Tag: Cecily Strong

Gemma with Dwayne Johnson 2

Vanessa Bayer

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Dwayne Johnson

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]

Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.

Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?

Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.

[Vanessa and Gene hug]

[Dwayne and Gemma walk in]

Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.

Gemma: Coming by.

Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.

Gemma: Grab my hand?

Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.

Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.

Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.

Gemma: Alright.

Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?

Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?

Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?

Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?

Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?

Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?

Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?

Gene: I hope not.

Vanessa: Just don’t!

Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.

Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.

[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?

Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”

Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?

Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.

Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.

[ride starts]

Dwayne: Ay! Ay!

Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.

Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.

Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”

Dwayne: Yeah.

Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’

Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.

Dwayne: Gene, Duck!

[Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]

Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?

Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.

Vanessa: Well, may name–

Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck!

[Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]

Vanessa: Why?

Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.

Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.

Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.

Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous

[Gene is shaking his head enjoying]
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!

Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?

Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck!

[A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[The ride is over.]

Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.

Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.

Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.

Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude!

[Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]

Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.

Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.

Vanessa: But I don’t want to.

Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?

[Water splashes on Vanessa again]

Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.

[The ride starts again]

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Cathy Anne

Michael Che

Cathy Anne

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. The contradictory reasons for his firing coming out of the Trump campaign has been causing a lot of confusion, just like I just had. Here to clear things up, is the woman who is always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, Michael Che. You are looking nice today.

Michael Che: Well, thank you, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Michael Che. Can you understand half of SHT what’s going on right now? Coz everything to me is more confusing and messier than when my uncle’s ‘you know what’ lab exploded.

Michael Che: Okay, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Meth lab.

Michael Che: Yeah. I figured it was a meth lab.

Cathy Anne: Can you believe that Donald Trump gets to fire the man investigating him? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Whow! I mean, if I got to fire every person that investigated me, I would still have my job at Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: What happened at Pizza Hut?

Cathy Anne: Oh, what didn’t happen at pizza hut? Oh, man. Did you hear what he said about James Comey? [Cut to Cathy Anne] I mean, it’s like he’s trying to pick a fight with the FBI. Who the hell wants to pick a fight with the FBI? Okay, let me say. I’ll be left up with you, okay? I have had some problems with paranoia in my life just due to funky wiring in my head and mixed with mild recreational heavy drug use. God, you gotta be paranoid for real if you messing with the FBI and the Russians on top of that? I mean, he is living the actual life junkies are dreaming about in the bowling alley. When they’re like, “The CIA is after me. The Russians are listening.” But that’s his real life. You know what I mean?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know anything about his real life, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: What is he thinking? Hanging out on Russians anyway, right? [Cut to Cathy Anne] They’re the ones that’s always pushing people out of windows and shooting them in the back of the cars, blowing that poison paint in the people’s face. He is taking selfish move in the Oval Office. I bet you that he has more Russian friends than I have days left to live.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, don’t say that.

Cathy Anne: Hey, baby, I live hard, okay? I’m like a shooting star. Just, pheww! You tell my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright, I’m not completely familiar with it, but I’ll try.

Cathy Anne: You know what? Here’s the thing. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I don’t even have problem with Donald Trump, right? Coz he’s crazy. And crazy recognizes crazy. Okay? Donald Trump, I see you, my man.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Your man?

Cathy Anne: Look. It’s all these republicans in congress pretending they don’t see what’s going on. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I know you’re not dumb. The only thing these investigating committees need to be book looking for is a damn backbone. Right? And you know it’s not going to be Mitch McDonald because he acts even more scary than he looks and he looks like this. [acting like Mitch McConnell] Right? Like somebody one poke the turtle. But I tell you, the rest of them need to grow a pair to put their country before the party. Don’t tell us we ain’t got the money to pay for people’s health care and turn around and spend $1 million a day so Donald Trump’s wife don’t have to sleep in the same bed as him.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne! Come on!

Cathy Anne: I’m not dumb. I can relate, Michael Che. [Cut to Cathy Anne] There’s been a similar situation, right? I used to get paid $15 a day to stay away from this man that ran a dry cleaner down the street from me. He would just leave it in a little envelope and just write “Please” on the outside of it. that’s how I got my first cricket phone.

Michael Che: [laughing] Cricket? You’re the only person I know with a cricket phone.

Cathy Anne: You put it in my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright.

Cathy Anne: No, listen to me. If this dude turns into a watergate type situation, I’m saying it right now. I call deep throat.

Michael Che: Oh! Cathy Anne, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

First Birthday

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa McCarthy

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a group of women having a baby’s birthday party.]

Melissa Villaseñor: The kids are finally outside.

Sasheer: Great party, Jen.

Melissa Villaseñor: Thanks, guys. I know we just moved here so I really appreciate the neighborhood moms helping us celebrate little Jeremy’s first birthday. We feel really welcomed.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, well we remember what it’s like to be a young mom in a new town. And look, you have a great house and a great family. Now all you need is your animal.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, we don’t want a pet.

Sasheer: No, not a pet, silly. Your mom animal. You know, the one animal that every mom adopts as a symbol of her personality.

Melissa Villaseñor: Wait, animal?

All: Yes, your animal.

Cecily: Your animal makes everything easier. No more, what music does she like? How are her hobbies? Now, I’m just pigs. I’m done.

Melissa McCarthy: Once you embrace your animal, everything changes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at home and a voice said to me, “Your son is heading into a very important meeting.” So I chose that exact moment to call him and tell him about a girl he barely knew that had died.

Melissa Villaseñor: That seems like an inconvenient time to call.

Melissa McCarthy: I know. But I did it anyway because it was my dolphin nature.

Sasheer: I remember when I embraced my animal. Suddenly, whenever someone complimented my clothing, I respond with where I got it and how much it costs.

Leslie: Sheryl, I love that sweater.

Sasheer: Vera Wang, KOHLS, $2, jungle cats.

Melissa Villaseñor: So, how do you pick your animal?

[women laughing]

Kate: Silly girl. You seek an answer yet you do not even know the question. A deep and complex reason for your animal will come to you. For example, I think ladybugs are nice.

Leslie: My thing is angels.

Melissa Villaseñor: Um, I guess I’m just confused.

Vanessa: My animal came to me in a dream. I dreamt, I flew on great white wings. We sailed over my worries and soared over the Costco. Finally, we landed in the parking lot of the Panera Bread. And there he was, a majestic goose wearing a little hat. We made love that night.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. I’m sorry. But this sounds crazy. I don’t see how any of this applies to me.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this. Why does this pillow have a country chicken on it?

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t know. I just bought it.

Melissa McCarthy: You bought the chicken or you becoming the chicken?

Sasheer: Ladies, the animal is coming.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. No, I’ll never be like you.

Aidy: What has been put in motion cannot be undone. Soon, you’ll take your iPad to museum because your iPad is your camera.

Vanessa: All of your emails will begin with forward, forward, forward.

Melissa McCarthy: You’ll carry a nice purse and ruin it with a Purell key chain.

[All women start making their animal sound]

Leslie: I’m an angel!

[Now, Melissa Villaseñor is holding a chicken toy, wearing a chicken t-shirt]

Sasheer: Welcome, sister.

Leslie: I love you pin.

Melissa Villaseñor: The TJ Maxx by the hospital, 50 cents. Chickens!

Film Panel

Vanessa Bayer

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Lupita Nyong’o… Sasheer Zamata

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

Gay Fontaine… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Vanessa in her set]

Vanessa: Hello everyone, and welcome to Film Society of Lincoln center. Today’s panel is on the seat of women in film. I’m joined by two of today’s most sought after leading ladies., please welcome Marion Cotillard and Lupita Nyong’o.

Marion Cotillard: Bonjour. Hello.

Lupita Nyong’o: Very pretty to be here.

Vanessa: And we are honored to be joined by two film legends. First, a Hollywood icon Oscar nominee and would be victim of the black Dalia killer, the incomparable Debetter Goldry.

Debette Goldry: Debette? Debette Goldry? Is she still alive? Oh, wait, that’s me. Oh, happy spring.

Vanessa: And next to her is the silver screen siren who holds the record for most on screen love scenes at over 400. Please welcome the legendary Gay Fontaine.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, well, thank you for having booze.

Vanessa: We don’t have any alcohol.

Gay Fontaine: Alright, well, I will tell the same thing I told Richard Burton. Make it quick.

Vanessa: Hey, let’s talk about the current state of women in Hollywood.

Marion Cotillard: We must change who we are to please others.

Lupita Nyong’o: We must change our preferences to be considered agreeable.

Debette Goldry: We must remove our molars to make our faces less polish.

Gay Fontaine: Thanks Finkletown, baby.

Vanessa: I’m sorry, you did what?

Debette Goldry: Look at it. Back then, if you wanted to be a star, you had to lose a couple of bones.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, yeah, one time a producer came up to the two of us and he said, “If you remove half your ribs, I will put you in our movie.”

Marion Cotillard: My god, what did you do?

Debette Goldry: We removed half of our ribs.

Gay Fontaine: And he put us in his movie.

Debette Goldry: [holding her breasts] These are my lungs.

Vanessa: Okay. So, everybody started somewhere. What were your very first jobs in Hollywood?

Marion Cotillard: I had small parts on TV shows like Islander.

Lupita Nyong’o: I actually started in production before I went to Yale drama.

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow, yeah. My first job was as a grip.

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh, like lighting?

Debette Goldry: Oh, no, no. A grip. [gesturing like she’s holding something]

Marion Cotillard: That’s terrible.

Debette Goldry: It’s Awful judgy for someone named Marriott Courtyard.

Vanessa: So, it can be harder for actresses to get the same respect as male costars.

Gay Fontaine: You said it, sister. We were in a film where they credited us as a woman number two and woman number there.

Debette Goldry: There were only two women in the film.

Vanessa: What are some parts that you played that defied gender roles?

Lupita Nyong’o: Well, I think people were surprised to see me as an alien in ‘Star Wars.’

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow. Good for you little Peter. You know, Gay here was the first woman to fire a gun on screen.

Gay Fontaine: Now, it wasn’t in the script. It’s just that people have limits.

Debette Goldry: And for me, I was in the Sound of Music.

Gay Fontaine: What? No, you weren’t!

Debette Goldry: Oh, wait. You’re right. No, I was married to a Nazi. Sorry.

Vanessa: So, um, as actresses, you worked long days on set. How do you unwind your days off?

Debette Goldry: Oh. I’d go visit my little sister. Wink, wink. It’s my daughter.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, boy. Does she hate you?

Debette Goldry: She sure does. Happy Mother’s Day, sis.

Vanessa: Let’s pivot a little aside from your work in films. You have been the basis of major ad campaigns. How do you choose which brands to work with?

Marion Cotillard: Well, I only work with companies that empower women.

Debette Goldry: Oh, yeah, yeah. That’s too. Me and Gay were spokes models for American Lead paint.

Gay Fontaine: Now, with more lead.

Debette Goldry: We did a whistle stop tour all around the country to promote it.

Gay Fontaine: And in every stop, we would drink a little bit of lead paint.

Debette Goldry: Just to see how safe it was.

Gay Fontaine: We did great gig. It paid off my bookies.

Debette Goldry: And now I can see the future.

Vanessa: Well, it looks like we are running out of time.

Gay Fontaine: Well, you know what that means. Girls, down the ratch!

[Debette Goldry and Gay Fontaine pulls out lead paint]

Debette Goldry: Okay. We’ve got read or white. Who want’s what?

[Debette Goldry and Gay Fontaine starts eating the paint]

Theme Song Game

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Jen… Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Brad… Chris Pine

[Starts with three couples playing a game in house]

Kenan: Okay, guys. Game night continues. You ready? Guess this theme. [singing] Thank you for being a friend.

Beck: Oh! Oh! It’s ‘Friends’.

Jen: Friends? No, it’s ‘Golden Girls.’

Kate: Honey, you know that.

Beck: I was close.

Kate: You weren’t close. Who’s up next?

Cecily: You know what? We haven’t gone yet.

Brad: Yeah. I think. Is it our turn?

Kenan: Yeah, guys. Go for it. Just pick a card and sing that thing.

Cecily: Okay. Alright. [picks a card]You know what? This one needs two people. Brad, do this one with me, honey.

Brad: You know what? I’m gonna grab a synthesizer.

Cecily: Oh! Should we?

Kate: No, you don’t have to do that. You can just sing it normal.

Cecily: Well, yeah. But we brought it.

Brad: It’s right behind the couch. It’s not a big issue.

Jen: It is.

Brad: Yeah.

[Jen passes the synthesizer to Brad.]

Cecily: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me just–

Brad: So, what are you–

Cecily: Alright, you wanna do the– you do that–

Brad: I’ll do that thing.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brad: Okay, so, five, six, seven…

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.]

Cecily: That’s right, Jie. Run to your work. Avoid your feelings. Just leave me behind without saying goodbye.

Brad: I didn’t think you cared to hear me.

Cecily: Didn’t think I care to hear it? Or didn’t have the nerve so say it to my face?

[Others are watching them with interest]

Brad: [singing] You know exactly what you mean to me

Cecily: I don’t, Joe. [Cecily and Brad stand] [ ] You keep everything up inside

Brad: That’s how my mind works flow
I said that when we met

Cecily: You guys, you know what it is yet?

Brad: Yeah. Nobody is guessing.

Cecily: Come on, it’s obvious.

[Others are now confused]

Kenan: This is a theme song from a show?

Beck: Is it Friends?

Brad: You’ll get it. Let’s keep going.

Cecily: Okay, okay.

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.]

[Cecily and Brad start walking around]

Cecily: Dammit, Joe! Look at what’s happened to us. [singing] I’m leaving coz it will never change

Brad: Your expectations are too big

Cecily: I respect myself to much
to love someone who never loved me back

Brad: You know that’s not true

Kate: We don’t know this.

[Cecily and Brad walk to the window and stare outside singing.]

Cecily: [singing] You cannot handle us, Joe
You can only handle you

Brad: Then I guess there’s nothing left

Cecily and Brad: Think it’s goodbye. 

Brad: I warned you this would happen! [Brad punches and breaks the window in front of him]

Kate: My god! Is that what we just saw? He just broke our window!

Beck: His hand is cut really bad.

Cecily: Here, here, Jen. Take over the Synth, okay? Just follow along.

Brad: We’ll take it from here.

[music playing]

Cecily: [singing] Give me your hand

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: You’re bleeding

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: Give me your hand, Joe
so I can wrap your wound

[Cecily tears the curtain of the window and wraps it on Brad’s wound.]

Kenan: Ay! Did she just rip our nice curtains?

Cecily: Does it hurt?

Brad: [singing] The pain was nothing compared to losing you

Cecily and Brad: I’m sorry if I hurt you
I only meant to love you

Beck: I have no idea what this is. Just grab their card.

[Kate pulls their card and looks at it]

Kate: It says Frasier.

Beck: You guys, it says Frasier!

Cecily: Yes!

Brad: That’s it!

Cecily: Well done.

Brad: You got it. Well done.

Kenan: Well, now hang on. Isn’t Frasier more like,  [singing] “say, say, baby, I hear the blues are calling
toss salad and scrambled eggs”

Cecily: No, no. Frasier is…

Cecily and Brad: [singing] I never meant to hurt you

I only meant to love you

Kate: That’s not Frasier.

Cecily: Yea. Yea, it is. It’s the broadway musical about Joe Frazier, the boxer.

Brad: The boxer. And his wife Florence Smith.

Jen: What?

Cecily: Yeah! Guys, it was written by Bradsky brother and his partner just right before they broke up. Hey, so we go again, right? Coz we got it?

Brad: Well, let’s see.

Cecily: Alright, here. You do it. [Cecily pulls a card and gives it to Brad]

Brad: Um, oh! ‘Caroline in the City’.

Kenan: Well, you just said it.

[Cecily pulls the synthesizer]

Cecily: Well, well, that’s alright. We can still do it, right? [Cecily starts playing synthesizer]

Cecily and Brad: [singing] Caroline mama’s drinking again

Kenan: I know what it is.

Jen: Oh, yeah.

The Handmaid’s Tale

Chris Pine

Mikey Day

Ash… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

David… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of women wearing red robe.]
Female voice: In the not too distant future, the world is at dystopia. Women are enslaved. We have no rights and no freedoms. [people are riotting] Forced by an oppressive government to bear children under penalty of death. My name of Off-red and I intend to survive.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

[Cut to four women meet. It’s raining]

Ash: Pleased to be the fruit.

Cecily: May the lord open.

All: Under his eye.

[they start walking]

Ash: I have a news. There is a resistance forming. We could join them.

Sasheer: It’s too dangerous.
Cecily: Shh, someone is coming.

[Chris and Mikey walk in]

Chris: Hey, Ash, what’s up?

Mikey: Ash, Jen. Girl squad, man. What the frick is up?

Chris: You guys supposed to be singing on my half birthday. What did you do? Fight? Or what?

Cecily: Do you not know? It’s the republic. Everything is different now.

Chris: Different? How?

Vanessa: We’re hand maids.

Chris: Huh?

Sasheer: The government subjugated the women.

Chris: Looted?

Ash: They took our money and our jobs and our kids.

[Chris and Mikey are wondering about it]

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

Chris: I think I actually read something about that. But I’ve been super busy with work lately.

Ash: Please, leave us.

Sasheer: They see us talking to you, we will be punished.

Mikey: That sucks. You guys should like, fight back.

Chris: My dad is a lawyer. He could help you out. I mean, he mostly does entertainment law. But I’m sure he knows someone good. Just drop an email.

Sasheer: We can’t.

Chris: Okay. Sorry for helping. Ha-ha.

Vanessa: We need to go, Daniel.

Mikey: Actually, her name is Ash.

Ash: No, it’s “of Daniel.” I’m his property now.

Mikey: Wait, Daniel? Yo! That guy is like super conservative now. You should leave.

Ash: Yeah, I can’t.

Mikey: Hey! Yes, you can.

Chris: Bro! David?

[David walks in]

David: Hey!

Mikey: No way!

Cecily: Lower your voice.

Chris: How have you been?

David: Oh, the girl squad. Ah, J town. What’s different about you?

[Vanessa doesn’t have one eye.]

Chris: Oh, David, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this thing about women. It sucks.

David: Oh, yeah. I heard a little something about that. Didn’t know if it was for sure happening. Is there a protest or something?

Sasheer: Yes. Several years ago.

David: Argh! Yeah, I meant to go to that.

[Alert alarm goes on]

Vanessa: Oh, no! It’s too late.

Cecily: They found us.

[Kyle runs in with a gun]

Kyle: [shouting] Freeze! What? Girl squad? Ash, where you been? You missed peace in the park. Okay, this is gonna sound awkward, but I got to take you to the government prison to torture you or whatever. But after that, a bunch of us are going to play tipsy-pop-pop. So, y’all should come through.

[Two men take the girls away]

Chris: How much you wanna bet they don’t even come?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

Male voice: The Handmaid’s Tale, only on Hulu. See Netflix? We have one too.

Take Me Back

Beck Bennett

Jen… Cecily Strong

Doug… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Beck and Jen sitting on a couch]

Beck: Okay, okay. On the count of three, favorite food. One, two, three.

Beck and Jen: Pizza!

Jen: Okay, wow! This feels right. I like you.

Beck: More than pizza?

Jen: Okay. Alright. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, mister. But maybe.

[Beck and Jen start kissing]

[door knocking]

Who could that be? It’s midnight.

[Jen opens the door. Doug walks in. He has a music player and a flower bouquet.]

Doug: Hi.

Jen: [sign] Doug! What are you doing here?

Doug: I just needed to see you. I want you back.

Jen: Now is not a good time, Doug.

Doug: Wait, what? You have a guy over? We just broke up like, five days ago.

Jen: You know what? I don’t need to defend myself, Doug. Okay? You know what you did.

Doug: I know. I’m sorry. I messed up. But if you give me a chance, I promise [Doug plays music] I will love you truly, madly and deeply.

[Doug opens his raincoat. He is wearing white suit inside.]

[singing very bad] I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your love, I’ll be your hope, be everything that you need
I’ll love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful coz I’m counting on 

[opens his coat, he is wearing a t-shirt with Jen’s face printed on it]

a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning, yeah

[two backup singers walk in wearing the same suit and same t-shirt]

Singers: I wanna stand with you on a mountain

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna bathe with you in the sea

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna lay like this forever

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: Until the sky falls down on me.

Doug: So, what do you say, Jen? I know I made one of the biggest mistakes a person can make but I’m sorry. And I’m asking you to take me back… [gets down on his knees to propose with a ring] forever. What do you say?

Jen: No, Doug! You dragged a man off a plane this week!

Doug: [standing and leaving] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Backup singers: Wait, that’s what you did?

[Jen closes the door after they leave]

Jen: Sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry about him.

Beck: That’s okay. Don’t worry about him.

Jen: Anyway, back to us. Tell me more about you. what do you do?

Beck: Ah! Well, I just directed a huge Pepsi commercial.

Jen: [disappointed] No!

Sully and Denise (Rachel Dratch)

Alex Moffat

Sully… Jimmy Fallon

Denise… Rachel Dratch

Cecily Strong

Little Denise… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video recorded by a camera phone. Alex is speaking.]

Alex: So, this is Straus hall originally built in 1926. It has been home to such notable alums as Burroughs and chief justice John Roberts

Sully: I remember my childhood habit. I showed up for a medical experiment. I slept for three days. They paid me $3.

Denise: Wicked pissa! This place is beautiful. It’s like Hogwarts with more asians.

Sully: I would be Gryffindor.

Denise: Your are Hufflepuff and you know it.

Sully: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out]

Alex: Great! Um, does anybody have any questions?

Cecily: Oh, yes. what percentage of freshman live on campus?

Sully: Also, is there an in-house Dunkin?

Denise: Yeah. I’m in dire need of a butter can Dunkinccino.

Alex: I’m sorry, folks. Who are you?

Sully: Um, my name is Patt Solven. This is my girl Denise.

Denise: Call me Zaa-Zoo. Unless I’m at work, in which case, call me doctor.

Cecily: Um, what kind of medice do you practice?

Denise: Oh, no, sweetheart. I wear a lab coat and insert hearts in the build-a-bears at the Burlington mall.

Alex: Um, I’m really sorry. This tour is for accepted students and their parents.

Denise: Uh, yeah! No durp Sherlock. Our daughter is over there pretending to be part of another family. [Little Denise is hiding behind Indian parents] Come on, say hi, lil Denise.

Little Denise: My gosh, dad, you promised me you weren’t going to film this.
Sully: Are you kidding me? It’s a momentous occasion. You are the first person in our family to complete an application.

Denise: Of any kind, of any kind. [pointing Sully] This one couldn’t get through an application to the Abby’s reward’s club.

Sully: It’s worth it though.

Little Denise: Mom, why did Tommy have to come? It’s 2017, you could cold the cameraphone yourself.

Denise: Ah! Don’t knock your uncle Tommy. He’s the only one that knows how to use those filters.

Sully: Hey, Tommy, hit me. Watch this. Watch.

[Sully and Denise have puppy snapchat filters]

Woof! Woof! Yea!

Alex: So, um, little Denise will be matriculating to Harvard in the fall?

Little Denise: Yes.

Sully: She’s undecided. It’s between Harvard and my Alma Mater, mcneelyheatingandcooling.com.

Denise: yeah. Little D’s is a certified brainiac. she’s like Good Will Hunting.

Sully: Yeah. She’s a math genius. And a violent prodigy.

Denise: She gets that from me though. I am a wiz a karaoke, right? [singing] Pour some sugar on me!

Little Denise: That’s not appropriate right now.

Denise: God bless you. God bless you, little D.  You always taught us what is and isn’t appropriate.

Sully: yeah, for example, we used to call each other re–

Little Denise: [interrupting] Dad! Dad!

Sully: But now we have to say you’re intellectually disabled.

Denise: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out.

Leslie: I have a question. What is this school’s policy on drinking on campus?

Alex: Um, sure. We have a very strict policy. We monitor all campus spaces and alcohol is not permitted anywhere on the premises.

[Denise is drinking her alcohol in one shot to finish it.]

Sully: Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Alright.

Little Denise: Please excuse my parent’s behavior. They ate a lot of paint chips growing up.

Sully: Yeah. We sure did. We called them radiator nachos.

Little Denise: Probably effected the development of the pre-frontal cortex.

Denise: Sweetheart, sweetheart, you know we can’t understand you when you talk all smart like that.

Little Denise: I was just saying you’re being wicked odd. Drop your rod socks, stick your head under a bubble before you end up getting hold back to bricker in the back of the crosa.

Denise: Copy that.

Sully: Message received. So, how much is a year?

Alex: Current tuition is $63,025.

Denise: A week?

Alex: No. A year.

Denise: No register, no better.

Sully: Hey, are there scholarships for ethnic students? Her middle name is Nomar.

Denise: Nomar!

Little Denise: Nomar!

Sully: Nomar!

Alex: Um, I am actually not sure that qualifies.

Sully: Um, well that price is a tag dear, but we can make sacrifices. For example, what does a man in my situation need with so many kidneys?

Denise: Yeah! I mean, I could get a night job doing night jobs by the bridge. I could.

Little Denise: No, you guys. It’s fine. I will go to McNeili. I will never fit in here with all these fancy kids.

Leslie: Um, excuse me, but do you know when this Manchester by the sea thing will be over so we can continue with the tour?

Denise: Come on! We on’t need these stuff shirt. Let’s go do donuts in the parking lot of Stop and Shop.

Little Denise: Oh, like we used to do when I was a kid.

Denise: Exactly.

[Sully, Denise and Little Denise leave]

Alex: Um, okay, back to our tour. Surrounding us are the freshman dorms. That’s Holas, that’s Stotten and that’s Hurlbutt.

[Sully and Denise run back]

Sully: Wait, seriously? Hurlbutt? That’s fur real?

Alex: Um, yes.

Little Denise: So, if you live there and someone asks where you live, you say…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: And if you eat of bunch of Chipotle and suddenly you have to run back to your dorn, you run back to…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: Oh, my god! Tommy, please tell me you got that.

Denise: Harvard it is. We’ll make it work.

Family Feud Time Travel Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Liza Minnelli… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Sasheer Zamata

Mick Jagger… Harry Styles

John Travolta… Jimmy Fallon

Kristen Stewart… Kate McKinnon

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

David Blaine… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Oh, yes. Yeah, okay, now. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here, we got stars from 2017 going up against stars from 1977. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “How the hell did this time travel thing happen?” Here’s my answer. I don’t know. I come to work. I don’t ask no questions. Then they give me a check. And I go to one of the other four TV shows that I do made specially for black women taking a sick day. Alright, let’s meet our players. First up on the 1977 side, the actors from the movie Cabaret, is Liza Minnelli.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli.]

Liza Minnelli: Oh. Outlandish, the set! Look at this wall. It’s the most wonderful thing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha. You know? It always feels like somebody just freed you from a bubble. Okay, next up, we got the original Beyonce, Ms. Diana Ross.

[Cut to Diana Ross]

Diana Ross: Thank you, Steve. Thank you all of you. My smile’s as big as my hair.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, yeah, I love your hair. But I feel bad for the 10 bald ladies somewhere in India right now. Next up, we got rock and roll legend, Mick Jagger.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Hello there, Steve. A lovely show. It’s a bit of fun in it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! I love the stones. I even love your latest stuff when you weren’t solo.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Solo? Um, why would anyone in successful band go solo? That is insane.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, some people do it. And finally, we got the star Saturday Night Fever, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Thanks. This is like crazy. Can’t believe it. I like this game show, right. Like, the lights and everything is really crazy. Oh, my god.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if somebody taught a pizza how to talk. Okay, let’s go to team 2017. First up, we got actress from Twilight movies, Kristen Stewart.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Dude. I don’t know. I’m just like, so excited. I’m so honored to be here. I don’t know. Whatever.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you look like a witch cursed you not to smile but you’re trying anyway. Next, we got singer and judge on The Voice, Gwen Stefani.

[Cut to Gwen Stefani]

Gwen Stefani: What’s up? This is really cool to be here, Steve. Let me hear you holla back, girl.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I can’t tell if you’re trying to be black or asian. Next, we got magician and all around creep show, David Blaine.

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: Uh! I’m so excited to be here. This is amazing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you not going to do that thing where you puke up frogs, are you?

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: [raises his glass] No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. And finally, we’ve got the start of the People vs O.J. Simpson, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Oh, such a joyous thing. Specially you, the wonderfully talented Starvey Hivson.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute, there’s two of you. Man, this is freaky!

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Actually, it’s a beautiful, magical thing, Starvey. It’s a joyous thing. It’s the most interesting work I’ve done since my mini-series about O.J.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli]

Liza Minnelli: Oh! O.J. Simpson! Oh, I adore the ‘Juiced.’

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You might want to hold on for few years on that thing. Okay, let’s play the feud. Give me Liza, give me Kristen. Let’s do this.

[Liza Minnelli and Kristen Stewart walk front]

Liza Minnelli: Oh, my, look at you. You’re just– you’re a poor little orphan boy, but you’re so beautiful.

Steve Harvey: Okay, 100 people surveyed–

Liza Minnelli: 100 people! Oh, what a great crowd.

Steve Harvey: Lord, I know you brought this woman here to test me. Okay, top four answers on the board. Name something that keeps you up at night. [buzzer sound] Kristen.

Kristen Stewart: I don’t know, dude. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just like, I’m sleeping and I’m waiting for the next day coz I’m excited. I don’t know. Whatever. Whatever.

Steve Harvey: You almost said something that I can understand. I commend your poet. Show me some kind of mumbo-jumbo.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Nope, it’s not there. Liza, something that keeps you up at night.

Liza Minnelli: Oh, everything. Absolutely everything. But lately it’s been a terrible unqualified president Jimmy Carter. He’s just a peanut farm.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I’m not going to tell her. Show me president Waka-doo!

[The answer is in second place]

Oh! Man! You know, what’s true then is even truer now.

[Steve Harvey walks to team 1977]

Okay, team 1977 has it. Let’s go to Diana Ross.

Diana Ross: [yelling] Thank you!

Steve Harvey: Something that keeps you up at night.

Diana Ross: Well, Steve, I have this terrible dream where I’m out in public and I look down, and I’m not wearing sequin.

Steve Harvey: Girl, you make crazy look good. Show me some kin of vodka hallucination.

[The answer is in fourth place]

Ay! Number four. Alright, let’s go to Mick Jagger. Something that keeps you up at night.

Mick Jagger: Um, well, um, if I’m up, it’s because I’ve got a little manky-panky. Ah!

Steve Harvey: I don’t know what you saying. But I know what you saying. Show me getting all kinds of nasty.

[The answer is in third place]

Alright, you got it. You got three. Final turn goes to young Travolta.

John Travolta: Well, it’s just like crazy. I gotta say, you know, what keeps me up night, it’s like, I’m afraid of getting older, you know? What’s gonna happen to my career? What’s gonna happen to Sandy? What’s gonna happen to my beautiful hair.

Steve Harvey: Well, young Travolta, I gotta tell. I bet 2017 John Travolta know a thing or two about that, right there. I think that you’ll be fine. As older man, you know you’ll have a long career. You’re gonna be doing lots of movies. Great movies. Ain’t that right, 2017 John Travolta?

John Travolta: Absolutely. John, you’re going to be fantastic. It’s about journey of life and how beautiful and joyous it is.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you see that, young John Travolta? You gotta great career ahead of you. You ain’t got nothing to worry about. Okay, young Travolta? So, next time you worried about something, don’t be worried about it, right young Travolta?

John Travolta: Yes. I’m never gonna worry about it again. I feel so much better now. So I’m gonna say what keeps me up at night is this weird feeling that one day Nicholas Cage is gonna try to steal my place.

Steve Harvey: Yeah. I’d worry about that too. Show Nicholas Cage might steal your face.

[The answer is in the first place]

Oh! Number one answer. Alright, 1977 has it. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’m gonna ask these 1977 people what they think the words ‘Barack Obama’ means. We’ll see ya. Y’all know what I mean.