Tag: episode 20

Intuition

Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

[Starts with Selena and Chris watching movie. They’re alone. Chris is using his phone and Selena notices it.]

Chris: I need a paper towel. [goes to the kitchen] Damn, we all out. I’ma go down to the bodega and get some real quick.

Selena: Right now?

Chris: Yeah, it’s right downstairs. I’ll be right back.

[Chris looks at the mirror and checks himself out before leaving. Selena notices this.]

Devil intuition: Don’t trust him?

Selena: Who said that?

[a devil appears on her left shoulder]

Devil intuition: You did? I’m your tuition.

Selena: No he’s not. [brushes the devil off her shoulder]

Devil intuition: He usually wipes his hands on his pants and now he needs bounty?

Selena: Okay, so where is he?

Devil intuition: [rapping] He by that bitch house

Selena: What?

Devil intuition: By that bitch house

Selena: What does that mean?

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house
That mean your man is creeping

Selena: Oh no.

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house

Selena: Okay, so what am I supposed to do?

Devil intuition: You hack into his Instagram account
to see if he telling the truth?

Selena: How?

Devil intuition: Like this, first you check all of his messages,
comments and DMS, all before he deletes
Once you read all that successfully
track his location, bitch hurry, I say it respectfully
This is the ‘Catch His ass’ recipe

Selena: Okay, so what do you want from me?

Devil intuition: Break is Xbox.

Selena: Okay.

[Selena pulls out his Xbox and throws it out the window. Chris walks in]

Chris: Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? That’s my Xbox.

Selena: I don’t know. I felt like you were cheating or something. I’m sorry.

Chris: Baby, what? Okay, you know what? I’m gonna go out and get my Xbox out in the damn street and we’re going to talk about this. It’s damn paper towels.

[Chris walks out]

Devil intuition: You really think he gonna get a broken next Xbox?

Selena: Go away.

Devil intuition: [rapping] He by that bitch house

Selena: He’s not.

Devil intuition: By that bitch house

Selena: I can see him.

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house

Selena: So what the hell am I supposed to do?

Devil intuition: We need to check all his pocket
and look in his wallet, see if he got numbers for hoes

Selena: Then I look up in the closet
find lipstick on collars and smell for perfumes out his clothes

Smells normal

Devil intuition: Then break his TV.

Selena: Okay.

[Selena kicks the TV and breaks it. Chris walks in.]

Chris: Come on, this can happen every time I leave the damn house.

Selena: I’m sorry. It’s just I’ve dated so many basketball players and celebrities.

Chris: I’m sorry, what now?

Selena: But you’re just not like them. You’re my little Johnny.

Chris: Okay, we’re gonna talk about that nickname.

Selena: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna cool down and meet me in the bedroom.

Chris: [smiling] Okay.

[Selena walks into the room. Her phone starts getting many messages.]

[A devil appears on his left shoulder]

Devil intuition: [rapping] Dude, I think she thinks you cheating
Chris: Who that?

Devil intuition: And then she do that means
that she the one who out there creeping

Chris: Wait, what?

Devil intuition: She probably getting dude nudes

Chris: Nah!

Devil intuition: Getting dude nudes

Chris: For real?

Devil intuition: Getting dude nudes
and all their thingies are bigger than your’s

You gotta handle this carefully,
break in the phone and then check all her history

Chris: Teach me.

Devil intuition: Here’s how you unlock it it quickly
fits type birthday and then social security number
if that don’t work then unlock it by facing
the phone to her face while she’s sleeping 

Chris: Dude, what are you talking about, man? Who would even be texting her?

Devil intuition: I don’t know. LeBron James?

Chris: No! [he kicks the table and breaks it]

Selena: The hell?

Chris: Who you texting this late? Is it LeBron?

Selena: [yelling] It’s my mother.

Chris: [yelling] Well, I didn’t know that. But now I’m too mad, it’s too late to be rational.

Selena: Well, so am I.

Chris: Alright, so what the hell are we gonna do?

[Both devils appear on each of their shoulders]

Devil intuition: Have angry sex
have angry sex
have angry sex

Guidance Counselors

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Barbizar… Bowen Yang

Mrs. barbizar… Ego Nwodim

Ninnie… Selena Gomez

[Starts with Aidy at the stage of college]

Aidy: Okay, seniors give it up for your mascot, Sal the Spooked Horse.

[Sal the spooked horse walks in and jumps around]

[cheers ad applause]

[Sal the spooked horse walks out]

Now, the guidance counselor’s wanted to give some advice before graduation season. So please welcome Mr. And Mrs. Barbizar.

[Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar walk in]

Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar: Hi, hi.

Mrs. Barbizar: Good morning. What an honor to address the old dirty bastard High School Class of 2022.

Mr. Barbizar: We are so proud of you. But a lot of you may be unsure what to do after high school. There are so many career paths.

Mrs. Barbizar: It’s hard to know what you like or what you’re good at.

Mr. Barbizar: So our advice to everyone is…

Mr and Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Get into modeling.

Chris: Sorry, are you saying we should be models after we graduate?

Mrs. Barbizar: Yes, exactly. Model.

Mr. Barbizar: Our advice to students is model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Because in this moment, you’re the youngest you’ll ever be and you just missed it up.

Mr. Barbizar: Yap, maybe it’ll help if an ODB alum comes out and talks about her experience modeling.

Mrs. Barbizar: You guys want that?

Mr. Barbizar: Yeah, you do.

Mrs. Barbizar: Okay, please welcome spokesperson for modeling from the class of 2017, Ninnie Sips.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie.

[Ninnie walks in]

Ninnie: Wow. Thank you so much for having me. When I was in high school, the one thing I wished someone told me was model.

Mr. Barbizar: See?

Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Ninnie: And now I’m proud to say I’m the first person in my family to not go to college.

Mrs. Barbizar: Congratulations. Ninnie, the time has come. Let’s show them how to do 80 poses and five seconds..

Mr. Barbizar: Hit the track. [music playing and all three of them do different poses] Wow, that was amazing.

Mrs. Barbizar: Work!

Ninnie: Any questions?

Chris: Hi. Yeah, I’m really good at math and I really love math. And I always wanted to be an accountant. Do I have to be a model?

Mrs. Barbizar: You don’t have to, but let me ask you this. Do you want to live in Paris or Syracuse?

Ninnie: Do you want to work at H&M or H in our block?

Mr. Barbizar: Do you want to do Leonardo DiCaprio or do taxes with someone named Leon did nothing? How tall are you?

Melissa: 5’6″.

Mr. Barbizar: Keep working on that?

Mrs. Barbizar: Be taller.

Ninnie: You, I like your look. How old are you?

Chloe: 17.

Ninnie: That’s perfect, stay that age forever.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie, let’s show them 100 faces in five seconds. Go.

[music playing and all three of them do different faces]

Wow.

Mrs. Barbizar: That was amazing. That was modeling.

Melissa: Wait, are you guys models? Do you have modeling experience?

Ninnie: Yes. On my flight here, someone was choking and people were asking if there was a model on the plane. So I modeled. And that was the last thing he saw.

Mr. Barbizar: That’s amazing. So what do you say kids? Wanna come with us on model all over the world?

Chloe: Yes!

Kyle: I’m gonna be model.

Melissa: Me too.

Ninnie: Good, so let’s start. Everyone do 10,000 poses in 1 million seconds.

All three: Music.

[music playing]

[all of the students are doing poses]

Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.

Baby Monitor

Gina… Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of friends gathering]

Chris: Dude, your house is sick.

Ego: And you’re sure your parents are gone for the night?

Gina: Oh, totally. It’s their anniversary. So they’ll be fighting in a nice restaurant for the next six hours.

Kyle: That’s so cool.

Chloe: I can’t believe they trust you to be home alone.

Gina: Well, somebody had to watch the twins.

Ego: Wait, the twins?

Gina: Yeah, my baby brother, baby sister. Look, they’re on the baby monitor.

[Cut to video of her brother and sister sleeping. They look too small.]

Chloe: Aww, they’re so sweet.

Ego: I guess I didn’t realize for babysitting.

Chris: Yeah, I thought we were gonna rage tonight.

Gina: No, we could still totally party all night long. On that note, who wants to drink my dad’s beer?

Kyle: Me.

[babies start crying]

Chris: I think babies are up.

Gina: Don’t worry, she’ll bo back to sleep.

Chris: I think she actually just woke up her brother.

[babies crying loudly]

Damg, their eyes are freaky.

Ego: Yeah, looks like when you catch raccoons.

Gina: Guys, come on, let’s focus. Let’s get this party started.

Kyle: Sounds like they’re still crying though.

Chloe: Shouldn’t you go in there and like, comfort them or something?

Gina: How? You’re supposed to like, let themselves sooth.

[babies crying loudly]

Ego: That doesn’t sound like self soothing.

Gina: They’ll be asleep in two seconds. I promise.

Chris: Yeah, I don’t think so. Now they’re doing laps around the crib.

Gina: Oh, that’s good. That will tucker them out.

Chloe: I’m not so sure.

Ego: Yeah, I don’t know how to say this. But it looks like they’re stunting a buck wild.

[the babies are doing backflips]

Gina: I gave them one M&M each before bed,  so they’re loaded with sugar right now.

Ego: Wait, are you allowed to give babies chocolate?

Gina: Yeah, Megan, they’re not dogs. They’re babies. Guys, I thought you wanted a party?

Kyle: We did. But this is definitely more interesting.

Chris: Yeah, looks like they’re fighting.

Gina: Oh, they’re just roughhousing? It’s what siblings do.

Ego: Wait, actually I have a baby brother and sister and I’ve never seen them do that.

[They’re fighting wildly]

Chloe: Oh my god. Do something before her head flies off.

Gina: Oh. Fine. I’ll go give them a piece of bread or something.

Ego: Wait, are babies supposed to eat full pieces of bread?

Chris: I don’t think so. But the babies definitely seem to like it.

Gina: All right, now who wants to focus on getting wasted?

Kyle: Honestly, I don’t want to get drunk anymore. I just want to sit here and watch these babies go hard.

Chris: Wait, what the hell?

[Now there are three babies]

Third baby: Hey, ma.We gotta need bread. Milk! [laughing]This bread is dry.

Ego: Who is that?

Gina: I don’t know. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not.

Chris: That’s not concerning to you?

Gina: No. Now, who wants to chug hand sanitizer and try out my dad’s underwear?

Kyle: None of us.

Chloe: Gina, Why are you acting so crazy?

Ego: Gina, why are you trying to party so hard? These babies need you.

Gina: Look, guys. This might come as a complete shock to you but I’m not a huge party girl. I’ve never even had a sip of alcohol.

Kyle: Yeah, obviously.

Chris: Wait, what? What are you looking at?

[the babies are looking at the baby monitor and laughing]

Chloe: Is that a baby monitor?

[Ego finds a camera turned at them]

Ego: Oh my god. They’re watching us.

A Peek at Pico

Vanessa… Melissa Villsaeñor

Sofia… Selena Gomez

Chad Mitchell… Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Sofia in their show set]

Vanessa: Ay, Welcome to A Peek at Pico, Pico Rivera’s number one public access talk show. I’m Vanessa.

Sofia: I’m Sofia. And on this show, we talk about everything happening in Pico Rivera from the good…

Vanessa: To the bad. So like what do you get into this weekend, chica?

Sofia: I got a new eyeliner.

Vanessa: I was gonna say, I saw that. It looks good.

Sofia: Yeah, well, the eyeliner poked me in the eye.

Vanessa: Aw, that’s sad.

Sofia: Sad. Okay, we gotta go talk to Chad.

Vanessa: Yeah, Chad’s outside right now. Bienvenidos, Chad.

Chad: Hi, yeah, this is Chad Mitchell reporting live from Pico Park. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining. Families have been coming to this park for generations.

Vanessa: That’s good.

Chad: Yes. But city officials…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye, Chad.

Chad: Wait!

Vanessa: Okay, we’re gonna bring out a guest. She hangs out at the library with the books. Bienvenidos, Becca.

[Becca walks in with some books]

Becca: Hi. [cheers and applause] Thanks for having me. I want to clarify, though, that I’m a librarian. I don’t just hang out with books.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s good.

Sofia: Yeah. Because when I heard that, I was like, that’s sad.

Vanessa: Sad. Yeah, so Becca, what’s up with all these books?

Becca: Well, these are some summer reading books we have at the library.

Sofia: Like what?

Becca: Well, this one is the giver.

Vanessa: Damn, what’s that about?

Becca: It’s a book about a society where no one can see colors.

Sofia: That’s sad.

Vanessa: Sad.

Becca: Yes, it is. But then one day…

Vanessa: [interrupting] They can see purple though, right?

Becca: No, they can’t see purple.

Sofia: That’s sad. I love purple.

Vanessa: Oh, do you guys have “Cat in the Hat”? That book is so funny.

Becca: Well, yes, we do have the Cat in the Hat.

Sofia: Oh, that’s good.

Becca: Well, you know we also have…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye Becca.

[Becca leaves]

Sofia: Okay, now we’re gonna go back to Chad.

Vanessa: Yeah, Chad’s outside right now.

Chad: Yeah, actually, you kind of cut me off earlier. See, local news stories usually start with a couple of descriptive sentences to set the scene before transitioning into the actual news story.

Vanessa and Sofia: Oh, okay.

Chad: Okay. So city officials…

Vanessa and Sofia: [interrupting] Bye, Chad.

Chad: Seriously?

Sofia: Okay, we got another guest now. He makes music but he doesn’t even sing. He just raps. Bienvenidos, Lil’ Hub Cap.

Lil’ Hub Cap: What’s up? What’s up? What’s up Pico Rivera? It’s your boy Lil’ Hub Cap.

Vanessa: Damn, look at you. So you got an album out or something?

Lil’ Hub Cap: Yeah, my music is inspired by my struggle. See, my dad wasn’t around much. And when he was, he was mean.

Sofia: Hmm, your dad was a bad man.

Lil’ Hub Cap: My dad was Batman?

Sofia: No, not Batman. Your dad was a bad man.

Venessa: Yeah, you had a bad dad. That’s sad. But then you turn your bad dad into rap, that’s good.

Lil’ Hub Cap: Yo, I didn’t catch all that. I’ma just do my song.

Vanessa: You can do right here.

Lil’ Hub Cap: Alright.

[music playing]

[rapping] I grew up with nothing

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s sad.

Lil’ Hub Cap: But now I got it all

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s good

Lil’ Hub Cap: But I still feel like nothing

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s sad

Lil’ Hub Cap: But I’m standing tall

Vanessa and Sofia: That’s good

Lil’ Hub Cap: Hub Cap, skrr skrr

Peace out, y’all.

[cheers and applause]

Rebecca: Wow, that was sad but it made me feel good.

Sofia: Yeah, it’s cathartic.

Rebecca: Cathartic?

Sofia: Yeah.

Rebecca: What’s cathartic?

Sofia: That’s when it’s good to be sad.

Rebecca: Oh, that’s good. Okay, we’re gonna talk to Chad because he’s outside right now. Hey Chad, what’s going on with the park?

Chad: Really? You’re actually going to let me do the story?

Selena: Yeah, we want to know.

Chad: Okay, well, I’m here in Pico park where the sun is shining and the birds are chirping.

Rebecca: Okay, we’re out of time.

Chad: Of course we are.

Vanessa and Sofia: Bye, Chad.

Vanessa: Okay, our show’s over now. Sophia, you can go meet up with your man.

Sofia: Okay. Ai! I poked my eye again.

Vanessa: That’s sad.

Sofia: That’s sad.

Weekend Update- Republicans to Block January 6 Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 22 at left top corner.]

Well, it’s our last Weekend Update and I have to say, I think that the country is in a better place than when we started this season. I think. In September there were headlines like, “Will the president destroy democracy?” And now I’m seeing headlines like “Will this be the most turnt-ass summer ever?”

[Picture changes to Capitol riot]

And who can forget that time when the president tried to murder congress? Apparently, congress can, since the senate is likely to block a bipartisan investigation into the capitol riot. Thanks to opposition from Mitch McConnell seen here at the demolition at the children’s hospital.

Republicans just want to forget the riots ever happened and focus on the future of their party and future of their party is of course… [Picture changes to Matt Gaetz] Yikes! It was reported that federal authority’s investigating sex trafficking accusations against Matt Gaetz have secure the cooperation of his ex girlfriend. But not until after her prom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In the wake of the seize fire agreement between Israel and Hamas, insiders praise president Biden’s light touch when dealing with Benjamin Netanyahu. But in fairness, everything Biden does involves some kind of touch.

[Picture changes to Andrew Giuliani]

Andrew Giuliani who is the child of Rudy Giuliani and I’m going to say Gary Busey announced that he’s running for governor of New York and claimed he spent five decades in politics despite the fact he’s only 35 yers old. I didn’t know you can get a brain damage when your father drinks during the pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden driving a truck at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden test drove in all electric F-150 pickup truck at a plant in Michigan and you’re probably thinking, “Ha-ha, he’s old. I bet he drives slow.” Well, watch this.

[Cut to a video of a truck being driven fast]

[cut back to Colin Jost]

Jesus, Joe. I’m not going to lie, that made me think we were about to have our first female president. I mean the last time a guy his age drove that fast, he traveled into the future.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, New York city lifted many of its restrictions with restaurants and salons able to return to Colin Jost00% capacity. While New York state– [cheers] Yeah, that’s great.  New York state nursing homes will remain at 900%. New York city gyms will also return to full capacity, though they still recommend social distancing from that old guy powdering his balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that North Korea has banned it’s citizens from having mullets or wearing skinny jeans. And yet, another attempt to cancel Morgan Wallen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of logos of tinder, okcupid and hinge logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House announced that several dating apps including tinder, okcupid and Hinge are launching a new feature that will let people show their vaccination status. But you can’t believe everything you see on a dating app. I mean, my tinder profile says I’m a white architect named Craig.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health and the COVID-19 Pandemic

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The CDC has announced that fully vaccinated Americans do not need to wear mask in most cases but many are still feeling anxiety and say they’re not ready to go fully mask-less yet. With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh, hi buddy. Thank you, Colin. Thank you guys. Thank you. Please stop. Thank you very much. Okay. Well, you wouldn’t know this because your life’s perfect. But it’s mental health awareness month. [cheers and applause] Oh, no. It’s fine. And my therapist said it’s important to pack the self care which is why she stopped taking my calls. If there’s one good thing about the pandemic besides getting Chrissy Teigen out of our lives, it’s– I’m relieved. It’s that I was actually excited when I found out we had to wear masks because I figured this sounds really crappy but I figured less people would recognize me, but it didn’t work because everyone can still recognize me from my eyes. You see someone who looks like he just woke up and hasn’t slept in days, it’s me. I was already so anxious before the pandemic. My brain didn’t have room for something new to panic about. I can’t start being afraid public restrooms will give me covid when I was already afraid they would give me AIDS.

Colin Jost: You can’t get AIDS from a toilet.

Pete Davidson: Hey, AIDS is a lot like SNL. It’s still here, it’s just no one’s gotten excited about it since the 90s. Lorne actually wrote that.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: It was his joke. The pandemic made me feel like I wasn’t alone. A lot of people became afraid to have food delivered which I was already scared of because I was sure the delivery guy would see my name on the receipt and impregnate my sandwich.

Colin Jost: Is that really something you’re afraid of?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yes. It used to be. That’s why I started ordering food under a new secret identity. I even got a new credit card with my new fake name.

Colin Jost: Yes. That’s actually my American Express card. It’s been missing for days.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I never felt safer. People love you, Colin. So much better than my Discover Plus.

Colin Jost: And do you have any advice for people who are afraid of returning to normal?

Pete Davidson: Yes. That if you’re vaccinated, it’s okay to relax. People aren’t getting the vaccine because they think it’s just Bill Gates trying to put microchip inside of you. But trust me, if he was that much of an evil genius, Linda would have signed a prenup.

Colin Jost: Someone really liked that. What would you say to all the people who don’t want to get vaccinated?

Pete Davidson: I think if you don’t want to get the shot, you don’t have to. We just need to make sure you don’t infect others. So, we should let all the anti-vax people live in one place and make their own weird laws and do whatever drugs they want, and alright, yeah, that’s Florida.

Colin Jost: Wouldn’t that be dangerous for all the retired people who live there?

Pete Davidson: Well, that’s the beauty part. Once the un-vaxed people are in Florida together, we airdrop a crate of oxycontin pills laced with the Pfizer vaccine on to a Jimmy Buffet concert. Problem solved.

Colin Jost: Not everyone in Florida does O-pills.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Well, we’ll also put it in the meth. The pandemic has taught me that we never really know what the future holds. And it’s also taught me to be grateful. And I’m very grateful to be here and it’s been an honor to grow up in front of you guys. So, thanks.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update- Marilyn Manson Sued, Helen Keller Doll

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Marilyn Manson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A former personal assistant to Marilyn Manson has filed a law suit accusing him of sexual exploitation and psychological abuse. Wow. It’s always the guys you most expect.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Boom’ logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Startup airline Boom Supersonic is hoping to eventually fly passengers anywhere in the world in four hours or less for just $100. So, get ready to fly fast and cheap on the only airline named after the sound of an explosion.

[Picture changes to Barbie logo]

Mattel is releasing a Helen Keller doll barbie doll. Just remember not to let her drive the barbie corvette.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A conductor of a bullet train is facing disciplinary action after he left the controls to use the bathroom while the train was traveling at nearly 100 miles an hour. Brother, that chili was traveling at that same speed.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Scotland flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Residents of an apartment building in Scotland left a note in the elevator asking a resident who has extremely loud orgasm to be quieter. And it’s understandable because this is what a Scottish orgasm sounds like.

[Cut to a clip from a movie where a guy is yelling ‘Freedom’.]

Michael Che: That is so dumb. That is so dumb.

Colin Jost: That was so long.

Weekend Update- Jeanine Pirro on the Mexico–United States Border

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: And now, as a last special treat, here to give her parting thoughts tonight is judge Jeanine Pirro.

[Jeanine Pirro slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I have not seen you in a while.

Jeanine Pirro: [spilling a little wine on Colin Jost every time she talks] Oh, I’m still here. My show on Fox is on every Saturday at nine, a full hour before the nursing homes turn off the TV in the lobby. But I did take some time off recently. I went down to the most luxurious place on earth, Mar-A-Lago. Oh, it’s like being on a cruise ship that’s permanently docked in the hottest part of Florida in between two classy strip clubs, you know, where the gals wear ball gowns. There’s an endless buffet of rubbery shrimp and the air smells like a bathroom stall that’s been freshly sprayed with poopouri.

Colin Jost: That sounds wonderful, but you really don’t have to be so loud.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, go ahead and judge me, Colin. But I’m proud to be a small town girl who grew up on an airport turmac.

Colin Jost: I’m assuming you’re not very happy with the job that president Biden is doing.

Jeanine Pirro: He’s a disaster! Have you seen the border? If Joe Biden had his way, we’d let everyone in from El Chapo to Del Taco.

Colin Jost: I’m not sure that’s true.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I am. And now they want to put Kamala Harris in charge of the border. Sorry, Kama-lama-ding-dong. Not on my watch.

Colin Jost: That seems a little racist.

Jeanine Pirro: A little racist? Have you been listening to me? Colin, even as I watch our beautiful country get over run by a gang of MS-Colin Jost3 angriest Mexican lesbians, I’m still standing strong. Because I always did it my way. Hold that Colin. [passes the wine glass to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Sure.

[music playing]

Jeanine Pirro: [singing] Now, the end is near
and so I face the final curtain

Sorry, Colin.

[singing] Friends, I’ll say it clear, 

I made my case of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full

Bring in my other wine.

I traveled each and every highway.

[someone brings in a giant glass container full of wine with a giant straw]

And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

[Jeanine Pirro gets into the giant container of wine]

[Jeanine Pirro fills her empty glass, and swinging her hand to the music, throws the wine on Colin Jost.]

I did it my way
I did it my way

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes for Season 46 Finale

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is the last show of the season and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gift to each other will once again be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea is to keep it fun, light. No one’s going to get canceled. No one’s family’s going to get threatened. Have fun.

Michael Che: Sure, we’ll see. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an obese monkey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An obese monkey in Thailand named Godzilla has been sent to a special facility to lose weight. Official realize that the monkey was overweight when a bunch of black guys kept hitting on it.

[Cut to Michael Che laughing hard. There’s a picture of a ‘strip club’ board at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That was pretty racist, Colin. Las Vegas is opening a Pop-up vaccine site at a strip club and don’t worry, the strippers say the vaccine is a lot like Michael Che, very quick and you can barely feel it go in.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. And a black Superman actually makes a lot of sense when you remember that Superman was abandoned by his parents as a baby. There’s more? Well, I knew you’d like that one, so here’s another one. Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. In this version, black Superman’s kryptonite honest day’s work.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Diego map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! Really doubling down on black Superman. San Diego police are being investigated after video surfaced of them using excessive force on a homeless black man accused of urinating in public. But I say, “Great work keeping out streets clean, boys.” Yes sir, anything the police do is all right ole Mikey Che. I know I’m probably the only black man brave enough to say this on live TV but blue lives matter even more.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hip Hop Museum logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Really nice of you. This week, construction began on a new Hip Hop museum in the Bronx. And I know that we had a lot of fun with me reading racist jokes that Michael writes for me, but because our country is divided enough, I’d like to use my platform to say something that everyone of all races can agree on. Woody Allen is innocent. He did nothing wrong. Before I go, I just thought of another punch line for that black Superman joke. Black Superman will be referred to as the Man of Steel, spelled S-T-E-A-L.