Tag: Kyle Mooney

Impeachment Fantasy Cold Open

John Roberts… Mikey Day

Judge Mathis… Kenan Thompson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

John Bolton… Cecily Strong

Hunter Biden… Pete Davidson

Donald J. Trump… Alec Baldwin

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: After a months of anticipation, the impeachment trial of President Trump wound up consisting of two weeks of dry debate and posturing and will conclude without any witness testimony or new evidence. For those hoping for more, here is… THE TRIAL YOU WISH HAD HAPPENED!

[Cut to John Roberts in his chair hitting the gavel]

John Roberts: Order! Order in the chamber.

[cheers and applause]

I am Chief Justice John Roberts and I will be overseeing these proceedings with complete dis-interest.

[Judge Mathis walks in]

Judge Mathis: The hell you will be.

John Roberts: Oh! Judge Mathis?

Judge Mathis: That’s right. This court needs a real judge who got some big brass ones under his skirt. Scoot!

John Roberts: Okay, do you want my gavel?

Judge Mathis: Fool! I brought my own. Watch out!

[John Roberts leaves. Judge Mathis sits on the chair.]

Now, we about to do this trial right. Where is that sneaky little Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell walking in the courtroom through the door]

Mitch McConnell: Yes. Hello, I’m a sneaky little Mitch your honor. And I just want to remind the American people that all men are innocent after proven guilty.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You mean, until proven guilty.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha-ha. Sure.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. Let’s get Trump’s defense out here. Where is Lindsey Graham?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham walking in the courtroom through the door]

Lindsey Graham: Thank you your honor. [walks straight to a podium] Now, I may be a simple country but I have studied this from top to bottom. And I don’t see any other option.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You studied the case?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: No. I studied my chances of getting reelected and it ain’t gonna happen unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s skirts and tickle his biscuits. And that’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump is innocent, or my name is not Lindsey Valery Bobragart Matlock Graham.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you’re not worried about how this will go down in history?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: Look, where I come from, we have our own history books and all the cover of T-Rex is having a confederate flag to Jesus. Okay!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. I am done with this nonsense. We are calling witnesses coz that’s how a damn trial works. John Bolton, get your ass in here!

[Cut to John Bolton walking in the courtroom through the door]

Judge Mathis: And Mr. Bolton, what do you have to say for yourself?

John Bolton: Your honor. The things I saw president Trump do inside made me deeply worried about the future of democracy.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And why are you only coming out with this now?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: Coz I’m a messy bitch who loves drama.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Ooh! Now, this I like! Okay! Come on! Don’t leave me unread. Give me some of that hot tea. What else is in that book of your’s?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: No, no! Sorry judge. No more free spoilers. But, you can preorder the book now. It’s called ‘Harry Potter and the room where it happened.

[Mitch McConnell stands up]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, I object. If we’re hearing from John Bolton, we should hear from Hunter Biden too.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Oh, you know I’m calling Hunter Biden too. What do you think? I hate hilarious witnesses? The court calls Hunter Biden.

[Cut to Hunter Biden hoverboarding into the courtroom through the door]

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Well, Hunter, thank you for coming.

Hunter Biden: Hey, you’re not gonna believe this but my schedule was wide open.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And how exactly are you mixed up in all of this?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Um, I’m not. The president is just kind of pointing at me to distract from his own crimes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And what’s your current job?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Oh, I’m on the board of the Brazilian money laundering company called, um, Nepo-tismo.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you admit you only got the job because of your father?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: That’s right. I’ve been selling Biden steaks for my office at the top of Biden tower and letting foreign leader stay. Oh, wait! No, that’s the president’s sons. You burn!

[John Bolton rotates on his hoverboard.]

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, this is ridiculous. He clearly received money in exchange for political influence. Which reminds me,… [music playing] [advertising COAL] Coal, beautiful, clean, the way of the future. This one lump of coal can power a light bulb for almost two minutes.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: And I’d like to do a quick one for guns. [advertising GUNS] Guns, you can’t watch a Super Bowl without a gun.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, there will be no more ads in my courtroom.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Then, your honor, I would like to call three more lawyers on behalf of President Trump.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You, shut up. In this version of the trial, Trump is defending himself. The court calls Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the courtroom with the help of mobility walker]

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, now, what is happening here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine? I can barely get around the house.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: President Trump, are you trying to weinstein me right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: In which sense? Because Harvey and I overlap in a few areas.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. President, what is your defense?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: My defense is very simple, your honor. I’m guilty but it ain’t nothing!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, that’s a warning. Do the democrats have a response? Adam Schiff?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. Schiff, are you crying?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. It’s just my gecko eyes have been wide open for 86 straight hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There he goes Schifty Schiff, two shifts to the wind. She shifts, sea Schiff, by the Schifi-gy! I’m sorry. I just had one of my favorite mini-strokes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m not having it with the Schiff. I need a real lawyer. Who is around? Where is my cousin Vinny at?

[Cut to Vinny walking in the courtroom. He’s wearing leather jacket and a gold chain.]

Vinny: Hey, your honor. I object to this entire line of questioning!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You object?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: That’s right. You see, There’s no way this guy Trump only met with two yukes.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Um, two what? Did you just say yukes?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: Yeah, two yukes, you know? Two Ukrainians!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: That is too dumb even for this, my cousin Vinny. You can leave. Thank you. President Trump, would you like to make a closing statement?

[Cut to Donald Trump. He’s wearing an enormous afro-hair wig.]

Donald Trump: I would, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Take that Phil Spector wig off.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I actually thought it was an improvement, but fine! Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I’ve learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I’d like to come clean about everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect. It was illegal. And frankly it was a but dial. Also, I watch CNN all the time and it’s awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvanya, Arkansas and West-Virginia. West-Carolina, I’m sorry. I cheat all the time at golf, taxes, wives, elections and bathroom scandals. I’m not 239 pounds. I’m 475 pounds. And I don’t really need this walker either, although it helps me be lazier which I like. What else? Oh, I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really gonna be bad. But this trial has been incredible because I now have a best friend. Mitch McConnell, get in here Mitch!

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

He’s a ride or die bitch. And we’re gonna be linked forever, right Mitch?

[music playing]

Mitch McConnell: [singing] What have I done?

Who am I now?

Have I just thrown away all of my dignity

Am I a clown?

[John Bolton and Lindsey Graham walk in]

John Bolton and Lindsey Graham: [singing] That’s insulting to clowns!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, [hits his gavel twice] Judge Mathis finds the defendant guilty on all charges. He is fined $10,000 and I’m forcing him to say one nice thing about Nancy Palosi.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Fine! Her body is an eight!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: I’ll take it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Frozen 2

Elsa… Kate McKinnon

Anna… Cecily Strong

Kristoff… JJ Watt

Yucob… Kyle Mooney

Yogan… Beck Bennett

Latayas… Kenan Thompson

Olaf… Mikey Day

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: It’s official, Frozon II is coming to digital HD next week. So, you can play it for you kids while you drink a margarita in the bathroom. And you can also order the Frozen II DVD including deleted scenes like this one.

[Cut to Elsa walking in a red forest]

Elsa: Hello. Is anyone there? Anna? Kristoff? Olaf? I’m gay? Is anyone there?

[Anna runs in]

Anna: Elsa!

Elsa: Anna!

Anna: I heard you calling. This enchanted forest is so disorienting.

Elsa: It sure is. I don’t know whether we’re heading north, south, gay or west.

Anna: Did you say gay?

Elsa: No! I’m not anything. You have a fulfilling heterosexual marriage at the age of eighteen and I had to spend two whole movies playing with snow. Both are equal and good. And then, in Frozen III, I can just, freeze my ex.

Anna: Elsa, it’s okay. You see…

[music playing]

[sinigng] We all know, we all know

we’ve all known since you were a twin

when you dressed as Brian of Tarth

on three separate Halloweens

I don’t care, what Disney says

the twitter storm rages on

Elsa: The lack of any romantic interest doesn’t bother me anyway.

Male voice: Whoa! I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. If Elsa’s gay, she can turn my son gay, right? With her powers. Anyway, check out this next scene featuring a new original song.

[Cut to Kristoff walking with reindeer.]

Kristoff: Anna! Elsa!

[Cut to Elsa and Anna]

Anna: Oh, Kristoff. You’re okay?

[Cut to Kristoff]

Kristoff: Physically, yes. Mentally, still not great. This reindeer is my best friend.

[Cut to Anna walking to Kristoff]

Anna: Oh! My big strong hot shrek. You know what I love most about you, Kristoff?

Kristoff: That I’m poor so you can control me?

Anna: No. No, it’s that your sensitive. Sing your original new song for us, won’t you?

Kristoff: Anything for you, my love.

[music playing]

Kristoff: [singing] Big and woke

Big and woke

I am humongous sensitive of

Anna: A new kind of prince who’s not a creep

Kristoff: I won’t kiss you while you’re asleep

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: He’s not a bro but he’s not a cock

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: He’s gentle at first but he really can…

Male voice: Okay! Gonna cut that off a little early. Don’t think anyone screen these deleted scenes. But hey, let’s see how they dealt with the criticism that Frozen was too white.

[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]

Yucob: Halt! We’re the King’s guards.

Yogan: We’ve been trapped in this forest under an evil spell.

[Latayas walks in]

Latayas: That’s right. And we will protect the king at all costs.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: I’m sorry sir, and you are?

[Cut to the King’s guards]

Latayas: Latayas. Lieutenant in the royal guard.

Yogan: And I’m Yogan.

Yucob: And I’m Yucob. At your service.

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: Yes, you two make sens. I’m trying to wrap my head around Latayas. You live here?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: Norway, in 1840, that’s correct.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: And who do you live with?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: No one. All alone. In Norway. Not shoe-horned in any way.

[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]

Yogan: Oh sure, but when I auditioned to be in Black Panther army, that was a firm no.

[music playing]

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: [singing] How do you solve a problem like Latayas?

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: How do you make it seem like this makes sense?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: Why would I come to Scandinavia?

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff. Kristoff walks to Latayas]

Kristoff: At least we made this Frozen world diverse.

Latayas: Oh, yeah! It’s a real rainbow of colors now.

Male voice: Problem solved! And hey, see if you can spot how the animators redesigned one of the most iconic Frozen characters.

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: Guys, we need to keep moving. I’m supposed to ride a water-horse to an ice island to free a fire spirit or something. I think the part of this movie might be really bad.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: Oh! But we can’t leave without Olaf.

[Cut to Olaf running in. He has one carrot as his nose and another carrot as his penis.]

Olaf: Don’t worry. I’m right here, guys. Boy, isn’t it a beautiful day outside? Wheeeee!

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Kristoff: Um, hey Olaf, what’s that second carrot about?

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: Which? This one? [showing his nose carrot]

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: I think you know that’s not that carrot he’s talking about.

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: I guess I’m just growing up before your very eyes.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Kristoff: Alright! That’s it. We’re gonna leave Olaf here.

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: What? No hugs for Olaf? You know, carrots are good for your vision.

[music playing]

[singing] Do you want to build a snowman 

[Olaf walks to get hugs but everybody are walking away from him]

Kristoff: That thing is thicker than a coke can

[Cut to the reindeer thinking, “Oh, I love carrots”.]

Male voice: Alright! We’re just gonna end it there. Frozen II on digital HD and DVD. Tell your kids we’re sorry.

Food Dudes

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Beck getting in his hotel room]

Female voice: It’s happening again. You’re drunk and you’re ordering food.

Beck: [on the phone] Hey, ya, I’ll do the buffalo wings, some calamari, bacon cheese burger and maybe some fries. And onion rings too.

[split screen to Beck on left and Melissa on right.]

Melissa: And how many people will be dining?

Beck: Um, four.

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Female voice: You told her there were four people dining but it’s really just you. Or is it?

[Beck snaps is fingers and three dummies wearing clothes appear behind him]

Introducing Food Dudes. Three realistic mannequins that can sit with you when the food gets delivered, so no one thinks you’re an animal.

[Cut to Melissa brings in the food at Beck’s door.]

Melissa: Room service for four. I guess, this was a reasonable order.

Female voice: Plus, Food Dudes are noticeably overweight. [All the mannequins have big bellies] So everyone thinks they ordered most of the food.

[Cut to three mannequins and Beck with food on the table before them. Melissa is looking at them.]

Beck: These guys, am I right? What a bunch of slobs.

Melissa: Hold up! [Cut to Melissa] I wanna see one of them eat.

Female voice: Don’t worry. Food Dudes are completely motorized so they can realistically pick up and ingest human food.

[One mannequin picks up and eats the food.]

Melissa: I’m convinced. They’re real guys.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: And best of all, the inside of each Food Dude is a fully functioning microwave [Beck opens the mannequin’s pant and it’s butt is the microwave.] So when you’re alone again, simply open up the mannequin’s rear end an enjoy the rest of your meal.

Beck: Umm, piping hot.

[Cut to Matt ordering food]

Female voice: And Food Dudes can talk, so they’re perfect for shameless deliveries.

[Cut to Mikey delivering food at Matt’s door]

Mikey: Yeah, I got two large pizzas for Matt.

Matt: Um, well they’re not just for me.

Mikey: Dude, come on!

[Cut to mannequins talking]

Mannequin: Hey, hurry up with the food we’re all splitting.

Mannequin: Yeah, the other three of us are starving.

Mannequin: Plus, we’re noticeably overweight.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey:  Wow! I was wrong. Have fun with your diverse friends.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt: Thanks Food Dudes!

Female voice: And Food Dudes are easy to transport in their Food Dude Cocoons.

[Cut to Beck transporting his mannequins on a hospital bed]

[Melissa waves her hand at Beck and Beck smiles]

And they’re perfect for drive-throughs too.

[Cut to Kenan at the drive-through. He has the mannequins on his passenger seats.]

Kenan: Yeah, can I get 24 cheese burgers? And it ain’t all for me. These mannequins are gonna have some too.

Drive through: Excuse me?

[A mannequin sitting at Kenan’s back puts it’s hand on Kenan’s shoulder]

Mannequin: Thank you, daddy.

Kenan: It’s creeping me though.

Female voice: Food Dudes, not for sex.

[The End]

American Voices about the talk show

Ruby Nichols… Leslie Jones

Janine Katz… Sasheer Zamata

Jackie Katz… Kyle Mooney

Absin… Kenan Thompson

Mom… Cecily Strong

Regie… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with American Voices intro]

Male voice: Tonight on American Voices. Corso, Litterman, Leno, Falon. The late night talk show landscape has been home to some of America’s great talents. All of them fun. And just about all of them, men. But was it always this way? [A picture of Ruby Nichols appear] Actually, one of Television’s very first talk shows was hosted by an African-American woman, comedian Ruby Nichols.

[Cut to Janine Katz- Ruby’s Granddaughter]

Janine Katz: My grandmother started out in the 1940 on the legendary Chitland circuit doing party records like, Skunkment for Supper, and Who Sat On These Biscuits? But her big break came when she married my grandfather, TV producer Jackie Kats.

[Cut to a picture of Jackie Katz and Ruby Nichols hugging]

[Cut to Janine Katz]

Unfortunately this show had a couple of obstacles to overcome. Their band leader was blinded in an auto-plant accident. And they shot it in Atlanta which still wasn’t fully desegregated.

[Cut to Too Late with Ruby Nichols video bumper]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: Thank you. Thank you. You all see this? They had a big Hollywood movie opening last night. Vertigo, did anyone see it? You did? Well, I didn’t, because they wouldn’t let me in the Theater.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. They wouldn’t even let me in the front entrance of this theater and this is my show! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Makes me deeply sad.

Anyway, I want y’all to meet Absin on the piano. How you doing, Absin?

[Cut to Absin]

Absin: I- I- I’m doing real good. I’ve been resting comfortably since the accident. I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I don’t miss seeing nothing.

[playing piano]

[Cut to Janine Katz]

Janine Katz: To say it read people the wrong way is an understatement. But, ABC bravely kept it going and until the Hailey Mill’s episode. My grandmother was always frustrated. She was the only one on TV who had to have a day job.

[Cut to Ruby Nichol’s talk show set. Ruby Nichol, Absin and Miley are sitting.]

Ruby Nichols: Thank you for being here.

Miley: Thank you. I didn’t know what to expect.

Ruby Nichols: That’s how I feel all the time.  [laughing] Let’s talk about this movie. A lot of people are talking about parent trap. You seen it Absin?

[Cut to Absin and Miley]

Absin: Ya, I saw it twice.

[Cut to Absin, Miley and Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: [laughing] Well, did you bring your twin here tonight?

Miley: I don’t have a twin. They shot me as a two different characters, you silly.

[Cut to Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: [laughing] Alright, you got one more time to call me silly.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: I can just show you a bit if you like.

Ruby Nichols: Yes. I’d love it.

[Cut to a clip from the movie. Abygal played by Miley and Mom are sitting.]

Mom: Oh, Abby, please. At least eat your pie.

Abygal: I don’t want it mama, now that daddy’s not here. Not now, and not ever.

[Regie walks in]

Regie: Oh, now, come on Miss Abygal. Now I reckon I make all these pies for them now to get ate up. You hear? It will make me smile. Come on, now. Give old Regie a smile.

[Regie makes Abygal smile by pulling her lips at the two end with his fingers.]

[Cut to Ruby Nichol’s talk show set.]

Miley: Oh! Perhaps not the best clip to show.

Ruby Nichols: Ha-ha-ha. Question. You couldn’t make your own pie?

Absin: [talking to the crew members] Look here, do me a favor. Make sure my car’s running.

Miley: Ummm…

Ruby Nichols: I’m just so sick of Hollywood making us look like this. You know, I’m gonna tell you right now what I think of every white person here.

[Video cuts to a screen message “Please stand by”.]

[Cut to American Voices outro]

50s Homecoming Dance

Ditt Mayer… Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Kyle Mooney

Lindy Paderson… Kate McKinnon

Vena Gaditchy… Cecily Strong

Lily Gilford… Miley Cyrus

Nasty Jack… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a board that says, “Homecoming dance tonight”.]

[Cut to the homecoming party. People are dancing.]

Ditt Mayer: Hey, you guys wanna go drop cherry bombs in the toilets?

Taran: Hey, buzz off, Ditt Mayer!

Ditt Mayer: Ah! Your loss!

[Ditt leaves]

Jon: Wow, fellas! Look at all these girls, man!

Kyle: Get a load of Lindy Paderson.

[Cut to Lindy Paderson standing alone and smiling]

[Cut to the boys]

Wow!

Taran: Now, look at Vena Gaditchy.

[Cut to Vena Gaditchy standing with her friends]

[Cut to the boys]

She’s so bad. Uh-huh!

Jon: I got my people set on the new girl. Lily Gilford.

[Cut to Lily Gilford smiling]

[Cut to the boys]

Oh! She’s out of this world.

Kyle: Well, gentlemen, what are we waiting for?

[Cut to everybody]

[happy music playing]

[singing] I need a girl who aces her classes

[Cut to Lindy coming in dancing]

Lindy: I need a guy, who would love my glasses

[Kyle and Lindy dance together]

Kyle: We both wear specs so it’s easy to see

Kyle and Lindy: That you’re the one for me.

[Kyle and Lindy dance away and Taran steps in]

Taran: I need a girl who feels good being bad

[Vena walk in singing]

Vena: You got a like. Shh! Don’t tell my dad.

Taran: Your pops won’t know about half the stuff we do

Taran and Vena: Coz I’m the one for you

[Taran and Vena dance away and Jon steps in]

Jon: I need a girl who will be true to me

[The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] I want to crush them all your rock

sprinkle on your jock at the parking lot, give you little glitter

eat it, smoke it like creator, sprinkles on my kushy cat

keep, keep my booty tap

What?

[music stops. Lily starts acting shy again.]

[Cut Taran and Vena. They are speechless.]

Taran: Um, she’s from Montana, right?

Vena: I don’t think she’s been from Montana in a long time.

[the happy music playing]

[Cut to Kyle and Lindy dancing]

Lindy: Before we kiss, I need to wear your pants

Kyle: All your’s.

[Cut to Taran and Vena dancing]

Vena: All I ride is the only car I ride in

Taran: Mustang!

[Cut to Jon and Lily]

[The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] You wanna date me?

you gotta chill with my friend, his name is Nasty Jack

[Nasty Jack walks in]

Nasty Jack: I’m fulfilling!

Lily: We do everything together,

now just that Jack wants to have sex

Nasty Jack: Hell yeah! Can’t we?

Lily: And we’ll probably have sex with Nasty Jack too.

Nasty Jack: Oh! It’s gonna happen!

Lily: I watched him turn and eat gummy bears

and it’s her, you heard! So, uh!

Nasty Jack: So, we dating or what?

Jon: Wow, jeez! I don’t know if I wanna go all the way with you and Nasty Jack.

[Ditt runs in]

Ditt Mayer: Oh, cherry bomb!

[Ditt runs away]

[Cut to Kyle and Lindy singing and dancing]

Kyle: Scoob, scoob, schooby-doo-dupap!

Lindy: Bam, bam, bapa-bapa-bapa-bapa

[Cut to Taran and Vena singing and dancing]

Taran: Tu-wa-pap-duba-daba-dipidi-doo

Vena: Boong, bang, rama-lama-bingidi-bong!

[Cut to Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack]

Jon: Shang-shang–

[Lily purs cream on Jon’s face and starts licking it]

Oh, my gosh!

Okay! Okay! Okay! Can we stop? Okay, time out! Alright?

Nasty Jack: Too late. We going steady now!

Lily: Come on!

Jon: Okay!

[Jon and Lily sit on a toy horse. Everyone else starts dancing.]

[Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack leave]

Summertime Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with two couples enjoying a picnic]

Kenan: Oh, gosh! What a perfect day for a picnic. It’s so nice out there.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I’m just so glad it’s finally that time of year again. You know what I mean.

Bobby: I sure do.

[music playing]

[Cut to Cecily and Bobby]

Cecily: [singing] There’s a breeze in the trees and the suns on my knees that can only mean one little thing

Cecily and Bobby: It’s summer
I can’t believe it’s finally summer
no worries or cares
just fun everywhere
it’s summer, summer time

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer
I’m so happy that it’s summer
no more days spending tired
it’s time to unwind
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton walks in and sits on the table]

Hillary Clinton: Hi. How are you?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

May I have just a moment of your summer? Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. I’m running for president of this United States.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah, but that’s not for a long time. Now it’s summer vacation.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! My last vacation was in 1953. I played one round of hopscotch with a friend. I found it tedious. I mean, why hop when you can march… straight to the White House?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Well, this summer, I’m going to a water park.

Leslie: And I’m going to Spain.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s fun. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] And I’m going to fertilize a plant to talk of immigrants about the dream act.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to three three surfers with their surfing boards.]

Kyle: Dudes! The ocean looks so perfect.

Jay: Yeah, the waves are totally righteous.

Beck: They sure are. And you know why?

[music playing]

Surfers: [singing] It’s summer
the ocean’s perfect in summer
and this season’s my fav
let’s go catch some waves
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton comes in dancing]

Hillary Clinton: Ay, there, 18 to 25 year olds. How does it all hang?

Jay: What?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton posing in front of Kyle’s board]

Hillary Clinton: God, I love summer. You know, fun fact about summer. You know Bernie Sanders? This is his 73rd one! [laughing by herself] I guess the old age thing is his narrative now. Will you summer kids help me spread that?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Um, we were about to hit the waves.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: That’s cool. You know what else is cool? In two years, I’ll be 69. [Cut to everybody] Do you like that? Bill told me to tell that to young males.

Kyle: Cool! We gotta go. I can hear the ocean calling.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: And I can hear the screams of a dying middle class.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time

[Cut to Venessa and Taran cycling on the beach]

Venessa: Honey, I think this is the best day I’ve ever had.

Taran: I never wanted to end, summer I mean.

[music playing]

Venessa and Taran: [singing] It’s summer.
Hey, it’s finally summer
we’ve nothing to do
it’s just me and you

[Hillary Clinton starts running by their cycle]

It’s summer–

Hillary Clinton: Hi. Hillary Clinton. Hello. I love that tandem bike. If you elect me, I promise to work in tandem with congress.

Venessa: So, you’re running on the beach in a wall suit jacket. Aren’t you hot?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I’m hot… for America. And I will run until I meet every voter alive. And then this November, I shall collect my reward.

Taran: Well, the election’s next November. So, you still have another summer of this.

[Hillary Clinton starts running faster than the cycle towards the camera]

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Venessa and Taran: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to Aidy and Pete building sand castle]

Aidy: We’re gonna build the coolest biggest sand castle ever!

Pete: It’s gonna have a moat and everything.

[music playing]

Aidy and Pete: It’s summer
we’re so glad it’s finally summer
no homework or school
no teachers or rules

[Hillary Clinton walks n]

it’s summer, summer time!

Hillary Clinton: I love your sand castle.

Aidy: Thanks. It’s our dream house.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, neat! This is my dream house.

[Hillary Clinton shows a White House made out of sand.]

Right here. Look at that. Isn’t it fun? Why don’t you tell your parents to vote for me? Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Oh, they don’t like you.

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: What? Why not?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: I don’t know. They just don’t.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, what can I do moving forward to earn their vote?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Um, I think nothing coz they said they don’t like you, and they just never will.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] What a fun thing to hear for almost 20 years.

[Hillary Clinton destroys Aidy and Pete’s sand castle.]

[music playing]

Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete: It’s summer, summer time.

[Cut to Sasheer with her friends putting on some sunscreen lotion.]

Sasheer: Wow, the sun is bright today girls. Better lotion up. I’ve got my arms but can someone help me reach my back?

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: I can do that.

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer: Wow, thanks Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: God, I love summer.

[music playing]

Sasheer and Bill Clinton: It’s summer
god I freaking love the summer

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no!

[Hillary Clinton pulls Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry.

Hillary Clinton: Billary Rodham Clinton, what are you doing?

Bill Clinton: [speaking to Sasheer] It’s my mom! Sorry!

[Sasheer leaves]

Hillary Clinton: We’re supposed to be campaigning, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Come on, Hillary. I mean, don’t you ever just wanna have one chill peaceful day?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, of course I do. I have the perfect peaceful day planned. On the final day of my eight years as president, my soul will leave my body, shoot into the sky and become an eternal ball of bright white light. Then, and only then, shall I know peace.

Bill Clinton: Holy mother of Chelsea, ha-ha-ha.

[music playing]

[everybody walks in]

Everybody: It’s summer
everyone, enjoy your summer
sand under our feet
non-stop meet and greet
it’s summer, summer time!
it’s summer, summer time!
And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Police Line Up

Police Officer… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Simon… Taran Killam

Kurt… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Louis C.K.

[Starts with Officer and Pete in the police station]

Officer: Alright now, let’s make sure I have this right. So, you were attacked outside of Ray Burn Players workshop theater on Thursday the 5th?

Pete: That’s correct, sir! I was just walking down the street and someone hit me to the ground.

Officer: Well, we think we got the guy but we gotta do a line up. They’re actually all actors at the theater. We need you to try to identify the one that robbed you.

Pete: Okay. Got it.

Officer: I’m gonna make sure I have this right. The assailant said, “Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got. I have a knife.”

Pete: That’s right.

Officer: [talking on the mic] Okay, bring them in.

[Cut to the actors walking in the room]

Simon: Hello, how are you?

Kurt: Hello.

Beck: Hi.

Louis: Hi, thanks a lot for letting us– yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Okay, each of you will step forward and read the line on the card. Number one, go ahead.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Yes, hello. Hello. I’m Simon Backster Boil. I brought an extra head shot. [showing his photograph] If anyone wants that. I apologize. Little nervous. Okay.

[Simon starts acting]

[yellng] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Simon stops acting]

Was that okay?

Beck: That was great, man! You’re totally gonna get it. That was awesome!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number two, step forward.

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Kurt Hogar.

[Cut to Kurt. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.]

[Kurt starts acting]

Alright! Um…

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just say the line.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: I’m getting there.

[clears throat] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! [takes a puff of cigarette] I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Simon: Oh, wow! There was so much going on there. Bravo, sir!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number three.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well first off, love the script! So good! I’m sorry. I just need to know my motivation, be a little bit clear on that. Is this like a vengeance thing or?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just read what we gave you.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Okay, I’m gonna go vengeance on this one.

[Beck starts acting]

Let’s make this quick, give me everything you got! I have a knife.

[stops acting]

God! That was so flat! What?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: I feel like this character is a woman.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: It’s not!

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Alright. Well, I can’t help it channel some feminine energy, but I’ll do my best!

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors clapping]

Simon: Wow! Wow! Bold! I never would have gone there.

Louis: Well, you know. I like to explore. I think gender is fluid.

Simon: Absolutely.

Kurt: Totally. Yes!

Beck: That’s true.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Oh, boy! Well kid, any of those sound familiar?

Pete: I’m not really sure. Can I hear number three again?

Officer: Number three, again please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [surprised]Oh, alright, great! Yeah, I’ll mix it up. Try something different.

[starts acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Louis: Dude! That was amazing! I love that funny twirl.

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know.

Kurt: We should write together sometime and make our own thing or something.

Simon: My friend Brian has a camera.

Beck: Well, one video per week? We have no excuses, you guys!

Louis: We can do like, a web video.

Everybody: Yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Gentlemen, please! Number two, again!

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Alright. Can I — Can I walk into this? I’m gonna walk into it.

[Cut to Kurt preparing to act]

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Brother, that was awesome.

Kurt: Really? It still feels so stiff to me.

Louis: Well, loosen up, man! Shoot a couple of vocal arrows.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: Great! Yeah, yeah!

[Kurt starts gesturing as if he’s shooting arrows and making noises.]

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Ay! Stop that! Now, I need each of you to say the line one more time… as yourselves. No funny business. Go.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: [acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: [acting] [singing] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I’m not ready yet. You go. You go.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [acting] Let’s make this quick anyway! I mean, give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [acting] Okay, let’s make– [starts sobbing] I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this.

[cut to Beck and Louis]

Louis: [comforting] Of course you can. You’re crying, what’s wrong?

Beck: I don’t know. This character is just like really personal to my life experience. So, it’s really hard.

Louis: You know what? Use it. Use it. Just, use it.

Beck: Okay, I will. This is so hard, you guys. Okay.

[yelling] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Pete: Oh, yeah! That’s the guy.

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Oh, my god! I got it!

Kurt: You’ll be a star!

[Actors are celebrating for Beck]

[The End]

Waterslide

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Jess… Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a video clip of water park.]

Beck: Okay, you’re up now.

Kyle: Watch it!

Sasheer: Oh, my god! Everybody knows how to ride a water slide.

Beck: Really? Well, tell that to me two summers ago. I didn’t slide safe and I messed up my jaw.

Kyle: Now, he can’t say cinnamons.

Beck: Slomonon.

Kyle: Arms in, you’re good to go.

[Sasheer slides down]

Beck: Next rider.

[Bobby walks up to the slide. He has his shirt all messed up with food.]

Wait! You puked in a lazy river this morning.

Bobby: No, I didn’t.

Kyle: That’s puke on your shirt.

Bobby: No, it’s not.

[Bobby slides down]

[sound of Bobby puking]

Beck: Argh!

Kyle: Man! He yaked again!

Beck: He yaked! I knew it was him.

[Jess walks to them]

Jess: What’s up guys?

Beck: Oh, what’s up, Jess?

Kyle: You’re looking good today.

Beck: Yeah, you’re looking better than yesterday.

Kyle: Well, that’s impossible. I don’t even know if it’s possible.

Beck and Kyle: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jess: You guys are so funny. Hey, can one of you guys do me, such a huge solemn, and screen my shoulders. It’s totally scorch.

Beck: Oh, I got it Jess.

Kyle: I’ll all about sun safety.

Beck: I got it first dude!

Kyle: Fuck off, Chad!

Beck: You fuck off, yeah!

Jess: I don’t know. You guys are too much. Just do it together.

Beck: Oh, dang, Jess, you got a lot of moles.

Kyle: I feel like a blind guy. I’m like reading your skin or something.

Jess: Thanks. My mom says it gives me personality. And my dad and I don’t speak. Oh, man, that feels bomb!

Beck: Yeah!

Kyle: It’s bomb right there.

Beck: Bomb, dude!

Jess: Yeah.

[Cut to the the line of people for slide ]

Cecily: Um, can I go? Or should I just freaking stand here until I’m freaking thousand freaking years old?

Jess: We’re having a staff meeting right now.

Cecily: Oh, well, okay. I’m gonna go down.

[Cut to Beck, Kyle and Jess]

Kyle: Whatever, we don’t care.

[sound of Cecily sliding and hitting something]

Cecily: Ouch! My freaking chin!

[Kenan comes in running and tired]

Kenan: Jess!

Jess: Ya!

Kenan: Some kid over the Gubby’s Grotto wedged his dork into one of the jets. He’s weaking out!

Jess: Ah! That is our third hog pog this week.

Kenan: Hey, you gotta hole in some warm water. These little perverts are gonna plug it.

Jess: Alright guys. I gotta roll. And um, I’ll be down for riding your Jeep sometimes. Later!

Kyle: Cool! I’ll ask my dad if I can borrow it.

[Cut to the the line of people for slide ]

Beck: Oh! Yeah. Oh, man! Line’s long as hell.

Kyle: Come on, make us some time.

Beck: Alright, everybody down at once.

Kyle: Just go! Just go!

Beck: Hustle! Hustle!

Kyle: I did my job!

Beck: Yes, dude! Ha-ha. Give me a water-five, dude!

[Beck and Kyle do high-five]

[The End]

The L.A. Scene

Lisa Ferar… Cecily Strong

Jackie Fong… Reese Witherspoon

Kedal… Kenan Thompson

Marquees… Jay Pharoah

Andrew Marks… Pete Davidson

Clay Alexander… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The Scene in LA intro]

[Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong in their show set dancing drinking cocktails.]

Lisa Ferar: Hi, you guys. Welcome to our premiere episode of The Scene in LA. I’m Lisa Ferar.

Jackie Fong: And I’m Jackie Fong. The Fong is by marriage, obviously.

Lisa Ferar: Yes, she is married to the fabulous plastic surgeon, Henry Fong. He is generous producer of our show and maker of these boobs.

Jackie Fong: And these, among other things.

Lisa Ferar: [laughing] Yes, I love that.

Jackie Fong: I also love this couch.

Lisa Ferar: Ooh, me too. Hey, Kedal, where is this couch from?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees in the sound department.]

Kedal: Huh? What’s that, sweetheart? I can’t hear you coz I’m in my headset.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong]

Lisa Ferar: But don’t our mics feed into your headset?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Um, not as of right now.

Kedal: We’re still trying to figure out what all this stuff is, okay?

[Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong]

Jackie Fong: Well, at least we’re on fleek!

Lisa Ferar: Oh! [laughing] Yes, I love that. Fleek! Okay, guys, we promised a hot show and we are going to deliver because our first guest is hot, hot, hot!

Jackie Fong: He was just named one of the top chefs under 25 in LA Weekly.

Lisa Ferar: Please welcome Andrew Marks!

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand up and dance as Andrew Marks walks in]

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong put Andrew Marks between them]

Jackie Fong: Hey!

Lisa Ferar: Hi!

Andrew Marks: Hello.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong are sitting super close to Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: First ques… um, how much under 25 are you?

Jackie Fong: Second ques… what’s your age ceiling?

Andrew Marks: Ha-ha. I… um… I thought we were gonna talk about my restaurant.

Lisa Ferar: Yeah, we’ll get there.

[phone message alert. Lisa Ferar checks her phone.]

Lisa Ferar: Alright, guys. I’m so sorry. You guys, my assistant Kevin just texted. I gotta call him back, it’s an emergency. You guys get cozy.

Jackie Fong: Okay. So, chefs have really long hours. [you can hear Lisa Ferar dialing the number on her phone] Um, must be you have a lot of stamina.

Andrew Marks: Well, you know…

Lisa Ferar: [speaking on the phone] Kevin, it’s me. You need to get me my poise pads.

[Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks look confused]

Jackie Fong: Um, so, um… do you think I’m hot?

Lisa Ferar: speaking on the phone] No, you gave me freaking depends diapers. It feels like I’m sitting on a wet pillow.

Andrew Marks: Are you hearing that?

Lisa Ferar: I said, find me some poise pads.

Andrew Marks: You must have heard that, right?

Lisa Ferar: Okay… [Lisa Ferar walks back in] What did I miss?

Jackie Fong: Hey girl.

Lisa Ferar: Nothing fun I hope.

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: Um, sweetheart, you left your mic on.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: When?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: We had a direct connection to you for all of that.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: Why didn’t you turn my sound off, Marquees?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Okay, I’m sorry. I do not know how.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Jackie Fong: You told Mr. Fong you could do all of this.

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Um, honey. We all lie in interview, okay? You get on the job and you figure it out.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Jackie Fong: Okay, well, while you’re figuring it out, let’s just bring out another guest.

Lisa Ferar: Yes! I love my job!

Jackie Fong: [to Andrew Marks] You can your DP can just move over to that chair so that we can make room for our next guest. He was named one of LA’s 25 hottest DJs under 22.

Lisa Ferar: Come on out, Clay Alexander.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand up and dance as Clay Alexander walks in]

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong put Clay Alexander between them]

Jackie Fong: So, you play music but you don’t write it.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong are sitting super close to Clay Alexander]

Clay Alexander: Well, I guess you can say–

Lisa Ferar: [interrupting] Hey! Has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Scott Bakula?

Jackie Fong: Yes! Yes!

Clay Alexander: I don’t even know what that is. That can be like, the name of an animal or something.

Lisa Ferar: [laughing] Yes, I love that. So funny.

Jackie Fong: It’s time for a commercial break, so you guys don’t go anywhere.

[Jackie Fong runs out]

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: I don’t know what she’s talking about. We not in a commercial.

[Cut to Clay Alexander and Lisa Ferar]

Lisa Ferar: We’re not? Oh, hey, what would you do if you saw me in the club?

[you can hear Jackie Fong through the mic]

Jackie Fong: Oh, my god. Thank god that bathroom is empty. How cute is that DJ? [farts] [Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander are disgusted] Oh, my god! I just farted so loud. Thank god I did it in here, not in front of that hunky DJ.

[Lisa Ferar comes back in]

Lisa Ferar: Okay. What were we talking about? Any hot hookups while I was away?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: Sweetheart, we heard what you did. It was nasty.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander]

Jackie Fong: What? Why can’t Marquees turn off our mics?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Okay, please do not yell at me today. I cannot deal with that type of energy.

Kedal: I mean, we’ll be better by the next show, I bet.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander]

Lisa Ferar: Okay, ya, please do. Oh, here comes my baby Winston to take us out. Winston! What have you got?

[a dog walks in]

Clay Alexander: Is that a poise pad?

[the dog gives Lisa Ferar a poise pad]

Lisa Ferar: No, no.

[Andrew Marks and Clay Alexander run away from the stage]

Jackie Fong: Hey, where are you guys going? Don’t leave. What are you doing later tonight?

Lisa Ferar: Just… let’s dance.

[music playing]

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand and start dancing]

Mother’s Day Apologies Monologue with Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Penelope Strong

Jay Pharoah

Ramona Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Laura Campbell

Sasheer Zamata

Ivory Steward

Beck Bennett

Sarah Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Carolyn Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Elizabeth Ann Thompson

Pete Davidson

Amy Waters Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Georganne Vinall

Kyle Mooney

Linda Kozub

Bobby Moynihan

Julie Moynihan

Betty Reese

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Reese Witherspoon.

[Reese Witherspoon walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live, especially since it’s the Mother’s day show. [cheers and applause] Mothers are the best. And now that I’m a mother myself, I finally understand what my mom went through with me. I was a full on nightmare. From the ages from 5 through 37. And that’s why tonight, we have a very special treat for y’all. Our real mothers are here. And we are gonna bring them out and apologize for real terrible things we did to them. So, let’s bring them out already. Are you ready?

Audience: Yes!

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, first up, Cecily and her mom Penny.

[Cecily and her mother walk in]

Cecily: Well, hi mom. [music playing] I’m sorry for writing you angry notes on the computer using the dingbats font so you wouldn’t know I was using swear words.

Cecily’s mom: I knew.

Cecily: I know. Happy mother’s day.

[cheers and applause]

[Cecily and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up, it’s Jay and his mom, Ramona.

[Jay and his mother walk in]

Jay: Um, hey mom. [music playing] Remember those sandwiches you used to make for me for school? They had like bazel and stuff, I don’t know. It took you forever to make.

Jay’s mom: I remember.

Jay: Yeah, I threw all of them in trash.

Jay’s mom: What?

Jay: So, um, I’m sorry. Come on, just don’t talk. Let’s go.

[Jay and his mother leave]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up, it’s Kate and her mom Laura.

[Kate and her mother walk in]

Kate: Hi, mom.

Kate’s mom: Hi honey.

Kate: I’m sorry that whenever I would play may believe with my friends, it was never princesses. Instead we would reenact the shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco by Amy Fisher. And I of course would play Jo Buttafuoco. So, I’m sorry for being so weird, mom!

Kate’s mom: You know, honey, it’s good that you’re weird coz weird got you here.

Kate: You’re right, mom. You’re right.

[cheers and applause]

[Kate and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next is Sasheer and her mom, Ivory.

[Sasheer and her mother walk in]

Sasheer: Hi, mommy. I’m sorry that in second grade, I slapped a girl across the face and broke her glasses and you had to buy her new ones. And in the spirit of mother’s day, if that girl is watching, I’d just like to say, “You deserved it.”

Sasheer’s mom: You did!

[cheers and applause]

[Sasheer and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Beck and his mom, Sarah.

[Beck and his mother walk in]

Beck: Mom, hi. So, remember that vibrating swiggle wiggle pen that you got me when I was little?

Beck’s mom: [looking concerned] Uh-huh?

Beck: I’m sorry for sexually experimenting with that.

[Beck’s mom is shocked. Beck pulls her out of the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. Thank you, Beck. That was gross. Um, next up is Venessa and her mom, Carolyn.

[Venessa and her mother walk in]

Venessa: Hi, mom. You look beautiful.

Venessa’s mom: Thank you.

Venessa: I’m sorry that when I was little, I used to pee the bed. And then I’d get out of the bed and run around my room peeing. And then I’d freak out and run to your room and pee the whole way there. So, sorry for all of the pee.

[cheers and applause]

[Venessa and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, come on up here, Kenan and his mom,

[Kenan and his mother walk in]

Kenan: Hi, mama.

Kenan’s mom: Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Thanks for coming. I’m sorry that when I was a teenager, I loved fire. And that one night, I tried to secretly burn a piece of notebook paper and almost set out entire house on hire.

Kenan’s mom: That’s okay, honey. But I’ve always wondered what was on that piece of paper.

Kenan: We ain’t got to talk about that.

[Kenan and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up is Pete and his mom, Amy. [Pete and his mother walk in] Mrs. Davidson, before Pete says anything, I’d just like to say that I’m sorry because I’ve only known him a week but I can only imagine.

[Pete looks at Reese Witherspoon angrily]

Pete: Thanks, Reese Witherspoon! Mom, I’m sorry that I used your good coat for a murder scene in a horror movie I made when I was nine. I put ketchup all over it for blood and then just rolled it back up and put it in your closet. Here! [He gives flowers to his mom]

Pete’s mom: Oh, thanks honey.

Pete: I didn’t get it.

[Pete and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Alright, let’s greet Aidy and her mom, Georganne.

[Aidy and her mother walk in]

Aidy: Hi, mom. I wanna thank you for all those times you let me borrow the car to go to the movies. But I’m sorry because I never went to the movies and I always went to church parking lot where I rubbed jeans with Ricky Fico.

Reese Witherspoon: Sounds kind of hot!

Aidy’s mom: He wasn’t!

Aidy: Mom!

[Aidy and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up is Kyle and his mom, Linda.

[Kyle and his mother walk in]

Kyle: Hi, mom. It’s Kyle.

Kyle’s mom: I recognize you.

Kyle: We haven’t talked about this like, ever! But I’m sorry about that one time you were asleep on the couch and I was on the big chair and there was a nudy movie on Showtime with two girls. And I started doing that thing and you woke up [Kyle’s mom is shocked] and screamed, “Kyle!” And then you went back to sleep. I’m really sorry about that and I’m sorry for bringing that up on TV.

[Kyle pulls his mother away]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Bobby and his mom, Julie.

[Bobby and his mother walk in]

Bobby: Hey, hi mom.

Bobby’s mom: Hi.

Bobby: Hi. Look, I’m sorry that I drew my name on the wall in marker and then blamed it on grandma. And then you said, “How did grandma get up and write that when she is in a wheelchair?” And I said, “It’s a miracle.” I love you, mom.

[cheers and applause]

[Bobby and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: And finally, last but not least, it’s my turn. Please welcome the love of my life, my mother Betty.

[cheers and applause]

[Reese’s mom walks in]

Hi, mom. Okay, this is bad, you guys. But, mom, I’m really sorry that one time in high school, I told you that I was gonna sleep over at Ashley’s house but instead I checked in to a hotel with my boyfriend. But then I felt so guilty that I left and went back to Ashley’s house. Do you forgive me?

Reese’s mom: Of course, sweetheart. And now, me and the other moms have something we want to apologize for.

Reese Witherspoon: Huh?

Reese’s mom: We’re sorry that we’re about to show a bunch of home videos of you kids.

Reese Witherspoon: What?

Reese’s mom: Roll it, Lorne!

[Cut to old funny video clips of when SNL cast members were kids.]

[Cut to SNL stage with everybody]

Reese Witherspoon: Wow, thank you for that, mom. We have a great show. Florence and the Machine is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.