Tag: episode 11

Marrying Ketchups

Marge… Aidy Bryant

Geraldine… Heidi Gardner

Windermere… Adam Driver

Wanda… Cecily Strong

Cholula… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Lily’s Diner. Geraldine is cleaning the table.]

Marge: Geraldine, you okay closing up tonight? I’m meeting Lial for Mad Men trivia night.

Geraldine: Oh, I love that show.

Marge: Oh, not the show. It’s trivia about the mad men. Like, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy and the Joker.

Geraldine: Oh. That sounds fun.

Marge: No. It’s more tense and unsettling. But hey, before you go, could you marry the half used ketchups together so they look full?

Geraldine: Yeah. No problem. Have fun, Marge. [Marge leaves] Alright, here it goes.

[Geraldine puts two ketchup bottles together]

[Cut to the ketchup bottles as a man and a woman getting married.]

Windermere: Oh, you look incredible, Wanda.

Wanda: Thank you.

Windermere: No, really. So beautiful. [Wanda turns around] What’s the matter?

Wanda: Nothing. I’m just, um, happy. [sobbing] This is all so wonderful.

Windermere: Wanda, are you crying?

Wanda: No, no. No, I just haven’t opened up in a while and there’s tiny layer of water on the top.

Windermere: Well, listen. I know I’m no aioli, but I’ll good to you Wanda.

Wanda: Windermere, I can’t do this. I can’t marry someone I don’t love.

Windermere: But of course, we love each other. You’re just getting cold bottom of a bottle.

Wanda: Can’t you see? I’m not like you.

Windermere: Wanda, I know you’re only a quarter full and I’m three quarters full. But together, it won’t matter. We’ll just be one full ketchup.

Wanda: No. We won’t. Because I’m not ketchup at all. I’m Catsup.

[Windermere is shocked.]

Windermere: What did you just say?

Wanda: You heard me.

[Wanda pulls the written Ketchup sticker on her off. Underneath, it’s written Catsup.]

Windermere: You’re telling me I’ve been gallivanting around town with some cheap off brand generic ketchup?

[Wanda slaps Windermere]

Wanda: Don’t you dare! You’re not even Heinz, you dirty hunt.

Windermere: You’re really gonna call me a hunt in front of my family?

[Cut to moving ketchup bottles of different sizes]

[Cut to Windermere and Wanda]

Windermere: And to think I trusted you.

Wanda: Oh, you believed what you wanted to believe Windermere. But you knew, deep down, you knew.

Windermere: Alright, look, we can always figure this out. We just need to get rid of that stuff inside you and wait until a real ketchup bottle breaks on the floor, then we’ll scoop up that ketchup and funnel it up into your bottle.

Wanda: I’m sorry. But, I’ve met someone else. His name’s Cholula.

[Cholula walks in and holds Wanda]

Cholula: Hey, what’s up guys?

Windermere: Hot sauce? You’re choosing hot sauce over ketchup?

Wanda: Oh, wake up Windermere! It’s 2023. No one waste precious calories on ketchup anymore. They want spice. They want peppery tang. They want to feel alive for once in their god damn life.

Windermere: Oh, you’re throwing your future away is what you’re doing. Ketchup is a perfect recipe. Do you even understand what umami is? The fifth taste. It’s in here, and that low rent corn seasoning wouldn’t know umami if it bit him in his wooden head.

Cholula: Hey man. It’s a cap. And it’s actually pretty satisfying when you touch it.

Windermere: I can’t believe I almost ruined my family’s recipe by mixing with the lights of Catsup. Mom, dad, Jeremy, Elizabeth, all cousins, let’s go.

[Cut to ketchup bottles of different sizes moving in a line]

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: Well, Cholula doesn’t need umami because he’s a real condiment. Unlike some people, he doesn’t need me to slap him in the back just so he can perform.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: So, you’ve already been together.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: That’s right. We even have a packet together.

[Cut to a baby sauce packet making crying sound]

Easy now baby. Go back to sleep.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Well, Wanda, I hope you’re happy. And I don’t relish telling you this but vinegar and I double teamed an order of fish and chips.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: I know. I went through you phone and looked at the photos. It looked delicious.

[Cut to Windermere, Wanda and Cholula]

Windermere: Goodbye Wanda.

Wanda: Goodbye, Windermere.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Hey, and, um, great menu man! Sorry about all the– their stuff.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Just treat her right, okay? Better than I could.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Aite! Dope!

Wanda: Now, kiss me, Cholula. Kiss me with those sizzling peppery lips.

Cholula: Alright. Just try not to get me in your eyes though.

[Cut to Geraldine playing with a bottle of ketchup and Cholula.]

Geraldine: Muah! Oh, I love you Cholula. Oh, and I love you, ketchup.

[Marge walks in]

Marge: Geraldine. Everything okay in here?

Geraldine: Oh, I — Everything’s fine.

Marge: Just making the ketchup kiss the cholula?

Geraldine: Yes. Sorry.

Marge: Well, I didn’t say stop.

[The End]

Del Taco Shoot

Douglas… Kyle Mooney

Miranda… Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Adam Driver

Jordan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Douglas and Miranda in a studio]

Douglas: So cool, right?

Miranda: Yeah, congrats on the gig. It’s actually a really fun commercial.

Douglas: Hey, I’m just here for check. Kidding!

Miranda: Ha-ha. True.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hello actors. Douglas, Miranda, thanks for being here. We’re so lucky we got our first choices.

Miranda: Oh, that’s so nice.

Douglas: That’s awesome.

Beck: Yeah. So, listen. Del Taco’s VP branding is here today. And he is very excited about their buck and under menu.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: Happy to be here. Have a good day.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, ready to give it a try?

Miranda: Yeah! Let’s do it.

Douglas: Definitely, yes. I almost didn’t make it today coz I almost stopped at Del Taco on the way.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: [laughing] Ya, save that. that’s funny.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, I’ll take these scripts. Jordan, ready to roll?

[Cut to Jordan behind the camera]

Jordan: Ready when you are, boss.

[Adam walks behind the camera]

Beck: Okay, quite on set. And, action.

[Cut to Douglas and Miranda]

[music playing]

Miranda: Um-um. this Del Taco is amazing. You gotta get some.

Douglas: Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.

Miranda: Well, with Del Taco buck and under menu, you can get all this–

[Cut to Beck and Jordan]

Beck: Okay, you know, let’s hold that there.

[Adam walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Sorry to interrupt. Um, Miranda, that was great. Douglas, what we’re trying to get here is that you’re hungry but you’re all out of cash. So it’s like, “Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.”

Douglas: Okay.

Beck: Try that. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, it’s like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Sort of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s kind of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s more of, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, right, right. So, it’s “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No.

[Cut to Adam, Beck and Douglas]

Adam: Mark, can I talk to you?

Beck: Yes, sir.

[Beck walks to Adam]

Adam: He’s bad. He’s very, very bad. He should be fun and lively. It’s a buck and under menu for crying out loud. He should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Exactly! That’s perfect. Okay, I’ll handle it.

[Beck walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Miranda, killing it. Douglas, you’re kind of freaking us out. Coz you don’t want it to be bad, right?

Douglas: No, sir.

Beck: Alright. So, maybe it’s brighter.

Douglas: Oh,okay.

Beck: Yeah, we were thinking it’s kind if like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Got it. Yeah, yeah.

Beck: Yeah, let’s hear it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Adam walks in]

Adam: No, you don’t wanna kill yourself. You just want a taco. It should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay.

Adam: Now, say it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: You’re not a pervert.

Beck: He’s got to get out of his head.

Adam: I think we just gotta beat the hell out of this guy.

Beck: No. No, no, no. We can’t.

Adam: Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Beck: I know. Wait, wait! I’ve got an idea. Dougie, you gotta get out of your head and in your body. Loosen up, alright? Come on. [jumping] Hoo! Hoo! “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: [jumping with Beck] “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, you’re still tight. You gotta loose it up. Drop your pants. Pull it down. Get it off your body. Now breathe deep through your butt hole. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, no, no. Squat into it. Squat into it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No, you’re still reading like you’re a pervert. Put your shirt over like cornholio.

Douglas: Yes sir.

Adam: Alright, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No.

Beck: Dougie, you gotta slow it down. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Now he’s saying like he’s hard.

Douglas: Sorry sir. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Just throw out away.”Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes, that’s it. One more time.

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes! Nailed it. Finally.

Beck: Did we get that?

[Cut to Jordan]

Jordan: No!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. Great day people. That’s a wrap!

[The End]

Cheerleading Show

Heidi Gardner

Adam Driver

Kroy…Beck Bennett

Daisy… Chloe Fineman

Becky… Ego Nwodim

Cooper… Kenan Thompson

Tony… Bowen Yang

Meg… Kate McKinnon

Terra… Halsey

[Starts with Cheer introduction video]

Male voice: You’re watching ‘Cheer’. The new Netflix docu-series that has everyone asking, “Did you watch Cheer?”

[Cut to the locker room]

Heidi: Okay all, buckle up. We are 10 days out from the National Cheer Leading competition in Daytona.

Adam: And we know you all are shook coz a lot of this team is getting injured.

Heidi: Hey, we throw people ha-ha-high in the air and sometimes we drop-drop-drop them.

Adam: And it’s specially scary coz of what happened to Tara.

[Cut to a cheerleader stuck on the ceiling hole.]

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

But we are working on getting her down.

Heidi: Okay, I cannot stress this enough. In this sport, it’s the tiny girl’s job to fly and the gay guys must catch them.

Adam: You all gotta prove why you deserve to be on mat at Daytona. Coz you know you all aren’t gonna make it. Kroy, let’s start with you.

[Cut to the cheerleaders. Kroy has a broken arm.]

Kroy: I deserve to be here because we must, so we will. I was inspired by the quote I saw in the menu at Alpaca steak house that said, “There’s no such thing as being full.” I think about that erryday.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: And did your arm pop out yesterday and go bo-yo-yoing yesterday?

[Cut to Kroy]

Kroy: Yes.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, and how does it feel now?

[Cut to Kroy]

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, so I can kind of see his bone.

Adam: Yeah, I’m kind of smelling his arm rot. But he knows the parts. Okay, Kroy, you’re on mat.

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: Daisy, do you deserve to go to Daytona?

[Cut to Daisy. She is on crutches.]

Daisy: Yes. I go hard. In two years, my elbows will be gagged and my brain will be Swiss Cheese. But for now, I cheer.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, and Daisy, your ankle melted yesterday? Correct?

[Cut to Daisy]

Daisy: Yes, ma’am.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: And what did you put on it?

[Cut to Daisy]

Daisy: Prayer.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, okay. The ankle is goo down there.

Adam: Yeah, it smells like soup.

Heidi: But she tumbles like a boy and she’s never had a mama, so we can mold her.

Adam: Daisy, you’re on mat!

[Cut to Daisy celebrating]

Daisy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, okay. Anyone else wanna make a case for themelves?

[Cut to Becky]

Becky: Yes. I just wanna say I deserve to be here because I’m a cheer-lebrity. Y’all know I’m the face of Stanky Leotards and chances are the tards you’re wearing are stankies!

[Cut to everybody. Becky shows her booty where it’s written ‘Stanky’.]

Heidi: Becky, why are you talking? You’re hot. You’re on now.

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Alright. It’s down to the wire. And I’m making an executive decision. All of y’all are on mat.

[Cut to the cheerleaders celebrating]

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: Oh, I’m on mat? I’ve never been on mat. I will not let you down.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: No, Cooper. Not you. What did we tell you?

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: I’m always a maybe. I understand. Go team! [snaps and claps]

[Cut to everybody]

[a fellow cheerleader brings in Tony as his both legs are plastered.]

Tony: Do not worry about me. I’m okay. Cheer doctor says nothing is broken but nothing is connected.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: But Tony, can we count on you to be on mat at Daytona?

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Tony: Yes! I won’t be moving but I will be cheering nonsense the loudest.

[yelling] Chicken cheese and chips

Cheerleaders: Hoo-haa-haa!

[a fellow cheerleader brings in Mag on a wheelchair. She has all her body plastered.]

Adam: Meg, you’re back from the hospital. What happened?

[Cut to Meg]

Meg: Fine. I landed on my hut yesterday and I got stuck in my neck.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, Meg, we are two days off from Tona. Can you be on mat?

[Cut to Meg]

Meg: No.

[Cut to everybody. They cannot believe Meg just said no.]

Adam: Okay team. You know what that means?

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: I’m on mat.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: No, Cooper, you’re not on mat.

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: Understood. Good. And absolutely, do let me know to improve everyday.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: Memphis, can you be on map?

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Memphis: I can do anything you need.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Can you do flips?

Memphis: No.

Adam: Can you life?

Memphis: No.

Adam: Do you know the coreo?

Memphis: No, haven’t been watching

Heidi: What have you been doing during practice?

Memphis: Facing the wall and thinking about the girls.

Heidi: Okay, so I think he’s just been playing with himself.

Adam: Yea, it seems like it. Yea.

[banging sound]

[Cut to everybody]

Memphis: What’s going on?

[everybody looking around. Terra runs in.]

Kroy: You fell off the ceiling.

Terra: Yeah. God gave me back.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay. Cut to the chase. Terra, can you be on mat?

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Let’s see. [Cut to everybody. Terra does the stunt.] Chicken cheese and chips!

Cheerleaders: Hoo-haa-haa. Yay!

[The End]

Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey Epstein… Adam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere]

[Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz]

[Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing]

[Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Adam Driver’s Chill Monologue

Adam Driver

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver.

[Adam Driver walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m so happy to be hosting the first show of 2020.

[cheers and applause]

I have to say, I’m a little sad to say goodbye to 2019 because I’ve acted so much and so hard in all of these movies all year. Seriously, I was yelling, I was crying, I punched, I sang, all four emotions. And people assume I’m just like the characters I play. Really serious, private intimidating guy, Adam from Girls, or Kylo Ren from Space One. I’m not an intense guy. I’m actually very chill. So tonight, I’m just going to be myself, open up a bit and be chill. Can we get some chill music?

[music playing]

No, no, no, can you play something else.

[music changes]

okay, I like that one less. Can you go back to the first one?

[music changes back to the first one]

Okay, that’s good. You can hear that’s better, right? Okay. Good. Anyways, I’m very chill. And I’m just going to prove it. I’m just going to take my time up here, be myself and enjoy this moment.

[Adam Driver just looks around the hall with his hands in his pockets.]

Oh, that’s cool. That’s like a subway. Is that supposed to be grand central? Grand central subway? I can’t take the train, I get mobbed. That’s really neat. I never noticed that before.

[Adam Driver walks around the stage]

Okay, now, I’m grooving on this music. I’m sorry I just didn’t trust you guys yet.

Okay, some facts about me. I’m a husband, and a father. It’s in that order though. I’ve been very clear with my son about that. He’s second in everything. I live in Brooklyn. I can’t afford Manhattan, spent all my money. People think I hate red carpet stuff, and I do. But it’s just cause I’m bad at smiling. I look like a kidnapped person trying to send a message with his eyes. Look.

[zooming into Adam Driver’s face]

See? What else. [Adam Driver sits on the stage] Oh yeah, I saw “Little Women.” Spoiler, there’s not a little women, there’s a lot of women. I’m doing dry January, that means you just don’t take a bath. It’s not very hard. You know, other things, I’m very approachable. I’ll just approach an audience member.

[Adam Driver walks to the audience]

Here, move.

[Adam Driver makes one audience move away and he sits on her chair]

Hi. [talking to a guy next to him] Hey, man. Hey, man. You look like a Star Wars fan, no offense. Here. Here’s a sign right here, Kylo Ren action figure, choking hazards, small parts not for small children under three. There you go. That’s priceless. If I find that on ebay, I’ll kill you. Alright, thanks for being a fan.

[Adam Driver walks up to the stage.]

What else? I’m just trying to drag this out, because honestly there’s a sketch at the end of the show that I really don’t like. So I’m hoping if this goes long, it will just get cut. I play a woman in it, and I can’t tell if it’s transphobic or just really dated. Oh, here’s something. I was a marine before I was an actor. And acting is a lot like being a marine. You do one mission the way they planned, and then the sergeant says, “Now, just do one for fun and then make it your own.” What else about me? I know! I’m in a movie with Scarlett Johansson. I basically kissed Colin Jost, if you think about it. Alright, they’re totally screwed now. We got a great show for you tonight. Halsey is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

Why’d You Post That

Darnell Pepper… Kevin Hart

Kim… Venessa Bayer

Trisa… Aidy Bryant

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Darnell Pepper in his set for Why’d You Post That?]

[cheers and applause]

Darnell Pepper: Hello, what’s up? I’m Darnell Pepper and welcome to Why’d You Post That? Yeah! This is the show where I find people who are bad on Instagram, bring them out here and yell at them. Please welcome our first guest, Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Hi Darnell.

Darnell Pepper: Hey, thanks for being here.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Kim, do me a favor. I want you to tell me what this photo is and why did you post it?

[There is a blur photo of The Empire State building posted on Instagram on the show screen.]

Kim: Oh, that’s the Empire State building [cut to Kim] and I posted it because I heart New York

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh! Okay, okay. That’s the Empire State building right there? Wow. I’ve never seen that before.

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: Oh, wow, you haven’t?

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Of course I have, Kim. I’ve seen the Empire State building about a billion times. There’s actually tons of photos going around that other people have seen of it. I don’t think not one person has seen this photo and said, “What’s Kim’s take on it?” Kim, answer this question. Why is it so blurry? And when you took it, were you thrown from the building when you took the picture?

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: No, Darnell. I thought I actually had a pretty good view.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, this is a good view to you? This here? Kim, you know, my grandmom has a better view and her house honestly Kim, is underground. My grandmom’s dead. Um, Kim, listen. Your Instagram has taken time from my life. And right now, I’m gonna take time from your’s. You’re going into wall.

[Cut to the stage.]

Kim: What do you mean?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Kim is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Yeah, get your ass out! [Cut to Darnell Pepper] Get out! Get your ass out! Um, now, for those of you tuning into my show for the first time, yes, I do have a small dungeon behind my set. Now, each of my guests is basically locked back there for about one week just to get their minds right. Is it illegal? Of course it is. You wanna stop me, just call 911. We all know you’re not going to do it. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Okay, please help me welcome my next guest, Trisa.

[Trisa walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Trisa: Hi. Hey, I was told I was gonna be on ‘The Price Is Right’.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Well, you got the price wrong. Um, Trisa, here’s the thing. I wanna tell you a story. I was laying on my bed on Sunday and I’m basically scrolling through the gram and I saw a picture of my sister’s daughter. [Show screen showing Darnell Pepper’s sister’s daughter posted on Instagram.] Aw, there she is. You know what I did? I loved that. That’s what I did. You know I saw another picture of my friend’s puppy. He was dressed like a hotdog. [Show screen showing a puppy dressed like a hotdog posted on Instagram.] Look at this. Cute as hell. That’s cute, right? Then all of a sudden,this popped up. [Show screen showing a picture of a broken toenail posted on Instagram.] It’s a photo of your big old bruised and busted toe. Now, why in hell would you post this photo?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: [laughing] I don’t know, it’s a funny story, Darnell. A horse ran over my big toe and it got really bruised and then the nail broke off. And I was like, “Oh, my god. That would make the perfect Instagram.”

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: [fake laughing] Hey, Trisa, is your mom watching this?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Oh, yeah! Definitely.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Okay, then I’ma take this time to address your mother directly. [looking at the camera] You failed! Okay?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Okay. Well, Darnell, I’m sorry. I had to give my followers something for Throw Back Thursday. You know, TBT.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Wait a minute. Hold on! Hold on! This was a TBT? So, you’re telling me that you went through all your old photos to be like, “Hmm, what should I post?” And somehow you decided on a picture of a dead toe? You know what that’s like, Trisa? That’s like fishing an old dukie out the toilet to restake the bathroom. That’s what it’s like. Trisa, pack your bags coz you’re going into wall.

Trisa: What?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Trisa is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Get your ass back there. God I love doing that. I love it. I really do. Now, right now is time for this week’s Darnell Do Not. Instagrammers, do not post a sexy selfie without checking the background first.I want you to look at this. [Show screen shows a picture of a woman posted on Instagram.] Look at this girl trying to get me all horny. Hey, real quick, what’s that behind her on the bathroom floor? [The picture zooms. There’s a baby lying naked on the floor.] Oh! Oh! That’s a baby back there busting it open. That’s what that is. Okay? This is not a sexy selfie. It’s exhibit A in a custody trial. And that’s why it’s a Darnell do Not.

Alright, now it’s time for my final guest. He’s a dumb little idiot. Please welcome Travis.

[Travis walks in]

Travis: Hey, my brother!

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Ha-ha. Shut the hell up, Travis. We need to talk about something serious, okay? Last week Travis, there was a horrible terrorist attack in Paris. And Travis, you posted an Instagram about it.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: That’s right. And the caption said, “Thinking of everyone in Paris” coz I was.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, that’s nice. But you know, let’s take a look at the picture right now.

[Show screen show’s a selfie of Travis in his bed topless posted on Instagram.}

Look at that. This is not about Paris. This is about you trying to show of your little orangutan nipples. That’s what this is. Okay? Have you ever been to Paris, Travis?

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Yes, sir. I love the culture there. But the Eiffel tower was smaller than I thought and I lost a lot of money.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: That was Vegas. Okay? Travis, that’s it! You’re going in the wall.

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Travis is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

In the wall! In the wall! Get your ass back there.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Alright, people! Well, that’s all the time we have on Why’d You Post That? I’m Darnell Pepper saying, “Don’t post pictures of coffee.” Goodnight.

Weekend Update Mrs. Sartini

Colin Jost

Mrs. Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, 33% of homeowners don’t like their neighbors. Here with her tips on how to deal with difficult neighbors is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Mrs. Santini slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mrs. Santini: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. I like this chair. I will take this chair.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Santini: Okay, I won’t. [Mrs. Santini winks]

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, what would you say is your number one tip for dealing with annoying neighbors?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Okay, the best thing to do is to write a nice little note. Here is a sample of a very nice note. [Mrs. Santini takes a red paper out.] This one, I left for the family upstairs.

[Mrs. Santini reading the note] Dear elephant family in 6H. I am so sorry you is elephants. And every step you take ruin my life. Maybe floor of your apartment is a wack a mole machine and you go boom-boom-boom. Maybe you have a Jumanji in your apartment every night. Either way, this is very sad for you. So please, keep on breaking my ears and wreck my days and nights and my small business. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Mrs. Santini folds the paper and puts it away.]

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What is your small business?

Mrs. Santini: I make animal skeletons.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you make them? Out of what?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Animals.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

You know when Dunkin Donuts at the end of the day throws out all the leftovers. That office is the same.

Colin Jost: Okay, Mrs. Santini. Any other tips for dealing with neighbors?

Mrs. Santini: Yes, okay. [Cut to Mrs. Santini] My next door neighbors, they cook every night but they make big smell. It smells like when you earring hole is infected and wipe it and you go [smells the infection] . So, I write them a sweet note. [Mrs. Santini opens another paper] Dear Mario Batali of hot garbage. I am so sorry for all pots and pans are diapers and your favorite spice is a dookie. It’s so sad for you that every rat in the world come to die in your wall. So, don’t worry. Destroy my final days. It’s okay. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Frida, are these really your final days?

Mrs. Santini: For a Hulu+, yes. My free trial is.

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, everyone.

Mrs. Santini: 5H. 5H.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a Duke University at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After receiving complaints from Christian Leaders, Duke University has canceled plans for Muslim students to use the school’s iconic Chapel tower for sounding the traditional Islamic call to prayer. But apparently the Christian leaders are totally cool that Duke’s mascot is the Devi.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Idina Menzel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Idina Menzel will sing the national anthem at this year’s Super Bowl. Then she’ll sing ‘Let it go’ as the tribute to the NFL’s domestic violence policy.

[Picture changes to a picture of marijuana]

A new survey shows that the state with the most marijuana use is Rhode Island, which explains Rhode Island’s official state moto, “but if it’s an island, where does the road go?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police arrested a man who set his bicycle down at an intersection, dropped his pants and started dancing. Which as far as I know might be what crossfit is.

[Picture changes to Chinese flag and a knife.]

A woman in China was arrested after she cut off her husband’s penis. Then later went to the hospital where it had been reattached and cut it off a second time. You see, that kind of work ethic is exactly why China is beating the US. But seriously, I’ve been in a lot of bad breakups before. And I bet what actually hurt that guy, like, more than anything was getting his penis cut off twice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of HSN logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The creator of the Home Shopping Network died this week at the age of 79. [Picture changes to the company offer.] Order just 4 easy installments of $19.99.

[Picture changes to a marijuana spray]

A new marijuana spray called Foria will go on sale next week and promises to help women have better sex. This according to Foria CEO, [Picture changes to Bill Cosby wearing a Mexican hat.] Will Wosby.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of 3 rhinos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 3 rhinos at a zoo in Israel escaped after a guard fell asleep. [Picture changes to a cover photo of the movie Zookeeper Michael Che: Rhino Escape.] starring Kevin James.

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Supreme Court and a gavel at left top corner.]

The Supreme Court announced that in June, they will decide once and for all whether same sex marriage is constitutional. Which leaves opponents just 6 months to break in, steal the constitution and change it to “We the Peple: No Homo.”

[Picture changes to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney is reportedly considering running for president in 2016. In a related story, Charlie Brown is planning on finally kicking that football. [Picture changes to a cartoon trying to kick the football]

When Romney told the news to a group of donors, they started chanting, “Run, Mitt, run.” Incidentally, RUN MITT is also how you boot up Romney’s operating system.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie]

Governor Chris Christie this week gave New Jersey state of the state address. Which is just like the state of the union address, only every sentence ends with, “But you didn’t hear that from me.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis this week criticized the magazine ‘Charlie Hebdo’ by saying, “You can’t make a toy out of religions.” And then he put on his giant hat, grabbed his wand and went back to his golden castle.

[Picture changes to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton has called for an emergency meeting of his diversity task force after no actors of color received Oscar nomination. As a side note, I gotta say, the Al Sharpton diversity task force sounds like a kick ass Saturday morning cartoon. I mean, what can I say? I can’t tell you who deserve to be nominated. I mean, of all the movies, Selma is the only one I even pretended to see. But I understand frustrations of minorities. An Oscar nomination can lead to so many opportunities for the black actors. Great future roles like, Snow Dogs. Or, Cat Woman. Or maybe even a WeightWatchers commercial. It’s a real thing. And I get that it’s hard to pronounce a lot of these names, but that’s what makes an award show so fun. I mean, just imagine John Travolta as he introduces the wickedly talented [picture changes to David Oyelowo] Davido Alajuwan.

The Journey

King… Kenan Thompson

Kevin Hart

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of a burning castle.]

[Cut to inside the castle.]

King: What is the word from the lower villages?

Kevin: There’s nothing left my lord. Just fires and ashes as far as the eye can see.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So it’s true that the dragon has returned.

[Cut to Sasheer and Taran]

Sasheer: May god watch over us.

Taran: What do you suggest we do, my lord?

[Cut to King and Kevin]

King: We need to find a new land. There’s nothing left for us here.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Indeed my lord. We must go. The dragon will return soon. There isn’t much time.

[Cut to everybody]

King: Very well. We must leave and never look back.

[music playing]

[singing] This was our land

it gave us seed

it bore us fruit

so stand on knees

now we must move on

move away from this land

this land we love

Cecily: [singing] we worked this land

we tilled it’s wheat

Taran: [singing] The soil beneath our feet

Sasheer: [singing] Now we must move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Move away from this land

this land we love

[Cut to Kevin looking angry]

Kevin: Hey! Hey! What the hell was that?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King: We’re preparing ourselves to move away from here and on to a distant land.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, man! We don’t have time for that. We need to go out this door before this dragon comes and kill us.

[Cut to everybody. Kevin walks pass them.]

Let’s go.

King: Yes. We must make haste before the creature returns.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Exactly. Now, come on man, let’s go.

[Cut to everybody]

King: On to a new land.

[singing] This land we find–

Kevin: Wait! No!

King: It’ll be our land

Kevin: Ay, this is messed up, man!

Taran: We’ll travel across sea and sand

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Okay, you know what? I’m just gonna start packing for you guys.

[Kevin leaves]

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, is this your shirt?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

Kevin: I’m just asking, is this anybody’s shirt right here?

Cecily: Move away from here

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay! Whose little pants are these? Are these my pants?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: This land we love.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: My bad! These are mine. I got them in black and brown. I remember. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m just gonna take everything. I’m going to put them in this bag and sort it out when we get there. [Cut to everybody] Okay? Cool. Let’s go.

Taran: Yes, we must come closer to our new homeland, with each step we take.

Kevin: Okay. [pointing at the door] Then can we take one step please? Come on, man! We gotta go. Let’s get out of here.

[dragon screaming.]

That was a dragon scream. My butt hole just got this tight. No, no, man! Listen. No more fooling around, okay? Lose the vocals, y’all! It’s time to go. Grab the great juice and let’s get to moving. [Kevin is pushing everybody towards the door.]

King: We’re ready. Lead the way!

King and Cecily: [singing] Open the door and lead us all

Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Then close the door after we go

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Shut up! Just shut up. Shut your mouth! You guys don’t get it, okay? Everybody outside of this window right here is dead. Do you wanna end up like them?

Taran: No! [Taran starts singing words]

Kevin: You are a loser! You hear me? A loser! You know what? Look at what’s going on out here. Look at this.

[Kevin opens the curtains of the window. Outside is a big dragon eye looking at them]

Ah! Ah!

Taran: Oh, I get it. The dragon. We should go.

Kevin: Finally, took you all day.

Leslie: Hey! [Cut to Leslie] Aren’t you forgetting something? Like, your wife?

[Cut to everybody]

Kevin: Oh, man! Not this!

Leslie: [singing] You leave me here

I’ll kick your ass

I’ll hunt you down

and well on your ass

Now, let’s move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer, Taran and Leslie: We must move on.

[Everybody is leaving]

Kevin: Oh, so now you all wanna move on coz she said something? That’s all that took? My wife to come out here?