Tag: Kate McKinnon

Ronda Rousey Monologue

Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.]

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

[Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Flirting at the bar

Ronda Rousey

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

[Starts with three ladies walking to the bar at the club.]

Ronda: Three martinis please.

[Cut to three guys looking at the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Kate: Oh-oh! These guys were staring at you. [Cut to the guys walking towards the ladies] And I think they’re coming over here.

Jay: Yo, girl!

Taran: What’s up, girl?

Beck: Hello girl.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: Sorry guys, we’re kind of just having girls night.

[Cut to the guys]

Jay: Oh! Well, that’s perfect.

Taran: Yeah, coz actually we was looking to have girls night too.

Beck: Ha-ha. TJ, he’s such a mac. We’re all macs. We’re all player macs actually.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: Not interested.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: No, no, no. We’re not checking to see if you’re interested. We’re checking to see if you all think you can handle us.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.

[Cut to the guys]

Jay: Oh really?

[music playing]

[rapping] We won’t waste your time talking paper we stack in there
let us tell you about how we pack

Taran: Got a D so big you could ride it like a boat
throw it on the water, walk across it like a moat

Jay: I’ve even heard people say mine’s too much
I pulled it out my pants and I played double dutch

Taran: It’s no urban legend but take it from me
I let it sit shotgun, I can ride HOV

Beck: Don’t worry about mine I’ll go down on you

[Cut to the ladies looking confused]

[Cut to the guys. Jay and Taran are looking at Beck disappointed]

Jay: Faster than the train, you know what? Speeding bullet
so black and big, it was raised by Sandara Bullock

Taran: I walk with three lights when I’m not ever trying
If you was pinocchio’s nose, you’d know he was lying

Beck: Whatever! I’ll just go down on you
And I don’t take my pants off!

[Cut to the ladies looking speechless at what Beck is saying]

[Cut the guys]

Jay: You can get on the back and ride it like a rocket
it looked like an anaconda’s sticking out my pocket

Beck: Must be nice!

Taran: It stays hard like I keep it in the freezer
it leans to the left like the tower of Pisa

Beck: I’ll throw you on the bed, my pants are on
my shirt is on, my hat is on
my socks are on, my jacket’s on
blurred lines!

[Cut the the ladies shaking their heads]

Taran: I got more sausage than New Orleans got gumbo
When I pull down my pants, it looked just like Dumbo

Beck: When I pull down my pants, there’s another pair of pants
pants on, no negotiation!

Jay: Come on home with me, and I’ll break you off carpet
if my thing had a voice, it would sound like Mufasa

Beck: We’ve been doing all the talking let’s let her talk
like what’s your favorite passion and way to dance?
is it belly bottoms or the boogie-woogie?
or satin blows and cha-cha-cha

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re not even trying to rhyme.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: I am trying!

Taran: Yo girl, want some good time? Come roll with me
coz my thing goes deeper than poetry

Jay: When they see it, they get show
wank to it and use it as a lasso

Beck: I got a great job. I’ll go down on you. What are we even– I don’t love it but I’ll do it!

[Cut to the guys nodding to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: That was disgusting, immature and most of all, a bad rap.

[Beck walks forward and pushes Kate’s shoulder]

Beck:  absolutely disagree!

Jay: What are you doing, man?

Ronda: What the hell are you doing?

Beck: I barely pushed her.

[The ladies walk away]

I’m sorry.

[a girl walks by Beck]

I got a small penis but I’ll go down on you.

[The End]

Drone Milfs

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Jan Crang… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Dutt… Kate McKinnon

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Mary Bonom… Ronda Rousey

Pete Davidson.

[Starts with Bobby and Cecily at their desk]

Bobby: Motion passes.

Cecily: Okay, so that concludes action items. We now begin the citizen’s forum and open the podium to the members of the community.

Bobby: As a reminder, swearing is prohibited. If you cannot express your opinion without using foul language, I encourage you to leave.

[Cut to Leslie at the podium]

Leslie: Bye!

[Leslie leaves]

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Alright then, I guess we’ll start with you ma’am. Hello.

[Cut to Jan Crang at the podium]

Jan Crang: Jan Crang, female, aged 47.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: There is no need to state your age and sex, Ms. Crang. What is your concern?

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Well the teens have taken their mischief to the skies and I am talking about drones. I snatched this one out of the air when it whizzed over my backyard while I was sunbathing, and it’s little camera snapped some pics of me in my tanning trunks. They are supposed to be used on some kind of website called drone-milfs. Well, jokes on them. How can I be a milf when I don’t have any children? I move to ban these bots and free the drone milfs!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: But we can’t ban drones but I suggest contacting a lawyer about unauthorized use of your picture.

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Thank you. Once again, Jan Crang. As in Cranga-tang!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, we know. Thank you. Hello there, Mrs. Dutt. Back again so soon.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt at the podium]

Mrs. Dutt: Yes. I was banned from singing center agian. I’m here to ask for reinstatement.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, this is the third time this month.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: That’s not my fault. I had a Rockstar energy drink that lit a fire under my taunt. I was playing monopoly with Ethal, and she bought Marvin’s gardens but I wanted Marvin’s gardens. So I said, “Well I want that!” But she refused! So I knocked her over the game and I started tearing the little red hood, teased everybody in the little activity’s room. And I pulled a fire alarm and I yelled, “I am the nightmare!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, I’m not gonna do this.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I am not done. And then I ran outside and I claimed a tree. I grabbed some wasps nest and turned it into a zumba class.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Geez! Well, do you promise to stay away from Rockstar energy drink?

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: If I told you yes, that would be a lie.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Well then, I’m sorry. Request denied.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I understand.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Moving on. Hi there, young man. How are you?

[Cut to MC Strategy at the podium]

MC Strategy: My name is MC Strategy. I’m originally from Holand but I’m here to spread dope beats on the cautious tip. [yelling]Real-Hip-Hop! As you know, next Sunday is the pop Warner’s youth football championship games. My question to you is, instead of star spankled banners, may I perform a four and half concert along side the rest of the Mythic Insight’s crew? Man styles, and DJ Liner?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: I believe Caroline chew is going to sing the national anthem during the game.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: What if I promise to bring the Abstract thoughts?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, I would still say no.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Right. Well, thank you for being part of the evolution. Please pick up my CD outside of the Papa Johns!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Definitely. Definitely will. Hi there, Mr. Lumus.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom at the podium]

Gary: Lu? Call me Gary. I’d like to introduce my good friend Mary Bonom. She’d like to apply for an event permit and I told her I’d help her out. Say some kind of tight with you guys.

Mary Bonom: Hi there. I want an old time traveling carnival in side show. I’d like to set my tents in your town square for two week engagement. My side show includes such human arteez as Tod, the lost Baldwin brother.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh. And what else do you have?

[cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: That’s it.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: All your carnival has is ‘Tod the lost Baldwin brother’?

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: I’m sorry. I think we’re gonna pass.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Alright, cool. Thanks for your time.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, yes. Hello there, young man.

[Cut to Pete at the podium]

Pete: Um, wad up? I lost a drone. Anybody turning one in?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Do you for chance have a website called drone-milfs?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! It’s dope, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yeah, but the search bar is hard to find and when you create an account you should be able to save your favorites, but we do not have your drone. And it looks like we are out of time. Meeting adjourned. Drive save, everybody!

[The End]

Bland Man

Dan… Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Ronda Rousey

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Selena Gomez

[Starts with Bland Man intro]

Male voice: One very bland man. 25 long haired women. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Bland Man.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: My name is Dan and I’m from Chicago or Denver or something. I have blue eyes, brown hair and grey shirt. And tonight, I’m looking forward to getting to know the girls a little bit.

[Cut to Dan and Vanessa sitting on a bench at the park.]

Vanessa: Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Vanessa: Thank you for our date this morning. I loved going to your old high school and watching you cry.

Dan: [laughing] Tell me, what do you look for in a guy?

Vanessa: Well, I know you’re gonna make fun of me, but I wanna guy who’s like my dad. Smart like my dad. Hard working like my dad. And with the same body and penis as my dad.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hi. Can I steal him for a second?

[Vanessa walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]

Thank you. Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Kate: Thanks for our date this afternoon. I loved taking a race car to that improv class with you.

Dan: I hope I didn’t move too fast.

Kate: What?

Dan: I’m kidding.

Kate: [weird laughing] That’s a funny joke. I love that we can laugh together.

Dan: Me too.

Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! It feels so good to laugh because before this, I was in a really bad college.

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Can I steal him for a sec?

Kate: Yeah.

[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]

Ronda: Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Ronda: Thank you for a date this afternoon. I loved taking that hot air balloon with the cast of Chicago Fire.

Dan: Yeah. Tonight’s nice too. I like the moon.

Ronda: Yeah.

Dan: But–

Ronda: Moon’s nice.

Dan: Yeah. But I also like the day, you know? With the sun.

Ronda: Yeah, the sun is so nice.

Dan: [laughing] We have so much in common.

Ronda: Dan, can I ask you something? Can I wear jeans tomorrow?

Dan: Um, no.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Can I steal him for a second?

[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.

Cecily: Well, I’m a virgin but I’m very quick to do the stuff I do.

Dan: Wow, That’s cool.

Cecily: Then why didn’t you say so in our date today?

Dan: Because we were rolling down a hill in two giant hamster balls.

Cecily: Sorry I got mad. But that’s not me. Well, it is me but I’m doing a bad job hiding it.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too. So tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I’ve had to wear a damp bikini all week so now it hurts when I pee. Also, there’s something I wanna tell you Dan, but can I be completely honest with you?

Dan: Of course.

Aidy: I have a son. And five daughters. They’re right here.

[Cut to Dan, Aidy and six kids.]

They can’t wait for you to be their daddy. They’re so sweet but they are a lot of work. And this one, [pulls one kid near her] he always has a ton of cash and he won’t tell me where it’s from.

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy: Yeah.

[Aidy walks away and Sasheer sits beside Dan]

Sasheer: Um, I like this.

Dan: So, tell me about yourself.

Sasheer: Well, I’m the black one.

Dan: [hold’s Sasheer’s hand] Let me walk you out.

Sasheer: Wait! Wait! I didn’t tell you yet that everyone I ever met is dead.

Dan: Oh, you have a sad past? Then, you can stay one more week.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Can I steal him for a second?

[Sasheer walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]

Dan: Hey, long time no see.

Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! You are literally the funniest person I’ve ever met. And I know two Jews.

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Sorry, can I steal him for a minute?

[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]

Dan: So, tell me about yourself.

Ronda: Well, I served in Iraq. I was a waitress in the diner there for three years.

Dan: That sounds hard. And now what do you do?

Ronda: Well, right now I do this. And then after this, I’m gonna do co-appearances until I die.

Dan: Me too.

Ronda: Also on the weekends, I volunteer at a kill-shelter.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]

Dan: So, um, are you having a good time?

Cecily: It’s hard. All the girls hate me just because I’m so mean to them. And this made me realize that I have some deep emotional problems and I need to go home and deal with them.

Dan: I would be sad to see you go.

Cecily: Okay, then I’ll stay and just be so insane.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can steal him for a second?

[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]

Dan, I need to be completely honest with you.

Dan: Okay.

Aidy: Okay. I have one enormous toe. Like it’s so big. And I’ve been so self-conscious about it my entire life. I need you to see it.

[Aidy raises her feet and her thumb is really, really big.]

Dan: Holy!

[Selena walks in]

Selena: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks away and Selena sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Selena: And I love being here for the 25th season of the show because I was conceived during the second season.

Dan: Wow, I feel so connected to you. Remind of your name again?

Selena: I’m Selena Gomez.

Dan: Okay, I’ll go with her. We can stop. I’m gonna go with her. I’m gonna go.

[The End]

BAMM – Bullies Against Mixed Martial Arts

Chad… Beck Bennett

Beckka… Ronda Rousey

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with a basketball court in college decorated with dim lights for a romantic vibe. Chad brings in Beckka.]

Chad: Keep your eyes closed.

Beckka: Of course, Chad.

Chad: No peeking. [they walk forward] Alright.

[Beckka opens her eyes. There is a table for two and a disco-ball over it.]

Sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant

Beckka: This is so much better. I love it. You did all of this for me?

Chad: Well, yeah! I like you. I just wanted tonight to be special. [they take seat]

Beckka: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Chad Channon. I didn’t even think you knew who I was.

Chad: Are you kidding me? I’ve had a crush on you for a while. [Beckka smiles] Try your soup.

Beckka: Wow, it’s so crunchy.

Chad: Do you like it?

Beckka: What is it?

[someone laughing at the mic]

Vanessa: It’s dog food.

[All the lights turn on. There are other girls laughing at Beckka.]

Congratulations, new girl.  You just ate real dog food. What’s the matter? Isn’t that what bitches eat?

[The girls come near Chad and Beckka]

Beckka: Chad, what’s going on?

Chad: What?

Vanessa: We played a trick on you, idiot! Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South Jeffery High would ask the weird new girl on a date? Wake up!

Beckka: You just pretended to like me chad?

Chad: Yeah, sorry.

Vanessa: How embarrassing for you. At least the whole school isn’t watching this on para-scope. Oh, wait! They are.

[Cut to Kate recording the video]

Kate: Say hi to the whole school.

Sasheer: A star is born.

Vanessa: What a shame too. She got all dolled up. Where did you get your dress? Is it from Walmart? See, I own this school. And you don’t talk to my boyfriend, and you cer–

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face]

[Vanessa is bleeding]

It’s okay, you guys. That barely hurt. [Vanessa walks to Beckka again] I hope it was worth it new girl because I am going to ruin your life. See, when you’re the popular–

[Beckka slaps Vanessa again]

Chad: Ah!

[Vanessa has Beckka’s palm marked on her cheek]

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face again]

Damn!

[Vanessa is clapping]

Vanessa: Bravo! But before you give an encore let me just say–

[Beckka slap-kicks Vanessa and Vanessa falls down]

[Everyone is shocked]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs new girl?

Beckka: No. I kicked you into them.

Vanessa: Ooh, cool words. Well– [Vanessa takes a ball and throws at Beckka] Think fast!

[Beckka hits Vanessa with a ball so fast and Vanessa falls.]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

You wanna play dirty? Give it to me. I got your diary. [reading diary] Dear Dolly.

[Beckka beats Vanessa up bad]

Chad: What?

[Vanessa is knocked out and Beckka starts walking out]

[Chad following Beckka]

Hey, Beckka. I saw what you did back there. It was pretty cool. You wanna grab a burger?

[Beckka hits Chad on his neck]

[Cut to Vanessa on the floor all beat up.]

Vanessa: I’m fine.

Male voice: One in five bullies will be a victim of mixed martial arts. Don’t be a statistic. Brought to you by BAMM! Bullies against mixed martial arts.

America’s Funniest Cats

Finn Raynal-Beads… Adam Driver

Joella Ru… Cecily Strong

Ruella Soup… Kate McKinnon

Producer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with America’s Funniest Cats intro]

Intro song: America’s looking at cat
America’s looking at cat
America’s funniest cats!

Male voice: With your host, Finn Raynal-Beads.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Hey there. I’m Finn Raynald, not Raynold, Beads. I don’t know how many times I have to throw a feed about that. I confronted so many people and everyone just points a finger at someone else. But someone is responsible. That doesn’t just happen!

Hey guys! Thanks for all the great pet videos this week including this one from a cat owner who suspected that someone had been going through her drawers. Take a look.

[Cut to a cat pulling red panties out of the drawer.]

[making cat voice] Oh boy! I know they’re in there somewhere. Yes, these panties are gonna look great on this pussy’s booty. [cat looking at the camera] Oh! Sorry ma’am. It’s not what it looks like.

[Cut to Finn]

Alright! We got an amazing trade for you today. So apparently there’s a French version of this show and with me today are the two hosts, Joella Ru and Ruella Soup. Come on out here, ladies.

[Joella and Ruella walk in to the stage]

Okay, thanks for coming all the way from Paris you guys. Tell me little bit about your show.

Ruella: [in French accent] The show is called [unintelligible]

Joella: You know, because in Paris we are the center of the world as far as arts and culture. So you know, when we see this show of your’s, you know, we say, “We have to have this.”

Ruella: We no rest until we have the show.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Is that real or you guys like making fun of me?

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Ah, no, no, no. We just put fund at cat.

Ruella: They don’t care.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Okay. Then I’m gonna let you guys handle this next clip of a cat who has his first taste of ice-cream.

[Cut to a video of a cat with it’s face inside the ice-cream cup.]

Joella: Oh, this cat has seconds to live. She purposefully get out of oxygen.

Ruella: His life is too much to bear. He is quietly backing out of this world.

Joella: She will not be missed.

Ruella: That’s a funny cat.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Yeah, very funny cat.

Finn: Okay, wow. You guys doing a little different than us. We try to make the bloopers a little sillier like with, sound effects and stuffs. Do you know what I mean?

[Joella and Ruella start speaking in French with each other.]

Ruella: We can try.
Finn: Oh, yes. Great! Throw some boyo-yos in there. I’m just gonna roll a bunch of clips and you guys just go crazy, okay?

[Cut to different video clips of cats]

Ruella: Boyoyo! This cat has neurological disorder. She cannot gaze this distance between herself and couch.

Joella: Boyoyo! This cat is certainly dead. That is despasm.

Ruella: Waka-waka! This cat also is dead. She is in her death costume.

Joella: This evil maniac cat has walked into a TV, will not come back the same.

Ruella: Say what? He will never trust the TV again.

Joella: Boyoyo!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. It’s a little dark. You know what we find fun? Giving the cat a silly voice like, “Oh, I’m the big fat cat and I can’t fit through the cat door, drip!”

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Oh yes. Okay. That stupid voice coming from a cat would make me laugh.

Ruella: I also was very close to laughing but then I remember I just lost my daughter in the custody, [unintelligible]

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Okay, let’s try one more before we go back to France forever.

Finn: Roll it!

[Cut to a video clip of cat stuck in a pot]

Joella: [making stupid cat voice] My husband is in here. My husband’s issues are in here.

Ruella: He died from drugs, but I don’t care.

Joella: He was troubled but he was mine!

Ruella: I don’t want to live anymore. I want to be in hell with him where all suicide go.

Joella: Oh, man! Here I come.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. Well, I’m getting word that my producer is here to tell me something. Hopefully privately.

[Producer walks in]

Producer: Well, it’s not. I want everybody to hear this. You’re cancelled.

Finn: Well great! I’m glad. I think anyone would be proud to do 18 seasons of this show. I leave with my head held high.

Producer: Just pack your junk, Reynold-Beads.

[The End]

Weekend Update Deenie talks about soap opera

Colin Jost

Deenie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well it’s almost 2016 and it’s time to reflect on what happened on some of your favorite shows. Here with the daytime drama wrap up is somebody’s mom, Deenie.

[Deenie slides in with a box of food she is eating.]

Welcome, I love your sweater.

Deenie: Oh thanks. I got it out of garage cell but I washed it. You two are riot by the way.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you.

Deenie: Love ya.

Colin Jost: Thanks very much. So, is this been a good year for yourself?

Deenie: Oh, have they ever getting good?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Deenie: There are so many good characters on there this year, you know? Like, what’s his name? Mustache man.

Colin Jost: Mustache man? Okay, what did he do?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Yes, so mustache hired the guy who looked like red head husband while perfect skin was tied to the bed in the boathouse.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, who?

Deenie: Yeah. [Cut to Deenie] And then sex part gets involved with it. And now his wife Dark hair is gonna be so pissed off, she’s gonna kill mustache.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: Who is mustache?

Deenie: Mustache, the rich one. The one who owns the fish cannery with his kids, you know mustache. The kids are hottie, sex–[laughs], and skinny-minny. Oh, and pris pants we had with big boobs.

Colin Jost: Okay, I’m sorry, you know the names of any of these characters?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: No. I kind of half watch it while I’m coloring in my adult coloring book. It’s good for you brain.

Colin Jost: Good for your brain. [Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie] And what are you eating there?

Deenie: Oh, it’s baked salmon. [Cut to Deenie] My favorite part are the skin and grey part along the bottom. I’m sorry. Is the smell making you hungry?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: Um, no. Not hungry, no. Back to your soaps, I’m at the edge of my seat here.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Okay, no, but get this, big boobs was stuck in the skyscraper fire with military jackter who’s got the hatch for big boobs.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: Yeah. And now, how long have you been watching this soap?

Deenie: Everyday for 40 years.

Colin Jost: And which on do you watch?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: The one before the other one. It’s got the piano music at the beginning.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: Piano music. Like, Young and the restless?

Deenie: Sure.

Colin Jost: So, what do you think is in store for the New Year?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Oh, I’m gonna chill in my aunt’s place for a bout a month and then I’ll take my tree down.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: No, I mean the soaps.

Deenie: Oh! Okay. [Colin Jost is laughing] I will keep you posted.

[Colin Jost pushes away the lunch box away from him]

Colin Jost: You’ll keep me posted?

Deenie: I just hope they don’t cut  stupid election garbage because cotton candy had said something rude about zarpado er bj in the White House’s wife.

Colin Jost: Okay. Deenie, everybody.

Deenie: You want some? [passing the lunchbox]

Colin Jost: No, no, I’m good. Okay, a little bit.

Michael Che: That fish smells terrible.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time Magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Time magazine this week named Angela Merkel as it’s 2015 person of the year. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

Angela Merkel: [in calm voice] Woo, woo, woo.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you okay chancellor?

Angela Merkel: I’m trying to celebrate. My body is rejecting it.

Colin Jost: Your body is rejecting celebrating?

Angela Merkel: Well, let me talk. Oops!

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, Time person of the year though. Right? I mean you must be at least flattered by the honor.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Of course, this is unt-hoot as well as un-tolla. But 2015 has not been the easiest year. Greece wanted to borrow more money. Syria asked if 1 million refugees could sleep on my couch. Unt, my favorite blazer has been discontinued at the short unboxing. Plus, [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost. Angela Merkel pulls out Time magazine with her on the front page.] look at my face. This is like a pile of oat meal with two blueberries for eyes. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It just smiles and says, “Are we done here?” [starts sobbing]

Colin Jost: Now, hold on. [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost] I think it is at least a huge deal. You know? Cheer up. Think of it as a Christmas present from Santa Claus.

Angela Merkel: Yea right, you’re right. But in Germany we do not have Santa Claus.  We have an ancient demon named Crampas. [Cut to Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: Oh yeah.

Angela Merkel: Yes. Your horror movie is what our children look forward to all year. If you’re nice, he gives you a tiny block of thick paste. And if you’re bad, he ices your out emotionally until you scream, “What have I done?” But he never says. He just rolls his eyes and leaves you to punish yourself. But it works.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that sounds terrifying. Now, Donald Trump was very critical of you winning the title. He says you’re ruining Germany.

Angela Merkel: Oh yeah, I guess he prefers earlier stuffs. Woof! Woof! [Cut to Angela Merkel] You know, the only thing he and I’d see eye to eye on is hair shapes. Because we have the same stylist.

Colin Jost: Same stylist?

Angela Merkel: Yes. We just walk in, we have– “You have three seconds, go!”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And Angela, did you hear from any other world leaders?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Hillary and I were exchanging tiny umes… She was like, [Cut to Angela Merkel] “Congrats on the cover, girl.” And I was like, “Congrats on republican nominees, girl. By the way, do you think Barack Obama saw the cover photo because I ran into Barack at the climate summit and he makes my climate warm, like, more than 2 degree Celsius. Woo-woo.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I at least hope —

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: It’s a goo try, it’s almost taking.

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: No, no. It’s weird. It’s weird. You can’t celebrate. I hope you at least take some time to enjoy this moment.

Angela Merkel: Yeah, I will, I will, because our Christmas holiday is coming up and I plan to take full three hours. I will get turned up, there will be so much eggnod.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, eggnod?

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Yes, this is when you watch a chicken hatch from an egg and you nod at it, and it nods back at you as if to say, “We are all born and we all shall die. Merry Crampus everyone.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Merry Crampus. Angela Merkel, everyone.

Angela Merkel: Time for me.

On The Record With Greta Van Susteren

Greta Van Susteren… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren intro]

Male voice: You’re watching On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren.

[Cut to Greta in her set]

Greta: Good evening, I’m Greta Van Susteren. Now, I’m gonna try this again now. She sells sea shells by the sea– no, I can’t do it. Tonight, Donald Trump has doubled down on his proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America. And some of them criticize the other GOP candidates for not condemning his comings more strongly. Joining me first in the studio is senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello Greta. Um, a friend of mine wanted to say hello to you. I think you’ve heard of him. He’s the US constitution.

[Cut to Greta and Ted Cruz]

Greta: Okay, senator. A lot of GOP primary voters agree with Trump and you need those also. Will you go on the record and condemn what Mr. Trump said?

Ted Cruz: Well Greta, [Cut to Ted Cruz] I am not afraid to take a stand on this. When I heard Donald Trump’s comments on Muslims, I said, “Wow…”

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: And we’re talking ‘Wow’ like, “Wow, that’s crazy!’ or ‘wow’ like “Oh, that’s a good idea”?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Exactly!

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: But Cruz, do you support ban on Muslims, yes or no?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, put simply, nyes.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Nyes? Is that no or a yes?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: [laughing] It is indeed.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay, we’re gonna come back to you senator. And joining us now via satellite is governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to split screen of Chris Christie and Greta]

Chris Christie: Hey, how you doing?

Greta: Yea, governor Christie, your reaction?

Chris Christie: Alright, look. [Cut to Chris Christie] This guy Trump is a clown, okay? He’s a total joke. The last thing anyone wants is some loud mouth bully from the tri-state area who hearls insult of people like a fat headed jabroni. Greta, look, I wanna make a very clear distinction. When Mr. Trump insults Muslims, those are not the values of the republican party. They’re simply the values of people who vote for the republican party. So in that sense and in that sense only, go Trump!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Greta]

Greta: Ya, but you don’t think we should block Muslims from entering?

Chris Christie: Yea. What we need to do is build a bridge between Muslims and Americans. [Cut to Chris Christie] Okay? But we have to make that bridge really hard to cross. You know? Like, really slow down the flow of traffic on the bridge until that son of a bitch for Fort Lee gets the message.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay. Finally, joining us from his campaign White Quarters in Virginia, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to split screen between Ben Carson and Greta]

Ben Carson: Hi, Greta. I just drank a Redbull and I am fired up about this. [Cut to Ben Carson] But first, can I just ask, what happened to me? I mean, when I left for the Middle East, I was tied for number one in the polls. When I came back a week later, everyone had forgotten about me. My campaign headquarters got cleared out and they’re turning it into an office for DraftKings.com. I mean, did I winkle myself? Have I been asleep for years?

[Cut to Ben Carson and Greta]

Greta: You have fallen quite a bit in the polls. And it seems like some are now questioning your foreign policy experience.

Ben Carson: Listen, but that’s why I went to visit the lovely country of Jordans.

Greta: Jordan.

Ben Carson: I met with the Sheits and the Heits.

Greta: That’s alright.

Ben Carson: And I talk to them all about radical groups. Humus, ISIS, even Outgator.

Greta: Oh, no. So, you think we should hit ISIS head on.

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: That’s right. Head on. Which is always also the first rule of brain surgery. Always leave the head on.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Well, that’s all the time we have. It seems like no one was willing to stand up to Mr. Trump and offer a full condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Did you say constitution?

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: No. I said condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, well you’re absolutely right, Greta. This is not a condom nation. This is a Christian nation.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Oh my gosh, my soul hurts. For On The Record, I’m Greta Van Susteren.

[The End]

Male Strippers

Host… Kenan Thompson

Phil… Taran Killam

Brandon… Chris Hemsworth

Keith… Jay Pharoah

Craig… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with the host of Hunk Junction speaking on the stave]

Host: Okay everybody, let’s calm down. Now, I’m very sorry that I got so upset with that woman. But there is no outside food allowed in the strip club. Now I know you wanna have a good time. But a full styrofoam play to chicken vindaloo, that will not work. Have some respect for the people around you, and also yourself. Look at the mess that she left. [Cut to a table where left overs from packed food is left.] Looks like a whole came through here.

[music playing]

Now you ladies ready to get horned up? You wanna see some peen?

[Cut to the ladies audience cheering and applauding.]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, we got a great lineup for great AB for you tonight. Four brand new fangses here at Hunk Junction. They are some students from nearby college. They’re good looking boys and they put together a real hot show for ya. Let’s bring em’ out.

[Cut to cheering ladies]

[Cut to four guys walking on the stage]

Phil: Hit it!

[music changes]

[Cut to Phil]

Good evening ladies. I’m Phil and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to dance for you this evening.

[Cut to Brandon]

Brandon: And I’m Brandon. And I hail from the great state of Oregon. Home of the majestic red one.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: Me, I’m Keith and I’m from a small lobster town in New England.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I’m Craig, and the white sandy shores of Ahwatukee is where I call home.

[Cut to the guys]

All: This is our America.

[The guys start dancing]

[Cut to the ladies staring at them. Leslie is enjoying.]

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Phil: Next stop, New York city.

Keith: Step on it.

Craig: All aboard.

[train engine sound as the guys are dancing in a line]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: What the hell is this?

Aidy: Yeah, I paid to see naked tool.

Kate: Something better slop out of their pants pretty quick.

Leslie: I appreciate the showmanship.

[Cut to the boys under one umbrella]

Craig: It’s starting to rain, just our luck!

Phil: On our first day in the big city?

Keith: You gotta be joking me.

Brandon: Who cares? Take a look at that skyline.

Phil: Taxi cab!

[Cut to Host looking nervous and confused.]

Host: Should I stop this? I mean what should a man in my position do?

[Cut to the boys. Jon walks in with a newspaper in his hand.]

Jon: Top story. The Germans are retreating.

[Jon dances out]

Brandon: Did you hear that fellas? The war is over!

Craig: We won!

Phil: Taxi!

[Cut to the ladies.]

Kate: Okay, maybe we got to tip them.

Cecily: You know, even if they do strip, I’m not sure I’ll be turned on at this point.

[Cut to the boys dancing on the stage. Kate dances in and gives Brandon some money. He just takes it and puts it in his wallet.]

Brandon: Thank you ma’am.

[Kate walks away]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: He put the tip in his wallet.

Kate: Yea, yea, but it worked. It worked. Look.

[Cut to the dancing boys. They rip off their pants, but underneath, they’re wearing another white pants.]

[Cut to the ladies]

Aidy: What? Why are they wearing long shorts under their break-away pants?

Leslie: Listen, these men are hot. You can’t argue with that. This show may not be perfect but they care about it.

Aidy: okay, but this part is straight up racist.

[Cut to the boys wearing Asian hat and using Asian hand-fan.]

Phil: Your town is amazing.

Brandon: So many great Chinese people.

Craig: And culture.

Keith: What an afternoon!

[Cut to Host]

Host: [speaking on the mic] Whip out your naked ding-dongs now!

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Boys: Taxi!

[The boys are high-fiving and celebrating.]

[Host walks in disappointed]

Host: Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have hired these men when they showed up with little dance bags that said, “Tis School of the Arts.” And then they asked if I supplied character shoots. Now, gentlemen, listen up. If you wanna continue working at this establishment, you must expose your stinky pee and them testi-balls.

[The boys start opening their pants]

No, no, no, no. You gotta do it with the music.

[The End]