Tag: Kyle Mooney

Abraham Lincoln Reenactment

Kenan Thompson

Amy Schumer

Taran Killam

Jerry … Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Ford’s Theatre]

Kenan: Alright, we’ll bringing first two in a moment.

[Cut to inside the theatre. Kenan is speaking to Amy and Taran. Jerry is standing behind them.]

Thanks for filling in the day. Our regular Mary Todd is sick.

Amy: It’s exciting.

Taran: You’re gonna be fantastic. It’s a pretty simple reenactment. Just you and I pretend to watch the play, I say few lines, then Jerry comes, John Wilkes Booth, shoots me, you cry, we bow, that’s it. Alright, any questions?

Amy: Looking forward to hit the boards with you, man.

Taran: You’re gonna be great. Okay. Oh! Here comes the first tour.

[Jerry walks out the door.]

Amy: Okay.

[The audience walk in from the other door]

Kenan: Alright ladies and gentlemen. This is the very same box in which Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln sat on that faithful night of April 14th, 1865. Let’s now be transported. Back into time.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, I’m glad you convinced me to come to the theater tonight. We’ve won the war and I can finally enjoy a night out with my wife.

Amy: Yeah, I don’t know about that Ab. I got a bad feeling about this.

Taran: Ah! Well, let’s just enjoy the play.

Amy: No, you know me Ab, gotta trust my gut. something about this place gives me the creeps.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Taran: [scared] Ah!

Amy: I knew it!

[Amy punches Jerry on his face]

Jerry: Ou!

Amy: I don’t think so boo!

Jerry: What the hell?

Amy: You see that everybody. This guy is trying to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and have sex with me.

Jerry: No. No I did not.

Amy: And that’s how it happened, folks.

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

Alright, have a great rest of the day in DC. [Cut to everybody] America’s only capital.

[Kenan opens the door and the audience walk out.]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Oh, that was fun. You weren’t half bad yourself.

[Amy pinches Taran]

Taran: Ah! What were you doing?

Amy: Um, spicing it up a little bit. Something I learned on the BK set.

Taran: The BK set?

Amy: Oh, they didn’t tell you? That’s weird. Yeah, I’m fresh out filming the Burger King commercial for those like, black burgers that are making everybody crap green. I had a ton of ad libs.

Taran: Okay, well just don’t do any of that for the next tour.

Amy: Ya, ya, Lincoln.

[Kenan walks in with another group of audience]

Kenan: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Let us now be transported back into time.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, for the first time in a long time, I feel it peace.

Amy: I wouldn’t get too comfortable there. Just saw John Wilkes Booth and he looked a little off.

Taran: Well, I’m sure it’s fine.

Amy: Well, tell that to my gut Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Amy: I knew it. Duck Lincoln.

[Amy punches Taran on his face again]

Ha-ha. Missed him, pecker head! You may be a great actor but you’re never gonna blow my husband’s brain out just to get in my pants.

[looks at the audience]

What do we say folks? [clapping] Huh?

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

[Cut to Amy, Taran and Jerry]

Alright. Y’all have a great day in DC. Now, get out of here and never come back. Ha-ha-ha.

[The audiences leave]

I never said this, but you suck at ad libs.

Jerry: We’re not supposed to ad lib.

Amy: Alright, well when I was on the BK set, all I was supposed to do was bite into a hamburger and go, “Umm.” But instead, I look straight into the camera and I said, “That’s a great black Halloween burger.” And I pretended I was choking to death. Everybody flipped out.

Taran: Here comes the next tour. Just please, be quiet.

Amy: Your wish is my command.

Taran: Shut up!

[Kenan comes in with another group of audiences]

Kenan: Let us now be transported to the past.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: I’m so glad to enjoy a night at the theatre.

Amy: [standing and yelling] Booth! Show your face! I know you’re out there. You hate my husband just coz he loves blacks.

[Cut to the audiences. They are all African-American people.]

Kenan: I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Amy: Booth wants nothing more than to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and plow me, the most beautiful woman in the land. But I only plow one man and that’s Abraham Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in hopelessly]

There’s that horny little piece of crap now!

Jerry: Come on!

Amy: Let’s show him he can’t plow me. Right folks?

[Amy punches Jerry on his face again]

Jerry: Ah!

[Amy pulls off the fake mustache off of Jerry’s face]

Amy: Look at that. Just as I suspected. John Wilkes Booth, the very same son of a bitch who tried to blast my husband and plow me.

[Amy takes a cigarette out of her bra and starts pretending like she’s smoking]

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking furiously]

Just another night in DC, folks.

Kenan: Hey, you can’t smoke in here.

[Cut to Amy]

Amy: I’m not. I’m acting.

[The End]

Settl

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Byer

Henry… Taran Killam

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kate walking down the stairs]

Kate: I think I’m a pretty good catch. So, why can’t I meet the right guy? I’ve tried all the online dating apps like Tinder, Okay Cupid and Match.com but I wanna get married now. That’s why I joined the new online dating app, Settl.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There’s nothing wrong with the men on Settl. They’re just normal guys with characteristic I am now willing to overlook.

[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Kate sitting on sofa drinking wine.]

Venessa: I already bought my wedding dress. So, I just needed a groom. I joined Settl and went on tons of okay dates. That’s how I met my Henry. [Henry walks in] He may drive a smart car but he’s a manager at Cutco and even has a 401K. We’re getting married in April which is before my sister.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Settl isn’t misleading like those other dating apps. It’s honest. For example, men are only allowed to upload their passport photos or ones they’ve been pretending to hold the leaning tower of Pisa. That way, we can’t focus on their looks.

[Kyle walks in]

Hi.

Kyle: Sorry, I’m late. I don’t have a car.

Leslie: Whatever.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And, they guarantee the date because Settl won’t allow us to swipe left.

[Cut to Venessa and Henry]

Venessa: Because remember, it’s not giving up, it’s settling up.

[Henry and Venessa kiss awkwardly]

Female voice: Settl, tick tock.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Leslie: Would you like to have another glass of wine?

Kyle: Oh no, thank you. I’m usually in bed by now.

[The End]

Ryan Gosling’s Magazine Cover Story

Ryan Gosling

Laura Sumner… Cecily Strong

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Trevor… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Ryan and Laura in a bar in Cornwall, Ontario]

Ryan: So, yea, this is the bar where I had my first legal beer. But, I may have slipped a couple before that. You know what I mean? [whispering] You can write that down.

Laura: [laughing] Okay. Your hometown is perfect for the stories. Readers are gonna love to know what it was like growing up Gosling.

Ryan: Well, you know, I’m an open book.

[Jerry comes in]

Jerry: Hey, glad you’re back Ryan. The Notebook is like, one of my favorite movies. Don’t tell my buddies though.

Ryan: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, seriously. Don’t tell them.

Ryan: Okay.

Jerry: Anyway, look, um, these are from the guy at the end of the bar over there.

[Cut to Trevor. He is waving at Ryan.]

[Cut to everybody]

Ryan: Oh, god!

Laura: What’s wrong?

Ryan: Oh, it’s this guy Trevor I went to school with.

Trevor: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If it isn’t the little bitch I used to beat up in high school. Cryan Ryan Gosling. And who do we have here?

Ryan: [clears throat] Trevor, this is Laura Sumner.

Laura: Pleasure. I am writing an article on Ryan for GQ.

Trevor: Oh, Mr. Hotshot here is gonna be a little cover clown boy. Anyway, you’re not nervous about Tammy typewriter discovering some old secrets, are you?

Laura: Oh, I love secrets.

Ryan: Come on, Trevor. Now now.

Trevor: What’s the matter? Embarrassed Mr. Melody can’t quite hit the high notes anymore.

Laura: Did you sing growing up? Is it?

Ryan: Yeah, little bit. I don’t know. Yeah. I– just, please don’t do this Trevor.

Trevor: Oh, come on. I’m sure pretty pencil here would love to see you put on a little show for us. Hey, Jerry, why don’t you put on C-14.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: You got this, Ryan!

Ryan: I really don’t wanna do this.

[music playing]

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Ryan: [singing] No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way

I’m living without you

[Cut to Trevor. He shuts the music off.]

Trevor: Boring!

[Trevor walks to Ryan and Laura]

When we don’t we put ourselves to sleep, we’d watch your movies. But let’s face it. We only watch the trailers.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Hey, you’re making us proud, Ryan.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Very impressive voice.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: Oh, you like being impressed, huh? Well, crying Ryan here wasn’t just a sally song stress. He also used to dance around like a Tari-tu-tu.

[Cut to Ryan]

Ryan: He’s trying to say that I used to dance when I was a kid. I was a child dancer.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Oh, you know what? This is great stuff.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: You know what else would be great? If Ryan put on a special residal for our little Nancy newspaper.

Laura: Oh! GQ is a magazine.

Trevor: And maybe the whole bar would like to see that too.

Ryan: You know what? Fine! Alright? Hey, Jerry, can you throw on B-26?

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Yeah, B-26, of course.

[music playing]

[Cut to Ryan. He starts to dance. Two other girls start dancing with him.]

[cheers and applause]

[Trevor walks in laughing]

Trevor: Did everybody see that? A dancing boy? What’s next? You’re gonna put on a skirt and make us a breakfast? Right?

[Everybody is ignoring Trevor]

[Cut to Laura and Jerry]

Laura: My god, Ryan, you were amazing.

[Cut to Ryan and Trevor]

Ryan: Okay, you know, I think we should just go. It was nice running into each other.

[Ryan and Laura are walking]

Trevor: Leaving so soon? I thought we get to see all our friend. Scrony Iony.

Laura: Did you use to be skinny?

Ryan: I guess. I was smaller, yeah.

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: This guy was a toothpick. Still is, if you asked me. I bet he wish he could look like this. [Opens his shirt]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor. Ryan is laughing from the inside.]

Ryan: What are you doing?

Trevor: We’re taking off our shirts to compare our bodies.

[cheers and applause]

Ryan: I really do not want to do this, okay?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: You’re not better than me. I can dance. [Trevor starts dancing horribly.]

[Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor.]

I can sing too. [Trevor starts singing horribly]

[Trevor starts crying]

Ryan: It’s okay, man. It’s okay to cry. That takes guts.

Trevor: I just miss your around here, Ryan.

Laura: I think I got my cover story.

[Cut to GQ magazine front page with Ryan and Trevor’s picture. The title says, ‘Ryan Gosling has lame friends’.]

[The End]

Medieval Times

Mikey Day

King…Beck Bennett

Princess… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Blue Knight… Alex Moffat

Green Knight… Chris Redd

Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver

Kyle Mooney

Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor

Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang

[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building]

[Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]

Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?

[Cut to King and Princess]

King: Bring forth the knights.

Princess: And let the tournament commence.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight!

[Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight!

[Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]

Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.

Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.

Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?

Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]

Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?

[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]

Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: God, speak to our knights

[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]

Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.

Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.

[Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away]

Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.

[Kyle walks in with a falcon]

Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.

Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–

[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.

Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.

King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.

Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?

[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.

[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight]

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]

Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]

Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?

Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.

Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.

Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!

Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.

Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?

[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]

Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice!

[Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]

Mikey: No, no.

[The king is running]

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.

[Kenan gives his son to have his drink]

[The End]

Marrying Ketchups

Marge… Aidy Bryant

Geraldine… Heidi Gardner

Windermere… Adam Driver

Wanda… Cecily Strong

Cholula… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Lily’s Diner. Geraldine is cleaning the table.]

Marge: Geraldine, you okay closing up tonight? I’m meeting Lial for Mad Men trivia night.

Geraldine: Oh, I love that show.

Marge: Oh, not the show. It’s trivia about the mad men. Like, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy and the Joker.

Geraldine: Oh. That sounds fun.

Marge: No. It’s more tense and unsettling. But hey, before you go, could you marry the half used ketchups together so they look full?

Geraldine: Yeah. No problem. Have fun, Marge. [Marge leaves] Alright, here it goes.

[Geraldine puts two ketchup bottles together]

[Cut to the ketchup bottles as a man and a woman getting married.]

Windermere: Oh, you look incredible, Wanda.

Wanda: Thank you.

Windermere: No, really. So beautiful. [Wanda turns around] What’s the matter?

Wanda: Nothing. I’m just, um, happy. [sobbing] This is all so wonderful.

Windermere: Wanda, are you crying?

Wanda: No, no. No, I just haven’t opened up in a while and there’s tiny layer of water on the top.

Windermere: Well, listen. I know I’m no aioli, but I’ll good to you Wanda.

Wanda: Windermere, I can’t do this. I can’t marry someone I don’t love.

Windermere: But of course, we love each other. You’re just getting cold bottom of a bottle.

Wanda: Can’t you see? I’m not like you.

Windermere: Wanda, I know you’re only a quarter full and I’m three quarters full. But together, it won’t matter. We’ll just be one full ketchup.

Wanda: No. We won’t. Because I’m not ketchup at all. I’m Catsup.

[Windermere is shocked.]

Windermere: What did you just say?

Wanda: You heard me.

[Wanda pulls the written Ketchup sticker on her off. Underneath, it’s written Catsup.]

Windermere: You’re telling me I’ve been gallivanting around town with some cheap off brand generic ketchup?

[Wanda slaps Windermere]

Wanda: Don’t you dare! You’re not even Heinz, you dirty hunt.

Windermere: You’re really gonna call me a hunt in front of my family?

[Cut to moving ketchup bottles of different sizes]

[Cut to Windermere and Wanda]

Windermere: And to think I trusted you.

Wanda: Oh, you believed what you wanted to believe Windermere. But you knew, deep down, you knew.

Windermere: Alright, look, we can always figure this out. We just need to get rid of that stuff inside you and wait until a real ketchup bottle breaks on the floor, then we’ll scoop up that ketchup and funnel it up into your bottle.

Wanda: I’m sorry. But, I’ve met someone else. His name’s Cholula.

[Cholula walks in and holds Wanda]

Cholula: Hey, what’s up guys?

Windermere: Hot sauce? You’re choosing hot sauce over ketchup?

Wanda: Oh, wake up Windermere! It’s 2023. No one waste precious calories on ketchup anymore. They want spice. They want peppery tang. They want to feel alive for once in their god damn life.

Windermere: Oh, you’re throwing your future away is what you’re doing. Ketchup is a perfect recipe. Do you even understand what umami is? The fifth taste. It’s in here, and that low rent corn seasoning wouldn’t know umami if it bit him in his wooden head.

Cholula: Hey man. It’s a cap. And it’s actually pretty satisfying when you touch it.

Windermere: I can’t believe I almost ruined my family’s recipe by mixing with the lights of Catsup. Mom, dad, Jeremy, Elizabeth, all cousins, let’s go.

[Cut to ketchup bottles of different sizes moving in a line]

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: Well, Cholula doesn’t need umami because he’s a real condiment. Unlike some people, he doesn’t need me to slap him in the back just so he can perform.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: So, you’ve already been together.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: That’s right. We even have a packet together.

[Cut to a baby sauce packet making crying sound]

Easy now baby. Go back to sleep.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Well, Wanda, I hope you’re happy. And I don’t relish telling you this but vinegar and I double teamed an order of fish and chips.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: I know. I went through you phone and looked at the photos. It looked delicious.

[Cut to Windermere, Wanda and Cholula]

Windermere: Goodbye Wanda.

Wanda: Goodbye, Windermere.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Hey, and, um, great menu man! Sorry about all the– their stuff.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Just treat her right, okay? Better than I could.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Aite! Dope!

Wanda: Now, kiss me, Cholula. Kiss me with those sizzling peppery lips.

Cholula: Alright. Just try not to get me in your eyes though.

[Cut to Geraldine playing with a bottle of ketchup and Cholula.]

Geraldine: Muah! Oh, I love you Cholula. Oh, and I love you, ketchup.

[Marge walks in]

Marge: Geraldine. Everything okay in here?

Geraldine: Oh, I — Everything’s fine.

Marge: Just making the ketchup kiss the cholula?

Geraldine: Yes. Sorry.

Marge: Well, I didn’t say stop.

[The End]

Del Taco Shoot

Douglas… Kyle Mooney

Miranda… Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Adam Driver

Jordan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Douglas and Miranda in a studio]

Douglas: So cool, right?

Miranda: Yeah, congrats on the gig. It’s actually a really fun commercial.

Douglas: Hey, I’m just here for check. Kidding!

Miranda: Ha-ha. True.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hello actors. Douglas, Miranda, thanks for being here. We’re so lucky we got our first choices.

Miranda: Oh, that’s so nice.

Douglas: That’s awesome.

Beck: Yeah. So, listen. Del Taco’s VP branding is here today. And he is very excited about their buck and under menu.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: Happy to be here. Have a good day.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, ready to give it a try?

Miranda: Yeah! Let’s do it.

Douglas: Definitely, yes. I almost didn’t make it today coz I almost stopped at Del Taco on the way.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: [laughing] Ya, save that. that’s funny.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, I’ll take these scripts. Jordan, ready to roll?

[Cut to Jordan behind the camera]

Jordan: Ready when you are, boss.

[Adam walks behind the camera]

Beck: Okay, quite on set. And, action.

[Cut to Douglas and Miranda]

[music playing]

Miranda: Um-um. this Del Taco is amazing. You gotta get some.

Douglas: Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.

Miranda: Well, with Del Taco buck and under menu, you can get all this–

[Cut to Beck and Jordan]

Beck: Okay, you know, let’s hold that there.

[Adam walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Sorry to interrupt. Um, Miranda, that was great. Douglas, what we’re trying to get here is that you’re hungry but you’re all out of cash. So it’s like, “Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.”

Douglas: Okay.

Beck: Try that. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, it’s like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Sort of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s kind of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s more of, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, right, right. So, it’s “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No.

[Cut to Adam, Beck and Douglas]

Adam: Mark, can I talk to you?

Beck: Yes, sir.

[Beck walks to Adam]

Adam: He’s bad. He’s very, very bad. He should be fun and lively. It’s a buck and under menu for crying out loud. He should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Exactly! That’s perfect. Okay, I’ll handle it.

[Beck walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Miranda, killing it. Douglas, you’re kind of freaking us out. Coz you don’t want it to be bad, right?

Douglas: No, sir.

Beck: Alright. So, maybe it’s brighter.

Douglas: Oh,okay.

Beck: Yeah, we were thinking it’s kind if like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Got it. Yeah, yeah.

Beck: Yeah, let’s hear it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Adam walks in]

Adam: No, you don’t wanna kill yourself. You just want a taco. It should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay.

Adam: Now, say it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: You’re not a pervert.

Beck: He’s got to get out of his head.

Adam: I think we just gotta beat the hell out of this guy.

Beck: No. No, no, no. We can’t.

Adam: Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Beck: I know. Wait, wait! I’ve got an idea. Dougie, you gotta get out of your head and in your body. Loosen up, alright? Come on. [jumping] Hoo! Hoo! “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: [jumping with Beck] “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, you’re still tight. You gotta loose it up. Drop your pants. Pull it down. Get it off your body. Now breathe deep through your butt hole. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, no, no. Squat into it. Squat into it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No, you’re still reading like you’re a pervert. Put your shirt over like cornholio.

Douglas: Yes sir.

Adam: Alright, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No.

Beck: Dougie, you gotta slow it down. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Now he’s saying like he’s hard.

Douglas: Sorry sir. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Just throw out away.”Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes, that’s it. One more time.

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes! Nailed it. Finally.

Beck: Did we get that?

[Cut to Jordan]

Jordan: No!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. Great day people. That’s a wrap!

[The End]

Family Charades

Chris Redd

Paul… RuPaul

Kate McKinnon

Frank… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Sheila… Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with neighbors sitting in a hall after dinner]

Chris: You guys, dinner was amazing.

Paul: Is everyone in the neighborhood as nice as you?

Kate: Oh, you guys are sweet. We just wanted to give you a warm welcome.

Frank: Ay, you know, after dinner we normally play games.

Kyle: Yeah. You guys wanna play charades?

Everybody: Yeah.

Heidi: Okay. What are the teams?

Sheila: Should we do family versus family?

Kenan: Oh, well, more importantly, what are the stakes?

[Cut to Frank and Kate]

Frank: $1,000?

Kate: Frank!

Frank: Okay, well, too low? 5,000?

[Cut to everybody. Kate, Frank, Kyle and Heidi are sitting together as Barren family team. Chris, Paul, Sheila and Kenan are together as Johnson family team.]

Sheila: Okay. Alright, high stake charades. I like it. Alright, you guys go first.

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Alright, Barren family. Let’s lock in. I’m the start. Ready?

[Kate starts trying to tell her team using her actions only]

Kyle: Three words.

Frank: It’s a movie.

Heidi: Second word.

Kyle: Running.

Frank: Third word.

Heidi: Man. Running man!

Frank: Yes!

Kyle: Yes!

[The Barren family are celebrating]

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: Don’t get too excited. The Johnson family is pretty darn good at charades.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s right. Sheila, why don’t you kick us all, babe?

Sheila: Yeah. Watch how it’s done. [Sheila stands to give her team hints] Three words.

Kate: No talking.

Sheila: Oh, you see. I didn’t interrupt you sis. So, let me have my round.

Kate: Okay. The one rule is that–

Sheila: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! I’m opening this and I’m reading this coz..

Chris: A book!

Sheila: Yes! Yes! Okay. So, we’re gonna skip the first word coz it’s just ‘The’, okay? Alright. Second word. Not big, rhymes with skittle.

Kenan: Little!

Sheila: Yes! Yes! That’s correct. That’s right! That’s right.

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: What’s happening?

Kyle: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: What’s happening is you’re getting your ass whooped in charades.

Sheila: Okay! Okay! Third word. Purple rain, purple rain!

Paul: Prince! The little prince!

Sheila: Yeah!

[The Johnson family are celebrating]

Chris: Rolling baby!

Kenan: That’s my girl!

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: There seems to be some confusion about the rules.

Frank: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe let’s just call that a practice round. There were some discrepancies in that round.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: Well, y’all was trolling us.

Sheila: Um-hmm. And those who kept talking.

Kenan: Yeah, no talking. This is charades.

[Cut to Barren family become confused]

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: That was practice. This is real. Okay?

[Paul stands up to give his team hints]

Alright. Um, four words. And it’s a movie. And the first word’s just a number. So, just keep that in mind, okay?

[Cut to the Barren family]

Kate: See, but you can’t do that though. You’re supposed to mime it. There’s no words.

[Cut to everybody]

Paul: Oh, okay. Got it.

[Paul shows his own face, then points at Frank]

Johnson family: 12 years of slave. Oh!

[Johnson family are celebrating]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank: What about me made you think of 12 years of slave?

[Cut to the Johnson family]

Kenan: I mean, come on!

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: No, you guys don’t get it. You have to mime everything. Like for that last round, you should have gone. [Heidi is giving an example]

Paul: Arsenio Hall!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No. I’m looking for a movie.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: A movie with Arsenio Hall. Oh! Come to America!

Kenan: Oh, man! We are like five to nothing!

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Okay. You’re also not allowed to point to anyone or anything in the room.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Sheila: Okay, I have literally never heard that.

[Cut to Barren family]

Kyle: These are standard rules. Go again. Try to follow them this time.

[Cut to Johnson family. Kenan walking forward.]

Kenan: Hey, y’all starting to look like some sort of losers. But I’m happy to try it your way. Alright, here we go. [Kenan mimes just like Heidi before]

Sheila: It’s not Arsenio Hall but it’s a movie.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

[Kenan starts giving hints. He acts like he’s laughing, crying and then using a calculator.]

Paul: Bad boys for life!

Kenan: Yeah!

Chris: Oh! Looking like a blow out, baby!

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: How did they possibly get that?

[Cut to Johnson family]

Sheila: Oh, girl, that was easy. He spelled it out. It was a movie that made you laugh, made you cry and afterwards made you google ‘When did Martin Lawrence get old as hell?

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Okay, I guess that technically counts as a point.

Kyle: That’s not how you play charades! You have to go word by word like this, [miming] Bad! Boys! For! Life!

[Cut to Johnson family. They are all laughing out loud.]

Kenan: What the hell was that?

Chris: Nobody knows. Okay, my turn.

[Chris stands up]

[Cut to Barren family]

Frank: How come they just keep going?

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: Aite, here we go.

[Chris starts miming]

Sheila: A movie!

Chris: Uh-huh!

Paul: 14 words.

Chris: Yeah.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: 14 words? This one’s gonna take forever.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: No, it won’t. I’ll get in two seconds.

[Chris starts miming]

Sheila: Oh, he’s making Marlon Wayans face. Oh!

Johnson family: Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!

Chris: Ah!

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah! Ah!

Chris: Now, that’s enough to get our $5,000.

Kenan: Yeah, and this is our house now, so you all can leave.

Chris: Bye-bye.

Kenan: Bye-bye!

Check-Splitting

Waitress… Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kandis… Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Mary… Cecily Strong

Beth… RuPaul

[Starts with a waitress handing over the check to a group in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Okay, guys. No rush. Just gonna leave the check.

Chris: Well, thank you.

Kyle: Hang on, birthday boy. You’re not paying a dime.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yes. Let’s all of us, the rest of us, we’re gonna split it. Is that okay with everyone?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, well, I didn’t have wine. Oh, but you know what? Who cares? It’s fine.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yeah, it’s just easier if you’re okay with that. I mean, and since we all have places to go, I think.

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Um, no. It’s totally fine.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Excuse me! Now the last thing I want is you call a fuss. But I cannot sit here and silence for one more moment while this unequal, unjust action unfolds!

Kandis: Mary, Beth, is there a problem?

Mary: Remind me, what is your name again?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously? I’m your supervisor. It’s Kandis.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Beth: Well, Kandis, I think you ought to ask yourself if you’re a supervisor or a taker of advantages of people.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: I’m sorry. I’m not following.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Well, let me draw a map for your thoughts then. You are storming on a woman to pay for wine that she did not have.

Beth: And further most, expect her to quietly sit and roll over like a prostitute from the Amsterdam district, I think not!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: You two haven’t spoken a word all night and now you’re like, mad?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Chris: Honestly, I can pay. I have a real birthday party to go to. So?

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: No one’s going anywhere. Because this situation has become un-tonable!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: Actually, I am gonna go because my babysitter leaves at eight whether I’m there or not.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle leaves.]

Beth: Well, fine! He left. But that’s the only one who leaves this table. Because the rest of you will stay and hear what you need to hear. Lock the doors!

[Cut to the waitress]

Waitress: You got it!

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: What?

[Cut to everybody]

Mary: You’re going to hear the story of this woman that you’ve all decided as too pathetic to be cheated with dignity!

Heidi: Whoa!

Beth: Because every night this woman goes home to nothing and nothing!

Mary: Empty apartment. Empty bed. Empty head. And now you predators want to empty her purse as well.

Beth: She want to Sephora on her lunch break to get eyelashes put on top of her own eyelashes.

[Heidi is getting embarrassed]

Hoping beyond all reason that maybe someone would become a true friend, she has none.

Heidi: Oh, my god!

[Heidi tries to stand but Mary and Beth push her back to the seat]

Mary: And again, might I remind you that she makes much less than everyone at this table.

Heidi: I do?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Yes, but they weren’t supposed to tell you that.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Heidi: Okay, also, I have friends.

Mary: [interrupting] Bop-bop-bop! Kandis, don’t worry about Kandis. Why don’t you leave Kandis to me.

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously guys, I will pay the whole bill. It’s no big deal.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Mary: Oh! Shall we all applaud queen Kandis? The queen of kindness and generosity?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: I wasn’t trying to be–

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Beth: And I want the entire restaurant to hear this.

[Cut to everybody in the restaurant]

Everyone turn to me! This woman who you so easily throw away like trash, do you know what she did today? Do you know what she did that none of you took the time to notice but us? She has been silently releasing wind at this dinner and said nothing because she didn’t want to miss a moment or steal any of the birthday attention.

Everybody: Wow!

Mary: Yes! So next time you decide that it’s okay to take advantage of the advantage-less, remind yourself that they’re but for the grace of god go you!

Beth: And Kandis, just so you know, and so your children will know, tonight is the night the lights went out in Georgia.

[The other people are clapping]

[Mary and Beth leave]

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: So, I guess they’re not gonna pay?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No, they left. And they’re temps, right?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, just for a week!

[The End]

The Sex Talk

Dad… JJ Watt

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a father knocking at his son’ts door]

Dad: You in there sport?

Brandon: [on the phone] I’ll call you back. Yes, dad.

Dad: Mind if I come in for a sec?

Brandon: We don’t have to talk about it, it’s fine.

Dad: I know, I know. I just figure we’re a little overdue for this chat anyway. So, why don’t you pop a squat, son?

[Dad and Brandon sit down on the bed]

Now, what you just say in the bedroom between your mother and I, that’s perfectly normal.

Brandon: We don’t have to do this, dad. I’ll get over it. It was just weird.

Dad: Well, of course it was but you’ll learn for yourself soon enough that when two people love each other very much, they express it through something called intercourse.

Brandon: Yes, dad. I know that.

Dad: And I gotta be quite honest with you. Sometimes you got to man up and clap them cheeks, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Okay, wow, dad! I’m not talking to you about this. You had sex. It’s fine.

Dad: Well, of course it’s fine, son. It’s a normal beautiful thing. But son, little boys have sex. Me? I’m a big dog and I have that thing woofing, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Look, I’m not an idiot. I guess I just didn’t expect to ever see it. Let alone on my birthday.

Dad: Oh, that’s right. Happy birthday, son!

Brandon: Thanks.

Dad: We got you a cake down stairs but, I should probably wash my hands before any of that.

Brandon: Oh, come on! Oh, god!

Dad: But son, just check this out for a second. It’s noon, I’m sitting at my desk working through lunch so I can provide for this damn family, and she is sending me filthy texts.

Brandon: Stop! Stop! Stop! Please stop!

Dad: I’m just saying, son. She wanted to touch myself at my damn desk, get my ass fired! I’m like, “Woman, are you crazy?”

[Brandon closes his ears]

Brandon: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Dad: So, here’s what I did, son. I faked sick, I hop in the pick up, burn it down 85, went my ass up to the bedroom, opened the door and you know what I saw? I saw that thing up in there already smoking. What time do you think it was, son?

Brandon: I don’t know dad. 1:30?

Dad: It was time to wax. I’m talking Mr. Miagi, you know? Hey, son. I say. Is that a Getaway right there?

Brandon: What? Oh, yeah!

Dad: You know what?

Brandon: Can you maybe not please do that?

Dad: [grabs the Getaway] I’ma need that right about now. Gotta get some of that sweat back in me, you know?

Brandon: Oh, god!

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Knock, knock. What’s up in here?

Dad: Oh, you know. Just little girl talk, babe. Guy talk. Of course.

Mom: Oh, no, no. What is he telling you? Look, I just wanted to say I am so sorry Brandon.

Brandon: It’s okay, mom. Let’s just forget about it.

Mom: No, no, because in a way, this is my fault. You know, you see, your mother has been blessed with what is widely considered to be that good good.

Brandon: Oh, mom!

Dad: We are talking medical grade pure water, son. You know, that type to make a good man kill himself.

Mom: And the worst man kill everybody. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Brandon: Not really to be honest.

Mom: Okay, well let’s put it this way. Could I be working? Yes. Do I work? Hell, no. Why? Well, because this ill nana keeps me taken care of.

Dad: Umph! I can’t lie son, I am a full simp.

Mom: Ya, you know that car outside, this house, the clothes you’re wearing right now are all thanks to the fact that I turned your daddy out. Do you have a girl at school you wanna turn you out?

Brandon: Stop asking about girls. I’m bisexual. There! I said it!

Dad: Oh, son! Wow! That’s fantastic. So, you mean you can stroke anybody down?

Mom: Oh, Brandon. Thank you so much for telling us. We love you more than anything.

Dad: We are so proud of you.

Brandon: Thanks, guys. I love you.

Mom: Now, you’re gonna need to know how to ride that thing like a soldier, okay? Do you need to–

Brandon: Mom! Please! I don’t want to hear this!

Mom: We can help you.

[The End]

Robbie

Coach… Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Riley… JJ Watt

Robby… Chris Redd

Mr. Philmore… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with coach prep-talking to the football players]

Coach: Gentlemen, this is the playoffs. Clubs in this not gonna–

[Coach realizes the players are not dressed for the game]

What the hell is going on? Why aren’t you all dressed?

Mikey: Some of us were talking coach, and we think Robbie should dress for the game.

[Robbie is sitting on the bench]

Coach: [laughing] You hit your head to hard in practice son? Robbie’s on the practice squad. This is the playoffs. Roster’s set. Now get dressed.

Mikey: This is Robbie’s dream, coach. [Robbie is looking happy] I know there’s no room in the rosters, so I want Robbie to take my spot.

[Mikey hands over his jersey to the coach]

[Alex walks up to Coach]

Alex: Robbie can have my spot too, coach.

[Alex hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Coach: This is what you want?

Alex: Yes, sir.

[Kyle hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Kyle: Robbie deserves it, coach.

Coach: And what about you, Riley?

[Riley stands up]

You want Robbie to take your spot?

Riley: [bleep] No! He [bleep] sucks at football. [Robbie is embarrassed] You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game? That is crazy! We’re gonna [bleep] lose! He sucks ass! Have you seen him in practice?

[Cut to Robbie sucking at the practice games]

[Cut back to the locker room]

He is dog [shit]. I mean, [looking at Robbie] I’m sorry, Robbie, but you’re dog [bleep]. He’s dog [blee].

Mikey: Robbie’s got heart, Riley! [Robbie is looking happy again] It’s gotta count for something.

Riley: He’s [bleep] his pants in practice last week, Stevens. [Robbie is embarrassed] Again! I didn’t even want run at him and hit him this time. All I did was walk over to him and he crumpled into a little ball, he said, “No, no! Not again! It’s coming out. It’s coming.” I mean.

[Robbie had enough]

Robby: You know what? Maybe you don’t believe in Riley.

Riley: I definitely don’t.

Robby: Okay! But, a friend told me something that made me believe in myself. Right, Mr. Philmore?

[Mr. Philmore is a janitor. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past. Robby threw his helmet.]

Mr. Philmore: Yo! What? You mad you didn’t make the team? Huh? Well, listen here. You’re five foot nothing. A hundred and nothing. But damn, if you don’t got passion.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: And he gave me the strength to keep going.

Mr. Philmore: Hold on, coz after that I said.

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: Unfortunately, passion don’t mean nothing in this level. This is D-1, son and you’re just too tiny. You’re gonna get your ass stocked. Pan-caked, son!

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: Right! But you believed. And that’s what’s important.

Mr. Philmore: No, I’ma stop you right there. I said one more thing and it was…

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: And who keep letting you in my office? Stop coming back here, man! It’s weird. We ain’t friends.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Mr. Philmore: That’s how that all went down.

Robby: Enough! Okay? Look, coach, you played here. Someone gave you a shot. That’s all I’m asking for. It’s a shot.

Riley: This is so [bleep] dumb! He doesn’t even know the plays, coach!

Robby: I know the playbook front to back. You call any play, I can run any route right now.

Coach: Alright, Robbie, if you get pass Riley, you can dress for the game.

Mikey: Go, Robbie!

[Robbie is happy and Riley can’t believe this.]

[Robby and Riley get ready]

Coach: Alright Robbie, let’s see what you got. Red 7, hud 7.

Robby: Different play, don’t know that one.

Coach: White right on 1!

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on 3.

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Slat 6 on 2.

Robby: Nope!

Mikey: I’m just gonna take my jersey back.

Coach: Red Devil, on 3.

Robby: Skip!

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: Got it! What was it though?

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: I got it, coach!

Coach: Hub, hub.

[Robby runs to Riley. Riley pushes Robby lightly and Robby gets slammed the lockers.]

Mr. Philmore: Dumb ass!

[Riley walks to Robby]

Riley: He’s alright. But I think he might have done another- you know. In his pants.

Robby: I almost did, but hailed it in.

Riley: No, he didn’t.

Coach: Well, that’s it. We got a football game to win, gentlemen!

[all the players cheer and follow the coach]