Tag: Kenan Thompson

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie]

[Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question]

[Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]

Wallace Advertising

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Steve… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Mr. Wallace… Michael Keaton

[Starts with four people in the office of Wallace Advertising.]

Cecily: FYI folks, our CEO Mr. Wallace is going to be sitting in today.

Leslie: Mr. Wallace, why?

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Oh, he just said he wanna be more hands on in the creative process.

Steve: As long as he keeps hands off my lunch, I’ll be happy.

[everyone laughing]

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I just hope he keeps his hands off my lunch.

[Cut to everybody. No one laughs]

Oh, so you’re just gonna laugh at him but not laugh at me.

[Mr. Wallace walks in]

Mr. Wallace: Hey! How are you guys doing?

Cecily: Um, good Mr. Wallace. How are you?

Mr. Wallace: I’m good. I’m good. I’m good. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Everything alright with you folks? I was getting too soft at that quarter office. I needed to get back down here where the action and greatest stuff happens. What do we got? What are we pitching?

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Um, it’s an ad for Labatto’s. The official cereal of the Labat Blue Brewing company.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace:  Great, great, great. Lay your smoke around me. Just right down the middle. Give it to me.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Wallace starts using his nasal hair trimmer]

Beck: Sorry?

Mr. Wallace: This one’s a smoker. Right by me. Right down in the middle. Just was one by me. Come on! Right on my face! With me.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Okay. So, this smoker is still in the rough stages. But we thought we open in our suburban kitchen, mama’s setting down two  bowls of Labatto’s on the table.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Good. Good.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Uh, the dad comes in dressed for work and the son comes down also in a suit.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Ya.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The mom says, “Honey, what are you wearing?” He says, “I wanna go to work with daddy today.”

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: Yeah. And dad reaches down, tussle his son’s hair a little bit.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, and the mom’s got huge knockers. Go ahead!

Steve: Sure, sure. That can be part of it.

Mr. Wallace: No, no. It is part of it.

Steve: Sure. So, the mom has huge knockers.

Mr. Wallace: Good! Very good. Ya.

Steve: Exactly. And the kid says, “I want the same breakfast as daddy.”

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] No, no. You know what it is? [Cut to Mr. Wallace] he looks at knockers and he’s like, “I’ll have what he’s having.” [laughing] That’s very good. Really, that’s very good. What’s the hook though?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, well, okay, we thought maybe the mom would say, “If you keep keep eating your Labatto’s you can be like your dad.”

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, you cut to the kid and he put down his glasses and he goes right straight at the camera, he goes, “Whaaaat?” And the camera starts jiggling coz the cameraman is laughing. Go ahead.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Um, right. The camera jiggles. And the dad puts his arm around the mom, looks at the son, and he says–

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] He says, “You keep eating that Labatto’s, you’re gonna pork this big old thing.” [laughs] [Cut to Mr. Wallace] And he points to the mom who looks to the camera. She goes, “Whaaaat?” The camera shoots straight up. Straight up. Coz cameraman had a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

He’s very good guy. He’s nice.

Steve: So, the camera’s just pointing at the ceiling?

Mr. Wallace: Yeah! Yeah, that’s great. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Then the kid leans into the shot. He looks down and he says, “Houston, we have a boner.” [laughs]

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Mr. Wallace, your stomach is bleeding.

[Mr. Wallace’s stomach is bleeding all over his shirt.]

Mr. Wallace: Oh, shoot! Oh, god! [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Man! I’ve been flirting with his girl who got my bellybutton pierced. I think she might hit a vessel. Oh boy. Man, things we do for a piece of tail, huh Steve?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Steve: I guess so, sir. Yeah, don’t call me sir. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] That was my dad’s name. Call me Sir Sly. Now, who is another smoker at me?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Okay, well, we have a pitch for a Spatz’s family brand ketchup.

Mr. Wallace: Great. What is it?

Cecily: Okay. We open on a backyard barbecue. Grandma is there with her famous special sauce.

Mr. Wallace: Good, good.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: And then, someone put spats on her burger! Grand is–

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: A bit set in her ways.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: So, grandma sees him put the ketchup on.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: And she starts running over to him.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah. She trips, falls down. Her face right on the grill. Her head gets on fire. And she’s screaming. Go ahead.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Um…

Steve: Uh, grandpa comes up. Put the fire out.

Beck: Grandma heads towards–

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah, trips and falls faced on the grill this time, catches fire again. Go ahead.

Beck: And then grandpa…

Mr. Wallace: Pulls down his glasses. Go oh.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: And says, “Whaaaat?”

[Cut to Mr. Wallace being confused.]

Mr. Wallace: Explain!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I just..

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: No, no, no, no. You know what it is? Grandpa says, “You’re a little baby!” And then grandma pops up. By this time her whole old lady face is burnt right off. And now, she’s got a smoking hot babe face. And then, of course, the huge knockers we didn’t notice before. Everyone pulls down their sunglasses and are like, “Houston, we have another boner.” Go on!

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The camera starts shaking.

Mr. Wallace: Exactly. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Exactly. The cameraman is dying laughing. The camera flips around, we finally see the cameraman. He’s cool and fun than all of them. He thinks it’s about– Think about that guy, he’s the coolest one of all of em’. All of em’!

[Cut to everybody]

That’s good. Oh god! Jesus!

[Mr. Wallace’s shirt is all soaked in blood]

Everybody: Oh!

Mr. Wallace: Oh, man! This thing is getting worse. Okay, well, you guys keep working. I’ma– I’m gonna go to the hospital.

[ends]

[cheers and applause]

Neurotology Music Video

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Taran Killm

Colin Jost

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a message video]

Written: In Kate990, the Church of Neurotology  made the following music video. It has been updated based on new information about the church.

[Cut to the music video]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Reach out your hand and follow
I have a code, code to the key
the key to the secret, the secret of space
it’s Neurotology

Aidy: Religion and science intertwined
aliens live inside of your minds
a billion year contract we have signed
it all makes sense to me

Everybody: We’ll always believe this
we are invested, invested to death

[Subtitle says Aidy left Neurotology in 2004]

[Subtitle says Kate left Neurotology in twothousandseven]

[Subtitle says Kyle has become outspoken critic of Neurotology]

[Subtitle says 4 is the author of ‘Brainwashed: My hellish years in Neurotology.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We’re in this forever
never to leave until our last breath.
We are here, our path is real we are finally free
with Neurotology

Kate: Our gorgeous religion old and true,
started in 1982
I found it brings us endless life
coz he can never die

Aidy: Our brain machines can fix our minds
our brain machines can save man kind
each brain machine cost 20 grand
and that is fair and fine.

[Subtitle shows that the woman at left of Aidy is not allowed to see her family and the woman at her right was thrown off the boat.]

Everybody: We, we are the children
the children of Meepthorp,
the science is there

[Subtitle says a woman singing makes ten cents an hour as Neurotology janitor.]

[Subtitle says Colin blackmails gay actors.]

[Subtitle says Kenan left after googling ‘Neurotology’.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We, we are a family, joined by the knowledge
the knowledge we share
We are life, we are life
We are proud to be a Neurotology
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe

[Subtitle says Taran  is a senior official of Neurotology, he has beat up everyone in this video, once drop-kicked a woman like a football]

[Subtitle says many people who are singing are missing.]

We are all, we are one, we will always be
Neurotology

 

College Basketball

Ernie Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kenny Smith… Jay Pharoan

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Mike Krzyzewski… Taran Killam

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Road to the Final Four intro]

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Ernie: Thank you for joining us on the CBS post game show. I’m Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Well, the teams are set. [Cut to Ernie] A big upset tonight as Wisconsin beats Kentucky and will play Duke for the man’s national championship. What an exciting performance by these student athletes, guys.

[Cut to all]

Kenny: Incredible.

Charles: Yeah. It really was. [Cut to Charles] I don’t even like college basketball. They just pay me to sit here for two weeks in March and keep talking until somebody hands me a sandwich.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Well, some tough news after the game guys. As Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski announced, his team may have major setback. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Mike in a press conference]

Mike: Um, thank you all for being here. While we are thrilled to be competing for a national championship, I am sorry to report that one of our student athletes had an emergency. And our starting forward Jahlil Okafor will not play on Monday.

[Cut to the press being shocked.]

Kyle: Is he hurt?

Pete: Is he sick

Cecily: Did he tear an ACL?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Um, no. No. He has a big biology test on Tuesday. Real big. It’s a tough break but what are you gonna do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wait, you’re gonna keep him out of the National Championship game because of a biology test?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Of course, I am. Guys, these are student athletes. Students. If they only came to college to play basketball, then we’d all look pretty silly.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Coach, millions of people will be watching. I mean, there are sponsors paying big money. Is this biology test really that important?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: It’s about more than the test, okay? It’s like I told all my players, college is the most important year of your life. Look, these guys get paid in education. And if we can’t give them that, it’s like they’re being robbed. It’s be as if Duke didn’t pay me my salary of $10 million this year. [laughing] I mean, insane! So right now. Jahlil is in the Buffalo Wildwing study tent quietly working on the paper.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: So, if Okafor isn’t playing, who will start?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Well, we still got Steve. Steve, you wanna come in here?

[Steve walks in with a basketball.]

Steve: Hey, what’s up? Yeah, let’s ball, am I right?

Mike: Steve is actually a walk on player. He is a 36 year old grad student.

Steve: Yeah. I went back to school to make my little girl proud.

Mike: Now, look. Is Steve better than Jahlil Okafor?

Steve: No.

Mike: Absolutely not.

Steve: No way.

Mike: Steve’s playing because he doesn’t have a test on Tuesday. That’s just how it works.

Steve: Yeah, we ballin’!

[Steve loses the ball from his hand]

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Ernie: Wow, tough break for Duke, specially for Jahlil Okafor.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean Okafor may feel bad today. But in the long run, it’s worth it. Remember, if he doesn’t take advantage of the college experience, he will just have to spend time the rest of his like a millionaire in NBA. That’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: So, when you guys played, everyone cared this much about their studies?

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Oh, absolutely Ernie. There in my time in Auburn, all I thought about was homework. One game, I missed all these free throws because I couldn’t stop thinking about my science project. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how much baking soda to put in volcanos. And I majored in volcanos.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean in North Carolina, I studied all the time. Because I’d be damned if I was going to be the only one in the NBA who did not know the poetry of Emily Dickerson. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Me too. Me too. College basketball, more than just a sport. It’s about tradition. It’s about values. It’s about a huge bet I made that Kentucky would at least cover this bread. Now I got to eat a basketball.

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Come on, man!

Ernie: We’ll see how it all goes down on Monday right here. And…

Ernie, Kenny and Charles: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Dinner Date

Venessa Bayer

Jin… Kenan Thompson

Judy… Dwayne Johnson

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Venessa and Jin having dinner together at a restaurant]

Venessa: Jin, this dinner was amazing. What a perfect anniversary.

Jin: Oh, anything for you sweetheart.

[Judy and Jemma walk to Venessa and Jin]

Judy: Oh, ho! Oh, my god! Jin, this is crazy! You recognize me?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

This is nuts. I feel like just got F-ed in my brain without protection.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having trouble placing you.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Judy Duty. Remember? We sent that guy to the chair together.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Oh, yeah.

Venessa: You sent a guy to the chair?

Jin: Well, I didn’t want to. I just needed it to end.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Ay, can we join you? Oh, we should. Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Jemma. She’s British. Ay, but don’t get a boner when she talks, huh?

Jemma: [in British accent] Babe, don’t tuck me out so much. I’m Jemma. Okay, babe, let’s sit. I’m so hungry.

Judy: Scoot over lady. You got pretty of space. I don’t want to crunch him in and pop the bones back out your back.

Jemma: Okay, gross! Picturing you like that.

Judy: Oh, I’m sorry babe. I’m such a big bag of freaking meat balls. Ay, did I introduce you to my girl?

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma.

Venessa: Yes, we did this.

Judy: Yeah, yeah. She’s British. Tell em’ who you used to date.

Jemma: Footballers.

Judy: Isn’t that hot? Footballers. Makes you think about what she might do with her foot to you boy. Isn’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um…

Jemma: Babe! I want some nibble. Get some babe.

Judy: Oh, she means apps. She says nibbles. Hey, say it again.

Jemma: Nibbles.

Judy: A-ha-ha-ha. I’m as hard as a door knob right now. You know what I mean? You Jin? How about you?

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Umm… um…

Venessa: You’re not hard, are you Jin?

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Well, we need the apps. Where is the app guy? Where is the guy? The apps guy. We’re starving.

Jemma: Nibbles.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: We’re actually just finishing dessert and we were about to head home.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Yeah, it’s a bone, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ain’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um, possibly.

Jemma: Nibbles. I want nibbles now.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Ay, you guys have heard about onion rings? You gonna love em’.

[Waiter comes by]

Ay, you! How much are the onion rings? Like 25 cents a ring, right?

Waiter: We don’t really do it that way.

Jemma: Let’s get 200s.

Judy: Ha-ha. Babe, that’s like $800.

Jemma: Yeah, we can split it with them.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: Oh, no.

Jin: No.

[Cut to Judy, Jemma and Waiter]

Judy: Ay, yeah. Cool. Give me 200 onion rings, split it four ways. And quick checking out my girlfriend’s rack, hah!

Waiter: Okay.

Jemma: Babe, knock it off. [Cut to everybody] Quit being a mob.

Judy: She’s being shy. Isn’t that great? Is your’s shy? What’s her name?

Venessa: My name is–

Judy: No, no, no, no. I asked him. Ay, is she shy?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Women have to stand out girl power.

Judy: Ay, my girl likes your girl. They should be best friends now, right? Hey, do you wanna be best friends with that girl?

Jemma: Yeah, I really think so.

Judy: Jin, are you crazy stiff right now? I mean, that’s our girlfriends right. They’re like, best friends.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: You guys, it has been great running into you. But–

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you know what? She’s a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer. I’ve got a song called banana.

Judy: It’s a crazy hot club song. Imagine the track in the background.

[Judy starts banging on the sofa and Jemma starts singing.]

Jemma: [singing] Going out with my girls tonight

having fun with my girls tonight

big banana, long banana, short banana, white banana

let’s get bananas

five, four, three, two, banana.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]
Judy: Wow, how good was that?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: If you don’t have a boner right now, you should just kill yourself.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Nah, I’m good.

Venessa: Does that mean you have one?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter brings in the onion rings in a huge tray.]

Judy: Whoa! Hang on here. Hang on.! Who is this guy? Who is this guy looking at us like this?

Waiter: I’m your waiter. Remember? You just ordered 200 onion rings.

[Waiter puts the tray on the table]

Judy: You know what? I think you wanna kiss my girlfriend right in front of me. Like, I’m the joke of the day. I’ve got something for you. Come here.

[Judy pulls Waiter byhis collar and smashes his head on the table. Waiter faints.]

Jemma: Babe, is this an onion ring? That’s not what I thought. I don’t like this. It’s like, all onion. I can’t have onion.

Judy: Oh, well now what?

Jemma: Let’s give them to her.

[Cut to Venessa an Jin]

Jin: Yeah, she’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll just all hang out while she eats all these onion rings. And then when she’s done, then we’ll all leave.

Jemma: [clapping] Eat em’. Eat em’ up!

[Cut to everybody

Jin: Yeah. Start eating please.

[Venessa eats one onion ring]

Jemma: One! [claps]

[Venessa eats another onion ring]

Two! [claps]

[cheers and applause]

Cooking With Paul

Paul Montane… Kenan Thompson

Mitch… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with Cooking with Paul intro]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for Cooking with Paul. [Cut to Paul cooking in the kitchen] Paul Montane is a James Beard Award winning chef. And a three times convicted sex offender.

Paul: Well, hello there folks. Today, we’re gonna be cooking my famous garlic mashed potatoes and rosemary time chicken. With me as always is my sidekick Mitch.

[Mitch walks in]

Mitch: I’m not your sidekick, Paul I’m your probation officer.

Paul: We do banter though, don’t we?

[Mitch stares at Paul]

Okay. Now, let’s start cooking. The first thing you need to do is boil some water. You gotta put the pot on the stove. Turn on the gas. That’s gonna take about five minutes. So, you gotta little time to kill. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet, check out some chat rooms.

Mitch: No, no, no, no. You are not allowed on the internet, Paul.

Paul: Okay. So, now we’re gonna sprinkle a little rosemary onto our chicken. That’s right. We’re gonna go ahead and pour on our saute onions. Yeah, I like that. Now, we’re gonna place that whole pan in the oven. Turn it up to 400 degrees and wait for it to turn brown.

[Paul puts the chicken in the over]

Okay, now you let that sit for about 30 minutes. Got a little time. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet and meet a couple of buddies?

Mitch: No, Paul. Hell no.

Paul: I’m not doing anything. I’m just looking at Master Chef Junior.

Mitch: Those are not chefs, Paul

Paul: Okay. Now, let’s check on our pot of water. It’s boiling. So we need to put in the potatoes. Okie, dokie. [Paul puts the potatoes n the pot] We’re gonna let these sit for about four minutes. So we got a little time.

Mitch: No!

Paul: Pop around on the internet and meet some folks.

Mitch: No, no, no. That’s it. I’m taking this computer away.

Paul: Okay. [Paul takes out another computer] Dip, dip, dip.

Mitch: Paul! Paul!

Paul: Oh! Oh! Oh, no! I accidentally set it to 4,000 degrees instead of 400.

[smoke is coming out of the oven.]

Mitch: Dammit, Paul. Call the fire department.

[Mitch leaves]

Paul: Okay. Calling the fire department. [Paul takes his phone out and dials a number looking at the computer.] 2125550187.

[talking on the phone]

Hello, Mrs. Henderson. Is Billy at home?

Mitch: Paul! Paul! Hang up the phone.

[Mitch comes in with a fire extinguisher and uses it in the oven.]

Paul: Mitch! You are no fun.

Mitch: Well, I’m not paid to be fun, Paul.

Paul: Well, that makes me sad you saying that.

Mitch: Well, it makes me sad that you hit it out in the well of a porter party just to take pictures of people’s butts.

Paul: Okay. Now, you know, let’s get our ingredients together. We’re going to put in our butter here. And then we’re gonna dump in some of this on top of that. Then we go on a computer and go to your favorite site–

Mitch: No, no! No!

Paul: Okay!

[The timer clock tings]

Well, that’s all the time we have. We didn’t finish cooking the meal. But let’s all close our eyes and imagine what it tastes like.

[Mitch closes his eyes]

[Paul runs away]

Mitch: Hey, get back here!

Spaceship

Ancent… Cecily Strong

Lieutenant Jericho… Chris Hemsworth

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of space ship]

Male voice: The year 3041. After a difficult journey across hyperspace, the crew of the S.S. Orion find their safety compromised by the actions of reckless captain.

[Cut to inside the space ship]

Ancent: Lieutenant Jericho, we have to do something about captain. She’s out of control.

Jericho: What is it Ancent, do you have problems taking orders from someone who isn’t a human?

Ancent: Of course not. I don’t care what species she is. But her decision to make that last hyperjump could have abruptly damaged the ship.

Jericho: She is in command and you need to accept that.

Sasheer: Captain Bulay’s on the bridge.

[Everyone turns to the door and salutes]

[The door opens. Captain is a chicken.]

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Yes, captain! Right away.

Ancent: Jericho, just promise to speak to her. She’s acting erratically.

Jericho: It’s not that simple.

[Cut to the chicken sitting on a captain chair.]

[Cut to everybody]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, you heard her. Take us into the Zeta-quadrant.

Sasheer: That’s suicide. It’s full of Trulithian mines.

Jericho: Set the course.

Sasheer: Yes, lieutenant.

Kenan: That’s certain death.

Ancent: This madness has to stop. I’m turning us around.

[chicken noise]

[Cut to Ancent walks to the chicken]

No, this has nothing to do with you being a chicken and us being humans, okay? We have been a good crew to you.

[chicken noise]

I am very aware. The chickens have evolved into a higher intelligent species than humans. I am fine with that.

[chicken noise]

What did you call me?

Jericho: No, no. Take that back Emily. Take that back. For god’s sake, this isn’t like you.

[Ancent looks at Jericho in shock]

Ancent: Emily? Oh, I see. How long have you two?

Jericho: Two years. Ever since academy.

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: I knew he was dating that chicken. I just knew it.

[Cut to the chicken and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily. Look at me. Please, please, look at me. Just turn your head this way. That’s it, that’s it. I’ll give you a hand, look at me. Okay, don’t look at me. Just give me your hand. Okay, don’t worry. Listen, I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting at the bar by yourself. eating pizza. And I said, “Dang, little thing like you couldn’t possibly finish off that pie by herself.” But eight hours later, you probed me wrong.

[chicken noise]

Ha-ha-ha. There’s that laugh I love. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey. Let’s tun this ship around.

[ship alarm goes off]

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Captain, the chord’s over heated. Probability of melt down is 82%.

Kenan: We have to get to the escape pod.

Jericho: No, no. Wait, we’ll never it to the pods. They’re all the way over that way.

[chicken noise]

No, do not even say that. Don’t even suggest that.

[chicken noise]

Sasheer: She’s right. She’s the only one who can fix the chord.

Jericho: Why does it have to be her? I could do it.

Ancent: No, Jericho, you’re too big. You’ll never fit inside. Let her go. It’s the only chance we have.

[chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, okay. Emily, okay. [Cut to Jericho and the chicken] Com here. [chicken noise] I know, I know. Listen, once you enter the core, you’re gonna have 20 seconds to repair it and get the hell out of there. alright? You get out of there, alright? I love you.

[Jericho puts the chicken inside an oven.]

Ancent: Good luck in there.

[Cut to the chicken inside the over.]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: It’s working. She’s doing it. She’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.

Sasheer: Course stabilized. We’re going to be okay.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily, you did it. Now get out of there.

Ancent: Jericho, she can’t. There’s no handle on the inside.

Jericho: Well, I’ll just open it.

Ancent: No! There’s too much radiation. She knew that going in. She sacrificed herself for us.

[The oven timer sound beeps]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: She’s done.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho. Jericho is very emotional.]

[Ancent opens the oven and takes out the roast on a plate.]

Jericho: Can I… Can I have a moment with her please?

Ancent: Of course. But, then we’re gonna eat her, okay? Because she smells so good. And she was such a bitch.

[Sasheer and Kenan walk in. They have napkins on their collars ready to eat.]

Kenan: Except at the very end of course, so noble. [Kenan pokes the roast with the fork] And cooked to perfection!

[cheers and applause]

Movie Set

Trice, Amanda… Kate McKinnon

Bob… Chris Hemsworth

Rod… Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Trice looking at the rain outside the window. Bob walks to Trice and holds her.]

Trice: We can’t do this. [Cut to Trice and Bob] You have to go.

Bob: Wait, why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: No, you you can’t. I’m dying.

Bob: You’re dying?

Rod: Cut!

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Good! Good job you guys. Good. The first take, Bob and Trice.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Thank you. Thank you. So, Rod, did you have any tips for us?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: It wasn’t very good. So, how do we make it better? How can I help you get there emotionally? Oh, I know. I have a little trick that I used to tell the actors back in my youth when I was acting coach in the Jeffers-son’s.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: The Jefferson’s.

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Yes! On the Jeffers-son’s, it was so clear where each character was acting emotionally at all times.

Bob: Well, it’s an old sitcome, right? I can’t really say that I’ve ever seen his fire. I don’t know.

Rod: Well, let me show you what I mean. [Bob stands] When you hear that she’s dying, we need to see that moment sink in. React! And then snap it shut like a coin purse. Let me show you. Trice, could you feed me your line?

Trice: Yes, sure. [acting] I’m dying.

[Cut to Bob and Rod. Rod rotates his head a couple of times.]

Rod: [yelling] Dying? Did you see what I did?

Bob: Yeah. I did. Um, I don’t get it.

Rod: Well, let me break it down for you. It’s pretty easy. She says ‘dying’. Then you tuck your chin. Move your face down and around on a count of three. And then you come up and you shake it. And then you say, “Daaaaa-yin?” Okay? Let’s try one.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take two.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: Take it from the couch… and action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob acting]

Bob: Why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, tell me what’s wrong, Amanda. Let me help.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

Rod: Great! Cut!

[Rod walks in]

Oh, that was it. Did that not feel better?

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Ah! How long were you an acting coach on the Jefferson’s for?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: One day. One very long day. But this is all good. Let’s keep going. [Cut to Rod, Trice an Bob] Now, Trice, you can do this too. [Cut to Rod and Bob] When he tells you that he has a wife, that should come as very big news.

Trice: No, no. My character knows that he is married. She knew it from the beginning.

Rod: Oh, yes. But now it’s really sinking in. So, let me show you. Snap that moment shut like this. Bob, what is your cue?

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Bob: Um, is it because of my wife?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: [Rod makes noises] Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki! Your wife?

[Cut to Rod and Trice]

Trice: I’m not doing that.

Rod: Well, of course you will make it your own. But it’s really easy. He says ‘wife’. You let your eyes go down the drain. And then you say “phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu” three times. And then you shake your face. And then snap it shut like a pair of snap phone. Okay? Let’s try it.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take three.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: And action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: We can’t do this, you have to go.

Bob: Hey, why- why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: [shaking her head] Ta-Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki. Your wife? No. It’s just that I- I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, wh- what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

[stops acting]

This feel very weird.

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: Well, well, it doesn’t. Look it. It’s really coming together, you guys. But honestly, I think we can go a little bigger on the ‘your wife’. I think something like, “Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki-phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu. [yelling] Your wife?” I mean, what do you guys think?

[Cut to the set. The actors are gone.]

Wait, are they gone?

Sasheer: Yeah. Yeah.

Rod: So, they already got all of their stuff and they aren’t on the lot anymore?

Sasheer: Uh-huh.

Rod: Why?

Sasheer: They quit.

Rod: Bt-ti-ga-sh-ga-ti. [yelling] They quit? You see? It works.

[Sasheer looks impressed]

It just works.

Empire Promo

Lucious… Kenan Thompson

Cookie… Sasheer Zamata

Chip… Chris Hemsworth

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a show promo]

Male voice: Empire, the television phenomenon returns this week with all your favorite characters. Lucious.

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: This is my kingdom. And as long as I am alive, it will stand. Also, I’m dying.

Male voice: And Cookie

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I spent 17 years in jail and I haven’t aged a day!

[Cut to the clips of New York city]

Male voice: Empire has already taken black America by storm. But what about white America? We’ve got you covered. This week, we introduce a new character. Chip.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hi everyone.

[Cut to a meeting room filled with black people]

[Cookie looking pissed off]

[Cut to Lucious and Chip]

Lucious: He’s gonna be our new office manager.

Chip: Does anyone actually do any work around here? [laughing]

[Cut to Cookie throws a can of coke at Chip]

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: I’m just saying, my name’s Chip.

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: Take a dip, Chip!

Male voice: Drama, we’ve got it!

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Dad, I love Hiphop. And I’m gay. Poof!

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: What the hell is poof?

Male voice: Ground breaking music. You bet!

[Cut to Michael in a studio rapping]

Michael: [rapping] drip drop
drip dripiddy drop
what the hell am I saying?
the hell am I saying? Seriously!

Male voice: If that’s not enough, now we’ve got a white dude.

[Cut to Chip clapping]

[Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Lucious: Ay! Look, I was a good father to you.

[Cut to Jay and Cookie]

Cookie: No, you weren’t. When he was 9, you picked him up, put him in the trash can and put the lid on it.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Damn! That kid was trashed or something?

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Wow, this is my first day. This is fun.

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: I’m burning the whole world up. My own brother tried to kill me.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. Do you mind signing this card? It’s Cookie’s birthday. [Jay and Michael are staring at him angrily] Okay. Go empire!

[Chip leaves]

[Cut to Michael and Cookie. Michael is using cellphone while Cookie is talking to him.

Cookie: Look at me while I’m talking to you. I sacrificed everything for this family.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: You want a medal, bitch?

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I want some respect!

[Cookie gets a broom stick and starts hitting Michael]

Michael: Ae! Ae! Ah! Ah!

[Chip walks in with a card and balloons. He sees Michael hitting Cookie so he walks away quietly.]

[Cut to Chip and Leslie. In the office behind the, the family is quarreling.]

Chip: Um, just one question. You’ve turned in an expense report but there were no receipts with it.

Leslie: Yeah, I got the receipts right here.

Chip: Great, thank you.

[Leslie pulls her middle finger out of her bag.]

[Cut to Empire video bumper]

Male voice: Empire, now with something for everyone!

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: You set me up!

[Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Chip: Guys, guys, guys. This meeting was supposed to be about Email Adecco.

[Cut to Cookie beating up Chip in the meeting hall with a broom stick.]

Cookie: I’m not going back to jail.

[Chip runs away]

Male voice: Wednesdays on Fox.

Chris Hemsworth Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

Liam Hemsworth

Luke Hemsworth

Callum Hemsworth… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Mum… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris.

[Chris walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is incredible. The last time I was on live TV was when I did Australia’s version of “Dancing With The Stars.” Yep, that’s true. Um, but most likely, tonight will be even more embarrassing than that. Probably my biggest role that I’ve been implying and you would know me from is Thor. [cheers and applause] I’ve played Thor in four different movies. Thor 1, Thor 2, The Avengers and Gone Girl.

Now, I’m not the only actor in my family. I have brothers. Two of them. Three of them, maybe. Four, I don’t know. But they’re actors as well. So, if it was okay, I thought I would bring them out and share this moment.

[Liam and Luke Hemsworth walk in]

[cheers and applause]

I’m sorry. Almost forgot. I have a brother, Callum.

[Callum walks in]

Callum: Alright. Good day.

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Look at this. It’s the four Hemsworth brothers.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, lot of cake up here, ladies!

Liam: Yeah, Callum’s actually an actor as well.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, that’s right. I do series of instructional videos. About dinner with snakes in the workplace.

Luke: Why don’t you tell them about your big catch phrase?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Oh, yeah, yeah! It’s just one line where I go. “Kill it!”

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Well, here you have. You have Hemsworth boys. Anyone have any questions for us?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, I do. What’s it like to be called world’s sexiest man?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Chris: Well–

Callum: [interrupting] Well, I’ll tell you this one here buddies. [speaking in fake Australian accent] It’s just a bit weird coz I just think of myself as a normal guy. But, um, then I see myself in a mirror and I can’t argue with it.

Chris: Yeah, I wanna say this. It doesn’t matter what you look like. What really matters is what’s in here. Muscles! [looking at the audience] Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: This is a question for Callum. I noticed your accent is slightly different from the other guys. Are you sure you’re from Australia?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Me? Australia? [Callum starts mumbling stuffs]

Chris: Alright, you know what? Believe it or not, believe it or not, Callum, he’s actually adopted. He’s from a place in northern territory which is called Atlanta.

Callum: Yeah, it’s way out in the whoop-whoop.

Chris: Um-hmm. [looking at the audience] Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Hi. You all seem so genuine. How do you stay so down to earth?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Liam: It’s because of our mum.

Luke: She raised us really, really well.

Chris: She did, she did. We might bring her out actually. Come on our, mum.

Callum: There she is.

[Mum walks in clapping]

Mum: Alright, alright. There’s my boys. Some folks have one son. I have a leader.

Chris: Yeah! We just wanted to say thank you mum, for everything.

Mum: Well, you’ve always ruined my body, so it’s least you can do. Ha-ha.

Chris: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Zac Brown band is here.

[cheers and applause]

Stick around, and we’ll be right back.