Tag: episode 5

COVID Commercial

[starts with clips of people feeling tired]

Female voice: Are you feeling tired and worn down? Sick of the endless grind at work? Exhausted by your family desperate for some peace and quiet? Then ask your doctor about COVID. By simply getting COVID, you’re guaranteed a five and sometimes even 10 day vacation from all of life’s problems.

Sarah: I needed a break just some time away from everyone. So my doctor suggested I get COVID, and it was the greatest week of my life.

Heidi: All I wanted was just sit on the good part of the couch and watch the Netflix I want to watch. And I was finally able to thanks to COVID.

Michael: At first, I was worried about getting COVID. But my doctor assured me it’s fine now. I’m triple Vaxed, quadruple if you count HPV. So it’s my time to shine.

Female voice: Side effects of COVID include having COVID, which is still kind of bad, but doesn’t it seem different now?

Sarah: I definitely got sick. And I also got paid for 10 days to never leave a blanket. Plus I got a great story. I could tell people at work. [telling her colleagues] It was like I had a bad cold for three days.

Heidi: And of course I had to isolate from my three kids, because I didn’t want to get them sick.

Heidi’s husband: But what do they eat? [Heidi just closes the door in relief]

Heidi: I gave it 14 days to be extra safe.

Female voice: And for an extra fee, we’ll knock out the Wi-Fi near your house so you can’t do any Zooms.

Sarah: Oh, well, too bad.

Female voice: COVID is the perfect way to get out of jury duty, cousin’s wedding, friends improv show, neighbours adult baptism and husband’s murder trial. At this point, COVID is basically a 10 day cruise, which is also a great way to get COVID

Sarah: COVID isn’t for everyone. That’s why there’s also new COVID always positive home test, the only COVID test that comes with two pink lines already drawn on.

Heidi: [looking at the test kit] Again?

Heidi’s husband: But you just had it a week ago. [walking out with kids] Please don’t do this to me. [Heidi shuts the door on him]

Female voice: COVID, because sometimes the only way to get mentally healthy is to get physically sick.

Sarah: And sure, there might be long term memory problems. But that would honestly be amazing because there’s so much I want to forget. [There’s a picture of her participating in Capitol riot]

Michael: My brand’s already really bad. If it gets 10% worse, but I don’t have to talk to a single person for a week, I’ll take that deal and a horse beat.

Female voice: You mean a heartbeat?

Micheal: [chuckles] Either way, thanks, COVID.

Sarah; Thanks COVID.

Heidi: Vanks VOVID.

Sarah: I think I’ll get COVID again, today.

Female voice: COVID. Go ahead. You deserve a break.

Big Penis Therapy

Robin… Amy Schumer

Melissa… Sarah Sherman

Glen… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a group of adults playing a card game]

Ego: Sorry, Robin, but draw four.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. It sucks to be you.

Robin: Oh, babe, you’re gloating.

Glen: Oh, you’re right. You’re right. Sorry to get so competitive guys.

Melissa: Fine, Glen.

Glen: No, it’s not fine. Something I’ve been working on in therapy.

Melissa: You go to therapy. That’s like really surprising.

Ego: Seriously, talk about a complete 180.

Robin: I know remember how cranky he used to be.

Melissa: That’s one way to put it.

Ego: Yeah, I would have said toxic as a mug.

Glen: Okay, you got me?

Robin: Yeah, but honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to big penis therapy, he’s just been so much happier. He’s like, a new person.

Ego: One more time.

Melissa: Did you see big penis therapy?

Glen: Yeah, it’s a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad, my insecurities, my rage issues.

Ego: That just sounds like regular therapy.

Robin: Let’s go back to the game. Whose turn is it?

Glen: See, she’s been trying to get me to go to therapy for years ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe?

Robin: Yeah, I sure do.

Glen: Therapy just always seem so, I don’t know fruity. But then I heard about big penis therapy, for men with big penises like mine. And I thought, maybe I do need this.

Robin: Big penis therapy just helps to destigmatize men working on their mental health.

Glen: And sure the guys down at the job harassed me for going to therapy at first, but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now they all went therapy too.

Ego: [reading the badge] God forgive my painess. What’s a painess?

Glen: t’s a medical term. It means penis that causes great pain.

Melissa: Oh, maybe I should tell my Jake about this.

Glen: Not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies?

Melissa: Actually he’s pretty okay.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. Well, unfortunately, it’s not “pretty okay” size penis therapy. It’s therapy for guys with great big ones. Like mine, or Shaq’s. Or the guys from long naturals magazine.

Melissa: You know, Glen for the record, penis size really isn’t important.

Robin: Please don’t say that.

Glen: It’s okay honey. It actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would have called you a stuck up bitch for saying that. But now I won’t.

Ego: Hey, Glen, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify?

Glen: What do you mean?

Ego: Just saying. How do they know you have a big…?

Robin: They don’t have to measure.

Glen: Honey, relax. It’s a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like it.

Ego: Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they’re doing, it seems to be working for you.

Melissa: Truly. You even look like you’ve lost some weight.

Glen: Oh, well, that’s all thanks to my fat rod vegan meal plan.

Ego: You got him to be vegan too?

Robin: Yep. He’s also going to long Dong church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers.

Glen: Yeah. And I also joined an activist group called three inch monster packers against animal testing.

Melissa: Good, because it looks like you’re gonna have to draw for.

Ego: And that’s on top of my draw for.

Melissa: We’re playing stack, so you have to draw eight, Glen.

Robin: Aw, babe. But you only have one left. You almost won.

Glen: [flipping the table up side down] Stop making fun of me.

Female voice: Big penis therapy. It’s therapy.

 

Big Dumb Hat

[Starts with pictures of women enjoying the fall.]

Female voice: Fall. Beauty. Women.

[Cut to Chloe, Amy and Heidi]

All: Hey, girlie.

Amy: Are you like us? A well off woman with perfect makeup and long straight hair?

Heidi: Are you between 20 and 45? And it’s fall outside?

Chloe: Do you want a personality that you can wear on your head?

All: Then you need big dumb hat.

Chloe: This is the hat that makes everyone say, “Oh her!”

Heidi: The hat that makes people think, “Oh, she wearing hat.”

Amy: The hat that says “When I was in high school, I wasn’t mean or nice.”

Heidi: Big.

Amy: Dumb.

Chloe: Hat.

Amy: Big dumb hat comes in colors like tan or… that’s it.

Heidi: And the brim is perfect to touch so people see a big dumb engagement ring. [touching the brim] “Oh, this? Yeah, it a biggie.”

Chloe: Am I a cow girl? No girl. But I got hat.

Amy: I’m plant based. Except for my cow boy hat.

Heidi: If you see me wearing this hat at the airport, you know I’m gonna push my way on before my boarding group.

Chloe: Wow, is your hat even bigger than before?

Amy: You tell me. [she’s wearing a hat that’s too big]

Chloe: You can wear big dumb hat anywhere. The beach or a soccer game.

Heidi: If you see this hat in Starbucks, you know it’s gonna be opening.

All: Big dumb hat.

Heidi: Want to hear a secret? I made a baby in this hat.

Chloe: I named my kids Poet, Story, Lyric, Rire and Arcade.

Amy: I post a picture from my wedding every single day.

Chloe:Can you dance in the hat? Well, you wish we didn’t.

[music playing]

[they are dancing]

Heidi: Don’t you hate how we dance?

Chloe: Hat.

Amy: Dumb.

Heidi: Big.

Chloe: Big dumb hat is the hat that makes your boyfriend say, “It’s me or the hat.”

Amy: It’s the hat that screams, “Wait, I think I forgot to vote. Did I miss it? Can I still get a sticker?” Hat.

Chloe: Pair it with tiny little cursive tattoo.

Amy: Complicated morning routine and fake gluten allergy.

Heidi: Yellow stone watch party and a wood fire pizza oven. Look at that char.

Chloe: And at the end of the day, you’re gonna have a big old crease on your forehead from the hat.

Heidi: How can a man wear a big dumb hat?

Amy: I think so, but let’s find out.

[Marcello walks in wearing a hat]

Marcello: Hello, ladies. Let’s get vulnerable.

Chloe: No, you gotta go.

Heidi: So get your big dumb hat today. Wait, is your hat even bigger.

[Amy is wearing too big hat]

Amy: Maybe.

All: Big dumb hat.

Chloe: From the makers of dumb little dog.

Amy Schumer Stand-Up Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be back. You’re hosting Saturday Night Live. I’ve been so busy. You may have seen my Hulu show “Life and Beth”. And “Inside Amy Schumer” is back on Paramount plus. And I can’t believe I have the honor of being the final host before the midterm abortions. Elections. What did I say? Sorry, I was thinking about what’s at stake if we don’t vote.

People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? Like the whole time I was pregnant, I had this one friend. She kept telling me “You got to do prenatal yoga.”It really helps with the birth.” So I immediately signed up for a C section. But no I did. I had a C. It came out the sunroof. And no matter how you give birth, the doctors will tell you. It could be vaginal, C section, they almost never come out of your butthole, but they tell you no matter what, as soon as you get birth the doctors are very serious. They say you cannot have sex for six weeks. You got it? Six weeks, not sex. I was like, “Okay. I remember when you just Wolverine my FUPA open? Remember that? How about six years? That’s what I think I’ll be ready. Okay? Remember? His foot got caught in my intestines? When can I get raw dog from behind, please?

But my husband and I, we do have a good sex life. We do. Married people, have you found this? We have found that the best week day to have sex is always tomorrow. Yeah, we’re like, “We ate today. Maybe we won’t eat tomorrow. That’ll be a good day for us.” My husband’s the best. He always before we have sex, he puts the lights on. You know? And I shut them off. And he puts them on. And he’s like, “Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.” And I was like, “Oh my God, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me? So sweet.” Right?

But I’ll be honest, it’s awkward. Having sex with your spouse. It is. Because like, that’s your family. I have Thanksgiving with you. I lay out your sweaters. I can’t go down on you. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake. It’s sick. We can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too. Well, I’m always like, “I’m gonna—” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. I’m always like, “Okay, I am in a coma. Go.”

My husband is diagnosed. He’s on the autism spectrum. He has autism spectrum disorder. It used to be called the Aspergers. But then they found out this is true that Dr. Asperger had like Nazi ties, Kanye. It’s weird. Yes, like crazy. But no, it’s been really positive for our family to have him diagnosed. We understand so much more about his behavior. And it’s given him so many tools. Like, now, if somebody is in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. Wnd when people find out that he has autism, like they don’t know much about it. They’re like, “Oh, does he love to count? Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor? He can gather them and count them.” I’m like, “Yeah, that sounds pretty fun. I’d like to do that.” He never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. Different love languages. L like, a couple of weeks ago, we’re sitting outside and it was a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain. And I was feeling kind of sentimental. And I was like—

Even though these past couple years with the pandemic and everything, it’s been so stressful. I said, “Still, this time being with you, being with our son, they’ve been the best years of my life. And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.” Yeah, he’s my guy. It’s one of the times we play the game “Autism or just a man?” Yeah. I don’t know. And I’ll leave you with what he said to me right before I came on stage tonight. I said, “Babe, is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.”

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Steve Lacey is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Ice Cube on Refusing the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week Ice Cube left the upcoming film, “Oh Hell No” after he declined to get the COVID vaccine. Here to comment is Ice Cube.

[Ice Cube slides in]

Ice Cube: Sup, Michael? You know what I’m saying? I’m going through a gangster lumberjack fakes.

Michael Che: I can tell. So, why won’t you get the vaccine, man?

Ice Cube: Hey, Look man, I just rather be myself then take that vaccine like you other 3 billion bozos. T

Michael Che: Yeah, but that’s why you lost this movie.

Ice Cube: Not my loss. Your loss. “Oh Hell No” was going to feature the greatest comedy duo of all time. IceCube, Jack Black. The comedy chemistry crack off, man. You know what I’m saying? Tried to get a catchphrase though.

Michael Che: Oh, hell no?

Ice Cube: That’s actually correct. But because it is crazy vaccine mandate, y’all like never gonna get to hear it.

Michael Che: Unless they replace you.

Ice Cube: Oh, hell nah, man. Who can replace Ice Cube?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Terry Crews?

Ice Cube: Good choice.

Michael Che: Michael B. Jordan.

Ice Cube: Makes even more sense. Hey, the point is this mandate is costing the world my art. I had a bunch of other projects packed into pipe. Check it out bozo. If you like “Barbershop 3: The Next Cut”, you would love the sequel, “Barbershop 4, Just A Little Off The Sides”. But now we can’t make it. Also we don’t make a prequel to the original Friday movie. You’ll never guess what it was called?

Michael Che: Thursday?

Ice Cube: That’s correct again. I was also gonna start a new M. Night Shyamalan movie called “Uh Oh, Twist Comin”. The twist is there ain’t no twist. Everybody went home and the day was a good day.

Michael Che: Cube, if you want to make these movies so bad, why don’t just get vaccinated?

Ice Cube: The better question is, why won’t y’all let me make my favorite project? Featuring the greatest dramatic duo of all time, Ice Cube, Meryl Streep? Eating octopus and traits and all over Mykonos in “Mamma Mia Cubed”. Both of us rockin white linen pants suits, no drawers.

Michael Che: No Drawers? how many movies were you making?

Ice Cube: Enough! That’s just the tip of the bird, bozo. And on top of all of that, now I got to run my Big Three basketball league from home.

Michael Che: Right. That’s the league you created for retired players.

Ice Cube: Yeah, man. And now I can’t go to the games. It’s not the same if you not court side, hearing them knees creek and them backs crack. I mean, where else could you watch a bunch of ballers on the wrong side of 40 play unlikely competitive game or 303?

Michael Che: At any YMCA?

Ice Cube: Indeed, you could. Indeed, you could.

Michael Che: Cube, just answer the question. Why won’t you get vaccinated?

Ice Cube: A bozo. I don’t have to tell anybody about my private medical decisions.

Michael Che: So, you’re afraid of needles, huh?

Ice Cube: Hell, yeah. They scare me.

Michael Che: Ice Cube, everyone. Just say that.

 

Weekend Update- Goober the Clown on Abortion

Colin Jost

Goober the clown… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court heard arguments this week in women’s whole health v. Texas about the controversial Texas law that essentially bans all abortions after just six weeks. Here to cheer us up… Well, this can’t be right, Goober, the clown who had an abortion when she was 23.

[Goober the clown slides in]

Goober the clown: Hey, hey. I’m Goober the clown.

Colin Jost: So goober, you had an abortion when you were 23?

Goober the clown: Whoa, slow down. I’m a clown. Let’s clown around. Hey, smell this flower. [There’s a slower on her chest pocket]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna squirt me, are you?

Goober the clown: Oh, I would never.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay!

[as Colin Jost tries to smell the flower, Goober the clown squirts on him]

Goober the clown: Oh, gotcha. I had an abortion the day before my 23rd birthday. [She’s still squirting water on him]

Colin Jost: Okay. It seems like you do want to talk about your abortion.

Goober the clown: Well, actually, I really don’t. But people keep bringing it up. So, I gotta keep talking about freaking abortion. But it’s a rough subject, so we’re gonna do fun clown stuff to make it more palatable. Whee! [Her bow tie is spinning] Hey, who wants some balloon animal? You want a giraffe? Che?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do this, Cecily.

Goober the clown: Who’s Cecily? I’m Goober. And I wish I didn’t have to do this because the abortion I had at 23 is my personal clown business. But that’s all some people in this country want to discuss all the time. Even though cloud abortion was legalized in Clown V. Wade in Colin Jost973. Here. [Passes the balloon. It doesn’t look like animal at all.]

Colin Jost: Can you stop saying clown abortion? And what is this? [showing the balloon]

Goober the clown: It’s a worm. I don’t know. Hey, did you know one in three clowns will have a clown abortion in their lifetime? You don’t because they don’t tell you. They don’t even know how to talk to other clowns about it. Because when they do talk about it, if you were a clown who wasn’t the victim of something sad like clown says, they think your clown abortion wasn’t a righteous clown abortion. I mean what the dick is that?

Colin Jost: I don’t think you can say that word on the show.

Goober the clown: What? Abortion?

Colin Jost: Well, I guess kind of.

Goober the clown: You know it’s sunny Colin. We’re having fun. Just laugh. Hey, pull my finger.

Colin Jost: No.

Goober the clown: Laugh. I need it. I need you to laugh so hard like the way I laughed when the doctor asked if I got pregnant on the way over to the clinic because I wasn’t very far along. And that is one of my favorite jokes to this day. I love that joke. It’s such a good joke. Not like a funny haha joke. But like a funny you’re not an awful person and your life isn’t over now joke. The best kind. A honka honka!

Colin Jost: Good horn.

Goober the clown: Whoo! I’m not a clown. And in the waiting room, they had a little guestbook where all the clowns could write the clown abortion story for the next clown to read it so she wouldn’t feel so alone. And then years later you’ll be at a dinner with a big group of clowns, one clown will go out on a limb and say she’s had an abortion and then like eight other clowns at the table say they’ve had an abortion too because that’s how common it is. And then everyone’s excited and relieved we talking about it. But it’s like, “Wow, we kept this secret for so long despite being so grateful it happened.” Honka honka!

Colin Jost: So, wait. Are clowns women?

Goober the clown: Excuse me? Wow. Okay, Colin Jost thinks women are clowns. Cool.

Colin Jost: That’s not what I said.

Goober the clown: Let me do some helium. Okay, Colin. Here’s my truth. [takes helium off of balloon and stars speaking in squeaky voice] I know I wouldn’t be a clown on TV here today if it weren’t for the abortion I had the day before my 23rd birthday. Clowns have been helping each other in their pregnancy since the caves. It’s gonna happen, so ought to be safe, legal and accessible. We will not go back to the alley. I mean last thing anyone wants is a bunch of dead clowns in a dark alley.

Colin Jost: Goober the clown, everyone.

Goober the clown: Y’all better disable comments in this one.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Football Team Wins 106-0 and Vaccine Smoothie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of an article that says “High school football team wins 106-0” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school principal has apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct of the school’s football team after they beat another team 106-0. Apology accepted said the Jets.

[Picture changes to to an article that says “Mothers passing on antibodies with breastmilk smoothies]

It was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on COVID vaccine antibodies to their children by making them smoothies with their breast milk. Oh sure. But when I asked for that, I’m escorted out of Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Smith College logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Smith College has become the first woman’s college to eliminate student debt by replacing loans with grants because a lady should never have to pay.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “81 year old pharmacist traded drugs for sex”]

At an 81 year old pharmacist and Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly trading drugs for sexual favors. Wow. [picture changes to Bill Cosby] So, he’s a pharmacist now.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of International Handball Federation logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The International handball Federation’s agreed to allow female players to wear bike shorts instead of bikini bottoms. But they’re still insisting that refs use this whistle. [flirty whistle plays]

[Picture changes to an article that says “30,000 visitors locked inside due to covid]
More than 30,000 people were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland after one visitor tested positive for covid. So, let this be a lesson all you kids out there. If you aren’t more careful about covid, you’ll end up living at Disney World.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marking November 2021 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: National Impotency Awareness Month began on Monday. And I for one thought it’d never come.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a squirrel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a tick tock went viral of a squirrel that appeared to be holding hands with a woman. See? It’s like Che always says, “Gay marriage is a slippery slope.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guy’s face at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A plastic surgeon posted a video on TikTok claiming that the rumor is true that the size of a person’s nose has a direct connection to the size of his penis. Oh, so that’s why Camila’s smiling.

Weekend Update- Biden Passes Infrastructure Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of USA map at left top corner]

Our top story of the night like it’s been for as long as I can remember, infrastructure. Last night, the house passed president Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms. The infrastructure bill will also expand internet access across the US which is great news because when has more internet ever been bad for America? [picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Terry McAuliffe and Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost to republican Glenn Youngkin in Virginia’s governor’s race. But on the bright side, losers from Virginia usually get a statue.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

Political experts say that the republican victory in Virginia’s governor’s race was fuel by support from white women who didn’t go to college. Which just so happens to be the same exact group I target on Tinder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a wake of republican success in this week’s election, house minority leader Kevin McCarthy announced that republicans would introduce a parents bill of rights. Which I’m pretty sure is just a sign you can buy at Home Goods.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of Pfizer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pfizer announced that it has developed an anti-viral pill that can reduce hospitalization among covid patients by nearly 90%. And even better, it makes you harder than trigonometry.

[Picture changes to Edward Durr]

Steven Sweeney, the New Jersey senate president lost his reelection bid in an upset to a truck driver named Edward Durr. Coincidentally, Durr is also the New Jersey state motto.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eric Adams at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: With his victory, Eric Adams will become New York’s second black mayor. Not to be confused with the New York mayor who blacks out. [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

Adams defeated republican Curtis Sliwa who will now return to his previous job as Emily in Paris’s lawyer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Winsome Sears holding a rifle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican Winsome Sears seen here attempting suicide by cop was elected as Virginia’s first black female lieutenant governor. Well, this is actually a win for democrats because nothing will get republicans to support gun control faster than this picture.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former president Trump was filmed doing the Tomahawk Chop at a world series game in Atlanta. Native American group said they found it extremely offensive to see their culture associated with someone who can’t even run a successful casino.

Weekend Update- A Guy Named Brandon on “Let’s Go Brandon”

Michael Che

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The phrase, “Let’s go Brandon”, a right wing euphemism for F Joe Biden has gone viral and can now be found on T shirts and lawn signs across the country. Here to comment on “Let’s go Brandon” phenomenon is a guy named Brandon.

Brandon: Hello. Yes, it’s me. Wow, this has been crazy, Mr. Che. Everyone’s talking about me. Little old Brandon. I just wanna say, CC fam. Thank you for your support. I love my Brand, Stans.

Michael Che: Brandon, maybe you didn’t hear what I just said.

Brandon: At first, I was like, “I don’t understand. Why all the hoopla about me?” I was pretty average guy living with my– Kinda like spider man, but without the superpowers. Right, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: Yeah, sure, sure.

Brandon: Yeah, normal guy. Don’t have tons of friends. Never have. Spent the last 49 bucks on a cameo from the Damn Daniel guys. They’re older now but still really funny. They refuse to say Damn Daniel, but just hearing those guys talk is amazing. Anyway, I was feeling kind of down. And that’s when all over the internet, people started cheering me on saying “Let’s go Brandon”.

Michael Che: Again. Brandon. I hate to tell you this–

Brandon: On the support was just the boost I needed to focus on my true passion. My famous cookie creations.

Michael Che: Cookie creation? What are cookie creations?

Brandon: Well, most cookies are round, right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Brandon: My cookie creations are not round. For instance. Have you ever seen a square cookie, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I have.

Brandon: Didn’t think so. Might be why people are talking about Brandon.

Michael Che: Look. No, wait. I hate to break it to you but “Let’s go Brandon” isn’t about you. It’s cold for F. Joe Biden.

Brandon: No.

Michael Che: Yes.

Brandon: Wouldn’t they just say F Joe Biden?

Michael Che: Right. This is their way of saying that without saying it.

Brandon: But they said Brandon. They said my name.

Michael Che: Yeah, it was kind of like their inside joke.

Brandon: So, I’m a joke? It’s a joke to be Brandon? Like when my uncle tweeted, “Let’s go Brandon”, he wasn’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No, man. He wasn’t.

Brandon: And when those random guys at the football game chanted “Let’s go Brandon”, they weren’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No.

Brandon: Is anyone talking about me?

Michael Che: I don’t think so.

Brandon: So, I’m a loser. I live with my aunt. And every time I pee, it shoots out in different– Like, I can’t get a single stream. It always splits.

Michael Che: Ay. I’m sorry. But maybe we can find a way to pump you up that doesn’t involve word Brandon. Like, what’s your last name?

Brandon: Bad Noodles.

Michael Che: Bad Noodles?

Brandon: It’s Dutch

Michael Che: Well, why don’t we get a “Let’s go Bad Noodles” chant going?

Brandon: Really? Let’s go Bad Noodles. [the audience start chanting] Yes! Everybody!

Michael Che: Brandon Bad Noodles, everybody.

Weatherman

Sherman Bell… Kenan Thompson

Katie Williams… Cecily Strong

Beth Bennington… Punkie Johnson

Todd Baxter… Andrew Dismukes

Riley Cole… Kieran Culkin

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Wake up Rhode Island.

[Cut to Sherman Bell and Katie Williams in their set]

Sherman Bell: Good morning, folks. Sherman Bell alongside Katie Williams.

Katie Williams: Coming up, we’ll hear from Beth Bennington who is down at Cohassett beach with an Eagle Scout on an important mission.

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is standing with scout members]

Beth Bennington: That’s right, Katie. This is Todd Baxter. And Todd, tell us what we’re doing down here.

Todd Baxter: Well, myself and these boy scouts will be picking up trash at the beach all day, right guys?

Boy Scouts: Yeah.

Sherman Bell: That’s wonderful. Can’t wait to hear more about that.

Katie Williams: Me too. But first, let’s take a look at the weather with Riley Cole.

[Riley Cole comes in a split screen. He’s wearing turkey costume.]

Riley Cole: Hey, guys.

Katie Williams: Oh my goodness, Riley. What are you wearing?

Riley Cole: Um, who’s Riley? I’m Turkey Tom.

Sherman Bell: Oh. Turkey Tom, he says. Look, he’s even changed the graphic.

Katie Williams: And why is Turkey Tom honoring us with his presence today?

Riley Cole: Well, because today was the first day that the thermometer dropped below 40. And you know what that means? Time for a fall rap.

Sherman Bell: Oh boy. Here we go.

[music playing]

Riley Cole: [rapping] The leaves are turning all around
and the grass is turning brown
the wind is getting colder and the–

[He’s still rapping and dancing, but he’s been muted. There’s alert sound going on.]

Male voice: This is a Rhode Island weather alert. A severe storm is approaching. Evacuation orders are in place for flood zones one through four. Take only what is necessary. Leave all pets behind. Life threatening winds and flooding expected. May God have mercy on your souls.

Katie Williams: Okay, folks. So, obviously we have a severe weather situation. Riley, how did we not see this storm coming?

Riley Cole: [reading his papers] Well, I was working on the rap all last night. The costume and lyrics, that kind of thing. So, I am a little behind on my weather reports. So, my bad. But now I am seeing. Yeah, yeah. This is a big one. I should have caught it. I apologize for that.

Katie Williams: Okay. Well, why don’t we go to commercial so you can change into something more appropriate?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Well, I would love to but the the Doppler says the landfall could be any minute now. So, let’s take a look at the radar here. [there’s weather graphic behind him] Okay, well, this is the biggest nor’easter that I have ever seen. Let’s see. This is a large fast moving storm. [his funny graphics appear on the storm news] Yeah, sorry. The turkeys were part of the rap. There’s this lyric about how turkeys hate November because the Thanksgiving.

Sherman Bell: Ha-ha. Yeah, you know they do. Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: But anyway, you can see behind the turkeys here. The winds are now reaching– Oh, wow. 190 miles an hour.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Oh, that is very dangerous.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Yeah.

Katie Williams: Take the turkey off your head.

Sherman Bell: Katie, let’s be reasonable. Now, Turkey Tom–

Katie Williams: Don’g call him that.

Sherman Bell: Katie, please. Turkey Tom, could we be looking at structural damage from these winds?

Riley Cole: More than damage, I think some areas could be completely flattened. We should expect many, many casualties.

Katie Williams: Just take the turkey hat off.

Sherman Bell: Boo! Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: Yeah, maybe I should, right?

Katie Williams: Great. And while you do that, we’ll go to Beth Bennington on Cohassett. Beth, any sign of the storm down there?

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is in the storm all soaked and shaken]

Beth Bennington: Yes.

Katie Williams: Oh, wow. Beth where are the boy scouts?

Beth Bennington: The sea took them.

Katie Williams: Oh my god. Okay, Riley. Well, I see you still have the turkey headpiece on?

Riley Cole: I do. Yes. I decided to keep it on in case you want to hear the rest of the rap after the storm.

Katie Williams: Don’t.

Sherman Bell: Boo!

Riley Cole: No, that’s fair. I’m sorry, I look like this. I’m also very sorry that I missed the storm.

Sherman Bell: Hey, that’s not on you.

Katie Williams: yes, it absolutely is. Okay, Let’s go to commercial so Riley can change. Keep it here for more as this dangerous storm develops.

Sherman Bell: And later we’ll hear from a local boy scout troop who is cleaning up the beach.