SNL Tonight

Weekend Update- Tennessee Lt. Gov. Randy McNally on Gay Instagram Thirst Traps

Colin Jost

Randy McNally… Molly Kearney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Tennessee Lieutenant Governor Randy McNally was caught using his verified Instagram account to engage with provocative photos of a young gay man. Here to comment is Lieutenant Governor Randy McNally.

[Randy McNally slides in]

Randy McNally:  Sorry I’m late. I spent all day printing out map quest directions.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Map quest?

Randy McNally: Yes, I don’t know if you noticed, but I am not good at the internet.

Colin Jost: Yeah, right. So Randy, you’re a married man who supports Tennessee’s anti drag laws. Can you explain why you commented on a thirst trap saying “You can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine?”

Randy McNally: Well, I didn’t think people would find out because I used to screen name.

Colin Jost: Oh, what is the screen name?

Randy McNally: Lieutenant Governor McNally.

Colin Jost: Randy, do you see how this could be a problem? And also I want to find out you commented three hearts and three fire emojis on this naked photo of the same young gay man.

Randy McNally: Well Colin, I don’t discriminate. I comment on photos of all their orientations. Orientations like from the side, from the front, from the back. There does not have to be a  butt, but it helps. Whenever the photo, it’s my job to encourage my constituents.

Colin Jost: Right. No, I think there’s just maybe some confusion about your beliefs.

Randy McNally: Colin, I stand by my traditional values. I believe a woman should be in the home and a man should be Colin Jost43 pounds dancing to Dua Lipa.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Yes, you’re very, very cute, but you are claiming these interactions are innocent, but it does not look good.

Randy McNally: Colin. I’m just looking out for the little guy Joe Average. Every Tom Dick and hairless.

Colin Jost: I think so the people of Tennessee feel misled.

Randy McNally: Oh, Colin. It’s no big deal. I’m just looking. Looking at pictures on Zillow doesn’t make me a homeowner, although I have done a few 3d tours.

Colin Jost: Okay. Randy-

Randy McNally: Randy by name, Randy by nature.

Colin Jost: Why are you interacting with these young man? Why?

Randy McNally: Because I’m talking to voters or people who could vote in the future. I’m a proud conservative. I respect police officers, firefighters and any man who puts his body online for others.

Colin Jost: Do you mean on the line for others?

Randy McNally: What did I say? By the way, any chance you can put me out another map quest? I’m trying to get to flaming saddles.

Colin Jost: Alright. Randy, folks are calling you a hypocrite for endorsing anti LGBTQ laws while seeming to enjoy queer content.

Randy McNally: Well, Colin, what do you want me to say? I’m a hypocrite that I was flirting with the 20 year old dancing around in his fine washables. That I made it legal to have guns in libraries but not drag queens? That I publicly hate things that I secretly like? Both Republicans and Democrats are telling me to get off Instagram. And guess what? I will, because I forgot my password.

Colin Jost: Randy McNally, everyone.

Randy McNally: Make me a flaming saddle.

Weekend Update- New York City Rats Carry COVID, Berlin’s Topless Pools

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man plans to live underwater for 100 days.”]

Michael Che: A deep sea diver has announced plans to set a new record by living underwater for 100 days. “Feel like the record is longer than that,” said the people of New Orleans. I don’t know why I thought that would makes me laugh.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man surprised at door by alligator.”

Colin Jost: A man in Florida said he was surprised when you heard a knock at the door and it turned out to be an alligator. Even more surprising, it was doing the thing from Love Actually.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Women allowed to be topless at pools.”]

Officials in Berlin announced that women will now be allowed to go topless at the city’s pools. But officials also said to be aware it’s not going to be the ones you want.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of  an article that says “Half of population overweight by 2035.”

Michael Che: According to a new report, by 2035, more than half of the world’s population will be just how I like them.

[Picture changes to  an article that says “Woman meets great-great-great grandchild.”]

A photo has gone viral of a 98 year old woman in Kentucky meeting her first great-great-great grandchild. Well, I wish I had gotten to meet my great-great-great grandmother so I could have told her “Don’t get on that boat.” I even tried acting during that one, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of oranges, TikTok logo and shower.]

Colin Jost: There is a trend on TikTok of people eating oranges and showers claiming that it reduces stress and anxiety. But if you’re comfortable filming yourself eating in the shower, I would argue you don’t have enough anxiety.

[Picture changes to people running]

A new study finds that long distance running does not cause wear and tear on marathoners knees, but it does sand their nipples clean off.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on Wednesday, 8th March.]

Michael Che: Wednesday was International Women’s Day. I said was.

Next joke.

[Picture changes to an article that says “New York rats carry covid.”

A new study finds that some city rats carry the virus that causes COVID, which is why I always order mine well done.

Weekend Update- James Austin Johnson’s Random Celebrity Impressions

Colin Jost

James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys we only have about a minute left at the end of update. Here to fill it with some random impressions as James Austin Johnson. All right, James, what is your first impression?

James Austin Johnson: Okay, here we go. This is Adam Driver as Kylo Ren from Star Wars on the show, Girls. Here we go. [impersonating Adam Driver] Hanna, do you know how difficult it is? To be on the Dark Side of the Force? No, you don’t because you’re a child.

Colin Jost: Great. Great. What else you got? What else you got?

James Austin Johnson: Batman and he’s reading “Where’s Waldo”?

Colin Jost: This is Batman reading “Where’s Waldo”.

James Austin Johnson: [impersonating Batman] Where is he?

Colin Jost: Okay. Great. I think we’re already running out of time.

James Austin Johnson: Okay. This next impression would make a great sketch on the show. You should consider it? This is Jay Z and he’s downstairs.

Colin Jost: Okay.

James Austin Johnson: [impersonating Jay Z] Beyonce! Beyonce! Beyonce!

Colin Jost: How would you play Jay Z?

James Austin Johnson: Oh, he’d be downstairs. We don’t see him because he’s downstairs.

Colin Jost: Okay. James, I don’t think you put much though into this.

James Austin Johnson: Okay, look, I have a stockpile of useless two second impressions that I don’t know what to do with. So I just kind of thought why not do them on a Update where it doesn’t really matter. I get these impressions out? Okay. It’s my brand. All right? Bartenders won’t even look at me at the after party unless I do my Trump voice. [impersonating Trump] We’ve been waiting a very long time for that Negroni. This is much too long. It’s a three ingredient drink. We’re very thirsty. Very, very thirsty. We love Negroni.

Colin Jost: Alright, we have time for one more impression, but it’s gotta be quick.

James Austin Johnson: Okay, I got the perfect one. This is Bob Dylan cell phone on vibrate.

[Michael Che laughing] [James Austin Johnson making vibrating sound]

Colin Jost: James Austin Johnson, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Waffle House

Zach… Marcello Hernandez

Casey… Jenna Ortega

Casey: Zach.

Zach: [to his boys] Hey, I’ll catch up you guys later, okay?

Hey, Casey. What are you doing here?

Casey: I know you and the guys usually hang out at Waffle House after the game. So I just figured you’d be here. I have something I need to tell you.

Zach: What’s up?

Casey: I’m not going to stay next year.

[the people inside the Waffle House are fighting]

Zach: What? We had a plan. We were both gonna go to state, and then move back to town after and get married. That’s what we wanted.

Casey: No, that’s what you wanted, Zach. Right? I want more. More than this state. More than this town.

Zach: More than me?

Casey: Yeah.

Zach: I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?

Casey: Nothing. I applied to this music program in New York City. I got in.

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Oh my god, whose dog is this?

Casey: Aren’t you gonna say anything?

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Get your dog out of here.

Zach: I mean, what do you want to say Casey? Congrats? I’m losing the love of my life.

Casey: I’m just the love of your life so far.

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Oh, the dog can’t be on the counter?

Casey: Okay? You’ll find other girls.

Zach: They won’t be you. I just- I can’t believe it’s over. We’ve been together since eighth grade.

Casey: I know. That’s the problem. I don’t know who I am without you. I owe it to myself to find that out. See, this wasn’t an easy decision.

Zach: You’re making a mistake, Casey.

[a police walks in the waffle house]

Casey: Maybe I am making a mistake, you know? But isn’t that what grown up is? About taking the big chances? Making the big mistakes. That’s just how we become who we’re meant to be.

[the police tasers Mikey in the waffle house]

Zach: If you say so.

Mikey in waffle house: You know where I’m putting this? Right down in my pants, baby.

Casey: It hurts with you, Zach. I know that this is the right decision. [gunshot in the background] Who knows? Maybe a few years from now, we’ll find each other again. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. You’ll always be my first love. Nothing can change that.

Zach: I guess.

Casey: Come here.

[Casey and Zach hug each other]

Thank you.

Zach: For what?

Casey: Everything.

Zach: I guess thank you too. Do you need a ride home?

Casey: No. My dad drove me.

[Mikey gets thrown out of the window of waffle house]

Mikey: [to Casey] You ready to go, baby girl?

Casey: Yes, dad.

Mikey: Freebird gotta fly, son.

The Parent Trap

Bowen Yang

Jenna Ortega

Raymond… Fred Armisen

Bowen: We’re so excited to be doing this remake of “The Parent Trap.” As you know, we found someplace to update the original but the scene in the cabin when Hallie and Annie realized they’re twins is such a classic. We just wanted to leave it as it was.

Jenna: I love that. I totally agree. This is so special. I’m just really glad to be here.

Bowen: Us too. Obviously, since you’re playing both twins, we’ll film you twice, combine the two images into one. Today, you’ll be Hallie in the scenes. And since your body double is out sick, We’re going to have one of our crew guy Raymond read with you, okay?

Raymond: Yeah, hey. You know, you can just call me, right? This is gonna be fun. I think I get the gist.

Bowen: Okay, great. So let’s start with the sequence where Hallie and Annie are having a little disagreement over whether it’s bedtime or not. Okay? You can just head your thoughts and we’ll get started. All right. Okay, great. And Action.

[Raymond turns off the light]

Raymond: Off.

Jenna: On.

Raymond: Off.

Jenna: On.

Raymond: Turn them off.

Jenna: You are so annoying.

Raymond: And I’m starting to think you’re a real bitch.

Bowen: Okay, cut. Sorry, I don’t think the script said bitch.

Raymond: Yeah, sorry about that. I did a little off the cuff thing. You know, like you do on Curb. You guys watch Curb? I love Curb.

Jenna: Maybe someone else wants to read the lines? Like the ones that are in the script?

Bowen: Don’t worry. We’re never gonna see him in the movie. So it doesn’t really matter what he says.

Raymond: I have an idea. Should I go to the toilet at some point and she gets mad. No, that could be funny. Like her twin is always on the toilet?

Bowen: Are you asking that because you need to go to the bathroom now or-?

Raymond: Well, I think my character might. But you’re the director.

Bowen: Right? Okay, let’s just move on to the next day. Okay, so just as a reminder, it’s stormed outside, so your belongings got wet. And now you’re talking about the window, getting to know each other. Okay. All right. And action.

Jenna: Oh, no.

Raymond: Oh, are any of your pictures ruined?

Jenna: I mean, only the beautiful Shawn Mendes.

Raymond: Wow, he is hot. You know who I like? Lisa Rinna. I would let her wreck me.

Jenna: Okay, I don’t really know what to do here.

Bowen: Okay, let’s just move on to the Oreo scene. You’re wanting. You’re realizing you have a lot in common. Okay, and go.

Jenna: Wanna eat some Oreos? It may sound weird, but I eat them with peanut butter.

Raymond: Well, F* me, so do I.

Jenna: Wow. No way. I wonder what else we have in common?

Raymond: You like Schlitz? Schlitz beer?

Jenna: What? No. Anyway. How old are you?

Raymond: 56. Oh, for this? 11. My birthday is in October.

Jenna: Me too.

Raymond: This is tripping me out. Let’s see if we have a picture of our parents that was ripped in half to see if we’re twins.

Bowen: Nope. Nope. Not there yet. But good enough. Let’s just jump ahead to where Hallie is pacing, putting it all together. You’re both up for this. Okay. Yeah. And action.

Jenna: I mean, think about it. I only have a father and you only have a mother.

Raymond: Oh, yeah.

Jenna: You’ve never seen your dad and I’ve never seen my mom.

Raymond: So you think we’re twins or not yet?

Jenna: You have one old picture of your mom and I have one old picture of my dad.

Raymond: Yeah, like in that Lindsey Lohan movie about the twins.

Jenna: But at least yours is probably a whole picture.

Raymond: A whole picture? You’re 11. Don’t look at those.

Jenna: My pictures just a pathetic little thing right down the middle.

Bowen: Okay, and now you both run to get your halves of the picture.

Jenna: Here it is. A picture of my dad.

Raymond: Okay. I got mine.

Jenna: On the count of three. We’ll show them to each other. Okay?

Raymond: Okay.

Both: 1, 2, 3. Wow. Leslie Mann and Ed Helms. Is this for streaming?

Jenna: So if your mom is my mom, and my dad is your dad and we’re both born on October 11, than you and I are like sisters?

Raymond: Jesus, Hallie, we’re freaking twins.

Jenna: Annie

Raymond: Oh my god. Wow. I’m like trying now.

Jenna: This is amazing.

Raymond: So they just split us up? Why would they do that to us? We got to kill them.

Jenna: There’s two of us.

Raymond: We work together, we could kill them. I’m kidding, I love you.

Bowen: And cut. Wow that was it. Thank you both for those performances. I’m blown away. This is going to be a hit and I’ll see you both at the premiere.

School vs. School

Jay McCormick… Kenan Thompson

Sheila Cashman… Punkie Johnson

Manny Jackson… Marcello Hernandez

Gabe Bachman… Michael Longfellow

Professor Zander… Mikey Day

Zena Neutrilo… Jenna Ortega

Knockout… Molly Kearney

Jay McCormick: Welcome. Welcome everybody to School VS School where teachers team up with their star students to win big bucks. I’m your host Jay McCormick. Back after a brief hiatus. I was of course the key witness in a harassment trial of this show’s COVID representative who swab my anus in lieu of my nose every day for five months. But that’s all in the past now. So let’s meet up teams. From West Grove High in New Jersey, teacher Sheila Cashman and her students many Manny Jackson in Gabe Bachman.

Now, I’m told that your school has one of the best science departments in the country.

Sheila Cashman: Yes, and you can say that it’s A+.

Jay McCormick: Yeah, that’s cute. Alright, now let’s meet their opponents from Professor Zander’s Academy for extraordinary children. Professor Chandliss Zander and his students Zena Neutrilo and knockout. Now, it says here that your school is a 100 room Victorian mansion located within a 10,000 acre private forest?

Professor Zander: That is correct. We need ample space in which to train our students to harness their incredible gifts.

Zena Neutrilo: If my gifts are so incredible, than why won’t you love me?

Professor Zander: [yelling] Because you cannot yet control them, child.

Jay McCormick: Okey-dokie. Let’s just get to the game. are we feeling confident, team?

Manny Jackson: Heck yeah, Professor Zander’s Academy, you’re going down?

Knockout: We could enslave you.

Professor Zander: Knockout, no.

Jay McCormick: Well, that’s fun. All right, first question gets control of the board. Name for a random modification of DNA from parent to offspring. Zena.

Zena: Mutation.

Jay McCormick: Crrect.

Professor Zander: Oh, yes, mutation is a topic in which we are well versed.

Zena: That’s why they hate us.

Professor Zander: Zena!

Zena: They think we’re freaks.

Professor Zander: [yelling] Enough, child!

Jay McCormick: All right. Well, Zena, you have a chance for extra credit. The subject is English Lit. How’s your school’s English department?

Professor Zander: Our curriculum focuses more on harnessing our students’ abilities.

Zena: You always doubt me. Ask your question.

Jay McCormick: Okay then. “To be or not to be” is spoken by which Shakespearean protagonist?

Zena: Toby.

Jay McCormick: Wrong.

Zena: Argh, I failed. Oh, is that what you’re all thinking? The freak failed?

Sheila Cashman: No, I promise you sweetie, no one is thinking that.

Zena: Oh, you lie, you pathetic human.

[Zena tries to attack Sheila Cashman with her power, but Professor Zander stops her.]

Professor Zander: Zena, no, you can kill her.

[The whole stage is shaking by their powers]

Jay McCormick: Hey! Alright, hey! Now, I’ve just got blast and hit in the face with what I can only describe as electric wind. But since no points were awarded, control now goes over to West Grove high who are yet to get on the board. All right West Grove, here’s your question. Name the triangle which has three sides of equal length.

Gabe Bachman: I think there’s something wrong with our Teacher.

[Sheila Cashman is all blown up and had bloody nose]

Jay McCormick: Okay, no points there. Control back to Professors Zaner school I guess. Chance to steal. Triangle with three equal sides.

Professor Zander: Let me enter your mind.

Zena: I can figure it out on my own.

Professor Zander: I’m trying to help you, Zena.

Zena: God, stay out of my head.

Professor Zander: [yelling] Let me in.

Knockout: Stop fighting. [Knockout hits the table and breaks it]

Jay McCormick: Hey! We were looking for equilateral triangle.

Zena: Argh! I shouldn’t be here. I should be on the team using my powers.

Professor Zander: [yelling] You are not ready, child!

Jay McCormick: All right, we’re gonna take a break. Let things calm down and see if we can get that lady’s brain back online. This is Jay McCormick reminding you that COVID swabs go in the nose and not the keister. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me every day for five months, shame on me. Keep it right here.

Ridiculousness

Rob Dyrdek… Mikey Day

Steelo Brim… Kenan Thompson

Chanel West Coast… Chloe Fineman

Lee Lee Two Times… Jenna Ortega

Female voice: You’re watching MTV. At 9, it’s 3 Straight Days of Ridiculousness. But first, All new Ridiculousness.

Rob: what is up? What is up? Welcome to ridiculousness. I’m Rob Dyrdek. And you wouldn’t know it from my clothes, but I’m almost 50, ya’ll. Joining me as always, Steelo Brim and Chanel West Coast.

Steelo: What up, Rob?

Chanel: Ah-ha-ha-ha. I’m already laughing.

Rob: Ha-ha. And today’s special guests, you know her from TikTok, Lee Lee Two Times.

Lee Lee: Yo, what up, what up?

Rob: Yo, congrats on all your success and for looking fine as hell.

Lee Lee: Thank you, thank you. Yeah, just turned 70 last week.

Rob: 17! Oopsie! I meant fine as hell as a friend. Alright. Let’s watch them vids, kids. This is Fallin’ Off. Alright first, peep these fools partying on a boat up in here. Oopsie!

Steelo: Oh, it’s white girl overboard.

Chanel: That looks like it hurt, yo.

Rob: Yeah, that’s why my ass don’t mess with boats.

Lee Lee: Yeah, I feel you, I feel you. I was on this family vacay one time, right? My cousin Haley was doing that white girl selfie pose at the front of the boat. We had a wave and bam! She felt right off that boat but like got swept under the propeller cut her head off.

Rob: Oh my god. That is horrific.

Lee Lee: Yeah, yeah. And the worst part was because like, all the blood, like 100 little Finding Nemo looking fish came around and started eating out her head. Yeah, it was visceral.

Steelo: I’m so sorry girl.

Rob: Yeah, me too. Alright, let’s keep another vid. Let’s try keep on anecdotes more like fun, less tragic and upsetting, dawg. Okay, check this out. Yo, this this cat dude, what? Oh-oh. Cup head. Oh no. Mi-oink! Ha-ha. Yo, that cat was tripping. Chanel like that one right there.

Chanel: Yo, I can’t! I can’t!

Lee Lee: Yo, cats are a trip.

Steelo: Yeah man, they crazy.

Lee Lee: Yeah, like growing up our cat Sadie was always getting pregnant.

Steelo: Okay. Okay. So Sadie a hoe.

Lee Lee: Yeah, Saie a hoe for real. She was giving birth one time and six kittens come out.

Steelo: Yeah, all of them looking different than their daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Yo Sadie, who you smashing?

Lee Lee: Nah, they came out fuse into one like big furry cat, ball of cat parts. And like ears, claws, tails, all sticking out. It was not fire.

Rob: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Chanel, you got a cat. You got any funny cat stories girl?

Chanel: [asking Lee Lee] Was the cat alive?

Lee Lee: Yeah, but like it didn’t have a mouth. So it was screaming from the inside like- [screaming with mouth closed]

Rob: Yeah, you don’t need to keep making that noise, Lee Lee. We got it. alright, we’re gonna play What’s Gonna Go Down. Here’s the first frame of our next vid. Okay. Oh-oh. We got a dude in a laundry basket at the top of some stairs. Alright. Steelo, what’s gonna go down?

Steelo: Oh, I think that dude’s flying out of that thing on the first stair man. What you think, Chanel?

Chanel: Same. So, um, how long does the cat have to live?

Rob: Yo, no more cat ball. Okay? The cat balls weird and sad. It’s not the vibe of the show. Okay?

Steelo: Yeah, I gotta agree on that, man. Let’s kill the cat ball.

Lee Lee: Actually, the mom cat killed the cat ball.

Rob: Yo, no more cat ball. Yo, the cat ball is done. Please. Okay, Lee, lee, what do you think is gonna go down in his vid?

Lee Lee: Okay, okay. I think this white boy gonna make all the way down to the bottom of the stairs. And he’s just gonna jump out and start a wilding.

Rob: Ha-ha, okay. Then he’s gonna fall on his ass?

Lee Lee: Ha-ha, no he’s gonna get a text because his parents were murdered.

Rob: No. No. Not that, y’all. Alright, you know what? We’re gonna take a quick break, reset the vibe. And we’ll be back with more ridiculousness.

Lee Lee: I got a picture of a cat ball if anyone wants to see.

Rob: I mean, I’ll take a look.

Please Don’t Destroy – Road Trip

Jenna: I’ve just been doing a lot of press and these different jobs. Don’t get me wrong. I’m really really grateful. It’s just I’m starting to feel a little burnt out.

John: Oh, that sucks. Martin, are you ready with the playlist?

Martin: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, and I got the Slurpee.

Martin: Dude, nice.

Jenna: I’m sorry. What do you guys doing?

Ben: We’re going on a beautiful cross country American Road Trip.

John: Just us and the open road. It’s gonna be awesome.

Jenna: Wait, can I come?

[music palying]

All: [singing] Hit the open road and catch your ride
arms getting tan on the sunny side
John: I’m on the wheel

Martin: I’m on map

Ben: I’m on snacks

All: And Jenna’s job is to just relax
on a road trip
a great American road trip

we’re going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip
roll down the windows–

Martin: We missed the exit.

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: Okay, just look out for the next one. Need a little heads up?

Martin: Yeah. Okay. It’s just full hard doing music and that.

Ben: Price of being shotgun.

John: Yeah, no, no, it’s fine. Just let’s try to focus on Nav, alright?

Martin: Okay. Yeah. Focus on the Nav.

John: Yeah, thanks.

Martin: [in small voice] You’re not in charge of me.

[music playing]

All: Nod to convertibles when they pass
moon a trucker, put your cheeks on the glass
punch when you’re green, punch when you’re red
see a sign that says we’re going to hell
on a road trip
a great American roadtrip-

Ben: [to Jenna] Sorry, can we cool it with the Slurpee for a second? It’s just right in my ear.

Jenna: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Ben: It’s okay. I’m happy to buy everyone a Slurpee, but you’re just sucking on the- [Jenna doesn’t stop slurping] There’s none left.

Jenna: Okay! Can you scoot over? Your leg hair keeps pressing me.

Ben: Yeah, fine. I’ll move my leg.

Jenna: [checking her phone] Did you just Venmo request me for the Slurpee?

Ben: I don’t have any money, so.

[music playing]

All: Going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip-

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: We missed the god damn exit again, Martin?

Martin: I’m sorry, man. I’m getting like a ton of texts.

John: Who could you be texting that isn’t in this car right now?

Martin: It was my mom, man. My dad had a stroke.

Ben: I’m so sorry.

Martin: So yeah, [yelling] sorry I’m not focusing on the Nav.

[silence]

Martin: I don’t know why I said that. He did not have a stroke.

John: Liar.

Ben: C’mon man.

John: Everybody, we’re having quiet time. Read a book or something.

[music playing]

All: Finally time to chill, I can do what I want
Dive into the new Michelle Obama

Jenna: I’m gonna puke.

John: Do not puke in my car, dude.

Jenna: I get carsick from reading.

Margin: Exit coming up in 1.2 miles.

Jenna: Pull over right now.

Ben: Well, you shouldn’t have sucked down that Slurpee so fast.

Jenna: Shut up, Ben.

Martin: 0.3 miles.

John: Mart, that means nothing to me.

Martin: You told me to focus on the Nav.

Jenna: Oh my god, it’s happening.

Martin: No, no, no, no.

[Jenna pukes Slurpee on car window.]

John: God, we’re going home.

[singing] Late at night and I feel so free
everyone’s asleep except for me
big bright moon hanging in the sky
NAV in my lap and-

[John looks back, and then hits a guy crossing the street]

Ben: What just happened?

John: Nothing. Go back to sleep, everybody. Thanks.

[police siren]

Will you turn the AC on?

Martin: Hot or cold?

John: Both.

[The billboard with Jesus’s picture talks to John]

Jesus: I saw what you did.

All: On a road trip..

Oscars Red Carpet Cold Open

Mario Lopez… Marcello Hernandez

Maria Menounos… Heidi Gardner

Mike Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Jamie Lee Curtis… Chloe Fineman

Colin Farrell… Mikey Day

Brandon Gleason… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Maria Menounos: Hello and welcome back to the  Oscars Red Carpet Pre Show.

Mario Lopez: I’m the man inside your hotel TV who tells you what the movies are, Mario Lopez.

Maria Menounos: And either Maria Menounos or Kit Hoover, they haven’t told me what yet.

Mario Lopez: And you’re about to watch the 95th Annual Academy Awards sponsored by Ozempic.

Maria Menounos: Ozempic, I guess everyone in Hollywood has diabetes.

Mario Lopez: And we are so excited to have been standing outside the Dolby Theatre for almost 153 hours.

Maria Menounos: We have not slept or use the bathroom. Our only food is a handful of sardines that they throw at us like we’re seals at the zoo.

Mario Lopez: But it’s all worth it to ask Angela Bassett if she really did the thing.

Maria Menounos: Oops, we almost forgot every 30 seconds we have to do a few awkward pan downs to women’s feed. Here we go.

[cut to videos of women’s lower halves walking in the red carpet]

Mario Lopez: Everyone needed to see that.

Maria Menounos: Now last year the Oscars had the slap which was awesome. I mean bad, so bad.

Mario Lopez: We hated all the attention.

Maria Menounos: So this year to make sure nothing crazy happens, the Academy hired a new head of security notoriously calm and same person, Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson: Oh, my goodness. Oh wow, thank you. Oh my goodness, that’s so nice of you. Thank you so much. I’m ready to handle the proceedings judiciously and expeditiously. But I should warn you, the following things will set me off. Clapping, statues of gold people and shows that lasts more than two hours. And also hearing the phrase “the magic of movies.”

Mario Lopez: And are there any new security measures in place?

Mike Tyosn: Oh, well, thank you for that question, Mario Luigi. Yes. This year all the nominees have been given tasers. All the seat fillers have been given guns. And Jimmy Kimmel has been given the flame thrower.

Maria Menounos: And not that we’re hoping for this, but are you worried at all that Will Smith is planning a second attack?

Mike Tyson: Yes, we are taking that threat very seriously. Luckily, we were able to slip one of those Apple air tags into Will Smith pocket. So we know exactly where he’ll be at all time. Unless of course he changed his pants and then he could be anywhere. So stay frosty everybody. Stay frosty.

Maria Menounos: Oh-oh, I’m legit scared.

Mario Lopez: And now of course, the show has faced a lot of complaints about a lack of diversity. But remember, Oscar turns 95 this year.

Maria Menounos: So, if you think about how racist and sexist your grandpa was at 95, by comparison, Oscar is looking pretty darn good.

Mario Lopez: And oh my gosh, speaking of looking good, it’s first time nominee for best supporting actress, Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I mean, seriously, how great is this? I sold yogurt that made you poop and now I’m nominated?

Mario Lopez: Now, you have been refreshingly down to earth this whole award season. Who are you wearing tonight?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Kirkland by Costco.

Maria Menounos: Jamie, you’ve also been so vocally supportive of all your fellow nominees.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, because these actresses rule. Cate Blanchett, are you kidding me? She is so- Am I allowed to curse?

Mario Lopez: No.

Jamie Lee Curtis: She is so hot. And Tar? Oh my god. Tar was iconic, vivacious, carnivorous, queer, vague, confusing, long, partially in German and it was hands down the funniest movie of the year. And can I say one more thing?

Mario Lopez: I think you’re gonna.

Jamie Lee Curtis: What Ariana DeBose did at the Baptist was fun. It was by far the best live rat performance I’ve seen all year. It was incredible.

Mario Lopez: Well, good luck and have fun tonight. Oh no, I’m on my way home. It’s way past mommy’s bedtime.

Maria Menounos: Oh, I just love her. Now, one group that doesn’t traditionally watch the Oscars are Degenerate Gamblers. And that’s why this year we’re partnering with DraftKings to offer up to the minute gambling odds. What’s the latest update fellas?

Andrew: Well, guys, here are some of the latest betting lines. We got 3 to 1 odds that a young actor brings out an old actor in a wheelchair and regrets it immediately.

Devon: 2 in 1 that an actress who made $20 million last year will say the phrase “We are all Ukraine.”

Andrew: And 10 to 1 that someone in the in Memoriam is still alive.

Devon: We’re also seeing a lot of movement in the “Who’s gonna make a surprise appearance” poll.

Andrew: That’s right. Some of the favorite Long Shot picks so far are Chris Rock, Jared from Subway, Armie Hammer, The judges that overturn Roe V. Wade, George Santos pretending to be Tom Cruise, and this is 1 billion to 1 odds, Harvey Weinstein introduces Kanye West.

Maria Menounos: Wow, a girl can dream. But hold that thought because I’m told we have the stars of the Banshees of inner Sharon, Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason.

Colin Farrell: Hello.

Maria Menounos: How do you guys like your chances tonight?

[Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason start answering in hard Irish accents]

Mario Lopez: Wow, and they haven’t even started drinking yet.

Maria Menounos: This is so exciting. I’m being told we have Michelle Williams.

Mario Lopez: Close. It’s Michelle William’s Jewish acting coach for The Fablemans.

Sarah: Hello, hello, it’s wonderful to be here even though my hair is full cocked. But Barak Hashem, I’m here.

Maria Menounos: So is The Fablemans your first Hollywood project?

Sarah: Oh, sweetie, no. I was also that Jewish acting coach for marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and weirdly for Avatar. The third one is set in a thinly veiled Hasidic community, and I believe we have a photo.

Mario Lopez: And how did you think that Michelle’s performance turned out?

Sarah: Oh, for a goyim, she was amazing. And if I close my eyes and ears, I think she is Jewish. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find my acting coach Chuck Schumer.

Maria Menounos: Wow, I love getting that insight.

Mario Lopez: And finally, this is a surprise but we are joined by the one and only Tom Cruise.

George Santos: Hello, hi. Hi. Tom Cruise here. Wonderful to be here.

Maria Menounos: Oh my god. It’s George Santos.

George Santos: No, no, I’m definitely Thomas Q. Crew. Star of this year’s blockbuster film “Top Gun II: Top Bottom”.

Mario Lopez: George, you’re not fooling anyone.

George Santos: Yeah, except I did. And now I’m in Congress. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be everyone everywhere all at once.

Maria Menounos: Okay, he’s a hoot. He’s a hoot.

Mario Lopez: Now, let’s take a quick break. And when we return, we’ll be talking with Pinocchio from Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: I’m gonna scare so many kids.

Maria Menounos and Mario Lopez: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jingle Pitch

Serena… Jenna Ortega

Mitchell… Mitchell Yang

Devon Walker

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

James Austin Johnson

Serena: All right, troops. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Since breaking off from Donald’s Donalds Dominguez to form Donalds and Dominguez, we have not landed a single new client. You know why that is?

Devon: No.

Chloe: Not really.

Mitchell: It’s because Donald’s Donald’s Dominguez had a phone number that was easy to remember. And everybody in town knows their famous phone number jingle.

Serena: That’s right. We don’t have that. Mitchell, remind everyone of our number?

Mitchell: Our number is 1-672-555-0136.

Serena: What we need is to turn that number into a super catchy jingle

Chloe: But Serena there’s no way to create a catchy jingle with a number like that.

Serena: That’s where you’re wrong. My fellow partners, last Tuesday, Mitchell and I were at Luciano’s.

Mitchell: And yeah, I was drinking. No, I was getting tanked.

Serena: Mitchell got tanked at Luciano. But then this band got up on the stage and sang the catchiest pop funk hooks I had ever heard. Come on in guys.

[two guys walk in]

Andrew: Hey there.

James: Hello lawyers.

Andre: We are Soul Booth.

Serena: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Soul Booth. And they’re here to save us.

Andrew: Worked out a few demos for you.

James: Yeah, we heard you needed a pop funk hook that’ll stick on the mind leg grapevines.

Andrew: Maybe something like this. Here we go. Do you remember this one.

James: I do man.

Andrew: Ha-ha. Here we go. Come on.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] One.
Six-seven
Whoo!
Two.
Then three straight fives.
The next number is 0.
One.
Three.
And six.
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Donalds and Dominguez
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys. I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s gonna work for us.

Andrew: Uh-huh. And why is that?

Serena: It just doesn’t sound like what we heard at Luciano’s.

Andrew: Oh. You want that Luciano’s sound?

James: Yeah, you want it Luched?

Mitchell: Yes. This track should make me feel like I’m pegged up at Luch. Understood?

James: Loud and clear.

Andrew: Crystal.

Devon: Yeah, and the numbers should be closer together.

Chloe: Yeah, I think the numbers should be much closer together.

Andrew: Uh-huh. So it’ll be something like this. Ha-ha. You know this one?

James: I do, man.

Andrew: All right. Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 1-672-555-0136
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys, come on. That’s totally wrong. And you call that a Luched-up track?

Mitchell: I should feel five daiquiris deep posted u at Luch right now.

Serena: What is so hard about that?

Mitchell: What is so hard about writing a jingle that feels like I’m getting decked down in the back Luch? Ringing back to cut me off but then not barback with the glasses looking like Mayim Bialik that’s making the act up. What’s so hard about that?

Serena: Can you do that?

Andrew: Yes, ma’am.

James: Can do.

Devon: Okay. Yeah. And the number should be presented somewhat like a phone number.

Chloe: Or just anywhere near that would be great.

James: I think we might have just the thing.

Andrew: Absolutely. Let’s take a trip y’all. Everybody. I want to take you somewhere. Somewhere where there is no race, no religion. A little place we call home. But you may know as Luciano’s. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: One more time, that feels so good.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: So, what do you think?

Serena: Mitchell, did they do it? Is it Luci?

Mitchell: Serena, not only can I now perfectly recall the phone number of our law office, but more importantly, I feel absolutely ass-out, daked down, and looched up. My only question is how much?

Both: $10,000.

Mitchell: Less.

Both: 40 each.

Mitchell: Deal.

All: 16,725,550,136