Tag: Heidi Gardner

Uncle Ben

Alec Baldwin

Aunt Jemima… Maya Rudolph

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Uncle Ben… Kenan Thompson

Allstate guy… Dave Chappelle

Count Chocula… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle in SNL stage speaking to the viewers]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, everybody. I hope you’re having good time at home watching the show. It has been a long hard time. I know a lot of people have lost their jobs and that this climate has unfortunately made a lot of black people lose their jobs. This next piece is about just that. It’s about two black people who’ve lost their jobs because of this new social climate we’re all trying to figure out. Sadly these two black people may never get those jobs back. Enjoy.

[Cut to a office meeting.]

Alec: I’m sorry. It’s just not working out. We have to let you go.

Aunt Jemima: But I’m aunt Jemima! [audience laughing] Who doesn’t love my pancakes?

Mikey: Everyone loves your pancakes, Aunt Jemima.

Alec: It’s you. You’re the problem.

Aunt Jemima: Me? What did I do?

Alec: It’s not what you did. It’s how you make us feel about what we did.

Aunt Jemima: But you can’t fire me. I’m a slave. That’s the only good thing about your job. The job security.

Alec: We understand that.

Aunt Jemima: No. You don’t understand. [sad music playing] All I ever did was my pancakes. And that’s why Aunt Jemima pancakes are the fluffiest, the butteriest, mouth watering pancakes on the shelves. The secret is I use my own breast milk. [winks]

Alec: Aunt Jemima, this is hard for us too. We love you.

Heidi: And thank you for breast feeding our children.

Aunt Jemima: It’s because I’m a woman. Isn’t it? What about uncle Ben?

Uncle Ben: Oh, dammit woman! Don’t you drag me into this mess.

Aunt Jemima: Look. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

Alec: Actually, uncle Ben, she’s right.

Heidi: Yes, we have to let you go too for the same reason.

Uncle Ben: But you can’t do this to me. I’m uncle Ben! I got so many nieces and nephews to take care of.

Mikey: You’ll be fine. Just do something else.

Uncle Ben: But all I know is rice. [sad music playing] White rice. Brown rice. Wild rice. Yellow rice. Four cheese. Basmati.

Alec: Look. It’s not personal uncle Ben. It’s just we have to clean house.

Uncle Ben: Come on, now. We know white people don’t clean their own house.

Aunt Jemima: Yeah. You talking slaves.

Uncle Ben: This is ridiculous. If we can’t work, how come the Allstate guy gets to work?

[Allstate guy stands]

Allstate guy: [bold voice] Now wait a cotton picking minute, uncle Ben. Oh, I knew you’d sell me out.

Uncle Ben: It ain’t personal, son. But if we’re getting fire, you should be getting fired too.

Aunt Jemima: Yeah. Fire Allstate guy too.

Allstate guy: Stop calling me Allstate guy. I have a name. It’s ‘Guy from Waiting to Exhale.’

Alec: Well, whatever your name is, you’re getting fired too.

Allstate guy: Man, I’m not even a food product. I sell security. My deep black voice makes white people feel safe. Like they’re in good hands.

Alec: That may be so. But you’re still black. And it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Allstate guy: Well, I’m a real person. There are mere characters. If anything, why don’t you fire Count Chocula. How come he’s still working, huh?

Count Chocula: What? But I’m not even black. I’m made of chocolate.

Allstate guy: Likely story. Let me tell you something. These streets are going to eat you alive, you chocolaty nigga!

Count Chocula: Don’t call me that.

Aunt Jemima: If he’s chocolate, then I’m chocolate too.

Uncle Ben: Yeah. I’m chocolate too.

Alec: I don’t care what you want to call yourselves. You’re all fired.

Count Chocula: No. But I’m actually chocolate. I’m not black at all.

Allstate guy: [banging the table] Riiculous. Another likely story. Look at them big chocolaty lips behind them fangs. Big old fat lips. Seriously, America. Look at Pete Davidson’s lips.

Count Chocula: Okay. Maybe I got some Italian in there somewhere.

Allstate guy: Some Italian? Then we’ll put you on some spaghetti you chocolate bitch.

Alec: Alright. That’s enough. You’re all fired except for Allstate guy.

Allstate guy: Thank you very much.

Uncle Ben: Alright. Fine. We’ll leave, but remember, you made a very big mistake.

Aunt Jemima: Um-hmm.

Hailstorm

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Rachel… Heidi Gardner

Jean… Kate McKinnon

Rudolph… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with News Center 5 Albany intro]

[Cut to Ego and Alex at their news set]

Ego: Alright. Welcome back to Center 5 Albany. From the coronavirus to the red onion recall, there’s been a lot of difficult news this year.

Alex: And last night was no exception. When a sudden hailstorm hit the nearby town of Pebble Falls.

[Cut to

Ego: On any other day, Pebble Falls is a quaint town with the motto, “Come fro the ice cream, stay for the big Wooden Nickel”.

Alex: And never did citizens think their town would be the site of a freak once in a century natural event, a massive hailstorm that left them running for cover.

[Cut to Rachel, a local shopper]

Rachel: We’ve had crazy weather before but not like this. They were like golf balls.

[Cut to Jean, Wooden Nickel employee.]

Jean: The hail was coming down from the sky. It was like golf balls.

[Cut to Rudolph who works with Jean.]

Rudolph: And me, I found it to be similar to golf balls.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Wow. That sounds scary. So, what happened?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, I was driving and they started hitting my car.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I was closing up shop at the Wood Nickel which is the place where I work.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And I was helping her because I also work at the Nickel. And then all of a sudden, the skies open up hail out of nowhere.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Now, Jean and Rudolph, it sounds like you had a harrowing experience trying to get indoors.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, that’s right. The hail was coming down so hard and we were grabbing on to each other. We could barely see anything.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And then finally we made it up to Jean’s porch and we looked at each other, and we were standing there and… we kissed. On the lips.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. It sounds like an emotional day. What happened next with the hail?

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Well, at that point, the rain had started. And the water level was rising in the streets.

Rudolph: And I remember talking to Jean and saying, “Jean, we kissed.”

Jean: And we sort of pulled away like… [shocked expression] And I was like, “Okay, that happened.”

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah. And hailstorm wise, at that point, Jean, water was going into your house. Were you scared?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Yes. Oh, my. I was terrified. We were holding each other for safety. And his hand wound up on my breast. And it was a friend’s hand. And then at some point, it became a lover’s hand.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, okay. We are asking about the flood, though.

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Okay. And then a rescue crew came and put blankets on us. And I thought, “I’m under blanket with Jean.” And then she turned around and then, well, that was kiss number two.

Jean: Yes. And I opened my mouth for this one.

Rudolph: You know, if I had a nickel for every time we kissed under that blanket, I would have about 45 cent.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay, yeah. Why don’t we turn back to Rachel. Rachel, how were you affected by the events of yesterday?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, my life was absolutely turned up side down.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. Thank you. Say more.

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, you know, they were both my friends and now they’re kissing? Wow! I mean, I’m not sure how I feel about it but check back with me about that please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, we’re definitely not going to do that. So, Jean, Rudolph, can you give us an update on this aftermath? How are things now?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: We’ve been texting.

[Rudolph walks in]

Rudolph: A lot.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Oh, you’re together.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Oh, well, we’re not together. We haven’t have that conversation yet. It’s kind of hard to have that on television.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yeah, Jean, we’re not asking you to.

[cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: But since you asked us to I guess, [Jean turns to Rudolph] I don’t know. What do you think?

Rudolph: Oh, what do you think?

Jean: Rudolph. Please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Several people in your town are missing. Have you been a part of those search efforts?

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph. They’re looking into each other’s eyes.]

Jean: No. I’m done searching

Rudolph: Yes. We have found what we were looking for.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: And Rudolph, I understand your wife is missing?

Rudolph: Is that right?

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yes. She is.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Probably dead, though.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Okay. Thank you Rudolph and Jean. Two coworkers who found something more.

Ego: Don’t you try that with me.

[Ego and Alex start flirting. Then they lean to kiss.]

New York PSA

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

The old lady… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of New York city]

Ego: Thank you, New York.

Heidi: New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: Things got pretty tough this summer.

Heidi: But through it all, we stayed strong.

Chris: We stayed together.

Ego: And we never lost who we are.

Heidi: Because we are New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: New York.

Heidi: And no matter how hard things get…

Chris: We always get through it.

[A woman starts appearing in all clips dancing at the background]

Ego: And we do it our way.

Heidi: Each and every one of us played a part.

Chris: From the nurses who who kept the safe.

Ego: To the essential workers who kept food on our table.

Heidi: To all the neighbors who pitched in.

Chris: And today, some things are different.

Ego: But most things are exactly the same.

Heidi: Beautiful.

Chris: Unbreakable.

Ego: One of a kind

Chris: So, hey, if you’re not from here, come see for yourself.

Ego: The museums, the landmarks–

Heidi: And this lady. [The lady who was dancing is now laying in the park topless.] Sort of a dancing old woman.

Chris: Not homeless. Just, you know, quirky. She has an apartment. She’s just usually outside.

Ego: Like a rent controlled situation. She lives in a 40-floor-walk up. So, when she’s out, she’s out.

Heidi: She has lived in a studio since she was 16 which was 30 or 100 years ago.

Chris: She’s not not a professor at Columbia.

Ego: And until broadway reopens, she’s performing her one woman version of ‘The Lion King’ at the park everyday.

Heidi: New York is not a ghost town.

Chris: It’s his town. It’s her town.

Ego: And it’s definitely her town. [referring to the old lady]

Heidi: So, today, we want to say thank you.

Ego: Thank you.

Chris: Because New York will always be New York.

Heidi: And we’re so proud to say…

Ego: The people just crazy enough to call this place home will always be here.

The old lady: I love New York!

 

The Bachelor

Ben K … Beck Bennett

Hannah C. … Heidi Gardner

Hannah Alexis C. … Chloe Fineman

Adele

Lauren Holt

[Starts with ‘The Bachelor’ intro]

Male voice: Tonight on abc, it’s a special bonus season of ‘The Bachelor’. And this time he’s 5’11″… and a half!

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Hey, there. I’m Ben K. When I was in high school, I threw a shopping card at a gay kid’s head. But now I’m here ready to final up. And there’s so many incredible girls to choose from.

[Cut to introduction of the ladies]

Hannah C.: Hi. I’m Hannah C. I’m 20. And I have the oldest face for young person you’ll ever see.

Hannah Alexis C.: Hey, I’m Hannah Alexis C. I’m 21 and next year, I’ll be 22.

Adele: Hi, I’m Adele Adkins. I’m 32. You may know me for being the singer Adele. I’m here coz I’ve had a lot of heart break in my life. First at 19 and then sort of famously at 21 and then even more famously at 25. But I have a relly good feeling about Ben K. It’s only night one, yes. But I can already tell he’s going to be the next love of my life.

[Cut to the show where Ben K is talking to the girls.]

Ben K: Hey, girls. I just want to say this has been such a great night. I really enjoyed laughing with each and everyone of you. Even though none of us ever said a joke once. [all girls laughing] And this was a hard decision but I’ve decided to give the first impression to Hannah C.

Adele: Wait, what? You’re giving it to Hannah C.?

[music starts playing. The lights dim and the focus light is on Adele. She stands and walks up front to sing.]

[singing] I heard that you’re settled down
that you found a girl and you’re married now

Ben K: Adele?

Adele: I hear that your dreams came true.

Ben K: Adele! Adele! [music stops] Hey, sorry. I am not married to Hannah C. It was just the one rose. You’re still in this.

Adele: I am?

Hannah C.: Yes, girl. There’s like, 40 episodes left. So, I’d pace yourself emotionally. Coz we’ve been here for 10 minutes and you’ve already sung that a few times.

Adele: Oh god. Sorry about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Yeah, I’d say out of all the girls in the house so far, I probably have the most in common with Hannah C and the least in common with pop superstar Adele. But our relationship is the one that’s moving the fastest mainly because Adele is making you do that.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele in the park]

Ben K: Adele, you look so nice tonight.

Adele: Thank you. You look pretty amazing too. In fact I’d guess I’d sort of say …

[music starts playing]

Ben K: Oh, we’re singing again.

Adele: [singing] You look like a movie, you sound like a song
my god this reminds me, of when we were young
Let me photograph you in this light

Ben K: Adele! Adele! Adele! [music stops] Can we just talk? This is really more of a talking show.

Adele: Oh, I keep forgetting about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Hannah Alexis C. at the back stage]

Hannah Alexis C.: You know, I absolutely love being on ‘The Bachelor’ but it has been sort of hard to get alone time with Ben with so many other girls in the house. Including Adele. Specially Adele. The problem is Adele.

[Cut to Ben K and Hannah Alexis C. in the park]

Hannah Alexis C.: It’s so nice to finally have some alone time with you.

Ben K: I know. So, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?

[As Hannah Alexis C. is going to answer, music starts playing. This annoys both Ben K and Hannah Alexis C.]

Hannah Alexis C.: Oh, my god!

Adele: [singing] Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet

Hannah Alexis C.: Okay, Adele! [music stops] No, okay? It has not been years since you’ve seen Ben. You’ve been singing to him all night.

Adele: Oh my god. I know. You’re so right, Hanna. I’m being a right prick yet again. I will leave you two alone. Good bye.

[Adele leaves]

Hannah Alexis C.: [sigh] This is so much better.

Ben K: Yes. So much better.

Hannah Alexis C.: Though, I do feel kind of weird that I yelled at the actual Adele to go away.

Ben K: I wouldn’t worry about it.

Hannah Alexis C.: Why?

Ben K: Because she’s back. I can see her in the bushes right behind us.

[Cut to Adele hiding behind the bushes]

[music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] Hello from inside this bush

Hannah Alexis C.: [annoyed] I am going back into the mansion.

[Cut to Adele]

Adele: So, I think night one’s been an absolute smash, but I’m starting to get the feeling that I might be coming on a bit strong. I think Ben K sort of likes that more laid back American vibe. So, for the rest o the night, I’ve decided that I’m going to play it really, really chill and cool.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele talking at the party.]

Adele: You know, if you want to talk to someone else, it’s totally fine.

Ben K: Really?

Adele: Yeah. I don’t even know if I even really like you that much. If it works out, it works out.

[Lauren walks in]

Lauren: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Adele immediately breaks the wine glass in her hand]

[music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ‘head and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare

Lauren: Okay, I’m a huge fan but I don’t feel safe with her here.

Ben K: Okay, you know what? I know there’s still 20 minutes left in the show but I think we got a call with you, Adele. It’s been a very intense night and I think you should leave the mansion.

Adele: I don’t know if I’d call this a mansion. But I understand. Good luck, ladies. And thank you, Ben. And I will now leave and I will go quietly. I promise. There will be no more drama from me.

[Adele just walks away]

Lauren: Well, that’s so sad.

Ben K: I know. I kind of wanted her to finish ‘Someone Like You’.

Lauren: Wait, I think I can see her coming back. [music starts playing] Yep, there she is.

[Adele walks back with a mic]

Adele: [singing] I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

[everyone stands up and starts rocking their bodies to Adele’s song]

I had hoped you’d see my face
And that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over

All: Yes, she is singing it!

Adele: Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
“Don’t forget me, ” I beg
I remember you said
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”

Thank you everyone. Catch me next week on ‘Love Island’.

Madame Vivelda

Spencer… Bowen Yang

Anne… Adele

Tiffany… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Psychic… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with visitors walking in the psychic’s place]

Spencer: Oh my god, this place is so cool.

Anne: I know. I always wanted to get a psychic reading.

Tiffany: My god, is anyone here? I really want to get one.

[The psychic walks in]

Psychic: You want to see the future? Sit and I will tell you what lies ahead [the visitors take seats] for Madame Vivelda knows all.

Ego: Oh yes, that would be great.

Tiffany: Yes, this year has been so insane and hard. We kind of want to skip ahead and just see what next year holds instead.

Spencer: Yeah. 2019 has sucked but I think 2020 is going to be our year.

Psychic: Um, okay. Who wants to go first?

Tiffany: I’ll go. [Psychic starts reading Tiffany’s palm] Madame Vivelda, things are getting kind of serious with my boyfriend and I’m curious if you see us moving in together next year?

Psychic: Okay. Let me see. Let me look. Okay, yes, I see you. You are in your home and your boyfriend is there. Yes, you are there in the home you share together. Okay. Yes, I see he is washing a bag of doritos with soap and you are screaming at him. You’re crying and you’re screaming. You’re screaming, “That’s not enough soap. You need to use more soap. I don’t want to get it from a bag of chips.”

Tiffany: What? Get what from chips?

Psychic: The vision is gone. Who wants to go next?

Tiffany: Wait, I still want to know why I’m washing chips next year.

Anne: Madame Vivelda, I’ll go. I’m sort of up for a big promotion in March and I’m wondering if you see anything work related for me.

Psychic: Yes, okay. Let me see. [Psychic starts reading Anne’s hand] No. I do not see work. I see you on the phone with a man from FedEx and you are crying. You’re saying, “Where is my adult coloring book? I need my adult coloring book.”

Ego: Wait, Anne, do you color?

Anne: No, of course I don’t color.

Ego: It’s okay if you do.

Anne: I don’t color. Her psychic vision just must be off. It doesn’t sound anything like me. I like going to museum and concerts and stuff like that.

Psychic: No, no. I see no concerts in 2020. Only coloring. Monday, coloring. Tuesday, coloring. All the days, coloring. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Okay, who’s next?

Spencer: I guess me, but I don’t know if I want to go anymore.

Anne: Yeah. I mean, let’s just get out of here.

Psychic: No, no. [pointing at Spencer] You, you. Give me your palm. I actually sense a lot of fun travel in your future.

Spencer: Oh, you do? Okay, good. Actually, me and my boyfriend are planning to fly to Paris in May.

Psychic: Ah, that’s fun. But no. I don’t see you flying to Paris. I see you driving to Kentucky. Yes. And you are peeing inside a bag in the car because you are afraid to use the gas station bathroom. So, you pee in the bag, he pees in the bag and on and on until Kentucky

Anne: Wait, why does he go to Kentucky?

Spencer: Yeah. What do we do in Kentucky?

Psychic: Ah, let’s see. Yes, yes. Okay. Oh, on the first day, you notice a small rash on your finger and you spend the day crying and googling ‘is rash on finger part of it?’

Spencer: Part of what?

Ego: Oh my god. All your vision mentions us crying. Do we just cry for all of 2020?

Psychic: No, not always. For example, [pointing at Anne] I can see you on your birthday and you’re very happy. You get everything you asked for.

Anne: Oh, I do? What do I ask for?

Psychic: Stamps. You ask everyone in your life to buy stamps and they do. They all buy the stamps and you say, “Take that postmaster General Louis DeJo.

Anne: What? Why do I know the full name of the postmaster general in 2020?

Spencer: Okay, girls, listen. I know a lot of this sounds scary but hey, we all still have each other next year, right?

Psychic: Oh. My poor Spencer. No, you won’t. Because in June, you will do something so terrible, your friends will never speak to you again.

Spencer: Oh my god. What do I do? You eat inside a restaurant.

Anne: Hey, that’s it?

Ego: He just eats in a restaurant and we cut him out of our lives completely?

Psychic: Exactly.

Spencer: Okay, I don’t know why it’s bad but I’m so sorry I do that, girls.

Girls: No, we’re sorry.

Psychic: No, no. What is this? I am seeing one final vision and it is very dark. Who here is Tiffany Tuban?

Tiffany: I am.

Psychic: Yes. I am seeing your father, Tiffany. And he’s on a Zoom and his wiener’s out on the Zoom.

Tiffany: What? What even is a Zoom?

Psychic: I do not know but your father is definitely on it and his wiener is definitely out and it’s not a great wiener, Tiffany. Eh! No, actually I see it’s getting harder. It’s actually fine.

Anne: Okay, we gotta go. This is too much.

Psychic: Okay, but girls do me a favor. If any of you see J.K. Rowling, please tell her stick to the books.

Africa Tourism

Kate McKinnon

Adele

Joanne… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with with the intro]

Male voice: The following is a message from a tourism board of Africa.

[Cut to Blonde 1 and Blonde 2 walking on a beach.]

Blonde 1: Sun.

Blonde 2: Breeze.

Blonde 1: Ocean.

Blonde 2: Mountains and beautiful…

Both: … beautiful Africa.

Blonde 1: Witness the wonder. The escape, the story.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: The sandy beaches, the massive bamboo.

Blonde 1: The wildlife. The culture.

Blonde 2: The food. The night life.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

Blonde 2: And history and lush dangly foliage.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: Leave ordinary behind.

Blonde 1: After my divorce, I yearned for a new beginning.

Blonde 2: And we’re better new in crystal waters and sandy beaches of Africa.

Blonde 1: The humpback whales. The tall, tall tribesmen. The bamboo.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: After my divorce, I took in the breathtaking views and delicious cuisine of Africa.

Blonde 1: So, what are you waiting for? Set sail for Africa.

Blonde 2: All of Africa.

Blonde 1: Zimbabwe, Kenya.

Blonde 2: Ghana, Tanzania.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

Blonde 2: The sky. The coconut water.

Blonde 1: You’re gonna want that coconut water.

Blonde 2: Last night, I saw the face of god.

Blonde 1: After my divorce, I moved to Mombasa and was taken in by the Masai tribe where I was ordained as a minister of joy.

Blonde 2: Me too.

[Blonde 3 walks in.]

Blonde 3: Me three. Hi. I’m Joanne.

Blonde 1: Oh, that’s our name too.

Blonde 3: Right on. I first moved to beautiful Africa after my divorce. I met a wonderful friend on a computer. He invited me to a lovely ocean waters of Gambia.

Blonde 1: Oh, Gambia. So much bamboo.

Blonde 2: Beaucoup bamboo.

[two black men carrying a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 3: Once I got here, I knew I had to explore the rest of the magical, magical lands of Africa.

Blonde 2: Jungles. The mountains. The ranges.

Blonde 3: The rhythm. The drums. The pounding.

Blonde 1: The fanning yourself with a palm between rounds.

Blonde 2: I found such a deep, deep connection here.

Blonde 3: You can feel it in your stomach.

Blonde 1: Tell your travel agent you want to see Africa. All of it.

Blonde 3: From Angola to Jamaica.

Blonde 1: Not Egypt.

Blonde 2: Yes, very dry there. No bamboo.

Blonde 1: So leave the kids at home.

Blonde 2: Leave everything at home. Bring no one.

Blonde 3: Except yourself and some money and some men’s sneakers.

Blonde 1: And don’t tell anybody you’re going.

Blonde 2: To beautiful, beautiful Africa.

Blonde 1: Africa.

Blonde 3: Africa.

Blonde 1: You’re gonna want that coconut water.

Male voice: The number one destination for divorcées of a certain age. Africa. We’ll leave the light on for you.

Weekend Update- Famous 80’s Cocaine Wife Carla on NYC Nightlife

Michael Che

Carla… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York city bars and clubs have been closed for seven months due to the pandemic. Here to comment of the state of night life industry is famous 80’s cocaine wife, Carla.

[Carla slides in]

Carla: Hi Michael.

Michael Che: I’m great, Carla.

Carla: Yeah? You good? How’s the family? How’s Kate? She good? Kenan? Oh, you know Kenan makes me laugh, Michael. He makes me laugh.

Michael Che: Yeah, they’re good. Everybody’s good.

Carla: Yeah? So, where’s the afterparty? Where are we going tonight, Michael?

Michael Che: Well, there’s no after party, Carla. There’s a virus.

Carla: No party? Oh, come on, Michael. Where’s the party? I mean Leos, what? You, me, Lorne and a fat lasagna at 3AM Michael.

Michael Che: There’s no party. We all have to go to work. And we want everybody want to be safe.

Carla: But I want to dance, Michael. [stands and starts rocking her body] I wanna dance. Don’t you want to dance with me? Colin will dance with me. Won’t you, baby? Colin loves beautiful women.

Colin Jost: Yes, I don’t want to be involved in this.

Carla: I’m sorry. You know what? I gotta powder my nose. [opens her make up box, looks at the mini-mirror, then sniffs the cocaine.]

Michael Che: Oh, Carla! No, what are you doing?

Carla: Oh, I’m good, Michael. I’m good.

Michael Che: Carla, you’re supposed to be here to talk about night life. A lot of people lost their jobs.

Carla: Jobs? I have tone of jobs, Michael. Dice blower, home wrecker, painter. Plus my husband Bobby has a lot of men working for him.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. And what exactly does your husband do?

Carla: Scafolding garbage construction. He’d be jealous if he knew I was talking to you. Let’s call him.

Michael Che: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Carla: [on the phone] Hi, baby. Yes. No, it’s me. Yes, I’m good. I’m at church. No, I’m not with Michael. That’s done.

Michael Che: Wait, what done?

Carla: Yes, he’s right here. Michael, he wants to talk to you and he’s really angry.

Michael Che: No! You know what Carla? I think it’s time for you to go really.

Carla: Oh, Michael. [making crying face] No. Don’t get rid of me, Michael. I’m sure I’m a little rough round the edges but I’m still the same girl you met at the Update just three minutes ago. Let me give you a son, Michael. Let me try.

Michael Che: No, Carla.

Carla: Let me try.

Michael Che: You really need to calm down.

Carla: [pulls out a gun] You calm down.

Michael Che: You have a gun?

Carla: [starts acting like she’s being hit] Ou! You’re hurting me, Michael. Ou.

Michael Che: Nobody is touching you.

Carla: [slowly takes her makeup box out again] Oh, let me pop my nose. [sniffs cocaine] Ah! So, where’s the afterparty?

Michael Che: Carla, everybody

Carla: Directed by David O’ Russel.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

VP Fly Debate Cold Open

Susan Page… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Jill Biden… Heidi Gardner

Scientist… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with vice-presidential debate intro]

Male voice: And now, the thing that will change everyone’s minds. The vice-presidential debate.

[Cut to Susan Page in her set]

Susan Page: Good evening. I’m Susan Page and I missed book club for this. Tonight, we’ll be discussing who cares number of topics, each lasting I couldn’t tell you minute. But one thing is for sure. If anything’s gonna be trending on Twitter tonight, it’ll be one of the humans involved in this debate. Let’s welcome them now. Vice president Mike Pence [Mike Pence walks in] and senator Kamala Harris [Kamala Harris walks in spraying sanitizer] [cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Oh! Oh! Oh! That’s right. The scent-tator from Kamala-fornia is present.

Susan Page: Thank you, senator. And tonight, you’ll notice that between the candidates, we’ve installed buffet-styled sneeze guards on account of one of you works for patient zero.

Mike Pence: It’s actually fine by me, Susan. Susan PageMike Pence feet apart and separated by plexiglass is how mother and I sleep.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, my first question is for you.

Mike Pence: Thank you.

Susan Page: The topic is coronavirus.

Mike Pence: Dammit.

Susan Page: Now, you were in charge of the coronavirus task force, and since you took charge, over Mike Pence00,000 Americans have died. How do you explain that?

Mike Pence: Well, Susan, I’d like to begin by stalling hard. We’re in Utah, wow, what a magnificent state. Even though their basketball team is named after my greatest fear, Jazz. I yield the remainder of my time.

Susan Page: Alright. Senator Harris.

Kamala Harris: You see, this is what they do, Susan. They avoid taking any responsibility–

Mike Pence: We do not.

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking. I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: Yeah. Well, I’m just trying–

Kamala Harris: I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: Yes, but–

Kamala Harris: Yeah, but I’m speaking. See, I’m speaking right now. Estoy hablando Nevada, Arizona, some parts of Texas. I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: I understand that. I understand.

Kamala Harris: Yeah. I don’t think you do. Because you talking and I’m speaking. See, this administration has consistently lied to us about the virus. They said they wanted to keep us calm, but let me ask the American people this, how calm were you when you didn’t know where you were going to get your next roll of toilet paper? Huh? How calm were you when you were staring at that cardboard tube when you finished the roll and you thought, “Well, it’s technically paper.” And how calm were you when even that tube was gone and you looked at your old t-shirts and a pair of scissors and thought, “Are we doing this?” Now, I’d like to hear the vice-president’s response, and while he speaks, I’m gonna smile at him like I’m in a TJ Maxx and a white lady asked me if I work here.

[Kamala Harris is nodding her head and smiling]

Mike Pence: Look, I promise you, the president has taken this virus seriously since the very beginning of last week.

Kamala Harris: Okay, now Susan, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna switch to more of a Clair Huxtable side eye.

[Kamala Harris is looking at Mike Pence with her side eye]

Mike Pence: President Trump puts the health of all Americans way ahead of his own personal and financial gain.

Kamala Harris: Okay. So now what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna fix my face so you have no idea what I’m thinking, but black women at home knows exactly what I’m thinking. And a few of the white women. And all of the gays.

[Kamala Harris acts like she’s wearing makeup]

Mike Pence: But enough of covid. Lets on the two issues Americans do care about. Swine flu and fracking.

Kamala Harris: Now if anyone should be talking about fracking, it’s my guy Joe Biden. Joe Biden fracks in his free time. Joe Biden will frack you so good, Pennsylvania, and while I personally wanted to ban fracking, now that I know Pennsylvania loves it, I just want to say this. [in accent] You guys can bet your wawa cheesesteak hoagie and all the water in the Schuylkill river, then Joe Biden need to be fracking. Go Wagles!

Susan Page: Now Mr. Vice President, I have to ask this. What is the current health of president Trump?

Mike Pence: Thank you for asking, Susan.

Susan Page: Oh, I wasn’t asking out of sympathy, Mike. I was asking with a shimmering rage for his incompetence in a sadistic hope that he is not well.

Mike Pence: Unfortunately for you then, the president is doing amazing. Thanks to his team of terrified doctors. As you heard from his primary physician Dr. Handsome Liar, Trump is in peak physical condition.

Susan Page: [with disappointed face] Uh-huh. And to be clear, what medication has the president taken?

Mike Pence: Almost none, Susan. He has taken Asprin which he’s always taking, an injection of experimental monoclonal antibodies, a macho man Randy Savage amount of steroids, a woman’s pro-biotic for balance and 60 cc of helium into his skull, so his head doesn’t fall over on TV.

Susan Page: So, like a balloon head?

Mike Pence: That’s correct. Like a balloon head. He is also taking viagra for morale and some horny goat weed he bought at a gas station, because the president believes in medicine. Unlike senator Harris who said she wouldn’t even take a vaccine.

Kamala Harris: Look, if Dr. Fauci says a vaccine is good, I will be the first in line like it’s an Ann Taylor sample sale. But if Trump says it’s safe, I will throw that vaccine in the trash like last week’s shrimp pad thai. Besides, mama’s got all the vaccine she needs right here. [she pulls her martini glass in.]

Susan Page: And senator Harris, if elected, would you pack the supreme court?

[Kamala Harris spits out the martini]

Kamala Harris: Susan, instead of answering that exact question, I would like to tell you the story of when Joe picked me to be his running mate. Joe told me we were just going out for dinner. Then he got down on one knee and that’s when I knew that he needed help up. After that, he gathered himself and said, “Kammala, let’s do this.” And I said, “it’s Kamala.” And he said, “I will never ever, ever get that right.”

Susan Page: That’s very sweet. And vice president Pence, how did president Trump ask you?

Mike Pence: He texted me “Oh my god. I can’t believe those religious psychos made me pick Pence.” And then he texted, “Oops, wrong person.” Then he hasn’t texted me since. Oh, except in March when he wrote “coronavirus is your’s now.”

Kamala Harris: And what did you do to stop that virus? Because Joe Biden and I have a plan.

Mike Pence: Oh, like swine flu?

Kamala Harris: What?

Mike Pence: Swine flu. 2 million dead.

Kamala Harris: 2 million?

Mike Pence: 2 million if you include the swine. Those poor little piggies.

Kamala Harris: Okay. This fool’s up here talking about dead pigs.

[Cut to Joe Biden in his home with his wife watching the debate]

Joe Biden: Lord, love a duck. Kamala can’t get a word in edgewise. This joker drops more road apples than a bull eating a bran muffin.

Jill: Calm down, Joe. It’s okay.

Joe Biden: No, it’s not, Jill. I need to do something. [stands] I need to teleport to that debate and save the soul of this nation. [feeling dizzy] Woah! Got up way too fast.

[There’s a scientist at Joe Biden’s home]

Scientist: But sir, the teleportation machine is not ready yet. M-tracks says it needs at least six more months.

Jill: You heard him, Joe. It’s too dangerous. And what about COVID protocols?

Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I’ll wear a mask… on my eyes.

[The teleportation count-down begins. Joe Biden gets inside the machine. There’s a fly in the time machine too.]

[Cut to Mike Pence speaking at the debate. There’s that fly on his head.]

Mike Pence: And that is how president Trump will make the economy better by making it worse.

Susan Page: I’m sorry to interrupt vice-president Pence. There’s a–

Mike Pence: War on police in this country? I couldn’t agree more.

Susan Page: No, no. There’s a giant–

Mike Pence: Lack of respect for militias? You’re darn right.

Susan Page: No. Senator Harris, help me out.

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. I’m good. Looking real good, Mike. Keep it up.

[Cut to Joe Biden as a fly on Mike Pence’s hair.]

Joe Biden: Let me at him! Buzz, let me at him!

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, do you not feel that at all?

Mike Pence: I’ll tell you what I feel, Susan. I feel for the businesses that are going to be crippled by Joe Biden’s tax cuts.

Joe Biden: Yes, yes. Your economy is so on the toilet, I wanna lay my eggs on it. What? What?

[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]

Jill: Oh, no. There must have been a fly in the teleportation machine. That’s why Joe turned into a fly.

Scientist: Yeah. But that doesn’t explain why he sounds like Jeff Goldblum.

[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]

Jeff Goldblum: God created dinosaurs. Dinosaurs became republican. Republicans created Trump. Trump destroys god. Oh!

[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]

Jill: Oh, no. Now he’s gone full Goldblum.

Scientist: He even has the glasses.

[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]

Jeff Goldblum: apartments.com. The most popular place to find a place. No, no. Yes, yes. Because life finds way.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President.

[Now there are two flies on Mike Pence’s head]

Mike Pence: Yes.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, there’s another one.

Mike Pence: Another Antifa rally? No surprise there.

Kamala Harris: Oh, honey. At this point, I’m just enjoying the show. [Kamala Harris pulls out and starts eating popcorn]

[Cut to two flies, Jeff Goldblum and Herman Cain]

Herman Cain: Man, what kind of nonsense is Mike Pence trying to pull?

Jeff Goldblum: Do tell, do tell. Wait, I’m sorry. Friend, you look familiar.

Herman Cain: Well, I better. I’m Herman Cain reincarnated as a damn fly. And these fools, Trump and Pence killed me, man. They invited me to a rally with no mask. Said, “Everything is fine, Herman.” I catch corona. Trump tell me, “Everything is fine, Herman.” The White House doctors, they checked me out and they said, “Everything fine, Herman.” Three days later, I’m gone. If you watching this at home, don’t trust this white devil about corona.

Susan Page: Yes, vice president Pence, I think one of your flies is screaming at you.

Tiny voice: Whity’s gonna give you the corona.

Susan Page: Okay, I think we need to shut this debate down for the good of humanity. Senator Harris, would you like to do what everyone at home wants to do?

[Kamala Harris is holding a fly killer racket]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I would.

[Kamala Harris hits on Mike Pence’s head]

Susan Page: Flies, anything else you’d like to add?

[Cut to the two flies. Herman Cain is injured by the hit.]

Herman Cain: Oh! Am I dying again?

[Fly Jeff Goldblum pukes]

Jeff Goldblum: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Herman Cain and Jeff Goldblum: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Sam Adams

Heidi Gardner

Kevin R. … Alex Moffat

Jonathan E. … Beck Bennett

Sean S. … Bill Burr

Kori A. … Ego Nwodim

Daria C. … Lauren Holt

Son… Mikey Day

[Starts with Heidi serving the beer in glass and speaking.]

Female voice: Sam Adams has brewed signature beers in the heart of Boston since 1984. So who better to try out our Jack-O Pumpkin Boston Ale than real Bostonians?

Kevin R.: You know, it’s got that great Sam Adams taste, but the pumpkin flavor. Really kicks it up a notch.

Jonathan E.: I love Sam October fest, but I think this might even be better.

[Seas S. takes of sip of beer and spits it out.]

Sean S.: Jesus Christ. What the [bleep] is that?

Kori A.: Okay. This is the perfect beer for sweater weather.

Sean S.: Okay, let’s try this for real. [Sean S. drinks a whole glass of beer at once.] I don’t like that.

Daria C.: I’m not a really beer drinker, but this might change that.

Sean S.: This is a kind of beer somebody brings to a party at your house and then just sits in the fridge for like, 8 months. And then one day, your buddy comes your home and he’s like, “Hey, you got a beer?” And I’m like, “Well, you know, I got this pumpkin shit.” So, you drink it. And, you know, gets you a buzz.

[His son is behind him shopping]

Son: Pop, come on!

Sean S.: [yelling] I’m coming!

Son: You’ve been sitting there for half an hour and I have to work.

Sean S.: I’m enjoying myself. You know, you’re just like your mother! [son walks away] Oh, there you go.

Kori A.: You guys should sell this year around. Seriously, it’s so–

[Sean S. walks behind Kori A. interrupting the video.]

Sean S.: Sorry, sorry. Just grabbing one more. [He opens the bottle and spills the beer everywhere.] Oh, watch it. My bad.

Jonathan E.: I can definitely taste the hops.

[Sean S. is shopping his groceries being very loud with his son.]

Sean S.: Hot Tots, Reese’s Puffs? What are you, eight? Go get some stop & shop corn flakes in the Welfare Bag. [his son is staring at him] What’s that look? Are you gonna take a swing at me? Is today the day? Hah? Is this the day that you swing at your old man? Is that what it is? Come on, you a man now? [son walks away] Didn’t think so.

[Son throws a bag of corn flakes at him. They start fighting.]

Female voice: Sam Adams Jack-O Pumpkin Ale, real Bostonians agree.

All: It’s a winner.

Sean S.: You know, it’s kind of sweet and [bleep] but, you know, there’s nothing else to drink. You guys called the cops?

Gospel Play Promo

Kenan Thompson

Bill Burr

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

[Starts with short clips of the show]

Male voice: North Carolina come on down to the Raleigh Praise Center to catch the opening weekend of Kim Fitzgerald’s new play, ‘God, don’t let Whitey take the house’. The Cole’s are a good Christian family.

Kenan: Now, y’all kids know you ain’t got nothing that can touch your temptations.

[Kenan starts laughing]

Male voice: Watch as they take not one, not two but all the white devils for this epic three night event. Enjoy all your favorites like Chet Roth as evil white landlord “Merriwether Windbanks”.

Merriwether Windbanks: Now you give me that rented A or you and your family have to be homeless.

Kenan: [yelling] Why?

Male voice: The Coles are gonna beg but Whitey just don’t give a damn.

Kenan: [speaking on the phone] I collect all orders from Jesus.

Male voice: But no worries. God’s got their back and he’s willing. Returning to the stage, we have stunning Charlotte Amory as Mrs. Baker, the guidance counselor.

[Cut to Mrs. Baker and Ego at school.]

Mrs. Baker: You expect me to believe he got these scores with no help?

Ego: He did have help, from Jesus!

Male voice: Introducing Topher Beatty as a devious white mayor ‘Williams Kingsbury’.

[Cut to Williams Kingsbury and Derome at veranda]

Derome: You can’t just come in here and take the house that my daddy built.

Williams Kingsbury: Derome, is it? Son, I’m the mayor of this town and I’m rezoning this property for a haunted house. But there is a way for you to stop the construction.

Derome: What is it? Whatever it is, I know god will help make it happen.

Williams Kingsbury: I want you to sleep with my wife while I watch.

Derome: Now you know I can’t do that. I’m a Christian man.

Williams Kingsbury: Boys! Tear it down.

[Bulldozer sound]

Derome: [crying] Jesus!

Male voice: New comers Tanesha Jenkins and Rebecca Longfellow blaze the staze.

[Cut to Tanesha and Rebecca at an office.]

Rebecca: Why can’t I have the job, Ms. Waterberry? I need it to save my momma’s house.

Tanesha: It’s your butt. It’s too much.

Rebecca: [looking at her own butt] Damn!

Male voice: And you know you don’t want to miss Saturday’s matinee. For Kenan night only, SNL’s Pete Davidson joins the cast as 90’s R&B star John B.

[Cut to Pate Davidson singing to Ego]

Pete: [singing] Don’t listen to what people say

I know I’m white, but I go to black barber shop, I love church, and I got my own business doing yacht work. Will you marry me?

Ego: Yes! Thank you Jesus.

[Williams Kingsbury walks in]

Williams Kingsbury: Not so fast.

[gunshot sound]

Male voice: Don’t be the only person who doesn’t know how it all goes down. “God, don’t let whity take the house.]