Aidy Bryant
Elizabeth Banks
Vanessa Bayer
Kenan Thompson
Leslie Jones
Kyle Mooney
Beck Bennett
Kate McKinnon
Taran Killam
[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]
[Cut to Aidy and Elizabeth on the stage]
Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.
Elizabeth: Written and directed by us, students.
[Cut to Vanessa, Kenan and Leslie in the audience clapping]
[Cut to Aidy and Elizabeth]
Aidy: Before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s performance may cause extreme bouts of progress.
Elizabeth: Now, without further due, please enjoy Mirror to America, a reflection of you.
[The lights go dim and music plays. The other members of the crew join the stage and pose.]
Kyle: Help. I am dying. Can someone help?
Beck: [acting like he’s driving] Beep, beep. I have a meeting.
Aidy: [acting like she’s driving] Beep, beep. I have a party.
Kate: [acting like she’s driving] Beep, beep. I need to tweet.
Kyle: Will no one stop to help? I’m [coughing] … done!
[Kyle falls]
Taran: Oh, no! There’s been a death.
Elizabeth: Check his license. What is his name.
Taran: It says ‘The Earth’.
[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]
[Cut to the audience]
Leslie: Hell no. No. No.
[Leslie just leaves]
[Cut to the stage. The actors are standing on the boxes.]
Beck: And now, a song about who really runs the world.
[Beyonce’s song ‘Girls’ playing part by part.]
Song: Who run the world?
Actors: Whites!
Song: Who run the world?
Actors: Whites!
Song: Who run the world?
Actors: Whites!
[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Kenan: Well, why would they do that scene when they’re all white? Just sounded like bragging.
[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing sitting on the boxes.]
Kate: Okay now, let’s lighten things up. Who wants to hear a joke?
Taran: Me!
Beck: I do.
Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Kate: Okay, here’s the joke. They call it see world, but they don’t see the world. They…
All: See walls.
Kate: They…
All: See tanks.
Kate: They…
All: See nothing.
Kate: [looking at the audience] So, before you go to see world, see yourself inside the tank. Mam, would you like to live in captivity?
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Vanessa: Um, no.
[Cut to the stage.]
Taran: Well, would you like to be separated from your children?
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Vanessa: No.
[Cut to the stage.]
Kyle: Would you like to be jacked off for your sperm?
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Vanessa: Oh, my god!
[Cut to the stage]
Kate: Now do you see?
All: World?
[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Vanessa: That was the worst moment of my entire life.
[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]
Elizabeth: Ladies and gentlemen, this next scene is completely normal.
Beck: If you have a problem with what you’re about to see, your mind is small.
Kate: Your world is small.
Aidy: You are small. And action!
[Kyle and Taran walk forward]
Taran: Hi boyfriend, I love you.
Kyle: Hi boyfriend, I love you.
[Kyle and Taran kiss each other three times]
All: That was normal!
[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Kenan: [reading the invitation] It says the proceeds from tonight’s show go to Neil Patrick Harris. He doesn’t need that.
[Cut to the stage. Aidy is caressing her hair and the others are looking at her.]
Aidy: My mama used to brush my hair every night before bed just to get out of tangles. Then one night I went into a room and I said, “Mom, I’ve got a bad tangle”, but she was dead. So treasure your parents. Because you never know when they won’t be around to help you with life’s tangles.
[Everybody hugs Aidy]
[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Vanessa: What? I’m her mom! I’m not dead. Also, she is such a bitch to me. Like, everyday.
[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]
Kyle: Tell me, have you ever judged a book by it’s cover?
Taran: Do you assume everyone’s outside matches their inside?
Elizabeth: For example, sir, do you think I’m a girl or a boy?
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Kenan: Um, just based on this show so far, I’m guessing you’re a boy?
[Cut to the stage]
Elizabeth: Um… oh… can you actually say girl?
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Kenan: Fine. You’re a girl.
[Cut to the stage]
Elizabeth: Wrong! I’m a boy.
All: Wow!
[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]
[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]
Vanessa: Oh, my god! Look at this. They have a chair taped off for Caitlyn Jenner.
Kenan: She doesn’t wanna come to this.
[Cut to the stage. The actors bow down.]
Elizabeth: Thank you. That was our show.
Aidy: As you exit, please leave a bottle of water in this box and we’re gonna send it to California.
[The End]