hailstorm that left them running for cover.

[Cut to Rachel, a local shopper]

Rachel: We’ve had crazy weather before but not like this. They were like golf balls.

[Cut to Jean, Wooden Nickel employee.]

Jean: The hail was coming down from the sky. It was like golf balls.

[Cut to Rudolph who works with Jean.]

Rudolph: And me, I found it to be similar to golf balls.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Wow. That sounds scary. So, what happened?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, I was driving and they started hitting my car.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I was closing up shop at the Wood Nickel which is the place where I work.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And I was helping her because I also work at the Nickel. And then all of a sudden, the skies open up hail out of nowhere.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Now, Jean and Rudolph, it sounds like you had a harrowing experience trying to get indoors.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, that’s right. The hail was coming down so hard and we were grabbing on to each other. We could barely see anything.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And then finally we made it up to Jean’s porch and we looked at each other, and we were standing there and… we kissed. On the lips.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. It sounds like an emotional day. What happened next with the hail?

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Well, at that point, the rain had started. And the water level was rising in the streets.

Rudolph: And I remember talking to Jean and saying, “Jean, we kissed.”

Jean: And we sort of pulled away like… [shocked expression] And I was like, “Okay, that happened.”

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah. And hailstorm wise, at that point, Jean, water was going into your house. Were you scared?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Yes. Oh, my. I was terrified. We were holding each other for safety. And his hand wound up on my breast. And it was a friend’s hand. And then at some point, it became a lover’s hand.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, okay. We are asking about the flood, though.

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Okay. And then a rescue crew came and put blankets on us. And I thought, “I’m under blanket with Jean.” And then she turned around and then, well, that was kiss number two.

Jean: Yes. And I opened my mouth for this one.

Rudolph: You know, if I had a nickel for every time we kissed under that blanket, I would have about 45 cent.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay, yeah. Why don’t we turn back to Rachel. Rachel, how were you affected by the events of yesterday?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, my life was absolutely turned up side down.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. Thank you. Say more.

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, you know, they were both my friends and now they’re kissing? Wow! I mean, I’m not sure how I feel about it but check back with me about that please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, we’re definitely not going to do that. So, Jean, Rudolph, can you give us an update on this aftermath? How are things now?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: We’ve been texting.

[Rudolph walks in]

Rudolph: A lot.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Oh, you’re together.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Oh, well, we’re not together. We haven’t have that conversation yet. It’s kind of hard to have that on television.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yeah, Jean, we’re not asking you to.

[cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: But since you asked us to I guess, [Jean turns to Rudolph] I don’t know. What do you think?

Rudolph: Oh, what do you think?

Jean: Rudolph. Please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Several people in your town are missing. Have you been a part of those search efforts?

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph. They’re looking into each other’s eyes.]

Jean: No. I’m done searching

Rudolph: Yes. We have found what we were looking for.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: And Rudolph, I understand your wife is missing?

Rudolph: Is that right?

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yes. She is.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Probably dead, though.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Okay. Thank you Rudolph and Jean. Two coworkers who found something more.

Ego: Don’t you try that with me.

[Ego and Alex start flirting. Then they lean to kiss.]

DC Morning

Lisa Anderson… Ego Nwodim

Howard Gayle… Dave Chappelle

[Starts with DC Morning intro]

[Cut to Lisa Anderson and Howard Gayle in their set]

Lisa Anderson: Welcome back to DC Morning. Well, it’s the fourth day after the election and even though it’s been called for Joe Biden, there are still lingering questions. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, Howard?

Howard Gayle: It sure is, Lisa. Even though most experts say it’s over, the president’s still claiming fraud and threatening lawsuits all over the country.

Lisa Anderson: And you can feel the sense of desperation at the white house, can’t you?

Howard Gayle: Absolutely. Just remember, once Trump’s terms ends, he’s suddenly a private citizen with no immunity. And he will have to deal with tax fraud investigations from the southern district of New York and well as defamation lawsuit from a woman who claims that he assaulted her.

Lisa Anderson: Well, I mean we hope to have–

[Breaking News sound]

Howard Gayle: Oh, Lisa, I’m sorry to interrupt but there’s some breaking news. It seems the president suddenly left the White House and he’s on the highway. Let’s go to that footage right now live.

[Cut to a video clip of a car driving on a highway]

There’s the president leaving in what appears to be a white Ford Bronco.

Lisa Anderson: President Trump is in there?

Howard Gayle: It appears so. I’m told he’s crouching down in the backseat and Don Jr. is at the wheel. Oh no. Look at this. Looks like there’s at least a dozen police cars following close behind the president right now.

Lisa Anderson: Why don’t they just pull him over?

Howard Gayle: This is a volatile situation. If they spook the president, he could unleash an army of proud boys in flag waving trucks. He’s like Aquaman but instead of fish, he can summon the entire parking lot of a Cracker Barrel.

Lisa Anderson: I’m sorry to interrupt, Howard, but I’ve been told there was nineoneone call placed moments ago from inside the car. Let’s listen to that call.

Police officer: nineoneone, what are you reporting?

Don Jr.: This is Don Jr., I have the president in the car.

Donald Trump: Oh, give me the hamburger.

Police officer: Is everyone alright, sir? You sound frantic. Are you under the influence?

Don Jr.: This is not about me, okay? Right now, we’re okay. But you gotta tell the police to just back off. Tell them to stand down or dad officially starts the campaign for Howard Gayle0Howard Gayle4. My father has the announcement tweet ready to go, he just has to push one button.

Police officer: Alright sir. And what’s your name?

Don Jr.: This is Don. You know who the hell this is, goddammit!

[Cut back to Lisa Anderson and Howard Gayle]

Lisa Anderson: Wow. Wow. This has really taken a desperate turn for the president.

Howard Gayle: It sure has. It’s sad. And he hate to see it. For more than that. You’ll love to see it.

Lisa Anderson: When we come back, Melania Trump announces her plans to get her groove back.

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you all for being here. Pretty incredible day. You know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell but all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather who apparently by all accounts was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was slave for 10 years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children and he learned how to read. He got an MA with education and dedicated his life to three things. Education, freedom of black people and Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut at AME church. There’s a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had. And I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me. Because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started filming a show that bears his name. “Chappelle Show”. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. Yeah. If he could see me now, he probably would be like, “This nigga got bought and sold more than I have.”

This morning after the results came in, I got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “Well, that’s great. But America doesn’t.” Do you guys remember when life was like before covid? I do. Some mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for covid. Someone had to lock these murderous whites up and keep them in the house.

All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So, what I did was I did shows in my neighbor’s corn field. And these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? And the local farmers, my neighbors started to complain that my show were too noisy. At a corn field! Too noisy at a corn field. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in a corn field. It was so embarrassing. And I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough. They don’t know anything. They’re probably watching me right now. They’re probably at home like, “Hon, come quick. Come quick. The guy from the grocery store’s television.” No you big dummy. The guy from the television is at the grocery store. Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. Ever heard of that website, farmersonly.com? Website that begs the question ‘what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers’? That’s gross.

They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting I was just listening. Man, you should have heard them talk about me. They were saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children in bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids were trying to sleep and all they hear is the N word..” I said, “Was I saying it or were you?” He had that twang in his voice. You know that twang when you hear that accent like, “Oh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.”

I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing mask. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to Walmart too. Wear you Klan hood at Walmart so that we can all feel safe. State like Ohio for instance, right? People make more money from the stimulus checks than they do if they work. So, a lot of people don’t want to work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. [talking to an audience] You a black fellow. You young fellow though. You don’t know about Ronald Reagan. Remember Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, welfare people, drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? Stimulus checks, the heroin, and rest of the country is trying to move forward and these white niggas keep holding us back. Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s a it’s oppressive. Try wearing a mask I’ve been wearing all these years. I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people were the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites, come, hurry, quick. Come get your nigga lessons. You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together. It was just white people owning the club, dancing. You ever see that old footage? How did they look? [showing the dance move] You need some black guys to look at you like… [making weird face and shaking head no]

Now, Trump is gone. [cheers and applause] I know a lot of people don’t like him, but I thought that guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I was looking at it like, “Um, there’s bad people on both sides. Alright, just trying them out.” “Call the coronavirus the kung-fu.” I said, “You racist hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that. Not you. That’s wrong when you say it. So, I went on a press conference one time. Donald Trump is a wild guy. You ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “Uh, what about very powerful light directly in the body?” I said, “What? This man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane!” He went further. “Uh, put on some bleach. Bleach directly on your body.” “Oh, boy. Secret service is going to have to childproof the White House now. He’s trying to drink the bleach!” As president, “Don’t touch that stove. It’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house, Mr. President.”

Scariest part about that. When a leading virologist in the world was sitting as close as you are to me and she just watched him say it. It’s crazy. Her face was looking like he might be right. She was like, [nodding head] “Umm.” I saw that. I said, “Ooh! That’s why… That’s why… That’s why women make half.” [audience laughing awkwardly] Did I trigger you? I don’t know what it is. Half? Maybe 70%. Whatever it is, it is too much. [audience laughing awkwardly] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a ‘woke’ meeting in here.

And after all that, you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t it something? When he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news but you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddy Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” This guy was running around like an outbreak monkey. He looked like a 1970s penis raw dogging earth. They actually made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen.” Which is a ridiculous thing. Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t bigger than anybody else’s mask, Mr. President.

Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good healthcare plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. Right in his front yard, helicopter came. Remember that video where he’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one to be around. Usually he’s walking with couple of bunch of other people. No one’s around this time because he had the rona. Had his mask on then, didn’t he. We was walking. Helicopter took him to Walter Reede hospital. I’m from DC and I got to tell you. Walter Reede is not close to the White House. But you could walk. Team of doctors is waiting for him. Doctors came around. Gave me experimental medicine and stuff. Flew back home in helicopter and then he walked right up the steps. You ever seen his video? He took his mask off and saluted helicopter. And then walked right in the house, killed four more people. I said, “$700.50 in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir?” Some cold stuff, man. Some cold stuff. That would be like me going to a homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and say, “These is mine’s”, and then just start eating in front of all the homeless. [chewing] “Don’t let hunger dictate your life.” That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie’s fat ass was in the ICU fighting for his life. Chris Christie got all the symptoms. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that was in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, “Ummm-ummm.”

Herman Cain’s black ass has been dead for two weeks. Where was his secret cerom? That’s your leader. Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man! And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but been a black a longtime, I’ve known this badder.

But if you’re a good white, you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. It’s my plan. It’s called the ‘Kindness Conspiracy’. Just random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. It’s very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years, they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black and they didn’t deserve it. If you’re driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on a corner selling crack, destroying his community, buy him an ice cream. Just buy him an ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it.

I would employ everybody who’s celebrating the day to remember it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago. Remember how bad that felt? Remember half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t, let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them, oh man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest fight through. You have to find a way to live your life. You have to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that, come get these nigga lessons. Thank you very much and goodnight.

Biden Victory Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

John King… Alex Moffat

Joe Biden… Jim Carey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Tump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with CNN Election Night intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer at his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to what has become election week in America. I’m Wolf Blitzer and I have been awake so long that my weird beard finally makes sense. I’m joined by John King who has been operating our touch screen for the past 85 hours.

[Cut to John King]

How are you John?

John King: Oh, I’m great, Wolf. Thanks. My fingers are knobs, but I think that’s normal. [John King shows his fingers. He has no fingers.]

Wolf Blitzer: And for the folks at home who’ve been obsessively watching cable news all week. We’ve been teasing a big announcement and today it’s finally here. CNN can now project that Joe Biden will be the next president president of the Unites States. [cheers and applause] I know I’m supposed to be a neutral news anchor but god dammit that feels good. Whoo!

[Wolf Blitzer and John King do high-five.]

We go now live to president elect Biden who is taking the stage in Wilmington, Delaware.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, America. We did it. Can you believe it? I honestly kind of can’t. It’s been so long since something good happened. Sure it took forever. We kept edging close and closer. It was like having sex with Sting. What a release, man! I’ve never felt so alive. Which is ironic because I’m not that alive. And look, as I’ve said many times, I don’t care whether you voted for me or not. I’m going to be president for all Americans. That’s right. Whether you’re from a liberal state like California, or a conservative state like Oklahoma, or a cracked out hot mess like Florida, I will be your president. And I will have an incredible VP at my side. Senator Kamala Harris.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

[cheers and applause]

I said it right?

Kamala Harris: Yes. You got it, Joe. Thank you, everybody. Like Joe, I am humbled and honored to be the first female– [cheers and applause] Yes, the first female, the first black, [cheers and applause] the first Indian-American, [cheers and applause] and the first bi-racial vice president. And if any of that terrifies you, well I don’t give a font. Also, my husband will be the first second gentleman, and he’s Jewish. So, between us, we checked more boxes than a disqualified ballot. And to all the little black and brown girls watching right now, I just want to say this. The reason your mom is laughing so much tonight is because she’s drunk. And the reason she’s crying is because she’s drunk. Your mom is going to switch from laughing to crying to dancing pretty much all night. And it’s not because she’s crazy, it’s coz she’s drunk.
Joe Biden: Tonight, we’re not going to stand here and gloat.

Kamala Harris: Well, maybe–

Joe Biden: We’re not rubbing our victory in everybody’s face.

Kamala Harris: But like, just a tiny bit?

Joe Biden: We’re humbly accepting this victory.

Kamala Harris: Exactly, and I’m just going to play a quick song on my phone.

[Kamala Harris plays a song that says “You about to lose Donald Trump”. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris start dancing.]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright. Hold that dance for just a moment because people don’t just want to see Biden and Kamala happy, they also want to see Trump sad. So, let’s check in on the president’s concession speech which I’m sure will be gracious and factual.

[Cut to Donald Tump in the White House]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Tump: Good evening. Thank you. Thank you for coming to watch my victory speech tonight. As anyone who died halfway through Tuesday knows, I was reelected president of the United States. But of course they’re trying to steal the election away from me. Come on, let’s hear it. Stop the count! Stop the count!

[Kellyanne Conway walks in and whispers on Donald Tump’s ear]

What’s that? I’m behind? Okay, then count all the votes! Count all the votes! Every last votes! But we all know this election was rigged. Just look at the map. There was no blue wave. It was a red wave across the whole country.

[Kellyanne Conway pulls in a map. The whole USA map is marked red but it’s for the covid-Wolf Blitzer9 cases.]

Show them the map, Kelly. See? So much red. So much red.

Kellyanne Conway: Oops! Sorry, this is the covid map.

Donald Tump: Okay, the map’s not important, okay? Put the map away! No one wants to see the map. Thank you, Kelly. The fact is I was winning on Tuesday. Then they started whittling it away my votes, whittling them down until there was only a wittle bit weft. But I vow to all my supporters, I will fight this thing to the bitter end. I will never give up and neither should you.

[Donald Tump walks towards a piano]

Hey. Let me remind all of you who I really am.

[music playing]

[singing] Ae, ae, macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man
macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man

And this isn’t goodbye, America. I’m just going to say, see you in court!

[Cut to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Well, unlike President Trump, we do accept the results of this election.

Joe Biden: We’re not mad at them. We have to act graciously at victory though. We need to go forward together. Unfortunately, there are situations in life and this is one of them. Well, there must be a winner and … [mocking] llllllloser! lllooo… ser!!

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Donald Tump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Trump’s Final 2020 Election Message

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, the election guys, it’s three days away. And after all this time, Trump I think has finally found a winning message.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, our doctors get more money if somebody dies from covid. You know that, right?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s our president recently saved by doctors saying doctors want more covid for money. Which makes me think Trump only survive covid so he wouldn’t have to pay his doctors. Unfortunately, Trump’s gaslighting isn’t quite enough to keep you warm because multiple Trump supporters who were stranded at a freezing cold rally in Nebraska were hospitalized with hypothermia. I assume because Trump told them that jackets don’t work. But don’t worry, the president isn’t trying to kill his supporters. He’s actually succeeding at killing his supporters. According to a study, over 30,000 covid cases and 700 deaths have been tied directly to Trump rallies. That means he’s officially killed more people across the midwest than Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy combined. Which is also kind of what Trump looks like. In the end, I guess that Trump was right, that he is not a typical politician since politicians don’t typically spend the last week of the election murdering their own voters.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lil’ Wayne at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lil’ Wayne met with President Trump this week to discuss Trump’s fubu platinum plan for the black community. I don’t know what it’s actually called. Many are surprised by Lil’ Wayne’s endorsements of Trump but keep in mind, Lil’ Wayne puts cough syrup in his sprite. So… Look, it’s weird that I have to tell politicians this but rappers are not black leaders. They’re just rappers. Stop negotiating with them. They only do this with black people. I’ve never saw a candidate talking to Gilbert Godfrey about what to do in Israel. That’d be insulting, right? Plus, rappers are just way too busy to be leaders anyway. I love Ice Cube, but you know how many jobs he has on top of negotiating for black people? You know why Malcolm and Martin were such great leaders? Because they weren’t also working on BarberShop4.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and a map of Georgia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that Joe Biden could win in Georgia if he can assemble a coalition of black voters, white women and rural voters. So, basically, The Voice. [Picture changes to the musical show ‘The Voice’.]

[Picture changes to Jared Kushner]

Jared Kushner who always looks like a child dressed up for a funeral, Jared said Monday that black Americans have to want to help themselves if they want to be successful. Yeah, I don’t know if I trust a guy who thinks the black experience is the highest tier in American Express.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a check-box with “vote” written on it at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Hey, I don’t know what’s going to happen with this election. The tension is just killing me. I don’t know what this world’s going to be after Tuesday. I may never see you again, Colin. I mean, we might both get drafted in the race war. It’s not fair. You just married Scarlett Johansson and I just bought an electric bike. We’re both doing equally great. I feel like the band on the Titanic. Everything’s just going bad and I’m up here trying to do jokes like, “”Hey, did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?”

Colin Jost: Wait, what about the constipated accountant?

Michael Che: Oh. He couldn’t budge it. So, he had to work it out with a pencil. It’s a kid’s joke. You never heard that? Alright, whatever, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Now, again guys, the election is only three days and I’m a little worried. Mainly because of that Che’s joke. But all I think and believe is that we cannot do another four years of Trump. It is too much. Everyday, I wake up after two hours of sleep and I google “America still democracy?” Even if you like Trump, at this point, you have to be exhausted. Remember that friend you had who at 4AM would be like, “Yeah, where are we going next?” And you’re like, “This is fun, but if I keep hanging out with this dude, I’m gonna die.” Right now, it feels like Trump wants us all to do another bump from whatever he’s got from his muppet doctor and just sort of see where the night takes us. I don’t know about you guys, but I think this time I am calling a designated driver. [picture changes to Joe Biden] And I just really hope he also brings this guy with him.

[Cut to a video clip of Barack Obama scoring a 3 pointer in basketball.]

Barack Obama: That’s what I do.

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Season 2 of The Mandalorian

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: In a break from election news, season 2 of “The Mandolorian” premiered on Disney Plus on Friday. Here to discuss it is the star of the show, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: I’m back. What?

Michael Che: Wow. Well, it’s really good to see you, Baby Yoda. How have you been?

Baby Yoda: I’ve been good. I spent the summer quarantining with my homies Jake Paul, Mia Khalifa and Wreck-It Ralph. Nice dude. Real nice dude. But you know, it was chill. I mean, I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Well, that’s good. “The Mandolorian” is back. That’s pretty exciting. Sounds like it’s going to be a good season.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. But shout out to the writers. I mean they mad awkward to be around. But they come up with some Fuego ideas, bro. I just wish they’d let me dance a little more. You know what I’m saying? Like, [dancing] hey, hey.

Michael Che: Yeah. It doesn’t seem like that kind of show.

Baby Yoda: No. The idea is no. But to my fans, I love y’all. For real. But some of y’all can maybe take it easy on those DMs though. I mean I read some of these. I’m like, “Dang! You wanna do what to Baby Yoda?” You know, that’s all– that’s interesting. They’re sexual in nature, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I got that. Well, it sounds like you’re definitely a fan favorite.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. You know, things are kind of blowing up. You might have heard me on a Joe Rogan’s podcast. Talking about my new line of cannabis products. That was a chill five hours.

Michael Che: Oh, damn. Baby Yoda, you really do smoke weed?

Baby Yoda: Oh, hell yeah. Hey, how do you think I got so green? No, but for real, we selling them Dago-bud, Wookie Cookies, and CBD kombucha called Jabba the Kombucha.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. It’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: But Michael, since I have this platform, I do want to say something real quick.

Michael Che: By all means.

Baby Yoda: I’ma put it like this. Baby Groot, we ain’t friends. I know you still talking smack about me and I just want to say your TikToks are cringe, bro. Dylan Sprouse hit me up like, “Yo, you see this?” I was like, “Yup.” But honestly, it’s all love. I’m not a hater. But if you say my name one more time, I’ll kill you.

Michael Che: Wow. Baby Yoda, everyone. Oh my god.

Weekend Update- Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed & Halloween Robot

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Twitter logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter is launching a program to ‘pre-bunk’ misinformation posted on the site. But I don’t know. They taught us in health class that even ‘pre-bunk’ can get you pregnant.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says ‘Confirmed by senate along party lines’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow. The senate voted to confirm Justice Amy Coney Barrett along party lines. Party lines is also what Don Jr. does to prepare for interviews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panera Bread logo and a pizza at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Panera announced that it’s adding pizza to it’s menu, which is a kind of fun story your aunt would have posted on Facebook before their algorithms made her a white supremacist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Department logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New York city police officer was suspended after he used his loud to yell “Trump 2020”. According to NYPD guidelines, Cops can only whisper “Trump 2020” as they choke someone out. I thought that was a fun one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bud Light seltzers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But Light has introduced new flavors of it’s hard seltzers for the holiday season including apple crisp, peppermint paddy and ginger snap. Though it’s hard to taste the flavor when you’re so drunk, you reach for a Bud Light peppermint paddy. And hey guys, fun tip, you can also make your own Bud Light peppermint paddy at home by combining Scope and Vodka.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron Jeremy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Prosecutors have seven additional counts of sexual assault against porn star Ron Jeremy, who now faces a possible 300 years in prison. But, if anyone can last that long, it’s Ron Jeremy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “man builds robot to hand out candy”.]

Colin Jost: And guys, a man in Texas built a robot to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. He calls it “The sex offender loophole 3000”. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

New York PSA

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

The old lady… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of New York city]

Ego: Thank you, New York.

Heidi: New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: Things got pretty tough this summer.

Heidi: But through it all, we stayed strong.

Chris: We stayed together.

Ego: And we never lost who we are.

Heidi: Because we are New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: New York.

Heidi: And no matter how hard things get…

Chris: We always get through it.

[A woman starts appearing in all clips dancing at the background]

Ego: And we do it our way.

Heidi: Each and every one of us played a part.

Chris: From the nurses who who kept the safe.

Ego: To the essential workers who kept food on our table.

Heidi: To all the neighbors who pitched in.

Chris: And today, some things are different.

Ego: But most things are exactly the same.

Heidi: Beautiful.

Chris: Unbreakable.

Ego: One of a kind

Chris: So, hey, if you’re not from here, come see for yourself.

Ego: The museums, the landmarks–

Heidi: And this lady. [The lady who was dancing is now laying in the park topless.] Sort of a dancing old woman.

Chris: Not homeless. Just, you know, quirky. She has an apartment. She’s just usually outside.

Ego: Like a rent controlled situation. She lives in a 40-floor-walk up. So, when she’s out, she’s out.

Heidi: She has lived in a studio since she was 16 which was 30 or 100 years ago.

Chris: She’s not not a professor at Columbia.

Ego: And until broadway reopens, she’s performing her one woman version of ‘The Lion King’ at the park everyday.

Heidi: New York is not a ghost town.

Chris: It’s his town. It’s her town.

Ego: And it’s definitely her town. [referring to the old lady]

Heidi: So, today, we want to say thank you.

Ego: Thank you.

Chris: Because New York will always be New York.

Heidi: And we’re so proud to say…

Ego: The people just crazy enough to call this place home will always be here.

The old lady: I love New York!

New York Musical

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Chris Redd

Minion… Kenan Thompson

Minnie Mouse.. Melissa Villaseñor

Elsa… Lauren Holt

Shrimp Louie… Kate McKinnon

Statue of liberty… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with three guys in Big Nick’s Souvenirs store]

Pete: Hey, man. How is business?

John: At the souvenir store in Time Square during the pandemic? It’s not great.

Chris: Alright. Well, then I’ll buy two of those snow globes.

John: Wow, thank you. That’s gonna really put me over the top, buddy.

Pete: I’ll take that photo of you with your kids.

John: That’s a personal item. Not for sale.

Pete: Oh, okay. Then I’ll buy that I heart New York underwear.

John: What was that?

Pete: Those briefs those announce how much I love New York. I’ll take em’.

Chris: You’re buying an underwear from souvenir store in Time Square? They’re not even wrapped.

Pete: So what? I like to show my support for the city.

John: Kid, you sure you want to buy the underpants?

Pete: Actually, you’re right. I should try em’ on first.

Chris: Whoa! Try them on?

John: You want to take these pair of unwashed ‘I love New York’ underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?

Pete: Yeah. Do you have a fitting room or something.

John: Yeah, sure. We have a fitting room. Hey Time Square minion, why don’t you show this guy the back of the store where the people of Time Square habitate?

[music playing]

[The minion opens the wall door. There are other characters inside.]

Minion: [singing] Mascots be shady tonight

John: Minnie and Elsa will fight

The characters: If you take a selfie then you better give us money

Minion: Or I’ll show your daughter a knife

John: So, after seeing that, do you still want to buy the underwear?

Pete: Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest balls to show that.

Minion: Of all the items in this store, you see you made

one great miscalculation buying filthy underwear

John: Bugs with no hesitation
will nesten your pubic hair

Minnie Mouse: One million novelty items
and he chose those

Elsa: It’d be like shopping at RB’s for pantyhose

Minion: One skid mark on the inside
that’s not the only stain I see

John: You’ll probably get an STD
so run, son

All: You would have to be psychotic
or take some strong antibiotic
don’t buy those

John: Great work.

Pete: Dude, things seem really bad even for Time Square.

Chris: Yeah. When do you think things are gonna bounce back?

[Shrimp Louie walks in]

Shrimp Louie: That’s what I want to know.

John: Oh. Shrimp Louie, the bubbagum shrimp mascot. I can’t belive you’re still here, darling.

Shrimp Louie: Where have they gone?
the tourists who came
who will eat up on my shrimp pad
with spiked lemonade?
send in the crowd
those confused German crowd

Minion: We missed TKTS
and bad seats for cheap

Shrimp Louie: Even Tim Horton’s has closed Canadians weep

All: Where are the crowds

Minion: I can’t group without crowds

Chris: Ahem! I see one guy across the street with binoculars.

John: Oh, that’s not a tourist. That’s the diddler on the roof.

[The diddler slides in on a table. His pants are off and he has binoculars.]

Diddler: Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, strip off your clothes, no one will know
Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, peek through my lens, and polish my uncut gems

Pete: This must be why everyone’s moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one room shacks for $900,000.

[Statue of Liberty walks in]

Liberty Statue: Fools! You don’t give up on my city that easy.

I lived through warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
and I’m here
danced for the 86 mets and broke my ankle
but I’m here
I lived through Time Square filled with whores
now they’re on Sex in the City tours
my first apartment was a drawer
but I’m here
I’ve been to nobo noho and CBGB
and I’m here
Once on the pat train I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
and I’m here
stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I knew son of Sam the dog could talk
I do the marathon but I walk
and I’m here
look who’s here
I’m still here

John: Oh no, look who’s coming our way, that woman from West Chester and she has visible covid.

[Cut to a woman walking by sneezing]

The woman: The minute I coughed at the press
I knew that new Rochelle would try and pin the blame on me
super-spreader
spread a little rona with me

Pete: We gotta get away from her.

John: Don’t worry. That homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off.

[The homeless man walks in. The woman is scared of her.]

Homeless man: Where is Rick Moranis?

The woman: [screaming] Ah!

John: Get out of my store.

Chris: Man, this place is nuts. I’d move somewhere else but the whole country is crazy.

John: I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Move. [moving Pete away and showing the underwear that he wanted] Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Do you realize America is like these underpants? Because–

Diddler: I get it.

John: I know you get it. But let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease. But they still stand for something. Love. That’s why I didn’t want to sell them. Because they give me hope.

Minion: And I am specially hopeful now because we only have three days more.

John: Three more days to the election,
but the results may take months
it feels longer than the Irishmen
bot that movie needed cut

All: Three more days of Instagramming
thirsty selfies that say more

Liberty Statue: Prepare for the worst, so just please make it fast

All: November 3rd, election day,
November 3rd’s not far away
November 3rd on Wednesday or a Tuesday, I’m not sure
I don’t vote
what’s the point
It’s New York

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fourth time. Thank you. It’s the most anyone has ever hosted. Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this. Thank you to everyone here who did so much work to make something happen because nothing had been happening for so long. We all really appreciate it. My name is John Mulaney. I am a comedian, or as I like to call us ‘The last responders’.

I live in New York city. I love New York city. And I love that you’re all wearing masks. But I’m a little sad about masks in New York city because it prevents you from over hearing conversations on the streets and that is one of the city’s greatest joys. Just before covid hit, this was in December, I was downtown. I was on West 12th street. And I was walking downtown and I was on West 12th. I’m walking this way and this guy is walking towards me. And he’s on his cellphone. And we’re both downtown. And as he walks pass me, I hear him go, “No, no, no, I can’t meet right now. I’m way up town.” And then he looked at me and he winked and he kept walking. He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever seen in my life.

A lot of people were binge watching shows during quarantine. I watched the series that I absolutely loved. It was an hour long dramady called ‘The Daily Press Conferences of Governor Andrew Cuomo’. Yes. He’s great. It told the story of an Italian American father who after being an empty nester finds himself quarantining with his two daughters. High Jinks Ensue. But he learns a lot about being a father and a little it about being a governor. I loved those press conferences. He would walk out everyday a little too excited and he’d sit down and go, “Today is Tuesday.” A hint of pride that he remembered the day as if back stage, one of his gibronis was like, “There’s no way you’re remembering the day.” “You watch me.” He’d get out there and he’d start his rhythm. It would be like, “We are New York though. And we are New York though because we are New York strong. And we are New York strong because we are New York kind.” He was talking like Smurf language after a while. “New Yorkliness is very New York to New Yorkers.” What Cuomo did what was brilliant was that he tried to relate to us with his own problems. Like, sometimes, he’s be talking about a situation we were all going through. And it was clearly just some stuff going down in the Cuomo household at that moment. He’d be like, “I know. We’re all trying to figure this out. Let’s say your brother’s wife wants to take the kids to see grandma. You go, ‘They can’t see grandma. Grandma is vulnerable. She’s elderly.’ But she says, ‘Well, what if the kids come halfway in the house and she stays in the other side of the kitchen?’ I’m going, ‘It’s airborne, this thing. You can’t have grandma even in the kitchen.’ She says, ‘Well, it’s important for the kids to see their grandma.’ I go, ‘you gavone bitch, if you bring your kids even into the mud room of my mother’s house, I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways.'”

I am worried that when the coronavirus is over, that Cuomo won’t realize that his show is over. Like, I’m scared he’ll take it on the road and try to play stadiums and come out and be like, “Hey, who wants to hear about my daughter’s boyfriend?” And everyone’s like, “Play covid!” And by the way, he’s not even the least weird– He’s our least weird politician in America. He’s on like, 45 of the weird ones. I’m supposed to make an announcement. On November 3rd, there is an elderly men contest. There’s two elderly men and you’e supposed to choose your favorite of the two elderly men. You can put it in the mail or you can go and write down which elderly man you like. And then we’ll add them all up. And then we might have the same elderly man or we might have a new elderly man. But just rest assured, no matter what happens, nothing much will change in the United States. The rich will continue to prosper while the poor languish. Families will be upended by mental illness and drug addiction. Jane Lynch will continue to book lots of projects. When she does, she will deliver. She is so good at being on TV. Very good. That will continue. But there will be problems. There will be sleepovers where five of the girls gang up on one of the girls and they bully the girl. And the girl they’re bullying, the girl having the sleepover didn’t even want to invite but her mom made her, and that’s really the root of the tension. They bully her until she’s crying and then she wants to go home. So the parents of the girl having the sleepover have to call the unpopular girl’s parents and say, “Can you come pick her up?” And then there’s that moment where the dad has to sit at like, the dining room table while they wait for the pick up and he’s in pajamas and the outcast is in her winter coat looking kind of stoic. They have nothing to talk about. So, he tries to apologize for the fact that his daughter is a bitch. He kind of implies that she gets it from the wife. All of that will still continue. It is America. But you should vote. You got to vote. Vote as many times as you can. Vote. Fill in every circle, every dot they have, fill them in. And if a page says, “This page was intentionally left blank”, you write whatever you want on that. That’s your space as an American.

Now, my Nana is going to vote and she’s 94 years old. [cheers and applause] Oh! Yes. Do you applaud for things that you don’t think are a good idea? Listen, this is my opinion. I don’t think it’s going to be that popular. Why don’t we shut the doors so no one hears it? I don’t think maybe she should vote. You know, you don’t get to vote when you’re 94 years old! You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant. I’m sorry, that joke is agist. That is wrong. It is wrong to say one age group is better than another. That would be like calling yourselves the greatest generation. “Oh, we fought the Nazis!” “Well, we’re trying to fight the new Nazis if you’d get out of the way and stop voting for people you saw in between coin collector commercial.”

Listen, but I love my grandma. I love my Nana. When you’re a kid, you just love your grandma just totally. And as you get older, you start to wonder about her relationship with her mother. You’re like, “Why does that old lady make mom so nervous? Something must have happened there.” But my nana is a great eccentric wonderful person. I’ll tell you a story. When she was 88 years old, she didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She was still driving at 88. That’s not even a point of the story. She didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She thought it was unflattering. And I take her side in this. I also thought it was unflattering mainly because it was a photo of an 88 year old woman. So, her plan was this. She was going to go to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and tell them that she lost her license. So, she went to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and she said, “I lost my license and I need a new license and a new photo.” And the guy there said, “Do you have any proof of ID?” And she took out her license. And then as she told me, “We stared at each other for a moment. And then I said, ‘You’ve caught me in a lie’, and I took my license and left.”

I couple of summers ago, I was with my nana. It was a family reunion and I had to walk her to her car after like I had to. Not like when you walk a bridesmaid and there’s no stakes. I had to hold her up. So, I walked her to her car. She’s got like, a brown grey car. No brand. I think the government gave it to her. And we get to the car door and she opens it and she looks at me and she says, “You know, I used to be Carolyn Stanton. But now, everyone says I’m John Mulaney’s grandmother. Well, I want you to know that if I wasn’t your grandmother, I wouldn’t know who you are. Sorry.” And then she drove off.

We have a great show for you tonight. The Strokes are here, ladies and gentlemen. Stick around. We’re going to be right back.