Tag: Kyle Mooney

High School Theatre Show with Reese Witherspoon

Aidy Bryant

Reese Witherspoon

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

Aidy: Good afternoon and welcome to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Reese: Written and directed by us, the students.

[Cut to the audience clapping]

[Cut to Aidy and Reese]

Aidy: Now, today’s show isn’t just a show. It’s also a seed.

Reese: A seed that will sprout change in our town and hopefully the whole world.

Aidy: And now, without further due, please enjoy the pulse of progress, heart beat of change.

[music playing]

[the light dims and other student members enter the stage]

[The lights are on again. Taran is sitting on a box while others are looking at him.]

Kyle: The time, now. The place, any high school in America.

[Kyle walks to another box]

Reese: [pointing at Taran]Who is that guy?

Aidy: He’s weird.

Kate: He’s a nerd.

Reese: He’ll never be anything.

Kyle: But what happens if we fast forward thirty years?

Kate: Who’s that guy?

[Taran stands up]

Reese: He is… the President.

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie in the audience]

Bobby: Your daughter’s really good.

Leslie: She is my step daughter, and no, she’s not!

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone are standing behind the boxes but Aidy.]

Aidy: [gesturing typing on computer] Check out this new dress I got.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I had a rough day today. Feeling kind of sad.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I need some help. I think I’m depressed.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Taran: [walking towards Aidy] Next time, don’t like. Love!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Oh, no! You’re gonna be in the play, aren’t you?

Beck: Um, no! I’m just a regular audience, guys!

Leslie: No, you’re not! You’re sitting too far forward. You just gonna suck!

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone are posing around the boxes.]

Kate: How many times a day do you judge a book by it’s cover? [Kate jumps to Kyle] Excuse me, sir. Are you homeless?

Kyle: No, I’m just cold. I’m very rich.

Everybody: Wow!

[Kate walks to Reese]

Kyle: Excuse me ma’am. Are you rich?

Reese: No, I just have good posture. I’m homeless.

Everybody: Wow!

Kyle: Audience member, are you enjoying the play?

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Here we go.

Beck: Actually, I’m not an audience member. I’m in the play.

[Cut to the stage]

Everybody: Wow!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: Who is this play for?

Bobby: The program says that it is dedicated to John Lenon and Shonda Rhimes.

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting.]

Aidy: Whisper. Whisper.

Everybody: [following Aidy] Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Shout!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: How long have they been rehearsing this?

Bobby: Every single day for a year.

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is standing.]

Taran: Did you hand in that paperwork?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Kyle: Did you finish those files?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [louder] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Aidy: Did you see your daughter’s first steps?

Reese: No.

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [slowly] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Bobby: I mean, is no one supervising this? I mean where is their teacher?

[Cecily leans towards Bobby’s ear from behind]

Cecily: Trust me. I made cuts.

[Cecily smokes and leans back.]

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting on the boxes.]

Aidy: Bang!

Reese: Bang!

Kyle: Bang!

Kate: Bang!

Beck: Bang!

Taran: Bang!

[Everyone stands up]

Aidy: And guess what?

Everybody: We were black.

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: [standing] Yeah, I’m not okay with that.

[Cut to the stage]

[Everybody bowing down]

Aidy: Thank you. It is now time for a brief intermission during which we will all be laying on stage asleep like our congress

Reese: Feel free to come up here and look at us up close.

[the student performers pretend that they’re asleep]

[Leslie walks in front of the stage]

Leslie: Man, screw this. I’m going home to watch Judge Judy.

[The End]

Jingle Writers

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Fayanne… Aidy Bryant

Venerra… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with Elite Advertising Agency]

Taran: Alright, guys. [Cut to Taran speaking to Kyle and Kate in the office] As you know, Landing Pampers, it’s very important to the company. So, we actually decided to bring in a couple of jingle writers to help us out.

[Cut to Taran] They’ve been out of the game for while, but they come very highly recommended. [talking to the assistant through phone] Sujan, you wanna send them in please?

[Cut to the office. Fayanne and Venerra walk in. They look like hippies.]

Fayanne: Hello, hello everyone.

Venerra: Hello.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

My name is Fayanne.

Venerra: Yes, and I am Venerra. And we are the best jingle writers in town. You ever heard of, [singing jingle] “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.”

Fayanne: [singing jingle] Chilling!

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, wow! So, you guys wrote that?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Ah, no. We wish.

Venerra: We’ve actually been out of the jingle writing scene for quite a while.

Fayanne: Yes, it got too crazy. You know the jingle scene. It’s Coke for breakfast and ash for dinner.

Venerra: So, we’ve been living off the grid in the desert for the last two years.

Fayanne: Yes, but now we are back for pampers.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Well, we are very excited to hear your jingle.

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Well, here it is. Sweet, pure pampers.

[Venerra plays the piano and Fayanne sings. It sounds like a sad song.]

[singing] The desert echo screams like a hell-burn born of sand

he bites into the flesh of the diamond rattle snake

and with the taste of blood he cries

for pampers!

Venerra: Thank you.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

Venerra: Thank you.

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kyle: Um, I think pampers would want a more traditional jingle.

Kate: Yeah, do you even know anything about diapers?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Of course.

Venerra: Yes, yes. In the desert, Fayanne and I had to drink each other’s urine.

Fayanne: Yes. So, in a way, we were each other’s diapers.

Venerra: And that experience allowed us to write this next perfect jingle.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Is it too late to say no?

[Cut to everybody. Fayanne and Venerra are playing piano and singing. It’s a happy song now.]

Venerra: [singing] It’s a sunny day, smile

It’s a sunny day, smile

every day is sunny if you have a smile

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kate: Okay, I like this.

[suddenly the music becomes sad]

Venerra: [singing] The dessert pig has fire eyes

as it’s seen a thousand deaths

[Venerra runs to Taran and sings to him]

nothing soothes it’s black end sole

except pampers!

Fayanne: Thank you.

Venerra: Thank you so much.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kate: Um, are you sure you two are the top jingle writers?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Venerra: Yes, of course. Haven’t you heard of this one? [singing jingle] “Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, it’s Papa Johns.”

[Cut to Taran looking speechless]

Taran: That’s the McDonald’s jingle.

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Urgh! You sound like Papa Johns.

Venerra: Now, if you’ll indulge us, we have one more song.

Fayanne: Yes. Imagine tiny clean fresh babies playing in sunlight. And then, you hear…

[Fayanne starts playing piano and singing the sad song]

[singing] I gave birth on a desert rock

and the baby cried for death

Venerra: We needed food so very bad

we even had to eat a diaper!

[Cut to Kyle and Kate shaking their heads no.]

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: The vultures clawed out our eyes

and we screamed out for mercy

Fayanne and Venerra: And pampers!

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Thank you.

Venerra: Thank you so much.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

Venerra: We accept personal checks and sacagawea coins only.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: You need to leave now.

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Well, if you change your mind, just whisper our name to an owl.

[The End]

How 2 Dance with Janelle

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy… Kyle Mooney

Mom…Taraji P. Henson

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with How 2 dance with Janelle intro]

[Cut to Janelle streaming live with her friend Teddy sitting behind her.]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, a.k.a. Jay Train, a.k.a. Janelle. And I’m here as always with my best friend Teddy.

Teddy: [walks near to Janelle] Best friend and prom date.

Janelle: That’s right. We’re going together as a joke. [laughs]

Teddy: So funny!

Janelle: Anyway, we’re live streaming today in honor of my channel hitting 1 million subscribers. So, shout out to my 1 million subscriber, Jeremy Gates from Danberi state penitentiary. [Janelle hits the play button and the music starts playing] Okay, let’s get dancing.

[Janelle and Teddy stand]

Today we’re gonna learn how to do the Do Drop. Alright Teddy, first you have to shake your shoulders like you’re cold then roll your body like it’s a snake. It’s easy. Let’s try it full speed.

[Janelle starts dancing]

Teddy: Oh, my god!

[Mom opens the door enters the room]

Mom: Woo-hoo! Y’all better be kissing in here.

Janelle: Ew, gross!

Teddy: Yeah, that’d be so gross.

[Janelle pauses the music]

Janelle: Can you leave? I’m doing my dances.

Mom: Oh, I know baby. Your brothers and friends are all watching in the living room.

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Janelle! None of my friends want to play Xbox with me.

Mom: Michael! Go take the garbage!

Michael: Mom, it’s not even making sense!

Mom: You better get out of here boy!

[Michael leaves]

Baby, show me the dance you were doing?

Janelle: Oh, it’s call the Do Drop. Like this.

[Janelle shows the dance.]

Mom: Oh, no, no, no. That is not how we move in this house. I raised you better than that. We move like this.

[Mom shows Janelle how to move even better.]

Teddy: [looking at Mom] Oh, how cool pillow. I’m just gonna put it right here.

[Janelle puts the pillow over his lap.]

Janelle: Oh, mom!

Mom: Please! You know I auditioned to be a fly girl. Now let me show you how real real woman dances.

Janelle: But I’m not a woman.

Mom: Well, your body disagrees. Alright, step one, jam!

[Mom plays the music and starts dancing]

Ay! Ay! Step two, it’s all about arms and back. You gotta pop it like this. Pop! Pop! Pop it out! Pop it! Pop it!

Janelle: It looks like someone’s trying to punch you in the spine.

Mom: That’s what’s hot about it. Pop it! Pop it!

[Janelle and Mom are dancing together]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Now, how does that feel for you?

Janelle: It hurts everything.

Mom: Hah! Then you’re doing it right, baby. Now watch this. This is when you’re dropping it low.

[Mom starts shaking her butt]

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Mom, my friends are watching this!

Mom: Hey, boys! Don’t you eat all my food!

[Michael leaves]

Janelle: Teddy, get in here.

Mom: Yeah! Teddy!

[Janelle pulls Teddy in the middle of her and Mom.]

Mom: Come on, Teddy! You have to move your hips like this.

Janelle: Yeah, and move your arms and chest like this.

Mom: Yeah, go Teddy! Go Teddy!

[Teddy faints]

Is he alright?

Janelle: Yeah, he faints a lot. I’ll just get him some water.

Mom: Okay, baby. You go.

[Janelle leaves]

Mom: [looking at the computer] What’s that comment say? Do you know how to twerk? Oh, baby. I was made for–

[Michael storms in]

Michael: No, no, no, no.

[Michael is pressing all the buttons trying to stop the streaming]

[This livestream has now ended.]

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.]

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]

Smart Home

Cecily Strong

Michael Keaton

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a husband and wife in their house.]

Cecily: Oh, honey. I’m beginning to think our new neighbors aren’t gonna show up at our get together today.

Michael: Well, that’s surprising. You don’t think they want to get to know us?

Cecily: Well, let me just check outside the door, just in case.

[Cecily opens the door. There are few people outside the door.]

Oh, well. Honey, look. They’re all standing right out here. Now, were you all afraid to knock?

Venessa: Hi there, we’ve been ringing the bell.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Oh! That’s right. Our doorbell is currently disabled. And we’re in the process of turning our house into a smart-house.

[Cut to Cecily and the others]

Cecily: That’s right. Come on in. Welcome.

[The neighbors walk in]

Kate: Well, a smart-house? You know, that sounds so neat. What’s that intel?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: My husband is a professor. He’s great at science. Can I show them the toaster prototype?

Michael: Well, sure, sweetie. You got it going like this.

[Cecily brings in a red toaster. It looks really nice.]

Okay, now. This is a smart-toaster

[Cut to the neighbors.]

Beck: It don’t look any different from a regular toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Good eye. Great observation. He hasn’t added science to it yet.

Michael: Yeah, but once I do, it will be able to roll out to meet me wherever I am. And then it’ll use it’s rockets to shoot up and hover at eye level, to receive the toast.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kyle: Oh, okay. A floating toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Absolutely. And that’s not all. It will use percent to tell us how toasted your toast is. Like, it will say, “Mrs. Croford, your toast is 84% toasted.” And it will have human eyes to stare at you while it says that. Honey, turn it around so that they can see the eyes.

Michael: Sure.

[Michael turns the toaster around. It has two eyeballs.]

Now, there are just placed here until I’m able to connect the human eyes to it.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Oh, how nice.

Venessa: Oh, well, isn’t that something.

Kate: We should probably be going. We left our baby in a tub.

Kyle: That’s right. Um, we were giving our baby a bath.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, hang on. Just first listen to this other thing. [Cut to everyone] This is gonna be our smart couch.

Michael: Yeah, once I have it scienced to it, of course.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Oh, honey. They know that. Now, the idea here is that the smart couch will recognize you from your sitting on it.

Michael: Yeah. Now, how much do you think that’ll work? You, answer.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Um, I guess the couch recognizes your weight or something.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Ah! Wrong guess.

Cecily: Yes, exactly. Wrong guess. Every time you sit down, a small tube will go up into your back side to get to know you.

Michael: Yeah. All of our back side interiors are unique. Like, a thumbprint, or a snowflake.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: I don’t think I would like that.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: You’re telling me you wouldn’t like a couch that called you by your name?

Michael: I bet they’re worried about that tube that goes up inside.

Cecily: Oh, yeah. We’ve heard that before.

Michael: Yeah, tube isn’t that big. You shouldn’t notice it.

Cecily: No, it’s like a sports bottle straw, if you’re familiar.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: That still seems pretty intrusive.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Because it will have eyes on it, so it can see where it’s going.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: So, do you have to sit on the couch naked?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: [laughing] My word, no. Can you imagine? The tube is sharp enough so that it will go straight through your pants.

Michael: And as it comes back out, it secretes a small amount of pants glue to seal up the hole it made. Would you like for us to pretend to do it?

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: Pretend to do what?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, sit on the couch and have the tube recognize us, of course.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: No. I think we–

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Now, remember, I haven’t put any science on it yet. So, this is all still pretending.

[Cecily starts acting]

Cecily: Oh boy, have I had the day! I’m gonna sit on this couch and relax.

[Cecily sits on the couch]

Michael: Uh-huh! At this point a tube will come up.

[Michael pulls up a rod through the couch. It has eyes stuck to it as well.]

It will push in like this. Now, imagine, my wife sitting on this tube. It will look around, you know, to recognize it from the inside.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Oh, sweet reesy peesy.

Venessa: That’s bigger than a sports drink straw.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: [pretending to be the smart couch] Well, hello there Mrs. Croford. I recognize you from your inside.

Cecily: Oh! Isn’t that nice. I don’t feel a thing.

Michael: Well, that’s coz my tube has human eyes and it knows right where to go.

Cecily: Hey, my pants are gonna be all cut up from you, will they?

Michael: Definitely not. Just provide me 25 minutes to heat up my pants glue. Would you like me to begin that process now?

Cecily: Sure, I’ll sit here very still for 20 minutes while you heat that glue.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Now, we really do need to go. All of us at once.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael: Alright, alright! But hey, before you go, would you mind signing these non-disclosure agreement?

Cecily: You understand. It’s all patent pending.

Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: This says we agree to kill ourselves together.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Oh, man! Smart printer printed them wrong form.

Cecily: Alright. Well, just a second, guys. Let me get the printer tube.

[Cecily pulls out a large pipe with eyes]

Now, you won’t feel this. Who wants to go first?

Neurotology Music Video

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Taran Killm

Colin Jost

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a message video]

Written: In Kate990, the Church of Neurotology  made the following music video. It has been updated based on new information about the church.

[Cut to the music video]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Reach out your hand and follow
I have a code, code to the key
the key to the secret, the secret of space
it’s Neurotology

Aidy: Religion and science intertwined
aliens live inside of your minds
a billion year contract we have signed
it all makes sense to me

Everybody: We’ll always believe this
we are invested, invested to death

[Subtitle says Aidy left Neurotology in 2004]

[Subtitle says Kate left Neurotology in twothousandseven]

[Subtitle says Kyle has become outspoken critic of Neurotology]

[Subtitle says 4 is the author of ‘Brainwashed: My hellish years in Neurotology.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We’re in this forever
never to leave until our last breath.
We are here, our path is real we are finally free
with Neurotology

Kate: Our gorgeous religion old and true,
started in 1982
I found it brings us endless life
coz he can never die

Aidy: Our brain machines can fix our minds
our brain machines can save man kind
each brain machine cost 20 grand
and that is fair and fine.

[Subtitle shows that the woman at left of Aidy is not allowed to see her family and the woman at her right was thrown off the boat.]

Everybody: We, we are the children
the children of Meepthorp,
the science is there

[Subtitle says a woman singing makes ten cents an hour as Neurotology janitor.]

[Subtitle says Colin blackmails gay actors.]

[Subtitle says Kenan left after googling ‘Neurotology’.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We, we are a family, joined by the knowledge
the knowledge we share
We are life, we are life
We are proud to be a Neurotology
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe

[Subtitle says Taran  is a senior official of Neurotology, he has beat up everyone in this video, once drop-kicked a woman like a football]

[Subtitle says many people who are singing are missing.]

We are all, we are one, we will always be
Neurotology

 

Easter Hotline

Sasheer Zamata

Grandmother… Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones

Matthew… Kyle Mooney

David, Thomas… Taran Killam

Grandfather… Michael Keaton

[Starts with Sasheer talking]

Sasheer: It’s been a long lonely winter and you’re dying to connect with someone new. Well, we know the perfect woman ready to take you call. she can’t wait to talk. So this Easter, why not try calling?

[Cut to Grandmother]

Your grandmother. Your grandmother is standing by ready to talk all day long.

[phone ringing]

[Grandmother picks up the phone]

Grandmother: Hello.

[Cut to split screen of Matthew and Grandmother]

Matthew: Nana, it’s Matthew.

Grandmother: Who is this?

Matthew: It’s Matthew.

Grandmother: What is this for?

Matthew: For talking. It’s your grandson.

Grandmother: I can’t talk. I’m waiting for my grandson to call. Bye-bye.

[Grandmother hangs up the phone.]

Matthew: What?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. YOu didn’t know what was happening. So, call your grandmother today.

[Cut to another grandmother] Because she woke up at four:thirty to go to the pharmacy, and she is totally free. For you.

[phone ringing]

[Grandma picks up the phone]

[Cut to split screen of Grandma and David]

Grandma: Hello?

David: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, David, hi. David, did you get the birthday package I sent you?

David: Um, no I did not.

Grandma: Oh, shoot. I sent it to fortysix Aderson Drive, East Rutherford, New Jersey.

David: Well, that’s not my address grandma. I don’t know whose address that is.

Grandma: Okay. Well, they might be spoiled by the time they get to you. It’s fifty pears.

David: Why?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Um! That’s a lot of pears. So call your grandma tonight. It couldn’t be easier. Watch. [Sasheer dials a number]

[Cut to split screen of Sasheer and her grandmother.]

Hi grandma.

Sasheer’s grandma: Hello?

Sasheer: Hello.

Sasheer’s grandma: Do those jeans fit you baby? If they don’t fit you, you know you can ship them back to me and I could take them back.

Sasheer: They fit fine.

Sasheer’s grandma: I mean, I could go right back to KMart and get another pair if they dont–

Sasheer: They fit fine grandma. Thank you.

[Sasheer hangs up the phone.]

They don’t fit. In fact, look how bad they are.

[Cut to full body of Sasheer. The jeans have Micky and Minnie mouse printed on it.]

So call your grandmother and if you’re feeling really adventurous, why not talk to your grandfather? He is outside but he will come in just for you.

[Cut to Thomas talking to Grandpa on the phone]

Grandpa: Ay, there he is.

Thomas: Hi, Grams.

Grandpa: Hey, how’s your best friend Thomas?

Thomas: Um, he was my best friend in kindergarten grandpa.

Grandpa: I love him, Thomas. I love that kid. Does he still like trees?

Thomas: I don’t know, grandpa.

Grandpa: Ay, remember that time I walked in you two and you both had your penises out?

Thomas: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And why not spice things up by talking at the exact same time with him for the entire rest of the phone call?

[Cut to David talking to Grandpa on the phone]

David: So, how are–

Grandpa: So, what’s new?

David: Yeah. nothing–

Grandpa: I’m fine, you?

David: I’m good grandpa. I’m jus–

Grandpa: I’m fine, how are you?

David: How’s the house–

Grandpa: Ay, did you hear about David?

David: I’m David!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What a mess! So, this Easter, call your grandmother and your grandfather

[Cut to Grandma and Grandpa talking to David]

Grandpa: Tell David I got that shower radio.

Grandma: Your grandpa like, got a shower radio.

David: Oh, cool.

Grandpa: What did he say?

Grandma: He said that’s cool. Oh, my god. The geese are back. Hold on.

[Grandma passes the phone to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Hey, oh god. David, we gotta deal with the geese. Hold on.

[David leaves the phone hanging]

Grandma: Come on here!

Grandpa: I am here. Get off the rod.

Grandma: Go!

Grandpa: Why did these geese love these house?

David: Hello?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: So, take a deep breath and call your grandparents today. You know the number, because it hasn’t changed your entire life.

[cheers and applause]

WWE Promo Shoot

Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mud… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of backstage of Wrestle Mania.]

Kyle: Okay, moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our two wrestlers in there. [Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud walk in] Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud. [Kyle walks out]

Trashyard Mud: Great! Hey, can’t wait to work with you man. This is gonna be great.

Coco Watchout: Oh, man! Totally. Me too. I can’t wait.

Trashyard Mud: Hey, feel free to just really let me have it in this promo, man! Don’t hold back.

Coco Watchout: Oh, you sure?

Trashyard Mud: Ya, ya! Definitely. Just go for it.

Coco Watchout: Okay, cool. Alright.

Kyle: Okay, everybody set?

[Host walks in using his phone]

Trashyard Mud: This could be fun.

Coco Watchout: Yeah, man!

Kyle: And, action!

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.]

[rock music playing in the background]

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud. And there is no love loss between these two, isn’t that right Mud?

Trashyard Mud: No! [barks and howls] Oh, you better watch out because when Mud gets out of the Trashyard, the first thing that he’s gonna do is take out this big old pile of stinking rotten garbage. [barks]

Host: And what do you have to say about that Coco?

Coco Watchout: Let me tell you something about this guy. He has herpes. It’s true. Oh, he’s got herpes and he’s got it bad.

Trashyard Mud: Yeah! Yeah, well, you’re gonna be rid in a body bag when I’m through with you. [barks]

Coco Watchout: Yeah? Well, you can’t have sex with anyone without having a talk first coz of your herpes. I heard your doctor said it was the most herpes he’d ever seen!

Host: Well, you heard it here first. Mud has herpes. And it gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Kyle: And cut!

[Host starts using his phone and leaves]

Coco Watchout: Hey dude!

Trashyard Mud: Hey!

Coco Watchout: So, what did you think man? It was pretty good, right?

Trashyard Mud: Um, no! No, not really. Yeah, that stuff was kind of personal. Maybe talk to me more about stuff that you were gonna do to me in the ring.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Cool. I got it.

[Host walks in using his phone]

Okay, not a problem.

Trashyard Mud: That’s cool.

Kyle: Alright. Promo take two. And action.

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.]

[rock music playing in the background]

Host: And here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud, and there is no love loss between these two, isn’t that right Coco?

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah! When we get in that ring on Sunday, I’m gonna tell everybody about what I found on his computer. It’s full of Family Guy porn. You keep googling “Lewis Sex Brian”. And Brian’s the dog, man!

Trashyard Mud: I like dogs. Ay! How do you know all of that?

Coco Watchout: I hired a research firm to dig up dirt on you. And then they found out ton. You remember the college girlfriend named Donna? It turns out eight months after you broke up, he had a baby girl Evelyn.

Trashyard Mud: What?

Coco Watchout: I met her. She is a lovely girl and honored student. And she doesn’t want to have a thing to do with you, man! Because you never met her coz you’re not fit to be a dad. And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

Host: And tell me, what do you have to say to that, Mud?

Trashyard Mud: [Trashyard Mud is confused but he barks]

Host: You heard it here folks. And it all gets settled this Sunday.

Kyle: Cut! Cut!

[Kyle walks in]

I like that. Are you guys feeling that one?

Trashyard Mud: No.

Coco Watchout: Yeah. You said, man! Just let you have it, right?

Trashyard Mud: Yeah. I take it back, man. Okay? Just do normal stuff. Like, how you’re gonna rip me apart or something.

Coco Watchout: Okay. I mean, that seems wrong to me. But okay. Okay. For sure. Okay. I got it.

Trashyard Mud: Come on!

[Kyle leaves]

Kyle: And, action!

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.]

[rock music playing in the background]

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud.

Coco Watchout: I’m gonna rip this guy apart! And I mean psychologically.

Trashyard Mud: Jesus!

Coco Watchout: We have been looking on something the last eight months, Mud. You know, the internet girlfriend Staccy? The college student who lives in Hawaii that you’ve never met in person?

Trashyard Mud: Oh,no.

Coco Watchout: Well, I got news for ya. She’s really not a college student and her real name’s not Stacey. It’s Coco. That’s right. I cat-fished your ass! I made you fall in love with me and you had no idea!

Trashyard Mud: That is so intricate! Why are you doing this?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know that cute picture of Stacey that you’ve been spanking at? It’s actually a picture of Evelyn, the daughter you never met. Whoo!

Trashyard Mud: I think I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mud leaves]

Host: Well, there you have it folks. All at Wrestle Mania this Sunday

Coco Watchout: Ah! Coz that’s what Coco is cooking.

Kyle: Yeah! Now it’s a cut!

Host: Oh! Too far, Coco!

The Rock Obama Cold Open

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Tom Cotton… Kyle Mooney

John Boehner… Taran Killam

Ted Cruz… Bobby Moynihan

Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata

The Rock Obama… Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Agent… Beck Bennett

She Rock Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a meeting with Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Gentlemen, um, thank you for coming. Now, the reason I asked you all here is because we only have until end of March to get something done in my list. And that’s hard to do when you, senator Cotton are sending letters to Iranian government behind my back?

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: Yes, I did. [Tom Cotton looks at John Boehner and Ted Cruz]

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Alright. Or, when you, speaker Boehner are inviting the prime minister of Israel to speak to congress without consulting with me?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: I did do it.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Or when you, senator Cruz call Mr. Netanyahu, an extraordinary leader and side with him against your own president?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s just how I feel.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Now, look. I’m gonna try to not lost my temper. But what’s it gonna take for us to show a united front on this?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: Well, not to be rude, Mr. President, but the only reason I invited prime minister Netanyahu is because I wanted to meet a world leader whose people actually respect him.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

Ted Cruz: Yeah, you know? [Cut to Ted Cruz] And I’m impressed he even came to visit considering how much your bad your situation in the middle east.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: I’ve been in Wash in three months and I think I think I understand foreign policy better than you. And unrelated, I heard your file four bracket is totally busted.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off. He starts screaming and grunting.]

[Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner and Ted Cruz. Michelle Obama walks in the office.]

Michelle Obama: Oh, my god! It’s happening.

[Cut to a worn shirt and shoes being torn]

[Cut to The Hulk version of Barack Obama.]

[Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner, Ted Cruz and Michelle Obama. They look shocked.]

John Boehner: What’s happening?

Michelle Obama: What’s happening is you made Barack Obama very angry. And when you make him angry, he turns into ‘The Rock Obama’. Well, anyway, I just wanted to remind you about dinner Barack. Gentlemen, good luck!

[Michelle Obama leaves]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]
Barack Obama: Now, um, don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama much like Barack Obama, only larger and more violent. Now, where were we? You.

[Cut to John Boehner and The Rock Obama]

John Boehner: Me?

The Rock Obama: You invite Netanyahu without asking?

John Boehner: [scared] Um, I- I did. But–

[The Rock Obama carried John Boehner by his collar with one hand]

The Rock Obama: You like Israel?

John Boehner: Yes.

The Rock Obama: Oh, maybe you should go visit Israel.

[The Rock Obama throws John Boehner out of the window.]

You, Tom Cotton.

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Come here.

[Tom Cotton walks to The Rock Obama.]

Tom Cotton: Okay.

[Cut to Tom Cotton and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: You write letter to Iran?

Tom Cotton: I did, yes.

The Rock Obama: You like writing letters?

Tom Cotton: I guess.

The Rock Obama: How you write letter when you have no hand?

[The Rock Obama pulls off Tom Cotton’s hand]

Tom Cotton: Oh! Oh, god!

The Rock Obama: Watch, this. Obama from downtown.

[The Rock Obama throws Tom Cotton’s hand into the bin like scoring in basketball.]

Break! Okay, you go now.

[Tom Cotton jumps out of the window himself.]

[Cut to Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama.]

You! Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz: Alright.

The Rock Obama: Come, sit next to president.

[Ted Cruz sits near The Rock Obama]

Ted Cruz: Yes?

The Rock Obama: You shut down government? Very rude! The Rock Obama polite, so I ask, please, may I crush your head?

Ted Cruz: Oh, no!

[The Rock Obama is crushing Ted Cruz’s head]

[Cut to Michelle Obama walking in]

Michelle Obama: Barack, stop!

[cut to Michelle Obama, Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Oh, just kidding. Me no crush his head. Just tear it off.

Ted Cruz: Oh-oh!

Michelle Obama: Senator, you better go.

Ted Cruz: Okay, bye-bye.

[Ted Cruz runs out]

[Agent walks in]

Agent: Excuse me Mr. President.

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Yes, agent.

[Cut to Agent]

Agent: I’m afraid we have another little oopsie due over at the secret service. Turns out there has been a mentally ill vagrant living in the White House garden for the last two months.

[Cut to Agent and Michelle Obama]

Michelle Obama: [yelling] Are you kidding me? My garden?
[Michelle Obama is screaming and grunting]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Easy Michelle!

[Cut to Michelle Obama’s back. Her dress and shoes are being torn like The Hulk.]

[Cut to She Rock Obama screaming and grunting]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Barack not only one. There’s also “She Rock Obama”

[Cut to Agent and She Rock Obama]

She Rock Obama: You try to protect us, but who will protect you?

[She Rock Obama pulls off Agent’s arm. Agent faints.]

[Cut to She Rock Obama and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Michelle, high-five! Ah! Being president is fun.

The Rock Obama and She Rock Obama: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Jungle

Shortlong… Pete Davidson

Dr. Bones… Dwayne Johnson

Ms. Reece… Kate McKinnon

Tribal man… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

[Starts with TNT Movie Night intro]

Male voice: You’re watching TNT Movie Night. And now, back to the 1983 classic, Escape from Jungle Island.

[Cut to three people in the jungle]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones! Look! The Forbidden Temple of lost souls.

Dr. Bones: Excellent work, Shortlong. And you were a very talented translator Mrs. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Actually, it’s Ms. Reece, Dr. Bones. [Ms. Reece is feeling Dr. Bones’s muscles] I hope we share many more adventures together.

Dr. Bones: Well, let’s keep it professional, Ms. Reece. We have to retreat the priceless Yulu-Yulu crystal and get off the jungle island. There’s gotta be a lever here. There’s always a lever.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Uma-Uma-Uma. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Shortlong’s neck.]

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones. I’ve been hit by a poisonous dart.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, no!

Shortlong: This is the end of the line for me, Dr. Bones. I’m a goner.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you still have a chance. I’ll suck the poison out.

[Dr. Bones is sucking Shortlong’s neck.]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, sweet kiss!

[Cut to Dr. Bones and Shortlong. Dr. Bones sucks the poison out of Shortlong’s neck. Shortlong survives.]

Dr. Bones: There. Feel better, Shortlong?

Shortlong: Dr. Bones. You saved my life.

Dr. Bones: Ah! Well, I’d do the same thing for all my friends.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Really? Oh, well. [Ms. Reece acts as she’s been hit by a dart on her lips] Oh, no. I’m hit too. Right on my soft lips. You both heard it. Oh!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: I don’t see a dart, Ms. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Ya, but you’re just a guy. Maybe Dr. Boner should look.

Dr. Bones: It was probably a mosquito.

[Cut to another tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Bali-bali-bali. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s chest.]

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Bones: Ah! I’m hit. I’m hit right in the chest.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, I’ll suck it out. Me!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: No, no, no, no! Ms. Reece. Dr. Bones saved my life. Now, I must return the favor. It’s guy code.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, do you see the wound?

Shortlong: No.

[Dr. Bones is unbottoning his shirt.]

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: No.

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: Ah! He hit you right on the nipple.

Dr. Bones: Oh! Quick! Shortlong!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, give me! Give me!

Dr. Bones: Suck the poison out with your mouth.

[Cut to Shortlong sucking on Dr. Bones’s nipple]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Wait! What if you blow into that nipple while I suck on the other one? Will that work? Let me try that, please?

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Already done.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you’re a true friend.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Are you sure you got all the poison? Someone should check to make sure–

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Good idea, Ms. Reece.

[Shortlong sucks on Dr. Bones’s nipple again]

[Shortlong spits out]

There you go. I got it all.

Dr. Bones: Now, let’s open this door and retrieve that crystal.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Feti-feti-feti-feti. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s butt.]

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! He hit me in the rear!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, damn! I got you.

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: No, no, no, Ms. Reece. I’m close to Dr. Bone. By the time you get over here, the poison will enter his blood stream.

Dr. Bones: He’s right, Ms. Reece. I appreciate you trying to help. But it has to be Shortlong. He’s slightly closer and time is of the essence.

[Shortlong sucks poison out of Dr. Bones’s butt.]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: I can hold his butt firmly for you, you know? So you can just focus on getting the poison out.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Oh, there’s so much poison Dr. Bones.

Dr. Bones: Don’t stop sucking Shortlong until it’s all out.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Um, we can take shifts. I go now, you go when I’m done tomorrow.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Already done. It was so hard to get a good seal. His skin is so tight!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: I owe you one, Shortlong.

[Cut to two tribal men]

Tribal men: Dali-dali-dali!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Aim over here, and I’ll make you very rich men.

[Tribal men shoot Shortlong and Dr. Bones with a dart on their penis.]

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! We both were shot right between the legs.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, no! And it all falls on me because only one can be saved. Oh, no! [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece] Farewell brave Shortlong.

Dr. Bones: No! We can save each other. Shorlong, quick! Cartwheel up to me.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones are sucking on each other cartwheeling.]

Ms. Reece: Let me in there! Let me in there!

Dr. Bones: They’ll be out in 15 minutes.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones leave and the tribal men come and take Ms. Reece away.]